Cody in Wyoming (new chapter)

[gardentuber]

I've just uploaded a new chapter of my story about a couple of adult men exploring boundaries and (eventual) intimacy. You'll find it (not surprisingly) in the eFiction part of the site.

 

This is my second attempt at writing fiction and my first time sharing it, so feedback is welcome. As always, please be kind (though not untruthful!).

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=1143&textsize=0&chapter=3

[gardentuber]

Um... Hello?

 

First the business: a new chapter's up... finally some quality time between the guys.

 

Second: Response has been... um... minimal. Thanks to those who have reviewed the story.

 

Now, I don't want to be perceived as whining 'cause I'm enjoying myself composing this story. I'm comfortable with what's "on the page". I'm confident with how it's constructed. Technically, I'm trying to focus on using strong verbs, on not using the passive voice, on good grammar and spelling. The small response has me wondering if the pacing is too slow? the characters too dull? too old? the tone too heady? or too heavy? Is there not enough plot? activity? action? sex? romance?

 

I welcome feedback.

[Nephylim]

I don't think any of that is the case. I am liking the story very much. It is different to a lot of what is posted here and I find it refreshing and rewarding. I have found myself that response is always slow. There is the occasional review and, if something catches someone's imagination, the odd comment in discussion. I think that, like everything and everywhere else people react slowly to something new and stick to what they know... which is fine. Enjoy the ride and know you have at least one reader who is travelling with you and enjoying the sights along the way.

[gardentuber]

Yes, there's another chapter up. Check it out. No whining this time! Here's the link for Chapter 7 => My link

 

Enjoy!

[Zeoanne]

Oh my dear! keep on posting your chapters! I'm really loving your story... will comment after I read the latest installment... Ciao Bambino~!!!

[Toast]

This story is noteworthy. I hope more readers give it a try. Thanks gardentuber for a great read.

[gardentuber]

OK, this is it, the end of the tale.

 

I can't believe I've actually completed a story! (pats himself on back)

 

All you who have been waiting for the story to be completed to start reading it... now's the time.

 

Thanks to the loyal folks who have contacted me about the story. Thanks for the support. It made the writing and sharing a whole lot easier! As for the demographics: it seems the story's loyal readers are mostly female and mostly (one never discusses a lady's age!) of a certain age. I don't know what that says about the story or about me.

 

Cheers All!

 

Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

 

 

PS... I'm considering a final chapter, sort of an epilogue, just to tie things up sweetly. We'll see.

[gardentuber]

OK, this is it, the end of the tale.

 

I can't believe I've actually completed a story! (pats himself on back)

 

All you who have been waiting for the story to be completed to start reading it... now's the time.

 

Thanks to the loyal folks who have contacted me about the story. Thanks for the support. It made the writing and sharing a whole lot easier! As for the demographics: it seems the story's loyal readers are mostly female and mostly (one never discusses a lady's age!) of a certain age. I don't know what that says about the story or about me.

 

Cheers All!

 

Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

 

 

PS... I'm considering a final chapter, sort of an epilogue, just to tie things up sweetly. We'll see.

 

 

Nevermind. New and final chapter will arrive in the new year. I've been forced to reconsider the conclusion. Nephylim can be so... um... persuasive!

[Nephylim]

YAY!!!!

[Toast]

I love this particular story and I love your writing. Go where you want to go. Add more to this one or start a new one. I will read and enjoy.

[gardentuber]

More to come...

 

While writing continues to be time consuming, it's really fun. I'm learning so much: about the subject matter, about writing, about my state of mind.

 

Well, enjoy: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los Angeles)

[gardentuber]

A simple FYI. Check the new chapter and, please!, feel free to comment.

 

Chapter 10 -- Finally at the Jaialdi!

[gardentuber]

OK, folks, here it is, the penultimate chapter. I think I can say this is almost concluded. I hope so, at least. As some of you know, the last time I tried to end this, I got lots of responses, not one of which was positive. So, I've written lots more for you all. And, in truth, y'all were right. The story's better for having continued. My excuse is: I've never written a full story before, so I'm bound to make some mistakes!

 

Here it is: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm

 

Enjoy!

 

Oh, and responses, thoughts, criticisms, reviews, opinions, rants and kudos are welcome. Bring it on!

[gardentuber]

Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

 

Whew! I think that's enough. Really. Please. I want to move on to a new project. Please.

 

If there's a groundswell of negative reaction... well... I don't know. I'm kinda done with these folks for now. Yeah, it could go on, especially if the core character switched to Alain, but, really, let 'em rest. Let me rest. Please.

 

Give me a holler with feelings, thoughts, responses, likes, dislikes, preferences and all. Bye for now!

[solitario]

I love this story. I'm so glad you added to it. I'm hoping you will come back to it and give us snippets of their future together at some point. It's nice to have a story with adult characters dealing with real world issues. Very well written.

[gardentuber]

I love this story. I'm so glad you added to it. I'm hoping you will come back to it and give us snippets of their future together at some point. It's nice to have a story with adult characters dealing with real world issues. Very well written.

 

Thank you for the positive feedback. I like the characters a lot. I've thought about writing another chapter to check in on Rence, Karl, Alain et. al. after several years have passed. It'd be fun to revisit Rence and Karl as they get accustomed to one another and become an institution and Alain as he makes his way in the world. I'm missing them already. However, I've been juggling several new characters from a completely different story line and I want to focus on the new characters and story for the time being. I've learned so much and would like to apply some of those new ideas in a different structure. It'll be a while before I upload a new story, though. I want to complete the next story before beginning to upload. I hope that'll give it more consistency from chapter to chapter. Also, I want to get someone to beta or edit it. Any takers?

 

As for characters... I think I'll stick with adults. For one thing, I know how I feel now much better than I remember how I felt as a teenager. I can write much more honestly about adults than I can about youths. If I were a better writer, perhaps I could construct complex young characters, but... 'Write what you know!" 'n all... Also, there's so much on GA (and other gay fiction sites) addressing the interests of youths. There's much less about grown ups. Youngsters are well covered by other authors. This'll be my niche.

 

So, many thanks!

[Cia]

Reviews from e-fiction as of Dec. 22, 2010

 

 

Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

Reviewer: bugeye

 

I am glad I finished the story. Karl and Rence have a lot together. One of

the best stories on GA.Author's Response: Thanks for your support,

Sam. I'm glad you made it through to the end. It's been months since I finished

and I'm kinda missing some parts of the story. I've been busily working on a new

story. The next will be completed before i start to post. Different

process:different product. It's all new and an experiment to me.

Date: 09/23/2010 05:05 PM

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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

Reviewer: Alan Keslian

 

 

 

This is very much the kind of novel that I enjoy.

Gay characters who are strongly drawn to each other sexually and emotionally

always interest me, whilst convincing stories about such relationships are very

rare. Tales of the so-called gay scene, or about poseurs, or rampant

promiscuity, hard core sex, kinky, sex etc. etc. are plentiful, but convincing

writing about gay relationships is unusual.

 

Both the main characters here have broken up with

partners some time previously. Karl was deserted, but in Cody's case he was the

one who decided to leave. That later each should both be lonely and feel

deprived of affection really set me thinking. In stories of break-ups one party

is commonly portrayed as being at fault, e.g. the one who finds someone else who

is sexier, richer - or decides that fun is what they wanted after all, without

the complications of a relationship. The dynamics between the characters here

have many more facets than that, and this makes them interesting and

likeable.

 

There is some excellent story telling too. The

incident in which a coyote is shot during a late drive to the farm in darkness

is thrilling, but also prepares for a broader change of tone from the

sophistication of city life to the rawness of rearing livestock on a remote

farm. Some of the longer exchanges in dialogue conveyed a real sense of the two

men developing an understanding of each other so effectively I wondered if you

had experience of screen writing.

 

Thanks so much for the opportunity to read this

novel. If I'd seen it in a bookshop I would have been happy to buy it.

 

I've been wondering a bit about your pen-name

“gardentuber”. I assume you do not have a large scale agricultural type of tuber

in mind, and hazard a guess at a dahlia or begonia cultivar, one doubtless much

sought after in horticultural circles.

Author's Response:

Alan, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. There is a subgroup of

readers on this website who enjoy fiction about relationships rather than sexual

encounters. This story has received a great deal of interest and support

from those folks. In checking how those folks identify themselves, they

tend to be older and a distinct number are women (on that last point... I hate

to say it conforms to a stereotype, but, well... I won't say it!).

I'm an older gay man, so I've experienced complex relationships. I know

that people who choose to end relationships aren't villains. I know that

people who are dumped are victims only if they choose to be. In rethinking

the story, I can imagine more being made of the protagonist's different

relationship history.

You mentioned screen writing. You mentioned finding a story such as

'Cody' on a bookstore shelf. I like those ideas (!), but as I mentioned an

embarrassing number of times, this was my first attempt at sharing my writing.

Let's just say; I care about the language; I care about what I read; I

care about how people interact. That is what motivated me to write

'Cody'.

As for the screen name... gardencorm doesn't have rhythm... bulbgardener is

too descriptive... potatohead? maybe... I like the rhythm of gardentuber and it

describes an aspect of gardening that has kept me fascinated for years -

gardening with geophytes (bulbs, tubers, corms and other underground storage

structures). Instead of Dahlias and Begonias, think Colchicums and

Cyclamen. I'm proud to say I have seven species of Cyclamen in my garden.

Woot!

Oh, and Alan, I've enjoyed reading your stories. Thank you for sharing

them. I like how you care for the language at the same time you care about

your characters. Does it sound too dull to say your stories are 'well

considered'?

 

Date: 07/07/2010 12:05 PM

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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

Reviewer: phana14

 

Well, well, Mister garden tuber.

From a nervous start (yours) to questioning whether the story could run the

distance (mine) here we meet at the end. And you have floored me!

Do you remember my "eeeww" in the first or second post? Well now I understand

HOW an older couple can actually happen-actually be REAL!

This is a beautiful, touching story. Right up to the last few paragraphs I

was wondering how Karl and Rence could make their affection span those oh so

many miles that lay between their respective lives. But you covered that

distance so well.

I only have two more remarks about the story: I cannot BELIEVE that you

said "baby-snookums" and "sweetie honeybunch"! Dude, Really! And also I just

KNEW that Alain was gay when I saw him walking down the hallway in front of

Karl! Think about it. Loose fitting fruit of the looms? Oh yeah!

Sweet-cheeks!

Mr. gardentuber. Please keep writing stories, because I think you are VERY

good at it!

And thank you very much for this one.Author's Response:

phana14... you say the nicest things: that you forged a new understanding,

that the story kept you guessing, that you found it touching and beautiful.

Thank you so much, sugartuchus! Oh, and you realized that Alain was

gay long before I did... really. Like I wrote earlier, I can be a bit

naive.

Keep an eye out. I finally found a storyline that is easy to write.

You may see it up on GA this summer. This time, though, I'm gonna

finish the entire story before beginning to post. I believe it will aid in

the continuity (and diminish the pressure in getting chapters up in a timely

fashion).

Date: 06/30/2010 09:11 PM

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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los

Angeles) Reviewer: phana14

 

OK NOW, Mr. gardentuber!

It seems to me that ole Rencee is trying to use his young nephew as a carrot.

If that were the case, it would bring a question to MY mind straight away.

Is Rence SO enamored of Karl that he would use that method to "capture" Karl? Is

Rence actually that serious about starting a relationship? Or should we be

remembering how Karl was caught "looking" at Alain on that visit to the Ranch?

Huh?

Just curious!

The story is STILL moving along at a perfect pace, Mr. gardentuber. And right

at the moment I love both of the characters about equally. p

Thanks.Author's Response:

Holy Moly and Gadzooks! Dang, you thought that? No, truly,

sarcasm aside, the thought never crossed my mind. I'll admit to a degree

of (schooled) naivete. Was there a subconscious urge? No, despite

what some folks think, older guys aren't itchin' to jump into the sack with any

young guy. You know, fine wine, aged cheese... stuff like that...

Back when I was performing, a choreographer I was collaborating with gave me

a list of gestures to do. One (and I hope my powers of description are up

to the job) had my left hand holding my right wrist while my right hand made a

fist. I rotated my right forearm. Pretty simple. A friend (an

exotic dancer/dominatrix) saw the performance and later asked me privately, "Was

that gesture about fisting?"

You never know how you're going to be interpreted.

Thanks for sticking with it and even more, thanks for commenting! (and

even more... for being complimentary! I like compliments!)

Date: 06/30/2010 06:44 PM

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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch

Reviewer: phana14

 

Hello again, mr. gardentuber,

Your story shows that you are becoming much more comfortable with it. It has

become a whole lot smoother the farther I get into it.

I really love the fact that you are not hurrying Karl or Rence into anything.

That, I am sure, is due to their maturity. Because of that, I find that I would

much rather be curled up on a couch, in front of an open fire, with this story

on my lap, than sitting in front of this pc while the temperature outside is

just over 100 degrees.

In other words, Mr. gardentuber, first story or fiftieth story doesn't

matter. I am loving THIS story!

Thank you so much!!Author's Response:

Ugh! 100 degrees! That's uncivilized! Here in the PNW,

we've only topped 75 degrees once this season (it's exceptionally cool so far

this year... the tomatoes won't bear well I suspect). We're civilized, we

are (if tomato-less). But don't move here!

I agree, it's a better story to read on a laptop while curled up with in

front of a warm fire than to read under sweltering conditions.

Your enjoying the pacing implies that you are mature as well, at least for

your age ;}

Date: 06/30/2010 04:55 PM

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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: phana14

 

Hey, Mr. gardentuber,

I am absolutely LOVING this story! Please continue. (ok--i'm jk)

At last I know why the *strange* names. I had been thinking maybe Native

American Indian. Guess not.

Thank you lots for the story so far! :)Author's Response:

HI again - it's strange to find new reviews to a story I stepped away from

over a month ago. It's satisfying to find that people (I mean you,

phana14) are just getting familiar with it.

I used to be a dancer/performer (legitimate of course). Dance is an

ephemeral art; when the dancing is done, the artwork is over. Even the

choreography exists mostly in the memories of the choreographer, performers and

audience. It's so unlike writing which creates this artifact... a story...

that continues to exist after the creative work is complete. I suppose

I'll get accustomed to this. Eventually.

I've been playing with/wrestling with a number of other plot lines, but

nothing so far... I get to chapter 6 or 7 and bog down. Someday, you might

find another gardentuber tale here on GA.

Until then, enjoy 'Cody in Wyoming'!

Date: 06/28/2010 07:43 PM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: phana14

 

Hello again, Mr. gardentuber,

I had a little trouble back on chapter 2. I think maybe the *fancy* words

didn't quite fit the atmosphere of the story as I was reading it.

However, you more than made up for it in this chapter! To be perfectly

honest, at the start of the story I was thinking "two old men in a relationship?

eeeww. But somehow you opened my closed mind and I can see, really see,

something sweet can come of this budding interest that Karl and Rence have in

each other.

This is your story and I'm sticking to it!Author's Response:

Heya phana14... thanks for sticking with my story.

I believe (and hope) you'll find the reading easier as the story continues.

As mentioned earlier and repeatedly - this was a first attempt at sharing

my writing. I learned a great deal in the process.

Maybe to you an 'old man' elicited an initial 'eeeww' but to us older guys,

well, at least to me, I get tired of reading about kids getting off. You

know what I mean. "AUNGHHH!!! he screamed!" Been there, got the

t-shirt... etc... Like I said, I'm glad you've stuck with it. I

figure a tale of two people learning how to be intimate doesn't create the

readership of a tale of intrigue and adventure, but may be more true-to-life.

That's the assumption I'm working from. That and the assumption

it'll be interesting enough to build a modest readership.

So... thank you for reading.

Date: 06/28/2010 05:44 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: phana14

 

Hello, gardentuber!

Well. It is certainly interesting enough to make ME want to keep going.

So I shall.

Date: 06/28/2010 04:14 PM

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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm

Reviewer: Clovis

 

Excellent

Date: 05/07/2010 12:24 AM

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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los

Angeles) Reviewer: Clovis

This is fun...I knew that the world would not end if I couldn’t arrange to

be grafted onto Rence’s flank in the following three days.so is this: - What

was the verb form? Contuse? The description of the bashing and follow up is

excelent!!! You write very well.I find it incomprehensible, after all the

internal monologue of love feelings and phone calls that Karl should then sat he

didnt want to share a room. Were i Rence I'd drop him...Author's

Response:

Yeah, I would have been in Rence's/Karl's shorts in a quick minute.

But they chose to be more circumspect. Maybe if Alain hadn't

accompanied Rence they would have done the dirty? On NPR, I hear authors

talking about characters running away from them. I suppose that's what

Rence and Karl did.

It's fun writing. I'm so pleased that you're having fun reading.

Thank you for the compliment.

Date: 05/06/2010 04:52 PM

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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

Reviewer: Clovis

I’d love to be able to attend a concert or a play.Now it's Rence who

sounds prissy. Why not "I'd love to see you on stage?" then Karl speaks

normally for the forst time... I hadn’t yet caught my breath. “Rence… that was…

awesome… f**kin’ incredible! I’m never gonna forget that! I wanna do it again.”

Suddenly he seems like a real person and i like him.Dialogue is so important

to get right - to make the characters believable. A very sweet and lovely

chapter, what a dilemma! The end notes are unnecessary. I love the way you write

sometimes.... "the semiotics of the attire".... Are you really like that? is

that how you speak? You should write an autobiography... i think you're

interesting.Author's Response:

Oh dear! I'm finding I want to explain myself. It that's necessary,

then I've failed the first time 'round, in writing the story. To my mind,

Rence just wanted access to culture, access he didn't have because of living on

his ranch but that he'd once had at the U of Nevada - Reno. Good point,

though; Rence probably would

like to see Karl onstage.

Again, I had to reread the chapter. I'm becoming more and more aware

how it could use a rewrite, especially to tighten up on the dialog, as you've

pointed out.

'Semiotics of attire'? Well, I do talk about semiotics, now and again.

While writing, I liked the phrase 'semiotics of attire'. I like the

repetition of the 't's.

Date: 05/05/2010 04:42 PM

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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch

Reviewer: Clovis

Oh dear... Karl came across as a spoiled brat there for a bit. Redeemed

himself at the end. His description of acting being just a job is very good and

true, plus the terrible downside of fame, sexy description of Rence...

interecting to learn about the dangers of coyotes...Author's Response:

Don't know what you Aussies have that corresponds with coyotes. They

form the basis for a number of Native American myths. They're a

'trickster' character, full of 'up yours' and just a little too smart for their

own good but willing to puncture the egos of self-assured humans. I hear

them some nights as I lay in bed. They make the most outlandish sounds.

Sometimes, I think a baby's being killed slowly. My friends

tell tales of losing sheep to the varmints. 'All we found was a rear leg

and the stomach.' Lovely. You can't keep outdoor cats around here -

or small dogs - between the coyotes and the bald eagles.

Yeah, Karl's a bit full of himself. His heart's in the right place

though.

Date: 05/05/2010 12:48 AM

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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch

Reviewer: Clovis

 

Excellent first two paragraphs! The rest is fine too, but your somewhat

dry, almost academic style is not what one would expect in a "Western Roamnce".

phrases like: 'I had struggled with my libido but was glad now that I hadn’t

acceded to the desire for quick intimacy.'the chatter among the adolescent

admirers was convincing. .Author's Response: I've always thought a

writer should reread his/her entire story before preparing a new chapter (at

least if they're writing a serial as I did). Then I wrote this story and didn't

bother. My writing style slid around a lot over the months I wrote. You'll see

that as the story comes to a conclusion. I think (hope) it's less dry and

academic. I can't believe I had the chutzpah to write teenspeak. At least that

wasn't too academic!

Date: 05/04/2010 05:13 AM

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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The

Theater Reviewer: Clovis

This is a very chatty story. lots of intimate family details and goins on

that have little to do with the plot... scene setters. That's interesting for a

while. Sometimes I think your prose is a bit too elaboratly polite -- for

example, you write: “Well, Karl, that’s a good place to start. Can you stay with

me while I recite a little family history?”I nodded and gave him a

non-verbal cue to show my agreement."surely it would go something like

this:"Are you sure? Family histories can get pretty boring" I nodded and

grinned to show I was genuinely interested.As an ex-actor, I have met many

Anthonys... Karl did well to refuse.Punctuation of speech is simple. Start

with the "marks, then if the speech is long and requires a new paragraph, don't

stop the "s, simply carry on until the end and then put them in. If you put in "

part way through a speech, it makes me think another person has begun to speak.

Your trick of telling the story of Cody as a series of flashbacks, is novel

and entertaining.Author's Response:

Somewhere around chapter 9 I started to read the dialog aloud and realized

how stilted mine could sound. I've tried to improve on that aspect of

writing. In fact, you'll find that I've become enamored of dialog and

tried to remove descriptions of action and let the dialog tell the entire tale,

like a theatrical script. It was the kind of goal (like a school

assignment) I set for myself to keep exploring writing while I continued to

extend the plot.

i tried several different ways to structure dialog while writing the story.

Some weren't so successful! I lean heavily on the excuse of being a

new writer.

And finally, Anthony... if truth be told, I was a bit of an Anthony when I

was in my twenties. I'm not so proud of that part of my history.

Date: 05/04/2010 01:55 AM

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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Clovis

Aw shucks... I must say Karl is a bit slow on the uptake... bet he's a

bottom as well.

Date: 05/03/2010 09:37 PM

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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Clovis

Aw shucks... I must say Karl is a bit slow on the uptake... bet he's a

bottom as well.Author's Response:

No comment.

You're forcing me to reread the story, which means I'm finding errors that I

missed the first time round. I'm finding errors and am seeing how much

I've learned while writing the story over these 9 months (or so). It's

great to revisit the scene of the crime.

Date: 05/03/2010 09:37 PM

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Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: Clovis

I loved all the possible scenarios that might encompass the life of Cody.

It was amusing to read this: ".... thoughts of my mom’s coming move to the

radio..." Had to stop and think for a bit. Well, this was a surprise... not

the obvious thing at all... makes it interesting.Author's Response:

Ewww... you.... I hate you! I hate you!!! I have been humiliated here on GA!

Shamed! I will now sulk in a dark corner.

OK... I hate making stupid mistakes. Really I do. And that error

was (is) a pretty rich one! Yes, it's true, the mother is moving to an

alternate reality, but because she's of an age, it'll be on the radio, rather

than on the web. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

What I want most is for a reader to be able to read along without having to

stop to wonder what I meant as an author. I've tried to keep double

meanings to attempted witticisms rather than ham handed and clumsy locutions

like you pointed out. An editor, that's what I need!

Date: 05/03/2010 09:06 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: gardentuber

 

This is tiresome! I respond to a review and it doesn't appear in the frame.

Argh! And now the font size is funky! Oh! Horrors!

So, the response to Clovis' review follows:

It's true... I get tired of reading about teens. There's a lot of drama in a

teenager's life, but it's not like human development and drama end at 20. And

I'm not a teen anymore (insert sardonic emoticon here).

I had to check on the story to understand your comment about the gas pump. It

was the cardswipe on the pump that didn't function (so you couldn't pay at the

pump, forcing Karl inside to pay), not the pump itself. This interaction

describes an event in my life a few years ago, an event upon which the rest of

the story is fabricated. I hate missing obvious errors (though you're sure to

find some as you read further). Since the story was written and edited chapter

by chapterl, there are some inconsistencies between chapters. It could use a

re-edit.

As as for them getting together... Well, I'm probably not gonna shock you

with a spoiler, but they do. Eventually. It's a pretty simple plot line, but I

figured I'd keep it simple on my first time out the gate.

Thanks, Clovis!

Date: 05/03/2010 09:02 AM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Clovis

What a relief to read about normal mature men. Good description of the

store guy... The note said the gas pumps were out of service, but then they

worked perfectly? Good start, I already want them to get

together.Author's Response: Author's Response: Author's

Response:

Date: 05/03/2010 01:14 AM

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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

Reviewer: Kevin Caucher

 

Great ending to a great story. Ha, how lucky I was to get introduced to

this!Very nice. :)Author's Response: Gee, thanks! I'm relieved that

you found the ending acceptable. I'm not experienced at writing, so I worried

about providing sufficient resolution, especially after my first attempted

ending (which got a lot of negative feedback!) As stated elsewhere, no harm done

and no hard feelings. Thanks, Kevin

Date: 04/29/2010 01:31 PM

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Title: Chapter 12 -- An Eventful First Year

Reviewer: Nephylim

 

 

I never thought that fishing could be interesting And discussions on

cheese, I LOVE Mona... she reminds me of my daughter I like the sound of the

tattoo... I don't know why it surprised me. Didn't have Rence marked as a

tattoo kind of guy. The sex was wicked and sweet at the same time. And the

ending.... the ending is awesome :)Author's Response:

You've got

a daughter like Mona? Wow! Cool! I had so much fun writing that portion. I'm

still amazed that that language came from me, quiet little church mouse that I

am.

Years ago, I read a book about fishing. I've never had the patience for

it myself, but the writing made it sound spiritual. It's amazing what gets

regurgitated!

The tattoo... it's a cultural thing, or Rence saw it that way... I had

such a good time researching Basque culture to write this.

Really, you thought the ending was awesome? For real? Thank you!

So much!

Now... I'm going to focus on other writing projects for a while.

Laters!

Date: 04/29/2010 10:01 AM

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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm

Reviewer: bugeye

 

 

This story is well worth the exploration.

Penultimate? Well, I look forward to the last chapter then. And to a new

story following this one?Author's Response: Yeah... I want to give

this one a rest. I don't know if I'm quite done with them, in the larger scheme,

but I'm ready to, well, like I wrote... give them a rest. Maybe some day I'll

revisit them. The story's not going to be done completely, but it'll reach a

degree of conclusion in the next chapter. I've put some time into another story,

more of an autobiography. I want to give it some attention. Then, there are

several other fictional accounts I'm flirting with.

Date: 03/28/2010 06:18 PM

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Title: Chapter 10 -- Finally at the Jaialdi!

Reviewer: bugeye

 

 

The part of my review where I gave this chapter five stars didn't post. Can't

have that.Author's Response: I tell you, something's buggy and I

don't mean you, Bugeye! As noted earlier, I've responded to other posts and the

response didn't show, even though it was confirmed on the site. Harumph! Thanks

for those shiny, sparkley stars! They're pretty!

Date: 03/26/2010 11:49 PM

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Title: Chapter 10 -- Finally at the Jaialdi!

Reviewer: bugeye

 

 

This chapter reminded me all over why I love this story. The beauty of being.

Well written and so dear to the heart of life.Author's Response:

Thanks, Bugeye!

Date: 03/25/2010 05:57 PM

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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los

Angeles) Reviewer: bugeye

 

Such a strong well written story.Author's Response: Thank you,

Bugeye. Your kind words and your support mean a lot to me. They help motivate me

to write. Receiving plaudits from someone you admire is very special. Thank

you.

Date: 03/22/2010 06:26 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Kevin Caucher

Ah. This is a great story. I'm glad I got introduced to this and get

addicted. But then, I'm waiting. :PGreat job, gardentuber.Author's

Response: I'm working on it, I swear! Every chapter is so different. If I were

to write a cohesive story, I can imagine how hard it would be to write with a

consistent voice throughout the entire piece. This one's so all-over-the-place.

Still, it's nice to just write, proof and re-write without my 'critic' getting

too involved. At least for this first attempt. Feel free to introduce others to

the story. Trying to drum up business here!

Date: 03/21/2010 11:59 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: gardentuber

OK, this is annoying. I responded to Nephylim's comment, but it doesn't

appear on the page, so this is the text, below. What follows refers to Neph's

review.Well, Nephylim, back in the day (early 80's), back in San

Francisco, there was a troupe of 'street tap dancers' who practiced near the

dance studio where I rehearsed and taught (modern & post-modern, not tap).

Rosie Radiator was the name of the leader, if my memory serves. It was a trip to

see 20+ people tapping en masse down the street in the industrial neighborhood.

And the sound! No one, however, wore a gorilla costume and a bikini. As I

remember, I dated a guy briefly who was a slack rope walker/acrobat/tap dancer

with a local circus troupe. I'm afraid he's long since passed as have most of

the men I knew back then. Sad face...Alain... what a piece of work!

Thanks for liking him, even wen he as a shit! I'm interested with the

lack of communication that occurs in conversations, especially confrontational

ones. You know, one person makes a point, their adversary makes a point that

doesn't actually bear on the first person's, though the points are related --

and so on. And another thing... I'm interested in how accusations are made that

are so off the mark, so full of assumptions, but that are so layered that

there's no way to respond to them without addressing each one individually and

in order. Who's got time for that, especially when you're feeling attacked and

are flustered and feeling defensive? Of course, some people have the perfect

response to every situation. Some people can think on their feet. Some people

are verbally gifted. Know anyone like that?As for ending the story...

I'm wanting to either try another story line or take a break. I've got a few

other potential plots that I'm stewing over. I've promised myself to write only

one at a time, knowing how easy it would be to start and then never complete a

story. Story of my life!I didn't proof this last chapter as thoroughly

as I usually do. I've not had the nerve to reread it, so I'm hoping there aren't

too many typos and related goofs!

Date: 03/12/2010 12:09 AM

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Title: Chapter 11 -- The Storm Before the Calm

Reviewer: Nephylim

 

'Hell, I don’t know if a gorilla in a bikini came tap dancing down the

street' Awesome... now that I would love to see

That was a pretty emotional chapter. I felt for Alain, I really did and

I can't help but say that I liked him even when he was being a shit

Another great chapter in a great story. I'm sorry it's coming to an end but

hey... all good things end. Don't worry I'm not expecting flowers and

fanfares. Like you said... life isn't like that. There are never any

happy ever after's... a happy for now will do.Author's Response:

Author's Response: Author's Response:

Date: 03/10/2010 04:41 AM

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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los

Angeles) Reviewer: acht-acht

 

 

Hi Brook, I´m happy you´re coming up with more chapters as

promised!

“Also, we talked about lambing, about guarding against

uterine prolapse, and about ewe’s milk production, liveweight gain and pasture

forage ratios. Strangely, I found Rence’s descriptions of his herds

fascinating. Despite feeling miffed that he hadn’t been around to provide

care during my recuperation, I kept asking him for more details as he described

his work on the ranches. My intended chilliness simply wasn’t working out

as I had intended. I found myself enjoying and looking forward to our

conversations when we could arrange the time. Despite the geographical

distance, our friendship was deepening.”

See, this ist just the way this story works for me … you draw

me in with the non-urban content!

“Shouldn’t he have made it a point of being by my side while that

exasperating police officer quizzed me yet again, trying to get a description of

my assailant? Shouldn’t he have seen through my protestations that

everything was alright and made it a point to be with me? I just didn’t

have the confidence that he was seriously interested in me and in us as a

couple, aside from thinking I was sexy. He still needed to prove himself

and his dedication before I was willing to think about us as a couple.”

Boo-hoo! Stop being such a girl, Karl At first I thought

the stabbing was just a story device to get Rence to LA (which would have

been a little so-so) … but it´s much better this way. You really do capture

awkward beautifully. “Bye, Rence. We’ll work out a way to see one

another.” LOL - that´s as good as an insult in my book. What struck me was

how beautifully choreographed the stabbing scene was, juggling the curries etc,

really like seeing everything in slow motion and great detail. Nice!! But it´s

real shitty when something like that spoils the first good chrush you´ve had for

quite a while.

 

“Then, I ran from hot to cold. Now, the mature me ran

from cool to tepid. In truth, I don’t know which is better, but I don’t

miss the maddening fluctuations. I feel much more ‘civilized’ and mature

now. “ Haha … right: there´s nothing wrong with keeping your feelings

within a range between cold and tepid for a time. A life and a relationship can

only endure so much drama – and even downright BORING can feel nice for a while.

Now I´m wondering wether things are gonna heat up again at the Jaialdi, or if

there are more unexpected rural obstacles ahead. It´s cool that Rence doesn´t

give up though.

Intimacy – sex – Jesus! It had been a really… long…

time. XD!!

 

I´m waiting!! Cheers, Clara

 

 

Author's Response:

Hey Clara,

Thanks as always for the positive comments. I'm so (so very, very) pleased

you've picked up on the subtext I've tried to create for the characters. I'm so

glad you can see Karl's short comings. I like him, but he's a bit of a prima

donna. I keep trying to illustrate his ambivalence without his saying "I was

feeling ambivalent". It only gets worse in the next chapter (before it gets

better)... but it's taking me a long time to write it. I keep forgetting that

I've not uploaded it yet because I've been living with it for several weeks now.

You're giving me some impetus to 'get on the stick' and continue with Rence

& Karl's story. I hope you'll be pleased.

 

Yeah, the stabbing scene... You know how reality morphs during an emergency

situation, how time and space contract? I come from a family that believes

in 'stiff upper lip... chin up, chest out'. We try to turn every situation

into a 'normal' occurrence. We're not heroes. Karl and his family

are modeled on mine. He tries so hard to be 'normal' and 'well behaved'

after being stabbed. I liked the play of his consciousness as he comes to

realize that he's far outside his definition of 'normal'.

Finally, looking at the quotation from the story, I see a grammatical error,

"Now, the mature me ran from cool to tepid." Shouldn't that read, "Now, the

mature me runs from cool to

tepid"? I remember proofreading it and thinking, 'something's wrong here',

but I couldn't identify the error. Now, it's blatant (not, 'Now, it was blatant)! Doh! I hate

making mistakes!

Date: 02/06/2010 05:32 PM

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Title: Chapter 9 -- Trouble in Paradise (Los

Angeles) Reviewer: Nephylim

 

Wow that was an intense chapter. I so love this story. It's sweet how

Karl almost convinved himself to distance himself from Rence but the

relationship just wouldn't let him go.Author's Response: You know...

each chapter is a challenge and an experiment for me. This one was an

exploration of drama (melodrama?). I never planned on harming my protagonist,

but it seemed the right thing to do. He just seemed too smug! Am I wicked? Your

imprecation to keep the story rolling has made me explore more of the

relationship between the two guys. I'm looking forward to their next encounter.

Boise, here we come! Mmmm! Pan fried trout! (or not... gotta wait to find out...

he he he...)

Date: 01/13/2010 05:00 AM

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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

Reviewer: acht-acht

 

 

Hey, that´s the last chapter? Why??? No!!! I was expecting like ... 8 more

chapters apprx. Will read tomorroe, but I still sthink you owe us some more

chapters/ epilogues/ future vignettes. ClaraAuthor's Response: Oh

Man... I blew it. Sorry to all. I'll have to figure out how to edit the comment.

Gotta keep my readers happy. It's just that I wanted to, I don't know, move

along a bit. I'll strap on the old feed bag and return to the harness and get

back to work. Sorry, gotta go... I've got some writing to do... ;-]

Date: 12/23/2009 06:57 PM

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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

Reviewer: bugeye

 

A great story has purpose and design and the fulfilment of these aspirations

is an author's greatest achievement. Like a sunset, this story's beauty is there

to be seen by any who turn and look.Author's Response: That is very

kind, bugeye. Thank you.

Date: 12/23/2009 04:50 PM

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Title: Chapter 8 -- "We Have To Talk"

Reviewer: Nephylim

 

 

Oh yes. You can't just leave them like this. This is not a

conclusion. You have to tell us more. This is a beautiful

heartwarmind story and I need to know more. I need to know how it ends...

or how it begins :)Author's Response: Oh alright. Shows you what I

know about writing. And I thought I had provided enough of a conclusion. My

error. Alright, I'll harness up the horses again and get out there and plow the

field of literature once again. For you... I kind of know what I had planned for

the 'epilogue' anyway. I hate epilogues (well, alright, I like them, but I hate

it if they're necessary). I guess an epilogue is necessary for this story.

Again, shows you what I know!

Date: 12/23/2009 02:26 PM

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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch

Reviewer: bugeye

 

It was more than a story to read, it was an experience to enjoy and

remember.

Date: 12/08/2009 12:45 PM

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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch

Reviewer: bugeye

 

 

I'm in story heaven.

Date: 12/08/2009 11:48 AM

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Title: Chapter 7 -- Day at the Y Ranch

Reviewer: Nephylim

 

 

What a sweeet ending indeed. I so love this story. It is slow and

sweet and gentle even when there are terrible things going on. It's like

pulling on a pair of comfortble slippers after a long hard day. not to say

that it is boring or uninspiring, no not at all, I find it very inspiring in

fact. Wonderful job

Date: 12/08/2009 08:52 AM

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Title: Chapter 6 -- The Trip to the Ynzunza Ranch

Reviewer: Nephylim

 

As always this is well written, charming and sensitive. I feel that we

are getting to know the characters and as their relationship develops we get

sucked into it, wanting it to work, caring about whether it works. The

descriptions are vivid and the emotions real. It's a great

storyAuthor's Response: You've been a loyal reader. Thanks for

sticking with it, especially as you're shackled to your computer with your

commitment to NaNoWriMo! Yeah, this being my first attempt at sharing my

writing, I've permitted myself a simple and direct plot line, no big surprises,

eh? Yeah, I want the relationship to work too and I even have an idea how it

might work, as improbable as the relationship is. Yeah, the characters are

likable; one wants them to be happy. That tells you something about my world

view, doesn't it! It's time for the protagonists to sit down and talk, don't you

think? Kind of a 'put up or shut up' time for the story. I'm getting tired of

their dancing around their mutual interest (should that read 'pussy footing'?).

I'm hard at work on the next chapter...

Date: 11/06/2009 01:53 AM

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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The

Theater Reviewer: bugeye

 

From the first paragraph I loved it. Just great. The real thing, real

writing.Author's Response: Bugeye, Thank you. It's great to think

that the chapter is engaging or even gripping. Some chapters have been easy to

write, others are pulling teeth. I like to think I'm a nice guy. I want the

story to be nice. I want the characters to be nice and to be nice to one

another. What a drama killer, all this niceness! Making characters less nice

makes the writing harder for me. I suppose I should try to write something with

some really evil villains to cure me of all this niceness. Next story? I'm

trying to create characters that have some depth to them, that endure internal

conflict and suffer setbacks (or at least have suffered them). I don't know if

that makes for a "realer" story, but I thank you for finding a sense of reality

in this tale. Thanks, Bugeye!

Date: 11/05/2009 08:36 PM

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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: bugeye

 

Why do I like this story so much? Is it the story? Is it the way you tell it?

Is it just the words? Is it the realness, the honesty?

Date: 10/29/2009 09:34 PM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: bugeye

 

Wow.Author's Response:

Date: 10/28/2009 07:39 PM

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Title: Chapter 2 Reviewer: bugeye

 

Simple, direct and concise storytelling. Consuming,

mesmerizingAuthor's Response: Wow! I wrote a full response to your

review of chapter three and it disappeared! Damn! Anyway... thanks for your

enthusiastic responses. It getting more difficult to write as the story

progresses, I've been trying to elaborate the characters and situations more,

but that means the later chapters are less direct, simple or concise. I'm

wrestling with the desire for detail and the desire for simplicity. In any case,

thank you very much!

Date: 10/27/2009 10:02 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: bugeye

 

Elegant.

Date: 10/26/2009 08:45 PM

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Title: Chapter 5 -- Sheep Stew Revisited & The

Theater Reviewer: acht-acht

 

Layover sounds good. More please!

 

Cheers, ClaraAuthor's Response: Yeah... next chapter. I've got it

mapped out up here (he gestures to his head). I've got to get to work, eh?

Thanks for the comment. Cheers!

Date: 10/26/2009 08:45 AM

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Title: Chapter 4 -- Sheep Stew Reviewer: Nephylim

 

This just gets better and better. I love the detail, the slowly

building tension, the sweet little cameos like the dogs in the yard, the

humour... do sheep grin? This is an important question in sheep country

which the Welsh valleys cetainly qualify as... I like it all. I am feeling for

the both of them and I hope they will find a way.Author's Response:

If you have an answer the question about sheepish grins (or the meaning of the

word "homeron") please share it with me! I'm having a wonderful time writing

this. Sharing it is not as much fun, but it's the writing that's most important,

no?. Thanks for your enthusiastic support, Nephylim. It feels wonderful that

what I've worked up has connected with another person. Thanks for telling me/us

of your enjoyment. As for getting them together... I haven't figured out how to

accomplish it. I am a romantic. I want it to happen, honest!

Date: 09/12/2009 06:21 AM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Nephylim

 

I am so glad you decided to go ahead with this story. I love all the

little touches... the musings about the French song, the snowball fight with

Butch. The imaginary relationship is sweet and I am intrigued to find out

how the real relationship develops. I am also intrigued about Rence's

change of speech. Hiding something? I am sure he is not entirely

what he seems. This is a very maturely written story and I like that about

it, I like it a lot. Can't wait for the next

installment.Author's Response: Thanks as always, Nephylim. "maturely

written story"... interesting concept. I think it's a bit stodgy, myself, but

then I'm a bit stodgy, so, this being my first attempt at sharing a story, the

characters are a bit like me. They say, "write what you know"! That's what I'm

doing. As is apparent, I'm doing this slowly, developing the story, that is.

I'll continue with the story and am developing the next installment currently.

It may take a bit of time as I've got company this week. Soon, soon....

Date: 08/28/2009 05:49 AM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: David McLeod

 

Having driven the interstates across Utah, Wyoming, and Colorado in

conditions as you described, I found it very easy to fall into your story. It is

a nice character study: we learn just enough to allow an image to begin to form,

but little enough that we still have questions...and reason to read

more.Author's Response: Thanks David! I'm having a ball working on

this. I'm not a writer or I wasn't before beginning to work on this. It's

satisfying to get an extension of myself out into the world. I'm looking forward

to expanding this beyond a character study and am wrestling with how to

accomplish that. GA is a great venue to experiment and explore the activity of

writing. It's not intimidating at all... or not much... (can't quite work out

the syntax on that last sentence!)

Date: 08/16/2009 09:50 AM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Headwind

 

Nice stuff. Well written with great character development and very

visual scene setting. Hope you will continue the story cause I feel a lot

more in there someplace. Thanks for sharing

HeadwindAuthor's Response: Yes, there will be more. I'm working

slowly on a second chapter and have an outline for a few more. The second

chapter should be ready soon. Subsequent chapters are rattling around in my

brain... making a lot of noise, especially with the echos.

Date: 08/08/2009 01:46 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Nephylim

 

I like it. I am loving Butch and Karl is an engaging character with an

interesting mind. As a cameo it was entertaining and intriguing enough to

make me want to see more.Author's Response: Yeah, Butch is my

favorite character so far. Kind of like my dog, annoying and endearing by turns.

"Cameo"... what a nice term for my first, slight attempt at fiction. It makes

the story sound so... precious. I don't think I'm done just yet. I suspect there

will be more installments. I just don't want to make any promises or lead anyone

on. Thank you.

Date: 08/04/2009 02:27 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Timmy5

Great start(and great music), would love to see more. : )Author's

Response: Thanks for the kind words. I'm so pleased you mentioned the music. I

like to support the musicians whose music I enjoy. Glad you like them too. As

for more... I think I will. This has been a positive experience so far and I

don't feel done with the characters yet. So far, I'm just dabbling, getting my

feet wet (or maybe just moistened), so to speak.

Date: 08/04/2009 10:46 AM

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