The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 36. The Price of Fame

---Teddy---

There are moments in life that take your breath way. Moments you know you’ll always remember. Moment’s that you’ll always cherish. Standing up on that stage with Messiah, well I know nothing in my life could ever top it. And as sad as it was for me to hear my boyfriend talk about taking his own life. About being so sad that he saw no other way out. Well when I look out at all those young teens in the crowd, I couldn’t be more proud of the icon he was becoming. If he could get through to just one of them, well every second of being apart will have been worth it.

As the song ended Ryder gave me one last hug and let me go off the stage. Yet before I could make it Brandon grabbed onto my arm and pulled me in close. “Thank you,” he let out not knowing what else to say. “You, you could’ve been like all the other douchebags at school, but you took a chance on an outcast. You pulled him off the ledge.”

“I did what I always should’ve done.” I confessed returning the hug. “I’m not a hero for that.”

“You’re a good man Teddy Haner.” He nodded, watching me walk off stage.

As I returned to my seat my dad grabbed onto both my shoulders and gave me a good shake. “I’m so proud of you.” He let out, echoing the words Brandon had said. But just like I told Brandon, I’m not a hero for talking to another human being. If I’ve learned anything this summer it’s to open my damn eyes at school. We nearly lost one student. I won’t let it happen again.

The rest of the concert seemed to fly by. Ryder jumped around singing his heart out as smoke and fire shot behind him. He was born to be up on that stage. Born to be out there with those people, and I don’t think there was ever a second they let him forget it. It’s so crazy to me, that people could memorize and cherish a three week album the way they did Broken Home, and yet they knew all the lyrics and reflected them back at him perfectly.

As their encore came to a finish the crowd screamed for more but it was clear they were running on E. “We’re Messiah from Ridgefield, New Jersey, and we will be back.” Final streamers shot off into the crowd as Ryder finished his words and headed off stage.

“So you want to,” My dad began, but before he could finish his sentence I jumped to my feet and into the nearby door.

My legs couldn’t seem to carry me fast enough, but the second I saw Ryder backstage I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry,” I let out as emotions surfaced from all over my body. “I’m sorry I ignored you in middle school. I’m sorry I ignored you in high school. I’m sorry you wanted to kill yourself. I’m sorry I let it get that bad. I’m sorry,”

“Teddy,” He softly smiled, pulling me in close. “What do I always tell you?”

“That you don’t need me to feel bad for you.” I exhaled, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Exactly.” He nodded as his smile grew. “You’re here with me now, and that’s all that matters.”

He let go of me as he saw my dad approach and nervously walked up to him. “So, um, what did you think?”

“What did I think?” My dad repeated as Ryder anxiously nodded his head. “I haven’t seen anything like that in my life. So raw, so angry, and yet so full of life. It, the way you connected with that crowd, the way you pulled them into your world. I’ve never been to any concert like this one.” The smile from Ryder’s face went ear to ear as my father pulled him in for a hug. “I’m so proud of you kid.”

As Ryder broke away from my dad and returned to my side I couldn’t help but giggle at the make up on his face. “So what’s with all the black?”

“I needed something to help make me pop, and I remember seeing it a few times in music but never consistently.” He shrugged. “And then your eye black kind of looked like it back when you got in a fight, and well, I knew I had to do it.” I let out a sigh and shook my head. “You were fighting for what you thought was right, and then later that day you fought for our relationship.” He shrugged. “If I want that crowd to take away anything it’s to fight like hell. And that-that’s what I always took away from you.”

I couldn’t help but hug him as he once more found the perfect words to say. He’s one big cliché corny sap, but that’s what I love about him. “Alright guys.” Brandon let out, jumping onto a nearby equipment case. “First round of shots is on me! Let’s drink Atlanta dry!” As he hopped down he walked up to the two of us and grabbed our shoulders. “Let’s get to it!” He encouraged. “I can’t wait to see Teddy cut loose!”

“Brandon,” Ryder sighed.

“No, it’s cool.” I shrugged with a smile. “Let’s go out.”

Ryder turned to me and shot me a serious look trying to get me back on his side. “I’m tired and I haven’t seen Teddy in forever. You know if I go out I’m just gonna wind up passing out in a booth halfway through.”

“Fine, fine,” Brandon let out, reading between the lines. “I’ll see you on the bus tomorrow.”

Ryder nodded his head as Brandon moved on to rallying everyone else up. “I don’t know about you,” Ryder smiled. “But all I want to do is go back to the hotel, order room service, and watch T.V.”

“You’re the most boring rock star ever.” I teased in a laugh. “But wherever you are tonight I’ll follow.”

Ryder nodded his head, and just like that we were back in the Mercedes on the way back to our hotel. “Watch this.” Ryder giggled, rolling down his window as we stopped at a red light. “Hey! Who was playing tonight?” He asked to a crowd waiting at a nearby bus stop.

“I Prevail and Messiah.” One of them answered as a few others rolled their eyes and ignored the car.

“Oh they’re both shit.” Ryder responded, still keeping his face hidden. “Bunch of posers wearing make-up.” The crowd grew angry at his words but before they could do anything he stuck his head out fully. “Crowd was good looking tonight though!”

They all began to scream as they saw who was taunting them. “RYDER!” Oh of them shouted as they desperately took out their phones, trying their hardest to document the moment.

“I love you guys.” Ryder let out, throwing up his pinky and index finger again. “I’ll see you again come summer!”

Their screaming faded off as the light turned green and the car took off. “You really have to do that every time we see a crowd sir?” Scottie let out, shaking his head.

“Yup!” Ryder giggled, looking back at the group of people.

“What is this?” I asked, repeating the hand sign he had made.

“Horns?” he shook his head, realizing the question was serious. “You’ve totally seen people do it before!”

“I have, but I don’t get it.” I pressured, trying to understand the sign that constantly got thrown around at the concerts I had been to.

“Harry,” Ryder began but turned around to see my dad fast asleep in the far back seat. “Alright, it was started in the eighties by Dio. He was one of the best singers ever.” He thought over, trying to give me the cliff notes of it. “It’s just become the symbol of rock and roll. I don’t know how else to explain it.” He shrugged.

“It’s alright, I get it.” I smiled seeing my dad finally wake back up behind us.

“Alright Scottie.” Ryder nodded as we pulled in front of the hotel. “You can take the rest of the night off, we’re just going to be hanging out in the room.”

“If you change your mind I’ll be around.” The big man let out as we climbed out of the big car. “Other than that the bus will be here tomorrow morning at ten thirty. Be packed and ready, you have a show in Knoxville tomorrow night.”

“I know. I know.” Ryder dismissed, trying his hardest not to think about it. Scottie gave a goodbye wave as Ryder quickly shut the door behind him.

“Body guards.” I teased as we walked into the hotel lobby. “They’re just the worst aren’t they?” Ryder’s face stayed the same as he thought about his next city. My dad gave us both pats on the back, but as he saw the conversation growing serious walked past us and to the nearby elevator. “You’ll be in New Jersey next weekend for homecoming. You’ll be sleeping in your own bed and eating your grandma’s food. Don’t even worry about this week.” Ryder nodded his head, but I could tell some homesickness was starting to get to him.

I went to say something else but before I could I pointed to the big T.V. above the front desk. “Passionate speech from Messiah Frontman Ryder Sullivan during tonight’s Atlanta show.” The closed captions read as a grainy cellphone video of his speech began to play.

“Can you turn it up?” Ryder quickly asked the front desk. The attendant went to blow him off but as soon as he connected the face from the video to the face in front of him he nodded and fulfilled Ryder’s request.

The video cut out as Ryder kissed me and zoomed out to three different analysts.

“So,” The middle news anchor began. “Clearly there’s a good message in there, and hopefully all the young fans in the crowd listened to it, but did he mucky it up by making it a statement about his sexuality?”

“No, not at all.” The one on the left answered. “The idea that because he’s gay that takes away from his message on mental health makes zero sense. In fact, he didn’t even talk about being gay. He simply brought up his boyfriend who he credits with saving his life. The whole point of his speech was to find someone or something that you love, and hold onto it. It’s that life is worth living. That’s something I don’t think we hear enough in today’s society.”

“Okay,” The analyst on the right started. “No one’s saying because he’s gay that takes away from the message. But did he really need to bring his boyfriend on stage? Did he really have to kiss him in front of hundreds of impressionable teens? Look, he seems like a good kid, but he clearly has growing up to do. There’s a line between giving a strong message and flaunting your sexuality in,”

“Come on.” I rolled my eyes grabbing Ryder’s arm and pulling him towards the elevator. “Don’t worry about what people say. You did the right thing.”

“I know I did.” Ryder nodded his head. “I just wish I could go into that broadcast and smack some sense into that guy. I’ve seen plenty of straight men kissing their girlfriends in public and up on stage. I have an interview coming up next week, and I swear,”

“Ryder,” I interrupted in a sigh. “They want you to blow up at them. They want you to look like a loose cannon. Stick to your guns, but don’t let them make a fool out of you.” He exhaled a deep breath but nodded his head.

That night was picture perfect. I know it sounds boring to most people, but sitting in bed and talking to him all night. It was just what the doctor had ordered for us. I swear I could spend all of eternity listening to him talk. He told me stories of the different cities he had seen and all the crowds he sung to. Hell, he was even the one that came up with Messiah’s opening and stage presence. He said the second they got the main spot he went into overdrive working to get the light show perfected.

As the sun rose and morning came I couldn’t help but feel that same layer of loneliness hit me. “One week.” Ryder nodded, standing outside of his tour bus. “I’m flying in late Friday night, and I’ll be there to see you Saturday at the football game. I swear I will.”

“I know.” I nodded, trying my hardest not to show the pain beating in my heart. “It’ll go by fast.”

“It’s okay to be sad.” He let out, pulling me in close. “I know I am.” I nodded my head and let him hold me for a few more seconds but as the tour bus horn sounded I knew it was time to go. “I love you.”

My dad tried his hardest to comfort me on the flight home, but just like on the way there I needed some time for myself. Time to think it all over. My mom and Mrs. Sullivan were thrilled to hear every story I had to share, and look at all the pictures I had taken. They were all so proud of him, so excited for everything he was accomplishing. Seeing their misty eyes reminded me how lucky I was to go see him, and how grateful I should be for the time I spent with him.

As I posted pictures with him on social media I saw my follower count skyrocket. Suddenly everyone and their mother wanted to be friends with Ryder’s boyfriend. To learn anything they could about him. Ryder teased me about ‘riding his success’ but my numbers never got close to his. His Instagram boasted close to a million followers, and yet all he had was one picture. One of him and me from our trip to Point Pleasant, the caption “The only rock in my ocean of insecurity”.

Yet Instagram still didn’t compare to school. Monday morning was full of everyone asking me about his Atlanta show. Desperately wanting to know what it was like, and if he was making it to homecoming. I saw some dismissive stares when I said yes, not believing he would fly home for it, for me. But it didn’t bother me. They don’t know my boyfriend. They never did.

And an interview for a local news outlet in Tennessee made that clear to everyone. When Blake texted me that an interview of Ryder had gone viral I assumed it was him talking about his mental health, or him freaking out at an anti-gay news anchor. Yet, as I watched the video I couldn’t help but be left with my jaw open.

“I have to say, I don’t think I’ve seen a rock star blow up like you have since I was a girl.” The news anchor teased, causing a small smile to spread on Ryder’s face. “What do you attribute that to?”

“I think people are angry.” Ryder shrugged. “The worlds always been a scary and violent place, but now we have the media pushing it in our faces at all hours. You turn on the news and you see bodies burning in the streets, or bombs blowing up churches. They cram anger and brutality into our minds,” Ryder swayed his head. “And a lot of people don’t know how to deal with that. They push it down and pretend it isn’t there, but me and the guys, we give them an outlet for that. We help them get rid of it.”

“Wise words from someone your age.” She nodded, causing Ryder to slightly cringe. “And yet you’ve already had your fair share of controversies.”

“I wouldn’t call them controversies.” Ryder shook his head, starting to grow serious.

“I understand you may see them differently, but your actions have certainly stirred the pot to a degree.” As he heard her words Ryder turned his head slightly and began to stare her down. “Whether we like it or not sexuality is still a hot button issue in this country, and it’s not something you shy away from. From the pride flag you hang at most of your shows to bringing your boyfriend on stage in Atlanta.”

“Why would it be? It’s a big part of who I am. It’s not controversial for me to show that I’m proud of my sexuality.” I felt a smile cross my face as he used the same firey tone with her as he did with Mike. “My whole life people have been trying to repress it, trying to shame me for it, but now things are different. Messiah is my platform. The concerts we put on are our chance to vocalize our beliefs without anyone making us feel bad for them. Music’s always been that way. If you don’t like it. Don’t listen to it.”

“I can understand that,” The reporter nodded. “But aren’t you crossing a line when you add a bonus song whose title is a slur?”

“Not at all.” Ryder shook his head. “My boyfriend didn’t like it either, but having faget on that album. Having a word that,”

“I’m sorry,” She interrupted. I felt the smile fall from my face, knowing what was coming next. “We’re going to have to ask you to not repeat that word.”

“Faggot?” Ryder repeated as the woman winced. “Are you guys kidding me?”

“It’s just, it could offend certain viewers at home.” The woman shook her head.

“Give me a break!” He shouted, giving into his anger.

She let out a deep breath, and for a second I thought would cut it, but sat up straight as she realized what a big break this could be for her. “You must see where we’re coming from. I mean isn’t it a little hypocritical for you to be using a slur like that while talking about how proud of your sexuality you are.”

“Hypocritical?” He repeated, starting to raise his voice. “Hypocritical! I’ll tell you what’s hypocritical. You silencing me while I’m trying to give kids strength in that word, but no one, and I mean no one, silencing the kids that called me it in the hallway of my high school.” I took a breath as he clutched his fingers in anger. “Teachers, counselors, principals, they all heard me get called faggot and not once was anyone silenced! Then here I am, trying to let kids know that there’s pride in being a faggot. To wear that word like a badge of honor no matter how much it may hurt. To rip that word away from the god damn bullies and take a stand for yourself! But you guys are too fucking close minded to let me say it?”

“Look Ryder,” The reporter began, clearly in over her head.

“No fuck this!” Ryder shouted, standing up and ripping his mic off. “I’m done!”

When I was finally able to shut my jaw I felt a smile take its place. As much as I disagree with him, as much as I hate that word, I’m glad he pointed out the hypocrisy. I’m proud he gave her a piece of his mind. I’m glad he let people know how much that word was used against him, and how no one tried to stop it. I’m glad that when people tried to turn a blind eye to what a fucked up world we live in, he forced them to look right back at the issue.

In the coming days there was a lot of fallout from that interview. People fueling both sides of the argument. Some said he was out of control and immature, while other’s said he gave voice to a silent minority that’s had enough with being oppressed. We had a few laughs over the phone about it, but at the end of the day I made sure he knew how proud I was of him. Three months ago he would’ve crumbled at any chance of confrontation, but now, now he’s carrying the pride flag high and fighting for what he believes.

I wish I could say the smiles and laughter lasted long, but as Friday rolled around things slowly began crashing down.

“Teddy,” I heard a low voice speak as I picked up the phone.

“Hey Ryder.” I couldn’t help but smile, standing up from the Friday night dinner table and quickly rushing up to my room. “You on your way to the airport or something?”

“No, I go on in like thirty,” He let out but I could tell he was holding something back. “My, um, my flight got delayed.” He softly let out.

“Until when?” I asked, feeling my heart begin to freeze.

“Two in the morning.” He groaned. “It’s raining pretty bad here,”

“That’s okay.” I interrupted, taking a deep breath. “Don’t even worry about it. Worst case you sleep in and skip out on the football game. I don’t even like football to be honest.”

“I don’t think you understand.” He forced out. “There’s no guarantee the plane takes off tonight. I, the storms not supposed to blow over until tomorrow morning, and I, I don’t know if I’ll make it.” A soft oh escaped my lips as I felt my heart begin to break. “I’m so sorry Teddy, I’m going to make it up to you, I swear,”

“It’s okay.” I shook my head, trying my hardest to hide it all. “I mean, there’s still a chance right?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, trying to go along with it, but he knew it was a small chance, we both did.

“I can’t believe you go on in front of three thousand people in twenty minutes, and you’re here on the phone, apologizing to me.” I shook my head, realizing how lucky I actually was.

A sigh escaped his lips showing his focus was still on the flight. “You’re the only thing that matters.” He explained as a smile grew on my face. “And I just, I can’t get the idea that I might not see you this weekend out of my head. It’s-it was the only thing getting me through this week.”

“I know.” I nodded, reminding myself he’s just as vulnerable as me. “Me too, but this is just a small set back. The worlds not over. Worst comes to worst I’ll see you in two weeks. That’s not so long.”

“No.” he supported, trying to muster up some strength. “I’m sorry, I have to go, but I-I’m sorry and I love you.”

“I love you too.” I let out, but before I could say anything else the call disconnected.

I quickly ran over and locked my door as tears began to fall. I tried my hardest to stop them. To calm them down. To not be that psychopath boyfriend that gets hung up on every single word. But I’ve been dreaming of senior year homecoming for three years now. Dreaming of the suit I’ll wear, and the guy I’ll get to take. Even worse I finally got that guy who surpassed my expectations , who took my dreams and ran with them, but now, now he’s states away with next to no chance of making it to New Jersey.

I don’t know when but at some point I wound up crying myself to sleep. I just couldn’t help it. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get a handle over my emotions. When I woke up and checked my phone the tears only seemed to roll in faster. “Flight cancelled. Can’t make it. Will call you later.” Was all he wrote. I tried my hardest to reach him but he didn’t pick up any of the calls. Instead they all went to voice mail.

“Teddy?” My mom asked, slowly opening my door. “Is everything okay?” She quietly asked, no doubt hearing my silent cries from the hall.

“No,” I shook my head. “It’s not. Ryder’s flight got cancelled, and he can’t make it to homecoming.”

She let out a deep sigh and took a seat next to me on the bed. “I’m so sorry.” She tried to comfort, beginning to rub my back. “But he tried his hardest. I promise you he did.

“I know.” I shook my head. “But I, I just want to be like every other couple. I just want to be able to go see him when I want, and to just go to the movies every Friday. I, this distance is killing me inside.” I shook my head.

“I know it is.” She exhaled, taking a long look at me. “But you have to ask yourself. Is the distance worth keeping him?” I quickly nodded my head, not even being able to consider losing him. “Then there you have it. Sure. This might not be normal, but at the end of the day, do you want to be normal?”

“No, normals boring” I shook my head once more as the tears began to slow. “I’m just, just, sad.”

“I know you are.” She supported. “But it will pass, and right now you have a responsibility as school president to clean yourself up and go to the game. Can you handle that?”

“Yeah.” I slowly nodded my head as she pulled me in close. “I love you.”

“I love you too Teddy.” She smiled, holding me tightly. “Now straighten yourself up and go have fun with your friends. I know it’s hard not having him here, but that doesn’t mean your life has to stop.”

Those words were easier said than done, and as I found myself in the student section next to Blake and Liz I tried my hardest to be strong, but my mind couldn’t stop thinking of Ryder. Liz even had to take away my phone to get me to stop checking it! Why hasn’t he called? Why hasn’t he texted? He said we’d talk, and yet he’s gone silent! Why?

As halftime rolled around the field workers began to roll mic stands and a drum kit onto the field, drawing groans from the crowd. “Oh god.” Blake sighed. “Please don’t tell me we’re getting another surprise band like last year.”

“What were they called?” Liz laughed, recalling the moment.

“Who knows?” Blake shook his head. “But they had a song about recycling that still haunts me to this day.”

The principle waived off the crowd’s cries as he took to the front mic. “So since last year’s halftime was such a success,”

“It was a fucking disaster!” Someone shouted from the horde.

“We decided to repeat it this year.” The principal continued, ignoring the interruption. “Except this time we have some of Hudson’s own talent.”

“Oh Jesus.” I shook my head. “As if today wasn’t bad enough already, let’s just go ahead and let the band geeks give us all headaches!” I grumbled.

“Teddy!” Liz reprimanded, staring me down in surprise.

“Although it’s hard to call him Hudson talent when he doesn’t really go here anymore.” My heart froze as I heard those words. I tried my hardest not to let my hopes get unrealistic but I couldn’t help move to the edge of my seat. “Without further ado, I’m proud to give you rock’s newest band, fronted by our very own Ryder Sullivan, Messiah.”

I nearly passed out in my seat as I saw Ryder and the guys quickly run from the side of the bleachers out to center field. “What the fuck is up Hudson?” Ryder shouted, finally reaching the mic. The crowd seemed to go ballistic at the sight. Police and security swarmed from all over, quickly forming a circle around the young band. “Oh they told me not to curse.” Ryder giggled looking over to Brandon. “Sorry, force of habit. Anyway, this first one goes out to my boyfriend. Maybe some of you know him. Teddy,” he continued, scanning the crowd. “Wherever you are, I love you. This one’s Surrender.”

Everyone seemed to lose their mind as the song blared over the amps. Imagine that, Ryder Sullivan back at Hudson to play the homecoming halftime. If I told him that at the start of the summer he’d puke from disgust. Hell! If I told him that last weekend he’d puke from disgust! But he’s down there giving it his all just like every other time he performs. He bit the bullet and is putting on a show for everyone here.

“Alright,” Ryder shook his head as the song came to an end. “Now we only have time for one more song, but before I can get into it I need to ask a favor from you guys. When this song ends I’m going to join my boyfriend up in the crowd, and tonight I’m going to the dance with him.” A few happy tears began to flow from my face as I heard his words. “And its super cool that you guys are into my band, but please please don’t ask me for pictures or autographs. We’ll set up something like that another day, but for now, treat me like you guys have for the past three years. Except for all the name calling that is, let’s leave that out.” He smiled, nodding to Tommy as their last song began to play.

It was surreal seeing all the kids that once hated him scream to him in awe. A kid they once pushed to the brink of suicide was now someone they all worshiped. Someone they wanted to know. I know Ryder. I know he hasn’t forgotten that, and I know he hasn’t forgiven them either. But he’s putting on a happy face and doing it anyway. Doing it to show that they were all wrong, and to show the other victims in the crowd they could make it too. But most importantly doing it because he knows how important it is to me.

“Alright,” Ryder exhaled, as they wrapped up their short set. “Before I come sit next to Teddy I need one last favor. I need you guys to look around at one another, and I want you to remember that almost every last one of you called me loser, faggot and school shooter.” The crowd grew quiet as they all froze in guilt. “I don’t want apologizes.” He quickly clarified before anyone could say anything. “What I want is for things to change around here. I want you to see everyone else here and realize that no one is any of those things. We’re all in the same boat. We’re just trying to find who we are.” He shook his head. “So starting Monday morning, you guys stand up for one another. Make Hudson a better place, a place I can finally be proud of. ”

He held up the horns before walking off as the crowd began to cheer for him once more. Blake slowly began to shake me as I sat there speechless. Did he really just say that? Did he really just forgive Hudson? Before I knew it the aisle next to me began to clear out as a slim figure in black made his way up the stairs.

“Excuse me. Is this seat taken?” He teased, finally finding me in the crowd of people.

“I-I,” I let out, still not able to find words.

“Fine be weird about it.” He giggled, sitting down and wrapping an arm around me. “I told you I’d find a way to make it to homecoming.” My head immediately fell into his chest as my mind struggled to put the pieces together.

“How?” I finally forced out as a few more happy tears fell from my eyes.

“Don’t be mad,” He laughed with a mischievous grin. “my flight was never cancelled. The storm cleared and the delay took off like planned. I got home at like five, texted you it was cancelled and immediately passed out. Then I woke up and drove here with the guys.”

“You-you asshole!” I shook my head, still holding him tightly. “That was so mean!”

“I wanted to be the one to surprise you for once!” He smiled, as his head rested against mine. “Besides you started it with that whole fake angry stunt you pulled in Atlanta!”

“That’s not even close to the same thing!” I yelped, finally easing into the moment. “I was being playful, you’re being evil!”

“Yeah, well it was worth it to see the look on your face.” He giggled, slowly rubbing my back. “I would’ve rented a private jet and flown it here myself if I had to.” He began, starting to grow serious. “No little thunder storm was getting in my way.”

I nodded and let the weight of my body fall into him as the game started up again once more. I can’t describe how perfect having him here with me is. It’s every picture perfect dream come true! It’s Christmas morning as a kid times ten! It was, it’s, it’s Ryder surprising me at homecoming. And that’s better than everything in this world put together.