Toph's Empty Year - 23. Late July

I think it took all weekend for everything to sink in. I was going to Abington. This fall! I was going to Abington this fall! I could live home with my sweetheart for the next four years, work at Naomi’s and attend Abington. It felt like the roof had fallen around me but, instead of being crushed, I could see the sky. I was freed!

Gary insisted we celebrate. Sunday found us at – where else? – Belsorriso’s. Pampered by great food and violin music, I studied him carefully, this man I loved. I was sure somewhere under his exterior lived a romantic. I suddenly had an idea.

“Did you tell your parents?”

“No, not yet.”

“Wouldn’t your father know already? I mean, he’s on The Board.”

“No, I’m sure he doesn’t. There’s a quite strict separation between board activities and academic activities at Abington.”

“What does the board actually do?”

He chuckled, as though I thought the board did nothing. “They manage funds, approve the budget, figure out ways to produce income for projects and expansions – those kinds of things. They’re never involved in the day-to-day operations of the college.”

“Don’t tell them.”

“Who, the board?”

“No, silly – your parents. After Clarissa’s wedding is out of the way, let’s have them over for dinner, and then tell them. We’ll make it a special occasion.”

“What a great thought! I think I can keep it to myself for a few more weeks, but you know it wants to burst out. I’m so really proud of you.”

When he said stuff like that, colors literally exploded around him. I’d never felt so in love and loved in my entire life. I extended my right hand to grasp his left. There was little more than candlelight reflecting from our faces.

“Sweetheart, I fall more in love with you each day.”

“Sweetheart? You’ve never called me that before.”

“Oh, but you’re wrong. I call you that all the time – every time I think of you.”

“But never out loud.”

“There’ve been lots of things I’ve never said aloud. I do a lot of internalizing – probably too much.”

Gary gave a short laugh. “Ya think?”

“That’s all about to change. Just now, I feel freer and more empowered. Does that bother you?”

“No. It makes me even more proud of you – of how far you’ve come.”

Our conversation left me in a better place, permitting the suppression of all ‘Mother’ thoughts for the rest of the night.

But then it was Monday, the fifteenth. I realized there were only two weeks before Clarissa’s wedding. This meant only one week to confront Mother. The week of the wedding would be too busy in Dennydom. Clarissa was the only one who still lived at home. Needing her number, I called my brother.

“Charles?”

“Yes, Toph! What a surprise.”

“I need to ask you a small favor.”

“Certainly – anything!”

“I need Clarissa’s mobile number.”

Charles quickly supplied it. We talked a little and I assured him I would see him and Anne at the wedding and the reception. The next step was to call my sister.

“Hello?”

“Clarissa, it’s Toph.”

“Oh, wow! Hi, brother! I hope you’re not calling to say you’ll miss my wedding.”

“Certainly not. I met Teddy, you know. I really like him.”

“And he likes you too. He told me all about it.”

“Well, I want to visit Mother. I want to do it before your wedding activities become too intense, so I figured this would be a good week. But I don’t want her to know I’m coming. Is there a day and time you can be pretty confident she’ll be home?”

“Wednesday afternoon she has Bridge Club. It’s a sure thing she’ll be home Wednesday morning. Is there a problem? Should I have an ambulance on stand-by?”

“Hehe – no, nothing so dire. But please don’t tell her I’m coming. I want to observe all her reactions. You know how obdurate she can become.”

Oh, Toph! Only you could say that! I miss having you around.”

“I miss you too, big sister. Now I suggest you find somewhere else to be on Wednesday. I don’t want you getting hit by shrapnel. Teddy would never forgive me.”

We parted amid gales of sibling laughter.

That left me with but two days to prepare. It wasn’t like a lawyer preparing for trial. I didn’t need to find any more background information. What I needed to do was steel myself, mentally. I couldn’t walk in and say “I hate you!” I couldn’t kiss her and say “Why did you never hug me?” I couldn’t throw a photo of Steve at her and say “Stay the fuck out of my life!” Although, those would all have been good things to say.

No, I needed to prepare my demeanor. That was what she was the master of. I wished I could copy the perfect poker-face Gary owned, but I was an open book. I wore my emotions like my red hair – obvious, for all to see. That meant I had to be completely in the temperament I wished to convey, and that was one of outrage.

I spent all day Tuesday in front of the mirror, but it was hopeless. I looked like some afternoon soap-opera actor trying to emote, using words he had only skimmed that morning. Instead of the usual fit of pique with myself, I began laughing at my foolishness. How effete it would have been to confront the Queen of Spades with such an act.

No, I needed to be honest. Upset, yes, but honest. Hurt, yes, but I could show no weakness. Vulnerable, yes, but I could not lessen my attack. I realized to be those things would produce the frame of mind I required. No acting was necessary. For once, I would force her to be the actress.

Ten o’clock Wednesday morning found Toph where he thought he would never again be – entering Euphoria. He parked in the street and approached the front door. The house seemed even more imposing than it had before he fled. He rang the doorbell. Soon, he was standing in front of Elizabeth. She seemed shocked.

“Mr. Christopher!”

“May I enter, Elizabeth, or will you make me remain on the porch?”

She stepped aside as he entered.

“Is the Lady of the House in?” Toph spoke dispassionately, as would a stranger.

“Why, yes. She’s upstairs.”

“Would you be so kind as to tell her I will be waiting in the blue anteroom? It is still blue, is it not?”

“Yes – yes it is. Is she expecting you? She never mentioned it to me.”

“Does a son need to be expected by his mother?”

“I’ll tell her you’re here.” She quickly bolted from Toph’s presence as he entered the small blue room to sit on an uncomfortable Queen Anne chair. The wait was about ten minutes, which was five minutes shorter than he had expected. His mother glided onto the field of battle.

“Christopher! What a surprise!”

Toph rose, noting the absence of the adjective ‘pleasant.’ “Yes, Mother, it may well be.”

“I missed you at the gallery when I visited your impressive show.” A soft feeler.

“Yes, Luke said you were there. Thank you for the kind impressions you conveyed to him.” Two can play this game.

“Will you be at Clarissa’s wedding?” A small probe – a reconnaissance mission?

“Yes, of course. Gary and I are looking forward to it.” A subtle show of force.

“Do you need something? Are you low on funds?” A pitiful show of weaponry, offered to counter Toph’s General.

“No, no, I’m doing quite well. My paintings have brought in enough to make me comfortable.” A flanking maneuver.

“That’s good to hear, Christopher. Your gap year is nearly over. If you need money for college….” Come to you on his hands and knees? Ha!

“I’ve really come to ask you a few questions. Some things have been bothering me.” Toph’s own small probe.

“What kind of things?” Advantage, Toph.

He looked straight into her eyes. He wasn’t sure if she was as good as Gary, but needed to gauge her reactions. “In September, did you offer Austin money to break up with me?”

“But Austin told me you weren’t a couple.” Diversionary tactic.

“We weren’t. But did you offer him money to break up with me?” Pressing the offensive.

“I only wanted to find you. I thought he was hiding you somewhere.” Still not defending the point of attack.

“So, you’re saying that if he broke up with me, he’d have told you where I was?” Toph gave her a little rope to hang herself.

“Yes. That’s exactly what I thought.” Strike One!

“Why did you send me money?” Thrusting at a little chink in her armor.

“I only wanted to give you a backup. I knew you’d never ask for any, but I also knew you didn’t have any funds of your own. So it was just a safety net for you.” Time for Toph to do a little recon of his own.

“How did you know where I banked? Did Gary tell you?”

“No. I didn’t even know where you lived until I saw your name on the portrait of Garrett. When he told me it was painted by his flat mate, it wasn’t difficult.” Toph imagined it wasn’t. Things still didn’t quite add up to him.

“In December, why did you give money to Steve? Did you want him to break up with me too?” A little flanking strike.

“No, of course not! I merely wanted to encourage him to get you to Christmas dinner.” A pitiful charade.

“That was quite a chunk of encouragement you offered. Why was it so important for me to be at the dinner?” A straight-on frontal attack.

“I knew once you were here, in familiar surroundings, you would realize your folly and return home.” Strike Two!

Toph was still looking into her eyes – and learning. However, with her last statement, a slight purple haze began to becloud her visage.

“Your action scared Steve enough for him to break-up with me.” Overrunning her defenses.

“I’m sorry to hear that, but it only shows you how weak he was. He was never right for you.” Her argument was, in fact, capitulation. But worse, what she subsequently said only confirmed the guilt of her involvement. “You’re so much better off now.” Strike Three!

Everything now turned bright purple! My outrage was complete.

“Do not ever presume to think for me!”

Toph stepped forward. She was startled. “Christopher, you’re angry.”

“You have not yet seen my anger! But you will if I discover my sister in any distress at her wedding because of you. Whatever you have up your sleeve, drop it. I am not joking! Use your retirement to show a little love for your grandchildren instead. Hug Chester’s boys! Every boy needs to grow up feeling loved! I never did!”

At that moment, the young Toph dissolved before my eyes. I walked to the door and turned, pointing at her. “Do not fuck with me anymore. I mean it!”

Storming to my car, I realized how little respect I had for the woman. Slamming the door, I drove away. This time, I would leave my Euphoria behind forever! I was insulted to think she believed I would buy her line of crap.

I sat in my room all afternoon, thinking. When he came home, it didn’t take Gary more than a few seconds to realize how badly it had gone.

“I’m guessing today was confront-your-mother day.”

“Yes it was.”

“And you weren’t able to control your anger.”

“No, I was not.”

“So, we aren’t going to the wedding?”

“Oh, yes we are! We will be there to guarantee peace for Clarissa, at least for her big day. We will also shower love onto my three nephews. I know they get none from their father or grandmother. I don’t know enough about their mother – Marigold or something – to know if they get any from her, but I am determined they’ll get it from their Uncle Toph.”

“This is a side of you I haven’t had the pleasure of knowing, love.”

With the confrontation out of the way, my mind became calmed. I never realized how much my mother had been responsible for the inner turmoil which had threatened me all spring. I was a new person. Naomi’s store saw a reinvigorated me. With a surge of inspiration, I began to create her portrait at my home studio. I was effusive and uninhibited in my conversations with Joanne as we created an interesting meal for Anders and Gary. It resulted in many kisses on the cheek from her, as though encouraging me to remain in my new mood.

On Saturday morning, Gary enticed me into his car. We headed off for I knew not where. My mind was scrolling through all the possibilities for our mysterious destination, but it became clearer as we pulled onto the little street that paralleled the main drag.

“We’re going to visit Big Joe?”

“Yes, you need something decent for the wedding. My jackets don’t fit your taller, slimmer frame anymore.”

“But it takes weeks for Cucire and Sons to make a suit. The wedding is next Saturday. We’ve waited too long. Let’s go to Penny’s or something.”

Gary just gave me a long stare as he got out of the car. I followed, like a puppy dog.

“Toph; Gary! What a pleasant surprise! What can I do for you?”

“Toph needs a new suit. He’s been wearing mine, but you can see how his body has changed and they don’t look good on him anymore.”

“Every man needs a suit which is made to fit only him.”

“Exactly, Joe. Our only problem is that his sister’s wedding is next Saturday. Is it possible to have a suit made for him by then?”

“Of course. I’ll personally see to it. My good friend deserves special treatment.”

I stood there, my head swiveling back and forth as the conversation, about me, continued as though I wasn’t there.

Gary and Joe walked over to look at bolts of fabric. Finally, they approached me with a black, shiny material containing a subtle, gray pinstripe. I looked at Gary.

“You have got to be kidding!”

“Feel it, Toph. It’s a beautifully lightweight wool. You can wear it in any season.”

“You can wear it in any season, but not me. This is for a board room, a place I’ll never visit.”

Joe cracked a slight smile. The sly devil knew I wouldn’t go for it; he was only placating Gary.

Big Joe finally spoke up. “Why don’t you choose what you’ll be comfortable wearing, Toph?”

He accompanied me as I studied the contents of his shelves of beautiful fabric.

“How about this?”

I handed him a blue bolt. The color was not light or dark, but a royal blue made subtler with a thin gray pattern, which became completely invisible from about three feet away. He unwrapped a length and draped it across my shoulder.

“Beautiful, Toph. It’ll be striking on your thin frame.”

I turned toward Gary, expecting I wasn’t sure what, but he was smiling and nodding his head.

“Let me take your measurements. I’ll have it put together on Monday. Come by Tuesday morning for the fitting, and I guarantee it’ll be ready for you on Thursday.”

I was about to thank him when Gary spoke.

“Joe, let’s not waste these measurements. Why don’t we have a blazer and some pants made too? You can take your time on those.”

I was about to object, but could understand his reasoning. A blazer and slacks would do for almost anything I would need, and there would be no need to ask Joe for a ‘hurry-up’ favor when that time arrived. I selected a khaki and a light-gray fabric for those pants.

That behind us, we headed to Happy’s for lunch. About halfway through, Big Joe joined us. As I looked at Betty, and we three guys within this tight little circle, the color of a sunrise exploded in my mind. And there it was. Gary and I were now completely merged with New Glory. It made me realized the greater significance of the name of this little diner.

I wrote all afternoon. This was no longer a story of the Texas Boys. It was now J’s journey to self-realization. Ideas were flowing out of me. I’m glad I kept a copy of the outline because I was busy jotting pieces of ideas all over it; I was so worried I’d forget them. I knew I’d have to visit Oscar after the wedding, both to get his opinion on what I had already given him and also to reveal what was now firmly in my mind.

Sunday saw us at that golf course again. This time I had a new perspective. We played the par-three course twice, laughing and joking the entire time. I got a little better too. Someday soon, we would tackle the real course! I believed I was no longer a threat to the safety of fellow golfers.

In the run-up to Clarissa’s wedding, I visited Cucire and Sons for my final fitting and received the beautiful suit on Thursday, as promised. That evening, Gary and I visited a few shops in New Glory for shirt, tie and shoes. It felt like I was the one getting married! But that thought stuck in my brain. It wasn’t legal yet for two men to be married. However, anyone could see the handwriting was on the wall. In a few years, when it was legal, how would I feel? How would Gary feel?

Finally, the big day arrived. Saturday morning, comfortably ensconced in my sleeping lover’s arms, I began to think. No, not those over-thought worries. Those were behind me. In my mind, I projected the day ahead. I was determined to thoroughly enjoy myself. I realized my enjoyment, in itself, would be the best gift for Clarissa and Teddy. I was also determined to become friends with my three nephews. Those boys needed to know they were loved. I’m not sure what their mother – Mayberry, or something – had provided in that regard, but I knew how cold their father and grandmother were. They would not see it reflected in this uncle. That was my solemn promise. It took a while to recall their names; I had referred to them as the Chesterboys for so long. That was a disservice for which I was guilty. I would never do it again. They were Chester Jr., ten; Cameron, nine; and Cory, eight. At least those were their ages last fall. I was also determined to be polite to everyone, even Mother. No matter how they treated me, I would be full of charm and grace. Clarissa deserved no less.

A nuzzle to my ear was followed by a whisper. “Are you awake, love?”

“Yes. Just feeling comfortable in your arms and thinking.”

“Toph?!”

“No, no – nothing like that. I was only planning my day. All good stuff; I promise you it was all positive.”

That was followed by a rare morning lovemaking session. I thought, could this day get any better?

I really worked hard to make myself presentable. Gary shamed me into seeing a barber on Friday, and I spent a long time in front of the mirror, trying to figure what to do with hair that no longer sat on my shoulders. Then came the new clothes. I had just finished perfecting the knot of my tie when Gary appeared with my jacket. He helped me slip it on and even buttoned it for me, turning me with a wolf-whistle.

“Was that a compliment, or were you trying to teach me to fetch?”

He kissed me. “A little of both. You look nice, love. Now let’s get going. You don’t want to be following Clarissa down the aisle, do you?”

I chuckled as we left for downtown and the Cathedral.

“Toph and Gary?” a cute young usher asked, as we approached.

I answered “Yes.”

“I’m Larry, Teddy’s cousin. They want you seated in a special pew.”

We followed him all the way to the front, where he motioned us to the second row. I gave him a questioning look, but he simply smiled in reply. I slid in first, to find myself next to Cory, Chester’s youngest. The three boys, then Mariposa – or whatever her name was – and finally, Chester, filled out the rest of our side of the bench. I noticed Mother and Father squarely in front of me.

Father turned to greet me with a large smile and wink before turning back to face front. Mother never moved a muscle. I leaned over toward my youngest neighbor. He peered up, giving me a wary look.

“Hey, Cory, how have you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

His look turned into a wide smile. “Hi, Unca Toph! I missed you.”

I couldn’t resist, and grabbed his hand. He squeezed mine back and broke into a yet wider smile – and he wouldn’t let go. My other two nephews noticed, and both beamed at me. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I looked behind to see Charles and Anne sliding in, followed by Vivvy and Clarence. Vivvy, my old pal from high school, was immediately behind me and smooched three times on my cheek. Clarence patted my shoulder.

What followed was a lovely wedding, with Clarissa in an understated gown. Teddy was in gray, with his most-handsome, best man in black. Everything was tasteful and unassuming. I’m certain it met with disapproval from Mother, who would have insisting on both dazzling and one-upping her Country Club friends. But she was quiet, sitting with a frozen, but unmenacing half-smile throughout the ceremony.

After the service, the wedding party and both sets of parents were in a line that stretched from the narthex into the vestibule. First were Teddy’s mother and father. I introduced Gary and myself. They were very charming, behaving as though they knew me already. I gave the maid of honor a kiss on the cheek. She looked vaguely familiar. I’m sure I had met her when I was younger. Clarissa crushed me and again thanked me for attending her wedding. Teddy introduced me to his best man who, of course, was Niles.

And then we reached my parents. Father was smiling and comfortable as I introduced Gary. He shook my hand, and that of my partner, both strong and warmly. Mother was proper, barely breaking a smile as I put a small kiss on her icy cheek. Gary shook her hand as she nodded with recognition. And then we were free, joining the crowd in front of the church. Chester Jr. and Cameron were given the task of distributing handfuls of grass seed to be tossed at the newly-married couple as they left. I felt a tug and looked down to discover Cory by my side. I put my left hand in his right. As the newlyweds began to exit the cathedral, I squatted to give Cory some seed to throw, then lifted him in my arms. Clarissa and Teddy ran, under attack from camera flashes and grass seed, to slide into the waiting limo, waving as it drove away.

Before anything more could happen, Gary and I slipped away to drive to the nearby restaurant. The only other time I was in that establishment, I had met his father. It was six months and an entire lifetime ago, or so it seemed.

There were alphabetized cards with table numbers on them. I couldn’t help but notice the placement of the Dennys around the room. Table number eighteen was reserved for Chester’s family, Charles, Anne, Gary and me. That would leave one vacant place. I quickly spotted that both sets of parents were at table number two. From the map display, I could see we were on opposite sides of the room. Teddy was true to his word.

When Chester arrived, I introduced Gary and he introduced his wife to us. Her name was MaryBeth. I almost got it right. I noticed Cory watching closely as Gary and I chose our seats. Of course, he snagged the place immediately to my left, and then gave me a bashful smile. During the meal, I helped him slice his small steak, showing where to exert the pressure. The utensils were enormous in his eight year-old hands, and he had been pressing the handle and not slicing. By the end of the meal, he had mastered that complicated art, hitting me with another bright smile. By that time, I was ready to kidnap my nephew and take him home.

The only other thing of note occurred after the meal when Clarence appeared. He asked Gary and Cory if he could ‘borrow’ me for a few minutes. Out in the hallway, he placed an arm around my shoulder.

“You seem so happy, open and content. I want to apologize again. I wasn’t a good big brother. I’ve been in therapy. I wanted you to know.”

“Therapy because of me?”

“Hehe, no. I’ve discovered you were only part of it. All my drinking and other bad behavior were manifestations of a deep feeling of insecurity. I’m afraid I took some of it out on you, as well as every girlfriend I ever had.”

“Maybe that’s why you had so many?”

“Absolutely! No respectable girl would put up with my crap.”

“Until Vivvy.”

“She’s very smart, Toph. She’ll make a great psychologist. She had me diagnosed and began an unrelenting make-over.”

“You let her?”

“Of course not! I fought her every inch of the way. But she is very tenacious.”

“Yes, that’s my Vivvy. Treat her well, Clarence.”

“I will. Don’t worry about that. I know when I’ve struck gold.”

“Thank you for apologizing again. This year I’ve made some discoveries too. I wasn’t the most well-adjusted teenager either, so we’ll just chalk it all up as learning experiences.”

“Thanks, Toph. Let’s not be strangers.”

I received my first-ever hug from Clarence and he got his first-ever one from me. And so ended the long-dreaded, but ultimately satisfying, wedding. Mother behaved. Was it because of my threat or had she already decided to behave? I knew I’d never know and I knew I didn’t even care. With the confrontation, I got all the hostility out of me and now had a better relationship with most of my family. As a bonus, Chester actually spoke to me. Over the last few hours of the reception, I did not ignore my other two nephews. They seemed to like their new Uncle Toph too, but Cory was special. I wasn’t sure why.

We decided to take Sunday off and not do anything. My mind kept trying to be drawn to J’s story, but I resisted. We spent most of the day vegging out on the sofa, watching baseball on television.

Gary turned to me. “Instead of having my parents here for dinner to celebrate your Abington acceptance, why don’t we invite both sets of parents to, say, Gordon’s for dinner and announce it there?”

“If you had asked me Friday, I would have run from the room, screaming.”

He chuckled. “Surprised by your father?”

“Much more than surprised – he seemed almost human!”

“I got the vibe that he likes you, love. Your mother seemed a little stiff, but not particularly dangerous. I’m sure she’d be on her best behavior in front of Moms anyway.”

“OK, I’ll go with your plan. At the least, it’ll be interesting to watch.”

We finished the weekend with another evening of making love. The next week began with the last three days of July. Monday, I stayed home and completed Naomi’s portrait. I think this was the first work I’d done that completely satisfied me. I decided to present it to her at the TALON meeting in August. Before we left for Gary’s tennis club, I called Oscar.

“When can I come over for a visit and discuss the Texas Boys’ story?”

“Tuesday is good for me. I’ve read everything you left with me.”

“Well, now there’s much more. I want to get this finished and stored into my writing chest before I go away to school.”

“Oh? You’re going away to school?”

Oh shit! I realized – too late – no one knew.

“I’ll tell you about it Tuesday.”

And on Tuesday, the first thing I did was swear him to secrecy. I didn’t want the information getting out and back to either set of parents before the dinner we had planned. Oscar, of course, was thrilled for me.

“I never had a doubt you could do it, Toph.”

“Thanks, Oscar, but I did have doubts. I was sure I screwed up the interview.”

“Well, to your story, the one thing I see that’s troubling is the lack of focus on any one character.”

“I think I’ve addressed that.” I pulled out my outline, with all the small ideas and thoughts written in the margins, together with a few more crucial, fleshed-out chapters. “See here, here and here.” I was pointing to places in the outline. “J has been withdrawing into himself. He simply cannot allow the possibility that he is gay, because of the sexual abuse he received as a child.”

“So this has become J’s story?”

“Yes, it has. It is the story of his Katabasis and subsequent return to life accompanied by his True Love. It was love, itself, which had saved him.”

“It took him one hundred twenty-two days for this journey? So, it’s not the story it seems to be, but is a retelling of mythology.”

“If you analyze it a little, you realize a katabasis is central to most religions and beliefs man has ever had. There may actually be something to it.”

“Where did you go to high school, son?”

“Oscar, I have a Euphoric education.” That created a moment of laughter and love between us.

“Well, I see you have the vision of this story firmly in your mind, and so it is yours. I have no intention of messing it up in any way. Enjoy writing it, but look at your beautiful portrait of those boys from time to time. It will be your ultimate guide.”

Wednesday, the last day of July, found me daydreaming down at the river. I wasn’t there from fear or worry, but out of love. By now, I was totally convinced Gary and I were together for the long haul. We couldn’t get married but there were commitment ceremonies. If I asked him, would my sweetheart make that commitment to me – to us? I was certain he would.

Could I be wrong? Yes, but I didn’t think so.