shadowgod

I have no idea what you are talking about

I had an odd dream last night. Well, not so much odd, for me, as unexpected. For some reason whenever I dream about a home, it's always my aunts house. The one I moved out of some 5 years ago now. It does not matter if the home is supposed to be my home, or someone elses home it's always that particular house. Anyhow I dreamt1 of it again last night. In this incarnation, it was not my home, nor was it my aunts home;it was the home of a guy I was interested in. He seemed happy, content even. Hell, I was happy. Just something seemed off about it. I don't know if it was the familiarity of the house. Maybe it was being in that moment, when the moment can't exist outside of Nod's realm. Maybe it was the older man two rooms away. He said nothing to me, just watched like a lion in the grass, and a thin whisp of cigarette smoke. I don't know what the symbology of this all means. I could venture a guess or two, or simply say: a dream is a wish your heart makes... I dunno though, that all seems so cut and dry, the dream seems more complicated then that. In other news... I've been chatting with this guy, It's become clear that he is more interested in me than I am in him. I don't want to be a dick and say yeah this isn't gonna go anywhere, but sometimes we have to be a dick to get our point across yes? Steve 1 For all you grammar nazis I checked and dreamt is an acceptable past tense term for dream, so is dreamed... that one just sounds ill educated to me for some reason. ... I've been in school too long if I'm including foot notes on blog posts.

It has been quiet in here. I suppose that is majorly my fault. I could say nothing has been happening, but that is a lie. A lot of things have happened in the 8 weeks since I have written anything round here... The spring semester came to a close, I only managed a 3.15 GPA for the entire semester, so I dunno what to think about it, good on one hand but meh I could do better. I should do better. Doing so wouldn't take much more effort on my part. Im a year away from transfering to the University. This is both exciting and scary at the same time, but Im looking forward to it more than anything. Mostly because it is all there is to look forward to pretty much. That sounds bad I guess, but its what it is. I hate coming online anymore. I dunno why it happened but everything feels so strained. Its weird to see a list of people I used to talk with on a daily basis. I'd like to talk to them, but I dont want to "bother" them, and some days its seems like that is all I do is bother them. So I stayed away for awhile trying to avoid all this awkwardness and loaded silences. It didnt work so well for the most part, conversations are strained, they end unexpectedly... and I end up feeling like the bad guy. I made some choices and for better or worse they were my choices. Not the choices of another person or what not. I dunno where Im going with this, I guess I sometimes just dont feel all that welcome here anymore, and I know its has nothing to do with anyone here, its something inside me. Its dumb, I go through phases where Im all into something. I work hard at it and what not, but there comes a time when something else catches my attention and I move in that direction. Im trying not to let that happen here. Im trying to get rid of this disconnect I feel, but it seems like Im the only one who is trying. Again this is an issue of my own design. I just don't know if I've burned all those bridges.

I havent been going nuts.... I went already and came back

Surely goat you aren't condoning cannibalism?

3 admins 3 mods I knew I should have started this thread the other day just so you could have the knowledge of it hanging over you... happy B-Day Eric Steve

The doctors and interestingly enough the damn wii fit as well, all say I need to gain weight. yet I look at my stomach and am convinced I need to loose some. Its kinda screwed really.

figured Id share again... its huge, but tough Im too lazy to re size it Anyhow, it was taken this past weekend on a daytrip down to the shore. Steve

Capacity Reached (yes you are )

So here is an interesting exchange that happened between one of my co-workers and I this afternoon. He was a little apprehensive, apparently he had made plans with another coworker--We'll Call him Coworker #2--to go to the gym and workout. It didnt work out too well and he ended up standing up COwroker #2, so he was scared that #2 was going to be all made and cause some friction in the work place. Well coworker #1 had some issues with his phone and by the time he got them resolved there were a few text messeges and a few voice mails from coworker #2 asking if they were still going to the gym. Coworker #1 tried calling back but his calls went unanswered. A few hours later Coworker # 2 Tries to call back, but #1 answers the phone to late. He tries to call back, and it only goes to voice mail. He was explaining all this to me , and I'm fairly sure that by the last call #2 was looking at his phone all "f**k that Bitch..." About this time, I mentioned to #1 that he better be careful, because #2 was gonna get the pink mafia on him. He responded, Ohh get him boys, in an effeminate voice with a laugh trying to dismiss threat. I warned him not to laugh it off, not all of them are like that, they could send the leather Daddies after him. He laughed and mentioned He doesn't know what a leather daddy looks like. I told him he'll know them when he sees them I think I'd rather enjoy seeing that. #1 is definitely cute, and definitely dangerous. and sadly straight... not that it matters that much. If he was otherwise inclined, I could get into a lot of trouble. Somehow in all his little sexiness I believe he would be worth it. anyhow... that was the fun today, catch ya'll on the flip side Steve

WHat do you want it changed to from rather? I can take care of that. After all Joe will just tell me to do it anyway Steve

or, in the upper right hand corner there is a menu that reads options. By selecting "Subscribe to this forum" You will be notified of by email when a new topic or reply is posted. However, Cj's forum gets a little busy so it may be wiser to go to the new story announcements forum/s and subscribe to those instead. The drawback there is you will be notified of new announcements by all Hosted - Shared - Promising - etc. authors, depending on which forum you subscribe to. Hosted - Subscribe to this forum if you want announcements from all GA Hosted Authors ( This Includes C James, dkstories, Dom Luka et all ) Promising- Subscribe to this forum for announcements from Promising authors. eFiction- Subscribe to this forum for announcements from all other Authors who are currently posting to our eFiction section. Hope this helps, if you have any questions feel free to grab me and shake. Steve Oh yes, there is a drawback to email notifies... It is server sided so it may take a while to send out the notifications.

Happy Birthday maddy. Hope you have a great day! Steve

I don't understand it. I guess it isn't something that can be understood, because in order to understand, an uncomfortable conversation would have to take place. Questions would have to be asked... questions that in all likelihood have no answers. So, in turn, we accept silence. Silence is easier... Well, silence sucks; the void created is only filled with self doubt. I thought I was over this years ago. I thought the whole angsty part of my life was far removed from the routine of my life, yet as I lay in bed most nights the same question chews at the back of my psyche. "What the hell is wrong with you?" "NOTHING!" I know that is what a fair amount of you are screaming at the screen right now, or at least whispering in your mind. I'm willing to bet that you are following that term up with "You're a great guy..." Please don't say that. I don't want accolades. I want brutal assessment. I don't want that sappy comment that one feels they need to say when someone is kicking themselves. More-over I just want a hey how are you doing... and not from the usual suspects. I know who cares about me, and lately I know, brutally, who doesn't... and that sucks worst of all. It makes me feel a million degrading things about myself. Which is probably all me over reacting and over thinking the situation. I know I do that, and I am sorry for it. I'm sorry I am not confidant enough. It sucked that I couldn't be the man you want... but what really hurts is I'm not allowed to be a friend. Maybe that too is me over-thinking crap; maybe our definitions of friend just differ, cause after all we are good... Actions, speak louder than words. I understand that, this bitch that is life keeps teaching me that. What I don't understand however, is all or nothing. All or nothing can kiss my ass. Sorry, this isn't what I wanted. I just... I'm sorry. I told you anything you need, ever, anytime... the offer will always stand. It's just the silence. I hate the silence. The monster attacks in the silence.

No Carl, NO tequila is good, or great or anything other than bad Bad BAD! Thanks for the heads up Vic, unfortunately I know tequila is bad. I just forgot that tid-bit around beer #6 and still didn't recognize that fact several shots later I'm not Eric, the liquid makes me black out and loose several vital pieces of information. It may sound like a generalization on the surface... but it isn't tequila is bad... at least in regards to me it is. Waking up with out having remembered going to bed is bad I don't care how it is rationalized. No no Dan unfortunately... or wait, maybe that is a benefit to me Steve #2 keep your taquitos and your nice Mexican liquor... I curse the Agave! I'm lost as to how Benji can support me... No there will be no need for shirts that read "don't Tequila the shadowgod!" Trust me, standing orders have been issued to knock me upside the head should I ever think tequila is a good idea.

tequila is bad. thats it. you can move on now.

Are you three different people? No. I'd venture to say your demeanor changes based on your surroundings and the people you are interacting with, but whose doesn't? The whole other thing that could be at the base of this... I dunno what to say other then don't let anyone push you into anything. Everything you do has to be for you, especially something like that. Doing it before you are comfortable with it could be bad for you, but great for other people because they get what they want. I guess like everything, you just have to weigh the pros and cons of it. You are worth his patience over that, and if he cant be paitient well that will be his choice I guess. I fell you over your mom's response. Been there plenty of times, and I still cant say that damn word to her. Now though its just a Mexican stand off of sorts. SO yeah can't offer anything there. Love? I don't know much about love. Say if you feel it. Rather say it if the person your saying it to is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind at night. Say it if your afraid of scaring them away. DON'T say it if you think it will make them stay, and don't confuse it with the other L word... but I think you know that anyhow, good luck with all this... Stuff. Just be true to yourself, you are the only person you have to answer to in the end. Steve p.s. if you ever need to scream or whatever about whatever, you know how to get a hold of me anytime.

damn you guys are fast... even if I am day late sorry

We have all heard the passage. Can recite it blindly, but for those of you who may have been hiding under a rock. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I only ever had good intentions. I got confused along the way, but I had just gotten better. And I found myself in hell. I dont want to be here, I want to be back where crap was good. I want to be back where "heya" gave me a smile. I've been listening to a song it helped me get over my confusion, then friday night one line reinforced they way things happen in life. We're just a bunch of little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good to rust. ~Wake up by Arcade Fire Something filled up my heart with nothin' Someone told me not to cry. Now that I'm older my hearts colder, and I can see its all a lie. Children wake up hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust. If the children dont grow up, our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good into rust I guess we'll just have to adjust With my lightnin bolts a glowin' I can see where I am goin to be when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand With my lightnin bolts a glowin' I can see where I am gowin With my lightnin bolts a glowin I can see where I am go goin You better look out below I am almost done turning everything to rust

I am convinced I must have been a huge prick in a former life. I guess in some ways I still am.

(1) Lips and fingers man... LIPS AND FINGERS!! sometimes toys. (2) One could say they doubt a straight woman would write gay porn as well. Any gay male author who fears writing a lesbian sex scene really needs to grow up and leave the kindergarten playground mentality where it belongs.

It was whiny me bitching about work mostly but yeah no more whiny. as for making it private, I have to keep you old guys on your toes now don't I?

Okay, so I made an exceedingly whiny blog post earlier today. I have subsequently set said post to private because me being all... I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say if it wasn't me that wrote it I'd want to strangle the little bitch that did. Anyhow, me giving in to that attitude isn't going to work. So here is the deal. If I don't stop myself and do in the future post something that just makes you want to strangle me for being a whiney little bitch, by all means do what ever you can to get a hold of me and tell me to pull it quicker than a teenager on a lonely friday night MmmKay? I thank you all in advance. I know its hard to believe but GA is my only connection to the "Gay Community". For better or for worse that is how it is. I don't want to do anything to make the lot of you think any less of me. I'm not saying sorry, just taking responsibility for how I have been acting lately. I've been crying that Im stuck. that is such crap and typical of me to do. I'm dwelling on the not so great and over looking what i have achieved in the last several months. I've come a long way in my stay here, and I thank all of you for that. Hopefully, with a more measured dose of bitching in the future, I will continue to make myself into the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. I started the Creative writing class on Monday night... There were a number of "inspirational" or "motivational" passages by famous writers. We were told to choose one passage that relates to our writing. I couldn't choose one, there were two I was bouncing back and forth between. "Any work aspiring, however humbly, to the status of art should carry its justification in every line." ~Joseph Conrad- "On Life & Art" "The Great Mystery is not that we have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is from our very prison we draw, from our own selves, images powerful enough to deny our nothingness." ~Andre Malraux, 1933 Man's Fate I dunno what I do is sort of art, at some base level. My intention is to move the reader to some emotion. Yet then again a lot of what I write is completely visual for me. So perhaps its more Malraux than Conrad. Eh I don't care for Conrad all that much anyhow. Anyhow I bring this up because of my inability to choose between these two seemingly seperate quotes. My less than succulant way of expressing the foibles I see in them. One is about perfection, the other is about the grittiness of reality. Which is art? Aren't they both? I think so. But anyhow, I'm going to keep working, making progress, however slow. I'm gonna smile. I can see the horizon, and Im going to make myself better, make myself great to get there. There I will be happy, there I will be whole. There, I get what i want. Trust me it's worth it. See you along the road to the horizon Steve

Its been awhile... I look pissed dont I. Steve

BOOO I have a prior commitment somewhere else... its a surprise engagement party for my sister, we still need to find the guy. I'm thinking reality show. oh yeah you were supposed to be driving have a good time