Lux's Indulgences - 4. Lonely

I

 

Nobody knows the tears

I’ve wept.

No one has seen the invisible

Marks I have left.

No one has heard my voice

My desperate-silent cry.

 

Everyone else has a

Life to live.

Why don’t I?

 

Nobody knows what

I have to hide.

No one would want to know

So why would I?

No one cares enough to be

My guide.

 

Everyone else has a

Life to live.

Why don’t I?

 

Nobody touches me

I cannot feel it.

Nobody looks at me

Without contempt

Nobody knows I don’t know why

I still want to live.

 

Everyone else has a

Life to live.

Why don’t I?

 

If I am alone

Because no one

Could ever love me

 

Why should I?

 

 

 

 

II

 

Some things are different

Melting in still-cold sadness.

Where have all those

Wasted tears gone?

 

It seems more sensible

To just forget, waiting for

Another sacred moment.

 

Will the mystery clue

Appear?

 

 

 

 

III

 

Under my watchfulness

Another friend leaves

 

Gone

 

Away from pain

Away from my pain

Away from me

 

No one wants

To hear about your

Emotions,

Caught up in those

Deep thoughts

Again!

 

I've had enough of your

Your self-righteous

Martyrdom.

You're not a Philosopher

And no fucking Saint.

 

Will you just stop?

 

When you don't know

How to be that person

Other people want around,

Or the standards they'll

Allow you to hold

 

When you don't know

How to live a life

Worth living

How do you stop?

Where do you stop?

 

Why?

 

 

 

IV

 

Bells for no one

Not even me

Sonorous ringing

No longer

 

Fading away

 

There’s nothing I can do now

I can’t stop what’s coming

Why does the struggle seem

So worthwhile amidst the

Ideal, anyway?

 

Under the pillow

I planted the disease

No, I cannot stop loving

What I never began

 

What will never begin

 

 

 

 

V

 

It’s so cold in here

 

Here, there must be

Something...

 

Can you explain to me,

Where has this come from?

I know you hate, but is that

What makes you love?

 

Sons of sick men can still love

 

Maybe not me.

 

 

 

 

VI

 

Pass me a drink

 

I see them holding hands,

And I should be happy.

 

I see them kissing,

And I should be happy.

 

I see the ring,

And I should be happy.

 

I hear them fucking

Right across the hall

And I should be happy.

 

Happy.

 

Pass me a drink

And maybe I won’t hear

 

Just one more night.

 

 

 

 

VII

 

Some things are melting

Did you show me?

But you ran away

 

Still, I don’t know why but

I trust you anyway.

 

Is this yearning

Forgiveness?

 

Do I truly give it

So easily?

 

 

 

 

VIII

 

I never was much of one

For words.

 

Small-talk is unreal,

Tiny icicles prickling,

Piercing my skin

An internal friction of

Tissues, of organs

Grating against one another

 

Wishing for it to be over

Or to have meaning, an

Unfeigned connection

For once

 

So maybe in this cold

Warm way, I will find

That it’s just my own impatience

And not the frowns of Fortune

That deter me from

What I seek.

 

Frankly I believe

Everything and yet nothing

Seems to be the best option.

Giving up, waking up,

Singing down,

breathing the words…

 

I could have

I should have

 

I didn’t know.

 

Should I go away?

 

Pink nebulae await

Newcomers in their confusion

But I am old and have

Naught but ashes left.

 

If you breathe with me

Born of the sun

Rainbows guiding you

Away

 

You can go now,

But stuck

I only can

Stay

 

Would it still

Be this way if I had

Hated?

 

There isn’t much

Left to consider.

 

Years go by, and I’m still waiting.

Where is the answer, the call in the dark?

 

I don’t want to play

These games anymore.

 

 

 

IX

 

Simply worn,

Wrapped in a blanket.

The porch is peeling,

Bleached yellow in the sunset.

 

Certain uncertainty settling

Where it has always lain

At my feet, waiting to be

Picked up and read by

A blind man.

 

Surrounded by daylight

And yet still in darkness

Cold and lifeless

Warm

 

Why not a hobby?

Don’t go.

 

I’m lost in the crowd

And I’m so alone.

 

 

 

X

 

It'll hear you out, heal you

Even after the winter time

The darkness that hurt you,

Stumbling

Astray.

 

‘Blest are they,’

That’s what they say...

 

Time hurts when it’s only

A number on a clock to

Keep you working.

Praying.

 

What a cold and blunt reality.

 

‘Here I am, Lord.

It is I, Lord.’

 

But I have not heard you

Calling in the night.

 

'Should I go, Lord,

If you lead me?'

 

Is this madness,

This false belief?

Is faith just self-deception?

 

Am I alone in this

Infinite finite pocket of

Spacetime?

 

A machine of entropy

Formed by chance natural law?

 

A body with no anchor,

Holding false people

In my heart?