Denied - 23. Chapter 23

Captain’s words echoed in my head the entire way back to the ship. How could he feel that way about me? How could he know that I wasn’t going to turn on the crew and betray them when I didn’t know it myself? I didn’t think there was someone out there controlling me through whatever they did in my head, but would I know it?

At least he planned to have Lakshou with me. Surely Lakshou would feel it if something inside me switched off and I began to follow someone’s orders. Because that is the only way I’d hurt the people who’d helped rescue me from my cell and the many years of isolation and torture.

“Are you okay?” Lakshou asked quietly.

I shook my head. “I don’t think there’s any way to be okay with what happened today.” The shuttle docked on the ship. A two-toned buzz let us know we could remove our restraints once the rest of the shuttles docked and the airlocks were closed. I was cold, shivering in my slightly damp clothes. They had mostly dried in the time it took the shuttles to restock for the ship’s supplies, but they were chafing me in uncomfortable places. I said goodbye to Lakshou and hurried to my quarters.

Locked in the silence and privacy of my quarters, I cleaned up and changed. My insides were buzzing, and eating didn’t calm me down. I couldn’t bear the idea of laying down, and the vid couldn’t hold my attention. I decided to see if Luca was working and if he needed any help.

When my door shut behind me, I hesitated, looking down the corridor. I could go ask Luca if he needed anything… or I could do what I really wanted to do.

Taking a deep breath, and gathering my courage, I turned left instead of right and headed toward the door down the corridor from mine.

“Hello, Kohne.” Captain seemed surprised to see me at his door, even if his quarters were right next to mine. We didn’t run into each other that often, and he didn’t stop to talk to me randomly. And I’d never gone to him before. “Do you need something?”

“Captain. I… I don’t know why I’m here.” Now that I was there, at his door, I couldn’t put into words the feelings inside me. Feelings that had surged forward when he came to rescue us on the planet, when he stood so close to me, looking into my eyes, and saying those things.

Like I was good. Like I was worth more than a person to use and throw away.

“Do you need something?” he asked again. “Come in, talk to me.” He led the way to the seating area, sitting on the edge of the couch and leaving the rest for me. I sat down, not on the far end but not touching him either.

His quarters smelled like him, but faint. I wanted to lean closer, smell him better. I closed my eyes. That was probably totally gross. Wrong. “I-I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry, Captain.” I tried to jump up, but he reached over and put a hand on my leg.

“Believe it or not, I have a name, you know. You always call me captain, but you’re not one of my crew. You can use my name.”

The warmth of his palm branded me where he’d touched my leg. It was even better than before, when I’d had that damn suit on. “But that is who you are. You’re the captain.” He was the one in charge, the one who saved me. It seemed wrong to use anything less for him. There was some sort of disconnect in my mind, and even though I’d heard him addressed by his name several times, I didn’t even dare think of him that way.

“Call me Querry. Or Everett.”

“But….” I couldn’t think of another reason not to do what he said. It felt intimate, close. Which is exactly what I wanted. I was practically vibrating with a nameless need, and I’d felt almost pulled to his door. Something inside me needed to be close to him. I closed my eyes and made an inarticulate sound of utter frustration.

“Kohen? What’s wrong?” Captain scooted closer and grabbed both of shoulders, turning me toward him. “Did you get hurt on the planet? Did you get stung or something?” He ran a hand up my neck, and then both of them down my arms.

“No,” I said in a strangled breath. He was touching me. “I’m not hurt.” One part of me was hurting. I was swamped by desire for Captain, and I had no idea what to do about it. The memories I had, the ones that I thought were just tests, sickened me, but… maybe….

I took a chance, because I had to be close to him. I needed his arms around me again, this time where I could feel it, and him, without the pain. I needed his scent on my skin, and mine on his. I turned and swung one leg over his lap, kneeling over him on the couch, and then I wrapped my arms around him, one arm under his shoulders and the other over, linking my hands together. Overwhelmed, uncertain, I buried my face against his neck. “Please.”

The small touches from Lakshou and Aparoe, the casual brushing against the crew as they walked through the corridor, the claps on my shoulder and pats on my arm from Luca and Priella had gotten me accustomed enough to casual contact that I didn’t shy away in fear of pain anymore, but nothing prepared me for this.

His skin was warm and soft and scented with that spice that made my head spin. For a long, torturous moment, Captain’s body was rigid against mine and then he softened. His arms came up around my back and he began to rub them up and down my spine.