Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (1) - 51. Entry 51

Tuesday

I looked for Billy all day, but never could find him! After last night with Marie, I had this real need to talk with him. I don’t know why exactly. I just felt like I’d lost some kind of chain hanging around my neck and I wanted to feel the freedom to talk with Billy without wondering what Marie might think or not. Also, Billy likes me! He likes me in a way where he actually seeks me out! Part of the reason I’ve not been more forward with seeking him out before is the fact that I felt like I might be, somehow, being disloyal to Marie. I mean, there’s no two ways about it, try as I might for it not to, Billy takes my breath away! I have been, kind of, avoiding him a lot this semester in some ways because I didn’t want a distraction, if that makes any sense.

I doubt that could make any sense to any sane person! What am I saying? I suppose by distraction I mean someone getting in the way of me trying to have a normal relationship with a beautiful girl who really ‘likes me likes me’ and could put me straight somehow.

It seems that God or Fate or the Stars or something else beyond my control has other ideas. Marie will be going away and it is she who’ll no longer be the distraction! With her out of the way, there will be nothing real in the way between me and my falling desperately and madly in love with Billy Chase. Even Chandler can’t be that big of a distraction since, realistically, there is no way anything could happen between us! Not safely anyways. The only thing that probably will be the thing that gets in the way of my falling completely for Billy is the fact . . . he’ll never be able to return my affections. He is straight and seems to be quite close and happy with that Joanne girl.

You know what I did today that might seem totally stalkerish of me? When I was in the library today, I pulled this year’s school yearbook down off the shelf. It had just come out a couple of weeks ago and there were plenty of fresh copies of it for folks to look at and giggle about. The senior class get their own copies, but the underclassmen have to buy copies if they want any, so being able to take them and look at them in the library is cool enough. I looked through our class and found the school picture of Billy. Even with the horrible pictures the schoolbook photographers do to us, he was still adorable that day. His blond hair was parted down the center just right. I had to wonder if he’d spent some time trying to get that perfect part. Despite the forced smile, his dimples were there in all their glory! I think he cracked up after the picture because he had that silly little twinkle in his eyes like he was about to bust out laughing. He also had the rosiest blush on his slightly shiny cheeks!

I caught myself sighing and slumping over into the crook of my arm just . . . dreaming of him. His lips couldn’t change no matter how he twisted them into whatever silly kind of face he was trying to make. They were full and lush that day just like they always are. Two rosebud pink cushions and I swear I could feel a tingle on my own lips like I could feel him kissing me with those lips.

“Hi Brandon! Whatcha got? The new yearbook?” I was startled but resisted the urge to slam the book shut to avoid getting ‘caught’ or whatever. My instincts about things are getting better, I think. If I’d made any sudden movements I’d have looked guiltier than just sitting there looking at pictures. I looked up to see Bobby Jinette standing there with a smile that he stretched into a grimace as he ducked a bit like he’d just ‘stepped in it’ somehow.

“Ooops! Didn’t mean to startle ya! I just thought you looked like you could use some company! Who are ya checking out?” He peered into the book to see the thumbnails of all the pictures of fellow students there. There’d be no way he’d know I’d been looking at Billy. There were about 25 pictures per page and I was looking at two pages facing up so 50 pictures is a lot.

“Oh, nobody in particular. Just wondering who I might recognize. I’m terrible at faces and names and putting them together and stuff. I thought this might help me with that.” I told him vaguely.

“I know how that is! As a matter of fact, of that whole bunch of pictures there I think the only one I recognize is Billy Chase’s pic. Then again, he’s easy! I share gym class with him and he’s such a cool person, ya know?” Bobby shocked me a bit with him pulling Billy right out of the line-up like that. I wasn’t aware they shared classes together or that they knew each other that much.

“So, are you two like friends? Do you play racquetball together and stuff?” I don’t know why, but I seemed to want to draw a parallel between his relationship with Billy and mine with Stevie, because, it was becoming clearer and clearer to me that Stevie might be gay and might be ‘fancying me’ as Cedrick likes to put it.

“No. I’m terrible at racquetball! I’m all knees and elbows out there! I usually end up playing catch with a guy name Phillip who I used to know in Little League.” Well, at least I knew that Bobby’s ‘friendly’ interests weren’t totally fixated on Billy! I don’t know why that thought came to me, but I think Chandler’s training has been working because I definitely get a distinctive ‘gay’ vibe off of Bobby just like I do off of Stevie! I wish I could get that vibe from Billy in any way that is definite. I think the Gaydar thing is like one of those weird X-Men psychic powers, the more you want something to feel right the less it does, but the less you care about something the better the power works or something.

“Phillip has a nice one, ya know? I think puberty is really amazing! I see it every time we shower after gym.” Bobby just put that, like, right out there!

“Um ~giggle~ what now?” I had to get clarification on that a bit!

“Yeah, like, Phillip and I have been friends since Second Grade and we always had to change together when it came time for a game. He was always such a little guy and than . . . poof! He started getting taller and muscles and hair and his schlong got huge!” Bobby actually put his hands out like he was measuring it!

I collapsed in laughter! I couldn’t help it! That was just sooooo . . . !

“Boys! I’m going to need you to quiet down. There’s a very important test going on in the reading hall next door! They mustn’t be disturbed!” The Bitch Librarian called from her desk. I swear she’s dumber than a box of rocks! Her bitching us out for laughing was way louder than our giggling! Talk about disruptive!

Bobby rolled his eyes and I did the same.

“Do you have any classes left today? I don’t. Did you wanna go to the 7/11 and get a Slurpee or something?” He offered.

“Actually, I can’t today because I have some chores to do for my Dad after school, but, can you walk me to my bike? I think we should get out of here. Things are getting pretty stuffy in here.” I stared daggers at the Librarian who didn’t even notice or care.

“Okies!” Bobby popped up eagerly, his nearly empty ruck-sack over one shoulder already.

We chit-chatted a bit as I got to my bike. I found it rather strange that when I pointed out which one was mine he had to get out in front of me and dash over to it like it was a new Porche or something! If he gets this excited about my stupid bike then he’d probably die seeing me ride off with Chandler in his Boner Mobile!

Bobby almost seemed to make a point out of bending over to check out my ‘gear system’. The boy has an ass that just won’t quit and his use of it this afternoon just proved my Gaydar senses truer and truer.

“Wow! Four-Speeds! Niicccce!” Bobby said, squatting to allow that butt to spread a bit. Despite myself, I felt myself getting a little hard which I didn’t need at all before a bike ride!

“Yeah, it serves its purpose.” I said, pretty much having to step over his head to mount my bike. I swear, I caught him checking my crotch out!

“Well, see you tomorrow, Bobby. Have a good night.” I said as I engaged that gear system of mine for a rapid take off. It was getting weird.

“Cya!” Bobby said waving after me.

Try as I might, as fast as I might, I couldn’t keep my thing from getting all tight and uncomfortable in my pants on my bike. I had to pump to get up the inclines and stuff and that just put more friction on me. By the time I got home I had to go to the bathroom and work it out. Fortunately, my Dad and Sher Sher were still at work or out so I could moan and groan all I needed to. Chester does’t care what I do so long as I feed him and pet him when I’m done.

Bobby Jinette. What a weird kid!

Wednesday

An interesting if disturbing day.

I finally got to see Billy today! Oh, he was so-o . . . precious today! Not in a ‘girly-man’ kind of way, but just . . . ~sigh~. Just Billy being Billy which is about the best thing any human being could ever hope for in this life. I often forget just how gorgeous he is until I’m standing there and he turns and he sees me. He always gets this shocked expression like he had no idea I’d actually be looking for him. Like, doesn’t he know how, if given the chance, I’d be with him day in and day out every day if I felt like I was safe to do it. I can’t trust myself though. He gets more and more tempting each time I look at him! I so much want to kiss him right on those beautiful pink lips and get lost in those deep eyes where I’m sure I can see stars in them!

Oh God do I have it bad for you, my Billy! I only wish . . . I wish that smile was more than just a friendly one. I wish your smile was the smile that I can’t help but feel spread on my face the minute you turn to face me.

I felt sparkles and pinpricks all over today like I’d suddenly become a fizzy bottle of pop when I saw him in the hall today. I had to ask him . . . I hope I didn’t sound too desperate!

“Could I call you tonight? You know, like before? I really loved that long conversation we had the other night! I’ve been so bored lately and you’re so . . . fun to talk to!” I know it had to have come out with way more desire than one guy calling another guy should create. I couldn’t help it though . . . the minute I saw him today I just needed him! It’s like now that Marie isn’t a factor anymore that this cork has popped somewhere inside and this floodgate of pure fizzy-pop has just erupted inside making everything tingle! I was lucky he didn’t notice how much I had started shaking!

Billy’s giggle made the fizzy turn bubbly inside and it forced a giggle out of me since that amount of fizz had to go somewhere!

But, the problem with fizzing up and bubbling out if you’re a pop bottle is that it doesn’t take much after that to make you go flat. Billy’s excuse for maybe not being available deflated me pretty bad, I’ll be honest. That’s the problem with rocketing up too high too fast, you come down just as quickly.

“Sure, that would be great, except . . . I’ve been visiting Jimmy, see, you know since he’s been . . . um . . . like away so I might not get the chance tonight.” He said looking around like he didn’t quite want to look me in the eye saying that.

At first I was confused, “Oh . . . I didn't know you and Jimmy were so close.” I’d not figured that Jimmy and Billy had that kind of relationship. One where Billy’d actually go and visit Jimmy in the actual hospital! It had been an idea that had occurred to me once or twice thinking Jimmy might not have anyone else from school that really cared enough to visit him. I’ll admit, though, I chickened out of it. I still feel somewhat responsible for putting Jimmy into that place way at the beginning of the year when I confronted those jock assholes for him only to make Jimmy’s torment worse. I felt so guilty about that no matter what anyone says. If I’d just kept my nose out of things maybe Jimmy wouldn’t have been pushed to near suicide.

I felt ashamed and jealous about Billy’s wanting to visit Jimmy, but I also felt amazed at how big Billy’s heart is that he’d actually go and . . . do that for somebody! It is only a reflection on my weak character that I should feel anything at all negative about what Billy is doing for Jimmy. One of the darker feelings I suddenly got was envy! How I wish I could be as kind and generous as Billy is! How is it right to be envious about someone else’s better nature? It isn’t, but there it is. So here I am feeling flattened by the weight of my own guilt after having had that thrill of pure . . . love that I’d felt for Billy just by seeing him again today. His love of Jimmy should have made my love for Billy scream even louder, but . . . I’m such a wreck of a human being that I can’t even feel that for him and what he is doing for Jimmy.

Anyway . . . in light (or dark) of these conflicting thoughts and feelings, when Billy asked me if I might want to join him on a visit to see Jimmy, I just couldn’t even think about it. I even compounded things by lying to Billy about how much I really knew Jimmy.

He asked, “Hey, you should come with me next time. I think Jimmy would like that. You know, he really needs some friends right now.”

I must have cringed visibly because I saw Billy’s face drop a bit after he asked me and saw my reaction. I lied, “I'm sorry. I don't really know him all that well. I kinda don't wanna see him like that.”

Actually, part of that is quite true. I really don’t want to see him like that! I just don’t think I can face what I helped do to put him in that hospital. I’ve learned my lesson, where Jimmy’s concerned . . . it is better just to leave things well enough alone! I can only mess things up more!

“You sure? He’s really doing pretty good, considering.” Billy prompted me, but I just shook my head. I felt the need, then, to get away from Billy so that he wouldn’t ask me anymore! It was ironic how different I left him today than how I met him. I was so happy to see him and then . . . I was so happy to get away from Billy today.

We’ll never be together. Even as friends. He’s just . . . too good for me, I guess.

Thursday

More weirdness today. It’s the end of the semester, why does there have to be any more weirdness? Haven’t we had enough all the rest of the year already? Sheesh!

Bobby ferreted me out again. This time I was getting ready to get some things to do in the Library when he popped up behind me . . . real close . . . and said. “Hey! What’s up!”

I turned to look down and see his two blue-green eyes staring up at me with this big silly grin on his face. I honestly wasn’t in the mood for company today after my failure with Billy yesterday, but I could see there was going to be no getting rid of Bobby.

“So . . . here’s one:
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, ‘Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect.’

‘Wow,’ the boy replies. ‘I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!’ "

“Hehehe! What the hell?” I turned back around from fumbling in my locker to stare at Bobby who was barely able to contain himself.

“How about this one:
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, ‘Looks like you blew a seal.’

‘No,’ the penguin insists, ‘it's just ice cream.’ Hehehehe!”

“Hahahaha! How the hell are you coming up with these? Geeze, Bobby! Hehehehe!” I couldn’t help but to laugh out loud!

Bobby continued to snicker, “Hehehe, my uncle has a million of ‘em!”

“They say it’s bad luck to laugh at your own jokes, ya know!” I chuckled.

“Well . . . since they’re not really mine I’m good, see?” Bobby came back. Hahahaha! He really is too funny!

“Ok . . .” I said, getting ready for the one my father likes:
“An elderly couple are at the cinema . . .

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.’ ”

Bobby gave out this high-pitched wheezy laugh that got me to laughing harder. That was fun today.

As we were getting our breath, I saw Stevie walk by and I was about to wave him over, but his bright blue eyes looked up at me and then just skewered Bobby who was still giggling. Stevie walked past without even a howdy-do!

What was that all about? Fuck him! Jeeze!

Like I said . . . weirdness today.

Friday

Well, Bobby seems to have become glued to me somehow. I have no idea where this came from! He was back while I was at the locker carrying on again with some even more stupid but funny jokes. I think he’s practicing to be a stand-up comedian or something! I have to wonder if his ‘perv’ uncle might not be one himself and is passing all his best material on to Bobby. Hehehe. I couldn’t help but giggle at them. Those jokes are pretty classic. I did get a weird feeling from him today, though. Bobby seemed to keep standing closer to me as he was talking to the point where I could still smell the pizza on his breath from lunch.

He was back around later as I was getting ready to go home. I needed to get a few books from my locker to turn back in to the library since I wasn’t going to need them again. Is it weird that some text books you feel sorry about giving up? I really liked the American History one I was using. It is well written and the professor who wrote it had a cool style of writing. It was almost like he was telling a story! He had a strange name like Dr. Vlad Valley or something. All I could think of was ‘Vlad Dracula’ with that name, Hehehe! I’ve been watching too much Creature Feature I guess.

Anyways, Bobby was beating around the bush about wanting to come over this weekend, but I played dumb like I wasn’t understanding him. I just am not ready to let him in that far yet. He’s kind of . . . pushy, if you know what I mean! I don’t trust pushy people.

“Hey, Brandon! What’s up?” I heard that cheerful chirp and damn near broke my neck whirling around to see Billy standing there all aglow with his own sweet self! I don’t know how I’d convinced myself that I’d probably never get to talk to him again after he asked me about Jimmy. Sometimes, I think I let my guilty conscience make up things that are real when they aren’t, if that makes any sense. If it does, I’m very sorry for you!

“Say, I know we didn’t get around to it this week, but did you want to talk on the phone with me this weekend or something?” He asked in a, kind of, weird way. Emphasizing things like maybe I couldn’t understand English. I hope he doesn’t think I’m hard of hearing.

Hehehe, then I got it! It was when he forced a smile and said ‘hi’ to Bobby before turning back to me and making it a point to totally ignore him! I’m sure Billy thought he was being smooth about hiding something from me with how he was acting, but it was pretty clear . . . Billy was staking a claim! Not only was he staking his claim, he was staking his claim with me! I was and am a bit shocked that he’d do this! Was Billy actually jealous of Bobby? Was he actually jealous because of Bobby’s trying to get to know me?

I had my suspicions, so I figured I’d make my case as subtly as possible so that, maybe, I could stake my claim to who’s my choice when it came to . . . friends:

“I always wanna talk to you, Billy.” I said it with a level of feeling I didn’t mean to put into it, but I couldn’t help it. I looked into that slightly flushed face and saw the subtle look of satisfaction on Billy’s face and I knew I was right! Billy ‘won’ me today!

The thing Billy doesn’t seem to understand is this Bobby's cute . . . but he is no Billy Chase!

He never will be. What is more, the way Bobby just, sort of, faded away after Billy went on his way says that he might understand that now. Bobby can be a great pal, but he’ll never replace Billy in my heart. That sounds so sappy and so stupid because I know Billy will never want me in any way deeper than just a friend, but, even so . . . Billy is to me who he is.

It is pointless to keep denying it.

Stevie caught up to me before my getting on my bike to go home. I noticed he’d done so by riding up on his particularly favorite form of transportation, his skateboard. I’d never seen him with a board before but seeing him with his ultra-tight pants, his My Bloody Valentine t-shirt, his black floppy hair, and that seriously beautiful smile he can get made me sure that the skateboard just completed the picture.

“Hey Brandon!” He huffed a bit because he must have been plowing the asphalt pretty hard.

“Hi, Stevie! I was gonna say hi to you yesterday, but, you like, totally didn’t see me!” I poked. I wanted to see what that was all about yesterday when, again, Bobby was there joking around and Stevie just walked by with his nose in the air.

“Meh, I’d just gotten done with my math final and wasn’t in the mood for that Bobby dickwad!” Stevie blew a ‘tsseh’ and got this disgusted look. I had to wonder what Bobby had done to Stevie to get that response.

“What’s wrong with Bobby?” I asked.

“Nuthin’ . . . much. He’s just a gossip that’s all! I’d watch it around him if I were you! Don’t tell him too much or it will be ALL over school if you aren’t careful!” Stevie was serious about that and I had to admit I was taken aback by it! I had no reason not to trust Stevie and I had absolutely no reason TO trust Bobby. I have found it strange how quickly Bobby’s been trying to ‘befriend’ me and this so close to the end of the semester!

“Thanks for the warning. I’ll . . . keep an eye on him then.” I promised.

“Great! You want to go down to the skatepark with me? They got some incredible ramps there! I’m learning some new tricks!” Stevie popped a wheelie on his board and then flipped it and caught it again with his foot. That was a pretty cool trick!

“Yeah, sure. Why not? I don’t know how to skateboard, though. So I won’t, probably, be able to do much more than watch.” I said as I slowly rode away with Stevie skating beside me.

“No problem! I need a cheerleader anyway! You’re almost pretty enough to be one . . . hehehe!” Stevie snickered.

“Oh, fuck off! Hehehe!” I said and we did end up at the skatepark and it really was a great show. I was impressed by Stevie, but more so by one guy whose name was Brett. Brett had long shaggy blond hair, a really thin build under baggy clothes, and I swear that board of his was magnetically locked to his feet! The board never left his feet whether he was flying through the air upside-down, vaulting with one hand and landing far away, spinning, or whatever! The music was cranking, the skating was ‘dank’, and the sodas and chips were free! I think I stayed there with Stevie for a good couple of hours!

Later, before sunset, Stevie and I headed out. He thanked me as he went off toward home and as he waved he joked: “See you later ‘Pretty Boy’!”

This is Brandon . . . Mr. ‘Pretty Boy’ ~ Oh, brother!