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Author Guess Who - #1
I wanted to do something new for 2019, and what better than to start the new year off with a brand new feature. This one could be interesting as Authors were sent interview questions and had to answer them. The author's name has been omitted, and you'll have until the 26th to guess the author. The weekly wrap up on the 27th will reveal who our mystery author is. Each member gets three guesses, after that, guesses won't count. Happy guessing! What is one thing that most GA members might not know about you? I have never been hang gliding. What prompted you to write your first story? My grade 5 teacher. I’d always made up stories but she pushed me to write one. What genre of books do you enjoy reading and have you written for that genre? Many types are including comedy, drama, historical, horror, and science fiction. I’ve written a number of them. Is there a genre that you haven’t written for that you would consider trying later on? Perhaps one day historical or horror. Both would be a challenge. What do like most about publishing on GA? That would have to be the interaction with readers. Do you have any unique writing habits or rituals to help you get into a writing mood? No, nothing in particular. I do like to have a cup of coffee, however. How has your writing style evolved over time? Yes, it most definitely has evolved. Practice makes perfect as they say. Most people know I need a lot more practice. Do you have a significant other? Yes, I do. Do you have any pets? No, I do not have any pets. Do pet rocks count? Do you post multi-chapter stories as you write? Do you wait until you’ve finished writing the entire story? Or is it something in between? I prefer to write the entire story. Doing so ensures that you do not write yourself into a corner. So much less embarrassment that way. What is your favorite television show? Well, that’s a hard one. After much thought, I would have to say, Fortitude. What is your favorite movie? The Legend of Hell House Do you write poetry? Prose? Or both? I enjoy writing both. Each of them brings a different sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be? I would enjoy meeting John Steinbeck. He is an author I much admire. What would you say is your greatest accomplishment? Beyond my writing, I would have to say my marriage. It means a great deal to me.- 10 comments
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Reviews Revisited (2014-2018)
Reviews Revisited To start the new year off, the review team thought that we'd take a look at all the reviews posted since 2014. There were a lot of wonderful reviews submitted by readers and by the review team. Reviews for stories that were part of the CSR or are no longer found on site have been omitted. If you're curious about the review and would like to read it, simply click on the date and the link will take you to the review. Don't see your favorite story on the list? Consider writing your own review and submitting it. If you are interested in doing a review for the blog, contact @Timothy M.. A huge thank you to Timothy for taking the time to compile the list. 2018 January 8th: Classic Author Special Review - The Review Team January 22nd: Confide/ant by Sasha Distan - Lisa February 12th: Shifter by Skinnydragon - Puppilull March 12th: Predator/Prey by Parker Owens - Spikey582 April 9th: Travelling Home by podga - Timothy M. April 23rd: Boy story: The road taken by Rip Skor - Puppilull May 14th: Button by Cole Matthews - BlindAmbition June 11th: The Lilydale Leopards by Graeme - Timothy M. July 9th: How the Light Gets In by Duncan Ryder - Parker Owens July 23rd: Blood of the Neko by Craftingmom - LitLover August 13th: Losing Kevin by Ronyx - BlindAmbition September 10th: Pour Me Another by K.C. - Spikey582 October 8th: The Web by MrM - Puppilull October 22nd: Never Too Late by northie - Timothy M. November 12th: Twelve Gays of Christmas by Iomax61 - Puppilull December 10th: The Hollow Hills by Valkyrie - Cole Matthews December 24th: Favorite Christmas Story Special Review - The Review Team 2017 January 9th: Circle of Hell Stories by Sasha Distan - Puppilull January 23rd: Joined by Blood by Renee Stevens - Aditus February 13th: Secret Admirer Special Review - The Review Team April 10th: Hypnotic by Cia - Litlover May 8th: The Navigator by Cynus - Timothy M. May 22nd: Unforgivable by LitLover - Spikey582 June 12th: A Healing Heart by Lilansui - Puppillul July 10th: Rule #3 by CassieQ - William King July 24th: Premium Stories Special Review - The Review Team August 14th: Alex and Zach by Greg_A - Aditus September 11th: 9/11 by Mark Arbour - Timothy M. October 9th: Morningstar : The Malaise by Headstall - Wicked Witch October 23rd: Miss Silver Pretty-Pink Toes by mikiesboy - AC Benus November 13th: Personal Banking by Refugium - Puppilull December 11th: Famous Barr series by AC Benus - Timothy M. 2016 January 18th: Toy Soldiers by Dabeagle - Valkyrie February 15th: Trouble Plus Trouble by Palantir - Timothy M. April 18th: MetaBattles by JohnAR - Defiance19 May 9th: Red Running Shoes by Aditus - Timothy M. May 23rd: Song and Dance by Headstall - Litlover June 20th: Thaw by Puppilull - Timothy M. July 11th: A to Z by Parker Owens - Aditus August 8th: The Alliance by VVesley - Puppilull August 22nd: About Carl by Diogenes - Timothy M. September 12th: NaPoWriMo by Mikiesboy - Aditus October 10th: Shapeshifter by metajinx - Puppilull October 24th: MetaDeaths by JohnAR - PKCrichton November 14th: Nature Wrath Anthology Special Review - The Review Team 2015 January 19th: The English Year by Jwolf - Timothy M. February 16th: Dangerous Impulses by Greg_A - Cia March 16th: Leaving Club Leo by C James - Renee Stevens March 23rd: Meta by JohnAR - Timothy M. April 20th: Savory, Bitter and Sweet by Percy - Timothy M. May 18th: Gaymer by Dabeagle - Renee Stevens June 20th: Denn's Mobile Circus by Twisted_Dreemz - AC Benus July 20th: Bound and Bound: The Curse and the Captives by AC Benus - Valkyrie August 17th: MetaOrigins by JohnAR - Puppilull August 24th: Future Imperfect by Bill W - Atruefan September 21st: Prophylaxis by Rambling Robin - Timothy M. November 16th: Confounded by Andr0gene - Timothy M. November 23rd: MetaShadowlands by JohnAR - Litlover December 21st: Kissing the Dragon by lomax - Timothy M. 2014 January 20th: No Room In The Lodge by Joann414 - LJH (Louis Harris) February 17th: Burden of Secrets by Cia - Comicfan March 17th: Roommates by Krista - LJH (Louis Harris) March 24th: The Lake by Dolores Esteban - Joann414 May 19th: Geeks by CassieQ - Cole Matthews June 16th: Memoirs Of A Child Of The Past Century by Old Bob - Percy June 23rd: The Matchmaker is Grounded by Dark - Renee Stevens August 18th: The Game by Nephylim - Joann414 September 15th: Empath's Kiss by Andrew Todd - Renee Stevens September 22nd: Judas Tree by AC Benus - Timothy M. October 13th: Joined by Blood by Renee Stevens - Cia November 17th: Imprint by Hermit in the Cave - faxity December 8th: Misunderstandings by BigAKHorton - Timothy M. December 22nd: Gay Whales by Graeme - Renee Stevens- 1 comment
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If I were gone...
Recent events started me thinking. I have made many good friends online, both here at GA and elsewhere. I would worry if one of them went missing with no warning or explanation.
When SkinnyDragon found about his prognosis, he took the time, something he had precious little of, to fill us in.
I am one of those super organized people. After having to make the arrangements for both my parents, then my father in law, I decided that was something I didn't want my loved ones to have to deal with. When I got a diagnosis of cancer, one of the things I did was a visit to our families choice of funeral directors. We discussed what I wanted and put it all in a file "just in case".
My family is well aware of my membership here, but some would prefer to keep GA a more private part of their life. While speaking with Hugh, (yes we are on a first name basis, we have known each other since highschool) he asked what I thought at the time an odd question, if there were anyone my family might not know about that I would want notified in the event of my death. After discussing it, I gave him the info he needed to get to GA and one of the things he will do when the time comes is post a notice here.
Please friends, consider including info on contacting us in your "when I am gone" stuff. If you are in a position where you would prefer your family not know, reach out to someone you trust. It gives me peace of mind knowing I will not just go poof.
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I Rest My Case
So, I was fumbling through my stuff, looking for the chip for a wireless mouse for my sister's new laptop when I stumbled upon loads of books I had when I was a 16 year old sausage.
One was filled with prototypes of my story Bffs with the occational weird fairytale-esque stories with talking cats and an angry little prince on rooftops escapades.
But one book hit the feels real hard.
I had kept one notebook filled with my inner feelings and angry thoughts;of those one would expect to see in a teen. The angry verses and hateful phrases were based on the struggles that my family and I experienced some time ago (tho most of my struggles were OF my family). Every page was filled with curses and thoughts of death to all mankind with the occasional sarcastic praise to God's cruel game. At first, I thought it was funny, then disturbing and then it really hit me hard.
The book was completely filled; with only a few more empty pages left. The last entry states my complaint on my seemingly lazy and useless siblings needing the most affection and attention.
With the last few pages left I thought I'd fill for the last time, my thoughts. But this time, instead of angry rants, I drew my conclusion. I simply hushed my former self and assured her that for all the years passed, things have finally gotten better. I assured her that she was capable of loving her family and that now, almost 6 years later, she does; and they her. And assured her that now she is working on a better future and is living comfortably with nice pretty things. I told her that she could now lay her anger to rest and she no longer have the need to despise God. All is well, and hopefully, the future will stay bright. I was finally able to sign the page with my true initials. I was at peace.
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Happy and sad moments-mini-cat's kitten
Around four pm, mini-cat became restless. She wandered around the house and followed me everywhere. Then around ten, she had her first contractions. The first kitten, a large black and white, was born at 11:15. Sadly Alpha was dead by the time it was finally born.
The second (Bravo) came an hour later. It was barely alive and we quickly cut the umbilical cord and rubbed it dry with a towel. For a short time, we thought we would lose it too, but it got stronger when we fed it with dry milk for kitten. Whew!
The third, Charlie, and fourth, Delta, came really quick. We had to cut the umbilical cord and rub it dry because mini-cat was busy with giving birth. After Delta mini-cat and her kitten went to sleep in one of three very cozy cardboard boxes and we slept on the couch beside her. You never know...
Around three am I woke up because Nox barked in the next room. He was thirsty. When we looked at mommy and the babies, we found a fifth baby, Echo, lying before the box, crying pitifully. Obviously, mini-cat secretly had another one and left it outside because the others started crying. So, once again, cutting the umbilical cord, rubbing it dry and back to mommy.
All is well so far, they are drinking and sleeping and mommy only leaves them to eat and drink. So cute.
We hope it stays well and nothing more happens. Fingers crossed.
I woke up this morning and Echo was really bad. On the way to the vet, but it doesn't look good.
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Two Poems
Becoming Poets
You and I, we have a strong bond
Like brothers, like lovers;
We disgust the world with our vain perversions,our inane attachment with the word and the seas of heresy
part at our command revealing the shells of untruths hiding
beneath the silt of social justice.
Ecstasy beyond judgement is what we sharein the binding fallacy of corporeal pain
battling to win over the spirit.
Our ascension begins at the alter of ego.
Broken down pieces of the mirror of self-hate, we treadupon our steps to immortality. Morality, ethics, civility, higher power
are all suspended in space as dwindling starlights, reaching us
from the outer edges of cosmos.
You and I, we have a strong bond.
Like brothers, like lovers;
We step over millions of corpses to reach the quintessential truth, the poesy of nature.
21/03/17Paranoia
When I see you talking to others I think of it as betrayal
When I see you smiling with others I question if you are loyal
When I see you moving on with life going roundabout your business
I feel I have been left out from it all in order to hide your menace
I know the wheels are turning
I know the fires are burning out
Emotions are condensing in big chunks of ice
And soon it won't suffice to tell you that I love you,
that the earth only blooms for you,
that my breath begins & ends with you
And soon you will leave me for the others who make you smile, who kiss
you behind my back, smell your hair, bend you over to the road of infidelity
And it drives me mad, mad like a ragging bull,
Like a substance user craving his previous high
I can't stand them making you smile
One of these days I will tell them of your lies
22/03/17
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Kemal, The Story Of An Eastern Prince....
A song I like - and so it was also the first greek song I tried to sing in my favorite Greek restaurant. There exists a much different version in english, more like a nonsense /fun kids song.
Στίχοι: Νίκος Γκάτσος
Μουσική: Μάνος Χατζιδάκις
Πρώτη εκτέλεση: Αλίκη ΚαγιαλόγλουΆλλες ερμηνείες:
Βασίλης Λέκκας
Μάριος Φραγκούλης
Μαρία Φαραντούρη
Αλκίνοος Ιωαννίδης
Μανώλης Μητσιάς
Σαββίνα ΓιαννάτουΑκούστε την ιστορία του Κεμάλ
ενός νεαρού πρίγκιπα, της ανατολής
απόγονου του Σεβάχ του θαλασσινού,
που νόμισε ότι μπορεί να αλλάξει τον κόσμο.
αλλά πικρές οι βουλές του Αλλάχ
και σκοτεινές οι ψυχές των ανθρώπων.Στης Ανατολής τα μέρη μια φορά και ένα καιρό
ήταν άδειο το κεμέρι, μουχλιασμένο το νερό
στη Μοσσούλη, τη Βασσόρα, στην παλιά τη χουρμαδιά
πικραμένα κλαίνε τώρα της ερήμου τα παιδιά.Κι ένας νέος από σόι και γενιά βασιλική
αγροικάει το μοιρολόι και τραβάει κατά εκεί.
τον κοιτάν οι Βεδουίνοι με ματιά λυπητερή
κι όρκο στον Αλλάχ τους δίνει, πως θ’ αλλάξουν οι καιροί.Σαν ακούσαν οι αρχόντοι του παιδιού την αφοβιά
ξεκινάν με λύκου δόντι και με λιονταριού προβιά
απ’ τον Τίγρη στον Ευφράτη, απ’ τη γη στον ουρανό
κυνηγάν τον αποστάτη να τον πιάσουν ζωντανό.Πέφτουν πάνω του τα στίφη, σαν ακράτητα σκυλιά
και τον πάνε στο χαλίφη να του βάλει την θηλιά
μαύρο μέλι μαύρο γάλα ήπιε εκείνο το πρωί
πριν αφήσει στην κρεμάλα τη στερνή του την πνοή.Με δύο γέρικες καμήλες μ’ ένα κόκκινο φαρί
στου παράδεισου τις πύλες ο προφήτης καρτερεί.
πάνε τώρα χέρι χέρι κι είναι γύρω συννεφιά
μα της Δαμασκού τ’ αστέρι τους κρατούσε συντροφιά.Σ’ ένα μήνα σ’ ένα χρόνο βλέπουν μπρος τους τον Αλλάχ
που από τον ψηλό του θρόνο λέει στον άμυαλο Σεβάχ:
«νικημένο μου ξεφτέρι δεν αλλάζουν οι καιροί,
με φωτιά και με μαχαίρι πάντα ο κόσμος προχωρεί»Καληνύχτα Κεμάλ, αυτός ο κόσμος δε θα αλλάξει ποτέ
Καληνύχτα...
Lyrics: Nikos Ykatsos
Music: Manos Hatzidakis
First version: Aliki KayialoylouOther versions:
Vasilis Lekkas
Marios Fraykoulis
Maria Farantouri
Alkinoos Ioannidis
Manolis Mitsias
Savvina YiannatouHark to the story of Kemal
a young prince of the East
descendant of Sinbad the Sailor
who thought he could change the world.
But bitter is the will of Allah
and dark the souls of men.In the lands of the East once upon a time
the purse was empty and the water stale.
In Mosul* and Bushehr* on the old coconut tree
the children of the desert now cry bitter tears.And a young man of an old and royal line
hears the lament and grows near.
the Bedouins** look at him sadly
and he gives them an oath in Allah's name, that times will change.When the lords heard of the lad's fearlessness
they set out with wolf's teeth and lion's skin
from Tigris*** to Euphrates***, from the earth to the heavens
they hunt for the deserter, to capture him alive.The horde descends upon him like rabid dogs
and takes him to the Caliph to place the noose [on his neck]
black honey and black milk he drank that morning
before he breathed his last on the gallows.The Prophet**** awaits before the Gates of Heaven
with two elderly camels and a red horse.
They now go hand in hand and it's cloudy
but the star of Damascus kept them company.In a month and a year they see Allah before them
and from his high throne he says to the simple Sinbad:
"my beaten smart-aleck, times do not change,
the world always moves on by fire and blades"Goodnight Kemal, this world will never change.
Goodnight...- Read more...
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Adagio Character Gallery
The Adagio Character Gallery: http://m.imgur.com/a/AngUQ
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Ga Story Review: About Carl By Diogenes
Today Timothy M. reviews GA Author Diogenes' story, "About Carl" for our Gay Story Reviews blog site. He says, "The story takes you on the sad, but also beautiful and believable journey through Mark’s life..." Read more of his thoughts on the story in the review on GSR!
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Moive Review: Out Of Iraq
Watched this really amazing documentary on Netflix last night. I’m sometimes struck by how men who have spent so much time embedded in a war zone can afterward convey this sense of utter calm and inner peace even in the face of huge life obstacles. Nayyef conveys that sensibility in interview clips in this documentary, no matter whether his post-war life is despairing or joyful.
This documentary brings us an example of steadfast love between these two men through years of hardships. Although I was certainly aware of the taboo and dangers of homosexuality in Iraq, I didn’t realize until watching this film that the executions of gay men are largely carried out by civilians. As Btoo and Nayyef explain, there is no need for the government to act when civilians are all too ready to rid the country of the “problem.” All the government need do is nothing - do nothing to the executioners so as to allow the murders to continue.
The journey of these two men is quite extraordinary to watch and it is certainly touching to witness their reunion at the film’s end. It also put another real story to the impact and importance of the legalization of gay marriage. Although never pointed out in the film, because their commitment ceremony occurred in a natural timeline for them, the fact remains that it was only two months after marriage had been legalized in the U.S. What could be more like living a fairy tale than that to two boys who grew up gay in Iraq?
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Moving On
I found this site initially back in 2004. I'd read a story on Nifty and an author said new chapters would first be posted here. I didn't join until 8 years later in 2012. Must have had other things on my mind like college and guys. I was only a member about 4 months before I joined the staff. I've really enjoyed being a staff member and serving in a number of roles the last 4 years. I've met some amazing people, built lifelong friendships, shed many tears at the loss of beloved members, and hopefully helped countless members and authors enjoy their experience here.
Lately I've had a lot less time to spend on the site. I've been trying to get my life back together for years now. As many of you know I struggle with anxiety and depression, which has only gotten worse the last several years. It's far easier for me to sit at home and interact with a website, than to force myself to go out and enjoy life. I decided in November that it was time to step down as an administrator and time to get serious about my future. I gave myself almost two months to make sure that this was the right decision for me, so today I'm announcing publicly that I'm resigning as an administrator.
The other site administrators have been amazingly supportive of my decision. They've seen first hand my struggles over the years and have shown me nothing but love and support. I'm honored to call them friends. I'm not vanishing entirely from the site, but I'll no longer be involved in administration or moderation functions after today.
In closing, I'd like to quote JSmith's resignation letter from a few years ago. I read it again today and one line really stuck out to me: "It's been a great journey, but it's time for me to move on with my life and see what else awaits."
All the best to each of you. It's time for me to see what else is out there.
A.J.
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Giveaway! Paperback Of Help! My Lover's An Alien
*Posted With Permission*
Happy New Year Everyone
In the later part of 2016 I decided to self-publish my story Help! My Lover’s an Alien. I did a few corrections, and fixed a couple of consistency errors. Then, I added it to Amazon Paperback and Kindle (including KU) and as they wouldn’t let me post it for free I am giving all the money I receive from sales to a charity called Stonewall that supports LGBTQ youths in the UK and abroad. The current total is over £20 raised.
Please note, the story hasn’t been changed or expanded, this is not an ad trying to get you to buy anything.
But, I have a paperback copy of the book to giveaway to a GA member. I wanted to give something back to all the wonderful people on this site.
Here is a bit about the story –
Blurb:
Lor is an Elite Guard for his planet's ambassador, and they’re heading for Earth. He is not looking for his mate, but, when they arrive he finds him. What should he do? How does an alien court a human?
Dillon is a trainer for the military. All he wants is a man to love him for who he is. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Can two men from different species make a lasting relationship work?
**This is a story written for the Goodreads MM Romance Group, Love is an Open Road, DRitC Event**
As Amazon will not allow me to list this book for free all royalties will go to charities that support LBGT causes.
Additional Details.
Paperback: 154 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (25 Aug. 2016)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1523448911
ISBN-13: 978-1523448913
Product Dimensions: 15.2 x 1 x 22.9 cm
A special thanks go to:
Cannd – For her wonderfull beta reading
alishead – For her great editing, and for her patience in answering my questionsmost of which usually started with, why?
The Giveaway
All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning a paperback copy of this story is tell me:
What would you do if you met a real alien?
Terms and conditions
Entrants must be over eighteen due to book content.
Only one entry per person.
This competition is open worldwide.
You need to be willing to email me your address for me to send the book. Your details will not be used for any other purpose and will be deleted after receipt of the book is confirmed.
As already stated I have asked for and received permission from the site admin to post this contest.
The contest will end at midnight (GMT) Sunday 8th January 2017 and the winner will be announced on Monday 9th.
Thank you
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Hubs Pitches Me Another Story Idea
The previews before Moana included one for Monster Truck. It's a simple premise really--monster trucks, with real monsters in them. B figured if that's all it took to get a movie greenlit, he aught to make a go of it himself. I'm not going to discourage him. If they can make a kids' movie about tentacle monsters getting freaky with 4x4s, then who am I to judge?
But, I should have known how the drive home would go...
"Hey, I have another story idea for you--monster trucks that have real monsters in them. But they're also gay. You may need to work in some kind of hook for your audience. Maybe the drivers are all werewolves, who are also gay."
And if that wasn't bad enough....
"Remember that one weird story you were telling me about where the one guy has a hemipenes?* Well, some trucks have hemis, so...."
So, keep a lookout for my next story, Must Love Trucks, an m/m/t** tale about a cute little twink who struggles with his affections for a hunky truck-driving alpha werewolf and the monster under his hood. Vroom, vroom!
(Still trying to figure out how to work in that hemipenes, though.)
*Yes, there is a m/m shifter erotica in which the bottom has two cocks. Don't ask me how that works.
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Day In The Life Of Kibanaru File 1.1
I was in a great relationship for a number of years however it went from good to worse My Ex Saskue I will call him because he likes naruto I do as well. Any way back on topic. I was 16 he was 15 we were both in high school and we didn't notice each other till I told people I was bisexual, a few people know I am How ever to this day my family is the hard part. Any way we met At yughio I'm serious people who read this will think that's funny but ya that's how me and Saskue met Going on we started to hang out and it went from there his foster mom hated me lilatry we hid our relationship from her but she found out and issues arose and it went from there I always told her the truth I tried to be on her good side but he also lied to her about us as well, I guess that what made her not trust me I will never know for she passed away in 2014 I think I could be wrong. Also She refused to believe he was gay at the the time he was bisexual, a few years in to our relationship he then stated that. We lasted four full years then another four in the 11 years we have know each other The first four were fine with ups and downs but the last four just say bitter. I still have feelings for him but not as much as I did back when I was younger we came back into contact after not talking for a year or so - what's weird we have others since then but I recently got ill over the holidays and he cares still for me even though we put each other through hell and I mean that literally from fighting to stealing to blackmail Any way The fact is I still like him he made me feel safe and when others buillied me he stood up for me I haven't asked him since if he still has feelings for me but it's hard when two different personalities crash with each other. Since 2006 I've been in five different relationships and most of them could have turned out different. I want others to know don't take what you have before it's too late. As of 2012 I've been in a relationship based online and i don't know what to do with it. I love the guy I haven't met him but we have talked via Facebook n Skype plus texting as well He lives in the states while I live in Canada I don't know how to deal any more I want to met but money is issue for both of us I don't know any more I'm a guy that falls in love easy and easy to get along with. The reason I feel for Saskue is we had a lot in common isn't that what makes a relationship to work out My point is to those people who fall in love easy make sure you know what you are getting in to and hopefully the right guy
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Christmas Depression
I really didn't want to ruin anyone's festivities, so I thought I write it down. Be warned, I'm going to whine a little. Or a lot.
I'm really down today, all 3 kids are sick, I have a sinusitis and can't breathe at all through my nose.
My daughter (8yo) didn't want the presents she got. They pretend to get the gifts form the Baby Jesus, so I can't say, we would maybe buy something more expensive, but we can't afford it and we don't want to spoil them either.
Everybody is posting perfect pictures from the perfect family and the perfect dinner. I didn't manage to cook, we ordered all food, even the sweets.
I got a cool tool set from him, I like it very much. Very ladylike :-P
The gift for hubby didn't arrive on time, I had to improvise, I bought him socks. Can you imagine?
I'm depressed, I mean really, I checked twice that I took my meds, I quess tis the season for having a relapse :-(
Speaking of seasons:
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Skinny's Sorry
First, I’m sorry if I caused any trouble on GA. That was never my intention.
No one wants to read about another person’s illness, so I’ll make this brief.
Last Tuesday morning I went to our emergency room due to strong abdominal pains. After a scan, the ER doctor told me I have stage 4 pancreatic cancer; it had already spread to my abdomen wall and into my liver. I’m a realist, and there is only one prognosis – which is obvious. It’s just a matter of how long.The rest of the week was spent in a larger hospital on a ‘medical campus.’ During that time, I was mostly doped up and out of it. Only when I got home did my friends find and old laptop and connect it to our internet.
I check into the ‘cancer hospital’ of that medical campus on Wednesday morning for a final test and hopefully a realistic appraisal of how much time I have left. It’s the only question that means anything, yet is the one they don’t want to answer. I guess it interferes with their sales pitch or something.I always thought cancer was something I didn’t have to worry about until I was older, especially this one. But it seems when you’re younger it is more common for it to be discovered in late stages because your body is strong enough to hide any symptoms.
I can only write when I’m in pain. Then I take my knockout drop and fade away. This blog entry was written in Word, over five cycles so I could post it now.
Thanks for all the good wishes sent my way, and thank-you to AC, who takes friendships seriously. OK, that's all I can write right now.
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Latest Entry
All About Me (Just How I Like It) :)
My name is Valentine Davis. Even though I have been a member of Gay Authors since October I consider myself to be a rookie. I always believed that writing was the hardest part of being an author but actually writing a book isn't really that hard, the editing process is. It's also the most painful. You spend so long working on your baby and helping it grow and develop into this wonderful masterpiece and then people critique it and you go from
to 
.Even though I'm from Indiana (I'm currently living in Columbus, Indiana and I fucking hate it
) I've always felt that California was my real home. My mom and I moved in with my great uncles Brian and Butch (my real name is Brian and I am named after my uncle Brian) San Diego when I was three. My mom went to a community college there. When I was six we moved to Berkeley where she was a student at UC Berkeley. Scientist say that 3-6 is the age range where we develop the most-I could be wrong but if so I don't want to know because I'm a narcissist and don't like to be told I'm wrong-and I spent those years in California. It plays a huge part into who I am.It was in California at the age of six, that I started to learn how to write. I started writing about Scooby Doo and Dragon Ball Z (I had a crush on Gohan and Piccolo and which there was more fan fiction on them as a couple) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My mom would edit my stories for me and I would take them to school so happy. And of course it hurt my feelings that no one else gave a shit.
My mom and I moved back to the mid west when I was nine and my life has been a downward spiral since. One of my big dreams is to move back to California, particularly the Bay Area. When I was in the fourth grade I started reading Stephen King and Anne Rice. I once got into an argument with my fifth grade home room teacher for reading Queen of the Damned. She said it had a bad cuss word in the title. I was trying to explain to her that the word Damned in the title wasn't the same thing has cursing at someone when they make you made or taking the Lord's name in vain. I figured surely that she would understand being an English teacher and all, but she wasn't having it. So I'm also a book worm, so sue me.
I recently just published my novel Immortui: Volume 1 through Createspace, an online company through Amazon. For all of you authors on here it is a great company to publish your novel through. You can publish everything for free and do it yourself, even convert it to eBook format for free or you can pay for professional services. I did everything myself including the editing and cover so as you can imagine it's a little on the rough side. I'm hoping some day once I get some money I can make a revised edition.
Have a good evening y'all
Oh and one more thing, you can also find me on Goodreads and Facebook.
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Latest Entry
And The Band Played On . . .
A fairly effective film about the early days of AIDS from its discovery through the political machinations of its progress through the 1980s.
A story every young gay man and woman should know.
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Latest Entry
Back From The Aether
I apologize in advance for the length.
Those of you old, old timers will remember me. Who could forget me? When I joined GA in 2005, I had been lurking for months and posting as a guest (to think that this site once allowed guests to post in the forum). It took probably a year for me to "out" myself by saying that I was married and had been for almost 9 years. I was apparent to me and everyone I talked to about it that I was miserable. Not just because my sexuality (defined by fundamental desire and not ability to enjoy and perform sexual acts) was inconsistent with my being married to a female (the only legal choice for me at the time), but because my relationship with my wife was, well, crap. As time went on, her behavior toward me got worse (i'm putting a pleasant spin on this for reasons that will become clear) and our relationship fell apart.
The worst part of our relationship occurred when gainful employment lead us to move to Virginia. One day, I realized that it was quicker, easier, and cheaper to buy a hand gun and shoot yourself in the Commonwealth than it was to get counseling for severe depression. Being that I'm not stupid, and didn't really want to die, I took that as a sign that I needed meds and counseling. I got both. With the medicinal support and after talking it over with my counselor, I decided to separate from my wife (not legally, but I could barely stand to be in the same room with her). During the separation, we went to marriage counseling ... oh, I should point out that I still had not told my wife about my sexuality, but with events that had happened years earlier she absolutely knew that I wasn't "completely straight", but hell, she wasn't either. In addition to marriage counseling, her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Strange thing, when you know you are dying soon, you start confessing your 'sins' as a way of absolving your soul and clearing your feelings of guilt. Her mother informed her that, as a child, she was diagnosed with what would now be called high functioning autism. At the time, autism and anything that looked vaguely like autism was blamed on the parents, particularly the mother. Out of either shame or arrogant parenting her father focused on forcing her to "act normal" and her mother did everything she could to stay with her and try to teach her how to speak and act "normal".
Funny as it seems, this revelation made all of our communication problems make sense. In counseling we learned to change the way we talked with each other. It was different that the normal changes we had been working on for over a year. Conversations that would end in an argument became less confrontational as I stopped listening to what she was saying and focused on what it seemed she was trying to say. It was like taking active listening to the level of a farce. Ultimately, I decided to get back together. Bottom line, I have always loved her, and I always will. Often having someone smarter than you are provides mental stimulation that is more appealing than sex. Some people here were a bit upset (yet another understatement) that I made this decision. I had been an open book here, and many knew what I was going through.
Shortly after that, another job change occurred and we moved back to sunny California. Two months after moving back to CA I made the biggest mistake a closeted, married gay man can do. I forgot to clean the cache history on the browser after visiting this site. Not only did she see the site, but read enough of my posts to have the obvious, understandable, and not pleasant reaction. Was I brave? ... no, did I stand up for myself and put all the cards on the table? ... no. I simply walled off part of myself. Ultimately, I explained that almost all of what she read was written during the hard times of our separation and that she knew I wasn't "completely straight". Bottom line, I had a choice, GA or my marriage. I chose my marriage. I immediately went into disaster mode and deleted my entire blog and had the one anthology story I had written removed from the system. I changed my name and the password to this account as well as my login email account. I chose passwords that could only be described as strong by current standards, ones that I could not remember. I put the login info into a file and used the strongest encryption algorithm I could find to seal them away with a password I would remember. I won't burn a bridge, but I will wall off the entrance quite well.
Bottom line we worked it out. Yes, I would lurk here on occasion to read a few stories (I hope you get back to writing soon Mark), but for the most part, I moved on. From what we eventually learned was reactions to two different medications she was on, she ended up in ICU on at least 5 different occasions over a 5 year period ending about a year ago. She had multiple organ failure and 3 of those times involved sepsis. Two of the times she ended up on a ventilator for over a week. Once we identified the culprits (took a couple of years between them) with the help of some very dedicated doctors, the problems simply disappeared. In addition, her thinking had improved and she was coming back physically. After years of what I can only describe as constant fear (again, an understatement), we had hope and were planning on what to do with ourselves now that the medical stuff seemed mostly in the past. The years of medical hell had seen the birth of 3 granddaughters.
4 weeks ago she came to bed and 10 minutes later she woke up screaming and threw herself out of bed, curled up on the floor and said that her head hurt. She started vomiting and used those fateful words "I have the worst headache I have ever had". I called 911, I'd done it before. By the time the paramedics arrived, she had almost lost consciousness. Sadly, I had seen this before (other than the headache part), I had thought we were past this. Since I knew I would be gone for at least half the day, I walked the dog and then went to the ER. When I got there, the most awesome ER doctor I have ever met was treating her. He wanted to get a CT scan on her as soon as possible. As I have done in the past, I counted her pain medication before I left for the hospital, she hadn't taken any extra. I did, however, explain to the doctor her medical history and informed him that I always count her meds before coming to the ER. He was actually relieved that she had been intubated before because she wasn't stable to transport to the CT scan, he was afraid she would crash in the elevator. As he was putting in the orders for intubation she stated vomiting and began aspirating (again, not the first time). I have never seen the staff of an emergency room respond as fast as they did, except on TV. I quickly got my ass out of the curtain area and seated near the nursing station where I could watch, again, not my first rodeo. I knew she was in good hands and I was just upset that this was happening again with the full knowledge that all would probably be fine in the end.
The intubation went as well as could be expected and the xray showed proper placement. The problem was she wasn't oxygenating properly, her pulse was extremely high, and her blood pressure was, well, lets just say I had never heard of blood pressure being that high. While the doctor was concerned about the pulse and BP, he was more concerned about oxygenation. A quick blood gas showed she had too much carbon dioxide in her blood. Once they fixed that, her oxygenation was fine. As the doctor told me he expected, her BP and pulse started to fall. He sent her off for her CT scan and I went to get some food. The whole thing took 6 hours and it was morning and I needed food and coffee.
I had just finished my breakfast when I got a call from the doctor to come back to the ER. She had a massive cerebral hemorrhage, and the neurosurgeon had examined her, but she had "no signs of neurologic function". They couldn't tell me she was brain dead because that is a medical/legal diagnosis that requires much more formal examination and testing than they had done. What is simply meant is that the was no medical justification to perform emergency brain surgery because there was no sign that her brain was alive. Mark Arbour once called me a "fucking Vulcan". I'm a physicist because that is how my brain works. As I was processing what I was hearing, the doctor brought up the films of the current CT scan and one from 18 months ago. He showed me the comparison slice by slice of her current scan and the old one. All I can say is that having your skull fill with blood from a bleeding vessel does more obvious damage to one's brain than you can image. At that point I didn't need the medical/legal confirmation, I understood. She was dead.
The rest of the story is just me falling apart, agreeing to organ donation and hopefully she can save 4 other lives. The typical phone calls, cremation, Celebration of Life get together. More falling apart ...
Bottom line, promises I made no longer matter. GA was always a safe place to be, however my fucked up mind wanted to be. Although many of the people I know are gone, there are new people to take their place. The new people are, I'm sure, no less fun or supportive than the old ones. To the old ones who are still here ... I'm not quite the same as I was, and I never will be. I still don't know if I am honorable or an asshole, if I am giving or selfish, probably all of them, and more. All I know is that right now, it still hurts. I ignore it when it lets me, I wade through it and experience it when it wants me to. I'm not trying to direct my path through grief, but I'm not avoiding it either. In the end, I don't think you ever understand what love is until it is take away with no warning and nobody to blame.
Snow Dog
Dr. Mr. Snow Dog
Snowy
Snoop
whatever else people have called meP.S. I have been given permission by the appropriate authorities to have my deleted Anthology story republished as part of the special anthology. The sad part is, that it was written during the bad time of my marriage and I don't paint my wife in the best light (again, an understatement)
P.P.S. How fucking shameless to promote an Anthology story in a posting where you talk about your wife dying ...
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Latest Entry
Adagio: Music And Textures
Various Artists with textures by Brian Eno and the main theme by Samuel Barber
~~~~~~~~~~~- Adagio For Strings - Samuel Barber (Main Theme)
- Under Stars II – Brian Eno (Drifting through the Spirit World)
- In A Lifetime – Clannad (The Residual Haunting)
- Childhood – Michael Jackson (Christopher’s Lament)
- The Secret Place – Brian Eno (Horror in the Haunted Alley)
- The Bridge of Tears – Clannad (Christopher Meets Simon)
- Is There A Ghost? – Band of Horses (Father Malachi and the Little Boy Lost)
- Matta – Brian Eno (The Umbereth)
- To Wish For Impossible Things – The Cure (Christopher’s Haunting Moan)
- Wax and Wane – Cocteau Twins (The Book of the Damned)
- Signals – Brian Eno (Going to Church)
- Plainsong – The Cure (Fear of Angels)
- Ghosts – Japan (Existential Crisis of a Ghost)
- Hawks Do Not Share – The Devils (The Bloodstain)
- The Twilight Garden – The Cure (Daydreams of Heaven)
- At Night – The Cure (Detective Cummings and The Night Of…)
- 2 Late – The Cure (Simon’s Fateful Decision)
- One Hundred Years – The Cure (Spirit War)
- Tomorrow, Wendy – Concrete Blonde (Lies and then Someone You Love Dies)
- Cold – The Cure (The Darkening of Christopher)
- Under Stars II - Icebreaker (The Angel of Death)
- Prayer To A Guardian Angel – Patrick Hawes and Voices8 (Earning Your Wings)
- A Chain of Flowers – The Cure (Father Malachi Grieves)
- My Tears Are Becoming A Sea – M38 (A Guardian’s Work)
- The Funeral Party – Jesu (Requiem for the Beloved)
- The Ghost In You – Psychedelic Furs (Lovers in Spirit)
- To The Sky – The Cure (Going Into The Light)
- Agnus Dei (A choral refrain for Barber’s Adagio) – David Hill and the Westminster Choir (The Final Adagio)
~~~~~~~
1. Adagio For Strings - Samuel Barber (Main Theme)
~~~
Sorowful Overture
~~~
2. Under Stars II – Brian Eno (Drifting through the Spirit World)
~~~
Mysterious Ambient Texture and refrain for the mystery of the Spirit World
~~~
3. In A Lifetime – Clannad (The Residual Haunting)
~~~
Hard to tell
Or recognize a sign
To see me through
A warning sign
First the thunder
Satisfied, if the past it will not lie
Then the storm
Torn asunder
The future you and I get blown away
In the storm
In a lifetime
And as the rain it falls
Begin again, as the storm breaks through
Heavy in my heart
Believe the light in you
So the light shines in you
Without color, faded and worn
Torn asunder in the storm
Unless the sound has faded from your soul
Unless it disappears
First the thunder
Selfish storm
Then the storm
Hold on the inside
Torn asunder
One life
In the storm
In a lifetime
In a lifetime
~~~
4. Childhood – Michael Jackson (Christopher’s Lament)
~~~
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood
I've never known
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly
Before you judge me, try hard to love me
The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood?
~~~
5. The Secret Place – Brian Eno (Horror in the Haunted Alley)
~~~
Dark and chilling Ambient Texture
~~~
6. The Bridge of Tears – Clannad (Christopher Meets Simon)
~~~
Lyrics
The mist has cleared from Muckish Hill
Our parting coming nearer
The last embrace, the final touch
With nothing more to say
Nothing more to say
As silence fell around the bridge
Not a single word was spoken
A bitter breeze, a lonely stream
Echoed through the Glen
Echoed through the Glen
Droichead na ndeor
Agus droichead na gcaointe
Droichead na gcaointe
Agus droichead na ndeor
Memories fade with passing age
In forlorn hope we wait for
Distant hills still haunt us now
Until the end of time
Until the end of time
Droichead na ndeor
Agus droichead na gcaointe
Droichead na gcaointe
Agus droichead na ndeor
Droichead na ndeor
Agus droichead na gcaointe
Droichead na gcaointe
Agus droichead na ndeor
~~~
7. Is There A Ghost? – Band of Horses (Father Malachi and the Little Boy Lost)
~~~
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house
~~~
8. Matta – Brian Eno (The Umbereth)
~~~
Frighteningly dark ambient texture
~~~
9. To Wish For Impossible Things – The Cure (Christopher’s Haunting Moan)
~~~
Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill up the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end
Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end
It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That fills me with the hope to wish
Impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish
Is gone away
All I wish
Is gone away
All I wish
Is gone away
~~~
10. Wax and Wane – Cocteau Twins (The Book of the Damned)
~~~
Carrying prose
Broke my real friend
The devil bites dirty, we wax and we wane
The devil bites dirty, we wax and wane
Licking our wounds
The devil bites dirty
Reckoning we'll taste
We wax and we wane
The devil bite's dirty, we wax and wane
Caring is a bury gin shot
The devil bites dirty
Up to the wee wanes
Oh, we laugh in their faces
The devil bites dirty, we wax and wane
~~~
11. Signals – Brian Eno (Going to Church)
~~~
Ominous but slightly inspiring ambient texture
~~~
12. Plainsong – The Cure (Fear of Angels)
~~~
"i think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said
"and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the
world" you said "and it's so cold it's like the
cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
a second.
"i think i'm old and i'm in pain" you said
"and it's all running out like it's the end of the
world" you said "and it's so cold it's like the
cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
a second
sometimes you make me feel like i'm living at
the edge of the world like i'm living at the edge
of the world "it's just the way i smile" you said
~~~
13. Ghosts – Japan (Existential Crisis of a Ghost)
~~~
When the room is quiet
The daylight almost gone
It seems there's something I should know
Well I ought to leave but the rain it never stops
And I've no particular place to go
Just when I think I'm winning
When I've broken every door
The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before
Just when I thought I could not be stopped
When my chance came to be king
The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind
Well I'm feeling nervous
Now I find myself alone
The simple life's no longer there
Once I was so sure
Now the doubt inside my mind
Comes and goes but leads nowhere
Just when I think I'm winning
When I've broken every door
The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before
Just when I thought I could not be stopped
When my chance came to be king
The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind
~~~
14. Hawks Do Not Share – The Devils (The Bloodstain)
~~~
Dark eyes you've got new clothes
Please stay with me I love you
You are a dream believe me
We cut our hair
We go to bed
Sleep scented head
Now we know our promises were true & we know a burden has been shared
But Hawks don't share they gather in
Hawks don't share
Hawks don't share they gather in
Hawks don't share
Hawks don't share
No history to forget
Not fame & fortune to regret
We tried so hard to find the truth
Don't leave me here
Then I see your hands outstretched to me & I know the role I played was false
But Hawks don't share they gather in
Hawks don't share
Hawks don't share they gather in
Hawks don't share
Hawks don't share they gather in
Hawks don't share
Hawks don't share
Dark eyes you've got new clothes
Clothes Clothes
Clothes Clothes
Clothes Clothes
Clothes Clothes
~~~
15. The Twilight Garden – The Cure (Daydreams of Heaven)
~~~
I lift my lips from kissing you
To kiss the sky
Cloud soft and blue
And slow the sun melts down
Into your golden words for me
I lift my hands from touching you
To touch the wind that whispers through
This twilight garden
Turns into a world
Where dreams are real
No-one will ever take your place
I am lost in you
No-one will ever take your place
So in love with you
I lift my eyes from watching you
To watch the star rise shine onto
Your dreaming face and dreaming smile
You're dreaming worlds for me
I lift my lips from kissing you
And kiss the sky wide deepest blue
And slow the moon swims up
Into your golden words for me
No-one will ever take your place
I am lost in you
No-one will ever take your place
So in love with you
~~~
16. At Night – The Cure (Detective Cummings and The Night Of…)
~~~
Sunk deep in the night
I sink in the night
Standing alone underneath the sky
I feel the chill of ice
On my face
I watch the hours go by
The hours go by
You sleep
Sleep in a safe bed
Curled and protected
Protected from sight
Under a safe roof
Deep in your house
Unaware of the changes at night
At night
I hear the darkness breathe
I sense the quiet despair
Listen to the silence
At night
Someone has to be there
Someone has to be there
Someone must be there
~~~
17. 2 Late – The Cure (Simon’s Fateful Decision)
~~~Desperate Instrumental
~~~
18. One Hundred Years – The Cure (Spirit War)
~~~
It doesn't matter if we all die
Ambition in the back of a black car
In a high building there is so much to do
Going home time
A story on the radio
Something small falls out of your mouth
And we laugh
A prayer for something better
A prayer
For something better
Please love me
Meet my mother
But the fear takes hold
Creeping up the stairs in the dark
Waiting for the death blow
Waiting for the death blow
Waiting for the death blow
Stroking your hair as the patriots are shot
Fighting for freedom on the television
Sharing the world with slaughtered pigs
Have we got everything?
She struggles to get away
The pain
And the creeping feeling
A little black haired girl
Waiting for Saturday
The death of her father pushing her
Pushing her white face into the mirror
Aching inside me
And turn me round
Just like the old days
Just like the old days
Just like the old days
Just like the old days
Caressing an old man
And painting a lifeless face
Just a piece of new meat in a clean room
The soldiers close in under a yellow moon
All shadows and deliverance
Under a black flag
A hundred years of blood
Crimson
The ribbon tightens round my throat
I open my mouth
And my head bursts open
A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water
Thrashing in the water
Over and over
We die one after the other
Over and over
We die one after the other
One after the other
One after the other
One after the other
One after the other
It feels like a hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
One hundred years
~~~
19. Tomorrow, Wendy – Concrete Blonde (Lies and then Someone You Love Dies)
~~~
Lyrics
It is complete, now
Two ends of time are neatly tied
A one-way street
She's walking to end of the line
And there she meets
The faces she keeps in her heart and mind
They say, "Goodbye"
Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die
Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die
Underneath the chilly gray November sky
We can make believe that Kennedy is still alive
And we're shooting for the moon
And smiling Jack is driving by
And they say, "Good try"
Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
I told the priest
Don't count on any second coming
God got his ass kicked
The first time he came down here slumming
He had the balls to come
The gall to die and then forgive us
No, I don't wonder why
I wonder what he thought it would get us
Hey, hey, goodbye
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Hey, hey, good bye
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Only God says, "Jump"
So I set the time
'Cause if he ever saw her
It was through these eyes of mine
And if he ever suffered
It was me who did his crying
Hey, hey, goodbye
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
(Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die)
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
(Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die)
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Hey, hey, goodbye
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Hey, hey, goodbye
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
~~~
20. Cold – The Cure (The Darkening of Christopher)
~~~
Scarred
Your back was turned
Curled like an embryo
Take another face
You will be kissed again
I was cold as I mouthed the words
And crawled across the mirror
I wait
Await the next breath
Your name
Like ice into my heart
A shallow grave
A monument to the ruined age
Ice in my eyes
And eyes like ice don't move
Screaming at the moon
Another past time
Your name
Like ice into my heart
Everything as cold as life
Can no one save you?
Everything
As cold as silence
And you never say a word
Your name
Like ice into my heart
Your name
Like ice into my heart
~~~
21. Under Stars II - Icebreaker (The Angel of Death)
~~~
Master Refrain for the mystery of the Spirit World
22. Prayer To A Guardian Angel – Hawes and the Voices 8 (Earning Your Wings)
~~~Come in the night
Silent and still,
Angel of light
show the truth of love’s will.
Dark is my soul
And fearful my mind:
Help me the purest
and gentlest way find.
Come in the dawn
When all is lost,
Angel of comfort
Take hold of my hand.
Lift me, enfold me,
Help me to see
That all of your treasures
give power to break free.
Come in the noon
Of bright sunlit days;
Angel of joy
Give me right words to say.
Inspire my heart
with truth from above;
Renew my life in the healing
of perfect love.
~~~
23. A Chain of Flowers – The Cure (Father Malachi Grieves)
~~~
Please wake up
It's so dark and cold
Please wake up
I feel so alone
And I feel so scared
That you're going away
And I feel so scared
All I want is summer
Stories from before
Just like the time you tried to hide
Behind the churchyard wall
And fell asleep before I came
And found you in a chain of flowers
Sleeping like a marble boy
Sleeping in another world
I'll never tell you of all the different ways
Of all the different ways
You made me so afraid
You made me so afraid
Afraid...
Please wake up
It's so dark and cold
Please wake up
I feel so alone
And I feel so scared
That you're going away
And I feel so scared
I'll never tell you of all the different ways
Of all the different ways
You made me so afraid
~~~
24. My Tears Are Becoming A Sea – M38 (A Guardian’s Work)
~~~
I'm slowly drifting to you
The stars and the planets
Are calling me
A billion years away from you
I'm on my way
I'm On...
I'm On...
~~~
25. The Funeral Party – Jesu (Requiem for the Beloved)
~~~
Two pale figures
Ache in silence
Timeless
In the quiet ground
Side by side
In age and sadness
I watched
And acted wordlessly
As piece by piece
You performed your story
Moving through an unknown past
Dancing at the funeral party
Memories of children's dreams
Lie lifeless
Fading
Lifeless
Hand in hand with fear and shadows
Crying at the funeral party
I heard a song
And turned away
As piece by piece
You performed your story
Noiselessly across the floor
Dancing at the funeral party
~~~
26. The Ghost In You – Psychedelic Furs (Lovers in Spirit)
~~~
A man in my shoes runs a light
And all the papers lied tonight
But falling over you
Is the news of the day
Angels fall like rain
And love is all of Heaven away
Inside you the time moves
And he won't fade
The ghost in you
He don't fade
Inside you the time moves
And he won't fade
A race is on, I'm on your side
And hearing you my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
For running away
Stars come down in you
And love, you can't give it away
Inside you the time moves
And he won't fade
The ghost in you
He won't fade
Inside you the time moves
And he don't fade
Don't you go
It makes no sense
When all your talking supermen
Just take away the time
And get in the way
Ain't it just like rain
And love, is only heaven away
Inside you the time moves
And he won't fade
The ghost in you
He don't fade
Inside you the time moves
And he won't fade
~~~
27. To The Sky – The Cure (Going Into The Light)
~~~
One perfect morning
I was all alone
Listening to
The blaze of summer
Drifting, I was falling
I was floating in a golden haze
Breathing in the sky blue sounds
Of memories of other days
And in my dreams I was a child
Flowers in my mouth and in my eyes
And I was floating through the colors of a sky
Up to the stars and angels
Up, up, up to Heaven
Up, up, up forever
Up, up, up to Heaven
Up, up, up forever
Turning in my climb
I looked down on a lake
Traced upon the water
There I saw your face
Sang in recollection
Of the times we shared
Then pushed on ever upward
To the sky
And in my dreams I was a child
Flowers in my mouth and in my eyes
And I was floating through the colors of a sky
Up to the stars and angels
~~~
28. Agnus Dei (A choral refrain for Barber’s Adagio) – David Hill and the Westminster Choir (The Final Adagio)
~~~
The choir singing at the requiem mass for Simon and Christopher
Agnus dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Miserere nobis
Agnus dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Miserere nobis
Agnus dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Dona nobis pacem
~~~
~~~~~~~
Chris Rhodes
In Life- Read more...
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Latest Entry
More Word Painting With Added Sound
As a newly minted apprentice poet, welcome to the tools of my trade and no prizes for guessing which gets the most use ...
Anyway, here is another selection of verse with music as the theme.My continuing thanks to Parker Owens for his support and encouragement. All comments, crits and compliments are welcome.
Ancient
Borrowed, mortared
Timelessly rememb'ring
Conjuring forth darkness, tallows
Silent
Singing
Faith-shrouded shapes
Uninvited phantoms
Wend down bowed midnight stair into
My mind~
Nervous
Adrenalin
Alert heart pounds, mouth dries
Focussed blood pumps, muscles flex, just
For play~
Burnished
Pulsing tendrils
Swirl, coiling, massing in
Shadowed, columned spaces until
Metalled
Dark clouds
Cumulating
Release their sonorous
Load, felt deep within, almost
Unheard - 5
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I've Been Away For A Long Time...
In my last blog, I wrote about witnessing a young girl commit suicide in front of me by jumping in front of a train. I knew it affected me, but it did more damage than I thought. There are days when I don't dream about it, and those are the good days. I need to go back a few years to explain why my depression came on so slowly that I didn't realize I was depressed.
I had thyroid cancer almost ten years ago, which led to me having a complete thyroidectomy. I have to take a pill for the rest of my life, which acts as a replacement for my missing thyroid, or my body does crazy things. With this said, about a week after witnessing this young woman's death, I missed the occasional dose. Those occasional doses became a week or two here and there to me missing almost eight straight months. The decline in my brain was so gradual that I hadn't realize I lost interest in everything I loved like cooking, working out, and writing (to an extent). My own family didn't pick up on it! Then last summer happened. I didn't bathe or brush my teeth for the longest time. I can count on one hand the times I left the house to do anything recreational. I didn't even go to an amusement park pretending I had no money. It wasn't until I had to return to my seasonal job at a sports venue did I even leave the house on a regular basis.
Over the course of me being off my meds, I experienced excruciating pain in my hands and toes. I stayed in bed all day, gained weight, lost hair, and my teeth weakened, yet, I still didn't put the pieces together. Then one day this past February while at work, I experienced a weird coldness creep through my body and I could barely hold anything. I went to the EMT's on duty and had them check me out. Upon not being able to get an accurate read on my BP, they urged me to go to the hospital.
I agreed. It was at the hospital I learned that my BP was dangerously low and my TSH (thyroid-stimulating hormone) level was the lowest any health professional had ever seen. Upon asking me further questions, I explained about the suicide I'd witnessed, and how it affected me and my head space to take my pills every day.
After talking to someone they helped me see my depression was mainly due to me going off my meds, and not the young woman. I do feel better having been back on my meds steadily now for seven months! I still have my days but they're not as frequent as they had been.
I still wrote during my hazy head time. Looking back on what I wrote, I know for certain my head was wonky because not everything made sense. I've corrected them and hope to get back to writing on a daily basis, and update the chapters I have here on GA.
Sorry if this rambled on and doesn't make sense, I'm still working out the kinks.
Thank you! That is all!
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Latest Entry
Fun Story Nothing Serious Feel Free To Continue
As I doze out of bed still unaware of the time. I take a look at my alarm only to discover that it is 7:45 AM.
"Shit" I said to myself.
Swiftly change my pj to my student uniform.
No time to shower I thought. Dashing down the stair like a wild stallion try to step up my pace with a bread in my mouth () . I turn the doorknob and open the door only to discover that today is not a normal day .........- Read more...
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Latest Entry
Romance For The Rest Of Us
M. H. Sebastian's works are already selling all over the world including Canada, UK, France, Australia & Japan as well as such obscure places as the United Arab Emirates and South Africa. With three novels already released, you can view the works and planned future novels at www.mhsebastian.com. The website has a purchase page, pages for each novel's preface, author bio, reviews and a contact link that goes directly to the author. Should any member of "Gay Author's" like a complimentary copy of the first novel "BARSTOWE ~ A life with Aaron" simply make that request via the www.mhsebastian.com website and an electronic PDF copy will be email to you.
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Latest Entry
The Seashell Soundtrack
The Seashell:
~~~~~~~~~~
From the Brothertiger album 'Out of Touch' and 'The Pearl' by Brian Eno and Harold Bud.
1. The Pearl (The Cove)
2. Fall Apart (The Love Song of a Sea God)
3. Engulfed (Under the Wine Dark Sea)
4. A Stream With Bright Fish (Neptune and the Wonders of the Deep)
5. Upon Viridian Waters (The Rapture of Alexis)
6. Dark Eyed Sister (Aphrodite's Curse)
7. High Tide (To Lose and to Be Lost)
8. Beyond The Infinite (Eros' Counsel)
9. Lost In The Humming Air (Upon The Winds of Zephyrus)
10. Out Of Touch (Searching The Horizon)
11. Wake (Swept Out to Sea)
12. Drift (Guided by the Nereids)
13. Their Memories (Nerites and Alexis Touch Through Morpheus)
14. Jungle Floor (The Island of Pan)
15. Against The Sky (The Divine Discussion)
16. Grenada (Nerites' Choices)
17. Let Me See - Clannad (Alexis' Prayer)
18. Angel of the Sirens - Cinnamon Chasers (The Calling of the Seashell)
19. Locust Point (Alexis' Eyes Are Opened)
20. Still Return (The Blessings of Faith)
20. Song To The Siren - The Celtic Angels (The Sea and the Longing)
Lyrics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pearl (The Cove)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
Fall Apart (The Love Song of a Sea God)
---------------------------------------------------------
You, you came into this life
To see what you could find
You took me for a friend
Afraid, I know you feel this way
But I can’t seem to take
Your mind away from it
And I know that these things will fall apart
I’m growing from the very start
I finally see the place
Where you and I will make our final mark
Upon our interrupted hearts
And finally a flame erupts inside:
'Wait! Don't Go!'
And I feel the wave crashing down
I hear that solitary sound
And I feel the wave crashing down
All around, you were always on my mind...
(The Prince of the Sirens Sings)
Go, see it to it’s end
Make all your amends and tell me when it's over
Fade into the silent light
I feel it all the time
But you don’t recognize this world
I feel for you my Love
'I’m afraid of this world'
Fall away from the night
'Hey! Don't Go!'
And I feel the wave crashing down
I hear that solitary sound
And I feel the wave crashing down
All around, you were always on my mind (X1)
***
Engulfed (Under the Wine Dark Sea)
---------------------------------------------------------
Satin shadow
These eyes couldn’t capture
Forgetting myself
As the days are running faster
Connecting the edge
Of a life to another
Sending the echoes
Of an essence rediscovered
Calling out again
To the silence of the deep wood
Looking at the world through a new light
Following the fallen leaves
That drift along the water
I can hardly recognize
What I am on the inside
You could stay but I don’t care
Enough for anything in this life
These days I’m unaware of what
Is really deep inside
Faded, fallen
I’m engulfed in emotion
Your careless calling
Is alive with devotion
The sudden silence
Deviates from the steady sound
I’m flooded with defiance
As the echo races all around
Coming to the edge of the forest
In the deep wood
Looking at the world with a new light
Following the voices
That are drifting through the water
I can hardly recognize
What I am on the inside
You could stay but I don’t care
Enough for anything in this life
These days I’m unaware of what
Is really deep inside
***
A Stream With Bright Fish
(Poseidon and the Wonders of the Deep)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
Upon Viridian Waters (The Rapture of Alexis)
---------------------------------------------------------
We’ve gone so far beyond emotion
In daylight
Surrounded in my own mind
Against the cold night
***
Dark Eyed Sister (Aphrodite's Curse)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
High Tide (To Lose and To Be Lost)
---------------------------------------------------------
You run through the forest
Away from it all
You soak in the current
With your back to the wall
You swim through the tides
When the summer calls
You follow the sounds of
The waterfall
I follow to the edge
And I fall to the floor
I swim in circles
And I drift evermore
It seems I can’t remember
Who I was before
I’m floating in an ocean
That I can’t explore
But I can hang on to the surface
In flowing, oscillated time
My lungs are filling up with water
But I won’t sink to the void
I climbed to the top
Of the fiery wall
I swallowed my emotions
And embraced the fall
Exploring through the silence
Of the shadows call
I’m swimming through the current
And I feel it all
But I can hang on to the surface
In flowing, oscillated time
My lungs are filling up with water
But I won’t sink to the void
***
Lost In The Humming Air (Upon The Winds of Zephyrus)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
Beyond The Infinite (Eros' Counsel)
---------------------------------------------------------
Sinking to the floor
I found another life
Waking to the color
Fading I was rusted
Unrecognized
Molded to the others
Making a connection
To the other side
Thought I found a lover
Lost into ascension
To my blinded eyes
Calling for another
'Let go of your lying eyes
Lying eyes
Let go'
Hanging on to someone
That I recognized
Bright beyond the colors
Withered to the marrow
I realized
Nothing like the others
Falling through the floor
I came upon your eyes
Thought I found a lover
Searching evermore
I demoralized
Calling for another
'Let go of your lying eyes
Your Lying Eyes
Let go' (X)
***
Out Of Touch (Searching The Horizon)
---------------------------------------------------------
Midnight coming
I’m farther away than I used to be
Running down these city streets
Where the future beckons to me
We’ve got nothing
Written down in our history
Moving on two hearts agree
But you can call on me
On the horizon line
I see the form reflecting in time
In the blue-green light
There’s a movement all around me
I feel there’s something
Coming on this sudden breeze
Colors changing on the leaves
The scene’s got nothing on me
Drift from the softness
Drawing out this strange disease
Moving towards the deeper seas
The future’s calling to me
On the horizon line
I see the form reflecting in time
In the blue-green light
There’s a movement all around me
***
Wake (Swept Out To Sea)
---------------------------------------------------------
Time and again
I’m rushing to the end
I could never really figure you out
And when it comes to this
I’d rather reminisce
‘Cause reality is wearing me down
Open up your eyes to the sunlight
Breaking the dawn
When the night draws out
And my hopes are gone
This fire is still burning
Right into my bones
I don’t want to stick around this town anymore
The wake you form is surrounding us
The days are gone and we’re starting over
The wake you form is surrounding us
Drowning in the water
Filling me up
I open up my lungs
To breath I have begun
As I go between the night and the dawn
I calibrate the sun
And follow everyone
To find I’m barely hanging on
Open up your eyes to the summer night
Silent and warm
As the light endures like it did before
These tides are still turning
Right into the shore
I don’t want to stick around this town anymore
The wake you form is surrounding us
The days are gone and we’re starting over
The wake you form is surrounding us
Drowning in the water
Filling me up
***
Drift (Guided by the Nereids)
---------------------------------------------------------
Hallowed ghost
So suddenly I find
Wandering the night
Growing shadows on the floor
Falling through I have to look inside
Reflected on my eyes
There I see myself before
Child in the dark
Grows fond of all illumination
Emanating from the city light
Leading ever on
Towards the outskirts of this city
Where our pasts would reunite
Our pasts would reunite
I’m calling out
But I’m too far gone to see you
When the night falls
I drift into the chasm below
I know now
That I am still no different
From anything around me
I still implore
Following
The footprints left behind
Trailing through the times
Where we’ve gone through once before
She can open up my eyes
To deeper seas
Of distant memories
That I’m dying to explore
Child in the night
Moves forward to a new direction
Moving towards a new and distant light
Leading ever on
Towards the outskirts of this city
Where our pasts would reunite
Our pasts would reunite
***
Their Memories (Nerites and Alexis Touch Through Morpheus)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
Jungle Floor (The Island of Pan)
---------------------------------------------------------
(as written in The Second Jungle Book...)
One moment past our bodies cast
No shadow on the plain;
Now clear and black they stride our track,
And we run home again.
In morning-hush, each rock and bush
Stands hard, and high, and raw:
Then give the Call: "Good rest to all
That keep the Jungle Law!"
The dew is dried that drenched our hide,
Or washed about our way;
And where we drank, the puddled bank
Is crisping into clay.
The traitor Dark gives up each mark
Of stretched or hooded claw:
Then hear the Call: "Good rest to all
That keep the Jungle Law!"
***
Against The Sky (The Divine Discussion)
---------------------------------------------------------
Instrumental
***
Grenada (Nerites' Choices)
---------------------------------------------------------
Open up the doors into my mind
Fill me up with colors
So strong and refined
Go into the place that we call
A paradise
Where everything around you and I
Is alive
Falling through the memories to explore
I could not imagine what I was looking for
You, you’re just a presence of something
Before
Never mind the sadness you’re bound to
Adore
All again there is nothing wrong
I’m floating in the ocean for days
Hoping to find myself again
So I dive beneath the waves
Show me down the path you know is right
Now I’m just a traveler
Who’s lost in the night
I can’t tell the darkness
Apart from the light
Reaching for some substance
With all of my might
Running through the memories I explore
Struggling to imagine what I was looking for
Counting all the places where I stood
Before
Til I came upon you as I walked through
The door
All again there is nothing wrong
I’m floating in the ocean for days
Hoping to find myself again
So I dive beneath the waves
Save me, oh my will
Save me, ever still
Won’t you save me? Oh my will
***
Let Me See - Clannad (Alexis' Prayer)
---------------------------------------------------------
Let me see generation times
Will we hear children singing rhymes?
Sweet memories gone by, they're gone by
Let me be wiser with my eyes
Let me see my love by my side
Let me see heaven
Lonely years of searching the wilderness
How this world can lead us all astray
Don't let me cry over colourless pictures
No more bitter winds
No more troubled seas
Just forgive me and let me see
Let me see my love, let me see
Let me see my love, let me see
Let me see generation times
Will we hear children singing rhymes?
Sweet memories gone by, they're gone by
Let me be wiser with my eyes
Let me see my love by my side
Let me see heaven
Crossing the room, I recognize the child in me
I'll close my eyes to release away all my fears
We silence the rose to see it blossom back again
Step by step we walk on
Word by word we talk on
Just forgive me and let me see
Let me see generation times
Will we hear children singing rhymes?
Sweet memories gone by, they're gone by
Let me be wiser with my eyes
Let me see my love by my side
Let me see heaven
***
Angel of the Siren - The Cinnamon Chasers (The Calling of the Seashell)
___________________________________
Our dreams are old
Our friends are gone
And our story's been told
Just, carry on
A break in the clouds will guide us home
You look like an angel of the sirens
I, can't believe the wait has been so long
I feel like I've been burning bridges to stay with you
Friends and lovers have come and gone
We have just stood here alone
Although I'm pleased to be beside you
I'm, lonelier than I have ever known
And you look like an angel of the sirens
I can't believe the wait has been so long(The endless calling of the Seashell)
***
Locust Point – Brothertiger (Alexis’ Eyes are Opened)
---------------------------------------------------------
Inside of my own mind
I feel Him again
I opened up my young eyes
To the water's edge
I climbed up to the branches
To watch the flow
I saw Him, I saw Him far below!
So I reached out to the edge there
I felt the flow
I extended my own hand
To gather more
Then I felt the tremor,
I felt it on the inside!
I fell into the rubble
Fell into the daylight
But He took me back to the top
And I found myself again!
He took me back to the top
And I found myself whole!
I walked through the sun
Toward a voice so far away
In a silent wind
It drifts upon the waves
I reached out to the daylight
That fell upon my face
As I opened up my eyes
To a familiar place!
And He took me back to the top
And I found myself again!
He took me back to the top
And I found myself whole!
But he took me back to the top
And I found myself again!
He took me back to the top
And I found myself whole! (X)
***
Still Return (The First Blessing In Faith)
---------------------------------------------------------
(Mysterious and Inspiring Interlude)
The Song To The Siren - Celtic Angels (The Sea and the Longing)
___________________________________
Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle
And you sang
Sail to me
Sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am
Here I am
Waiting to hold youDid I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks,
For you sing, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow:
O my heart, O my heart shies from the sorrow"I am puzzled as the newborn child
I am troubled at the tide:
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Should I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing, "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you:
Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you"***
to 
.
) I've always felt that California was my real home. My mom and I moved in with my great uncles Brian and Butch (my real name is Brian and I am named after my uncle Brian) San Diego when I was three. My mom went to a community college there. When I was six we moved to Berkeley where she was a student at UC Berkeley. Scientist say that 3-6 is the age range where we develop the most-I could be wrong but if so I don't want to know because I'm a narcissist and don't like to be told I'm wrong-and I spent those years in California. It plays a huge part into who I am.
Anyway, here is another selection of verse with music as the theme.
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So, what happens IF we can't guess the author? Do they get a couple of additional questions? Or did we lose this round of the game?
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By Parker Owens · Posted
Im inclined at an 85 degree angle... oh, don’t mind me, I’m just being a math teacher.... -
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I'm inclined to believe it could be Parker ... trying to think who else is married with no pets. -
By Parker Owens · Posted
I am inclined to believe this could be Mikiesboy too. -
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I'm not sure but I'll take a stab in the dark, is it mikiesboy ?
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