Confused and a marriage is on the line.

[Mal]

I'm just gonna go for broke here. I am going to describe absolutley everything, all the contradicting evidence to see what you guys think.

I am 21, married, and a father. We were mostly happy before my sexuality became an issue. I first came out to her as bisexual. She was kind of shocked but accepted. I was still confused at this time, and was talkig to a friend whom I recently heard was gay. She read my message and discovered that I was leaning more towards male and possibly gay. I don't know, and still don't right now. After much assurance from me, we got back together righ after that, and I told her that my feelings wouldn't be a problem any more. However, the almost immediately resurfaced. I have been ignoring and denying my feelings for men for years, and now that I acknowledged them, it seems like a floodgate has been opened. I keep going back and forth about my sexuality, and I feel so bad for hurting her. She recently found a craigslist ad I posted in MM. I didn't plan on cheating, but I was entertainig the idea(crap I know. I feel terrible). She found it, and has now moved out and is splitting up with me until we move to another town for school in four months. She said that I need to figure myself out before she could be with me because she doesn't deserve to have to wait and wonder if I will choose her. I love her. She is my best friend. The mother of my child. I do find her sexy.(Ithink) But here are my problems. All of them dealing with sexuality.

 

Whenever I hear a song about romance, I imagine to men. 9/10 times anyway.

I hate most women, because they act like a stereotypical woman. Don't hate, that's just how I feel. Their general womanness irritates me. Dont take this the wrong way ladies, as I know not all of you are like this, and don't hate you.I would much rather hang around guys.

Whenever I read romance fiction, I read gay fiction because straight fiction bores me.

I watch straight and gay porn, however gay is what I've been watching more often than not.

I feel better at the end with gay porn, more fulfilled and excited. If you get my drift.

I feel as though kissing my wife is boring, and that I don't really want to kiss girls and feel like i want to kiss guys instead.

Sex is the same. I like it, but imagining and fantasizing about gay sex is way more of a turnon.

These have been urges I've always felt, but have gotten stronger over time.

I once had a gay guy hit on me in highschool, and the thought of that excited me more than anything with women.

I'm a bottom i feel, and when I am with my wife, I end up wanting to do that with her too. I like being the man during sex, don't get me wrong, but I would rather have gay sex I feel.

I am friend with a guy who, even though it was when we were stoned, I wanted to kiss more than anything. I still like him when I'm sober though too. The feeling just wasnt as strong.

I can have sex just fine with my wife, but I don't feel happy, or at least as happy as I imagine one should. I always want a guy. Maybe not immediately or during, but the thought almost always crosses my mind after.

The thought of being with a man is the hottest thing too.

I want ot be hugged from behind by a pair of strong arms, not always doing the hugging or being the dominant one.

However, these thoughts are things I've pushed away for a long time. The case for me being gay is pretty strong, but here goes the contradictions.

 

I don't think of men all the time, and I do like some women I see in the streets.

I feel as though I could not be with a man relationship wise. Though I don't know if thats because I have never seen a gay relationship in real life, and my imagination sucks when it comes to how i would act in a gay relationship. I can't see it, but I've never done it either.I feel like i want to try it out, but I don't know how it would work.

I sometimes have no desire to look at gay porn, even though i look at it the majority now. I rever to straight then. But one thing is for sure, lesbians dont really turn me on at all anymore.

I always second guess or doubt my gay feelings, as I've had feelings for women, but it kind of felt like what I had to do. I do end up liking women, and do love my wife. I get crushes and can have sex just fine, I just feel like it gets boring and keep going back to guys in my mind.

I cant imagine being with a guy in public, but that might just be my fear of being hated and discriminated against.

I'm definitely scared about being that open and vulnerable to another man.

I still feel attraction to women, but I'm not sure if its mostly because of their personalities. The women that everyone says are so hot are ugly as hell if they are bitches. Also, most women that the general populace find attractive I hate. Megan Fox. Kierra Knightly. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. All bore me and I think look generic. I like the unique beauty of women. The only few women i find attractive in hollywood are Natalie Portman, Sometimes Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.

I still get turned on by my wife and find her attractive. I still feel lacking though.

 

I could use another's perspective, and thank you all in advace for your replies. I understand you can't define gay bi straight narrowly and whatnot. But give me a percentage of where you think I might lie. Point out some inconvenient truths if you will. I need to get to the bottom of this. I hate hurting my wife, but at the same time I need to be happy. I don't know if I will be happy with her or with men.I am so confused and could use some words. Thanks again.

Mal

[Tiger]

I won't say what sexuality I think you are, because that's something only you can figure out. I am gay enough that I know I could never marry a woman, and I know I wouldn't be fulfilled. I can say that there are some similiarities though. I happen to find some women attractive, but like you, it tends to be the top 1% most beautiful women on the planet. I feel for you there. I can't bring myself to recommend divorce. There's a child involved, and that makes things more complicated.

 

As for what you're saying about not being comfortable with men, it sounds like you have a certain level of self-loathing and internalized homophobia. What I recommend is therapy. You need to see a licensed psychologist who specializes in psychotherapy. He or she can help you accept your sexuality whether it's gay or bisexual and help you with the other issues that come with it.

 

Tim

Edited September 18, 2011 by Tiger

[Celethiel]

I am gay and ways knew i was gay at some level. while i did agonize over the thought of being gay.

To my knowledge gay relationships are pretty much the same as strait relationships just with partners of the same sex. Tiger's idea isn't a bad one, but i've never had anyone in the psychatric department even understand their own problems much less mine.

My advice is appologize to your wife over the problem talk to her as a friend and not as a wife perhaps divorce is a good option or not living together but work it out with the person you've lived your life with, if she's a good person she'll understand. Remind her your responsibilities to her as your wife and any kids come first to your orientation, Whether or not your gay or not.

[Mal]

I don't want to divorce because of the kid, however I know growing up in an unhappy household is bad too.

[Linxe Termoil]

Hrm. I hate to say it, but you may have to get a divorce. There's no reason (even though it is unlikely) that you two can't remain friends. But face it, you're both the parents here, and, if you continue down this unhappy road, you both are going to end up being miserable and so is that child.

 

If you can't do it for you, do it for the child, no matter what the decision is.

[JamesSavik]

Don't know what state you are in but homosexuality is grounds for divorce in all of them.

 

You can count on the courts really screwing you over for it too- especially in a "red" state.

 

Child support and custody can get really messy.

 

What YOU want doesn't matter- if she files, get a lawyer.

[Dannsar]

This is a sad and difficult situation, but it strikes me that your wife is being very reasonable, here.

 

Personally, I think divorce is the only option, and here's why. You can't fulfil yourself sexually with your wife, and for that you may end up hating her. Better to separate and remain as friends. It is far more productive for the children for two divorced parents who can communicate to separate and function still lovingly and supportively of the child.

 

Furthermore, unless your wife can accept you indulging your sexuality within the marriage (which is not cheating, btw, as long as you discuss it openly beforehand and set agreed boundaries), then it is unfair on her to expect her to remain in a situation where she knows she is emotionally loved but not physically. For most women these are deeply intertwined, not so much for men, though. She deserves the same emotional fulfilment as you do.

 

She is giving you the freedom to work it out. Sounds to me like she doesn't want lose you, either as a friend, husband, or father. Also sounds to me like she regards you as a decent father. Therefore, I can't see that the likelihood of it all going nasty is as strong as James has warned about. No criticism of James. He has a valid caution.

 

Ask yourself this ... can you see a time in the rest of your life where you are not going to want a man sexually? If the answer is no, then you are at least bisexual. Your best friend needs honesty in this respect. If the same question is posed for women and the answer is also no, then you are gay, inasmuch as that term means anything bordered. None of us have sexualities that are totally fixed, just more or less extreme in there centredness. I saw some research a few years back that suggested perhaps as many as half the gay adult male population will have sex with a woman after coming out. I don't believe the numbers there, but I do believe that it is likely. Thus, sexuality is not a single option deal.

 

In the UK there is a group called gay dads. Perhaps there is something similar where you live? I know it helped my mate through his coming out crisis. He knew he was gay, too, but did not want to be, at a similar age to you. He then lived another lifetime with a wife and two kids, and hung himself at 42 when it all got too much. Luckily they found him and he is still with us. But you should understand that burying your true self is a dangerous exercise. The most remarkable statement on this that I have heard him make is pretty profound. After his first overnight sexual experience with another man, he realised that, for him, "waking up with another man's arms around me just felt so natural, so right."

 

James' point about the lawyers is a good cautionary note. I'd suggest that you try to find a divorce mediator, once you have made your decision to split, if you do. Keep it out of the courts until the last moment if you can. Let the courts do the final technical bit of formalising the agreement. It matters not when you go to lawyers and ask them to handle it, that you say you want it amicable. They will try to screw the other party over, and ugliness will ensue. Mediators are a growingly recognised way of working through this without the hideous expense, both financial and emotional.

 

And finally. Good luck. I hope you find what you need. It sounds to me like you have that in the mother of your child, at least.

[Nephylim]

Okay... my thoughts and feelings. You may very well be gay HOWEVER.

 

You fell in love with someone and loved them enough to have a child with. You say yourself that she is your best friend so I have to ask a question. Whether you like men or women generally does a label really take away the feelings you have for THIS woman?

[Michael9344]

Frankly, I think divorce is better. Two parents who don't act like a couple is as (if not more) dangerous than divorce. It'd be better if you two just called it quits and remain friends. I think this will help everybody more. Your child, your wife and yourself. Everybody could start off again without making a very huge mess which could if you guys get back together and things plumentate again.

Good luck:)

[MJ85]

Whenever I hear a song about romance, I imagine to men. 9/10 times anyway.

I hate most women, because they act like a stereotypical woman. Don't hate, that's just how I feel. Their general womanness irritates me. Dont take this the wrong way ladies, as I know not all of you are like this, and don't hate you.I would much rather hang around guys.

Whenever I read romance fiction, I read gay fiction because straight fiction bores me.

I watch straight and gay porn, however gay is what I've been watching more often than not.

I feel better at the end with gay porn, more fulfilled and excited. If you get my drift.

I feel as though kissing my wife is boring, and that I don't really want to kiss girls and feel like i want to kiss guys instead.

Sex is the same. I like it, but imagining and fantasizing about gay sex is way more of a turnon.

These have been urges I've always felt, but have gotten stronger over time.

I once had a gay guy hit on me in highschool, and the thought of that excited me more than anything with women.

I'm a bottom i feel, and when I am with my wife, I end up wanting to do that with her too. I like being the man during sex, don't get me wrong, but I would rather have gay sex I feel.

I am friend with a guy who, even though it was when we were stoned, I wanted to kiss more than anything. I still like him when I'm sober though too. The feeling just wasnt as strong.

I can have sex just fine with my wife, but I don't feel happy, or at least as happy as I imagine one should. I always want a guy. Maybe not immediately or during, but the thought almost always crosses my mind after.

The thought of being with a man is the hottest thing too.

I want ot be hugged from behind by a pair of strong arms, not always doing the hugging or being the dominant one.

However, these thoughts are things I've pushed away for a long time. The case for me being gay is pretty strong, but here goes the contradictions.

 

I have to agree with those who've said divorce is the way to go...your wife is finding herself distancing away from you, and even if you do nothing, she may file for divorce on you anyway.

 

Your feelings for men might be a bit stronger than they really are, simply because you don't yet have experience of having been with another man. That's not to say that you're not more attracted to men than women, but rather that your curiosity over being with another man is making those feelings stronger. I am NOT suggesting you just go out and do it, but when you do take that step...of course, be careful. And: You might be imagining yourself as a "bottom" just because that's a unique form of gay sex, but - you won't really know what preference you like better until you experience it. Only your body can really make that decision for you.

[Mal]

Thank you everyone for your words. If it goes to divorce, we both know it won't be bad, or drawn out. We will still be friends, as we have a great friendship connection. She is my best friend. I do love her, Neph, but you can't discount the physical part either. Sex is a major part of a relationship, and it's not fair for me not to be all in with her in that respect. She deserves much better than I can give her if that is the case. I fear I am building the gay sex part up in my mind. I know that that is definitely possible. However, I feel like it will be a coming home of sorts when it does happen. I just don't know. I am a decently large guy, 6ft 280lbs. i have self confidence issues so I won't be exploring until I am comfortable in my body, and that won't be for a few months. We are both moving to college together regardless of what happens, but she wants me to know when we get there. When we get there is when I am going to start figuring it out. It also doesnt help that I hate casual sex. Or at least am to insecure. I prefer a relationship or feelings to be there. Makes me sounds like a woman(or a gay man), but there you go. To those crying divorce, I understand and it might go that way, but it is hard with how much pain I am putting her through. Seems like no right decision. But anyways, thank you all for your words.

[comicfan]

Life is a spectrum. I think all men, even us gay men, view women and can still say who is attractive. I've always surrounded myself with women. They are close friends, confidants and can understand me easily. However when it comes to sex and who I desire emotionally for love that has always been a man.

 

You face a hard decision. It would be one thing if it was just you and your wife. You are lucky. Yours is giving you space to figure yourself out. The major thing that anyone who even glances at this is going to focus on is your child. Your wife and you brought this young life into the world. Your responsibility will always to be to the child. If living in the same house hold will cause your child more heartache then staying together would that is something you need to decide.

 

I have seen gay parents who were married make this work and their children loved them both. They have accepted their straight parent and their gay parent as well as the mates they have chosen. I have also seen people try to stay together for the sake of the child. Eventually, cheating occurs, fights, and the child is the one harmed emotionally.

 

No one can tell if you are bi or gay other than you. You might decide you need counseling of some sort. You might decide you and your wife can yet make a go of it. Whatever you decide be honest with yourself and her, but always keep the future of your child in mind. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

[Mal]

Trust me, the future of my child weighs constantly on my heart. I know he is the main responsibility. That is part of my problem. I will never leave my child. However, I am headed to college five hours away, and my wife/child is supposed to come with me. She says even if I choose to be gay she will move down there. But I am scared she won't. I believe she will, but fear is sometimes irrational. And by choose to be gay, I mean choose to leave her for men. I know I would not choose to feel this way if i could. I would give anything to change it, and honestly hate myself right now. Just myself though. Still love teh gays. Thank you comic fan for your reply. And I know nobody can tell me I am gay but me. Or bi. I asked everyone to make judgement because I am curious, and it would help a little more if you guys still answered what you guys think. I'm not making any decisions based on what somebody on the internet said, so don't feel like you are influencing me towards anything. I just want to know what the gay community here thinks on that. So please do tell what you all think I am. Thank you all once again.

[Tiger]

It's hard to say. You're definitely at least bisexual with a strong inclination towards men. Labels aren't really all that important. How you feel is what is important. You can be a good father even if you choose to no longer be married. If you can't provide the kind of love she deserves, you should definitely consider it in what you decide. And don't hate yourself. Coming to terms with having same-sex attractions is difficult. I didn't completely come to terms with being gay until I was 25, despite having and heartily enjoying sexual encounters with other guys beforehand. Your wife seems very gracious, and I know you have her best interest at heart.

[Graeme]

I tend to prefer to work with a scale. I'd say you're 80% attracted to males and 20% attracted to females, based on what you've said. Mainly males, but there is some attraction to females, too. That's how I described myself to my wife, and she took some comfort in that. It wasn't perfect, but it seemed to help her accept why I had gotten married in the first place.

 

Based on your last post, what I'd suggest is one step at a time. For now, separate but still have an involvement with your child. That's the time to start working out how you'll manage things as separated parents. After that's getting sorted out THEN start looking out for someone to start a relationship with. That way you have your priorities right - child first, yourself and your wife second.

 

Only a suggestion

[Mal]

Good advice as always Graeme. But yeah, she is moving accross town(not as bad as it sounds, still only five minutes away, tiny ass town. Explains why it is so hard to find anyone else who is gay) and taking time apart. The kid stays with me for the most part so we are focused on him first. In everything I decide he is first and foremost on mymind. There is no decision where I leave my child, that is not a physical possibility. I used that scale too, and it was 80/20. Good job sir! And thank you Tiger. You two have been a pretty good help.

[comicfan]

Just take it a day at a time. Remember to keep things civil. For the rest of your life no matter what happens you will be tied to your wife because of your child. Separation might be hard but it gives you both space. Just do your best to keep things honest and calm. I still wish you the best and hope things work out well for you and your son.

[Mal]

Well, here is an update. We have decided to split. She is taking the decision really well, and is even dating. She was going to move to school with me this semester, but now she is going to move down next fall instead. A whole semester to myself to meet new people and explore will be great, but I will miss my kid alot. However, it is less time than most troops spend away from their families, so I can do it. We're on decent terms, and it looks like we will be friends. I am much a happier at this point than I have been for quite some time. Just to let anyone know who has posted, and thank you all for the words.

[Michael9344]

I'd have to say Congratulations. That's one step. And obviously you are happy with the decision. And I'm happy about it too. I really do think this is the better road for everybody.

But then, I'd ask about your son. How is he taking it?

[Dannsar]

Well, I think this is probably the best solution all round. Friends is definitely better. Good luck. Now find yourself a man and see how that feels!

[Mal]

Well, seeing as how my son is about six months old, I have no idea. And yeah friends is definitely batter. I'm working on myself for a while, then looking for a man, though it is wierd to be single after five years. Wierd, and lonely.

[Mal]

Also, in other news, my wife is dating already. Not even two weeks, and she goes out with a more fit, better version of me. He's even going into physics, like I am. A nice, fit nerd. That just pisses me off in all kinds of ways. Seriously, five years, and all I get is a week grace period before you move on? Nice...

[Michael9344]

I'm guessing that she's really not into this new man. She might be getting over you, or at least trying to get over you. I'd think that you should happy that she's moving on letting you know that she's not hung up you.

[Michael9344]

But I do understand your anger. It does hurt to be replaced, and so soon:)

[Mal]

But she really is into this man though. That is the thing. Facebooking "OMG I had such a great time last night!" is not something someone really does if they aren't interested. And she doesn't do those types of things to hurt or out of spite. But I am glad she is moving on though. Just wish it were a little slower. Oh well. All of her shit is in a pile on the floor in the livingroom waiting for her to take when she drops off my kid. My house will be MINE! No more womanly shit, ever. God I hated that. All I need is soap, hair gel, shaving cream, TP, and Shampoo/conditioner. I do love when my hair smells great after all.