A child who has cancer

[Tiger]

Well, a friend of mine told me that his daughter has cancer, and from the sound of it, it's spread all through her body, as in it sounds like it's stage 4. It really sucks. I like to help people when I can, but the possible impending death of a child... I mean, how do you respond to that? I have no idea what to say. I don't have any kids yet, but I know I'd be a total mess in a situation like that. As horrible as it is, and more importantly, as difficult as it is to talk about, has anyone here been through something like this? I really have no idea what to say. Can someone point me in the right direction?

[Benji]

Well, a friend of mine told me that his daughter has cancer, and from the sound of it, it's spread all through her body, as in it sounds like it's stage 4. It really sucks. I like to help people when I can, but the possible impending death of a child... I mean, how do you respond to that? I have no idea what to say. I don't have any kids yet, but I know I'd be a total mess in a situation like that. As horrible as it is, and more importantly, as difficult as it is to talk about, has anyone here been through something like this? I really have no idea what to say. Can someone point me in the right direction?

 

...........The real sad thing is that there isn't much to say! It happens, and it is more heartbreaking when it happens to the children, so young, a life not fulfilled yet. I've lost five family members in the last 2 years, only one to cancer and it was my sister-in-law that passed three weeks ago, beating her doctors projections by 9 months. Some people respond to treatment, others do not, if there is any relief I'd guess that there was time to love, project life with family and and have time to say good bye. That doesn't sound charitable to say to the parents of a dying child, as much as the truth of it be fact.

 

I suggest you listen to them when they anguish and offer them your support, do not throw out life preservers such as religion, or medical advancements, or anything that you think will provide giving them a false hope. Their lives are going to be in enough turmoil over this and don't need 'invented promises of hope'. They need support to get them through this and to eventually heal together afterwords.

[Dion]

Tell him what you just said here. That it sucks and you don't know what to say. That you think he's handling it better than you could.

 

The biggest, most important thing you can do is offer your support. Let him know you're there for him.

[Nephylim]

There really isn't much to add to what has already been said. The very fact that you came on here to look for help says a lot about the kind of friend you are.

 

As a mother I can honstly say there is nothing in the world as bad as seeing your child sick or in pain and I feel for what this poor person must be going through. As someone who has lost many people in their life...not a child touch wood... I would say the most important thing is to be alert for when they want to talk about it and when they don't. People react in different ways and by and large others try to avoid the subject like the plague but sometimes it is a relief to talk to someone about the anger, fear, pain etc.

 

Just be open hun and be there. If you need to talk, to rant, to scream and shout we are here.

[JamesSavik]

Tiger-

 

I can't give you an easy answer to this question.

 

I'll tell you what I've done in similar circumstances and see if it makes sense to you.

 

When a family has a crisis like this, their time becomes precious. They may be saying goodbye to a loved one and little mundane day-to-day things just become a nuisance.

 

I have:

 

-Volunteered to move the lawn

-Carpooled family members between the house/hospital/hotel

-Collected mail, delivered it to the hospital

-delivered food to the family

 

It all depends on what they need and what you have time to do.

[YaP]

Tell him what you just said here. That it sucks and you don't know what to say. That you think he's handling it better than you could.

 

The biggest, most important thing you can do is offer your support. Let him know you're there for him.

 

thats prettty much what i think one can do in a situation like this. Offer moral support, an open ear, and a shoulder. Other than that, its "only" the practical little things Jamessavik pointed out - they may not sound as much, but it can be a real help if somebody handles some of this "trivial" all day stuff.

[old bob]

I have no idea what to say. I don't have any kids yet, but I know I'd be a total mess in a situation like that. As horrible as it is, and more importantly, as difficult as it is to talk about, has anyone here been through something like this? I really have no idea what to say. Can someone point me in the right direction?

Sometimes, the best thing is just to say that you share his sorrow, but even better it is to say nothing, just to stay with your friend and to hug him.You can say a lot without speaking any word just to look in his eyes with yours. Silent communication is often the best.

BTW, my daughter died at 43 6 years ago and my eldest son at 56 last year. But to lose a little child is certainly worst.

[MikeL]

Cancer is a difficult thing, even when it's an elderly relative who is dying. Our next door neighbors lost their seven year old son to brain cancer some years ago. It was devastating, but the burden was shared by friends and neighbors and their church family. There were a number of people providing the care and services mentioned here by others.

 

If a support group has formed around the family, join it. Doing something is the best way to express your concern...much better than words. If no such group exists, why not start one?

[Tiger]

Well, I did tell him that it sucks. I mean, it really does. Children are supposed to be our future, and you're supposed to die before your child, so it really hurts parents when they lose their children. Hopefully, she'll survive, but from what he's told me, the chances aren't very good. There's not much I can do for him as he actually lives on a different continent.

[James_Freestone]

I don't talk about this much, but I am a cancer survivor. I had lung cancer up until I was 13 years old. At one point it got so bad that the doctor told my mother to start funeral arrangements early. Then one day, I went for the usual checkup and apparently it had reduced a significant amount. It took a couple months of treatments still but eventually it all cleared up. This is why I am such a strong believer in God. I know without him, I wouldn't be here, and I love it here.

 

If you would like to hear more about my cancer fight, just let me know.

[Tiger]

He confirmed the other day that her cancer is terminal. I might not have mentioned this before, but my friend is an Australian.

[paya]

He confirmed the other day that her cancer is terminal. I might not have mentioned this before, but my friend is an Australian.

 

Our neighbour had a daughter who died on a brain tumor, she had cancer that wasn't operable... well in such time you don't have much possibilities what to do. The least, what my parents did for our neighbour, is to offer him your time for words of consolation and to listen to him - he has to expell all the feelings and pain from his body and that goes by words. Let him talk to you or talk to him if he's closing up and try to ease his pain.

[miker33]

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's daughter's cancer is terminal. It is too terrible to hear about that. I knew two people very well (they went to my high school) who had cancer. The boy was battling against brain cancer that was operable for 10 years (since age 7) but lost his battle in 2007 at age 18. The girl was battling against a rare form of bone cancer in children, but not rare in adults, for 5 years (since age 11.5) but lost her battle in 2008 at age 16. It sucks a lot that chemotherapy and radiation treatments aren't working for both of them. Their parents had a really tough time to know that the treatments for them aren't working and there are no more options left. They spend as much as they can with their dying child, and the community, friends, family and school offered to help them out during this crisis. My suggestion is that you should be there for your friend, no matter what. Just talk to him to take his mind off about his daughter's terminal illness.

 

 

Edited September 23, 2009 by miker33

[Tiger]

Strangely enough, he really hasn't mentioned it lately. I think he's back in denial about it. I fear that when and if something does happen, he's going to lose it completely.

[Tiff]

Strangely enough, he really hasn't mentioned it lately. I think he's back in denial about it. I fear that when and if something does happen, he's going to lose it completely.

Denial is a scary thing, because he can literally trick himself into a different fantasy world and when the time comes and reality hits for the second time, he'll be so lost in the denial that he won't be able to handle it. He may lose it or do something terrible.

 

It would be hard to get through to someone like that with just words. He's Australian, so he's not living in the US, then? I guess just keep talking to him, look for hints, and just support him. Easier said than done of course and words can only do so much, but for now, that's the limit.

[Former Member]

I have nothing to say.