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    March Classic Author Excerpt: Kombat Kids by GhostRyder15

    By Cia

    How's your schedule? Spring break looming for you? Or are you just looking to crash from all the harsh winter or summer weather and need a good reason to take a break? Well, once again we have another Classic Author feature to tickle your interest and catch your eye in case you missed this early author from GA's beginning days!    Kombat Kids is set in a place very familiar to me... the Pacific Northwest. Not far from the Columbia River, this is a region with a lot of rich plant-life, varied animals of all shapes and sizes, and so many outdoor activities you don't ever have to go inside if you don't want to! The perfect setting for this story. Add in the stellar snippet of the review from Myr on Monday's feature, which you can read here if you didn't see it, and I am happy to also get to share an excerpt of this story with you to showcase just what you're missing out on if you haven't read it yet. You can also download a copy of the graphic to add to your signature if you want to share how much you enjoyed the story!      To read more, click here. 
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Our community blogs

  1. Renee Stevens
    Latest Entry

    So much has happened in the last year. There's so much I wanted to do, that I never actually managed to accomplish. Of course, a lot of that pales in comparison to my biggest accomplishment yet...Baby J. We waited so long for him, and at times I still feel like maybe we're living in a dream, or that something is going to happen that will take it all away. I try my best not to focus on the negatives, but sometimes it's hard. Then I look at that little boy's smiling face, or hear his little giggle, and I realize that everything I didn't accomplish, doesn't matter. What matters is him, and my Husband, and our little family. What matters is making the most of every moment that we have together. It's been a rocky road getting to where we're at now, but in the end, it was all worth it. 

     

    I came to a realization this evening, as I was sitting here listening to the Hubby and Baby J sleep. I was looking at the themes for the anthologies this year and thought that just maybe, I could write something for it. It's been so long since I really did much writing at all. And I realized something. About the time I quit writing, really writing, was about the same time that I got diagnosed with Anxiety. That stupid A word that makes me think that every little twinge is something wrong. To be fair, many in my family have had health issues the last couple years, and not just minor ones. But that had happened before and I'd always been able to write through. I'd always been able to put my feelings to paper and it helped. Then a dang nurse at a doctor's office mentioned one word, and I saw something wrong with me around every corner. (Note to nurses: Don't tell a patient (all perfectly calmly) that their blood pressure is in stroke range and you'll just give it a moment and take it again. Nothing good comes from that, especially when less than five minutes later you take it again and go "Oh, it's a lot lower now, maybe it was a mistake". Maybe? MAYBE? You mean you don't know? You're talking about my damn life, woman!  GRRRRRR) I'm lucky in that I have a Husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to put my mind at ease, but sometimes I feel like it gets a bit ridiculous. And the more I looked at things, the more I realized that is when I stopped writing. I was so focused and worried about what MIGHT be wrong with me health wise, that it consumed me.

     

    I started with a new doctor, and at first things seemed good, up until I refused a medication that I read more bad than good about. Sure, it worked for people's anxiety, as long as they never tried to go off of it. And it wasn't even something that he thought for sure would work, but something that he just wanted to "try". Everything I read pointed to people being completely hooked after only a very very short round of dosages, even less than how long he wanted me to "try" them for. And these people had a nightmare of a time trying to come off of it, many of which never managed it). After talking about it with the Hubby, we both agreed that neither of us were comfortable with me being on that medication. My doctor's response was basically to tell me that he didn't know what else I wanted him to do then. Ummm... I don't know, maybe try and actually rule stuff out rather than blaming anxiety for EVERYTHING!  In the end, we THINK that some of the ER trips, EKG's, chest x-rays, and doctors appointments that I was told were just anxiety, were the beginnings of my gallstones. They hurt, but we're thinking the gallstones just weren't big enough to cause the excruciating pain that finally got the ER docs to do an ultrasound and find the stupid gallstones. Gallbladder removal, and surprise, no more than the occasional twinge that could be just about anything. 

     

    Fast forward to now. I've started going to a new doctor that is doing a really long blood panel to see if anything comes back. It's early days yet, but he has promised that he will NOT blame anxiety for things without ruling other issues out first. So we'll see how that works out.

     

    Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying that perhaps I need to look at things a little bit different now. I've always had some anxiety, but never as bad as it has been in the last couple years.  If what I now suspect is true, perhaps it was my writing that helped me to keep my anxiety in check. Could it be possible that by losing my writing, I lost that outlet that gave the anxiety free rein? If I could get back into writing, is it possible that I'd be focused enough on that and Baby J that the anxiety would take a back seat?

     

    I'm hoping to find out. Of course, there are no guarantees, but this year, I'm going to put forth a concerted effort to get back into my writing (most likely during Baby J's naps and after he goes to bed at night). It might just start out with short stories, or prompts, but writing was my escape for so long, and I think when I quit writing, I lost the part of me that was able to keep other things at bay (though I got something back too, in the form of Baby J). Anyway, this was all on my mind, so I thought I'd get it down while thinking about it.

     

    I hope to have something new to share soon!!!

  2. comicfan
    Latest Entry

    New year - same me but trying new ways.

     

    After a horrendous year last year I needed help and have been talking. Hard admitting one is only human. It also helps to hear or be reminded that there are two or more sides to any story, and while your choices are your own, sometimes the things leading up to it,and the choices others make after it you aren't responsible for.

     

    In other news I'm working on three projects. A story for the anthology using Seeon and the Waza family. A new chapter in my seer story. (I know I said it was done but sometimes your characters just don't want to be forgotten.) Finally I'm hoping to complete a 5 or 6 chapter story I'm calling Next Chapter. It is about a man forced to start over after being kept on the edges of everything.

     

    That's all for now.

  3. Hi all

    I have been full of work, so of course to escape that i decided to make a new suggestion. I will finally suggest a single book, and although to be honest the author did wrote a "kind of a series" around the same subject, Alexander The Great rise and rule, it can be a stand alone read. The Persian Boy by Mary Renault, tell as the story of a young boy that captured, made an eunuch and sold as a slave to the King of Persia. After Alexander conquering of the Persian Empire, he becomes Alexander servant and lover. I know many in the gay community might already know this book, but I decided to make it my suggestion because this was a book that always stayed in my mind. My parents have a considerable book selection and I read this book when I was a teenager in high school. I am not sure of the details anymore, I think at that time I already new I was gay, but before I found online fiction or GA, it was actually the first book I read that can be considered a gay story, and it was important for me at the time.

    Hope you guys enjoy it.

     

    image.png.05100dcfd446a6c1445927380aac3d4f.png

     

    PS: these entries don't have to be my suggestions only, you can leave another book suggestion of the featured category in the comments. :*)

     

  4. So as someone who listened to lots of noise from county, folk songs, to modern day stuff, through the seventies and eighties, I believe I have a solid understanding what it sounds like when you got somethin that cripples the peaceful surface of your soul and you love it. Yep that`s heavy metal, from Black Sabbath, Dio, DC, `Tallica, Maiden, Megadeth, Motorhead, Death, Sepultura, Rage against the machine, Soundgarden, Tyrant, Violent force, Overkill, Arch enemy, The scorpions, Slayer, even Marilyn Manson...ring a bell? Hahaha yeah The ultimate noise makers, I like a lot of a lot of genres, but what made the stereotype that all of em are satanists? Is it the lyrics? Or the harsh and beast like sounds? Or was it people like "I wish I could play like that..." ? Not saying that metal is all there is, but I`m kind of interested how it all became evil?

  5. It's been a hard Christmas for me in many ways, It's been the the first without my dad who was my best friend. But I was determined that even after all the tough times I've been through these past few months that I would honour the commitments that I made for the Christmas period, it's meant hard work but I have thoroughly enjoyed it and spent time with a lot of fantastic and interesting people.

     

    It's a simple question, tell us about the best Christmas present that you ever received and why it means so much to you. I'll start the ball rolling.

     

    I've had many 'best' Christmas presents, but one of them I got this year. Daft as it may sound to many it was a half a glass of wine and it means more to me that all of the expensive presents that I received. The reason is soppy but simple really.

     

    Ten of us worked hard, but we enjoyed it, we cooked six medium sized turkeys and four ham joints, prepared and cooked approximately fifty pounds of potatoes, twenty ponds each of broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and sprouts and a gallon of gravy. To follow that ten large Christmas puddings and a gallon of custard. We also made up nearly eighty small hampers each containing a few sandwiches, a couple of mince pies, a slice of Christmas cake and a few other little goodies. We fed as many people as we could yesterday, nothing was left over, some where homeless, some were lonely and some are on very low incomes. Those that could afford to left a small donation, all showed their appreciation by saying thank you, that in itself means a lot and all that we hoped for. But one small group of homeless people had chipped in and bought a bottle of wine to present to us, between ten of us we got about a half a glass each. We were all moved by this small but meaningful gesture from people that have so little. It means a lot to us as it was a gift from the heart, this made even more enjoyable.

     

    Please share with us what your best present was and why.

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    Recent Entries

    B7E90i8.jpg

     

    Music

     

     

     

     

    Track List

    1. Video Killed The Radio Star (Ben Folds Five Cover Of The Buggles) - General Theme
    2. Images Of Heaven (Peter Godwin) - Dream Out Of Reach
    3. Billboard (If I’m Honest) (Jacob Whitesides) - Taken For Granted
    4. Show You (Shawn Mendes) - Not Settling For Second Place
    5. He Likes Boys (Simone Battle) - Lori’s Deal
    6. All Eyes On You (St. Lucia) - Chance Encounters
    7. Shooting Stars (Bag Raiders) - Bridging The Gap
    8. Two Weeks (Grizzly Bear) - Return To Distance
    9. Dazed And Confused (Ruel) - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
    10. Take On Me (A-ha) - Risk and Reward
    11. Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney) - In Love With Your No. 1 Fan
    12. Midnight City (M83) - Dreaming While Awake
    13. Boys Just Want To Have Fun (Team Heartbreak) - Giggles and Gumdrops
    14. Tongue Tied (Geographer) - More Than A Memory
    15. Kiss The Boy (Keiynan Lonsdale) - Momentum
    16. Obvious (CHPTRS) - Something Better, Something Real (Jesse 101 Love Theme)
    17. Touch (Troye Sivan)  - Eight and A Half Minutes
    18. Who We Are (Tristan Prettyman) - The Madness and the Ache
    19. Internet Killed The Video Star (The Limousines) - Counter-Theme
    20. Obvious (Alternate Version) (CHPTRS) - Love Theme Reprise

    ————————————

     

    Video Killed The Radio Star (Ben Folds Five Cover Of The Buggles) - General Theme

     

    I heard you on the wireless back in fifty two

    Lying awake intent at tuning in on you

    If I was young it didn't stop you coming through

    Oh a oh

     

    They took the credit for your second symphony

    Rewritten by machine on new technology

    And now I understand the problems you can see

    Oh a oh

     

    I met your children

    Oh a oh

     

    What did you tell them?

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

     

    Pictures came and broke your heart

    Oh, a, a, a, oh

     

    And now we meet in an abandoned studio

    We hear the playback and it seems so long ago

    And you remember the jingles used to go

    Oh-a oh

     

    You were the first one

    Oh-a oh

     

    You were the last one

     

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone to far

    Oh-a-aho oh

    Oh-a-aho oh

     

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone too far

    Pictures came and broke your heart

    Put down the blame on VCR

     

    Oh, you are a radio star

    You are a radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

     

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

    Video killed the radio star

     

    Images Of Heaven (Peter Godwin) - Dream Out Of Reach

     

    Nothing is sacred

    So, give me your soul

    Nothing is wasted

    On someone like you

     

    Somebody killed me

    And tore out my heart, my love

    Somebody killed me

    Because of you

     

    And there's nothing I can do

    The media made you

    There's nothing I can do

    'cause you don't exist

    you don't exist

     

    Just images of heaven

    that take me to hell

    Images of heaven

    Of something to sell

    Images of heaven

    Images of heaven

     

    Something possessed me

    An image of you, my love

     

    Video visions

    That play on my mind

     

    Nobody blessed me

    With power to reach, my love

     

    When you're an illusion

    You can still be divine

     

    And nobody believes

    In this new religion

    Yeah nobody believes

    'cause nobody sees

    nobody sees

     

    Images of heaven

    Take me to hell

    Images of heaven

    of something to sell

    Images of heaven

    Images of heaven

     

    Images of heaven

    Images of heaven

     

    And there's nothing I can do

    The camera made you

    There's nothing I can do

    'Cause you don't exist

    You don't exist

     

    Just images of heaven

    that take me to hell

    Images of heaven

    Of something to sell

    Images of heaven

    Images of heaven

     

    Billboard (If I’m Honest) (Jacob Whitesides) - Taken For Granted

     

    Hello

    Where have you been?

    You're about to miss it all

    I would give anything to hear you call

    If I'm honest

     

    Sometimes

    It's all that I can do to keep my head up high

    I'm like a book with empty pages inside

    Cold wind blowing through the window shade

    I'm calling, what else can I say?

     

    I'm like a billboard in the sky

    How many times you passed me by-y-y

    You passed me by

    You're like a blinking neon light

    How many times I bought your lies

    Sometimes I wonder why

    If I'm honest

     

    My life

    It's not as easy as I make you think

    I close my eyes and I try not to blink

    If I'm honest

    Cold wind blowing through the window shade

    I'm falling faster each and every day

     

    I'm like a billboard in the sky

    How many times you passed me by-y-y

    You passed me by

    You're like a blinking neon light

    How many times I bought your lies

    Sometimes I wonder why

     

    Come back, come back

    Please don't leave me all alone

    Come back, come back

    I'm right here

    Come back, come back

    I'm willing if you are

     

    I'm like a billboard in the sky

    How many times you passed me by

    You passed me by

    You're like a blinking neon light

    How many times I bought your lies

    Sometimes I wonder why

     

    I'm like a billboard in the sky

    How many times you passed me by

    Passed me by

    You're like a blinking neon light

    How many times I bought your lies

    Sometimes I wonder why

    If I'm honest

     

    Show You (Shawn Mendes) - Not Settling For Second Place

     

    You can’t walk the streets at night

    You're way too short to get on this ride

    No I'm not, no I'm not, they're tryna tell me that I

    I gotta be home when the street lights glow?

    You can’t watch your TV show

    I will watch what I wanna watch

    No, won’t listen to you, do what I wanna do

     

    And I will walk this road ahead

    One hundred miles on my hands

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

    And if you don't believe me now

    I'll flip the whole world upside down

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

     

    Watch me swim across this lake

    Fly through the sky in my Superman cape

    Watch me walk across this wire

    Tip-toe through the coals of a blazing fire

    Watch me fly this kite in the rain

    I’ll jump rope with my ball and chain

    Come by and knock on my house of cards

    If it falls I'll rebuild it from the start

    I won’t listen to you, do what I wanna do

     

    And I will walk this road ahead

    One hundred miles on my hands

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

    And if you don't believe me now

    I'll flip the whole world upside down

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

     

    Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?

    Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out

    If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds

    I don’t know what you heard about, listen to me yell it loud

    Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?

    Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out

    If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds

    I don’t know what you heard about, see that door I'll knock it down

     

    And I will walk this road ahead

    One hundred miles on my hands

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

    And if you don't believe me now

    I'll flip the whole world upside down

    Do I need to show you?

    Guess I gotta show you

     

    Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?

    Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out

    If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds

    Do I need to show you? Guess I gotta show you

     

    He Likes Boys (Simone Battle) - Lori’s Deal

     

    Sexy hair, gorgeous smile

    He's the most perfect guy

    I've come across

    In a while

    Sensitive, real sweet

    He even watches Desperate Housewives

    With me

     

    My heart's beating like a mini drum

    I told my best friends he's the one

    I said I think that I'm in love this time

    They told me something that could change my mind

     

    He likes boys

    Finally now it's all making sense

    He likes boys

    I like this guy but he's on the fence

    He likes boys

    Can't believe this happened again

    He likes boys

    oh oh boys oh oh

     

    Manicured, finger tips

    He dresses like an American Apparel mannequin

    Guess it is kind of odd

    That he's a such a big fan of Lady Gaga

     

    My heart's beating like a mini drum

    I don't believe he will lead me on

    But now I'm startin' to see all the signs

    Is it true? Have I lost my mind?

     

    He likes boys

    Finally now it's all making sense

    He likes boys

    I like this guy but he's on the fence

    He likes boys

    Can't believe it's happened again

    He likes boys

    oh oh boys oh oh

     

    He likes boys

    Finally now it's all making sense

    He likes boys

    I like this guy but he's on the fence

    He likes boys

    Can't believe it's happened again

    He likes boys

    oh oh boys oh oh

     

    I don't think I could take

    This kind of rejection

    I guess it's time to take it in

    My gaydar needs some inspection

    I thought him an me

    Were the perfect we

    I guess I'll move on to plan B

    We both like vintage shopping

    and we both like

     

    Boys

    Finally now it's all making sense

    We like boys

    It's a love story with a twist

    We like boys

    I find a new gay best friend

    He likes boys

    oh oh boys oh oh boys

    We like boys

    Finally now it's all making sense

    We like boys

    It's a love story with a twist

    He likes boys

     

    All Eyes On You (St. Lucia) - Chance Encounters

     

    I will never take back

    The words that I said then

    I will always come back to you

     

    Even in the meantime

    I will always stand by

    A mirror on the shelf

     

    Call you in the nighttime

    Call you in the daytime

    Can't fess up to you

     

    'Cause I hope

    We will never have to take back

    What we said in the night

    I hope that I will always have

    All eyes on you

    Know that I will take what I can

    When you are there standing by

    Soft, spoken in the dead of night

    All eyes on you

     

    I will never take back

    The words that I said then

    I always knew I'd come back to you

     

    Even in the meantime

    I will always stand by

    A mirror on the shelf

     

    'Cause I hope

    We will never have to take back

    What we said in the night

    I hope that I will always have

    All eyes on you

    Know that I will take what I can

    When you are there standing by

    Soft, spoken in the dead of night

    All eyes on you

     

    I hope

    We will never have to take back

    What we said in the night

    I hope that I will always have

    All eyes on you

    Know that I will take what I can

    When you are there standing by

    Soft, spoken in the dead of night

    All eyes on you

    [x3]

     

    All eyes on you

    All eyes on you

     

    Shooting Stars (Bag Raiders) - Bridging The Gap

     

    It's late and I'm awake

    Staring at the wall

    Open up my window

    Head floats out the door

     

    No one else around

    The shimmer takes my eye

    I lift my head

    Blinded by the sky

     

    Feel my weight in front

    Following the sound

    Moves away so fast

    Fall down to the ground

     

    I know there's more to come

    Jump back to my feet

    Now I only see ahead of me

    Chasing down the street

     

    Gave my love to a Shooting Star

    But he moves so fast

    That I can't keep up

    I'm chasing

     

    I'm in love with a Shooting Star

    But he moves so fast

    When he falls then

    I'll be waiting

     

    Two Weeks (Grizzly Bear) - Return To Distance

     

    Save up all the days

    A routine malaise

    Just like yesterday

    I told you I would stay

     

    Would you always?

    Maybe sometimes?

    Make it easy?

    Take your time

     

    Think of all the ways

    Momentary phase

    Just like yesterday

    I told you I would stay

     

    Every time you try

    Quarter half a mile

    Just like yesterday

    I told you I would stay

     

    Would you always?

    Maybe sometimes?

    Make it easy?

    Take your time

     

    Would you always?

    Maybe sometimes?

    Make it easy?

    Take your time

     

    Always

    Sometimes

    Easy

    Time

     

    Dazed And Confused (Ruel) - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

     

    You came in swinging like Apollo

    I'll be feeling it tomorrow

    No, I ain't seeing straight, hyperventilate

    Knees begin to wobble

    You cut my brakes and hit the throttle

    I couldn't stop it if I wanted

    Dizzy silhouette, makes me break a sweat

    I'm in trouble

     

    Oh, I've been Dazed and Confused

    From the day I met you

    Yeah, I lost my head

    And I'd do it again

    Either I've seen the light

    Or I'm losing my mind

    There's something 'bout you

    That's got me dazed and confused

     

    Dazed

    Dazed and Confused

    Dazed

     

    I bet you know just what you're doing

    You're not the type that's used to losing

    First, you build me up, then with just a touch

    Leave me here in ruins

    Something 'bout your eyes

    I can't even walk in a straight line

    Under the influence

     

    Oh, I've been Dazed and Confused

    From the day I met you

    Yeah, I lost my head

    And I'd do it again

    Either I've seen the light

    Or I'm losing my mind

    There's something 'bout you

    That's got me Dazed and Confused

     

    Dazed

    Dazed and Confused

    Dazed

     

    I don't know if this is real life, real life

    What happens if I open my eyes, my eyes?

    Will I ever get my head right, head right?

    I don't know if this is real life, real life

     

    Oh, I've been dazed and confused

    From the day I met you

    Yeah, I lost my head

    And I'd do it again

    Either I've seen the light

    Or I'm losing my mind

    There's something 'bout you

    That's got me

     

    That's got me Dazed and Confused

    From the day I met you

    Yeah, I lost my head

    And I'd do it again

    Either I've seen the light

    Or I'm losing my mind

    There's something 'bout you

    That's got me Dazed and Confused

     

    Take On Me (A-ha) - Risk and Reward

     

    We're talking away,

    I don't know what

    I'm to say...

    I'll say it anyway:

    Today's another day to find you,

    Shying away.

    I'll be coming for your love, okay?

     

    Take on me (take on me)

    Take me on (take on me)

    I'll be gone,

    In a day or two.

     

    So, needless to say,

    I'm odds and ends.

    But I'll be,

    Stumbling away,

    Slowly learning that life is okay, though

    Say after me,

    "It's no better to be safe than sorry"

     

    Take on me (take on me)

    Take me on (take on me)

    I'll be gone,

    In a day or two.

     

    The things that you say,

    Oh, is it life, or

    Just to blame my worries away?

    You're all the things I've got to remember.

    You're shying away,

    I'll be coming for you anyway.

     

    Take on me (take on me)

    Take me on (take on me)

    I'll be gone,

    In a day or two.

     

    Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney) - In Love With Your No. 1 Fan

     

    [Intro:]

    I don't want another pretty face

    I don't want just anyone to hold

    I don't want my love to go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

     

    I know that you are something special

    To you I'd be always faithful

    I want to be what you always needed

    Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

     

    [Chorus:]

    I don't want another pretty face

    I don't want just anyone to hold

    I don't want my love to go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

    You're the one I wanna chase

    You're the one I wanna hold

    I won't let another minute go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

    Your beautiful soul, yeah

     

    You might need time to think it over

    But I'm just fine moving forward

    I'll ease your mind

    If you give me the chance

    I will never make you cry c'mon let's try

     

    [Chorus:]

    I don't want another pretty face

    I don't want just anyone to hold

    I don't want my love to go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

    You're the one I wanna chase

    You're the one I wanna hold

    I won't let another minute go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

     

    Am I crazy for wanting you?

    Maybe do you think you could want me too?

    I don't wanna waste your time

    Do you see things the way I do?

    I just wanna know that you feel it too

    There is nothing left to hide

     

    [Chorus:]

    I don't want another pretty face

    I don't want just anyone to hold

    I don't want my love to go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

    You're the one I wanna chase

    You're the one I wanna hold

    I won't let another minute go to waste

    I want you and your soul

     

    I don't want another pretty face

    I don't want just anyone to hold

    I don't want my love to go to waste

    I want you and your beautiful soul

     

    Ooooooo

    Beautiful soul, yeah

     

    Oooooo, yeah

    Your beautiful soul

    Yeah

     

    Midnight City (M83) - Dreaming While Awake

     

    Waiting in the car

    Waiting for a ride in the dark

    At night the night city grows

    Look at the horizon glow

     

    Waiting in the car

    Waiting for a ride in the dark

    Drinking in the lights

    Following the neon signs

     

    Waiting for a word

    Looking at the milky skyline

    The city is my church (city is my church)

    It wraps me in its blinding twilight

     

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for a ride in the dark

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

    Waiting in a car

    Waiting for the right time

     

    Boys Just Want To Have Fun (Team Heartbreak) - Giggles and Gumdrops

     

    (Funny take on Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)

     

    Tongue Tied (Grouplove) - More Than A Memory

     

    Take me to your best friend's house

    Go around this roundabout

    Oh yeah

    Take me to your best friend's house

    I loved you then and I love you now

    Oh yeah

     

    Don't take me tongue tied

    Don't wave no goodbye

    Don't...

    Right!

     

    Take me to your best friend's house

    Marmalade we're making out

    Oh yeah

    Take me to your best friend's house

    I loved you then and I love you now

     

    Don't take me tongue tied

    Don't wave no goodbye

    Don't...

    Right!

     

    One, two, three, four

    Don't leave me tongue tied

    Let's stay up all night

    I'll get real high

    Slumber party; pillow fight

    My eyes on your eyes

    Like Peter Pan up in the sky

    My best friend's house tonight

    Let's bump the beats till beddy-bye

     

    Don't take me tongue tied

    Don't wave no goodbye

    Don't take me tongue tied

    Don't kiss me goodnight

    Don't...

     

    Take me to your best friend's house

    Go around this roundabout

    Oh yeah

    Take me to your best friend's house

    I loved you then and I love you now

     

    [2x]

    Don't leave me tongue tied

    Don't wave no goodbye

    Don't leave me tongue tied

    Don't...

     

    Kiss The Boy (Keiynan Lonsdale) - Momentum

     

    I've been afraid of my place

    Of this way

    Of my feelings

    But I'm amazed at how we talk

    It's so chill

    But there's tension

    What was the deal when your eyes locked on me

    What was the deal when you smiled at me like that

    You see I try to be cool

    But the problem is

     

    You messing my emotions up

    My air gets stuck

    I'm scared to show just how I feel 'cause people talk

    Don't want to worry 'bout whatever

    Just got to know your deal

    See, half the time I'm wondering if this is real

    Why not say something's on my mind if I feel love

    But when the moment's right I freeze

    That's how I know my heart is his

     

    If you want to kiss the boy

    Then you better kiss the boy right now

    You ain't got to be afraid

    Of the words you want to say right now

    'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud

    So if you wanna

    Then you better kiss the boy

    Oh, you better kiss the boy right now

     

    Give into love

    Give into love

    Give it the time

    Give it the time

    If it's all a movie

    Then you'll see

    It's only about us two

    But the cost of trust is that you could throw it away

    Maybe it's overrated

    I probably shouldn't chase it

    But I can't stop the crazy within

     

    You messing my emotions up

    My head gets stuck

    I'm scared to show just how I feel 'cause people talk

    Don't want to worry 'bout whatever

    Just got to know your deal

    See, half the time I'm wondering if this is real

    I might not say the one thing on my mind

    'Cause it's too tough

    But we lose our chance when we don't try

    On second thought

    Yeah, I think I might

     

    So if you want to kiss the boy

    Then you better kiss the boy right now

    (right now, right now)

    You ain't got to be afraid

    Of the words you want to say right now

    'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud

    So if you wanna

    Then you better kiss the boy

    Oh, you better kiss the boy right now

     

    Don't want to hide

    Don't want to hide

    Most of my life I've been terrified

    Spending my days always questioning

    Am I wrong to love a man

    I realized

    I realized

    Ain't gotta hide this heart of mine

    I'm gonna fight just to let you know

    To open your light and let it glow

     

    So if you want to kiss the boy

    Then you better kiss the boy right now

    (Oh, yeah)

    You ain't gotta be afraid

    Of the words you want to say right now

    (You gotta say it baby)

    'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud

    (We deserve our love)

    So if you want to play

    Then you better kiss the boy

    Oh, you better kiss the boy right now

     

    If you want to kiss the boy

    Then you better kiss the boy right now

     

    Obvious (CHPTRS) - Something Better, Something Real

     

    Don’t tell me to calm down.

    Look all around us here

    Fall.  It’s easy to see from down here

    If I’m not swinging then the war is won

     

    Caught beforehand

    falling forward

    All in front of us

    Light bestowed

    the heavens open

    Was it obvious?

     

    Isn’t it obvious?

    You were right in front of me

    with the answer

    with the answer

     

    Sign on the dotted line  

    in the hands of authority now

    All that’s left now is time

     

     

    Touch (Troye Sivan)  - Eight and A Half Minutes

     

    Glow is low and it's dimming

    And the silence is ringing

    And I can almost feel your breath

    I can almost feel the rest

     

    Night is young and we're living

    Hands move, moving steady

    And the time is moving slower

    I can feel we're getting closer, closer

     

    Standing in the eye of the storm

    My eyes start to roam

    To the curl of your lips

    In the center of eclipse

    In total darkness I, I reach out and touch

     

    My mind's gone on racing

    On a horse that's escaping

    And I'm ready to jump,

    Yeah, I'm ready to swim

     

    Life is chances that are taken

    But nothing's ever broken

    They're just pieces on the ground

    New hands need to build them

     

    My mind's gone on running

    My hands cut loose

    Yeah, but there's no need for answers

    Just the things you gotta do

     

    And I need you to trust

    That I'm lost and we must

    Get past all these rules

    We must choose

    To reach out and touch

     

    Standing in the eye of the storm

    My eyes start to roam

    To the curl of your lips

    In the center of eclipse

    In total darkness I, reach out and...

     

    Standing in the eye of the storm

    My eyes start to roam

    To the curl of your lips

    In the center of eclipse

    In total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch

     

    Who We Are (Tristan Prettyman) - The Madness and the Ache

     

    I would grant all your wishes

    If you promised me a thousand kisses

    I will never, love another, like you

    So give me all your secrets

    your fear and doubts, honey you don’t need them

    I will never, find another, like you

    And the airs getting thin

    Where the wings meet the wind

    We see it, we can feel it and we know this

    I believe in something more

    all the days that came before

    led us right to where we are

    right to where we are

    it’s all written in the stars

    we’ve already come so far

    and we can’t change who we are

    ah ah who we are

    ohhhhhhhh who we are

    ohhhhhhhh who we are

    I don’t have all the answers

    but right now is all the matters

    I could never, love another, like I loved you

    And we don’t have to understand

    fate always has the upper hand

    and fate choose me and you

     

    Internet Killed The Video Star (The Limousines) - Counter-Theme

     

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    I try to tell them, "Hey, that drum machine ain't got no soul"

    But they don't want to listen, no

    They think they've heard it all

    They trade those guitars in for drum machines and disco balls

     

    We can't rewind now; we've gone too far

    Internet killed the video star

     

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

     

    You know we never listen; we think we've seen it all

    Like everything we're doing, no one's ever done before

    Did you hear what they said?

    That rock and roll is dead?

    Yeah, it's like a zombie: it will dig itself back up again

     

    Tune in the signal but it's fading

    Some ghost strumming his guitar on the radio

    Singing, "Oh, the glory days are gone

    But everything's okay, 'cause we still love our sex and drugs

    Just like the good ol' days"

     

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

     

    Well, I'm a horrible dancer; I ain't gonna lie

    But I'll be damned if that means that I ain't gonna try

    Yeah, I'm a shitty romancer, baby; I ain't gonna lie

    But I'll be damned if that means that I ain't gonna try

    Get up, get up, get up, and dance

    Get up, get up, get up, and dance

     

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

    The kids are disco-dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul

     

    The kids are disco dancing

    They're tired of rock and roll

    They're tired of rock and roll

    They're tired of rock and roll

     

    We can't rewind now; we've gone too far, oh

    The Internet killed the video star

    The Internet killed the video star

    The Internet killed the video star

     

    Obvious (Alternate Version) (CHPTRS) - Love Theme Reprise

     

    Love-in till fade-out.

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    Recent Entries

    Giorge Leedy
    Latest Entry

    I did a lot of research over the years trying to find the cheapest place in the world to live. The cheapest I found was about $500 dollars a month in Vietnam. I had no clue what the cost of living would be in the Philippines when I moved here last February. To my surprise, it is only about $200 dollars a month for a small home and everything I need, including the most important thing; the internet.

     

    I left my job in New York City for several reasons, but the most important one was because I had no retirement plan and needed to start getting serious about my future. So I quit my job and cut off all ties to my paycheck addiction.

     

    Having been here for 10 months, my small savings is about depleted. Facing the real possibility of going broke is scary, but I am not focused on that. I’m focused on succeeding and believe I will, as I have no other choice.

     

    It is said that one of the best ways to motivate oneself to succeed is to cut off all ties to plan B. That is what I did and now I will see if that was a super smart thing to do or extremely foolish.

     

    In moving to the Philippines, my plan was to start an online business here, which I have just begun. Now, I not only need to start earning money to continue surviving, but to move on to my next big adventure; Sicily. My plan is to move to Palermo, where I spent a month 5 years ago. While there, I dated several guys and had a really great time even though I could not speak their language.

     

    Starting a business can be a fairly quick and easy thing to do. But being a creative person who is married to my talents, I could never start just any business. I had to create my business from within- bringing my talents as a writer and artist to life. So while I could have started any business as soon as I got to the Philippines, I have been busy- up to now- creating.

     

    I only recently finished and published my novel, TO BE HIS LIFE - When A Straight Man Strays. The toughest part to get just right was the first interactions and sexual encounters between the main character, Mikey Lane, and the straight guy, Cole Landry. To fully evolve those scenes and Cole's character, I had to write Cole's character using a straight friend I know and love dearly. Once I did that, Cole's character and scenes evolved into what they needed to be. Since doing that, I have made it a rule to always use a real person I know in writing every character and scene, even if it is a minor character- like a waitress. Having done this in this novel, I have created some of the story’s best scenes in the most unlikely places with the most minor characters.

     

    While creating my products to sell took me a long time, that is not the hardest part of starting a business. The hardest part is marketing. I have been doing a lot of studying lately on this to get myself up to speed, but I am still lacking. I wish I had studied marketing long ago. It is something everyone who wants to start a business should do first, as it is what ultimately determines ones success or failure.

     

    I have also done a lot of studying on the law of attraction; aiming to better manifest the things I want to achieve in my life. But I have found some of these teachings problematic. One is that I don’t hear enough teachers telling people to try. Instead, they tell people they must absolutely believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that something is going to happen in order for them to manifest it. That is total bullshit. One of the biggest reasons people fail is because they never try. To succeed, you have to try. I am a high achiever and some of my greatest successes have resulted from facing my fears and doubts and trying to achieve the most difficult things regardless of how impossible they seemed.   

     

    Trying to succeed despite my fears is what I am busy doing right now. Not having enough money to buy a ticket out of the Philippines, I have every reason to be afraid. My back is up against the wall. There is no plan B. This is it. I have to start making money or else.

  6. Carlos Hazday
    Latest Entry

    Twenty years ago today, on December 1, 1998, the Miami-Dade County Commission approved the addition of sexual orientation to the county’s human rights ordinance. The battle many had fought over the past year culminated in victory. A temporary achievement since the hateful Christian Coalition worked to place the decision on the ballot the following year. They lost.

     

    For over a year, I helped increase awareness, raise money, conduct outreach, lobby politicians, debate homophobes, and granted countless interviews to the media. I was called vile names by those professing their Christianity often enough my dislike for the religion became permanent. To this day, any mention of Christian values makes me frown.

     

    On that fateful morning, my boyfriend and I awoke in darkness and were in front of the Commission chambers by sunrise. With hateful chants as background, I spoke to National Public Radio, The New York Times, the Voice of America, Armed Forces Radio, and who knows how many more outlets in both English and Spanish. My fifteen minutes of fame thanks to the marketing people thinking I spoke well and came across as a level-headed individual. Ha! Seeing my name on the front page of the Times and listening to the NPR report the following morning was a thrill. I still have the newspaper and a cassette of the radio show.

     

    However, the most wonderful part of the experience was working with the men and women who made the day’s events possible. Maybe it was not on par with the promise made by the signers of the Declaration of Independence to “mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our Sacred Honor,” but to me it was close. The time and financial commitment made by many propelled us to victory.

     

    Liebe Gadinsky stands out amongst all. The mother of two and her husband became friends, and although we rarely communicate these days, I will treasure the time I spent with them for as long as I live. Liebe and Seth were proof that the fight for our humanity was not limited to GLBT community members, but encompassed caring individuals who felt discrimination was unjust.

     

    Many of you dislike and dismiss political involvement, I read the comments often enough when I posted a story revolving around a presidential campaign. As an aside, my involvement back then influenced much of what I wrote in that book. I would like you all to remember that without drag queens fighting in front of the Stonewall Inn in 1969 or volunteers canvassing throughout Miami in 1998, most of us would be hiding in the back of a closet too scared to live. Go out, give money, volunteer, make phone calls, write letters; do whatever it takes to elect individuals who will not treat us as second-class citizens.

     

    It was the experience of a lifetime and I am grateful I was part of such a momentous event. My participation also allowed me to keep a promise I made when the Anita Bryant-backed forces led to the overturn of a similar ordinance in 1977. I swore that if the issue arose again, I would not remain quiet. I am glad I did not.

     

    I’ll close with Margaret Mead’s words: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has”

     

     

     

    https://www.nytimes.com/1998/12/02/us/2-decades-on-miami-endorses-gay-rights.html

     

  7. TetRefine
    Latest Entry

    I had probably the most enjoyable Thanksgiving ever last week. For the first time I didn't spend it with family, and instead did it with friends. I wish I had figured out how much more enjoyable it was doing it this way sooner, but better late then never. My boyfriend lives in New York, so Tuesday after work I hopped on a train up there to spend my Thanksgiving break with him. He had to bring his mom to the airport that night, so I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and we had dinner and drinks. Meeting up with someone you haven't seen in awhile is so much fun. You have so much to talk about, and can just go on and on catching up with each other. We hung out for almost four hours before finally saying goodbye. My boyfriend took off Wednesday, and we went exploring around some potential neighborhoods I could live in when I move there. That night we went to a house party of these two daddies who have this beautiful apartment in Hell's Kitchen, then went to a drag show at Therapy. While I'm not a big fan of drag, it was fun just getting drunk and hanging out with a group of people. Thursday morning I was supposed to take the train out to Long Island for thanksgiving with family, but was really dreading going. I love my family, but put all together at once they can be a lot to handle.

     

    Them: Oh you're gay?

    Me: Yeah.

    Them: Well you're still having kids right??

    Me: No.

    Them: Well you're still young, you'll change your mind eventually!

    Me: Okay. 

     

    As I was about to leave for Penn Station, I checked the Long Island Rail Road app for service advisories. If I believed in a god, I would say he granted me a miracle. There was a downed power line at one of the stations and it was causing huge delays and cancellations throughout the whole system. It gave me the perfect excuse to stay in the city. So instead, I plus-oned with my boyfriend to a friends-giving on the Upper West Side. It was cool because they live half a block from Central Park West, which is right where the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade goes through, so we watched a bit of the parade until it got too cold. It was the first time I'd ever seen the parade in person. We spent the next nine hours all just getting drunk, eating tons of food, gossiping, and just enjoying a big 'ole gay thanksgiving. It was an interesting mix of guys too. You had guys in their 60s all the way down to guys like us in our 20s. You had millionaire tech executives (the guy who hosted it all) to a guy who is a professional escort, to everyone in-between. I've been spending more and more weekends up in New York, and every time it gets harder and more depressing to go back home.

     

    I guess life here has changed a lot recently, and mostly not for the better. My roommate and best friend moved out of state, and she was a big source of support in my life. Another very close friend of mine got a new job and moved to Germany with his boyfriend. He has been my closest gay friend and party buddy since we met 3 years ago. With him gone, that has left a big social void too. I used to go out every weekend, and now I've only been out here in the city once in the last two months (and that was for his going-away party). To make matters worse, another close friend of mine moved with his boyfriend out to the far-flung suburbs and doesn't come into the city much anymore. He was probably my first real gay friend that I met back in college, and we've stayed close since. So I now have no close friends left around me on a daily basis, and not much of a social life to be had here anymore because of it. Because I know that I am moving next year and also because I'm so busy with other stuff, I've stopped investing much into my life here in Philly. I'm not really trying to make new friends, I'm not getting involved in anything outside of what I already am, and am instead putting that energy into making connections, both professionally and personally, in New York. I just don't see a reason to start over again here when I know I'm going to leave. I see investing in the future as a better option. That being said, I'm a bit sad at losing so much of what I had of my life here. I love this city with all my heart, and it gave me a great start in life. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I've come out in one piece.

     

    I'm also entering the final stretch of grad school, and the workload has absolutely skyrocketed. I'm routinely putting in 60 hours a week between work and school. Because I don't have much of a life here anymore, I've started falling into the workaholic mode again, which makes me low-level depressed. In a way it works, because I have so much that needs to get done and get done right that being able to focus like I do is important. In the next six months, I need to finish up all my remaining classes, take the New York State licensing tests (multiple ones), and then begin applying and interviewing for public school teaching jobs in New York City, which is a feat unto itself. If even the littlest piece has a crack, it throws off the entire plan. I'm such a nervous wreck right now because trying to balance all this for the next six months is exhausting and there's still so much time left to go. I am so motivated though. The one dream I've always had was to live in New York, and now I'll finally have the earning power to afford a good life there. My boyfriend lives there, and I definitely see long-term potential for us. 

     

    I'm of the attitude right now that this phase is just the challenge before the prize. If it all goes according to plan, I'll have the life I always dreamed of when I was a closeted 16 year old kid growing up in a depressing small town. I'm hoping it'll make the moment it all comes together that much more satisfying. Until then, I just gotta suck it up and push through. 

  8. Howdy y'all! :hug:  These last few weeks have been busy for me, to say the least.

     

    Without further ado, let's begin!

     

    PHYS 2425: In Week 11, we finished up on waves. My professor went over sound waves, the Doppler Effect, and finally the superposition of waves. In Week 12, we began new material, this time on Temperature. We learned about four different temperature scales: Celsius, Fahrenheit, Kelvin, and Rankine. We then learned how the raising and lowering of temperatures can affect the shape of objects, whether they are solids, liquids, or gases. Speaking of that last phase, my professor also went over the Ideal Gas Law. (And no, @Headstall, it's not how many 'pffts' a day are ideal. :P ) Anyways, Week 12 was also Exam Week for Physics. And... it was difficult. The median score for that exam was 58%. Well over half my class failed the third exam. And honestly, I am surprised that I didn't fail this exam, but it's not worth celebrating given how so few actually passed. Next, we have Week 13, this was Thanksgiving Week, so it would be a short one for classes. The College was open as usual on Monday and Tuesday, and closed at noon on Wednesday. So, in Physics, on Monday, we learned about Heat. And that's it for lectures this week. Wednesday morning, instead of the usual lecture, my professor held an Ask Me Anything for his classes. It was not mandatory, so students could choose to attend or not. I attended and it was really interesting. We ended up asking him about black holes, dark energy and dark matter. And, it just shows that is PhD was well deserved.

     

    MATH 2414: Week 11 was basically a review on what we learned since Exam 1, because Exam 2 was coming up. My teacher told us that this exam would be long, so it wouldn't be held during class, but would be taken in the Testing Center, which gives us as much time as we need to finish it. And as it turned out, it took me four hours to finish the second exam. Week 12 is when thing got interesting. We learned about the Indeterminate Form of the Limit, which led us to learning about L'Hopital's Rule. Basically, Indeterminate Forms are limits equal things like 0/0 or infinity over infinity. L'Hopital's rule simply state's that the limit (as x approaches c) of f(x)/g(x) is equal to the the limit (as x approaches c) of f'(x)/g'(x). In short, if you take the derivative of the numerator and of the denominator, you can find the limit that isn't in an indeterminate form. Next, we learned about Improper integrals, and how to use the limit to solve them. Then, in Week 12 things got really interesting. We learned about infinite sequences. And then, Week 13 came along... @Parker Owens Can you guess what we learned next?

    Spoiler

    Series

     

    These next few weeks are gonna be fun! :D 

     

    ENGR 1201: During Week 11, we prepared for an Exam on Universal Units. (Can y'all see the pattern here?) Then in Week 12, we took the exam and I got an A on it! Finally, on Monday of Week 13, we went to a computer lab to work on a computer program called MATLAB. Apparently it does things better than a graphing calculator so I was intrigued. But... the computers wouldn't work as they were supposed to. So, those plans were scrapped. Instead, she had us work on our design projects.

     

    Question: In regards to Physics, on Exam 1, the median score was 66, on Exam 2 it was 69, and on Exam 3 it was 58. The teacher has the responsibility to teach the material and the student has the responsibility to study that material. The question is, who has greater responsibility, the teacher or the student? Or do they bear equal responsibility. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

     

    Finally: I'm now registered for Spring 2019. I'll be taking the following classes:

    • Principles of Physics II
    • Calculus III
    • Differential Equations
    • Engineering Mechanics I (Statics)

     

    I'm looking forward to next semester!

  9. .

    Thanksgiving and the Adhesion Among Men

     

     

    @Parker Owens brought a certain song to my attention yesterday. I did a little digging on The Vacant Chair and learned a thing or two. Although the lyrics portray a Civil War family mourning the loss of a beloved son, the poem was actually written in tribute to love. Henry Stevenson Washburn was 48 years old when he met and watched 18-year-old John William Grout lead a charge and die in the Battle of Ball’s Bluff. The young lieutenant must have meant a great deal to the poet, and since the death occurred near the time of Thanksgiving, he imagined himself as a loved one gathered around the table with the rest of the dead boy’s family.

     

    This is the poem he wrote in tribute.

     

     

    The Vacant Chair

     

     

    We shall meet but we shall miss him.

    There will be one vacant chair.

    We shall linger to caress him,

    While we breathe our ev'ning prayer.

    When a year ago we gathered,

    Joy was in his mild blue eye.

    But a golden cord is severed.

    And our hopes in ruin lie.

     

    We shall meet, but we shall miss him.

    There will be one vacant chair.

    We will linger to caress him,

    When we breathe our ev'ning prayer.

     

    At our fireside, sad and lonely,

    Often will the bosom swell,

    At remembrance of the story,

    How our noble Willie fell.

    How he strove to bear our banner,

    Thro' the thickest of the fight,

    And uphold our country's honor

    In the strength of manhood's might.

     

    We shall meet, but we shall miss him.

    There will be one vacant chair.

    We will linger to caress him,

    When we breathe our ev'ning prayer.

     

    Lt.-J.-W.-Grout.jpg

     

    Composer George Root set it to music and moved the entire nation, both North and South. Here is a straightforward, but emotionally charged recording of the song.

     

     

     

     

    By the end of the war, and the carnage wrought by the murder of the president, Washburn and Root’s song took on national significance at Thanksgiving time.

     

    Walt Whitman memorialized the slain war hero like this:

     

    O how shall I warble myself for the dead one there I loved?

    And how shall I deck my song for the large sweet soul that has gone?

    And what shall my perfume be for the grave of him I love?

     

    Sea-winds blown from east and west,

    Blown from the Eastern sea and blown from the Western sea, till there on the prairies meeting,

    These and with these and the breath of my chant,

    I'll perfume the grave of him I love.

     

    2015spring_a-pilgrims-journey_1920x1080.

     

    And so I bid you all a happy Thanksgiving, and feel it’s appropriate to remember those who made this day about family and love.

     

    _

  10. mollyhousemouse
    Latest Entry

     

    It’s Thanksgiving here in the US.  A day when many people see family they rarely get to, (or have to) spend time with.  A day that seems devoted to overeating, over drinking, and over-indulgences of other kinds rather than being thankful.  It’s a day when we see pictures like Rockwell’s Thanksgiving classic “Freedom From Want” or the dinner scene from Charlie Brown’s thanksgiving and we feel all nostalgic.  Those of us, who grew up here, recall the stories of the Pilgrim’s and their celebration of a successful harvest. There is much more involved in this, of course there is.  Isn’t there always? One of my favorite people here at GA, AC Benus, recently re-posted a great blog he wrote about this holiday. (https://gayauthors.org/blogs/entry/14069-the-first-thanksgiving-and-the-second-and-the-third…-with-a-recipe/

     

    But, i digress.  My little family, just the 5 of us, will celebrate quietly as we always do.  Growing up, it was required that we kids be dressed up, and on our best behavior because 'what would everyone think' if we didn't.  This was how all holidays with my family of origin were.  It was stifling. That tradition carried over to when we were grown with children of our own.  When we broke away, it was decided that holidays would be quiet, relaxed, no pressure, family days.  Yes, i make a turkey, rolls, gravy, but not in any great amounts. We vote on it each year, “What do we want to do this year?”  We’ll probably all be in sweats, track pants, and slippers. There will be laughter, dogs barking, and siblings teasing each other almost to tears.  There will be parades, football, maybe a movie, and naps.

     

     

    And there will be a moment, after i have all the food on the table (which is something that brings me great joy) where we will stand and look at each other and we will say, from the heart, things that we are grateful for.  For many years, this has brought me to tears. It touches me deeply to hear the kids saying

    meaningful things about their lives and about each other.

     

    This year, i’m thankful for my Husband, and that He cares for me as He does. i’m grateful that my health has improved. i’m so very thankful for all of you i know well. I’m thankful for those of you i call family, and for those of you i’ve just met.  As well, i’m very grateful for the acceptance that i have found, and that others have found here.

     

    And so, I’m going to ask, what are you thankful for?  

     

     

     

  11. I haven't been around much, but then, over the course of the last year, I haven't really done much in the way of writing. Most day, I feel like as soon as I get started i'm too tired to keep going and when I read what I wrote it reads like gibberish to me. For awhile there, I started to think that I shouldn't bother anymore, but then story ideas started flowing on to storyboards around my office, and I decided to leave the cork boards up to see if anything got done. Ech, it's slow, but something is trying to emerge. its funny, because some days I will have all these ideas and inspiration, but the get up and go dies right out of the gate and meh, its easier to sit in my easy chair beside my dog and watch tv instead of create something. I probably need to get out more and most likely rambling here, but a few weeks back I remembered how much I used to look forward to popping in here, hanging out on the chat and in the forums and interacting with people, and kicked myself for letting time get so far away from me. This whole year has felt like it's slipped away, or maybe it was just the meds I've been on making things seem out of sorts, I don't know i'm still trying to figure that part out. anyway, I'm back, put up a new story, fingers crossed I finish it. If anyone wanted to read anything else I've done that's not here, you can find it under Layla Dorine, there's some novels and stories and stuff out there. Happy reading. Drop me a line and say hi if you'd like, I need to crawl back out of my shell again. 

     

    The Places You Enter

     

     

    Tell me what you fear

    And I’ll tell you what I am

    What you are

    what is coming

    Prophesy

    My white eye sees death

    My green one the depth of your shriveled soul

    I walk paths of cobblestone

    Footsteps splashing puddles

    tracing echoes of memory

    Shattered by cawing  crows

    Black wings tipped with red

    Fluttering

    Falling without souls to curry

    No words to carry on

    I ride nightmares in a distant holler

    Searching for a place to hide

    To change

    grow

    shifting

    Evolving

    You know you can’t destroy me

    Killing what I am

    Would be killing what you’ll be

    When it all crashes to an end

    Enter

    Hold the door

    what you gain

    may be less

    than what you leave behind

     

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    Recent Entries

    Puppilull
    Latest Entry

    Frost: Hot and Cold Book 2 by [Nilsson, Märit]

     

    https://www.amazon.com/Frost-Hot-Cold-Book-2-ebook/dp/B07KCJC838/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

     

    Well, even if I live at the edge of the world and snow is right around the corner, that is not what I'm talking about. No, believe it or not, Frost is now available at Amazon. I still can't believe my books are out there in the real world. 

     

    Thank you all again for all your support and kind words!

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    Warrior1
    Latest Entry

    I have been on very high antidepressant for a long time. My mental health deteriorated so much that it was unavoidable. The problem with these ‘happy pills’ is that, though they can safely curb your depression to a great extent, they can effectively turn you into a zombie. I literally lost my ability to feel any kind of deep emotions. Life became numb, with no ups and no downs. For a moment, I had to actually wonder if the emotion center of my brain actually got irreversibly damaged. Until, that is, I met you.



    I didn’t want to come to class, but when you sat beside me and my eyes fell upon your face, I was so glad I did. Something shook inside me. Not only did I feel the emotions I thought I’d lost, but I felt them more strongly than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just your perfectly sculpted face (though I am as shallow as any other gay man, so yes, your beautifully handsome face made the first impression on me). It was your cheerful mannerism, your friendly gestures, your kind attitude … and so much that can’t be explained in words (or things even I couldn’t figure out). When you smiled, your nose used to wrinkle in an adorable way – a sight that is etched on my mind. I can’t forget how you used to keep sit for me, or ask me to keep one for you. I can’t forget how you once went to the front of the class on our sir’s insistence that one of us has to sit at the front of the column, and you chose to sacrifice for me. I cried thinking of you that day, and I still get teary eyed when I see your faced in my Facebook.

    But then you slowly drifted apart. Was it my own fault? I started ‘hearting’ your photos on Facebook against my better judgement. You felt uneasy about my approach, I assume, and you started ignoring me. When we met, you were cordial, but not the same warm person you once were to me. And I understand. It was my fault. How can I be so flamboyant in my love? I treaded on your personal ground, I made you – presumably a straight man – uncomfortable in my overt expression of my love.

    I deactivated my Facebook a long, long time ago, and kept it that way longer than I’d expected. But some dormant feeling inside me wanted to see you. I just wanted to see your playful eyes and that radiant smile one last time. And what a cruel surprise did I get when I opened your profile! You got married, to a girl just as beautiful as you. Maybe some good did come out of it. I swear I will not stalk you anymore because I know you are already taken. Good bye my love. I hope you all the best in your new life. May your life not be like mine. I hope you found what you were looking for in her, and you have a blessed life ahead. That’s all that matters to me.

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    Mancunian
    Latest Entry

    I feel that I need to apologise to many of the members on here, especially those that befriended me after the loss of my father @cognac69, and offer an explanation of certain actions that were taken without my knowledge or consent.

    I have decided to live in and take ownership of my father's apartment following the breakdown of a relationship.

    As some may know my father had befriended and took under his wing a young man who had many problems in his life. I had started to grow close to Josh, but it appears that he didn't feel the same bond with me that he felt with my father. The loss of my father appears to have hit him as hard, or harder than it hit me. 

    I came home one night expecting to find Josh either surfing the net or playing on Ps4, we had been talking about him moving into the spare room here. What I found has shocked and upset me greatly and can never forget. There was a printed letter addressed to me in front of the computer. I won't go into detail about the contents of the letter, but Josh told me a lot about what he'd gone through in his life and how it affected him, including his struggles with his mental health. He also told me of his feelings for my father and how strong those feelings were, I'm not sure if it was hero worship or infatuation, but knowing him at least a little I'm giving his feelings the respect they deserve. Josh told me that he had fallen in love with my father and had hoped for a future relationship with him, and now felt that he had no future. Josh had accessed both mine and my father's accounts here and made changes including deleting my father's stories and my previous blog entries. I found Josh in bed after he had taken an overdose of sleeping pills. 

    Josh's family refused to acknowledge him in the same way that they had before he passed away. I made all the arrangements that were possible and his ashes are now with those of my father.

    I don't want anyone to think badly of Josh, he had enough to deal with in life, dealing with grief was one thing too many.

    I apologise to all of you who have read and commented on my father's stories or wanted to read them, and to those who read and responded to my previous blogs. I am hoping to get this rectified and will be contacting @Cia to ask for help in restoring them. I also apologise for the delay in coming on to take action regarding this, I hope that you will understand that none of this has been easy for me and I will be doing all in my power to rectify things.

     

  12. NlpvnTX.jpg

     

     

    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Track List

     

    1. After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Solitudes) - Overture
    2. Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower)  - Mysterious Colby’s Theme
    3. At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind
    4. When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again
    5. I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search
    6. Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time
    7. Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’
    8. Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?
    9. Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness
    10. The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes
    11. Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song
    12. Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars
    13. Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell
    14. I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed
    15. Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?
    16. You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night
    17. Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre
    18. Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder
    19. I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal
    20. You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise

    ————————————

    After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Soliturdes) - Overture

     

    Gentle Overture For A Gentle Western Evening

     

    Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower)  - Mysterious Colby’s Theme

     

    I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger

    Traveling through this world below

    There is no sickness, no toil, nor danger

    In that bright land to which I go

     

    I'm going there to see my Father

    And all my loved ones who've gone on

    I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

     

    I know dark clouds will gather 'round me

    I know my way is hard and steep

    But beauteous fields arise before me

    Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep

     

    I'm going there to see my Father

    He said he'd meet me when I come

    So, I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

    I'm just going over Jordan

    I'm just going over home

     

    At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind

     

    Throw it down, look away

    Don't be scared, it's okay

    Settle down, set it right

    Don't be scared, its alright

     

    When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again

     

    Don't it hurt so bad

    When you're standin’ in the sun

    In the bottom of your heart

    You don't love no one

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    What a way to live

    Back of your class

    End of the line

    Always last

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    See the moon

    See the stars

    From your lonely seat

    In your lonely cars

     

    You can be oh so mean

    I just can't see, no in between

    You know what the sun's all about

    When the lights go out

     

    I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search

     

    Like the wondering ghost for a harbor

    Like the ground beneath the snow for springtime

    Like the believer for something to believe in

    Like the drifting castaway for shoreline

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I burned out my eyes on the horizon

    Sunups in the east and sundowns in the west

    I watched them all for just one reason

    Sun came up or down, I couldn’t care less

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    I waited for you

    All the way through

    All the way down the line

    I waited for you

     

    Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time

     

    I don’t believe in an interventionist God

    But I know, darling, that you do

    But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him

    Not to intervene when it came to you

    Not to touch a hair on your head

    To leave you as you are

    And if He felt He had to direct you

    Then direct you into my arms

     

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

    And I don’t believe in the existence of angels

    But looking at you I wonder if that’s true

    But if I did I would summon them together

    And ask them to watch over you

    To each burn a candle for you

    To make bright and clear your path

    And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love

    And guide you into my arms

     

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

    But I believe in Love

    And I know that you do too

    And I believe in some kind of path

    That we can walk down, me and you

    So keep your candles burning

    And make her journey bright and pure

    That she will keep returning

     

    Always and evermore

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms, O Lord

    Into my arms

     

     

    Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’

     

    Nothin' 'round here to me that's sacred

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Nothin' 'round here to me that matters

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    You're the one that reaches me

    You're the one that I admire

    Every time we meet together

    I feel like I'm on fire

    Nothin' matters to me

    And there is nothin' I desire

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Nothin' 'round here I care to try for

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Got nothin' here to live or die for

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    As a kid I'd hear it

    In the churches all the time

    Make me feel so good inside

    So peaceful, so sublime

    Now nothin' does remind me

    Of that old familiar chime

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Used to run in the cemetery

    Dance and run and sing when I was a child

    And it never seemed strange

    Now I just pass mournfully by

    That place where the bones of life are piled

    I know something has changed

    I'm a stranger here and no one sees me

    'Cept you, yeah you

     

    Nothin' anymore seems to please me

    'Cept you, yeah you

    Your love hypnotizes me

    It holds me in its spell

    Everything runs by me

    Just like water from a well

    Everybody wants my attention

    Everybody's got something to sell

    'Cept you, yeah you

    I'm in love with you

     

    I'm in love with you

     

    Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?

     

    There is a house in New Orleans

    Where you woke from a coma and they bit your cheek

    And they cleaned you out when you went to sleep

     

    Oh, I just wanna change your mind

    I just wanna change your mind

    And it might become right away

    It might become till the day I'm done

     

    And I saw it as the house caught fire

    And I saw it when the thief got brave

    It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard

    And it's comin' over me in waves

     

    But you're haunted by the morning sun

    You keep digging till the night is over

     

    I ain't no doctor, babe

    I ain't no doctor, son

    But I'll cool your fever till the doctor comes

    It's a miracle, babe, but it ain't no fun

     

    I just wanna change your mind

    I just wanna change your mind

    It might become right away

    It might become till the day I'm done

     

    And I saw it as the house caught fire

    And I saw it when the thief got brave

    It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard

    And it's comin' over me in waves

     

    But it's not here now

    It's the chance of it I hate

    It's a hundred thousand miles off

    Comin' closer every day

     

    Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness

     

    Oh Abraham would raise his hands;

    and mourn this very day;

    for his children left the promise land;

    in search of their own way.

     

    They kick and scream like wayward sons;

    And always wanting to sleep;

    and dream away these evil days;

    in hopes that God can't see.

     

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Your suffering will come again;

    and never fall away.

    For we trade our many comforts;

    Like the ones who bled for grace.

     

    There will come a day my God will come;

    and put me in my place.

    My God I pray;

    You'll call my name;

    instead of turn away.

     

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

    There are chains upon your children Lord;

    Chains upon your children.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus.

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of the Lord.

     

    I said, Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus.

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of God.

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    Do you hear the lion roar?

    (Awake O Sleeper)

    Stand with me we'll fight the war.

    (Awake O Sleeper)

     

    (Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of Jesus;

    Let no man bring me harm;

    I bear the marks of the Lord.)

     

    The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes

     

    "And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

    One of the four beasts saying,

    'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"

     

    There's a man goin' 'round takin' names

    And he decides who to free and who to blame

    Everybody won't be treated all the same

    There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down

    When the man comes around

     

    The hairs on your arm will stand up

    At the terror in each sip and in each sup

    Will you partake of that last offered cup

    Or disappear into the potter's ground?

    When the man comes around

     

    Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

    One hundred million angels singin'

    Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

    Voices callin', voices cryin'

    Some are born and some are dyin'

    It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

    And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    The virgins are all trimming their wicks

    The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

     

    Till Armageddon no shalam, no shalom

    Then the father hen will call his chickens home

    The wise man will bow down before the throne

    And at his feet, they'll cast their golden crowns

    When the man comes around

     

    Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

    Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

    Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

    Listen to the words long written down

    When the man comes around

     

    Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

    One hundred million angels singin'

    Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

    Voices callin', voices cryin'

    Some are born and some are dyin'

    It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

    And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

    The virgins are all trimming their wicks

    The whirlwind is in the thorn trees

    It's hard for thee to kick against the prick

    In measured hundredweight and penny pound

    When the man comes around

     

    "And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

    And I looked, and behold a pale horse

    And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"

     

    Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song

     

    When its twilight on the trail and I jog along

    The world is like a dream and the ripple of a stream is my song.

     

    When its twilight in the trail and I rest once more

    My ceiling is the sky and the grass in which I lie is my floor.

     

    Never, never have a nickel in my jeans

    Never ever have a debt to pay

    Still, I understand what real contentment mean

    Guess I was born that way

     

    When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still

    Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill

     

    Guess I was born that way

     

    When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still

    Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill

     

    When its twilight on the trail.

     

    Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars

     

    Beside a singing mountain stream

    Where the willow grew

     

    Where the silver leaf of maple

    Sparkled in the morning dew

    I braided twigs of willows

    Made a string of buckeye beads

    But flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    I leaned against a bark of birch

    And I breathed the honeydew

    I saw a North-bound flock of geese

    Against a sky of baby blue

    Beside the lily pads

    I carved a whistle from a reed

    Mother Nature's quite a lady

    But you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    A cardinal sang just for me

    And I thanked him for the song

    Then the sun went slowly down the west

    And I had to move along

    These were some of the things

    On which my mind and spirit feed

    But flesh and blood need flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    So when this day was ended

    I was still not satisfied

    For I knew everything I touched

    Would wither and would die

    And love is all that will remain

    And grow from all these seeds

    Mother Nature's quite a lady

    But you're the one I need

    Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

    And you're the one I need

     

    Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell

     

    There's a reckoning a'comin'

    It burns beyond the grave

    There's lead inside my belly

    'Cause my soul has lost its way

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    With the hounds of hell coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name

     

    Not a spell gonna be broken

    With a potion or a priest

    When you're cursed you're always hoping

    That a prophet would be grieved

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    Can't you see I'm sorry?

    I will make it worth your while

    Made of dead man's money

    You can see it in my smile

     

    Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?

    Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    And the whole wide world's coming after you

    I got blood, I got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I got blood, I got blood, blood on my name

     

    It won't be long

    'Til I'm dead and gone

    It won't be long

    'Til I'm dead and gone

    Watch the fires rise

    Burn through my skin

    Down to the bone

    Scorching my soul

    Nowhere to run

    Nowhere to run

    Nowhere to run

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    With the hounds of hell coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires are consuming you

    And your sacred stars won't be guiding you

    I've got blood, I've got blood on my name

     

    When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you

    And the whole wide world's coming after you

    I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name

     

    I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed

     

    Well, you're my friend

    And can you see

    Many times we've been out drinking

    Many times we've shared our thoughts

    But did you ever, ever notice

    The kind of thoughts I got?

    Well, you know I have a love

    A love for everyone I know

    And you know I have a drive

    To live, I won't let go

    But can you see this opposition

    Comes rising up sometimes?

    That it's dreadful imposition

    Comes blacking in my mind

     

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    And then I see a darkness

    Did you know how much I love you?

    Is a hope that somehow you

    Can save me from this darkness

     

    Well, I hope that someday, buddy

    We have peace in our lives

    Together or apart

    Alone or with our wives

    And we can stop our whoring

    And pull the smiles inside

    And light it up forever

    And never go to sleep

    My best unbeaten brother

    This isn't all I see

     

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Oh no, I see a darkness

    Did you know how much I love you?

    Is a hope that somehow you

    Can save me from this darkness

     

    Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?

     

    Its been so long

    Long hard days

    They don't say

    Gods change my ways

    Change my ways

    Those evil ways

     

    So I set out

    Cross that way

    Strike them down

    To make them pay

    Change their ways

    Their evil ways

     

    But I can’t hide

    Ooooooo

    And I won't hide

    Oooooo Yeah!

    My Evil Ways

     

    I found out

    The hate grow cold

    The god rise up

    Damn my soul

    Cause I ain't change

    Change my ways

    I ain't change

     

    So I won't hide

    Ooooo

    I won't hide

    Oooooo

    I can't hide Yeah!

    Ooooooo

    I can't hide HEY!

    My evil ways

     

    (Long Solo)

     

    Well I can't hide

    Ooooo

    And I won't hide

    Ooooo yeah!

    Well I can't hide

    Ooooo ouh!

    Caus’ I can't hide

    My evil ways

     

    You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night

     

    The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

    I dreamt I held you in my arms

    When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

    So I bowed my head and I cried

     

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy when skies are grey

    You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

    Please don't take my sunshine away

     

    I've always loved you and made you happy

    And nothing else could come between

    But now you've left me to love another

    You have shattered all of my dreams

     

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy when skies are grey

    You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

    Please don't take my sunshine away

     

    Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre

     

    Creepy Western Instrumental Interlude

     

    Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder

     

    It's all the same, only the names will change

    Every day, it seems we're wastin' away

    Another place where the faces are so cold

    I drive all night just to get back home

     

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted dead or alive

    Wanted dead or alive

     

    Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days

    The people I meet always go their separate ways

    Sometimes you tell the day

    By the bottle that you drink

    And times, when you're all alone all you do, is think

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    Wanted (wanted) dead or alive

     

    Oh, and I ride

     

    (Yeah)

     

    Oh, and I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted dead or alive

     

    I walk these streets

    A loaded six-string on my back

    I play for keeps 'cause I might not make it back

    I've been everywhere, still, I'm standing tall

    I've seen a million faces

    And I've rocked them all

     

    I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side

    I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive

    And I ride, dead or alive

    I still drive (I still drive) dead or alive

    Dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive

     

    I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal

     

    Hickory, oak, pine, and weed

    Bury my heart underneath these trees

    And when a southern wind comes to raise my soul

    Spread my spirit like a flock of crows

     

    'Cause I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    Sycamore, ash, moss, and loam

    Wrap your roots all around my bones

    And when they come for me

    When they call my name

    Cast my shadow from a bellow's flame

     

    'Cause I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

    I've loved you for too long

     

    (So let the storm come)

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    I will never die

     

    You can bury my body, but I'll never die

     

    In the dead of night

    (In the dead of night)

    I'm gonna loose these chains

    (I'm gonna loose these chains)

    I'm gonna run and run and run and run and run

    (Sing on, sister)

    I'm gonna run and run and run and run

    Coming for you again

    (Oh, coming for you again)

     

    So let the storm come

     

    Old heat of raging fire

    Come and light my eyes

    Summer's kiss to electric wire

    But I'll never die

     

    I will never die

     

    You can bury my body, but I'll never die

     

    Hickory, oak, pine, and weed

    Bury my heart underneath these trees

     

    You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise

     

    This is more than you can handle

    This is more than you will ever know

     

    Stop now thinking there’s another way

    You don’t even have the words to say

     

    Look around you, look around you

    Look around you, you’re all alone

     

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you need me, I am watching you

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you call me, I am listening

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    When you need me, I am watching you

    Don’t worry, you will find me

    Don’t worry, you will find me

     

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    Recent Entries

    MrM
    Latest Entry

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    Track List

    ——————————————————

    1. Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience
    2. Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him
    3. Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day
    4. Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression
    5. The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession
    6. See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion
    7. Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises 
    8. Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’
    9. I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity
    10. Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness
    11. In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him
    12. The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality
    13. Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More
    14. Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool
    15. Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely
    16. So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate
    17. Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish
    18. Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored
    19. The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling
    20. Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix  (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay! 
    21. Love Will Tears Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons
    22. The Crying Game (Boy George) - Loveless Again
    23. Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out
    24. Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell
    25. The Rumor (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’
    26. Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance

    ————————————

    Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience

     

    Crosses in the distance, bells ring fast

    Loveless in our shelter, time will pass

    Could you take the chance on us?

    Could you take the chance on us?

     

    Call out to the lonely with regrets

    Loveless is your answer, time will pass

    Couldn’t take a chance on us

    Couldn’t take a chance on us

     

    Take my hand

    In belief we trace our steps

    Understand

    No relief in silhouettes

     

    Battled myself so many times

    What I was isn’t what I want now

    We can seek denial and search for miles

     

    Blessed love, the love I need

    Rolling drums, the Loveless bleed

     

    Take my hand

    In belief we trace our steps

    Understand

    No relief in silhouettes

     

    Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him

     

    Oh it's Sunday night

    I am lying in my bed

    Thinking of the time

    When I was in your arms

    The other day

    Oh it's been so long

    I could not see

    Waiting for someone

    That was always right

    In front of me

     

    Why didn't I say something?

    Didn't do something?

    When I knew right

    Yeah, you could be with me

    Why was I so blind?

    Why didn't I take the time?

    And now you're gone, boy

    Oh you could be with me

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    That You said to me, my baby

    You're out of reach

    Tossing and turning

    I cannot sleep

    Haunted by the things

    That I did not say, my baby

    You're out of reach

    You're out of reach

     

    If I could go back and rewind

    I'd show you that

    You're more than just a friend

    In every way

    I'd tell you all my secrets

    Boy, if you come back

    I'll never let you down

    I'll let you in

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    That you said to me, my baby

    You're out of reach

    Tossing and turning

    I cannot sleep

    Haunted by the things

    That I did not say, my baby

    You're out of reach

    You're out of reach

     

    Where are you now when the lights are low?

    Cause I'm thinking of you, I won't let you go

     

    Why didn't I say something?

    Didn't do something?

    When I knew right

    Yeah, you could be with me

     

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    You said to me, to me

    Oh I'm lying in my bed

    And I can not sleep

    Thinking of the things

    You said to me, to me

     

    Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day

     

    Good times for a change

    Seems the luck I've had

    Can make a good man

    Turn bad

     

    So please, please, please

    Let me, let me, let me

    Let me get what I want

    This time

     

    Haven't had a dream in a long time

    Seems the life I've had

    Can make a good man bad

     

    So for once in my life

    Let me get what I want

    Lord knows, it would be the first time

    Lord knows, it would be the first time

     

    Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression

     

    I'm not going down on my knees,

    Begging you to adore me

    Can't you see it's misery

    And torture for me

    When I'm misunderstood

    Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could

    To make you see

    How important it is for me

     

    Here is a plea

    From my heart to you

    Nobody knows me

    As well as you do

    You know how hard it is for me

    To shake the disease

    That takes hold of my tongue

    In situations like these

     

    Understand me

     

    Some people have to be

    Permanently together

    Lovers devoted to

    Each other forever

    Now I've got things to do

    And I've said before that I know you have too

    When I'm not there

    In spirit I'll be there

     

    Here is a plea

    From my heart to you

    Nobody knows me

    As well as you do

    You know how hard it is for me

    To shake the disease

    That takes hold of my tongue

    In situations like these

     

    Understand me

     

    The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession

     

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

     

    I will be

    In the bar

    With my head

    On the bar

    I am now

    A central part

    Of your mind's landscape

    Whether you care

    Or do not

    Yeah, I've made up your mind

     

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

    The more you ignore me

    The closer I get

    You're wasting your time

     

    Beware!

    I bear more grudges

    Than lonely high court judges

    When you sleep

    I will creep

    Into your thoughts

    Like a bad debt

    That you can't pay

    Take the easy way

    And give in

    Yeah, and let me in

    Oh, let me in

    Oh, let me ahhh

    Oh, let me in

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    It's war

    War

    War

    War

    War

    Oh, let me in

    Ah, the closer I get

    Oh, you're asking for it

    Ah, the closer I get

    Ooh, the closer I get

     

    See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion

     

    All I want to do is see you again

    Is that too much to ask for?

    I just want to see your sweet smile

    Smile the way it was before 

    Well I'll try not to hold you

    And I'll try not to kiss you

     

    And I won't even touch you 

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true 

     

    I remember the days when we'd walk through the woods

    And sit on a bench for a while

    I treasure the way we used to laugh and play

    And look in each others eyes 

    You can keep me at a distance if you don't trust my resistance

     

    But I swear I won't touch you 

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true 

     

    Well, I know five months is a long time

    And that times change (oh that times change)

    But I think that you will find

    People are basically the same (basically the same) 

     

    If the water's still flowing, we can go for a swim

    And do the things we used to do

    And if I'm reluctant you can pull me in

    And we can relive our youth 

    Oh, but we'll stay friendly like friends and brothers

     

    Though I think I still love you

    All I want to do is see you

    Don't you know that it's true?

     

    Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises 

     

    It's time we should talk about it

    There's no secret kept in here

    Forgive me for asking

    Now wipe away your tears

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    I sat on the roof

    And watched the day go by

    I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands

    Makes it all worthwhile

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    It's time we should talk about it

    There's no secret kept in here

    I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands

    Makes it all worthwhile

     

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    And if I wish to stop it all

    And if I wish to comfort the fall

    It's just wishful thinking

     

    Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’

     

    We walked the loneliest mile

    We smile without any style

    We kiss all together wrong

    No intention

     

    We lie about what each other thinks

    We live without each other

    Thinking what anyone would do

    Without me and you

     

    It's like I told you

    Only the lonely can play

     

    So hold on, here we go

    Hold on to nothin' we know

    I feel so lonely

    Way up here

     

    You mention the time we were together

    So long ago well I don't remember

    All I know is it makes me feel good now

     

    It's like I told you only the lonely can play

    Only the lonely only the lonely can play

     

    Only the lonely only the lonely can play

    It's like I told you only the lonely can play

    Only the lonely

    Only the lonely can play

     

    I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity

     

    Stay here with me before you go

    You know you're sweet the way you are

    Fall on my knees, I can't hold on

    ‘Cause I won't sleep 'til I am with

     

    You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Walk in your sleep to the backyard

    Dig up the bones of what once was

    I'm growing weak from working hard

    A shimmerless life when I'm without

     

    You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Take back what I said

    I know that you've tried too

    If I had what I want

    Let time go without us

     

    With You, I'll kiss your chapped lips

    We've shared my mattress

    I'll always come back

     

    With you, you'll hold my jacket

    We're leaving separate

    You'll never come back

     

    Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness

     

    [Chorus: x2]

    Come on and lay with me

    Come on and lie to me

    Tell me you love me

    Say I'm the only one

     

    Experiences have a lasting impression

    But words once spoken

    Don't mean a lot now

     

    Belief is the way

    The way of the innocent

    And when I say innocent

    I should say naïve

     

    So lie to me

    But do it with sincerity

    Make me listen

    Just for a minute

    Make me think

    There's some truth in it

     

    [Chorus: x2]

     

    Promises made for convenience

    Aren't necessarily

    What we need

    Truth is a word

    That's lost its meaning

    The truth has become

    Merely half-truth

     

    So lie to me

    Like they do it in the factory

    Make me think

    That at the end of the day

    Some great reward

    Will be coming my way

     

    [Chorus: Repeats]

     

    In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him

     

    In your room

    Where time stands still

    Or moves at your will

    Will you let the morning come soon

    Or will you leave me lying here

    In your favourite darkness

    Your favourite half-light

    Your favourite consciousness

    Your favourite slave 

     

    In your room

    Where souls disappear

    Only you exist here

    Will you lead me to your armchair

    Or leave me lying here

    Your favourite innocence

    Your favourite prize

    Your favourite smile

    Your favourite slave 

     

    I'm hanging on your words

    Living on your breath

    Feeling with your skin

    Will I always be here 

     

    In your room

    Your burning eyes

    Cause flames to arise

    Will you let the fire die down soon

    Or will I always be here

    Your favourite passion

    Your favourite game

    Your favourite mirror

    Your favourite slave 

     

    I'm hanging on your words

    Living on your breath

    Feeling with your skin

    Will I always be here

     

    The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality

     

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    That's all I need 

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    I want release 

    That's all I wanted from you, love 

    Oh, release 

    That's all I wanted from your touch 

    Your golden leaks 

     

    I want to... I want to breathe 

    I want you... I want release 

    I want to... want to breathe 

    I want you... I want release 

     

    This is the last day of the summer, so wake up boy x4 

    This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy 

    This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy 

    This is the last day... 

    This is the last day of your world, Golden Boy

     

    Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More

     

    Everybody knows you’re not perfect 

    But you still do your best to hide your flaws. 

     

    Everything you do is just surface 

    But we all know what goes on behind closed doors. 

     

    You’ll never know how it feels 

    To be out on a limb, in the wind. 

     

    And you’ll never know how much it hurts 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    Everything we do is falling snowflakes 

    It will all have melted by the dawn. 

    Give up all your fears for your own sakes 

    And follow me out into the storm. 

     

    You’ll never know how it feels 

    To be out on a limb, in the wind. 

     

    And you’ll never know how much it hurts 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

     

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars 

    To fall so hard you see stars

     

    Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool

     

    I remember when you filled my heart with joy

    Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space?

    'Cause now you have no interest in anything that I have to say

    And I have allowed you to make me feel, I feel so dumb

    What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

     

    You made a fool of me

    Tell me why

    You say that you don't care that we made love

    Tell me why

    You made a fool of me . . . you made a fool of me

     

    I want to kiss you

    Does he want you with the pain that I do?

    I smell you in my dreams

    But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye

    No time, No friendship, No love

     

    You say don't touch you

    I can't touch you no more

    Can't touch you anymore, anymore

    I don't touch you anymore

     

    You made a fool of me

    Tell me why

    You say that you don't care that we made love

    Tell me why

    You made a fool of me, you made a fool of me

     

    Tell me why.

     

    Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely

     

    Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us

    Broke me in two 

    We could've spent our life together

    Now we're pushed apart forever

     

    Not long to go

    I gotta get myself together

    Ain't gonna be like this forever

     

    Our broken dreams

    Now I can't believe our love is finally over

     

    It hurts too much to be apart

    Is it real, this love?

    Can you feel my touch?

     

    Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us

    Broke me in two 

    We could've spent our life together

    Now we're pushed apart forever

     

    It hurts too much to be apart

    Is it real, this love?

    Can you feel my touch?

     

    So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate

     

    Talk to me, don't lie to me

    Save your breath

    Don't look at me, don't smile at me

    Just close your eyes

     

    I was so impressed by you

    I was running blind

    I would fall for every trick

    Every twist of mind

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    ~ Jimmy thinks Billy is saying with his silence

    Don't say your prayers, don't build your hopes

    Just walk away

    Don't phone me up, don't call around

    Don't waste your time’ 

     

    You were so in awe of me

    You were so divine

    You would do just anything

    To still be mine’

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    All the things you said to me

    I was so obsessed

    You were always talking, talking

    God, I did my best

     

    Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    (I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    (I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold

    Without any soul

    It's hard to believe

    I was so in love with you

     

    I was so in love, I was so in love, I was so in love with you

    So in love with you

     

    Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish

     

    No, I can't forget this evening

    Or your face as you were leaving

    But I guess that's just the way the story goes

    You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows

    Yes, it shows

     

    No, I can't forget tomorrow

    When I think of all my sorrows

    When I had you there, but then you let me go

    And now it's only fair that I should let you know

    What you should know

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    Can't live, if living is without you

    Can't give, I can't give any more

     

    No, I can't forget this evening

    Or your face as you were leaving

    But I guess that's just the way the story goes

    You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows

    Yes, it shows

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    Can't live, if living is without you

    Can't give, I can't give any more

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

     

    I can't live, if living is without you

    I can't give, I can't give any more

     

    Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored

     

    Scared of losing touch 

    If I really mean that much 

    Why pretend that you love him? 

    Don't call me out of the blue 

    It's clear that I still do 

    And you know he knows it too. 

    Going home alone 

    The only love I've known 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

     

    Tell me it's not real 

    Tell me he doesn't make you feel 

    The way I made you feel 

    If you care for me at all 

    You'll hang up when I call 

    You'll clear me the space to fall 

    If you give I will receive 

    And despite what they believe 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

    It's always been you. 

     

    ~ Sam’s Helping Hand

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know’ 

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    When you're feeling alone 

    And you're colder than stone 

    Call me you know ‘

     

    It's always been you. 

     

    It's always been you.

     

    The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling

     

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?

    How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?

    Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?

    How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

    How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?

    How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies?

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine?

    Tell Me........

     

    How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything.

    All My Love, All I Had Inside.

    How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?

    How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?

     

    I Thought We Had Forever.

    I Cant Understand.

     

    How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?

    How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

    Won’t Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me?

    Tell Me........

     

    How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?

    How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?

    I Thought We Had Forever.

    I Cant Understand.

     

    *How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?

    How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?

    Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

    If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?*

     

    How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

    How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?

    How Could The One I Was So True Too Just Tell Me Lies?

     

    *How Could The One I Gave My Heart To.....

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To....

    How Could The One I Gave My Heart To Break This Heart of Mine?

    Tell Me........

     

    Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix  (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay! 

     

    Flicking through yesterday’s news 

    Slipping my neck into the noose again 

    Well it fits so well. 

    Doesn't know where his loyalties lie - 

    Then again neither do I. 

    Going out thinking I am there 

    Waking up in his arms but then

    I Never knew it would be so hard 

    Never knew I would be a part of this 

    Bitterness. 

     

    I try to fall awake but I still sleep 

    Wait for a week but I am weak 

    And resolutions fail 

    And once again I'm throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

     

    Stand in the payphone, count to ten 

    But you won’t call me back again. 

    Sends a little shiver right through me 

    When I hear you running down to me. 

    But I know you’ll only turn away 

    ‘Cause you've got nothing left to say to me 

    Well; hear me out. 

     

    I try to fall awake but I still sleep 

    Wait for a week but I am weak. 

    And resolutions fail 

    And once again I'm throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing stones 

    At your window. 

    Throwing Stones 

    At your window.

     

     Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons

     

    ~ Sending a photo hoping Billy will think this about Brandon

    ‘When routine bites hard

    And ambitions are low

    And resentment rides high

    But emotions won't grow

    And we're changing our ways, taking different roads

     

    Then love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

     

    Why is the bedroom so cold?

    You've turned away on your side

    Is my timing that flawed?

    Our respect runs so dry

    Yet there's still this appeal

    That we've kept through our lives

     

    But love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

     

    You cry out in your sleep

    All my failings exposed

    And there's a taste in my mouth

    As desperation takes hold

    Just that something so good just can't function no more

     

    But love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again

    Love, love will tear us apart again’

     

    The Crying Game (Boy George) - To Be Loveless Again

     

    I know all there is to know about the crying game

    I've had my share of the crying game

    First there are kisses

    Then there are sighs

    And then, before you know where you are

    You're sayin' goodbye

     

    One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon about the crying game

    And if he knows, maybe he'll explain

    Why there are heartaches (Heartaches)?

    Why there are tears (So sad)?

    Then what to do to stop feeling blue

    When love disappears

     

    First there are kisses (Kisses)

    Then there are sighs (So sad)

    And then, before you know where you are

    You're sayin' goodbye

     

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)

    Don't want no more of the crying game

     

     Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out

     

    Through early morning fog I see

    Visions of the things to be

    The pains that are withheld for me

    I realize and I can see

     

    That suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    The game of life is hard to play

    I'm gonna lose it anyway

    The losing card I'll someday lay

    So this is all I have to say

     

    Suicide is painless (suicide)

    It brings on many changes (changes)

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    The sword of time will pierce our skins

    It doesn't hurt when it begins

    But as it works its way on in

    The pain grows stronger

    Watch it grin

     

    Suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    A brave man once requested me

    To answer questions that are key

    Is it to be or not to be?’

    And I replied, ‘oh why ask me?’

     

    Suicide is painless

    It brings on many changes

    And I can take or leave it if I please

     

    And you can do the same thing if you please

     

    Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell

     

    It's a shame that it had to be this way

    It's not enough to say I'm sorry

    It's not enough to say I'm sorry

     

    Maybe I'm to blame

    Or maybe we're the same

    But, either way I can't breathe

    Either way I can't breathe

     

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

     

    I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive

    Cause everything we've been through

    And everything about you

    Seemed to be a lie

    A guiltless twisted lie

    It made me learn to hate you

    Or hate myself for letting it pass by

     

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

    All I had to say is goodbye

    We're better off this way

    We're better off this way

     

    And every, everything isn't only

    What it seemed so hold these

    Words that you never told me

    Its time to say goodbye

    Its time to say goodbye

    Its time to say goodbye

    Goodbye

     

    Bye

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    Take my pain away

    Tear it out

    Tell me I was wrong

    Tell me I was wrong

     

    (And so on)

     

    The Rumour (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’

     

    Boy of fourteen

    Whole life ahead of him

    Slashed his wrists 

    Bored with life

    Didn't succeed 

    Thank the Lord

    For small mercies

     

    Fighting back the tears

    Mother reads the note again

    Fourteen candles burn in her mind

    She takes the blame

    It's always the same

    She goes down on her knees

    And prays . . .

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    Boy of fourteen

    Fell in love with somebody

    Found new life inside their eyes

    Hit by a lie 

    Ended up

    On a life support machine

     

    Summer's day 

    As he passed away

    Birds were singing 

    In the summer's sky

    Then came the rain

    And once again

    A tear fell

    From his mother's eye

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    I don't want to start 

    Any blasphemous rumours

    But I think that God's 

    Got a sick sense of humour 

    And when I die

    I expect to find Him laughing’

     

    Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance

     

    When the dark wood fell before me

    And all the paths were overgrown

    When the priests of pride say there is no other way

    I tilled the sorrows of stone

     

    I did not believe because I could not see

    Though you came to me in the night

    When the dawn seemed forever lost

    You showed me your love in the light of the stars

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Then the mountain rose before me

    By the deep well of desire

    From the fountain of forgiveness

    Beyond the ice and fire

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Though we share this humble path, alone

    How fragile is the heart

    Oh give these clay feet wings to fly

    To touch the face of the stars

     

    Breathe life into this feeble heart

    Lift this mortal veil of fear

    Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears

    We'll rise above these earthly cares

     

    Cast your eyes on the ocean

    Cast your soul to the sea

    When the dark night seems endless

    Please remember me

     

    Please remember me

    Please remember me

    Please remember me . . .

  13. This challenge was so popular two weeks ago and we have another open blog today, so I thought we'd have some more Halloween fun. It's almost here! It's a super simple challenge that helps get your creative juices flowing... write a caption for this image below that tells a story and share it in the blog comments. You have just 30 words or less to share what you think is happening in the picture. Narrate the scene, give a spooky reason why those jack-o-lantern's are clustered there, or give us a peek at the events about to happen... Are they about to get revenge for the carving? Eeek!  

     

    You tell us! 

     

    pumpkins-1586516_640.jpg

    CAPTION THIS

     

     

    Remember, authors, you can get featured in the site blogs with several author features but you have to sign up for them! 

    Story Critique: Open to all GA authors. Sign up here

    Story Recommendations:  Open to all GA authors & readers. PM your recommendation and why you recommend it to a Site Admin.

  14. Dabeagle
    Latest Entry

    There comes a point where you might look at your work and wonder how good or bad it is. You may wonder which mistakes you're making, be they grammatical or creative. Sometimes an editor or beta reader helps you catch those things, but what if it's what you intended? How much do our intentions, in the front of our mind of unconsciously, play into the final product? I'd imagine the answer is different for different writers, so I can only give you my view.

     

    One of the things I do is make teenage characters sound too old, too mature. There are some kids who act older than their age, but by and large they don't. I have kids. They aren't like my characters, except perhaps in small flashes. In fact my theory of parenting is tiny bits of wonderful surrounded by a whole lot of WTF. SO why would I write characters that aren't the norm for that age group? Well, I'll tell you why.

     

    Where do young people get a lot of information, both good and bad or just plan wrong? The internet. For all the good things, we have to accept the bad as well and the fact is you can put just about anything you like up there and some schlub will believe it. That is dangerous in a general sense, but even worse when you head toward the industry that leads the way forward in so many things - technology, online business and I'm referring to porn, of course. It's ready available, in fact you can search for something not associated with porn and still find a porn site. There are free cams that require no more than you saying that you're of age no matter how old you really are. Kids are clever, especially when it comes to satisfying those curiosities. Usually, they don't have the maturity to handle that. In my opinion, it's worse for gay kids. In a world where there are people who do all the things they do to gay people as a class, it's even worse when you're a kid. If you never wanted to tell your straight son that a VW bus full of cheerleaders wasn't going to roll into his driveway and have wild sex with him - but did because porn is all about fantasy, you did the right thing. I wish more people would talk to their kids about porn instead of just telling them no.

     

    So, then, if people talk to their straight kids about porn in a meaningful way (I'm guessing a middling percent might), how much lower are the numbers for gay kids? Where will they learn about relationships and the role sexual intimacy plays? Porn? If they did choose to read my stuff, they might find a better way. To delve into the ideas that we care about our partners, that they feel good with us and give consent to be a part of whatever is happening. Will they relate to the more mature characters? Maybe, if it's laid out logically and they can see the path it took to get there.

     

    I recall watching the Fosters on TV and someone saying to me 'They just go from the kids doing one stupid thing to another. Don't they ever learn?' I wonder how many kids it helped, and how many rolled their eyes and said 'How dumb can they be?' Hey, kids screw up. Some adults screw up more than a kid. Sometimes logic doesn't play a big role. I try to balance some of that, but in the end I want young people to take away the idea of respectful, meaningful relationships and not substitute sex for love.

     

    So my younger character will probably continue to be more mature than they should be, for the most part. But it's for a good reason.

  15. Ever look back and realize you've done more than you thought you did?

     

    I've mentioned some word counts before. Edited chapter 4 of "2-14-9X" today for @Comicality's magazine. When I pasted the edits into this running word file I keep the whole story in I noticed something. 

     

    30, 747 words

     

    Now, that's not too far from the last publicized count, I know. But it's still been a while since I took stock of the whole, you know?

     

    Considering most of that was written between December 2017 and March 2018 progress has slowed considerably. But, to those of you who read my interview in the March 2018 issue of @Comicality's Imagine Magazine, my writing hasn't, and isn't always as readily available of my imagination.

     

    The gap between imagining something, no matter how detailed, and expressing that vision. is sometimes wider than others. Sometimes it's the crack in the sidewalk between to slabs, something unnoticed as w=one goes along. Sometimes it's a canyon, and there isn't always a bridge. Sometimes it feels so far that one side is out of sight of the other.

     

    Even when it's working, another issue is control. I may say "I really need to edit chapter 5, I'm behind schedule," only to have my concentration slide away from me to concepts, scenes, whole stories, that have nothing to do with a certain night's events that happened to be on Valentine's Day. And trying to force it one way instead of where it wants to go can mean that nothing really gets done. Proofreading is one thing, and that can be hard enough to concentrate on, but editing is more than that. In the case of chapter 5 well, there are things that have to work or… Well they don't yet so no chapter 5 for you guys. And I may say that "chapter 8 really needs some attention" (XP) same deal. Just because I want to write it doesn't mean that's what I can concentrate on. I mean just look at chapter 2 of predators 3/4 finished since before I started 2 – 14 – 9X. I know what happens next, I watched it play out a a dozen times in my head.

     

    (Are you loving or hating a look behind the scenes right now? Be honest.)

     

    And sometimes, this is speaking more historically, there's a difference between writing something, writing something that's good, and writing something that's useful. I have at least three "novels" that are each unfinished, probably more than 100 pages apiece, and they tell so little of the story for all that wordage that it's not even funny. Not to me anyway. It's not that what I wrote is bad, it's just... ugh. Slow. Or focuses so much on setting that by the time the actors start doing something there's no momentum carried over from the previous scene.

     

    So maybe there's only been a few thousand words of progress over the last few months. But trust me, a few thousand words of progress are better than tens of thousands that don't go anywhere.  

     

    *Looks offstage when there's muttering from the wings* "Yes yes I'm still going to tell your stories someday."

     

    Probably in the grand scheme of things my old writing accomplishes in more than 100 pages less story mileage than I've managed to do in Predators: 2-4-9X thus far. 

     

    I'll take the right 4k words over the good but useless 40k I might otherwise have added in the past. Am I making sense?

     

    Writing aside, life presents its obstacles and distractions. Work, home, mood disorders, drama drama drama, even as a spectator. Sigh.

     

    I've got a couple people that might become beta readers. That will help if it happens. Nothing refuels focus on writing like talking about it with people.

     

    I've also joined a writing group IRL. While I don't know ow much that will help, I'm not exactly eager to volunteer "hey I write about teenagers having sex. Gay ones." I mean, that's not what I want to be the focus of my writing, the emotions are what matter but I think we all know that's the part that would stand out.

     

    They do something for national novel writing month and I have vague operations of participating. Which is why, except for engaging with my potential beta readers and if the mood strikes me to do otherwise, I'm going to be focusing on prep work for a short story that has been preoccupying me and the broader story that it inspired because that may be my NaNoWiMo project.

     

    I know 2-14 is already behind schedule and any diehards have been waiting for seven years for Predators chapter 2. But I hope my readers and fellow writers and everyone here can focus on the positive. If I even get close that means you guys could see something pretty complete. And writing is writing.

    .

    I started this log entry thinking about how far I've come, it makes sense to leave it at I thought of how far I have to go.

     

    I've said before, in that interview actually, my writing is my journey, and I hope that some of you want to come along.

     

     

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    CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING BLOG ENTRY TALKS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

    Hey everyone :hug: ,

    How’s everyone? I hope everyone’s doing good. I haven’t been doing that great. I might say, I have been doing quite awful suffering from both depression and anxiety for the past two months or so. I have been kind of absent from the site due to being extremely busy with the university for the past couple of months (dissertation is not the most favourite thing for me to do).

    Anyways, this feeling of awfulness started a about three months back, the day after I turned 24. To support myself through the uni I (used to) work at a fast food restaurant what also involved delivering the food to the costumer’s place. On one of these deliveries, I called the costumer when at his place, he buzzed me inside and I went up to his apartment. The door was open and I could hear some noises so, I knocked and waited for him. He appeared from the corner carrying some boxes and asked me to leave the food on the kitchen counter. Now, this wasn’t the first time a costumer asked me to carry the food inside. So, I didn’t think much of it and went inside, put the food on counter and told him the price of the order (It was not paid already). While he went to get the money, I realised that the sounds were coming from a porn movie. Suddenly, I felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He brought the money and it was all coins.

    So, I had to stand there and count all of them before leaving. As, I was counting he started saying things like “I’m so horny” or “Are you horny” etc. I kept trying to ignore him and tried to finish counting as soon as possible while all of a sudden, he touched me (there). I don’t know why, but I was immediately paralysed. Probably due to fear or surprise or a mixture of both, I’m not completely sure to be honest. He then proceeded to do whatever he felt like. I almost felt like I had no control over whatever was happening. I wanted to yell at him to stop and get away from me, kick at him and run away but neither any sound came out of my mouth nor my hands moved to stop him. I kind of blacked out but could still see and feel everything and it was horrifying. After he was done he just got up and went to clean himself up. Meanwhile, I regained my senses enough to just get up and bolted away from there (I didn’t even bother taking the money). As soon as I got on to the road I just puked all of my breakfast on the side (in the bushes), returned to the restaurant, told them I wasn’t feeling well, went home and scrubbed myself in the shower.

    I was utterly disgusted with the entire experience and felt like extremely violated and also that I wasn’t clean no matter how many showers I have taken. The worst part of this entire experience was that my body still reacted to his actions and it felt like my own body failed me in this entire process. I just ended curling up at my home for most of the next two days almost never leaving the bed. One half of my mind kept telling me that I had been sexually assaulted while the other kept saying that I really haven’t because I never objected to it. All of this led to my depression becoming worse and for the first time, I felt ashamed to face the world. Even through my childhood and teenage growing up as an Lgbt+ kid, I never felt the feeling of shame and ended up losing any inspiration to do any sort of work. Not to mention the fear of contracting an STD. This led to my assignments being submitted late or unfinished or both at times and affected my grades.

    The worst part doesn’t even start here. Remember, I called him before to get to his address? Well, he also now had my phone number and hence kept calling me at random times with often lewd suggestions and offers to come to his place because his wife was away. He also turned up a my workplace more than a couple of times. I ended up blocking his number and he then started blocking his caller ID or even calling me from different phone numbers. And thanks to all of these actions, I became extremely anxious and now have to keep an inhaler with me in case of an asthma attack (the asthma existed in my family before, I didn’t get asthma because of him but it’s onslaught started a lot earlier than it should have thanks to the conditions). The queasiness in the stomach never stops. Finally, 5 days ago, when he called me, I warned him against calling me and threatened to disclose all of this matter to his wife and also told him that I secretly recorded his previous calls. It seemed to have scared him and he hasn’t contacted me ever since.

    I finally decided to see a psychologist about all of these issues and my first appointment will be on the next week. I am still quite unsure on how to approach the subject and my sexuality in general and the issues I have developed growing up in a homophobic environment and country. I really needed to tell this to someone because I really need to concentrate on my assignments and exams and the psychologist appointment is still a week away and I wasn’t sure I would feel the best after I speak about topics such as my sexuality and mental health issues.

    I do have several questions, am I wrong in being angry and sad that I have been violated against my consent? Can it even be considered a sexual assault if I necessarily didn’t even object? It wasn’t like he hit me and forced himself on me. I really wasn’t able to act at all. Am I wrong in getting sad that my first sexual experience with someone else was this? Is this even considered sex? Am I thinking too much about this?

    Anyways, thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate being able to share this horrible experience with someone, I really needed that. Hope everyone has a great day/night :hug: .

    Victor

    P.S. I apologise for any grammatical errors as I really did not proof read because I just wanted to type it and post it immediately. And I generally use British/ Australian spellings, so please excuse all the additional 'u's and the 's' in the spellings :P :lol:

    EDIT: I'm not completely sure if this sort of topic can be posted in a blog. If it cannot be, just let me know and I would be happy to remove it. Thank you :)

  16. As I had stated to Page and a couple others on Cott... we need to be aware and pay attention to our teens and how badgering and "Just kidding" remarks bring issues and tragedies... how we just don't know how much weight and burden it can produce...!!! Sadly... Dennis 191 is that example... we knew him as the crazy Hun that would go into fits at Cott Say and do CRAZY things...Not knowing the deeper issues and horrors he had and lived... Dennis191 had a mindset, but there were reasons for those mindsets... I knew Dennis had deeper rooted problems, dealing with teens for 27 years you tend to pick up on things, especially the boys, they will blow things off to their peers but in their alone time and internally it eventually peaks... Dennis peaked on GA before he left, became spiteful and rebellious to moderators and others as well... he was crying out the best way he knew how, and the only way he knew... Dennis and I remained in contact after he left we became very close as he had begun to allow me into his world... A very cruel and difficult world I might add... being a loaner not for fear... but of the penalty of letting anyone too close in his space. But I was very persistent every day to connect and encourage edify, and even hug from 5000 miles away. Christmas last year he was all alone and I could tell as it approached it bothered him even though he would never say it... because Dennis through a series of events always had to suck things up and cope with life as it was dealt to him... this all began at a very early time in his young life, his parents blamed him for being  born, continually calling him a worthless piece of crap... only to send him away After his Grandparents died ( his one and only outlet, he Loved his Grandparents) Dennis was sent to a boys Military school at the age of thirteen so his dad wouldn't have to look at him, the military School was located at the site of an old Anthrax testing ground. it was said to be safe, but it was just a story. Dennis had contracted Anthrax while there its effects were somehow  not life-threatening to him as with others 2 youth died... he was at the firing range when the staff person monitoring them became aggressive with Dennis and Dennis shot  and killed him they ended up out of fear of being found out to kick Dennis out of the School and send him back home to "Dad". Dennis went back to School at the Public Schools where he met His soul mate Jon who was the only thing keeping him going and giving him the love he lacked for the next two years. Then Jon because of his home and school Situations of bullies and an abusive stepfather... ended up Killing himself, leaving Dennis alone and angry again until last November when he was asked by his cousin who lived in Serbia to come and  spend the Holidays with them and if he liked it he could stay which was good for him to be around people who did care, and know what he had gone through. But we remained in contact and drew closer and I could even tell when he was getting ready to have one of his fits and divert it into something more positive... he did get better and even found work for a while... I had sent him funds on many occasions to help out as they don't make much there... we had talked about my Eye surgery and well he was the very First person I was able to see with my eye after surgery and he was proud of that, but there were many things still Haunting Dennis he had 3-4 times talked about committing suicide when he would return from the store or back from venturing out... he was Teased and ridiculed for being Hungarian and had gotten to the point he would fight back when he went out. We began talking about me going to Serbia and then we would tour his Native Hungarian land and he was excited as I was... I began to make all the arrangements and set stuff in order, then my eye needed surgery again and he thought our Visit would not happen, had quit his job there and was going to go to London to work...He said he could make more money there... I asked about my trip and he said we were still on when my eye situation was finished. Then he became irritated again but wouldn't share, And I did finally find out he was having complications with getting his ID? passport renewed, but I knew it was more... had started to revert back not sleeping and Nightmares all the time, I knew I needed to get there ASAP. I remember his birthday on may 5th he turned 19... although I could not be there I was bound to make it memorable for him, I had bought my New computer and decided I would have my Old lap top refurbished( he was using an old hp D760 we called it the Dino) I had  upgraded everything on it and sent it with Cables and Speakers and Even a new LG4 phone, his screen was so cracked I just imagined him with Bandaids on his fingersThe box weighed about 21 lbs full of converters and every thing needed for him .... it was very expensive to ship and even cost  a lot to have it delivered there, but to me it was worth it to give him a grand 19th birthday, I played his Native birthday music and sent him some songs we had enjoyed for hours together... when He said it was just another day I knew no one had spent time to show him his value and worth with "No strings attached" Dennis was a good kid and would give his very last to a stranger... he often thought of others and said he was not important... So untrue I got to know the real Dennis not the one he would try and show... Yes he was a little off but anyone of us would have been Dead already if we were in his shoes....So When a kid is acting up or out maybe  we need to step closer, ask those questions we are afraid to ask help edify and encourage before it's to late....!!!  my Heart is truly broken and heavy The pain will linger at His Death, yes he couldn't take it any longer the screams the agony and terror the teasing  and the disrespect for his culture... he laid down  boldly in front of a train leaving the station to end his alredy numb and disembodied life... I lost a Brother, Friend a child still in the heart but a very very confused one... I am just in tears I could not get to him in time... but then was there ever any time, or was he just biding time... That We will never know... So those who knew Dennis 191 please take a moment in remembering him and now you know more than ever before, I am so glad to have taken the time and spent what was a bonding moment, I am glad to have spent the hundreds of hours on the net  and even video chatted with him, the eyes  don't lie and well they told his life story, and his connection with me ... the challenges we both faced... take a moment to remember him and then think is there someone in my own life I should be more aware, spend more time with, and just love them for who they are... not who we want them to be...!!! Here's to you... you Dennis are not or ever was a mistake you are Loved an always will be loved and now maybe you can truly Rest in Peace...???:heart::kiss::heart::heart:

  17. Needless to say, my life is one big fuck up right now. Everything seems to be going to the shits. Well, not everything. Two significant parts of my life remain on track. My reading is prodigious right now. I am actively reading: Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, The Seventh Cross by Anna Seghers, Hiroshima by John Hersey, Blood’s a Rover by Harlan Ellison, and most of The New Yorker when it comes to the house most weeks. Yeah, you’re asking how do I keep track of it all. Well, I do, somehow. The other thing going on correctly right now is my next story. It had a working title of The Reluctant Father up until yesterday when I changed it to Canes. I working on Chapter 8 right now. It is a psycho-sexual family drama about a sixty-something gay widower and a young gay teen who has an unhealthy relationship with railroad locomotives. It’s not so much that they go fast, but exactly what happens if you’re standing in front of one when it’s going 50 mph.

     

    So, what’s going on with the rest of my live? Well, you see we have this thirteen week old German Shepherd puppy that—although she belongs to my son—is my responsibility during the day because he works swing shift, comes home and stays up until three or four in the morning, doesn’t get up until one or one-thirty in the afternoon, and he leaves for work at two-fifteen so he can get to work an hour early so he can read the newspaper.

     

    Then yesterday afternoon when he got up to eat his breakfast, his regular bowl was dirty because he’d used it for a snack the previous night, so, he got a bowl out of the cupboard. Now, these bowls are not cereal bowls; they’re more dessert sized, which means he has to keep the box of cereal and the jug of milk on the table so he can have a sizeable breakfast.

     

    “Why didn’t you wash your bowl?” I asked foolishly.

     

    “Oh, you know, I don’t do service work anymore. The house nigger should’ve cleaned it before I got up.”

     

    Yeah, that’s his nickname for me.

     

    The house nigger does the dishes, sweeps the floors, does the grocery shopping, and raises his mastuh’s dogs.

     

    Plus, my knees are giving out on me, but the VA orthopedic surgeons won’t send me outside to get artificial knees because I weigh too much. I think I need to lose about another ten pounds. My bad knees are forcing me to decide whether I’m going to give up the idea of leaning how to play the guitar because I have to drive 27 miles to my lessons every Saturday. I know you’re thinking, “Oh, the poor old man has to drive TWENTY-SEVEN MILES and back for his guitar lessons. Well, if it’s all that far, maybe, he should give up his dream. Poor old man.”

     

    Well, fuck, I drive down there and back and not surprisingly it takes me six days to recover (yeah, six days means I miss that day’s lesson) because unlike most people, I don’t have any cartilage in my knees. It’s all melted away and has been replaced with arthritis, but my orthopedic surgeon says I gotta walk to keep that synovial fluid sloshing around in there to cushion what I have left of my knees. If I don’t, then just maybe I won’t be able to walk at all. I’ll be lucky if they issue me one of those walkers with handle bars, a seat, and hand brakes. Worse? Well, I don’t want to think of worse because when the surgeon told me about what worse entails, I figured I’d better get out there and walk some more even if it makes my knees feel like dried dog shit on a hardwood floor.

     

    And, of course, there’s the head or, rather, its contents, that collection of gray and white matter which is supposed to keep me on an even keel, but doesn’t. Sure, I take meds, I’ve been taking meds since April, 2008. But, now, I’ve been released by my local VA shrink and sent out to a vendor. An example of this vendor’s expertise in mental health meds is she prescribed Amantadine for my Essential Tremor. It’s a mild Parkinson’s drug given for tremor from that disorder, but one of its rather insidious side effects is narcolepsy. If I take that, I’ll be subjecting myself to my personal “My Own Private Idaho.” Just think of it, no more tremors, but going to sleep in a school zone and wiping out a street crossing full of first graders. Not my idea of fun. They do recommend not driving or operating heavy equipment if you take it. So, I’m not going to be taking that med. When she asks how I doing on it, I’ll let her know about the narcolepsy side effect. Probably, the worst thing about that side effect is that not only can it occur when you first start taking the med, but it can crop up years away. I wonder how many old people who’ve been given that drug and fall asleep while driving down the street and take out a sidewalk full of kids on their way to get Slurpees. It certainly won’t be me.

     

    But, speaking of mental health, I’m in a general funk right now. Yesterday, I was ready to pack my bags and books and take a powder. I don’t know where I would’ve gone. Probably, a city where there is a VA Med Center where I could get treatment for my various ailments. And, of course, although I would’ve left a note, I wouldn’t say where I was going and I certainly would never come back. No, this house nigger was going to be a runaway and I wouldn’t give a fuck about whether my son could remember how to wash dishes.

     

    Today? Well, today I listened to all of my Vangelis CDs and typed this blog, which dumped a whole lot of shit on you guys. I apologize, but you see I don’t have anyone else to dump on because my VA shrink won’t talk to me and my vendor shrink only speaks to veterans on Thursday’s. So, thank you for listening and sorry for the “N” word, but when you’re called it, it kind of sticks to you in not a very nice way.

     

    Better go, time to feed the dogs or mastuh be mad.

     

  18. This morning I woke up, pretended to eat the imaginary ice cream (green flavour!) that Goblinboy pretended to feed me, got up and fetched Baby Wolfeater from his cot, gave them milk, and went back to bed to snuggle my husband. Dashi joined us, because the best place for a lurcher to be is cuddled on our duvet, and after a little while we were invaded by our small and not so small sons. Then I got up.

     

    It's Sunday, so I abandoned my husband with the small boys, and Dashi and I went to the farm. Many people have told me I'm a lucky bastard, and trust me when I say that I believe them. Our great friends Clare and Christian have rented us (back in April) a little scrap of unused woodland with a pond in it (about an acre all in all, but not all useable) in return for one pig per year - ready for the freezer. So we built a fence (cue swearing, shouting, bleeding) and now we have pigs, six chickens in a run we got for free (score!), a greenhouses we have yet to rebuild (secondhand for nothing), a shed containing the very beginnings of a rabbit tree (meat rabbits, don't get all sappy on me), and a raised bed growing potatoes.

     

    I fed the animals, walked to Copper's field and gave him breakfast, and went for a walk with Dashi and the farm spaniels. It was a good morning.

     

    Then I came home to be greeted by all my boys.

     

    Goblinboy will be three (THREE? where did the time go?) at the end of October, and Wolfeater has just turned one. Goblinboy is all about the talking, playing pretend, the questions (Why is rain?), the learning about hammers and anvils (he's learning from his Daddy. I'm proud), and the helping with absolutely everything (anyone need a tiny gardener?). Wolfeater is walking (properly walking) and has been able to climb the stairs since six months (yeah, we've had no rest), and is busy eating whatever he can lay his hands on and trying out new word-sounds.

     

    And.... now neither of them are napping anymore, and I gotta go.

     

    Oh, and I wrote something. Kitt's been great at keeping my secrets as always. Bye y'all!

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