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15 years

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15 years with no drugs or drinking.


Holy shit.


I remember when missing out for a day or a few days was... really uncomfortable.


When I first started writing, I got some flak about including a lot of drugs. Well, they did say write what you know. When I first really started writing, that's what I knew.


It took a while but I move on. I still dream about the... never mind. 


What I find is sad is that a lot of gay people have trouble in recovery. There are a few predators out there talking recovery that just want to hook up. 


Well... who doesn't? Growing up means figuring out what's appropriate. 


The winners learn and the losers lose. 


It's Darwinian in a way- like tempering steel. If the blade if flawed, when heated, it will break. If the steel is good, it just gets harder.


Be the blade.



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I think you'll always dream about it, i do. But dreams are the place for that stuff.


Good on ya, James.

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Sobriety has always been a two-edge sword for me and I've been in debates with several people over the years in regards to what sobriety means uniquely to me.

My issues had always been with cocaine and pills. There was a few other substances I dabbled in over my life but those was the two main ones that I abused for a long, long, time. But for me, my dark triggers never involved alcohol. I have always been able to drink as much as I want, for a long time, then stop drinking for longer periods of time without any issues. My drinking seems to go in stages and for all I know it depends on the position of the moon.

My doctor thinks I'm an alcoholic because I do have a drink everyday. Whether its a glass of wine at dinner, a shot after dinner while playing video games, or having a few beers when I consume hot wings. But I will go literally months in between hangovers as I rarely have more than one or two drinks at any given time.

For me, drinking was always something I did to celebrate something, it was never used to self-medicate. That was reserved for cocaine and pills. So normally if I am drinking I am in a happy place and its more of a celebratory social type setting.

So I've been sober since November 2007. My drugs of choice now are vape pens, occasionally I smoke a real cigarette, and alcohol. I never really enjoyed smoking weed, it just never did it for me.. 

The craving has lessened over the years. It's not completely gone as I still go to dark places at time but I have so much happiness around me, I don't dwell there long enough to risk relapsing. Plus I have a great life with an amazing fiance, that is new, three weeks ago, and hopefully I will maintain this path I worked so hard to walk on.

So I guess the point of this post is, good for you James. I know how hard it is to stay on that path and the things you have to lose (the friendships, the places, the hurt and anger)to stay walking. I'm in your corner sir. 

But isn't life so much better now?



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