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Stuff in my life lately.

Mikiesboy

Entry posted by Mikiesboy in My Life and Times

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***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time.

 

So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time.

There's a lot of sadness here for me.  Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong.

But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness.  i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way.

Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on.  Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me.

The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything.  A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months.

You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away.  i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind?  Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices?  i don't think it would be painless for them.  My Husband would be wounded most of all. 

My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?"

It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die.   He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside.  Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions.  i've been doing a bit better.

A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months.

i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about.

Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret.

There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you.

let them

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MichaelS36
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I love you, boy.  I will be here with you for as long as I can be. 

People come and go in our lives. We don't always understand why or what drives their choices and decisions. Let them go. They came to us for a reason. Learn from what they offered if there's something worth while and then let them go. 

Look at now, today. Don't venture to the past unless there's a good reason to go there. 

 

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Wayne Gray
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It’s good to see this, tim.

I know you struggled, and I know you still do.

But you’re here now. you, along with your doctor and your Husband have set you on a path - and it’s one that’s working.

you had to work hard to get where you are. you had to believe you could. you had to trust even while you likely felt there was no path out.

And here you are. On the path. And knowing, if you fall you’ll be lifted right back up.

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Mikiesboy
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42 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

I love you, boy.  I will be here with you for as long as I can be. 

People come and go in our lives. We don't always understand why or what drives their choices and decisions. Let them go. They came to us for a reason. Learn from what they offered if there's something worth while and then let them go. 

Look at now, today. Don't venture to the past unless there's a good reason to go there. 

 

You're right. Misunderstandings make me sad. i don't like leaving things unfinished but if both people don't want that ... You're right.  i love You, too.

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Mikiesboy
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40 minutes ago, Wayne Gray said:

It’s good to see this, tim.

I know you struggled, and I know you still do.

But you’re here now. you, along with your doctor and your Husband have set you on a path - and it’s one that’s working.

you had to work hard to get where you are. you had to believe you could. you had to trust even while you likely felt there was no path out.

And here you are. On the path. And knowing, if you fall you’ll be lifted right back up.

Thanks, Wayne.  There's no fix ... but i hope we can find the right meds and i know i need to do my part as well.  And changing takes practice.  i may quit for a short time, but i cant give up.

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kbois

kbois 116,414

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I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I'm glad to hear you're moving forward. It's good to see you back, even if it's for a brief pop in.

Suicide is my greatest fear. Not for myself, but for my son. He struggles with it occasionally too. You're right. For those left behind, especially the ones you love the most, it would be devastating and the most pain imaginable. 

You're doing the right things, keep it up tim. You'll always find love and support here. xoxo❤

Edited by kbois
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Mikiesboy
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45 minutes ago, kbois said:

Suicide is my greatest fear. Not for myself, but for my son. He struggles with it occasionally too. You're right. For those left behind, especially the ones you love the most, it would be devastating and the most pain imaginable. 

This .. this is what stops me to be honest. i don't want to hurt anyone.

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Reader1810
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Love you because of the man I see you to be. You never need to change or ‘put on a face’ for me

Take care, tim, and remember “smug” people are just needing to boost their own egos. 

xoxo

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Mikiesboy
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5 hours ago, Reader1810 said:

Love you because of the man I see you to be. You never need to change or ‘put on a face’ for me

Take care, tim, and remember “smug” people are just needing to boost their own egos. 

xoxo

Maybe they do need to boost their ego, or maybe i did something to hurt them. What bothers me is there's no talk, no questions, just a decision on their part.   But those choices were an opportunity for me to learn, because i've been guilty of the same.  Online is hard, but now i ask questions, to make sure i'm not just assuming. 

You've always been there for me and i'm grateful for your love and support.  xoxo

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Mancunian

I'm sorry to see that you have had a rough time of things lately and sincerely hope that you are coming out the other side stronger and better for it. If I am one those people that you have referred to in your post then I unreservedly and wholeheartedly apologise as I would never knowingly or intentionally wish to cause harm in any way to anyone.

What you have written takes courage and a special strength, I hope that you can keep that courage and strength within you. I can, to some degree at least, understand what you have experienced and how it has made you feel after having gone through a similar experience. What I wrote and posted in https://gayauthors.org/story/mancunian/a-brief-period-of-life/ explains it best. Luckily I have a good support network which with professional support enables me to be here today. I believe that you too have great support in your husband who I believe is a very loving a supportive man, lean on him and trust in him and it will help.

During my last stay in hospital following, thankfully, an unsuccessful attempt at taking my own life I was placed in a ward  with some great counsellors and nurses who helped me to see thing in different way. Around the ward were many posters created by other survivors, they are of quotes by famous people that had inspired them. I have printed some of these quotes and framed them placing them around my home so that I can have a few helpful reminders when I'm feeling down, I've listed a few in the hope that they may be of help to you too. I wish you well for the future and that you can regain your enjoyment of being a part of GA.

 

Winston Churchill

“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force, never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

 

Nelson Mandela

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

 

Oprah Winfrey

If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.

 

Audrey Hepburn

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, ‘I'm possible!'"

 

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Mikiesboy
10 hours ago, Mancunian said:

I'm sorry to see that you have had a rough time of things lately

Thanks for your comments.

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Mikiesboy
On 4/2/2022 at 3:30 PM, chris191070 said:

Hugs tim. 

i'm sorry, chris ... i missed replying to you.  Thanks for your friendship and for being part of our little group.  xo

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rickproehl

sorry to hear you are having a rough time, tim. with my brothers stoke we enjoy the small things. holding a fork without dropping it, a smile , taking a step. trust the process and when things are rough lean on Michael, Sir 

take care my friend.

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Mikiesboy
On 4/10/2022 at 12:52 PM, rickproehl said:

sorry to hear you are having a rough time, tim. with my brothers stoke we enjoy the small things. holding a fork without dropping it, a smile , taking a step. trust the process and when things are rough lean on Michael, Sir 

take care my friend.

rick, you are precious ... your words here made me smile.  Your brother is a lucky man to have you by his side.  i'm listening to you as well, thank you xoxo

you're right about Michael, He is my anchor and safety net ...

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Mikiesboy
17 hours ago, nsfwkid said:

hey what happen

:)  not much has happened, just working and daily living.   Hope you are are well.

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