shadowgod

tequila is bad. thats it. you can move on now.

Are you three different people? No. I'd venture to say your demeanor changes based on your surroundings and the people you are interacting with, but whose doesn't? The whole other thing that could be at the base of this... I dunno what to say other then don't let anyone push you into anything. Everything you do has to be for you, especially something like that. Doing it before you are comfortable with it could be bad for you, but great for other people because they get what they want. I guess like everything, you just have to weigh the pros and cons of it. You are worth his patience over that, and if he cant be paitient well that will be his choice I guess. I fell you over your mom's response. Been there plenty of times, and I still cant say that damn word to her. Now though its just a Mexican stand off of sorts. SO yeah can't offer anything there. Love? I don't know much about love. Say if you feel it. Rather say it if the person your saying it to is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind at night. Say it if your afraid of scaring them away. DON'T say it if you think it will make them stay, and don't confuse it with the other L word... but I think you know that anyhow, good luck with all this... Stuff. Just be true to yourself, you are the only person you have to answer to in the end. Steve p.s. if you ever need to scream or whatever about whatever, you know how to get a hold of me anytime.

damn you guys are fast... even if I am day late sorry

We have all heard the passage. Can recite it blindly, but for those of you who may have been hiding under a rock. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I only ever had good intentions. I got confused along the way, but I had just gotten better. And I found myself in hell. I dont want to be here, I want to be back where crap was good. I want to be back where "heya" gave me a smile. I've been listening to a song it helped me get over my confusion, then friday night one line reinforced they way things happen in life. We're just a bunch of little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good to rust. ~Wake up by Arcade Fire Something filled up my heart with nothin' Someone told me not to cry. Now that I'm older my hearts colder, and I can see its all a lie. Children wake up hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust. If the children dont grow up, our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good into rust I guess we'll just have to adjust With my lightnin bolts a glowin' I can see where I am goin to be when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand With my lightnin bolts a glowin' I can see where I am gowin With my lightnin bolts a glowin I can see where I am go goin You better look out below I am almost done turning everything to rust

I am convinced I must have been a huge prick in a former life. I guess in some ways I still am.

(1) Lips and fingers man... LIPS AND FINGERS!! sometimes toys. (2) One could say they doubt a straight woman would write gay porn as well. Any gay male author who fears writing a lesbian sex scene really needs to grow up and leave the kindergarten playground mentality where it belongs.

It was whiny me bitching about work mostly but yeah no more whiny. as for making it private, I have to keep you old guys on your toes now don't I?

Okay, so I made an exceedingly whiny blog post earlier today. I have subsequently set said post to private because me being all... I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say if it wasn't me that wrote it I'd want to strangle the little bitch that did. Anyhow, me giving in to that attitude isn't going to work. So here is the deal. If I don't stop myself and do in the future post something that just makes you want to strangle me for being a whiney little bitch, by all means do what ever you can to get a hold of me and tell me to pull it quicker than a teenager on a lonely friday night MmmKay? I thank you all in advance. I know its hard to believe but GA is my only connection to the "Gay Community". For better or for worse that is how it is. I don't want to do anything to make the lot of you think any less of me. I'm not saying sorry, just taking responsibility for how I have been acting lately. I've been crying that Im stuck. that is such crap and typical of me to do. I'm dwelling on the not so great and over looking what i have achieved in the last several months. I've come a long way in my stay here, and I thank all of you for that. Hopefully, with a more measured dose of bitching in the future, I will continue to make myself into the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. I started the Creative writing class on Monday night... There were a number of "inspirational" or "motivational" passages by famous writers. We were told to choose one passage that relates to our writing. I couldn't choose one, there were two I was bouncing back and forth between. "Any work aspiring, however humbly, to the status of art should carry its justification in every line." ~Joseph Conrad- "On Life & Art" "The Great Mystery is not that we have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is from our very prison we draw, from our own selves, images powerful enough to deny our nothingness." ~Andre Malraux, 1933 Man's Fate I dunno what I do is sort of art, at some base level. My intention is to move the reader to some emotion. Yet then again a lot of what I write is completely visual for me. So perhaps its more Malraux than Conrad. Eh I don't care for Conrad all that much anyhow. Anyhow I bring this up because of my inability to choose between these two seemingly seperate quotes. My less than succulant way of expressing the foibles I see in them. One is about perfection, the other is about the grittiness of reality. Which is art? Aren't they both? I think so. But anyhow, I'm going to keep working, making progress, however slow. I'm gonna smile. I can see the horizon, and Im going to make myself better, make myself great to get there. There I will be happy, there I will be whole. There, I get what i want. Trust me it's worth it. See you along the road to the horizon Steve

Its been awhile... I look pissed dont I. Steve

BOOO I have a prior commitment somewhere else... its a surprise engagement party for my sister, we still need to find the guy. I'm thinking reality show. oh yeah you were supposed to be driving have a good time

right track steve number 2... though think more along the lines of plurals and possession hint ' and goat....

The Answer... LASIK doesnt work for astigmatism...

Grrrr Where in the hell have all the people gone? I just had to cancel an eye appointment I had this afternoon... which pisses me off to no end, but that is besides the point. It took like an hour to cancel the damn appointment! First of all there is a stupid call-block thing on the work phone, so I have to enter a seven digit password to make a toll-free call ( 866 HELLO! ). Then the stupid "automated" system is being all sketchy. Sounds like a skipping CD. Then it wasn't recognizing entries, because its sounding all sketchy. So yeah had to call it five times to get through everything, re-entering everything every time. Why doesn't zero hand you over to an operator anymore? There is record unemployment and I have to waste time fighting with a broken machine. Bleh... Im not happy I had to cancel the appointment. My glasses are old and f**ked up, and the contacts are off I guess. I don't like wearing them at night because the vision isnt as good, as it is with my glasses. I should just go to my sister in laws place and have the exam done there. Should be about the same in the end I think. seeing as my Insurence Co thinks a $50 co-pay and a $79.99 ( and up it starts there depending on lenses used) is reasonable for an eye-exam. So yeah not too happy right now, but then again at least I won't be resting my head in that torture device that puffs air into your eyes today. Thank heavens for small miricles right? f**k that I want a big one. Steve

I got called pitiful yesterday. It was in jest but I dunno, anything for the demons to latch on to ya know? The perpetrator is a regular customer. He buys lottery and a few weeks ago we were doing that 'what would you do?' shtick. I may have mentioned that I really have no need for massive sums of money, Just enough to be comfortable and stable and Ill be just fine. He was saying that he is going to buy a Ferrari. Don't get me wrong, I love Ferrari and would love to drive one. I just can't justify spending $350,000 on one. No matter how much money I won playing the lottery. Rent one for the weekend? Sure I'd rent one for the week and have a grand time with it, but thats as far as it would go. He insists that the Ferrari is key. matter of fact he has changed his mind, instead of winning the lottery himself he now wants me to win the lottery so he can "manage" me. He i9s convinced the Ferrari is key because it will get me laid. Yes the $350,000 car is for nothing more that attracting pussy and thus enabling me to "f**k till I DIE". I dunno while the thought sounds appealing, I dunno I'd rather have people attracted to me for me, not for what I can do for them. He however swears that, that is beside the point. Its all about getting laid. then he asked how many times Ive been laid in the last year. How many girlfriends I had. If I just have one steady girlfriend. I didn't correct him. Am I a closet case? perhaps. But, who I sleep with honestly isn't up for public debate, and peoples first impression of me shouldnt be clouded by the fact I like guys more than girls. Its stupid I guess and the wrong way to approach the subject. I dunno maybe I should have told him yeah not gonna happen cause I prefer the cock. Bleh it just sucks, I know he was joking. yet he said what I have been feeling and its kinda shitty in a way. Steve

Happy Birthday Tiff, hope it is great.

It could be stereotyping it could be just using a broad brush with no malice implied. I do agree though, emotional attachment is a function of the being, and not their sexuality. Honestly Nicholas, all I could suggest is for you to back peddle, the scenario described to me says that you invested more into what is happening (happened) then he has. So yes while it is gonna suck for you to have to give him a fake smile your gonna have to do it. You knew where he stood, yet acted on a feeling he didn't share. it's not going to be fair of you to dump a boatload of expectation onto him. Sorry that's just my opinion. While yeah he may be your dream guy, he doesn't share the feeling.

T-Shirt hell was going away, that had me bummed, but now it isn't and apparently never was

Damn Kevin those two lines are hauntingly beautiful and shockingly poignant. I hope you find your sun, either internally or externally... I like it when you shine

Congrats Mark, Welcome to the club. What do you think of the complimentary car? Oh wait they discontinued that last year.... sorry bout tha' Steve

Whats Up... Class starts again next week and it looks like I'm going to end the off time with a whimper rather than a bang. That's okay though, I got a lot done over the break. Not writing wise, but I guess I sorted some personal shit out, ran into some more, and got that dealt with. Crap I still need to buy books, and update the FAFSA... :wacko: Totally out of left field... A cheap little prepaid TMobil phone was left at the station last week. No one has claimed it, or even asked about a phone being found. Yesterday I put on my little detective hat and turned it on in effort to track down the owner. Phone-book was useless as it only had numbers to refill the phone's minutes and to check balances and what not. So I moved on to text messages, see if I could call one of the numbers and tell them whoever lost their phone its here. Well that's where the story gets interesting. It was like a prepaid, mobile version of craigslist. Apparently the phones owner has a storage place a few miles away and its private and he likes to meet people there. Oh yeah his tastes do not include people who need to watch straight porn to get hard because they have issues. Honestly I agree, but that is besides the point the point is the freakin storage place! Honestly? so Im guessing it has a bed and ... crap I don't want to think about that. Who does this? other than the owner of said abandoned prepaid phone. I guess if you just have to bust a nut and nothing else will do not me though, no way! Other happenings... I have to go sign up for the GED today, the test isn't until mid april. Im nervous about it. I shouldn't be, Ive been told I'm smart. Still nervous though. When they say You're not that strong You're not that weak Its not your fault And when you climb up to your hill Up to your place I hope you're well

I dont think spam (the canned wonder meat) qualifies as ham in most regards. Sides i think the biggest ham around here is a goat.... has anyone taken a gander at forum post count totals lately? Those domaholics are going to feel so shamed! Steve

LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! That said; However I understand why you are doing it so

I hate not being sure of something. I believe this is at the heart of my ... issues lately. That being said, I usually never act on something if there is risk involved. What can I say, I'm a big pussy in that regard. Somehow, over the last several weeks, I am no longer sure of much anything at all and its bugging the hell out of me. It started with one thing and just ballooned from there. People whose presence I took for granted are talking about moving across the country, the job I have had, and loathed for the last decade, is going away. School is alright, but I'm still not where I want to be with it... Any one of these things happening I can handle, its just the shock of all of them flooding down on me, blocking any path of retreat... To be honest it has me scared because I dont know what to do or where to turn. The end result is I have been... touchy I guess is the best word? I dunno. I feel horrible about the whole thing, I know its shit at the time Im doing it, but I still do leaving me to appologize after most likely looking like a big ass about the whole thing. It's not fair to the people I care about... So in an effort to avoid completely blowing up at people, and showing just how much of an asshole I am capable of being, I've been avoiding and ducking out on crap, which... isn't fair either. It's just, yet again I am still in the same place that I was last year, and so many before that. Time passes and I have no accomplishment, nothing new to show for it. Don't ask me why I am impatient. I dunno really. I don't know why the passage of time is so acute to me. Its just something I'm overly paranoid about. Maybe its because I'm afraid of growing old. Afraid of dying alone. So afraid that it cripples everything else I do. I stay quiet because I don't want to offend anyone, I don't initiate things because I don't want to scare them off. Yet because of these stupid irrational fears, I'll just end up bringing about my biggest fear. And that is what I am really afraid of... my fears shaping a gruff personality which in the end will leave me alone... Enough of the whole introspective self deprecating analysis its honestly counter productive anyhow Work - Don't know the outcome, but meh whatever, the owners have a history of being less then honest or forthcoming about vital info so really whats new? I'll just keep getting on till the getting is done I guess. School - Starts again in a week, I have to go buy books. Only 9 units this go round and Im kind of annoyed there. I think after this semester I'll have 29 transferable units completed. Need 30 to get a TAG (Transfer Admission Guarantee)To the University of California. So looks like a summer course or something, bleh... I want to be there now, not another three semsters from now, after the 30 to get the guarantee, you need to complete another 30 before you can transfer. long Story short its taking forever and I'm impatient remember? Writing - Dreams & Clipped Wings seems hopelessly stalled for the time being. Yet another thing that has me feeling like an ass. Thanks to everyone who nominated DnCW for a members choice award, I really wanted to get another chapter out to show my appriciation. I just can't now and that sucks. I have, however, been puttering around something else, I may be posting it soon instead. So yeah... I think that is it; just a big ole barrel of SSDD. Catch ya all on the flip side... soon Steve PS major appologies if Ive been a little... off lately, if it happens and you notice it feel free to tell me to STFU. I will comply unless certin conditions apply, then I may get nasty, but that wont happen 99.5% of the time

I hate not getting a straight answer. So there was a meeting on Wednesday, has to do with my future to some degree. You see I have been getting the mail for the business the last few days and there have been a few notices from the pay-phone company we deal with, which basically say: "Hey, we've noticed that you have opened an escrow account, please inform the new owner that we have a contract with you, and the new contract will be binding for them as well!" Okay so there is an escrow account open big deal, could be for the subway and what not. Compound that by the guy walking in and saying he needs some info for the owners on re-imaging. Now, we just got re-imaged about 18 months ago. Now this was too much so I called the office and was all "Hey this shit is going on just so you know." Boss called back and said he wanted to meet Wednesday morning at 8:30. The just of the meeting; "The place is pretty much sold. It's a sure thing, but it might fall through" What kind of no committing ass backward answer is that? If its sold say it

So, yeah entry number two, because Im mad bored like this and I found this story particularly entertaining. So my sister has (had? its hard to keep up some days) a crush on a guy that works down the way. I find him particularly Goober-ish... He even has a a shirt with sushi on it, and covets a shower curtain painted with large vestiges of the fishy entr