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March Classic Author Excerpt: Kombat Kids by GhostRyder15
By Cia
How's your schedule? Spring break looming for you? Or are you just looking to crash from all the harsh winter or summer weather and need a good reason to take a break? Well, once again we have another Classic Author feature to tickle your interest and catch your eye in case you missed this early author from GA's beginning days! Kombat Kids is set in a place very familiar to me... the Pacific Northwest. Not far from the Columbia River, this is a region with a lot of rich plant-life, varied animals of all shapes and sizes, and so many outdoor activities you don't ever have to go inside if you don't want to! The perfect setting for this story. Add in the stellar snippet of the review from Myr on Monday's feature, which you can read here if you didn't see it, and I am happy to also get to share an excerpt of this story with you to showcase just what you're missing out on if you haven't read it yet. You can also download a copy of the graphic to add to your signature if you want to share how much you enjoyed the story! To read more, click here.- 2 comments
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Anything New?
So much has happened in the last year. There's so much I wanted to do, that I never actually managed to accomplish. Of course, a lot of that pales in comparison to my biggest accomplishment yet...Baby J. We waited so long for him, and at times I still feel like maybe we're living in a dream, or that something is going to happen that will take it all away. I try my best not to focus on the negatives, but sometimes it's hard. Then I look at that little boy's smiling face, or hear his little giggle, and I realize that everything I didn't accomplish, doesn't matter. What matters is him, and my Husband, and our little family. What matters is making the most of every moment that we have together. It's been a rocky road getting to where we're at now, but in the end, it was all worth it.
I came to a realization this evening, as I was sitting here listening to the Hubby and Baby J sleep. I was looking at the themes for the anthologies this year and thought that just maybe, I could write something for it. It's been so long since I really did much writing at all. And I realized something. About the time I quit writing, really writing, was about the same time that I got diagnosed with Anxiety. That stupid A word that makes me think that every little twinge is something wrong. To be fair, many in my family have had health issues the last couple years, and not just minor ones. But that had happened before and I'd always been able to write through. I'd always been able to put my feelings to paper and it helped. Then a dang nurse at a doctor's office mentioned one word, and I saw something wrong with me around every corner. (Note to nurses: Don't tell a patient (all perfectly calmly) that their blood pressure is in stroke range and you'll just give it a moment and take it again. Nothing good comes from that, especially when less than five minutes later you take it again and go "Oh, it's a lot lower now, maybe it was a mistake". Maybe? MAYBE? You mean you don't know? You're talking about my damn life, woman! GRRRRRR) I'm lucky in that I have a Husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to put my mind at ease, but sometimes I feel like it gets a bit ridiculous. And the more I looked at things, the more I realized that is when I stopped writing. I was so focused and worried about what MIGHT be wrong with me health wise, that it consumed me.
I started with a new doctor, and at first things seemed good, up until I refused a medication that I read more bad than good about. Sure, it worked for people's anxiety, as long as they never tried to go off of it. And it wasn't even something that he thought for sure would work, but something that he just wanted to "try". Everything I read pointed to people being completely hooked after only a very very short round of dosages, even less than how long he wanted me to "try" them for. And these people had a nightmare of a time trying to come off of it, many of which never managed it). After talking about it with the Hubby, we both agreed that neither of us were comfortable with me being on that medication. My doctor's response was basically to tell me that he didn't know what else I wanted him to do then. Ummm... I don't know, maybe try and actually rule stuff out rather than blaming anxiety for EVERYTHING! In the end, we THINK that some of the ER trips, EKG's, chest x-rays, and doctors appointments that I was told were just anxiety, were the beginnings of my gallstones. They hurt, but we're thinking the gallstones just weren't big enough to cause the excruciating pain that finally got the ER docs to do an ultrasound and find the stupid gallstones. Gallbladder removal, and surprise, no more than the occasional twinge that could be just about anything.
Fast forward to now. I've started going to a new doctor that is doing a really long blood panel to see if anything comes back. It's early days yet, but he has promised that he will NOT blame anxiety for things without ruling other issues out first. So we'll see how that works out.
Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying that perhaps I need to look at things a little bit different now. I've always had some anxiety, but never as bad as it has been in the last couple years. If what I now suspect is true, perhaps it was my writing that helped me to keep my anxiety in check. Could it be possible that by losing my writing, I lost that outlet that gave the anxiety free rein? If I could get back into writing, is it possible that I'd be focused enough on that and Baby J that the anxiety would take a back seat?
I'm hoping to find out. Of course, there are no guarantees, but this year, I'm going to put forth a concerted effort to get back into my writing (most likely during Baby J's naps and after he goes to bed at night). It might just start out with short stories, or prompts, but writing was my escape for so long, and I think when I quit writing, I lost the part of me that was able to keep other things at bay (though I got something back too, in the form of Baby J). Anyway, this was all on my mind, so I thought I'd get it down while thinking about it.
I hope to have something new to share soon!!!
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January Plans
New year - same me but trying new ways.
After a horrendous year last year I needed help and have been talking. Hard admitting one is only human. It also helps to hear or be reminded that there are two or more sides to any story, and while your choices are your own, sometimes the things leading up to it,and the choices others make after it you aren't responsible for.
In other news I'm working on three projects. A story for the anthology using Seeon and the Waza family. A new chapter in my seer story. (I know I said it was done but sometimes your characters just don't want to be forgotten.) Finally I'm hoping to complete a 5 or 6 chapter story I'm calling Next Chapter. It is about a man forced to start over after being kept on the edges of everything.
That's all for now.
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Book Club Suggestions – Historical Novels Category
Hi all
I have been full of work, so of course to escape that i decided to make a new suggestion. I will finally suggest a single book, and although to be honest the author did wrote a "kind of a series" around the same subject, Alexander The Great rise and rule, it can be a stand alone read. The Persian Boy by Mary Renault, tell as the story of a young boy that captured, made an eunuch and sold as a slave to the King of Persia. After Alexander conquering of the Persian Empire, he becomes Alexander servant and lover. I know many in the gay community might already know this book, but I decided to make it my suggestion because this was a book that always stayed in my mind. My parents have a considerable book selection and I read this book when I was a teenager in high school. I am not sure of the details anymore, I think at that time I already new I was gay, but before I found online fiction or GA, it was actually the first book I read that can be considered a gay story, and it was important for me at the time.
Hope you guys enjoy it.
PS: these entries don't have to be my suggestions only, you can leave another book suggestion of the featured category in the comments.
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Heavy, Heavier, Metal
So as someone who listened to lots of noise from county, folk songs, to modern day stuff, through the seventies and eighties, I believe I have a solid understanding what it sounds like when you got somethin that cripples the peaceful surface of your soul and you love it. Yep that`s heavy metal, from Black Sabbath, Dio, DC, `Tallica, Maiden, Megadeth, Motorhead, Death, Sepultura, Rage against the machine, Soundgarden, Tyrant, Violent force, Overkill, Arch enemy, The scorpions, Slayer, even Marilyn Manson...ring a bell? Hahaha yeah The ultimate noise makers, I like a lot of a lot of genres, but what made the stereotype that all of em are satanists? Is it the lyrics? Or the harsh and beast like sounds? Or was it people like "I wish I could play like that..." ? Not saying that metal is all there is, but I`m kind of interested how it all became evil?
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It's been a hard Christmas for me in many ways, It's been the the first without my dad who was my best friend. But I was determined that even after all the tough times I've been through these past few months that I would honour the commitments that I made for the Christmas period, it's meant hard work but I have thoroughly enjoyed it and spent time with a lot of fantastic and interesting people.
It's a simple question, tell us about the best Christmas present that you ever received and why it means so much to you. I'll start the ball rolling.
I've had many 'best' Christmas presents, but one of them I got this year. Daft as it may sound to many it was a half a glass of wine and it means more to me that all of the expensive presents that I received. The reason is soppy but simple really.
Ten of us worked hard, but we enjoyed it, we cooked six medium sized turkeys and four ham joints, prepared and cooked approximately fifty pounds of potatoes, twenty ponds each of broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and sprouts and a gallon of gravy. To follow that ten large Christmas puddings and a gallon of custard. We also made up nearly eighty small hampers each containing a few sandwiches, a couple of mince pies, a slice of Christmas cake and a few other little goodies. We fed as many people as we could yesterday, nothing was left over, some where homeless, some were lonely and some are on very low incomes. Those that could afford to left a small donation, all showed their appreciation by saying thank you, that in itself means a lot and all that we hoped for. But one small group of homeless people had chipped in and bought a bottle of wine to present to us, between ten of us we got about a half a glass each. We were all moved by this small but meaningful gesture from people that have so little. It means a lot to us as it was a gift from the heart, this made even more enjoyable.
Please share with us what your best present was and why.
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Jesse 101: The Musical
Music
Track List
- Video Killed The Radio Star (Ben Folds Five Cover Of The Buggles) - General Theme
- Images Of Heaven (Peter Godwin) - Dream Out Of Reach
- Billboard (If I’m Honest) (Jacob Whitesides) - Taken For Granted
- Show You (Shawn Mendes) - Not Settling For Second Place
- He Likes Boys (Simone Battle) - Lori’s Deal
- All Eyes On You (St. Lucia) - Chance Encounters
- Shooting Stars (Bag Raiders) - Bridging The Gap
- Two Weeks (Grizzly Bear) - Return To Distance
- Dazed And Confused (Ruel) - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
- Take On Me (A-ha) - Risk and Reward
- Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney) - In Love With Your No. 1 Fan
- Midnight City (M83) - Dreaming While Awake
- Boys Just Want To Have Fun (Team Heartbreak) - Giggles and Gumdrops
- Tongue Tied (Geographer) - More Than A Memory
- Kiss The Boy (Keiynan Lonsdale) - Momentum
- Obvious (CHPTRS) - Something Better, Something Real (Jesse 101 Love Theme)
- Touch (Troye Sivan) - Eight and A Half Minutes
- Who We Are (Tristan Prettyman) - The Madness and the Ache
- Internet Killed The Video Star (The Limousines) - Counter-Theme
- Obvious (Alternate Version) (CHPTRS) - Love Theme Reprise
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Video Killed The Radio Star (Ben Folds Five Cover Of The Buggles) - General Theme
I heard you on the wireless back in fifty two
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through
Oh a oh
They took the credit for your second symphony
Rewritten by machine on new technology
And now I understand the problems you can see
Oh a oh
I met your children
Oh a oh
What did you tell them?
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Pictures came and broke your heart
Oh, a, a, a, oh
And now we meet in an abandoned studio
We hear the playback and it seems so long ago
And you remember the jingles used to go
Oh-a oh
You were the first one
Oh-a oh
You were the last one
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone to far
Oh-a-aho oh
Oh-a-aho oh
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone too far
Pictures came and broke your heart
Put down the blame on VCR
Oh, you are a radio star
You are a radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Images Of Heaven (Peter Godwin) - Dream Out Of Reach
Nothing is sacred
So, give me your soul
Nothing is wasted
On someone like you
Somebody killed me
And tore out my heart, my love
Somebody killed me
Because of you
And there's nothing I can do
The media made you
There's nothing I can do
'cause you don't exist
you don't exist
Just images of heaven
that take me to hell
Images of heaven
Of something to sell
Images of heaven
Images of heaven
Something possessed me
An image of you, my love
Video visions
That play on my mind
Nobody blessed me
With power to reach, my love
When you're an illusion
You can still be divine
And nobody believes
In this new religion
Yeah nobody believes
'cause nobody sees
nobody sees
Images of heaven
Take me to hell
Images of heaven
of something to sell
Images of heaven
Images of heaven
Images of heaven
Images of heaven
And there's nothing I can do
The camera made you
There's nothing I can do
'Cause you don't exist
You don't exist
Just images of heaven
that take me to hell
Images of heaven
Of something to sell
Images of heaven
Images of heaven
Billboard (If I’m Honest) (Jacob Whitesides) - Taken For Granted
Hello
Where have you been?
You're about to miss it all
I would give anything to hear you call
If I'm honest
Sometimes
It's all that I can do to keep my head up high
I'm like a book with empty pages inside
Cold wind blowing through the window shade
I'm calling, what else can I say?
I'm like a billboard in the sky
How many times you passed me by-y-y
You passed me by
You're like a blinking neon light
How many times I bought your lies
Sometimes I wonder why
If I'm honest
My life
It's not as easy as I make you think
I close my eyes and I try not to blink
If I'm honest
Cold wind blowing through the window shade
I'm falling faster each and every day
I'm like a billboard in the sky
How many times you passed me by-y-y
You passed me by
You're like a blinking neon light
How many times I bought your lies
Sometimes I wonder why
Come back, come back
Please don't leave me all alone
Come back, come back
I'm right here
Come back, come back
I'm willing if you are
I'm like a billboard in the sky
How many times you passed me by
You passed me by
You're like a blinking neon light
How many times I bought your lies
Sometimes I wonder why
I'm like a billboard in the sky
How many times you passed me by
Passed me by
You're like a blinking neon light
How many times I bought your lies
Sometimes I wonder why
If I'm honest
Show You (Shawn Mendes) - Not Settling For Second Place
You can’t walk the streets at night
You're way too short to get on this ride
No I'm not, no I'm not, they're tryna tell me that I
I gotta be home when the street lights glow?
You can’t watch your TV show
I will watch what I wanna watch
No, won’t listen to you, do what I wanna do
And I will walk this road ahead
One hundred miles on my hands
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
And if you don't believe me now
I'll flip the whole world upside down
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
Watch me swim across this lake
Fly through the sky in my Superman cape
Watch me walk across this wire
Tip-toe through the coals of a blazing fire
Watch me fly this kite in the rain
I’ll jump rope with my ball and chain
Come by and knock on my house of cards
If it falls I'll rebuild it from the start
I won’t listen to you, do what I wanna do
And I will walk this road ahead
One hundred miles on my hands
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
And if you don't believe me now
I'll flip the whole world upside down
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?
Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out
If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds
I don’t know what you heard about, listen to me yell it loud
Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?
Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out
If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds
I don’t know what you heard about, see that door I'll knock it down
And I will walk this road ahead
One hundred miles on my hands
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
And if you don't believe me now
I'll flip the whole world upside down
Do I need to show you?
Guess I gotta show you
Do I really gotta show you now? Really, really, really, gotta show you now?
Do I really gotta spell it out? I-T, I spelled it out
If you really wanna see me now? Watch me walk across the clouds
Do I need to show you? Guess I gotta show you
He Likes Boys (Simone Battle) - Lori’s Deal
Sexy hair, gorgeous smile
He's the most perfect guy
I've come across
In a while
Sensitive, real sweet
He even watches Desperate Housewives
With me
My heart's beating like a mini drum
I told my best friends he's the one
I said I think that I'm in love this time
They told me something that could change my mind
He likes boys
Finally now it's all making sense
He likes boys
I like this guy but he's on the fence
He likes boys
Can't believe this happened again
He likes boys
oh oh boys oh oh
Manicured, finger tips
He dresses like an American Apparel mannequin
Guess it is kind of odd
That he's a such a big fan of Lady Gaga
My heart's beating like a mini drum
I don't believe he will lead me on
But now I'm startin' to see all the signs
Is it true? Have I lost my mind?
He likes boys
Finally now it's all making sense
He likes boys
I like this guy but he's on the fence
He likes boys
Can't believe it's happened again
He likes boys
oh oh boys oh oh
He likes boys
Finally now it's all making sense
He likes boys
I like this guy but he's on the fence
He likes boys
Can't believe it's happened again
He likes boys
oh oh boys oh oh
I don't think I could take
This kind of rejection
I guess it's time to take it in
My gaydar needs some inspection
I thought him an me
Were the perfect we
I guess I'll move on to plan B
We both like vintage shopping
and we both like
Boys
Finally now it's all making sense
We like boys
It's a love story with a twist
We like boys
I find a new gay best friend
He likes boys
oh oh boys oh oh boys
We like boys
Finally now it's all making sense
We like boys
It's a love story with a twist
He likes boys
All Eyes On You (St. Lucia) - Chance Encounters
I will never take back
The words that I said then
I will always come back to you
Even in the meantime
I will always stand by
A mirror on the shelf
Call you in the nighttime
Call you in the daytime
Can't fess up to you
'Cause I hope
We will never have to take back
What we said in the night
I hope that I will always have
All eyes on you
Know that I will take what I can
When you are there standing by
Soft, spoken in the dead of night
All eyes on you
I will never take back
The words that I said then
I always knew I'd come back to you
Even in the meantime
I will always stand by
A mirror on the shelf
'Cause I hope
We will never have to take back
What we said in the night
I hope that I will always have
All eyes on you
Know that I will take what I can
When you are there standing by
Soft, spoken in the dead of night
All eyes on you
I hope
We will never have to take back
What we said in the night
I hope that I will always have
All eyes on you
Know that I will take what I can
When you are there standing by
Soft, spoken in the dead of night
All eyes on you
[x3]
All eyes on you
All eyes on you
Shooting Stars (Bag Raiders) - Bridging The Gap
It's late and I'm awake
Staring at the wall
Open up my window
Head floats out the door
No one else around
The shimmer takes my eye
I lift my head
Blinded by the sky
Feel my weight in front
Following the sound
Moves away so fast
Fall down to the ground
I know there's more to come
Jump back to my feet
Now I only see ahead of me
Chasing down the street
Gave my love to a Shooting Star
But he moves so fast
That I can't keep up
I'm chasing
I'm in love with a Shooting Star
But he moves so fast
When he falls then
I'll be waiting
Two Weeks (Grizzly Bear) - Return To Distance
Save up all the days
A routine malaise
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Would you always?
Maybe sometimes?
Make it easy?
Take your time
Think of all the ways
Momentary phase
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Every time you try
Quarter half a mile
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Would you always?
Maybe sometimes?
Make it easy?
Take your time
Would you always?
Maybe sometimes?
Make it easy?
Take your time
Always
Sometimes
Easy
Time
Dazed And Confused (Ruel) - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
You came in swinging like Apollo
I'll be feeling it tomorrow
No, I ain't seeing straight, hyperventilate
Knees begin to wobble
You cut my brakes and hit the throttle
I couldn't stop it if I wanted
Dizzy silhouette, makes me break a sweat
I'm in trouble
Oh, I've been Dazed and Confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me dazed and confused
Dazed
Dazed and Confused
Dazed
I bet you know just what you're doing
You're not the type that's used to losing
First, you build me up, then with just a touch
Leave me here in ruins
Something 'bout your eyes
I can't even walk in a straight line
Under the influence
Oh, I've been Dazed and Confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me Dazed and Confused
Dazed
Dazed and Confused
Dazed
I don't know if this is real life, real life
What happens if I open my eyes, my eyes?
Will I ever get my head right, head right?
I don't know if this is real life, real life
Oh, I've been dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me
That's got me Dazed and Confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me Dazed and Confused
Take On Me (A-ha) - Risk and Reward
We're talking away,
I don't know what
I'm to say...
I'll say it anyway:
Today's another day to find you,
Shying away.
I'll be coming for your love, okay?
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone,
In a day or two.
So, needless to say,
I'm odds and ends.
But I'll be,
Stumbling away,
Slowly learning that life is okay, though
Say after me,
"It's no better to be safe than sorry"
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone,
In a day or two.
The things that you say,
Oh, is it life, or
Just to blame my worries away?
You're all the things I've got to remember.
You're shying away,
I'll be coming for you anyway.
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone,
In a day or two.
Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney) - In Love With Your No. 1 Fan
[Intro:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me
[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c'mon let's try
[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Am I crazy for wanting you?
Maybe do you think you could want me too?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do?
I just wanna know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide
[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Ooooooo
Beautiful soul, yeah
Oooooo, yeah
Your beautiful soul
Yeah
Midnight City (M83) - Dreaming While Awake
Waiting in the car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
At night the night city grows
Look at the horizon glow
Waiting in the car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
Drinking in the lights
Following the neon signs
Waiting for a word
Looking at the milky skyline
The city is my church (city is my church)
It wraps me in its blinding twilight
Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time
Boys Just Want To Have Fun (Team Heartbreak) - Giggles and Gumdrops
(Funny take on Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)
Tongue Tied (Grouplove) - More Than A Memory
Take me to your best friend's house
Go around this roundabout
Oh yeah
Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then and I love you now
Oh yeah
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Right!
Take me to your best friend's house
Marmalade we're making out
Oh yeah
Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then and I love you now
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Right!
One, two, three, four
Don't leave me tongue tied
Let's stay up all night
I'll get real high
Slumber party; pillow fight
My eyes on your eyes
Like Peter Pan up in the sky
My best friend's house tonight
Let's bump the beats till beddy-bye
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't kiss me goodnight
Don't...
Take me to your best friend's house
Go around this roundabout
Oh yeah
Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then and I love you now
[2x]
Don't leave me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't leave me tongue tied
Don't...
Kiss The Boy (Keiynan Lonsdale) - Momentum
I've been afraid of my place
Of this way
Of my feelings
But I'm amazed at how we talk
It's so chill
But there's tension
What was the deal when your eyes locked on me
What was the deal when you smiled at me like that
You see I try to be cool
But the problem is
You messing my emotions up
My air gets stuck
I'm scared to show just how I feel 'cause people talk
Don't want to worry 'bout whatever
Just got to know your deal
See, half the time I'm wondering if this is real
Why not say something's on my mind if I feel love
But when the moment's right I freeze
That's how I know my heart is his
If you want to kiss the boy
Then you better kiss the boy right now
You ain't got to be afraid
Of the words you want to say right now
'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud
So if you wanna
Then you better kiss the boy
Oh, you better kiss the boy right now
Give into love
Give into love
Give it the time
Give it the time
If it's all a movie
Then you'll see
It's only about us two
But the cost of trust is that you could throw it away
Maybe it's overrated
I probably shouldn't chase it
But I can't stop the crazy within
You messing my emotions up
My head gets stuck
I'm scared to show just how I feel 'cause people talk
Don't want to worry 'bout whatever
Just got to know your deal
See, half the time I'm wondering if this is real
I might not say the one thing on my mind
'Cause it's too tough
But we lose our chance when we don't try
On second thought
Yeah, I think I might
So if you want to kiss the boy
Then you better kiss the boy right now
(right now, right now)
You ain't got to be afraid
Of the words you want to say right now
'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud
So if you wanna
Then you better kiss the boy
Oh, you better kiss the boy right now
Don't want to hide
Don't want to hide
Most of my life I've been terrified
Spending my days always questioning
Am I wrong to love a man
I realized
I realized
Ain't gotta hide this heart of mine
I'm gonna fight just to let you know
To open your light and let it glow
So if you want to kiss the boy
Then you better kiss the boy right now
(Oh, yeah)
You ain't gotta be afraid
Of the words you want to say right now
(You gotta say it baby)
'Cause love is a game we deserve to play out loud
(We deserve our love)
So if you want to play
Then you better kiss the boy
Oh, you better kiss the boy right now
If you want to kiss the boy
Then you better kiss the boy right now
Obvious (CHPTRS) - Something Better, Something Real
Don’t tell me to calm down.
Look all around us here
Fall. It’s easy to see from down here
If I’m not swinging then the war is won
Caught beforehand
falling forward
All in front of us
Light bestowed
the heavens open
Was it obvious?
Isn’t it obvious?
You were right in front of me
with the answer
with the answer
Sign on the dotted line
in the hands of authority now
All that’s left now is time
Touch (Troye Sivan) - Eight and A Half Minutes
Glow is low and it's dimming
And the silence is ringing
And I can almost feel your breath
I can almost feel the rest
Night is young and we're living
Hands move, moving steady
And the time is moving slower
I can feel we're getting closer, closer
Standing in the eye of the storm
My eyes start to roam
To the curl of your lips
In the center of eclipse
In total darkness I, I reach out and touch
My mind's gone on racing
On a horse that's escaping
And I'm ready to jump,
Yeah, I'm ready to swim
Life is chances that are taken
But nothing's ever broken
They're just pieces on the ground
New hands need to build them
My mind's gone on running
My hands cut loose
Yeah, but there's no need for answers
Just the things you gotta do
And I need you to trust
That I'm lost and we must
Get past all these rules
We must choose
To reach out and touch
Standing in the eye of the storm
My eyes start to roam
To the curl of your lips
In the center of eclipse
In total darkness I, reach out and...
Standing in the eye of the storm
My eyes start to roam
To the curl of your lips
In the center of eclipse
In total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch
Who We Are (Tristan Prettyman) - The Madness and the Ache
I would grant all your wishes
If you promised me a thousand kisses
I will never, love another, like you
So give me all your secrets
your fear and doubts, honey you don’t need them
I will never, find another, like you
And the airs getting thin
Where the wings meet the wind
We see it, we can feel it and we know this
I believe in something more
all the days that came before
led us right to where we are
right to where we are
it’s all written in the stars
we’ve already come so far
and we can’t change who we are
ah ah who we are
ohhhhhhhh who we are
ohhhhhhhh who we are
I don’t have all the answers
but right now is all the matters
I could never, love another, like I loved you
And we don’t have to understand
fate always has the upper hand
and fate choose me and you
Internet Killed The Video Star (The Limousines) - Counter-Theme
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
I try to tell them, "Hey, that drum machine ain't got no soul"
But they don't want to listen, no
They think they've heard it all
They trade those guitars in for drum machines and disco balls
We can't rewind now; we've gone too far
Internet killed the video star
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
You know we never listen; we think we've seen it all
Like everything we're doing, no one's ever done before
Did you hear what they said?
That rock and roll is dead?
Yeah, it's like a zombie: it will dig itself back up again
Tune in the signal but it's fading
Some ghost strumming his guitar on the radio
Singing, "Oh, the glory days are gone
But everything's okay, 'cause we still love our sex and drugs
Just like the good ol' days"
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
Well, I'm a horrible dancer; I ain't gonna lie
But I'll be damned if that means that I ain't gonna try
Yeah, I'm a shitty romancer, baby; I ain't gonna lie
But I'll be damned if that means that I ain't gonna try
Get up, get up, get up, and dance
Get up, get up, get up, and dance
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
The kids are disco-dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
Don't bother telling them that drum machine ain't got no soul
The kids are disco dancing
They're tired of rock and roll
They're tired of rock and roll
They're tired of rock and roll
We can't rewind now; we've gone too far, oh
The Internet killed the video star
The Internet killed the video star
The Internet killed the video star
Obvious (Alternate Version) (CHPTRS) - Love Theme Reprise
Love-in till fade-out.
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Paycheck Addict
I did a lot of research over the years trying to find the cheapest place in the world to live. The cheapest I found was about $500 dollars a month in Vietnam. I had no clue what the cost of living would be in the Philippines when I moved here last February. To my surprise, it is only about $200 dollars a month for a small home and everything I need, including the most important thing; the internet.
I left my job in New York City for several reasons, but the most important one was because I had no retirement plan and needed to start getting serious about my future. So I quit my job and cut off all ties to my paycheck addiction.
Having been here for 10 months, my small savings is about depleted. Facing the real possibility of going broke is scary, but I am not focused on that. I’m focused on succeeding and believe I will, as I have no other choice.
It is said that one of the best ways to motivate oneself to succeed is to cut off all ties to plan B. That is what I did and now I will see if that was a super smart thing to do or extremely foolish.
In moving to the Philippines, my plan was to start an online business here, which I have just begun. Now, I not only need to start earning money to continue surviving, but to move on to my next big adventure; Sicily. My plan is to move to Palermo, where I spent a month 5 years ago. While there, I dated several guys and had a really great time even though I could not speak their language.
Starting a business can be a fairly quick and easy thing to do. But being a creative person who is married to my talents, I could never start just any business. I had to create my business from within- bringing my talents as a writer and artist to life. So while I could have started any business as soon as I got to the Philippines, I have been busy- up to now- creating.
I only recently finished and published my novel, TO BE HIS LIFE - When A Straight Man Strays. The toughest part to get just right was the first interactions and sexual encounters between the main character, Mikey Lane, and the straight guy, Cole Landry. To fully evolve those scenes and Cole's character, I had to write Cole's character using a straight friend I know and love dearly. Once I did that, Cole's character and scenes evolved into what they needed to be. Since doing that, I have made it a rule to always use a real person I know in writing every character and scene, even if it is a minor character- like a waitress. Having done this in this novel, I have created some of the story’s best scenes in the most unlikely places with the most minor characters.
While creating my products to sell took me a long time, that is not the hardest part of starting a business. The hardest part is marketing. I have been doing a lot of studying lately on this to get myself up to speed, but I am still lacking. I wish I had studied marketing long ago. It is something everyone who wants to start a business should do first, as it is what ultimately determines ones success or failure.
I have also done a lot of studying on the law of attraction; aiming to better manifest the things I want to achieve in my life. But I have found some of these teachings problematic. One is that I don’t hear enough teachers telling people to try. Instead, they tell people they must absolutely believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that something is going to happen in order for them to manifest it. That is total bullshit. One of the biggest reasons people fail is because they never try. To succeed, you have to try. I am a high achiever and some of my greatest successes have resulted from facing my fears and doubts and trying to achieve the most difficult things regardless of how impossible they seemed.
Trying to succeed despite my fears is what I am busy doing right now. Not having enough money to buy a ticket out of the Philippines, I have every reason to be afraid. My back is up against the wall. There is no plan B. This is it. I have to start making money or else.
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Latest Entry
Twenty Years
Twenty years ago today, on December 1, 1998, the Miami-Dade County Commission approved the addition of sexual orientation to the county’s human rights ordinance. The battle many had fought over the past year culminated in victory. A temporary achievement since the hateful Christian Coalition worked to place the decision on the ballot the following year. They lost.
For over a year, I helped increase awareness, raise money, conduct outreach, lobby politicians, debate homophobes, and granted countless interviews to the media. I was called vile names by those professing their Christianity often enough my dislike for the religion became permanent. To this day, any mention of Christian values makes me frown.
On that fateful morning, my boyfriend and I awoke in darkness and were in front of the Commission chambers by sunrise. With hateful chants as background, I spoke to National Public Radio, The New York Times, the Voice of America, Armed Forces Radio, and who knows how many more outlets in both English and Spanish. My fifteen minutes of fame thanks to the marketing people thinking I spoke well and came across as a level-headed individual. Ha! Seeing my name on the front page of the Times and listening to the NPR report the following morning was a thrill. I still have the newspaper and a cassette of the radio show.
However, the most wonderful part of the experience was working with the men and women who made the day’s events possible. Maybe it was not on par with the promise made by the signers of the Declaration of Independence to “mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our Sacred Honor,” but to me it was close. The time and financial commitment made by many propelled us to victory.
Liebe Gadinsky stands out amongst all. The mother of two and her husband became friends, and although we rarely communicate these days, I will treasure the time I spent with them for as long as I live. Liebe and Seth were proof that the fight for our humanity was not limited to GLBT community members, but encompassed caring individuals who felt discrimination was unjust.
Many of you dislike and dismiss political involvement, I read the comments often enough when I posted a story revolving around a presidential campaign. As an aside, my involvement back then influenced much of what I wrote in that book. I would like you all to remember that without drag queens fighting in front of the Stonewall Inn in 1969 or volunteers canvassing throughout Miami in 1998, most of us would be hiding in the back of a closet too scared to live. Go out, give money, volunteer, make phone calls, write letters; do whatever it takes to elect individuals who will not treat us as second-class citizens.
It was the experience of a lifetime and I am grateful I was part of such a momentous event. My participation also allowed me to keep a promise I made when the Anita Bryant-backed forces led to the overturn of a similar ordinance in 1977. I swore that if the issue arose again, I would not remain quiet. I am glad I did not.
I’ll close with Margaret Mead’s words: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has”
https://www.nytimes.com/1998/12/02/us/2-decades-on-miami-endorses-gay-rights.html
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A Shifting Life
I had probably the most enjoyable Thanksgiving ever last week. For the first time I didn't spend it with family, and instead did it with friends. I wish I had figured out how much more enjoyable it was doing it this way sooner, but better late then never. My boyfriend lives in New York, so Tuesday after work I hopped on a train up there to spend my Thanksgiving break with him. He had to bring his mom to the airport that night, so I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and we had dinner and drinks. Meeting up with someone you haven't seen in awhile is so much fun. You have so much to talk about, and can just go on and on catching up with each other. We hung out for almost four hours before finally saying goodbye. My boyfriend took off Wednesday, and we went exploring around some potential neighborhoods I could live in when I move there. That night we went to a house party of these two daddies who have this beautiful apartment in Hell's Kitchen, then went to a drag show at Therapy. While I'm not a big fan of drag, it was fun just getting drunk and hanging out with a group of people. Thursday morning I was supposed to take the train out to Long Island for thanksgiving with family, but was really dreading going. I love my family, but put all together at once they can be a lot to handle.
Them: Oh you're gay?
Me: Yeah.
Them: Well you're still having kids right??
Me: No.
Them: Well you're still young, you'll change your mind eventually!
Me: Okay.
As I was about to leave for Penn Station, I checked the Long Island Rail Road app for service advisories. If I believed in a god, I would say he granted me a miracle. There was a downed power line at one of the stations and it was causing huge delays and cancellations throughout the whole system. It gave me the perfect excuse to stay in the city. So instead, I plus-oned with my boyfriend to a friends-giving on the Upper West Side. It was cool because they live half a block from Central Park West, which is right where the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade goes through, so we watched a bit of the parade until it got too cold. It was the first time I'd ever seen the parade in person. We spent the next nine hours all just getting drunk, eating tons of food, gossiping, and just enjoying a big 'ole gay thanksgiving. It was an interesting mix of guys too. You had guys in their 60s all the way down to guys like us in our 20s. You had millionaire tech executives (the guy who hosted it all) to a guy who is a professional escort, to everyone in-between. I've been spending more and more weekends up in New York, and every time it gets harder and more depressing to go back home.
I guess life here has changed a lot recently, and mostly not for the better. My roommate and best friend moved out of state, and she was a big source of support in my life. Another very close friend of mine got a new job and moved to Germany with his boyfriend. He has been my closest gay friend and party buddy since we met 3 years ago. With him gone, that has left a big social void too. I used to go out every weekend, and now I've only been out here in the city once in the last two months (and that was for his going-away party). To make matters worse, another close friend of mine moved with his boyfriend out to the far-flung suburbs and doesn't come into the city much anymore. He was probably my first real gay friend that I met back in college, and we've stayed close since. So I now have no close friends left around me on a daily basis, and not much of a social life to be had here anymore because of it. Because I know that I am moving next year and also because I'm so busy with other stuff, I've stopped investing much into my life here in Philly. I'm not really trying to make new friends, I'm not getting involved in anything outside of what I already am, and am instead putting that energy into making connections, both professionally and personally, in New York. I just don't see a reason to start over again here when I know I'm going to leave. I see investing in the future as a better option. That being said, I'm a bit sad at losing so much of what I had of my life here. I love this city with all my heart, and it gave me a great start in life. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I've come out in one piece.
I'm also entering the final stretch of grad school, and the workload has absolutely skyrocketed. I'm routinely putting in 60 hours a week between work and school. Because I don't have much of a life here anymore, I've started falling into the workaholic mode again, which makes me low-level depressed. In a way it works, because I have so much that needs to get done and get done right that being able to focus like I do is important. In the next six months, I need to finish up all my remaining classes, take the New York State licensing tests (multiple ones), and then begin applying and interviewing for public school teaching jobs in New York City, which is a feat unto itself. If even the littlest piece has a crack, it throws off the entire plan. I'm such a nervous wreck right now because trying to balance all this for the next six months is exhausting and there's still so much time left to go. I am so motivated though. The one dream I've always had was to live in New York, and now I'll finally have the earning power to afford a good life there. My boyfriend lives there, and I definitely see long-term potential for us.
I'm of the attitude right now that this phase is just the challenge before the prize. If it all goes according to plan, I'll have the life I always dreamed of when I was a closeted 16 year old kid growing up in a depressing small town. I'm hoping it'll make the moment it all comes together that much more satisfying. Until then, I just gotta suck it up and push through.
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College Weeks 11, 12, & 13
Howdy y'all!
These last few weeks have been busy for me, to say the least.
Without further ado, let's begin!
PHYS 2425: In Week 11, we finished up on waves. My professor went over sound waves, the Doppler Effect, and finally the superposition of waves. In Week 12, we began new material, this time on Temperature. We learned about four different temperature scales: Celsius, Fahrenheit, Kelvin, and Rankine. We then learned how the raising and lowering of temperatures can affect the shape of objects, whether they are solids, liquids, or gases. Speaking of that last phase, my professor also went over the Ideal Gas Law. (And no, @Headstall, it's not how many 'pffts' a day are ideal.
) Anyways, Week 12 was also Exam Week for Physics. And... it was difficult. The median score for that exam was 58%. Well over half my class failed the third exam. And honestly, I am surprised that I didn't fail this exam, but it's not worth celebrating given how so few actually passed. Next, we have Week 13, this was Thanksgiving Week, so it would be a short one for classes. The College was open as usual on Monday and Tuesday, and closed at noon on Wednesday. So, in Physics, on Monday, we learned about Heat. And that's it for lectures this week. Wednesday morning, instead of the usual lecture, my professor held an Ask Me Anything for his classes. It was not mandatory, so students could choose to attend or not. I attended and it was really interesting. We ended up asking him about black holes, dark energy and dark matter. And, it just shows that is PhD was well deserved.
MATH 2414: Week 11 was basically a review on what we learned since Exam 1, because Exam 2 was coming up. My teacher told us that this exam would be long, so it wouldn't be held during class, but would be taken in the Testing Center, which gives us as much time as we need to finish it. And as it turned out, it took me four hours to finish the second exam. Week 12 is when thing got interesting. We learned about the Indeterminate Form of the Limit, which led us to learning about L'Hopital's Rule. Basically, Indeterminate Forms are limits equal things like 0/0 or infinity over infinity. L'Hopital's rule simply state's that the limit (as x approaches c) of f(x)/g(x) is equal to the the limit (as x approaches c) of f'(x)/g'(x). In short, if you take the derivative of the numerator and of the denominator, you can find the limit that isn't in an indeterminate form. Next, we learned about Improper integrals, and how to use the limit to solve them. Then, in Week 12 things got really interesting. We learned about infinite sequences. And then, Week 13 came along... @Parker Owens Can you guess what we learned next?
SpoilerSeries
These next few weeks are gonna be fun!
ENGR 1201: During Week 11, we prepared for an Exam on Universal Units. (Can y'all see the pattern here?) Then in Week 12, we took the exam and I got an A on it! Finally, on Monday of Week 13, we went to a computer lab to work on a computer program called MATLAB. Apparently it does things better than a graphing calculator so I was intrigued. But... the computers wouldn't work as they were supposed to. So, those plans were scrapped. Instead, she had us work on our design projects.
Question: In regards to Physics, on Exam 1, the median score was 66, on Exam 2 it was 69, and on Exam 3 it was 58. The teacher has the responsibility to teach the material and the student has the responsibility to study that material. The question is, who has greater responsibility, the teacher or the student? Or do they bear equal responsibility. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Finally: I'm now registered for Spring 2019. I'll be taking the following classes:
- Principles of Physics II
- Calculus III
- Differential Equations
- Engineering Mechanics I (Statics)
I'm looking forward to next semester!
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Thanksgiving and the Adhesion Among Men
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Thanksgiving and the Adhesion Among Men
@Parker Owens brought a certain song to my attention yesterday. I did a little digging on The Vacant Chair and learned a thing or two. Although the lyrics portray a Civil War family mourning the loss of a beloved son, the poem was actually written in tribute to love. Henry Stevenson Washburn was 48 years old when he met and watched 18-year-old John William Grout lead a charge and die in the Battle of Ball’s Bluff. The young lieutenant must have meant a great deal to the poet, and since the death occurred near the time of Thanksgiving, he imagined himself as a loved one gathered around the table with the rest of the dead boy’s family.
This is the poem he wrote in tribute.
The Vacant Chair
We shall meet but we shall miss him.
There will be one vacant chair.
We shall linger to caress him,
While we breathe our ev'ning prayer.
When a year ago we gathered,
Joy was in his mild blue eye.
But a golden cord is severed.
And our hopes in ruin lie.
We shall meet, but we shall miss him.
There will be one vacant chair.
We will linger to caress him,
When we breathe our ev'ning prayer.
At our fireside, sad and lonely,
Often will the bosom swell,
At remembrance of the story,
How our noble Willie fell.
How he strove to bear our banner,
Thro' the thickest of the fight,
And uphold our country's honor
In the strength of manhood's might.
We shall meet, but we shall miss him.
There will be one vacant chair.
We will linger to caress him,
When we breathe our ev'ning prayer.
Composer George Root set it to music and moved the entire nation, both North and South. Here is a straightforward, but emotionally charged recording of the song.
By the end of the war, and the carnage wrought by the murder of the president, Washburn and Root’s song took on national significance at Thanksgiving time.
Walt Whitman memorialized the slain war hero like this:
O how shall I warble myself for the dead one there I loved?
And how shall I deck my song for the large sweet soul that has gone?
And what shall my perfume be for the grave of him I love?
Sea-winds blown from east and west,
Blown from the Eastern sea and blown from the Western sea, till there on the prairies meeting,
These and with these and the breath of my chant,
I'll perfume the grave of him I love.
And so I bid you all a happy Thanksgiving, and feel it’s appropriate to remember those who made this day about family and love.
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Thankful
It’s Thanksgiving here in the US. A day when many people see family they rarely get to, (or have to) spend time with. A day that seems devoted to overeating, over drinking, and over-indulgences of other kinds rather than being thankful. It’s a day when we see pictures like Rockwell’s Thanksgiving classic “Freedom From Want” or the dinner scene from Charlie Brown’s thanksgiving and we feel all nostalgic. Those of us, who grew up here, recall the stories of the Pilgrim’s and their celebration of a successful harvest. There is much more involved in this, of course there is. Isn’t there always? One of my favorite people here at GA, AC Benus, recently re-posted a great blog he wrote about this holiday. (https://gayauthors.org/blogs/entry/14069-the-first-thanksgiving-and-the-second-and-the-third…-with-a-recipe/
But, i digress. My little family, just the 5 of us, will celebrate quietly as we always do. Growing up, it was required that we kids be dressed up, and on our best behavior because 'what would everyone think' if we didn't. This was how all holidays with my family of origin were. It was stifling. That tradition carried over to when we were grown with children of our own. When we broke away, it was decided that holidays would be quiet, relaxed, no pressure, family days. Yes, i make a turkey, rolls, gravy, but not in any great amounts. We vote on it each year, “What do we want to do this year?” We’ll probably all be in sweats, track pants, and slippers. There will be laughter, dogs barking, and siblings teasing each other almost to tears. There will be parades, football, maybe a movie, and naps.
And there will be a moment, after i have all the food on the table (which is something that brings me great joy) where we will stand and look at each other and we will say, from the heart, things that we are grateful for. For many years, this has brought me to tears. It touches me deeply to hear the kids saying
meaningful things about their lives and about each other.
This year, i’m thankful for my Husband, and that He cares for me as He does. i’m grateful that my health has improved. i’m so very thankful for all of you i know well. I’m thankful for those of you i call family, and for those of you i’ve just met. As well, i’m very grateful for the acceptance that i have found, and that others have found here.
And so, I’m going to ask, what are you thankful for?
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the places you enter
I haven't been around much, but then, over the course of the last year, I haven't really done much in the way of writing. Most day, I feel like as soon as I get started i'm too tired to keep going and when I read what I wrote it reads like gibberish to me. For awhile there, I started to think that I shouldn't bother anymore, but then story ideas started flowing on to storyboards around my office, and I decided to leave the cork boards up to see if anything got done. Ech, it's slow, but something is trying to emerge. its funny, because some days I will have all these ideas and inspiration, but the get up and go dies right out of the gate and meh, its easier to sit in my easy chair beside my dog and watch tv instead of create something. I probably need to get out more and most likely rambling here, but a few weeks back I remembered how much I used to look forward to popping in here, hanging out on the chat and in the forums and interacting with people, and kicked myself for letting time get so far away from me. This whole year has felt like it's slipped away, or maybe it was just the meds I've been on making things seem out of sorts, I don't know i'm still trying to figure that part out. anyway, I'm back, put up a new story, fingers crossed I finish it. If anyone wanted to read anything else I've done that's not here, you can find it under Layla Dorine, there's some novels and stories and stuff out there. Happy reading. Drop me a line and say hi if you'd like, I need to crawl back out of my shell again.
The Places You Enter
Tell me what you fear
And I’ll tell you what I am
What you are
what is coming
Prophesy
My white eye sees death
My green one the depth of your shriveled soul
I walk paths of cobblestone
Footsteps splashing puddles
tracing echoes of memory
Shattered by cawing crows
Black wings tipped with red
Fluttering
Falling without souls to curry
No words to carry on
I ride nightmares in a distant holler
Searching for a place to hide
To change
grow
shifting
Evolving
You know you can’t destroy me
Killing what I am
Would be killing what you’ll be
When it all crashes to an end
Enter
Hold the door
what you gain
may be less
than what you leave behind
- 23
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Latest Entry
Frost is here!
![Frost: Hot and Cold Book 2 by [Nilsson, Märit]](https://gayauthors.org/applications/core/interface/imageproxy/imageproxy.php?img=https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41L5WuOkN%2BL.jpg&key=374533c40db81d0bc2dbdaa1139e633c3f6631696e1591d92412e6096a4ed3b3)
https://www.amazon.com/Frost-Hot-Cold-Book-2-ebook/dp/B07KCJC838/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
Well, even if I live at the edge of the world and snow is right around the corner, that is not what I'm talking about. No, believe it or not, Frost is now available at Amazon. I still can't believe my books are out there in the real world.
Thank you all again for all your support and kind words!
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Latest Entry
Goodbye my Love
I have been on very high antidepressant for a long time. My mental health deteriorated so much that it was unavoidable. The problem with these ‘happy pills’ is that, though they can safely curb your depression to a great extent, they can effectively turn you into a zombie. I literally lost my ability to feel any kind of deep emotions. Life became numb, with no ups and no downs. For a moment, I had to actually wonder if the emotion center of my brain actually got irreversibly damaged. Until, that is, I met you.
I didn’t want to come to class, but when you sat beside me and my eyes fell upon your face, I was so glad I did. Something shook inside me. Not only did I feel the emotions I thought I’d lost, but I felt them more strongly than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just your perfectly sculpted face (though I am as shallow as any other gay man, so yes, your beautifully handsome face made the first impression on me). It was your cheerful mannerism, your friendly gestures, your kind attitude … and so much that can’t be explained in words (or things even I couldn’t figure out). When you smiled, your nose used to wrinkle in an adorable way – a sight that is etched on my mind. I can’t forget how you used to keep sit for me, or ask me to keep one for you. I can’t forget how you once went to the front of the class on our sir’s insistence that one of us has to sit at the front of the column, and you chose to sacrifice for me. I cried thinking of you that day, and I still get teary eyed when I see your faced in my Facebook.
But then you slowly drifted apart. Was it my own fault? I started ‘hearting’ your photos on Facebook against my better judgement. You felt uneasy about my approach, I assume, and you started ignoring me. When we met, you were cordial, but not the same warm person you once were to me. And I understand. It was my fault. How can I be so flamboyant in my love? I treaded on your personal ground, I made you – presumably a straight man – uncomfortable in my overt expression of my love.
I deactivated my Facebook a long, long time ago, and kept it that way longer than I’d expected. But some dormant feeling inside me wanted to see you. I just wanted to see your playful eyes and that radiant smile one last time. And what a cruel surprise did I get when I opened your profile! You got married, to a girl just as beautiful as you. Maybe some good did come out of it. I swear I will not stalk you anymore because I know you are already taken. Good bye my love. I hope you all the best in your new life. May your life not be like mine. I hope you found what you were looking for in her, and you have a blessed life ahead. That’s all that matters to me. -
Latest Entry
Apology
I feel that I need to apologise to many of the members on here, especially those that befriended me after the loss of my father @cognac69, and offer an explanation of certain actions that were taken without my knowledge or consent.
I have decided to live in and take ownership of my father's apartment following the breakdown of a relationship.
As some may know my father had befriended and took under his wing a young man who had many problems in his life. I had started to grow close to Josh, but it appears that he didn't feel the same bond with me that he felt with my father. The loss of my father appears to have hit him as hard, or harder than it hit me.
I came home one night expecting to find Josh either surfing the net or playing on Ps4, we had been talking about him moving into the spare room here. What I found has shocked and upset me greatly and can never forget. There was a printed letter addressed to me in front of the computer. I won't go into detail about the contents of the letter, but Josh told me a lot about what he'd gone through in his life and how it affected him, including his struggles with his mental health. He also told me of his feelings for my father and how strong those feelings were, I'm not sure if it was hero worship or infatuation, but knowing him at least a little I'm giving his feelings the respect they deserve. Josh told me that he had fallen in love with my father and had hoped for a future relationship with him, and now felt that he had no future. Josh had accessed both mine and my father's accounts here and made changes including deleting my father's stories and my previous blog entries. I found Josh in bed after he had taken an overdose of sleeping pills.
Josh's family refused to acknowledge him in the same way that they had before he passed away. I made all the arrangements that were possible and his ashes are now with those of my father.
I don't want anyone to think badly of Josh, he had enough to deal with in life, dealing with grief was one thing too many.
I apologise to all of you who have read and commented on my father's stories or wanted to read them, and to those who read and responded to my previous blogs. I am hoping to get this rectified and will be contacting @Cia to ask for help in restoring them. I also apologise for the delay in coming on to take action regarding this, I hope that you will understand that none of this has been easy for me and I will be doing all in my power to rectify things.
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comments - 699
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Recent Entries
Latest Entry
A Child Of Sunset: Colby's Trail
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Track List
- After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Solitudes) - Overture
- Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower) - Mysterious Colby’s Theme
- At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind
- When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again
- I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search
- Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time
- Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’
- Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?
- Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness
- The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes
- Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song
- Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars
- Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell
- I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed
- Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?
- You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night
- Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre
- Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder
- I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal
- You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise
————————————
After The Sunset (Dan Gibson’s Soliturdes) - Overture
Gentle Overture For A Gentle Western Evening
Wayfaring Stranger (16 Horsepower) - Mysterious Colby’s Theme
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world below
There is no sickness, no toil, nor danger
In that bright land to which I go
I'm going there to see my Father
And all my loved ones who've gone on
I'm just going over Jordan
I'm just going over home
I know dark clouds will gather 'round me
I know my way is hard and steep
But beauteous fields arise before me
Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep
I'm going there to see my Father
He said he'd meet me when I come
So, I'm just going over Jordan
I'm just going over home
I'm just going over Jordan
I'm just going over home
At A Glance (Message To Bears) - Colby Finds Prey Of A Different Kind
Throw it down, look away
Don't be scared, it's okay
Settle down, set it right
Don't be scared, its alright
When The Lights Go Out (The Black Keys) - Longing For Sunset To See Him Again
Don't it hurt so bad
When you're standin’ in the sun
In the bottom of your heart
You don't love no one
You can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
You know what the sun's all about
When the lights go out
What a way to live
Back of your class
End of the line
Always last
You can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
You know what the sun's all about
When the lights go out
See the moon
See the stars
From your lonely seat
In your lonely cars
You can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
You know what the sun's all about
When the lights go out
I Waited For You (Daniel Norgren) - The End To A Long Search
Like the wondering ghost for a harbor
Like the ground beneath the snow for springtime
Like the believer for something to believe in
Like the drifting castaway for shoreline
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
I burned out my eyes on the horizon
Sunups in the east and sundowns in the west
I watched them all for just one reason
Sun came up or down, I couldn’t care less
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
I waited for you
All the way through
All the way down the line
I waited for you
Into My Arms (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds) - Holding Sweet Deacon For The First Time
I don’t believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
And I don’t believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that’s true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
But I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
Nobody ‘Cept You (16 Horsepower) - ‘Deacon Is Mine’
Nothin' 'round here to me that's sacred
'Cept you, yeah you
Nothin' 'round here to me that matters
'Cept you, yeah you
You're the one that reaches me
You're the one that I admire
Every time we meet together
I feel like I'm on fire
Nothin' matters to me
And there is nothin' I desire
'Cept you, yeah you
Nothin' 'round here I care to try for
'Cept you, yeah you
Got nothin' here to live or die for
'Cept you, yeah you
As a kid I'd hear it
In the churches all the time
Make me feel so good inside
So peaceful, so sublime
Now nothin' does remind me
Of that old familiar chime
'Cept you, yeah you
Used to run in the cemetery
Dance and run and sing when I was a child
And it never seemed strange
Now I just pass mournfully by
That place where the bones of life are piled
I know something has changed
I'm a stranger here and no one sees me
'Cept you, yeah you
Nothin' anymore seems to please me
'Cept you, yeah you
Your love hypnotizes me
It holds me in its spell
Everything runs by me
Just like water from a well
Everybody wants my attention
Everybody's got something to sell
'Cept you, yeah you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
Until The Night Is Over (Timbre Timbre) - How To Keep Him?
There is a house in New Orleans
Where you woke from a coma and they bit your cheek
And they cleaned you out when you went to sleep
Oh, I just wanna change your mind
I just wanna change your mind
And it might become right away
It might become till the day I'm done
And I saw it as the house caught fire
And I saw it when the thief got brave
It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard
And it's comin' over me in waves
But you're haunted by the morning sun
You keep digging till the night is over
I ain't no doctor, babe
I ain't no doctor, son
But I'll cool your fever till the doctor comes
It's a miracle, babe, but it ain't no fun
I just wanna change your mind
I just wanna change your mind
It might become right away
It might become till the day I'm done
And I saw it as the house caught fire
And I saw it when the thief got brave
It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard
And it's comin' over me in waves
But it's not here now
It's the chance of it I hate
It's a hundred thousand miles off
Comin' closer every day
Awake O Sleeper (The Brothers Bright) - An Awakening Darkness
Oh Abraham would raise his hands;
and mourn this very day;
for his children left the promise land;
in search of their own way.
They kick and scream like wayward sons;
And always wanting to sleep;
and dream away these evil days;
in hopes that God can't see.
There are chains upon your children Lord;
Chains upon your children.
There are chains upon your children Lord;
Chains upon your children.
Do you hear the lion roar?
(Awake O Sleeper)
Stand with me we'll fight the war.
(Awake O Sleeper)
Your suffering will come again;
and never fall away.
For we trade our many comforts;
Like the ones who bled for grace.
There will come a day my God will come;
and put me in my place.
My God I pray;
You'll call my name;
instead of turn away.
There are chains upon your children Lord;
Chains upon your children.
There are chains upon your children Lord;
Chains upon your children.
Do you hear the lion roar?
(Awake O Sleeper)
Stand with me we'll fight the war.
(Awake O Sleeper)
Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of Jesus.
Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of the Lord.
I said, Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of Jesus.
Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of God.
Do you hear the lion roar?
(Awake O Sleeper)
Stand with me we'll fight the war.
(Awake O Sleeper)
Do you hear the lion roar?
(Awake O Sleeper)
Stand with me we'll fight the war.
(Awake O Sleeper)
(Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of Jesus;
Let no man bring me harm;
I bear the marks of the Lord.)
The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash) - Something Wicked This Way Comes
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
There's a man goin' 'round takin' names
And he decides who to free and who to blame
Everybody won't be treated all the same
There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down
When the man comes around
The hairs on your arm will stand up
At the terror in each sip and in each sup
Will you partake of that last offered cup
Or disappear into the potter's ground?
When the man comes around
Hear the trumpets hear the pipers
One hundred million angels singin'
Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum
Voices callin', voices cryin'
Some are born and some are dyin'
It's alpha and omega's kingdom come
And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree
The virgins are all trimming their wicks
The whirlwind is in the thorn tree
It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks
Till Armageddon no shalam, no shalom
Then the father hen will call his chickens home
The wise man will bow down before the throne
And at his feet, they'll cast their golden crowns
When the man comes around
Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still
Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still
Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still
Listen to the words long written down
When the man comes around
Hear the trumpets hear the pipers
One hundred million angels singin'
Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum
Voices callin', voices cryin'
Some are born and some are dyin'
It's alpha and omega's kingdom come
And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree
The virgins are all trimming their wicks
The whirlwind is in the thorn trees
It's hard for thee to kick against the prick
In measured hundredweight and penny pound
When the man comes around
"And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts
And I looked, and behold a pale horse
And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"
Twilight On The Trail (Clint Eastwood) - Colby’s Trail Song
When its twilight on the trail and I jog along
The world is like a dream and the ripple of a stream is my song.
When its twilight in the trail and I rest once more
My ceiling is the sky and the grass in which I lie is my floor.
Never, never have a nickel in my jeans
Never ever have a debt to pay
Still, I understand what real contentment mean
Guess I was born that way
When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still
Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill
Guess I was born that way
When its twilight on the trail and my voice is still
Please plant this heart of mine underneath the lonesome pine on the hill
When its twilight on the trail.
Flesh And Blood (Johnny Cash) - Making Love Under The Stars
Beside a singing mountain stream
Where the willow grew
Where the silver leaf of maple
Sparkled in the morning dew
I braided twigs of willows
Made a string of buckeye beads
But flesh and blood needs flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
I leaned against a bark of birch
And I breathed the honeydew
I saw a North-bound flock of geese
Against a sky of baby blue
Beside the lily pads
I carved a whistle from a reed
Mother Nature's quite a lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
A cardinal sang just for me
And I thanked him for the song
Then the sun went slowly down the west
And I had to move along
These were some of the things
On which my mind and spirit feed
But flesh and blood need flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
So when this day was ended
I was still not satisfied
For I knew everything I touched
Would wither and would die
And love is all that will remain
And grow from all these seeds
Mother Nature's quite a lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood
And you're the one I need
Blood On My Name (the Brothers Bright) - Heaven And Hell
There's a reckoning a'comin'
It burns beyond the grave
There's lead inside my belly
'Cause my soul has lost its way
Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?
Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?
When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you
With the hounds of hell coming after you
I've got blood, I've got blood on my name
When the fires, when the fires are consuming you
And your sacred stars won't be guiding you
I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name
Not a spell gonna be broken
With a potion or a priest
When you're cursed you're always hoping
That a prophet would be grieved
Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?
Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?
Can't you see I'm sorry?
I will make it worth your while
Made of dead man's money
You can see it in my smile
Oh Lazarus, how did your debts get paid?
Oh Lazarus, were you so afraid?
When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you
And the whole wide world's coming after you
I got blood, I got blood on my name
When the fires, when the fires are consuming you
And your sacred stars won't be guiding you
I got blood, I got blood, blood on my name
It won't be long
'Til I'm dead and gone
It won't be long
'Til I'm dead and gone
Watch the fires rise
Burn through my skin
Down to the bone
Scorching my soul
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to run
When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you
With the hounds of hell coming after you
I've got blood, I've got blood on my name
When the fires, when the fires are consuming you
And your sacred stars won't be guiding you
I've got blood, I've got blood on my name
When the fires, when the fires have surrounded you
And the whole wide world's coming after you
I've got blood, I've got blood, blood on my name
I See A Darkness (Johnny Cash) - Colby Revealed
Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
But did you ever, ever notice
The kind of thoughts I got?
Well, you know I have a love
A love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive
To live, I won't let go
But can you see this opposition
Comes rising up sometimes?
That it's dreadful imposition
Comes blacking in my mind
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
Did you know how much I love you?
Is a hope that somehow you
Can save me from this darkness
Well, I hope that someday, buddy
We have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn't all I see
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Did you know how much I love you?
Is a hope that somehow you
Can save me from this darkness
Evil Ways (Blues Saraceno) - How Can One Love A Monster?
Its been so long
Long hard days
They don't say
Gods change my ways
Change my ways
Those evil ways
So I set out
Cross that way
Strike them down
To make them pay
Change their ways
Their evil ways
But I can’t hide
Ooooooo
And I won't hide
Oooooo Yeah!
My Evil Ways
I found out
The hate grow cold
The god rise up
Damn my soul
Cause I ain't change
Change my ways
I ain't change
So I won't hide
Ooooo
I won't hide
Oooooo
I can't hide Yeah!
Ooooooo
I can't hide HEY!
My evil ways
(Long Solo)
Well I can't hide
Ooooo
And I won't hide
Ooooo yeah!
Well I can't hide
Ooooo ouh!
Caus’ I can't hide
My evil ways
You Are My Sunshine (Johnny Cash) - Deacon The Only Beacon In The Eternal Night
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I bowed my head and I cried
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I've always loved you and made you happy
And nothing else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have shattered all of my dreams
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Vampyre Dust (Kreeps) - Shadows Of The Vampyre
Creepy Western Instrumental Interlude
Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi) - Wanted For Murder
It's all the same, only the names will change
Every day, it seems we're wastin' away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I drive all night just to get back home
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive
Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
The people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times, when you're all alone all you do, is think
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
Wanted (wanted) dead or alive
Oh, and I ride
(Yeah)
Oh, and I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I walk these streets
A loaded six-string on my back
I play for keeps 'cause I might not make it back
I've been everywhere, still, I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces
And I've rocked them all
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive (I still drive) dead or alive
Dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive
I Will Never Die (Delta Rae) - Colby Immortal
Hickory, oak, pine, and weed
Bury my heart underneath these trees
And when a southern wind comes to raise my soul
Spread my spirit like a flock of crows
'Cause I've loved you for too long
I've loved you for too long
I've loved you for too long
Old heat of raging fire
Come and light my eyes
Summer's kiss to electric wire
But I'll never die
Sycamore, ash, moss, and loam
Wrap your roots all around my bones
And when they come for me
When they call my name
Cast my shadow from a bellow's flame
'Cause I've loved you for too long
I've loved you for too long
I've loved you for too long
(So let the storm come)
Old heat of raging fire
Come and light my eyes
Summer's kiss to electric wire
But I'll never die
I will never die
You can bury my body, but I'll never die
In the dead of night
(In the dead of night)
I'm gonna loose these chains
(I'm gonna loose these chains)
I'm gonna run and run and run and run and run
(Sing on, sister)
I'm gonna run and run and run and run
Coming for you again
(Oh, coming for you again)
So let the storm come
Old heat of raging fire
Come and light my eyes
Summer's kiss to electric wire
But I'll never die
I will never die
You can bury my body, but I'll never die
Hickory, oak, pine, and weed
Bury my heart underneath these trees
You Will Find Me (CHPTRS) - Promises Before Sunrise
This is more than you can handle
This is more than you will ever know
Stop now thinking there’s another way
You don’t even have the words to say
Look around you, look around you
Look around you, you’re all alone
Don’t worry, you will find me
When you need me, I am watching you
Don’t worry, you will find me
When you call me, I am listening
Don’t worry, you will find me
When you need me, I am watching you
Don’t worry, you will find me
Don’t worry, you will find me
- 3
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Latest Entry
Loveless
Track List
——————————————————
- Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience
- Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him
- Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day
- Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression
- The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession
- See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion
- Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises
- Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’
- I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity
- Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness
- In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him
- The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality
- Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More
- Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool
- Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely
- So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate
- Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish
- Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored
- The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling
- Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay!
- Love Will Tears Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons
- The Crying Game (Boy George) - Loveless Again
- Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out
- Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell
- The Rumor (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’
- Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance
————————————
Loveless (Lo Moon) - Entering Into The Experience
Crosses in the distance, bells ring fast
Loveless in our shelter, time will pass
Could you take the chance on us?
Could you take the chance on us?
Call out to the lonely with regrets
Loveless is your answer, time will pass
Couldn’t take a chance on us
Couldn’t take a chance on us
Take my hand
In belief we trace our steps
Understand
No relief in silhouettes
Battled myself so many times
What I was isn’t what I want now
We can seek denial and search for miles
Blessed love, the love I need
Rolling drums, the Loveless bleed
Take my hand
In belief we trace our steps
Understand
No relief in silhouettes
Out Of Reach (Annie) - Endlessly Wanting Him
Oh it's Sunday night
I am lying in my bed
Thinking of the time
When I was in your arms
The other day
Oh it's been so long
I could not see
Waiting for someone
That was always right
In front of me
Why didn't I say something?
Didn't do something?
When I knew right
Yeah, you could be with me
Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I take the time?
And now you're gone, boy
Oh you could be with me
Oh I'm lying in my bed
And I can not sleep
Thinking of the things
That You said to me, my baby
You're out of reach
Tossing and turning
I cannot sleep
Haunted by the things
That I did not say, my baby
You're out of reach
You're out of reach
If I could go back and rewind
I'd show you that
You're more than just a friend
In every way
I'd tell you all my secrets
Boy, if you come back
I'll never let you down
I'll let you in
Oh I'm lying in my bed
And I can not sleep
Thinking of the things
That you said to me, my baby
You're out of reach
Tossing and turning
I cannot sleep
Haunted by the things
That I did not say, my baby
You're out of reach
You're out of reach
Where are you now when the lights are low?
‘Cause I'm thinking of you, I won't let you go
Why didn't I say something?
Didn't do something?
When I knew right
Yeah, you could be with me
Oh I'm lying in my bed
And I can not sleep
Thinking of the things
You said to me, to me
Oh I'm lying in my bed
And I can not sleep
Thinking of the things
You said to me, to me
Please, Please, Please Give Me What I Want! (The Dream Academy’s Cover of The Smiths) - Begging For Just One Good Day
Good times for a change
Seems the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
Seems the life I've had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Shake The Disease (Depeche Mode) - The Crippled Heart Longs For Expression
I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get (Morrissey) - The Beginning Of The Obsession
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
I will be
In the bar
With my head
On the bar
I am now
A central part
Of your mind's landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I've made up your mind
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
Beware!
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can't pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in
Oh, let me in
Oh, let me ahhh
Oh, let me in
It's war
It's war
It's war
It's war
It's war
War
War
War
War
Oh, let me in
Ah, the closer I get
Oh, you're asking for it
Ah, the closer I get
Ooh, the closer I get
See You (Depeche Mode) - Distant Devotion
All I want to do is see you again
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to see your sweet smile
Smile the way it was before
Well I'll try not to hold you
And I'll try not to kiss you
And I won't even touch you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true
I remember the days when we'd walk through the woods
And sit on a bench for a while
I treasure the way we used to laugh and play
And look in each others eyes
You can keep me at a distance if you don't trust my resistance
But I swear I won't touch you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true
Well, I know five months is a long time
And that times change (oh that times change)
But I think that you will find
People are basically the same (basically the same)
If the water's still flowing, we can go for a swim
And do the things we used to do
And if I'm reluctant you can pull me in
And we can relive our youth
Oh, but we'll stay friendly like friends and brothers
Though I think I still love you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true?
Wishful Thinking (China Crisis) - Bedtime Crises
It's time we should talk about it
There's no secret kept in here
Forgive me for asking
Now wipe away your tears
And if I wish to stop it all
And if I wish to comfort the fall
It's just wishful thinking
I sat on the roof
And watched the day go by
I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands
Makes it all worthwhile
And if I wish to stop it all
And if I wish to comfort the fall
It's just wishful thinking
It's time we should talk about it
There's no secret kept in here
I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands
Makes it all worthwhile
And if I wish to stop it all
And if I wish to comfort the fall
And if I wish to stop it all
And if I wish to comfort the fall
It's just wishful thinking
Only The Lonely (The Motels) - ‘Only The Lonely Can Play’
We walked the loneliest mile
We smile without any style
We kiss all together wrong
No intention
We lie about what each other thinks
We live without each other
Thinking what anyone would do
Without me and you
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play
So hold on, here we go
Hold on to nothin' we know
I feel so lonely
Way up here
You mention the time we were together
So long ago well I don't remember
All I know is it makes me feel good now
It's like I told you only the lonely can play
Only the lonely only the lonely can play
Only the lonely only the lonely can play
It's like I told you only the lonely can play
Only the lonely
Only the lonely can play
I’ll Always Come Back (Swim Team) - Stuck Within His Relentless Gravity
Stay here with me before you go
You know you're sweet the way you are
Fall on my knees, I can't hold on
‘Cause I won't sleep 'til I am with
You, I'll kiss your chapped lips
We've shared my mattress
I'll always come back
With you, you'll hold my jacket
We're leaving separate
You'll never come back
Walk in your sleep to the backyard
Dig up the bones of what once was
I'm growing weak from working hard
A shimmerless life when I'm without
You, I'll kiss your chapped lips
We've shared my mattress
I'll always come back
With you, you'll hold my jacket
We're leaving separate
You'll never come back
Take back what I said
I know that you've tried too
If I had what I want
Let time go without us
With You, I'll kiss your chapped lips
We've shared my mattress
I'll always come back
With you, you'll hold my jacket
We're leaving separate
You'll never come back
Lie To Me (Depeche Mode) - Taking The Lies Over The Lovelessness
[Chorus: x2]
Come on and lay with me
Come on and lie to me
Tell me you love me
Say I'm the only one
Experiences have a lasting impression
But words once spoken
Don't mean a lot now
Belief is the way
The way of the innocent
And when I say innocent
I should say naïve
So lie to me
But do it with sincerity
Make me listen
Just for a minute
Make me think
There's some truth in it
[Chorus: x2]
Promises made for convenience
Aren't necessarily
What we need
Truth is a word
That's lost its meaning
The truth has become
Merely half-truth
So lie to me
Like they do it in the factory
Make me think
That at the end of the day
Some great reward
Will be coming my way
[Chorus: Repeats]
In Your Room (Depeche Mode) - Desperate Sexual Fantasies For Him
In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave
In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave
I'm hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here
In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave
I'm hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here
The Golden Boy (Epsen Kraft) - When The Fantasy Becomes Reality
That's all I wanted from you, love
That's all I need
That's all I wanted from you, love
I want release
That's all I wanted from you, love
Oh, release
That's all I wanted from your touch
Your golden leaks
I want to... I want to breathe
I want you... I want release
I want to... want to breathe
I want you... I want release
This is the last day of the summer, so wake up boy x4
This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy
This is the last day of your world, so wake up boy
This is the last day...
This is the last day of your world, Golden Boy
Seeing Stars (Empathy Test) - To Be Loveless No More
Everybody knows you’re not perfect
But you still do your best to hide your flaws.
Everything you do is just surface
But we all know what goes on behind closed doors.
You’ll never know how it feels
To be out on a limb, in the wind.
And you’ll never know how much it hurts
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
Everything we do is falling snowflakes
It will all have melted by the dawn.
Give up all your fears for your own sakes
And follow me out into the storm.
You’ll never know how it feels
To be out on a limb, in the wind.
And you’ll never know how much it hurts
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
To fall so hard you see stars
Fool Of Me (Meshell Ndegeocello) - Love’s Fool
I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space?
'Cause now you have no interest in anything that I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel, I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care that we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me . . . you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does he want you with the pain that I do?
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye
No time, No friendship, No love
You say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore, anymore
I don't touch you anymore
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care that we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me, you made a fool of me
Tell me why.
Hurts Too Much (Cinnamon Chasers) - Broken Entirely
Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us
Broke me in two
We could've spent our life together
Now we're pushed apart forever
Not long to go
I gotta get myself together
Ain't gonna be like this forever
Our broken dreams
Now I can't believe our love is finally over
It hurts too much to be apart
Is it real, this love?
Can you feel my touch?
Today is real and I can see the war starting now between us
Broke me in two
We could've spent our life together
Now we're pushed apart forever
It hurts too much to be apart
Is it real, this love?
Can you feel my touch?
So In Love (OMD) - When Love Becomes Hate
Talk to me, don't lie to me
Save your breath
Don't look at me, don't smile at me
Just close your eyes
I was so impressed by you
I was running blind
I would fall for every trick
Every twist of mind
Heaven is cold
Without any soul
It's hard to believe
I was so in love with you
~ Jimmy thinks Billy is saying with his silence
‘Don't say your prayers, don't build your hopes
Just walk away
Don't phone me up, don't call around
Don't waste your time’
‘You were so in awe of me
You were so divine
You would do just anything
To still be mine’
Heaven is cold
Without any soul
It's hard to believe
I was so in love with you
All the things you said to me
I was so obsessed
You were always talking, talking
God, I did my best
Heaven is cold
Without any soul
It's hard to believe
I was so in love with you
(I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold
Without any soul
It's hard to believe
I was so in love with you
(I was so in love with you) Heaven is cold
Without any soul
It's hard to believe
I was so in love with you
I was so in love, I was so in love, I was so in love with you
So in love with you
Without You (Air Supply) - Pleading In Anguish
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there, but then you let me go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
Can't live, if living is without you
Can't give, I can't give any more
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in you eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
Can't live, if living is without you
Can't give, I can't give any more
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
Losing Touch (Empathy Test) - The Sharp Knives Of Being Ignored
Scared of losing touch
If I really mean that much
Why pretend that you love him?
Don't call me out of the blue
It's clear that I still do
And you know he knows it too.
Going home alone
The only love I've known
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
Tell me it's not real
Tell me he doesn't make you feel
The way I made you feel
If you care for me at all
You'll hang up when I call
You'll clear me the space to fall
If you give I will receive
And despite what they believe
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
~ Sam’s Helping Hand
‘When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know
When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know
When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know
When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know
When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know ‘
It's always been you.
‘When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know ‘
It's always been you.
‘When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know’
It's always been you.
‘When you're feeling alone
And you're colder than stone
Call me you know ‘
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
The One I Gave My Heart To (Aaliyah) - Unravelling
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?
Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.
If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?
How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?
How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?
How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies?
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine?
Tell Me........
How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything.
All My Love, All I Had Inside.
How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?
How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?
I Thought We Had Forever.
I Cant Understand.
How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?
Won’t Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please.
If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me?
Tell Me........
How Could you Just Walk Out The Door?
How Could You Not Love Me Anymore?
I Thought We Had Forever.
I Cant Understand.
*How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?
Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.
If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That?*
How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?
How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say?
How Could The One I Was So True Too Just Tell Me Lies?
*How Could The One I Gave My Heart To.....
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To....
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To Break This Heart of Mine?
Tell Me........
Throwing Stones, The Minuit Machine Remix (Empathy Test and The Minuit Machine) - Brandon Will Pay!
Flicking through yesterday’s news
Slipping my neck into the noose again
Well it fits so well.
Doesn't know where his loyalties lie -
Then again neither do I.
Going out thinking I am there
Waking up in his arms but then
I Never knew it would be so hard
Never knew I would be a part of this
Bitterness.
I try to fall awake but I still sleep
Wait for a week but I am weak
And resolutions fail
And once again I'm throwing stones
At your window.
Throwing stones
At your window.
Stand in the payphone, count to ten
But you won’t call me back again.
Sends a little shiver right through me
When I hear you running down to me.
But I know you’ll only turn away
‘Cause you've got nothing left to say to me
Well; hear me out.
I try to fall awake but I still sleep
Wait for a week but I am weak.
And resolutions fail
And once again I'm throwing stones
At your window.
Throwing stones
At your window.
Throwing stones
At your window.
Throwing Stones
At your window.
Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division) - Emails And Photos As Weapons
~ Sending a photo hoping Billy will think this about Brandon
‘When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
But emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways, taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Why is the bedroom so cold?
You've turned away on your side
Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect runs so dry
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives
But love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
You cry out in your sleep
All my failings exposed
And there's a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Just that something so good just can't function no more
But love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again’
The Crying Game (Boy George) - To Be Loveless Again
I know all there is to know about the crying game
I've had my share of the crying game
First there are kisses
Then there are sighs
And then, before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye
One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon about the crying game
And if he knows, maybe he'll explain
Why there are heartaches (Heartaches)?
Why there are tears (So sad)?
Then what to do to stop feeling blue
When love disappears
First there are kisses (Kisses)
Then there are sighs (So sad)
And then, before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye
Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)
Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)
Don't want no more of the crying game (Don't want no more)
Don't want no more of the crying game
Suicide Is Painless (Ania Cover) - Ultimately, The Only Way Out
Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say
Suicide is painless (suicide)
It brings on many changes (changes)
And I can take or leave it if I please
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger
Watch it grin
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
‘Is it to be or not to be?’
And I replied, ‘oh why ask me?’
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
And you can do the same thing if you please
Goodbye (Secondhand Serenade) - The Final Farewell
It's a shame that it had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same
But, either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe
All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way
I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
‘Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by
All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way
All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way
And every, everything isn't only
What it seemed so hold these
Words that you never told me
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Goodbye
Bye
Take my pain away
Tear it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong
Take my pain away
Tear it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong
Take my pain away
Tear it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong
(And so on)
The Rumour (Depeche Mode) - ‘Something’s Happened To Jimmy’
Boy of fourteen
Whole life ahead of him
Slashed his wrists
Bored with life
Didn't succeed
Thank the Lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears
Mother reads the note again
Fourteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame
It's always the same
She goes down on her knees
And prays . . .
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
Boy of fourteen
Fell in love with somebody
Found new life inside their eyes
Hit by a lie
Ended up
On a life support machine
Summer's day
As he passed away
Birds were singing
In the summer's sky
Then came the rain
And once again
A tear fell
From his mother's eye
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
‘I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing’
Dante’s Prayer (Loreena McKennitt) - A Young Soul Seeking Release And Remembrance
When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone
I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars
Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me
Please remember me
Please remember me . . .
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This challenge was so popular two weeks ago and we have another open blog today, so I thought we'd have some more Halloween fun. It's almost here! It's a super simple challenge that helps get your creative juices flowing... write a caption for this image below that tells a story and share it in the blog comments. You have just 30 words or less to share what you think is happening in the picture. Narrate the scene, give a spooky reason why those jack-o-lantern's are clustered there, or give us a peek at the events about to happen... Are they about to get revenge for the carving? Eeek!
You tell us!
CAPTION THIS
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Story Critique: Open to all GA authors. Sign up here
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Self Assessing
There comes a point where you might look at your work and wonder how good or bad it is. You may wonder which mistakes you're making, be they grammatical or creative. Sometimes an editor or beta reader helps you catch those things, but what if it's what you intended? How much do our intentions, in the front of our mind of unconsciously, play into the final product? I'd imagine the answer is different for different writers, so I can only give you my view.
One of the things I do is make teenage characters sound too old, too mature. There are some kids who act older than their age, but by and large they don't. I have kids. They aren't like my characters, except perhaps in small flashes. In fact my theory of parenting is tiny bits of wonderful surrounded by a whole lot of WTF. SO why would I write characters that aren't the norm for that age group? Well, I'll tell you why.
Where do young people get a lot of information, both good and bad or just plan wrong? The internet. For all the good things, we have to accept the bad as well and the fact is you can put just about anything you like up there and some schlub will believe it. That is dangerous in a general sense, but even worse when you head toward the industry that leads the way forward in so many things - technology, online business and I'm referring to porn, of course. It's ready available, in fact you can search for something not associated with porn and still find a porn site. There are free cams that require no more than you saying that you're of age no matter how old you really are. Kids are clever, especially when it comes to satisfying those curiosities. Usually, they don't have the maturity to handle that. In my opinion, it's worse for gay kids. In a world where there are people who do all the things they do to gay people as a class, it's even worse when you're a kid. If you never wanted to tell your straight son that a VW bus full of cheerleaders wasn't going to roll into his driveway and have wild sex with him - but did because porn is all about fantasy, you did the right thing. I wish more people would talk to their kids about porn instead of just telling them no.
So, then, if people talk to their straight kids about porn in a meaningful way (I'm guessing a middling percent might), how much lower are the numbers for gay kids? Where will they learn about relationships and the role sexual intimacy plays? Porn? If they did choose to read my stuff, they might find a better way. To delve into the ideas that we care about our partners, that they feel good with us and give consent to be a part of whatever is happening. Will they relate to the more mature characters? Maybe, if it's laid out logically and they can see the path it took to get there.
I recall watching the Fosters on TV and someone saying to me 'They just go from the kids doing one stupid thing to another. Don't they ever learn?' I wonder how many kids it helped, and how many rolled their eyes and said 'How dumb can they be?' Hey, kids screw up. Some adults screw up more than a kid. Sometimes logic doesn't play a big role. I try to balance some of that, but in the end I want young people to take away the idea of respectful, meaningful relationships and not substitute sex for love.
So my younger character will probably continue to be more mature than they should be, for the most part. But it's for a good reason.
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The shape of things
Ever look back and realize you've done more than you thought you did?
I've mentioned some word counts before. Edited chapter 4 of "2-14-9X" today for @Comicality's magazine. When I pasted the edits into this running word file I keep the whole story in I noticed something.
30, 747 words
Now, that's not too far from the last publicized count, I know. But it's still been a while since I took stock of the whole, you know?
Considering most of that was written between December 2017 and March 2018 progress has slowed considerably. But, to those of you who read my interview in the March 2018 issue of @Comicality's Imagine Magazine, my writing hasn't, and isn't always as readily available of my imagination.
The gap between imagining something, no matter how detailed, and expressing that vision. is sometimes wider than others. Sometimes it's the crack in the sidewalk between to slabs, something unnoticed as w=one goes along. Sometimes it's a canyon, and there isn't always a bridge. Sometimes it feels so far that one side is out of sight of the other.
Even when it's working, another issue is control. I may say "I really need to edit chapter 5, I'm behind schedule," only to have my concentration slide away from me to concepts, scenes, whole stories, that have nothing to do with a certain night's events that happened to be on Valentine's Day. And trying to force it one way instead of where it wants to go can mean that nothing really gets done. Proofreading is one thing, and that can be hard enough to concentrate on, but editing is more than that. In the case of chapter 5 well, there are things that have to work or… Well they don't yet so no chapter 5 for you guys. And I may say that "chapter 8 really needs some attention" (XP) same deal. Just because I want to write it doesn't mean that's what I can concentrate on. I mean just look at chapter 2 of predators 3/4 finished since before I started 2 – 14 – 9X. I know what happens next, I watched it play out a a dozen times in my head.
(Are you loving or hating a look behind the scenes right now? Be honest.)
And sometimes, this is speaking more historically, there's a difference between writing something, writing something that's good, and writing something that's useful. I have at least three "novels" that are each unfinished, probably more than 100 pages apiece, and they tell so little of the story for all that wordage that it's not even funny. Not to me anyway. It's not that what I wrote is bad, it's just... ugh. Slow. Or focuses so much on setting that by the time the actors start doing something there's no momentum carried over from the previous scene.
So maybe there's only been a few thousand words of progress over the last few months. But trust me, a few thousand words of progress are better than tens of thousands that don't go anywhere.
*Looks offstage when there's muttering from the wings* "Yes yes I'm still going to tell your stories someday."
Probably in the grand scheme of things my old writing accomplishes in more than 100 pages less story mileage than I've managed to do in Predators: 2-4-9X thus far.
I'll take the right 4k words over the good but useless 40k I might otherwise have added in the past. Am I making sense?
Writing aside, life presents its obstacles and distractions. Work, home, mood disorders, drama drama drama, even as a spectator. Sigh.
I've got a couple people that might become beta readers. That will help if it happens. Nothing refuels focus on writing like talking about it with people.
I've also joined a writing group IRL. While I don't know ow much that will help, I'm not exactly eager to volunteer "hey I write about teenagers having sex. Gay ones." I mean, that's not what I want to be the focus of my writing, the emotions are what matter but I think we all know that's the part that would stand out.
They do something for national novel writing month and I have vague operations of participating. Which is why, except for engaging with my potential beta readers and if the mood strikes me to do otherwise, I'm going to be focusing on prep work for a short story that has been preoccupying me and the broader story that it inspired because that may be my NaNoWiMo project.
I know 2-14 is already behind schedule and any diehards have been waiting for seven years for Predators chapter 2. But I hope my readers and fellow writers and everyone here can focus on the positive. If I even get close that means you guys could see something pretty complete. And writing is writing.
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I started this log entry thinking about how far I've come, it makes sense to leave it at I thought of how far I have to go.
I've said before, in that interview actually, my writing is my journey, and I hope that some of you want to come along.
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Latest Entry
Sexual Assault and the aftermath
CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING BLOG ENTRY TALKS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Hey everyone
,
How’s everyone? I hope everyone’s doing good. I haven’t been doing that great. I might say, I have been doing quite awful suffering from both depression and anxiety for the past two months or so. I have been kind of absent from the site due to being extremely busy with the university for the past couple of months (dissertation is not the most favourite thing for me to do).
Anyways, this feeling of awfulness started a about three months back, the day after I turned 24. To support myself through the uni I (used to) work at a fast food restaurant what also involved delivering the food to the costumer’s place. On one of these deliveries, I called the costumer when at his place, he buzzed me inside and I went up to his apartment. The door was open and I could hear some noises so, I knocked and waited for him. He appeared from the corner carrying some boxes and asked me to leave the food on the kitchen counter. Now, this wasn’t the first time a costumer asked me to carry the food inside. So, I didn’t think much of it and went inside, put the food on counter and told him the price of the order (It was not paid already). While he went to get the money, I realised that the sounds were coming from a porn movie. Suddenly, I felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He brought the money and it was all coins.
So, I had to stand there and count all of them before leaving. As, I was counting he started saying things like “I’m so horny” or “Are you horny” etc. I kept trying to ignore him and tried to finish counting as soon as possible while all of a sudden, he touched me (there). I don’t know why, but I was immediately paralysed. Probably due to fear or surprise or a mixture of both, I’m not completely sure to be honest. He then proceeded to do whatever he felt like. I almost felt like I had no control over whatever was happening. I wanted to yell at him to stop and get away from me, kick at him and run away but neither any sound came out of my mouth nor my hands moved to stop him. I kind of blacked out but could still see and feel everything and it was horrifying. After he was done he just got up and went to clean himself up. Meanwhile, I regained my senses enough to just get up and bolted away from there (I didn’t even bother taking the money). As soon as I got on to the road I just puked all of my breakfast on the side (in the bushes), returned to the restaurant, told them I wasn’t feeling well, went home and scrubbed myself in the shower.
I was utterly disgusted with the entire experience and felt like extremely violated and also that I wasn’t clean no matter how many showers I have taken. The worst part of this entire experience was that my body still reacted to his actions and it felt like my own body failed me in this entire process. I just ended curling up at my home for most of the next two days almost never leaving the bed. One half of my mind kept telling me that I had been sexually assaulted while the other kept saying that I really haven’t because I never objected to it. All of this led to my depression becoming worse and for the first time, I felt ashamed to face the world. Even through my childhood and teenage growing up as an Lgbt+ kid, I never felt the feeling of shame and ended up losing any inspiration to do any sort of work. Not to mention the fear of contracting an STD. This led to my assignments being submitted late or unfinished or both at times and affected my grades.
The worst part doesn’t even start here. Remember, I called him before to get to his address? Well, he also now had my phone number and hence kept calling me at random times with often lewd suggestions and offers to come to his place because his wife was away. He also turned up a my workplace more than a couple of times. I ended up blocking his number and he then started blocking his caller ID or even calling me from different phone numbers. And thanks to all of these actions, I became extremely anxious and now have to keep an inhaler with me in case of an asthma attack (the asthma existed in my family before, I didn’t get asthma because of him but it’s onslaught started a lot earlier than it should have thanks to the conditions). The queasiness in the stomach never stops. Finally, 5 days ago, when he called me, I warned him against calling me and threatened to disclose all of this matter to his wife and also told him that I secretly recorded his previous calls. It seemed to have scared him and he hasn’t contacted me ever since.
I finally decided to see a psychologist about all of these issues and my first appointment will be on the next week. I am still quite unsure on how to approach the subject and my sexuality in general and the issues I have developed growing up in a homophobic environment and country. I really needed to tell this to someone because I really need to concentrate on my assignments and exams and the psychologist appointment is still a week away and I wasn’t sure I would feel the best after I speak about topics such as my sexuality and mental health issues.
I do have several questions, am I wrong in being angry and sad that I have been violated against my consent? Can it even be considered a sexual assault if I necessarily didn’t even object? It wasn’t like he hit me and forced himself on me. I really wasn’t able to act at all. Am I wrong in getting sad that my first sexual experience with someone else was this? Is this even considered sex? Am I thinking too much about this?
Anyways, thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate being able to share this horrible experience with someone, I really needed that. Hope everyone has a great day/night
.
Victor
P.S. I apologise for any grammatical errors as I really did not proof read because I just wanted to type it and post it immediately. And I generally use British/ Australian spellings, so please excuse all the additional 'u's and the 's' in the spellings
EDIT: I'm not completely sure if this sort of topic can be posted in a blog. If it cannot be, just let me know and I would be happy to remove it. Thank you
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Remembering Dennis 191
As I had stated to Page and a couple others on Cott... we need to be aware and pay attention to our teens and how badgering and "Just kidding" remarks bring issues and tragedies... how we just don't know how much weight and burden it can produce...!!! Sadly... Dennis 191 is that example... we knew him as the crazy Hun that would go into fits at Cott Say and do CRAZY things...Not knowing the deeper issues and horrors he had and lived... Dennis191 had a mindset, but there were reasons for those mindsets... I knew Dennis had deeper rooted problems, dealing with teens for 27 years you tend to pick up on things, especially the boys, they will blow things off to their peers but in their alone time and internally it eventually peaks... Dennis peaked on GA before he left, became spiteful and rebellious to moderators and others as well... he was crying out the best way he knew how, and the only way he knew... Dennis and I remained in contact after he left we became very close as he had begun to allow me into his world... A very cruel and difficult world I might add... being a loaner not for fear... but of the penalty of letting anyone too close in his space. But I was very persistent every day to connect and encourage edify, and even hug from 5000 miles away. Christmas last year he was all alone and I could tell as it approached it bothered him even though he would never say it... because Dennis through a series of events always had to suck things up and cope with life as it was dealt to him... this all began at a very early time in his young life, his parents blamed him for being born, continually calling him a worthless piece of crap... only to send him away After his Grandparents died ( his one and only outlet, he Loved his Grandparents) Dennis was sent to a boys Military school at the age of thirteen so his dad wouldn't have to look at him, the military School was located at the site of an old Anthrax testing ground. it was said to be safe, but it was just a story. Dennis had contracted Anthrax while there its effects were somehow not life-threatening to him as with others 2 youth died... he was at the firing range when the staff person monitoring them became aggressive with Dennis and Dennis shot and killed him they ended up out of fear of being found out to kick Dennis out of the School and send him back home to "Dad". Dennis went back to School at the Public Schools where he met His soul mate Jon who was the only thing keeping him going and giving him the love he lacked for the next two years. Then Jon because of his home and school Situations of bullies and an abusive stepfather... ended up Killing himself, leaving Dennis alone and angry again until last November when he was asked by his cousin who lived in Serbia to come and spend the Holidays with them and if he liked it he could stay which was good for him to be around people who did care, and know what he had gone through. But we remained in contact and drew closer and I could even tell when he was getting ready to have one of his fits and divert it into something more positive... he did get better and even found work for a while... I had sent him funds on many occasions to help out as they don't make much there... we had talked about my Eye surgery and well he was the very First person I was able to see with my eye after surgery and he was proud of that, but there were many things still Haunting Dennis he had 3-4 times talked about committing suicide when he would return from the store or back from venturing out... he was Teased and ridiculed for being Hungarian and had gotten to the point he would fight back when he went out. We began talking about me going to Serbia and then we would tour his Native Hungarian land and he was excited as I was... I began to make all the arrangements and set stuff in order, then my eye needed surgery again and he thought our Visit would not happen, had quit his job there and was going to go to London to work...He said he could make more money there... I asked about my trip and he said we were still on when my eye situation was finished. Then he became irritated again but wouldn't share, And I did finally find out he was having complications with getting his ID? passport renewed, but I knew it was more... had started to revert back not sleeping and Nightmares all the time, I knew I needed to get there ASAP. I remember his birthday on may 5th he turned 19... although I could not be there I was bound to make it memorable for him, I had bought my New computer and decided I would have my Old lap top refurbished( he was using an old hp D760 we called it the Dino) I had upgraded everything on it and sent it with Cables and Speakers and Even a new LG4 phone, his screen was so cracked I just imagined him with Bandaids on his fingersThe box weighed about 21 lbs full of converters and every thing needed for him .... it was very expensive to ship and even cost a lot to have it delivered there, but to me it was worth it to give him a grand 19th birthday, I played his Native birthday music and sent him some songs we had enjoyed for hours together... when He said it was just another day I knew no one had spent time to show him his value and worth with "No strings attached" Dennis was a good kid and would give his very last to a stranger... he often thought of others and said he was not important... So untrue I got to know the real Dennis not the one he would try and show... Yes he was a little off but anyone of us would have been Dead already if we were in his shoes....So When a kid is acting up or out maybe we need to step closer, ask those questions we are afraid to ask help edify and encourage before it's to late....!!! my Heart is truly broken and heavy The pain will linger at His Death, yes he couldn't take it any longer the screams the agony and terror the teasing and the disrespect for his culture... he laid down boldly in front of a train leaving the station to end his alredy numb and disembodied life... I lost a Brother, Friend a child still in the heart but a very very confused one... I am just in tears I could not get to him in time... but then was there ever any time, or was he just biding time... That We will never know... So those who knew Dennis 191 please take a moment in remembering him and now you know more than ever before, I am so glad to have taken the time and spent what was a bonding moment, I am glad to have spent the hundreds of hours on the net and even video chatted with him, the eyes don't lie and well they told his life story, and his connection with me ... the challenges we both faced... take a moment to remember him and then think is there someone in my own life I should be more aware, spend more time with, and just love them for who they are... not who we want them to be...!!! Here's to you... you Dennis are not or ever was a mistake you are Loved an always will be loved and now maybe you can truly Rest in Peace...???
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Latest Entry
It Was Almost Bye Bye Birdie Time
Needless to say, my life is one big fuck up right now. Everything seems to be going to the shits. Well, not everything. Two significant parts of my life remain on track. My reading is prodigious right now. I am actively reading: Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, The Seventh Cross by Anna Seghers, Hiroshima by John Hersey, Blood’s a Rover by Harlan Ellison, and most of The New Yorker when it comes to the house most weeks. Yeah, you’re asking how do I keep track of it all. Well, I do, somehow. The other thing going on correctly right now is my next story. It had a working title of The Reluctant Father up until yesterday when I changed it to Canes. I working on Chapter 8 right now. It is a psycho-sexual family drama about a sixty-something gay widower and a young gay teen who has an unhealthy relationship with railroad locomotives. It’s not so much that they go fast, but exactly what happens if you’re standing in front of one when it’s going 50 mph.
So, what’s going on with the rest of my live? Well, you see we have this thirteen week old German Shepherd puppy that—although she belongs to my son—is my responsibility during the day because he works swing shift, comes home and stays up until three or four in the morning, doesn’t get up until one or one-thirty in the afternoon, and he leaves for work at two-fifteen so he can get to work an hour early so he can read the newspaper.
Then yesterday afternoon when he got up to eat his breakfast, his regular bowl was dirty because he’d used it for a snack the previous night, so, he got a bowl out of the cupboard. Now, these bowls are not cereal bowls; they’re more dessert sized, which means he has to keep the box of cereal and the jug of milk on the table so he can have a sizeable breakfast.
“Why didn’t you wash your bowl?” I asked foolishly.
“Oh, you know, I don’t do service work anymore. The house nigger should’ve cleaned it before I got up.”
Yeah, that’s his nickname for me.
The house nigger does the dishes, sweeps the floors, does the grocery shopping, and raises his mastuh’s dogs.
Plus, my knees are giving out on me, but the VA orthopedic surgeons won’t send me outside to get artificial knees because I weigh too much. I think I need to lose about another ten pounds. My bad knees are forcing me to decide whether I’m going to give up the idea of leaning how to play the guitar because I have to drive 27 miles to my lessons every Saturday. I know you’re thinking, “Oh, the poor old man has to drive TWENTY-SEVEN MILES and back for his guitar lessons. Well, if it’s all that far, maybe, he should give up his dream. Poor old man.”
Well, fuck, I drive down there and back and not surprisingly it takes me six days to recover (yeah, six days means I miss that day’s lesson) because unlike most people, I don’t have any cartilage in my knees. It’s all melted away and has been replaced with arthritis, but my orthopedic surgeon says I gotta walk to keep that synovial fluid sloshing around in there to cushion what I have left of my knees. If I don’t, then just maybe I won’t be able to walk at all. I’ll be lucky if they issue me one of those walkers with handle bars, a seat, and hand brakes. Worse? Well, I don’t want to think of worse because when the surgeon told me about what worse entails, I figured I’d better get out there and walk some more even if it makes my knees feel like dried dog shit on a hardwood floor.
And, of course, there’s the head or, rather, its contents, that collection of gray and white matter which is supposed to keep me on an even keel, but doesn’t. Sure, I take meds, I’ve been taking meds since April, 2008. But, now, I’ve been released by my local VA shrink and sent out to a vendor. An example of this vendor’s expertise in mental health meds is she prescribed Amantadine for my Essential Tremor. It’s a mild Parkinson’s drug given for tremor from that disorder, but one of its rather insidious side effects is narcolepsy. If I take that, I’ll be subjecting myself to my personal “My Own Private Idaho.” Just think of it, no more tremors, but going to sleep in a school zone and wiping out a street crossing full of first graders. Not my idea of fun. They do recommend not driving or operating heavy equipment if you take it. So, I’m not going to be taking that med. When she asks how I doing on it, I’ll let her know about the narcolepsy side effect. Probably, the worst thing about that side effect is that not only can it occur when you first start taking the med, but it can crop up years away. I wonder how many old people who’ve been given that drug and fall asleep while driving down the street and take out a sidewalk full of kids on their way to get Slurpees. It certainly won’t be me.
But, speaking of mental health, I’m in a general funk right now. Yesterday, I was ready to pack my bags and books and take a powder. I don’t know where I would’ve gone. Probably, a city where there is a VA Med Center where I could get treatment for my various ailments. And, of course, although I would’ve left a note, I wouldn’t say where I was going and I certainly would never come back. No, this house nigger was going to be a runaway and I wouldn’t give a fuck about whether my son could remember how to wash dishes.
Today? Well, today I listened to all of my Vangelis CDs and typed this blog, which dumped a whole lot of shit on you guys. I apologize, but you see I don’t have anyone else to dump on because my VA shrink won’t talk to me and my vendor shrink only speaks to veterans on Thursday’s. So, thank you for listening and sorry for the “N” word, but when you’re called it, it kind of sticks to you in not a very nice way.
Better go, time to feed the dogs or mastuh be mad.
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Life on The Very Very Small Holding
This morning I woke up, pretended to eat the imaginary ice cream (green flavour!) that Goblinboy pretended to feed me, got up and fetched Baby Wolfeater from his cot, gave them milk, and went back to bed to snuggle my husband. Dashi joined us, because the best place for a lurcher to be is cuddled on our duvet, and after a little while we were invaded by our small and not so small sons. Then I got up.
It's Sunday, so I abandoned my husband with the small boys, and Dashi and I went to the farm. Many people have told me I'm a lucky bastard, and trust me when I say that I believe them. Our great friends Clare and Christian have rented us (back in April) a little scrap of unused woodland with a pond in it (about an acre all in all, but not all useable) in return for one pig per year - ready for the freezer. So we built a fence (cue swearing, shouting, bleeding) and now we have pigs, six chickens in a run we got for free (score!), a greenhouses we have yet to rebuild (secondhand for nothing), a shed containing the very beginnings of a rabbit tree (meat rabbits, don't get all sappy on me), and a raised bed growing potatoes.
I fed the animals, walked to Copper's field and gave him breakfast, and went for a walk with Dashi and the farm spaniels. It was a good morning.
Then I came home to be greeted by all my boys.
Goblinboy will be three (THREE? where did the time go?) at the end of October, and Wolfeater has just turned one. Goblinboy is all about the talking, playing pretend, the questions (Why is rain?), the learning about hammers and anvils (he's learning from his Daddy. I'm proud), and the helping with absolutely everything (anyone need a tiny gardener?). Wolfeater is walking (properly walking) and has been able to climb the stairs since six months (yeah, we've had no rest), and is busy eating whatever he can lay his hands on and trying out new word-sounds.
And.... now neither of them are napping anymore, and I gotta go.
Oh, and I wrote something. Kitt's been great at keeping my secrets as always. Bye y'all!
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) Anyways, Week 12 was also Exam Week for Physics. And... it was difficult. The median score for that exam was 58%. Well over half my class failed the third exam. And honestly, I am surprised that I didn't fail this exam, but it's not worth celebrating given how so few actually passed. Next, we have Week 13, this was Thanksgiving Week, so it would be a short one for classes. The College was open as usual on Monday and Tuesday, and closed at noon on Wednesday. So, in Physics, on Monday, we learned about Heat. And that's it for lectures this week. Wednesday morning, instead of the usual lecture, my professor held an Ask Me Anything for his classes. It was not mandatory, so students could choose to attend or not. I attended and it was really interesting. We ended up asking him about black holes, dark energy and dark matter. And, it just shows that is PhD was well deserved.
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By Thorn Wilde · Posted
Ugh. Yeah, that one sucks too. I also know people with schizophrenia, as well as other diagnoses that can cause psychosis. Never known any of them to be dangerous to others, though some have harmed themselves. Either way, it's a bitch to live with and it's not okay to make fun of. Thanks for pointing that one out, it's not one I've heard much. -
I hope you don’t mind me adding one ”That is so schizo/schizophrenic” used to describe some odd, dangerous or antisocial behavior. My mother and youngest sister have paranoid schizophrenia. My stepdaughter has schizophrenia. While odd behaviors do happen, it is not a defin8ng symptom, the delusions are. -
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Thanks, Val. I had a down syndrome friend when I was a kid... he lived in our house which was divided into apartments. I remember that he was fun to play with, and his mother baked amazing stuff! -
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By Thorn Wilde · Posted
Thank you for reading it, and for getting it. -
Thorn, you nailed this perfectly. Language influences thoughts and reactions. Using mental illness terms like this diminishes the struggles people with these disorders go through daily. It can be deflating to people with 'invisible' disabilities to hear these types of statements. People don't tend to understand what they can't see. Thank you for this. -
It was a great story; would love to see some more followup. Charles Ross -
Sounds interesting No spring break for me. And spring is coming in like a lion. It's gorgeous today, but we're supposed to get several inches of snow on Friday. Hopefully it's the last of the season.
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By jamessavik · Posted
GhostRyder15 is cool. Give it a go. You'll probably like it if you like my stuff.
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