The Journal of Chris Williams - 12. Journal 12

Journal entry 18:

With everything that’s been going on at Parker Valley, and my admission about how I was the first one Michael tied up and used, all of it’s been building up and I feel like if something doesn’t give soon I might explode. I felt some relief at first getting it out, but since then I’ve been filled with a kind of nervous energy for lack of any better description. It didn’t really help when the doctor put me on a forty-eight hour suicide watch after our last session. I know she wanted to be safe given my previous run in with suicidal thoughts, and I can’t fault her for that. Honestly, it’s probably a good thing she did.

My wolf’s clawing to get out, and he feels as caged in as I do. I’m getting emotional about so many things at the moment I don’t know where to focus. There’s sadness from hearing the names of the people killed in the attack. I knew those people. I grew up with them around. I might not have been friends or even friendly with them, but I knew them. There are also the people kidnapped or listed as missing; it’s the same thing. I knew and saw them at pack meetings and other events. When you include me facing my darkest demons regarding Michael, it seems like I’m drowning. I can see the surface of the water but no matter how hard I struggle, air’s just out of reach. I keep feeling like… I don’t know what I’m feeling like other than I’m restless and as a result my wolf is too.

I know Kyle’s been keeping an extra watchful eye on me the last few days. We hang out after class, go to dinner together, and stuff like that. I’ve tried to put on a happy face, and he finally called me on it. Damn wolf nose gave me away. He could smell I’m not happy or at least not feeling the way I had been before last week. He knows I’m stressing out.

It was cold out, and we had a good bit of snow last night. Kyle wanted to take me to one of his favorite places to think. He hoped it might help me. It’s beside a small lake about a mile from town. The trees are thick enough you can’t see a single building from there, only smoke rising from chimneys. The walk felt good and was relaxing on its own. Standing at the edge of the water and seeing the trees dusted with snow only added to the calmness this place brought me. I had to admit it was beautiful. There’s an old fallen tree that’s somewhat protected from the snow, provided what’s on the trees above doesn’t decide to let go. He guided me to it and motioned for us to sit down.

Kyle didn’t push me to talk. He let me know if I needed him, he was there for me, or we could sit quietly. The choice was mine. After a long silence, I brought up what happened at Parker Valley and the people who died. I also talked about those who were missing. He listened to everything I said like it was the most important thing in the world. When I stopped talking, more to gather my thoughts than anything, he said he thought I was holding something back. I nodded and began talking about Aiden and our years of disliking each other. All the fights we’d had and how I’d come to realize the type of person he was. I mentioned how he was one of the missing. I also brought up Ethan and what we had done to him. How his only crime was being Aiden’s mate. I told him what Mom passed on about people sitting with him said all he did was stare out the window. He never moved, wouldn’t eat, and didn’t talk. The hauntingly hollow expression on his face never changed. Mom didn’t know how it would affect me when she told me, but she thought it was important I knew. It brings into perspective what I almost did to him. This was the person I was going to murder. Remorse over what I planned to do to him doesn’t cover whatever I’m feeling. I want to reach out to him and offer comfort, but I have no right to because of what that guy from the bridge who looks just like me planned to do.

Kyle sat in silence when I finished telling him what was bothering me. All he did was place a hand on my shoulder. I had to admit I felt a little better. This wasn’t like talking with the doctor. She listens and we discuss things. I’ve told her how I was feeling about all this stuff and we tried to work through it. Talking with Kyle was different. There was no discussion about different aspects of it, no answers or suggestions on how to deal with it. With him, it was simply talking to a friend who offered his shoulder for me to cry on.

After we’d sat in relative silence for a while, I mentioned we should probably be getting back. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it out there, but being out of sight of town was making my wolf even more restless. Kyle watched me and seemed to peer directly into my eyes as if searching for something. He pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly typed out a message before putting it away. He said something about giving it another few minutes and to try and enjoy the peace of this spot.

We remained for another ten minutes with him pointing out different things you could see from our location when his phone buzzed. He checked the message and grinned. When it buzzed a second time, his smile grew large. Another couple of minutes passed, and I could see a group of six guys walking in our direction. When they got close enough to make out their faces, I saw Corey was with them. Kyle greeted them all and introduced me to everyone saying it wasn’t important if I remembered names, that would come in time.

The guys all stripped and stuffed their clothes into bags before putting them behind the log we’d been sitting on. I shook my head and reminded Kyle I needed permission from the alpha to shift. He smiled and held up his phone with the message from the pack leader saying it was approved. Giving me a dopy grin, he told me we were going on a run whether I wanted to or not. Corey shoulder bumped me saying I needed the support of a group today, and this was my pack. As the other guys were playing nearby, Kyle told me to strip and shift. He and Corey would sit with me until I recovered. I finally nodded, took off my clothes, and put them in the bag I was handed.

Just like the other times I’d shifted with the ankle monitor on, it was excruciatingly painful. I heard Kyle and Corey angrily discussing the needed to get that thing removed since it amounted to torture. I shook my head no and whined I would deal with it as long as required. I did my best to remain quiet, but a few whimpers and yelps of pain escaped. I was having trouble breathing. The other guys who had already shifted came running when they heard me, and all gathered around knowing something was wrong. I didn’t want them to see me like that. Kyle and Corey, still in their human form, brushed their hands over my face, back, and chest to try and soothe the pain. Kyle mentioned to the others my shifts were difficult because I wore an ankle monitor, and it took a while to get past the pain. A couple of the others laid with me and rested their heads on my body to keep me warm and safe while Kyle continued to talk. It was one big ball of fur as I panted through the pain.

When I’d recovered enough to stand, both Kyle and Corey finally stripped and shifted. Corey looked me in the eyes, making sure I really was okay before Kyle did the same thing. The other guys brushed against me as if we were old friends. Our scents mingled as one group. For a moment, I wondered if that’s what I’d had given up by being friends with a monster. Is this what having friends was really like? Those thoughts quickly faded as one of the others gave a howl and we took off into the trees.

It wasn’t a fast run, just a nice leisurely pace through the forest. Sometimes, different guys would be beside me, and other times we were in single file. As we ran, I was always in the middle. I heard one of them woof out it was because I didn’t know the area. Another barked it was also so the newest pack member wasn’t last. We took a short stop after a couple miles to enjoy the view. When we began moving again, it was at a nice gentle walk for a little while. We continually gained altitude as we climbed the side of Mount Hood. There was light conversation, and I could tell from the woofs and growls that most of these guys were real jokers.

Before long, we hit the tree line and faced an expanse of snow and earth. The texture of the ground changed under my paws, and it took a little while to get used to the feeling. One of the guys mentioned it was the volcanic soil and rock of the mountain. Below the tree line, it felt more natural to me. It was my first time running on this type of surface. It didn’t feel bad at all, just different. The conversation continued and one of the guys growled I was staying too quiet. I mentioned anytime I used to run, no one ever talked so I wasn’t used to it. Truth is only Michael was allowed to talk on those runs when he gave orders. Kyle gave a happy woof and said this group never shuts up so I’d have to learn to deal with a vocal pack.

We finally made it a good ways up the mountain and got to the base of what they said was the Zigzag Glacier. With snow all around, you couldn’t really tell, or I couldn’t, but I had no reason to doubt them. We were standing around when one of the guys, apparently the biggest joker of the group, sprinted from a little above us. He dove onto his stomach as he neared and slid under my legs, knocking me down before he plowed into a couple of the others. He was rolling around, laughing when he came to a stop and grinned innocently at us. “It’s snow. We’re supposed to be playing in it, aren’t we?” The rest of the guys he knocked down gave chase. I was still laughing before I finally got in on it. We ran around for a while, playing like pups. One person would start chasing another before others would get in on it. They taught me how to belly slide without hurting… umm, my sheath. It was something I’d never done before. We played in the snow drifts, plowing into them and coming up looking like snow wolves. One of the guys said if it wouldn’t get us into trouble, it would be fun to play on the nearby ski slopes.

After a couple of hours on the mountain, we headed back to where our clothes were. All told it was probably a ten or twelve mile run. But just like with Kyle and Corey at the lookout station, this was the best time I’d had in my life. It was nothing more than a group of friends having fun, and they made sure I knew all throughout the afternoon we were all friends.

When we got back to where our clothes were stashed, Corey shifted and quickly dressed before laying out a blanket and telling me to lie on it while I shifted. The slow process of me holding back took its toll. I was surrounded by fur on all sides, keeping me warm and trying to comfort me until my breathing was under control again. Every one of them was in contact with me in some way with Corey’s human hand brushing my head. Kyle was near my face and licked me once when he knew I was alright. When I recovered enough to be able to stand and get dressed, the wolves moved away. I instantly missed that warm feeling from having them all so close. Two playfully pushed their cold noses against me, taking in my scent before I blushed and pushed them away. I love the sound of a wolf laughing.

Once we were dressed, I thanked them for the run and playing on the mountain. I mentioned how I’d dreamed of that since I arrived. I also thanked them for keeping me warm through my shift. They brushed if off like it was no big deal. It made me feel happy when I was told I could run with them anytime. They reminded me every wolf needs friends in his pack. Besides, I was apparently fun to have around.

As we walked back to town, I was told we’d be going for a lot more runs once the alpha let me off restriction. One of the guys pulled me aside, even though the rest could hear our conversation. He wanted to say he thought it was cool I owned up to whatever it was I did at my old pack and accepted the punishment I was given. Also a lot of people saw I was working hard to change who I was. He surprised me with a bro-hug. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always around to help. You’re my friend and pack mate.”

Kyle asked if I was feeling any better about what we talked about earlier. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m feeling better about a lot of things thanks to you.” I’m not used to bro-hugs, but I seemed to be getting a lot of them lately. The sadness and guilt I felt over what I’d done to Ethan and Aiden was still there. I wished I could do something to help them like the people here are helping me. Maybe someday I’d be able to properly apologize for the things I did. Kyle reminded me my guilt was there to make me remember I’m not the person who left Parker Valley. He said he’d never met the guy I told him about.

The more time I spend here in Columbia River, the more I learn what a home, and more specifically what a pack, feels like.