Talo Segura

It made me question what I'm doing here. As a new author I am really interested in discussing writing, I came across this test, which isn't a pass or fail school test, simply a way to measure, and it got me thinking about my writing. Others have tried to discuss inclusion within stories and a few people have taken offence. It's extremely painful to get this kind of reaction, because if nobody had ever mentioned inclusion of gays in stories and films etc. we probably wouldn't be here writing on this site. It was a straightforward discussion of the inclusion of women in stories. It seems perhaps that a discussion about women in some way threatens to bring the gay world tumbling down. That is insane insecurity. I find it disappointing that a member can get a forum thread taken down. I'd be interested in the reason why. Imagine a discussion on a non-gay writers site about a test which measures the presence of gay characters in stories and it's making people think about what they write, that's all, it just makes them think. But someone on that site says I don't want you telling me to put gays in my stories, my stories are all about normal heterosexuals. How would that make you feel as a gay person. It's exactly the kind of prejudice we have fought against. Not acknowledging there is an issue here is not acknowledging gays or women or anyone who is different exists. I realise I'm talking to the converted here, but if I was angry on the Forum I'd probably get banned.

I feel exactly the same. If you want to offer the story for free as an ebook, when it's finished posting here, I would convert it for you and host it on my site where it would be available for free download (not a plug for my site, I only created it because I could find no one who would host my story as an ebook, and I like keeping an electronic library. Besides I reckoned people would download the book and that way it would always exist somewhere in someone's library).

Well, it is 70% free in France, or 100% if you are really poor, but yes, even in France you get industrial food and it often tastes like cardboard. I remember pointing this out and the server smiled saying they don't add salt because it has to be healthy!

Well, when I was in hospital (in France) for breakfast it was coffee and a biscotte (dried toast). The lady asked would I like one biscotte or two? I was ravenous (they tend to starve you in hospital), I wanted to tell her to leave the whole packet, but I was more polite and said two, thank you. Then all I could think about was getting out of there and having a decent meal!

I'm not going to comment on the storyline, because it's all been said above, it's a great story. I know you do all the editing yourself and you do a good job, if you had someone else proof read, they might pick up the very few little things you miss. For example: “He deserves to be in jail,” angrily responded my sister. - My sister responded angrily. The same is true if someone beta read the story, they might point to certain things for you to consider. For example: Jack is sixteen, but sometimes comes across as thirteen. I know the testosterone/testicles confusion was an amusing reference, but would a sixteen year old really not know the word testosterone? I think proof reading would polish the story should you decide to publish it. After all it wouldn't do any harm, would it? Only make it better. Think about it. But anyhow, as I said, great story.

- After scanning the menu, I ordered bacon, scrambled eggs, toast and a glass of orange juice. - Jack's not in a hospital he's in a four star hotel! He probably won't want to leave, least ways unless things change at home.

You capture brilliantly the uncertainty of these teenagers, Simon and his feelings for Jeff, Freddie' s nervousness about the presentation.

A kind of quirky story that was entertaining to read. A road trip with a difference.

Now you've completely lost me. When I started this thread it was because I noticed STORY UPDATES on the FORUM page had been reduced to 5 listed updates. Now it has been put back to a list of 14 listed updates, just as it was before the change. I have done nothing, you must have put it back as it was before?

This is getting off topic, but I wanted to answer your point. I think a lot of authors are gentle retiring types, who sit lonely at their keyboard typing their story. It may have taken a big effort simply to join the site and put their work on here. You see self-promotion everywhere, "You like my book and I'll like yours." You have a valid point, you preferred the new presentation, but just be aware not everyone out there is a pushy go get it personality. A lot of authors do simply rely on that side bar and sit there waiting for someone to read, like or comment their story. It's for that reason I like to give new stories, new authors, a read when I see them appear. One little word of encouragement can mean a whole lot to someone, you know, make someone's day, make them feel good. I'm not criticising what you said, you are right about putting yourself out there, but there is always the flip side of the coin!

Yeah, it's uniquely different!

So I get what it is with the site. I'm probably not the brightest crayon in the box. Everything I want to see is under the STORIES tab: long list of updates and the stories featured with their summaries (if the authors don't make full use of summary, that's up to them). The only change I would make is the menu order. It seems logical to read: HOME / STORIES / FORUM coming to the site you probably click HOME which has nothing on it except a big advert. Yes it has other stuff, but I never bothered to read it, the presentation is unattractive (sorry, but that's how I see it). So I immediately clicked the next tab in the menu, FORUMS and that's saved on my tablet and that's where I go. If it was STORIES as the next tab I think it would point people to the right place. I know, I should read the ******* menu titles, but like a million other people I'm simply lazy and click tab number two on the right of HOME.

Cia said: "What you see on the Forums page is not what Guests see. When logged out, you can see the smaller list of updates..." I see five stories listed on the right of the Forums page, whether logged in or logged out, it doesn't change. I have always looked at this list to discover new stories and new authors. In fact I used to click nearly every new story, out of curiosity, and maybe make a discovery. I'm sorry, but I don't go searching for authors and stories. I did click the more story updates, it returns an unattractive data list of stories that I pretty much ignored. This is just me telling you my experience as a reader, it might not be everybody's. I would like to see a story list with maybe the first line of the new chapter, rather like you do on the Forum side with say prompts or other stuff you put up that you want people to click on and read: Prompt 818 and Prompt 819 By comicfan in Writing Tips 0 Boy, time flies when all you do is work. We made it to another Friday, so, let's see if these new prompts... The above is formatted to attract people to click, and it works. The main substance of the site is surely the stories people write, the community wouldn't exist without them. I do really miss that list of Story Updates that had around a dozen places featuring newly posted chapters. As an author, I'd like to see my new chapter featured for as long as possible (vanity, I know). I do find mostly that does happen on other sites. Which brings me back to the original point, if none of the five new chapters on the Forums page Story Updates interest me, having checked my notifications, a quick look in the Forum and maybe Authors club, then I'm off to a different site. There you have one person's view, habits, whatever, and that basically means the change to a shorter Stories Updates on the Forum page is a negative move, I can't really say it differently.

The number of story updates seems to have become rather small, only five, didn't it use to be bigger? I would focus on stories over forum on a story site, just my opinion of course, but the stories seem to be lost. Or perhaps there aren't that many being posted? Certainly you can search for stories, but I always just looked at the list on the right - story updates - and if a story I was following didn't have a new chapter, I'd look at any new story posted, then the others on that list. Wondering why you made the story list so small?

Which is exactly what I like about this story. That, and that Simon doesn't fall in love with some incredibly cute boy who moves in next door or arrives at school/college. No, Simon makes friends with real people and they each have their own unique characters.

Twenty chapters and I have become very attached to these characters. In a way it's a little frustrating, because I would like to see them open up a bit more, especially Jeff and Simon. I think both of them are somehow trapped by their previous relationships. They both want close friends, close gay friends, but nothing more. Probably every reader is waiting for them to get together, romantically, but I don't think it will happen. Which means... you will have to write a sequel!

Not bad, but watch the missing word syndrome: So if she wanted him to be good to Lucas and take care of him, he wouldn’t make her life - more -difficult than it already was by going against her word.

"It is why, even though we have enabled each other's habits throughout the years, I would never think of leaving him. He offers me a level of understanding I have scarcely found elsewhere, especially in such abundance." Had/have the same relationship. I guess he sort of left me, it didn't matter, not in the end. I was only alone until I found someone else. Of course, that someone else was never him, but then he was so flawed, some of that you could put down to abuse; not, I think all. I was/am equally flawed, who isn't? Perhaps those who never look at themselves? He/we shared a supreme level of understanding, we still do. No matter if I haven't seen him for years, haven't talked in ages. We could simply pick up as if no time had ever come between us, but I wouldn't. I won't say more, it's another story... You played Dungeons and Dragons, the four of you. I played other more real imaginary games, four of us! You took a trip abroad at twenty something? I did too, only not to convert people. What does all this mean? In one way it's a chess game played out on a giant stage, you move the pieces, some fall, they're all connected. One game may even be much the same as another?

Another good chapter as the story heads into troubled waters. One comment on the narrative, you mix tenses: At least my parents hadn’t kicked me out of the house when they found out I am gay. - I was gay. I suppose that sooner or later everyone would figure out my secret anyway. - I supposed. If the story is in the past tense it needs to stay in the past tense. Still a great story!

Very well done, 9 out of 10 for the translation, great start to a promising story. Now tell me who lives in the house at 53° 52' 37", 10° 42' 00" in Lübeck next to the Baltic Sea (Yeah, I couldn't resist going there - virtually. Okay, I know that's very geeky, but you put in the coordinates 😁)?

Readers identify with the characters you have created and the real life drama you portray in your story, so don't be surprised that quite a few people like reading this. You deserve the following you have built. But... I do really want to read what happens at Hades, can't wait until the boys visit the club, but I might have to!

Never saw it coming, it was... explosive! You brought the Jarren/Nash relationship full circle, tying Lex and Cassie in with Nash (a little suspension of belief, but this is fiction). Then Nash has a severely handicapped daughter who dies in his arms. This was all very melodramatic, terribly sad, and very emotional. I have to admit the violence laid out on Lex as a fourteen year old turned my stomach, I'm not saying the graphic details had no place, but in the context of all the mundanety that led up to this chapter, it's severe shock effect.

"Jarren started “I started to figure out I was gay when I was around twelve or thirteen." This is a repeat of the story of Jarren's childhood you told us somewhere back at the beginning of the story. The bit where he spews over his pretend girlfriend and Mazen tells him he will hurt people by not being open. You could simply have said: Jarren told Nash about his teenage years, not leaving out the episode with... or something like that, I don't think you need to repeat tell the whole scene?

I'm sorry but I don't understand the reasoning for a - Filler chapter. I already thought the last chapter had a lot of filling?

I would have loved to have seen the interaction between Danny, Nash, and Jarren played out in front of the match, but sadly it wasn't to be. I think you missed out on a more complex storyline if this turns out to be simply Jarren meets Nash and together Jarren overcomes his hangups, reconciles with his family (maybe Nash with his) and they ride off into the sunset. Sometimes I think we can overdo the description, as in "Jarren got up and put the two pizzas in the oven when the buzzer indicated it had reached the preset temperature." I think everybody knows the oven buzzes when it's up to the temperature, so why not - the buzzer sounded, Jarren got up and put the pizzas to cook. It's not really a criticism, just made me smile. The dreaded drugs, difficult subject, I think you handled it well.