Abusive Relationship HELP!

[x Trevor x]

okay me and my boyfriend met on aol two years ago. i currently live with him now and my grandmothers house is 300 miles away. at first it was a loving relationship he was so sweet and careing and still is now sometimes but he has also grown very possessive and demanding he accuses me of lieing and accuses me of having affairs and we fight but then all of a sudden he turns real loveing as if a major mood swing. he gets angry when i dont do what he says and goes on to emotionally and verbally degrade me trying to make me feel guilty saying i dont care he'll tell me i'm lazy and say i never put him first when i do. sometimes when i get him really angry though or if he is drunk he starts getting violent he never has hit me but he has thrown me in a bed or on a chair before hes chased me with the computer chair and held a pan of hot greese to my face as warnings but most of the time he will throw things and destroy objects and start smacking himself on the face as a way to scare me without touching me that doesnt happen often but the verbal abuse is everyday at some time or another and when we are in a real bad fight and he starts throwing things and stuff like that i try to walk out the door but he will block my way. its very difficuilt and very scary for me because my bf is 300 pounds and very strong and i am only 110 pounds so he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to and im scared its eventually going to come to that point i have though managed to dash out the door and i walk the streets but eventually end up going back and everything is calmed down mostly by then. he tells me he cant live without me and threatens suicide if i try to leave and im just scared i honestly am and i cant take anymore i have even considered suicide myself sometimes but i am to scared to follow through with it and i just want to get out and go back to my grandmothers but i dont have any liscense or gas money to get down there on and i never have hardly anytime to pack my stuff because he never stays gone for long periods of time and when he works he makes random check ups on me by comming by. it isnt the worst thing i mean people have been in worse and it isnt as bad as it use to be but the verbal abuse is getting to hard to bare and he still has those crazy anger lash outs sometimes to i'm fine right now but i'm scared of what it could lead to if i dont get out so someone please offer me some advise...as for my stories i will continue writing he isnt going to stop me from doing that he doesnt mind when i do that

[The Reaper]

Ok, bro. All i have to say is this. Why worry about the LAW, when your in danger of getting PHYSICALLY BEATEN! Id take his car and run, run far away.

 

You have to tell someone about this to. Maybe someone who knows him also. But better yet, a loving and caring friend.

 

I honestly wouldn't stay in that relationship any longer than you have to. And to be quick frank, F*CK the law. If you have to steal a car and drive 300 miles without a license, then do it. Ive driven over 200 miles illegally before. The car wasn't even mine, AND i stopped and asked a cop for directions.

 

All i have to say is get the HECK outta there. I know i sound naive and young minded, but you need to get outta there. If he says hes gonna commit suicide, then get him help. But hun, you really need to be thinking of yourself first. Your safety is number one on your priority list (or it should be). You need to get help for you, then him (if anything).

 

Ok, let me rephrase this WHOLE thing, since im a little mish mash.

 

1. get safety for yourself, pack up all your stuff one day while hes gone (or whenever) and get out (if that means breaking the law, then i say so be it)

2. tell the police, friends, grandma, mom, dad....ANYONE you can tell, tell them

3. get help for you, like go talk to a friend, or a therapist or something like that. just make sure YOU are alright mentally

4. get HIM help, if he says hes gonna commit suicide, then get him help

5. KEEP yourself safe

 

Just remember, YOUR the number one priority. NOT him.

 

 

 

Hugs and loves,

 

Ian

Edited March 15, 2007 by The Reaper

[NickolasJames8]

You need to call the police when he does that stuff to you. It's not normal, and you're right to call it abuse. The police can take him to jail as long as you press charges against him, especially if he's throwing you or threatening you with hot grease. While he's locked up, pack. Then call your grandma or anyone else you can think of and get out. Once you're gone, don't go back.

Good luck and please, stay safe.

[Graeme]

Ian's right about the danger you appear to be in -- take steps to protect yourself.

 

You may not be able to drive, and you may not have the resources to get away yourself, but you can ring your grandmother. If you want to go back there, contact her and see what she can do -- she may be able to drive to get you, get someone to go get you, or send you the money so you can get out of there.

 

If you are concerned about your safety, your belongings aren't important. You can replace them -- you can't replace your life.

 

The other thing that struck me is that your boyfriend probably needs professional help. He sounds like he's suffering from a mental illness of some sort. Honestly, though, that is your SECOND priority at best -- your first priority has to be your safety.

[Rabble_Rouser]

I can't disagree with any of the previous post' suggestions. I wouldn't wait to make your decision to make sure you are safe and away from the tenuous situation you're in.

 

I can't say what's available in your area but you should see if there are any resources you can access for help and support. Where I live the local GLBT association has a hotline for info and support and they do deal with issues of partner abuse and the police also have a GLBT unit that deals with spousal/partner abuse.

 

Please remember that your safety is more important than your bf or your possessions. You sound like you're in a situation that is going downhill and won't have a happy ending unless you look after your own safety. From the sounds of things hitch hiking to your Grandma's would be safer but I would contact her or another family member or friend who could help you get away.

 

Another thing you could do AFTER you get out, is contact the police and let them know that you've left and your bf has threatened suicide and they can check on him and get him help if needed.

 

Take care of yourself and stay safe!

 

Steve

[Lugh]

ok,

 

first off, if you feel threatened, it's abuse.

 

sounds to me like there are a couple different kinds of abuse going on here:

1. physical -- he pushed you... when flesh meets flesh any any other than a loving manner... it's abuse. If he touchs you, or puts hot grease "in your face" CALL THE POLICE and tell them that he is mentally unstable and threatening your life... that will get him to the hospital (and away from you)

2. emotional -- if you leave I'll suicide... he is causing an emotional response in you to make you feel responsible for his actions... you are not responsible for his actions... the next time he threatens suicide CALL THE POLICE and tell them that he is mentally unstable and is saying he will cause harm to himself... that is enough to get him to the hospital (and away from you)

3. mental -- this sorta crosses over emotional cause I really don't know where one ends and the other begins same advice.

 

another thing to consider... go to a shelter, it's not pretty, it's not perfect, but it is AWAY FROM HIM, and that is what is important.

 

Dude, where are you in NC? I mean seriously... there are people HERE that aren't that far from you that can help if necessary.

[Krista]

Hey,

 

 

Well no one knows what you can do, we can only possibly make you aware of some options you may have. Don't attempt things that would be physically impossible or tricky. You should always think rationally, if you think irrationally then you're likely to make a mistake somewhere. We also don't know how remote a place you live in.

 

Getting out is your number one priority though. If you live in a place where a public place is available in a short distance then I suggest going there. Any public place that's open could be a safe haven for you. Abusive people are more than likely to be abusive in private places. So just getting out and going to a gas station or a library would be a good option if it's available to you. He cannot watch you all the time, you said he does leave. I don't know how large that window is though.

 

 

The Police are your best option. If you're afraid of what will happen when he's there and the police show up then call them in advance. Tell them that you're in an abusive situation, but to be on stand by. Then when you get the chance to call them and have time to get them there before his return they already know your address, your situation, and the urgency of your problem. That way they could be either on their way or already there when he returns to check on you. They have to take these things seriously.

 

Anyway, be careful.

 

Krista

[AFriendlyFace]

 

The others are right: you have to leave. If you have any friends you can trust I'd recommend having them be with you while you get your things together and actually leave (that way if he does come home you won't be alone). After that, JUST LEAVE.

 

Good Luck and take care,

Kevin

[colinian]

Hey, guy,

 

One thing you don't want to do is take his car. That's car theft, and he'll call the cops on you. Not good! Then, what you say about him abusing you will sound like you're trying to get out of the car theft rap.

 

Colin

[Bondwriter]

Yeah, all the important things have been said above.

 

The whole "mood swings" thing is typical of abusers' manipulative ways. You may definitely stop all this without breaking the law. Not saying it'll be easy either.

[Razor]

Hello sweetness.

 

I have experience with this sorta thing, as I'm sure many others around here have. I happen to know that the person on the abused side of a relationship like this is very unlikely to leave it unless they realize that the other person is (this is the important part)...

 

completely full of hot air, threats, and scare tactics in order to try and break you down into thinking you deserve what you get, it's not that bad, or you simply can't leave.

 

BIG important thing!!!! YOU SHOULD LEAVE. As has been said, f**K the law. You can get that straightened out later. And as for him being bigger than you, wait until he leaves, then call the police. When they arrive, they'll escort you out I'm sure if you explain the situation. If he shows up and becomes violent, they'll handle him and you won't have to worry.

 

It sounds like he's a crazy mean drunk. That's exactly how my dad was, and this sounds JUST LIKE some of the stupid shit he used to pull. I have to tell you what I think; it WILL get worse, one day he WILL hit you, and some day he MIGHT really hurt you badly.

 

Get out now. Don't buy into the scare tactics and threats. Don't try and reason with him face to face. Leave now. Everything can be straightened out later. Call the police, get them there, then pack up and go.

 

You'll be okay. ~hugs~ Take care of yourself, and don't let your feelings get in the way of your well being.

[adblue]

Your primary responsibility is for your own safety. Get yourself out of that abusive relationship as carefully and quickly as possible.

 

Anyone who would put a pan of hot grease near your face is not a friend or a lover. He doesn't get an excuse for that. He has severe problems. Sure, he needs help. The police and a therapist can do that. You can and should complain about the abuse to the police.

 

Get yourself safe first. If you can, get friends and/or the police to come over and get you out of there. If you can tell family or friends before you leave, good; but you can tell them afterward and you can have friends call for you too.

 

Your possessions are nowhere near as important as your safety and your life. Things can be replaced. Sure, take them if you can, by having friends or the police there to help you get your things, or at least important papers. But honestly, if it's you or your stuff, choose you.

 

You are not bad or stupid or undeserving or crazy. You are a guy who is putting up with someone else's incredibly bad behavior. You don't need to take him back or forgive him or go back to him. That is not an "awww, that's sweet, he'll change, I can change him" relationship. That is a "get me the **** out of here, he's bad news" relationship.

 

Please listen to the good advice you're getting from people here. Get yourself in a better situation, then get help to rebuild your life. You *can* do it. So do it! :hugs:

[x Trevor x]

I live in Dunn,NC you know in harnett county and right at the johnston and sampson county line just to answer your question on my location and i live in town so theres alot of public around me but i also heard from a friend that the police have resources that can offer me transportation is that true? and all of your advice has been helpful for me

[adblue]

Call the police and ask. Look up a GLBT community center and ask. We can give you advice, but we aren't right there where you are.

 

You have friends, neighbors, an employer and co-workers, school counselors/teachers/professors, local clergy, heck, talk to clerks at the stores you visit, if you have to. -- Tell them it's your boyfriend or tell them it's your roommate. Whatever.

 

What I mean is, you have people you can turn to there. You don't have to be alone in getting through a problem.

 

Don't be scared. Be confident, be smart, be strong, and take action. -- I say this as a pretty passive guy. You *can* change things for the better. Do it. Please.

[JamesSavik]

B.B.E.

 

I hate the very idea of anyone pushing around someone that is 110 pounds.

 

If he is drinking a lot, it will only get worse.

 

In situations like this, the person that is being abused is paralysed by some bogus beliefs. Usually those beliefs are rooted in a poor self image.

 

You don't HAVE to take it.

 

You CAN do better.

 

You DESERVE better.

 

YOU are the one that has to take action. We can cheerlead, give advice and generally pump you full of sunshine but YOU are the one that has to take the bull by the horns and neuter the b@stard.

 

All my best wishes, please let us know how its working out. You are only 18 and entitled to pick a bad boyfriend or two. If he is being a shitee, then you just have to remember to flush before he stinks up the joint.

 

 

James

[Jack Scribe]

I live in Dunn,NC you know in harnett county and right at the johnston and sampson county line just to answer your question on my location

 

The posting indicates you don't sense the urgency of traveling to a secure place...fast. Please, please reach out the the lifeline that Lugh has extended. It's not the time to discuss the dynamics of abuse and why victims - VICTIMS - stay to receive more pain. It is time to get the hell "out of Dodge". You are potentially in danger.

 

Once you're in a safe haven, there'll be time to sort things out. 110# vs. 300#? I don't think so. Please, BBE, contact Lugh and take the first step to release.

 

A concerned Jack (no smily face)

[captainrick]

I live in Dunn,NC you know in harnett county and right at the johnston and sampson county line just to answer your question on my location and i live in town so theres alot of public around me but i also heard from a friend that the police have resources that can offer me transportation is that true? and all of your advice has been helpful for me

 

 

 

The closest GLBT group to you that I've found is in the Raleigh Durham area. It has a help line. go here:

 

http://www.tcworks.org/

 

GET SOME HELP!!!!!

 

Rick

[Lugh]

ok 58 to 95 Dunn is about 4 hours.

 

when do you want to leave?

[Bill W]

From reading everything written thus far, I agree with the other and advise you to get out of there as quickly as possible. However, I have made a few other observations. You say you moved in with your boyfriend, who is 300 pounds and gets mean when he's drunk. I take it this means he is older, probably over 21, but in any case over 18. If this is the situation, and your profile says you are only 15, you can use this against him, should he make threats later and not wish to seek help for himself. If he continues to harrass you, even after you've moved out, you can advise them that if he continues, you will turn him in for statutory rape and that, by itself, will get him locked up and prevent him from making further contact with you. I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you have to use every weapon at your disposal to end an abusive relationship.

[The Reaper]

All i have to say is this. Go to the police, they can and WILL transport you if you tell them everything he has done to you. And remember, mental and emotional distress can be just as bad, if not WORSE than physical harm. The psychology of what he is doing to you can last with you forever.

 

If you are the type of person to be open to others, go see a therapist or a psychologist for some help. You may not need it, you may not want it, but they do end up solving any and all mental/emotional problems he is causing you.

 

As fro the police, let me reiterate, they WILL help you get out of your situation, and this is coming from a guy who doesn't like police.

 

This is no laughing matter and everyone you talk to is most definitely going to try and help you. If you have to, gather up your things and walk to the police station and stay there for as long as you need. But, they will transport you to wherever you want to go.

 

He is stronger than you and weighs more than you, that means he can definitely cause more physical harm to you if your weaponless. I am NOT saying you need to use any sort of weapon to hurt ANYONE, but i am saying that you have to use your head rather than your arms. Play him for a fool, use your thinking power to outwit him. Now, im not saying you should randomly start a fight and use your head to make him hurt himself, im saying use your head in this situation. Play to him until you are free. Try not to act any differently, but dont give in either. Just, let him think everything is going fine and then BAM! Your gone.

 

But at any rate, be safe bro. Everyone here is pulling for you and dont lose hope, you can and WILL get out of this. And after this is all over, your going to find a bf who will treat you right, who will love you as much as you love him.

 

 

 

Be safe and BE SMART,

 

Ian

[x Trevor x]

I appreciate all of your advice and I apologize for the late response I've been really busy and I really appreciate You Lugh for wanting to help me but really I think things are going to be fine now...we seem to be getting along really well these past two weeks and he hasnt drank alcohol in over a month so maybe I will give it one more shot.

[old bob]

I appreciate all of your advice and I apologize for the late response I've been really busy and I really appreciate You Lugh for wanting to help me but really I think things are going to be fine now...we seem to be getting along really well these past two weeks and he hasnt drank alcohol in over a month so maybe I will give it one more shot.

Are you sure ?

What happened could happen again ....

take care

(very) old bob