I need advice

[Matthew]

For once I'm starting a topic that has nothing to do with suicide.

 

A little background:I found out about 4 years ago that my dad was cheating on my mom, and has continued to do so since. About a year ago they told me they were getting divorced, completely my father's choice. I don't approve of this, I believe marriage is a lifetime commitment that you should stay with. Later, he introduces me to his girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure he was seeing before telling my mom he wanted a divorce. Now they're getting married. My older sister will no longer talk to him because of this. My older brother and other sister refuse to have anything to do with it.

 

So, he calls me today, and tells me his best man can't make it because of unexpected military obligations. He wants me to do it. I give him the standard excuse of being a poor college student, but he offers to pay for everything. Then he starts CRYING(which he never does) about how none of his kids will be there.

 

I have no idea what to do.

 

Reasons not to do it:

He betrayed my mother

I'd feel like I was betraying my mother

My sister would be pissed off at me

I'd miss some classes

I've never particularly liked the man

 

Reasons to do it:

he's my dad, and I'd feel bad if I hurt his feelings.

 

Best part of all: He needs to know by Sunday!

[JamesSavik]

That is such a mess.

 

There are SO MANY landmines in this.

 

If you participate with your Dad, you alienate the rest of the family.

 

If you don't participate, it burns a bridge with your Dad.

 

My advice: get mugged or catch the flu- whichever will lay you up for a few days and give you an Honorable excuse.

 

This way no land mines are engaged or bridges burned.

 

Heck- its February. Everybody has got the flu. HACK!

[DomLuka]

As someone who has parents who are guilty of infidelity, I have a slight amount of understanding for how you feel. Technically, it was both of my parents who are guilty, so I don

[GREEN]

That is such a mess.

 

There are SO MANY landmines in this.

 

If you participate with your Dad, you alienate the rest of the family.

 

If you don't participate, it burns a bridge with your Dad.

 

My advice: get mugged or catch the flu- whichever will lay you up for a few days and give you an Honorable excuse.

 

This way no land mines are engaged or bridges burned.

 

Heck- its February. Everybody has got the flu. HACK!

 

My advice is to do what you feel is right, you know you have a midterm the day of his wedding. If its on a weekend you have one the monday after and you need to study endlessly.

 

Alright kidding aside. This ones a toughy but I think your father is trying not to look like the bad guy. I'm assuming that he already knows about your sis and bro so he sees you as the last thing he has left. In my opinion your father is being selfish. He was the one that left the family, he cant expect you all to fall in line when he asks. ovbiously his best man couldn't make it because he had a concious or his best man didnt really exist and he was hoping one of you would fit that role. You should speak to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him he's driving a wedge between your family and him.

 

I'm only telling you what I can see from what you have told us. My father left my mother for the same reasons. Now he's trying to rebuild a relationship with me based on lies. He left my mom for a co worker that left him six months after their divorce was final. I always felt like he chose something else over his own son and that hurts. So ultimately you have to see what he really wants from you. I'm my opinion its not worth it and he cant be mad at you for not going. He did what he did and he cant make you alienate the family that you have over this. I also think that you should talk to your mom about this. She might make you feel better.

 

GREEN

[Matthew]

My advice: get mugged or catch the flu- whichever will lay you up for a few days and give you an Honorable excuse.

 

This way no land mines are engaged or bridges burned.

 

Heck- its February. Everybody has got the flu. HACK!

 

Thanks for the advice. The problem is that I can't really use an excuse like that 3 weeks in advance. Something I'm not willing to do is let him buy the plane ticket and then bail at the last minute.

[Jen]

Oh my goodness! I was in almost exactly the same position about two years ago. My dad was getting married again after seeing someone before he and my mom got a divorce. I did decide to go to the wedding and it wasn't that bad- at first. I wasn't sure how I felt about it all- I mostly was worried about my mom's feelings. However, my dad has perfected the crying at the perfect moments technique, so I went. Anyway, once I got there, I found out that I had to be a bridesmaid for my new stepmom! And then she gave me her bouquet to take home with me to my MOM's house! :wacko: It was pretty horrible all around. I don't mean to discourage you, but you absolutely have to know what YOU want without worrying about everyone else. I'm actually glad that I did go. I got to meet a lot of my stepmother's family, and be a part of their new world. At least you dad is trying to make you a part of his new life. It is really, really hard but you have to try to separate what he did to your mom from his relationship with you.

I definly agree with one of the earlier posts that said if you decided to do it, then talk to your mom and sister FIRST. My mom pretty much hates my dad now, but now understands that I need to communicate with and even encourages me to talk with him when I don't want to. Go to the wedding [/i] it feels right for you.

[Gregoire]

Dads f* up. That's what they do. That's why they have sons. So they can f* somebody else's life up, and so there'll be someone there for them...or it was an accident.

 

Sons:

Hate their fathers

Tend to get really screwed up by them

Learn things from their fathers (some good, some bad)

 

And even through all that we're supposed to love them.

 

Hate solves very little unless you kill someone or get them in major trouble...which are both ill advised notions.

 

In the end it's up to you, but I know what I'd do. In fact I think about it every day. If mom and dad split and dad wanted me, I'd go with him, just because I know he'll need me somewhere down the road.

 

It really is your choice you know, you just make the right one, not the one others pick for you. Life's a bitch like that.

--Greg.

[Matthew]

Well, I've talked to both my mom and my sister, and both have been sympathetic to my situation. So, unlike what I thought, my sister's not going to yell at me.

 

I still have no idea what to do.

[glomph]

Then he starts CRYING(which he never does) about how none of his kids will be there.

 

That was a nice touch. Sounds like it was at least partially effective.

[Topher Lydon]

I know I am in a minority here.

 

But your Dad needs you. You may not agree with him, but he needs you. Sometimes its about putting the crap aside and beign the bigger man. Maybe you don't like the new wife, maybe everything is wrong in your mind.

 

I'm being asked to be the best man at my ex's wedding. And while it kills me, and I know he is making a mistake. I am going to do it, because he needs me to be there. (stupid maybe, but loyal, you betcha)

[NateB]

Oy, I know exactly what you're going through. My Dad moved us then left us for a girlfriend he moved her up here too. And for the wedding part.... Let him know exactly how you feel, let him know how much he's hurt his own family. And that whole crying thing, mine does that too.... it's a show as far as I am concerned. So do what you feel is right. Don't let him guilt you into being his bestman, if you want to feel free to do it, and if you don't do it... just remember it is his fault not yours...

 

-Nate

[NaperVic]

Kitty had some good things to think about. Here's a little more -

 

Were you planning on going to the wedding (while not being his best man)?

 

I think you should go the wedding if YOU want to go to the wedding. I'm not one for people to go to something out of obligation.

 

For example, let's say you eventually come out and meet Mr. Right and decide to have a committment ceremony. Do you think your father would attend yours? Would he stand up and be your best man?

 

I guess it all depends on the kind of relationship you have with him.

 

Take Care,

 

Vic

[libbonobo]

Be the bigger man, rise above hurt and bitterness and vengeance, and find forgiveness. It is clearly the right thing to do. At least your mom and sister have said they won't hold it against you, even if they can't do it themselves.

[Matthew]

I'm being asked to be the best man at my ex's wedding. And while it kills me, and I know he is making a mistake. I am going to do it, because he needs me to be there. (stupid maybe, but loyal, you betcha)

 

But don't you think that being there, especially as best man, is an affirmation of the event itself?

[Eddy]

Be the bigger man, rise above hurt and bitterness and vengeance, and find forgiveness. It is clearly the right thing to do. At least your mom and sister have said they won't hold it against you, even if they can't do it themselves.

 

 

Right on!!!!!

 

Hey College Guy -- you have gotten some great advise here from your friends.

 

Don't burn bridges -- You only get one Mother and one Father in your life time and you shouldn't go through life not loving both of them.

 

Let you heart guide you.

 

Best of luck on this buddy!!

[Dalmania]

Maybe your parents' marriage did not fall apart because of the affair. Maybe the affair was a sign that your parents' relationship - based on feelings or behaviours of both - had already failed but that no legal separation had yet taken place. In other words, your dad's affair made him look in the wrong ( & I guess was) BUT that does not mean that your dad's affair caused the breakup - although it probably caused the push for legal divorce.

 

You will never hear the whole story and anyway there are two stories (at least) if there were two people.

 

From the advanced age of 44, my experience has been that the dynamics of relationships are more covert and much more complex than they look from the outside. In addition, both people in a relationship affect most decisions and behaviour.

 

Yes, one person can do something wrong or hurtful with the partner being totally innocent.

But the rights and wrongs in a relationship are rarely that clearcut.

 

If you could assume that the divorce (and therefore the possiblity of the new marriage) was not only your dad's fault, would you want to be there?

[TheZot]

Having watched all sorts of unpleasant dynamics and regrets in my own family, I'd have to say... go to the wedding, and if it doesn't make you horribly uncomfortable be the best man.

 

Right now you're sounding really ambivalent, and as much worried about what others think as what you're feeling. No real surprise there. You also seem pretty ambivalent towards your dad in general. No surprise there either. (It's both fairly common at your age, and you're carrying around a good case of clinical depression)

 

If you go through it, you may, at worst, feel a little uncomfortable right now. That's fine. The real question is how'll you feel next year, or next decade?

 

You've got two potential things that could happen. He could be a manipulative bastard, at which point down the line you'll be able to say "I did what I thought was best, and you disappointed me." Hardly the end of the world, and you'll likely have a pile of other disappointments to throw that one on.

 

Or, it could turn out that things get better with your dad, in which case going and being the best man would be a good thing.

 

If, on the other hand, you pass... If he's a manipulative bastard, you'll still have a big pile of dissapointment, so there's no difference there. If he's not, then you're going to have a big regret for not having gone to the wedding.

 

I can't say for you, but looking back for me, I can say that I've regretted not doing something far, far more often than I have doing something. I'd go, and stand for him. Feeling bad for not going when you should have will linger a lot longer and feel a lot worse than feeling annoyed that you went and it turned out to be a bad idea.

 

-Dan

[JamesSavik]

These things are so much easier in Japanese/Shinto culture.

 

Whenever a question of family or personal honor comes up, you just commit Seppuku or ritual suicide by disembowelment.

 

Ummm... on second thought, what's a little disgrace amoung friends?

[Matthew]

These things are so much easier in Japanese/Shinto culture.

 

Whenever a question of family or personal honor comes up, you just commit Seppuku or ritual suicide by disembowelment.

 

Believe me, suicide as an option has not gone unconsidered.

[Former Member]

um you still got your poppa. I think i will go if i dont like him cause he is alife cause 1 day their will b things thet you cant do cause he wont b alife.

[Topher Lydon]

But don't you think that being there, especially as best man, is an affirmation of the event itself?

 

It is an affirmation of this and only this "I love my dad"

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey Matt!

 

Sorry it took me so long to respond.

 

As you know my parents split up when I was 2 and my dad remarried (twice). What I don't think I ever told you is that the second time he remarried - this time to my current stepmom - I was 15 and he asked me to be a groomsman.

 

I didn't want to do it, and actually had I tried to get out of it I'm sure my MOM would have made me, but truthfully not doing it never entered my mind. To me it just seems like one of those things you're required to do unless you do formally "disown" someone in your family. Weddings and funerals seem to be the one time when everyone in the family is more or less required to get together and act like they like each other, and as far as I'm concerned as long as everyone else lives up to their end I can live up to mine. In other words, though I'm not out at all to my dad's side of the family, if for example my aunt had a serious problem with it, as long as she were willing to pretend we didn't have a problem and just go to a wedding or funeral and pretend to be nice, I'm willing to do the same. Basically the way I see it it's a few hours, in my case a few days since like you I had to fly out there, but I just figured in the long run it wasn't a very big proportion of my life.

 

Of course your situation is different, I was just a groomsman not bestman. Actually THAT'S what ticked my mother off, that he didn't ask me to be bestman. I of course thought that was ridiculous since I'd never even shared a home with him in living memory, and only saw him at most twice a year. I mean it seems only natural to me that he would choose a friend whom he actually has a relationship with. Anyway I know it's very different. I was too young to ever have any hostility about the whole thing, and actually I've always said I'm happy they did split up because my life would have been much different if they hadn't and I like it the way it is. That and I think there's just a premium placed on familiaral duty in my family. So yes I'd probably go, and actually even feel responsible for trying to drag along my siblings (since I would feel like they should go, and also since it would give you someone to talk to), but that's only what I would do. You should of course do what you feel is best.

 

I know it's a matter of principle for you; that you feel you'd be supporting something which you don't support. So if you feel like you'd really be compromising your integrity then of course I'd say don't go. After all it is vital to stay true to yourself. However, your parents divorce is final and for better or worse all anyone can do now is move on. If your mother and sister (and presumably other sister and brother) can identify with your situation enough to not hold either decision against you, then on the bright side at least the only person you stand to offend is your father (which doesn't matter as much anyway right?).

 

What it comes down to, as far as I see it, is whether or not your willing to tolerate the inconvience, and convince yourself that you won't be compromising your integrity, for the sake of not alienating your father (and to help him feel better about the fact that your brother and sisters won't be there). If you can do it, great! If you can't, well hopefully he'll understand and at least he'd have no reason to be any more upset with you than he would with the others.

 

Anyway good luck dude, I really hope you can figure this out and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Also don't take anything I say too seriously (for your own circumstances in this matter), we've clearly got different sorts of families and views about them. Take care and SMILE

 

Kevin

[Masked Monkey]

My dad left when I was 18 and still in HS. He was kind enough to choose the Saturday before the AP as the best time to tell my mom & me. He said he was waiting until I was out of HS and I guess he just couldn't take it anymore (something I am beginning to understand). Needless to say he had been having an affair for a few years with his current girlfriend/life-partner. This was 20 years ago, and he has now been with this woman almost as long as he was with my mom. She refuses to marry him because she was married once and doesn't want to go that route.

 

You can imagine the issues my mom had with us spending ANY time with him. Because I was still at home when he left ... it was bad.

 

What I have learned in the last 20 years is that my parents are separate people who are equally important in my life. My mom is a loving, judgemental, hypochondriac with real, severe medical issues. My dad is a conservative (non-religious) republican who would take a knife and cut his heart out to protect his kids ... as long as he didn't have to talk about it. I learned that I do with my dad what I want and give no concern to what my mom thinks ... and I do things with my mom, and my dad doesn't care. It took nearly for a decade for my mom to learn to deal with it. She has learned that is she doesn't want to know if I have done something with my dad DON'T ASK. I will not volunteer it.

 

College_Guy ... one of your reasosns for depression is the knowledge that your family isn't going to accept you, yet you cannot find it in yourself to accept your dad. If you want him in your life ... be a part of his ... if your mom and siblings stop talking to you because of it, in my experience it is their loss, not yours. You will not please everyone ... so please yourself. What you do with your dad has NOTHING to do with your mom ... THEY ARE DIVORCED ... similarly what you do with your mom has nothing to do with your dad.

 

By putting yourself in the middle as an emotional caretaker, you are setting yourself up to be played. Let your family know you are done playing the bullshit games, and that they can just learn to deal.,

 

Depression comes from 2 basic sources 1) organic issues in the brain 2) lack of control over your life

 

If you let you mom, your dad, your siblings, or your god didctate your life for you ... you will be depressed.

 

You want to know what to do ... What would you do if your mom and siblings were dead, and all you had was your dad? ... or put a different way ... how do you want your dad to treat you when he finds out you are gay? Treat him with the same respect and maybe you will find that he respects you too. I'm not saying 'be his best man' ... I'm saying treat him with respect and consider your relationship with him independently of your other family members with their own agendas.

 

:king: Snow Dog

[Matthew]

Well, thanks for the advice everyone, it was all really helpful.

 

I now have a plane ticket to Florida and instructions on where to go to get fitted for a tux.

 

It's interesting that you talk about me telling him I'm gay. I actually told him last summer. He doesn't really mind, but he certainly doesn't want to talk about it.

Edited February 13, 2006 by hi_college_guy