Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (1) - 39. Entry 39

Saturday, June 7th

Nothing much to report.

I’m working on an end of term paper for History class. When I heard I had to do a term paper in History my blood froze in my body. I HAAAAAAATE term papers! Not to say that I can’t write ok, because, as you can tell by now, I’m basically Charles Dickens . Buuuut, term papers are always a pain because I have to use a special format and I have to ‘cite my references’ which means I have to go researching forever and take note cards so I can get author and publication dates. I’m a first year! Why should I have to face a term paper like this so soon into the game? It’s not FAIR!

Anyways, my Saturday was spent in the Library mostly. Actually, the research part of things wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Some of it was, kind of, interesting!

We had to pick an era of US History that we wanted to write about (wanted?), read that part over again in the textbook, and then go to the Library and look up other things about the subject. We had to use books, though, because he’d know if we were using Wikipedia as he has those entries ‘memorized!’ He wanted us to find ‘new’ stuff. Isn’t history supposed to be about old stuff? How can I find new stuff about old stuff? I swear to Baby Jesus that these teachers are going to drive me into a psychotic break!

So, I chose ‘the cold war’ mostly because of the stories my Dad has told me about growing up during that time. My teacher (his name’s Mr. West and I think he’s an old hipster by the way he dresses and, um, smells) was impressed that I wanted to do the paper on that subject because it was kind of ‘a complicated time in American History.’ He added, “Brandon, good luck! If you write something good I might just give you extra credit for your efforts!’ Extra credit? That actually made me more nervous than ever about the paper because Mr. West hardy ever does the ‘extra credit thing.’

When I got into it, though, I really got into it! I did watch some YouTube videos about certain things that went on and, at one point, I actually got a little scared! Something I never thought a stupid history exercise could do! I watched a video and then found a book about how the US nearly got nuked twice! One time was waaaay back in 1979, like ancient history, when a computer glitch told the Russian military (they were called ‘Soviets’ back then for some reason) that America had lobbed a bunch of nuke missiles at them! The ‘Soviets’ nearly lobbed their bunch of nuke missiles at us in retaliation when one smart cookie found out that it was all an error in the computer and he actually shut down the whole thing against orders! He saved the world, this guy! No one, like, knew anything about him till a long time later when things got declassified or whatever. I was like whoa ‘cause I realized that my Dad was alive then and he was only a little boy of 2 at the time! My poor old Dad! He was a cute kid back then too! Awww!

But then, guess what! IT HAPPENED AGAIN and not but a few years later in 1983 when my Dad was 6 and my Mamma was 5! This time it was on the American side that the fuck up occurred! Another computer glitch! Another ‘War Game’ gone wrong! They found the problem and prevented another near nuclear holocaust! I think it even inspired an 80s movie called ‘War Games’ that I’ll have to watch now. It has a cute guy in it that reminds me of a dude I used to know named Stanley.

Just to put a finer point on things, I looked up what a nuclear bomb could do, because, like, movies are all special effects and I’ve basically seen half the universe destroyed and planets and stars and whatever, so true destruction in movies just doesn’t mean anything to me. (Gasp, I need to let my fingers cool down after that run on sentence!) So, I watched an old declassified tape from the 50s about nukes going off and, um, I’ll tell you, I just sat there for a few minutes after watching all that completely, like, STUNNED! How can things like that even exist? How did stupid people even come up with things like that? My God! So scary!

I was sure to put all this down in the paper and managed to make it make sense as an example of all the unbelievable shit going on during that time that no one even knew about. I’ve read the paper back to myself a couple of times and it’s pretty good, if I do say so myself (and I do)!

Later, during ‘chillax mode,’ I talked with Cedrick about what I’d written and, oddly enough, he knew all about that stuff. Apparently, the Brits were way more in-tune with what went on in the Cold War than even the Americans were and they lived and died on ‘rumours’ of what the two superpowers were up to behind their backs. He referred me to a song on ilovemusic called ‘The Russians’ by a rock star of that time named Sting. (Sting?) He also referred me to every James Bond movie up until the ones done by Pierce Brosnan because they, basically, ‘glamourised’ the whole thing by turning James Bond into this superhero spy that would save England’s butt no matter what the ‘Bloody Americans or Fucking Ruskies got up to, oi!’ Hehehehe! I love Cedrick so much!

I just listened to ‘The Russians’ now for the fifth time in a row! It sort of brings you the feelings of that time. The fear and hysteria that one or the other side was going to kill everyone over stupid politics! I’ll tell you when thinking about it from what my Dad might have gone through as a boy growing up, it, kind of, brought a little tear to my eye. I hugged my Dad really hard later tonight, which he thought was really weird. I didn’t explain, I just wanted him to know that I loved him and glad he was here with me. Later, I think I heard him playing ‘The Russians’ in his bedroom. This reminds me that I need to be more quiet with things in my room, coz, um, I think my Dad can hear more than he lets on most the time! 😮

So, for now, I’ll go to bed. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I have no idea what I’ll be doing. Hopefully, no more homework about the End Of The World (dramatic music)!

This is Brandon hoping that the Russians love their children too.

Week of June 8th

Weekly Wrap-up:

Sunday I learned something strange. Jamie can’t dance. What’s more, Jamie can’t dance and he is terrified of going to the dance this coming Friday. What’s more more, he hasn’t managed to get a date to go to the dance. What’s more more more, he wants ME to come along with him personally so that he ‘doesn’t feel so weird’ about being at the dance. Marie can’t go, because her Mom said she wasn’t old enough yet, which apparently, sent her off into a full-blown meltdown last night. The tenseness in Church, this morning, was enough to ‘geld a horny stallion’ as my Uncle would say. LOL!

So, I guess it’s true, I’m Jamie’s ‘date’ Friday. I tried to squirm out of it, but it was no good. Jamie pleaded with me over an uneaten donut that I come with him as moral support. I asked him why not go with his posse, but he shook his head almost violently.

“No-oooo! They’ll see me without a date and start thinking I’m a fag again!” I winced at the world and he apologized, not because he thought he offended me, but because we were in a Church setting and shouldn’t be using any ‘f’ words, even that one. I actually winced because, well, you know and also because: they thought what AGAIN? What the hell? They’ve actually thought Jamie was Gay once? Somehow, after meeting Chandler, I can, sort of, get that.

On that note, I pointed out an obvious flaw in his logic, “How is going with me to the dance instead of a girl not going to make you look like you’re Gay?” Jamie got this adorably confused look on his face like I just started talking in Finnish!

“Why would they think that? They know you’re dating my Sissy! Come on, Dude! I need a Wing Man I can trust!” I couldn’t help it that I blushed a bit at that, but I tried to push it off by rolling my eyes. I am actually touched as well as strangely honored that Jamie would think this of me. How did he come to get this attached to me?

“O-ok . . . But I still don’t think it’s a good idea.” I said, which made him continue to look at me weird.

“Well, I do and I think, with you there, that we could have a little fun anyways! Maybe we could spike the punch-bowl or something and watch everyone get drunk? Hehehehe!” He snickered which caused me to chuckle a bit. Marie came over and wanted to know what we were being sneaky about and Jamie, naturally, blurted, the whole thing out to her which sent her off in a huff. I think she’s jealous of her brother going with me to this thing!

Seriously, how do I get myself into these things?

Monday, I actually went looking for Jimmy because I woke up that morning to a nightmare that left me sweating! I dreamt that I was in History class and the loud-speaker came on and announced that Jimmy LaPlane had committed suicide! Kids all around me started to cry, especially the girls! I then found myself at Church and there was a casket there and when I went up to look inside Jimmy was laying there like he was asleep, except he wasn’t asleep. He was dead! He looked so ‘artificial’ like a doll or whatever! Like he was made of wax!

Then the true horror of the nightmare hit! The boy in the casket changed! He changed into me!

I woke up so fast with me breathing hard and my heart racing, it was so horrible! Oh my fucking God! I haven’t had a nightmare that bad since Mama died! All the old feelings came back, too. The feelings of crushing sadness and hopeless helplessness. All that time when all I could do was sit there in that pew in that Church and cry my eyes out, knowing that all my tears were useless because they could never bring my Mama back again. God was deaf to my pain and the world was so unfair! In some blasphemous part of my soul, I felt God was laughing at me! Somehow, I got the feeling that this is exactly how Jimmy is feeling now!

It all got mixed up in that nightmare Monday morning. My Dad saw I’d been crying and knew I’d had another one of my nightmares. I didn’t go into detail with it with him because the Jimmy thing is a new thing I don’t quite know what to make of yet. Why he should have entered my dreams and in that way is something I can’t even begin to explain. Also, the fact that the image should morph into me, though! That part was completely spooky and something I rather not think about either!

Jimmy was nowhere to be found Monday, as far as I could tell. I really wanted to talk to him a bit about the mixtape and all, but I couldn’t find him. Now I have this terrible feeling of something being incomplete and unsolved. I hate loose ends! I hate mysteries, especially mysteries that involve an image of my own death!

Tuesday. Ah, Billy.

You have no idea how you make me both next level happy and next level miserable all at the same time.

I was in the Library again getting some stuff together for the next final when my little golden love nugget appeared (just like I hoped he would). I had been seriously jonesing for a fix of Billy and, like the angel of mercy he is, there he appeared as if by magic.

I loved to see him so much that I couldn’t quite keep myself all reserved like per usual. He asked all the right things and pulled all the right strings to get me to talking. God in heaven help me, I always feel so privileged when Billy seeks me out and wants, well, ME! It is quite the ego boost.

But, remember, I’m me and I’m trying not to ‘do’ this with Billy anymore. It isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair to me, so I remembered the Joanna thing and so . . . I asked the question: “So, I hear you're dating Joanna now? Are you taking her to the dance?”

The face he made, it confused me. It confused me in a lot of ways. In a good way, in a bad way, in a good/bad way, I don’t know. It was just a twinkle of something and it was something that made my heart flutter for a bit.

It was more than the change in looks that gave me something to think about. There was something clicking behind those eyes that was different. At once he was looking at me with that intense puppy dog look Billy gets: the same one he gives Sam, but stronger! It is similar to the one I saw him have with Jamie during that fire drill a while back. Then, when I asked the stupid question, his face fell and became so-o disappointed and, well, almost hurt! It’s times like that when I wish I could read Billy’s mind! His face was such a mix of emotions. It gave me a bit of hope, to be honest!

Then . . . guess what? SAM again!

It’s like he’s stalking Billy and finding any excuse to drive a wedge between him and me! Why is Sam doing this? Why does he even care if Billy talks to me or not? Is he, like, JEALOUS? I thought Sam was supposed to be ‘straight!’ Could I be as wrong about him as I seem to be about Jamie? Is my Gaydar not quite as good as I think it is? Not that it is very good, really, because, so far, it has only worked on guys who are obvious! People like that AJ creep at the Mall.

Anyway, Sam jumped in again and interrupted Billy and me so I didn’t get an opportunity to really . . . explore this strange reaction Billy was having to my question. Sam said something to me about who my date was going to be and how I might want to be sure she still wanted to go with me to the stupid dance or whatever.

Firstly, Sam has no business talking about Marie at all! Secondly, he doesn’t need to point out that Billy and Joanna will be there too, together, like, with no one else with them, which I already figured would be a lie. Every time I see Billy with Joanna at the Mall it’s with that crew of other kids with him, my little Belle of the Ball, etc.

Anyway, I took the hint. Sam was needling me again over trying to guilt me into doing the double-date thing with Billy and Joanna. This was a corner-and-blackmail tactic to try to guilt me into doing things Sam’s way so as not to be made a fool of in front of Billy. Well, didn’t work! I just got fed up and left. I looked back at Billy and then Sam. Billy looked so worried that he’d done something wrong. How could he even think that? Billy is such a sweetheart, how could he do anything to anyone that should make him feel even a lick guilty. It’s gonna get him in trouble one day, that heart he wears so close to his sleeve. Yet, it is this very fact of him that has me falling deeper and deeper for him each time we meet.

That said, Sam did his job and I was out of there. Sad Billy or not, I was liable to smack Sam over the head with my book bag if I let my Italian temper get to me again. What an ASSSSSSSHOOOOLE!!! I figure Billy wouldn’t have liked that so it was better that I just leave things.

Just before sitting down to type this I wrote a hand-written note to Billy for tomorrow. I figured I’d get the point across this way because Sam was not likely to be able to interrupt a secret note. So, I wrote:

Hey Billy!

Just wanted to touch base and say I’m sorry that I seem to keep getting in-between you and Sam lately. I know you are good friends and I’d hate to mess with that. That’s why I walked out yesterday. It wasn’t because I was mad at you or even Sam. I just don’t want to cause trouble for you. Also, I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I don’t quite know how to deal with it just now. That’s probably why you might think I’ve been acting a little weird. I hope everything is ok. Talk to you again soon. 😊

Brandon

Not Shakespeare, but I hope it gets the point across. I was half-tempted to put a heart or something really mushy like that to, kind of, express my interest in Billy, but thought better of it. Billy is straight and I have to keep reminding myself of this, funny faces at the Library or not.

Wednesday I made sure to track Billy down so I could hand him the little note personally. I thought about sneaking it into his locker, but then he might not have found it and somebody else might have found it instead and caused a stink. That would have been the LAST thing I would have wanted.

When I came up to him he was so pleasantly surprised! What a bright, beautiful smile he had! I almost lost my balance I got so wobbly legged seeing that. There was something extra shiny about Billy today like he had a special golden glow around him or something!

“Um, here!” This is how I hand Billy my first handwritten note to him. THIS! I am SUCH a dweeb!

“Oh, uh . . . thanks! A, um . . . a note! Hehehe!” Billy’s giggles are cute enough to make you melt all over the floor and run into the drain in the bathroom floor, just sayin’!

“Um, wait till you get home to read it, K? Under no circumstances open it up here! Just, you know . . . so many distractions around here.” I asked this of Billy because I didn’t want anyone else catching that I’d passed him a ‘secret’ little note like a girl! Part of me was scared Billy would think my giving him the note in such a silly way was Gay. I was glad that part of my paranoia was wrong, for a change. As a matter of fact, all the bad reactions I expect from Billy never happen. He always smiles and seems to actually like my weirdnesses. But, then I tend to overthink things, I guess. He probably doesn’t even notice things about me.

Thursday I had another final. This one had been easy. It was for Geometry and, even though Mr. Webber did throw us a couple of curveball problems, all I had to do was figure my way around them using the formulas he’d given me. Basically, just break things into smaller shapes and then add areas together. Easy-peezy.

Billy came to me wondering about the note. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I just left it face-value, so to speak. It’s an open door so that he won’t be afraid to come to me in the future despite what Sam does or whatever. I know I should, but I just can’t break my connection with Billy that easy. I . . . need him.

We’ll see what seeds take root that my little note might have planted.

Tomorrow is the weird dance thingie with my ‘date’ Jamie. This ought to be rich!

This is Brandon . . . planter of seeds.