Noah and Jordan - 25. Chapter Twenty-Five

*** JORDAN ***

Winter has this unique beauty. A blanket of fresh, fluffy, white snow has covered the ground below my feet. The ice-covered tree branches are glistening as they gently sway in the chilly wind. The sky is a brilliant mirage of vibrant colours: blue, yellow, orange, and pink. In the distance, perfectly framed in the centre by trees on both sides, the sun is setting on the horizon. This is the definition of picturesque.

We walk, hand-in-hand, through the snow, creating a trail of footprints behind us. We’re laughing, at what, I don’t know. In this atmosphere you have to feel content; you have to feel, well, simply alive.

“It really is beautiful,” I say to Noah. “I’m glad we came.”

“Me too.”

Noah and I are far away from home. We decided to leave the city for a weekend and drive north. Jenn’s friend has a winterized cottage. She comes up once a year with Noah. This year Aiden and I tagged along too. Those two are still getting settled in, so Noah and I decided to take a short walk. And as we walk, a few people come into view; I think they might be the neighbours. Noah starts to move his hand away, but I hold on tighter.

“They’ll see us,” Noah mutters under his breath.

“It’s okay. We’re out of town. They don’t know who we are.”

“We’re not in the city, Jordan. And I don’t want any trouble again.”

That’s true. We are in a rural area. Who knows, they might not like that we’re gay. Not that everyone in the city approves.

I sigh and let go of his hand. We had been making progress. In the weeks after Valentine’s Day, Noah was starting to open up. We didn’t do anything radical, but it seemed like he was becoming a bit more comfortable in his own skin as a gay man. We even went back to the gay bar. Though, we weren’t alone. Both Jenn and Aiden came along. That made Noah feel much more comfortable. We stayed two hours! It wasn’t perfect, but I count that as progress. We were finally moving in the right direction, breaking down barriers. But then it all came to a halt. In just mere seconds, all of our gains were erased. And once again, Noah retreated deep into the closet.

We were walking home from that gay bar, laughing, minding our own business. Noah was a bit tipsy, and kept walking into my path. To steady him, I put my arm around his waist. I did it so that he wouldn’t fall over. I probably would have done the same for Aiden. It wasn’t a sexual type of touching. But the next thing I know these two fucking assholes, probably just a few years older than us, start calling us ‘faggots’, saying we are ‘perverse’. One made a crude gesture towards his own dick, saying something like we should suck a real man. They didn’t stay long. They took off before I could even respond. I was going to run after them. But Noah grabbed my arm. He said it wasn’t worth it. I was so angry! It’s probably a good thing I didn’t run after those fucking ass faces. Otherwise, they would have gotten one good beating. I decided to brush it off. Stupid people are going to say stupid things. Noah, though, did not.

That was a little over a week ago. Since then we’ve gone back to the way things were before Valentine’s Day. Am I thrilled? No. But I don’t blame Noah. It was an upsetting experience, and the timing was absolutely awful. I knew it would happen one day, though I didn’t expect it to happen in the city. I was just hoping if it did ever happen, it would be when Noah was much more secure.

So, back to square one, it seems. To be fair, since that event, we both have been extremely busy. A few days later we started to prep for midterms. Those just wrapped up. Now, when we get back from our trip, we have to turn our attention to essays and assignments. It just never ends!

Anyway, I’m not going to dwell on all of that. Besides, the day is just too beautiful for one to be upset or angry. Plus, now that both of my hands are free, I can do this!

“Hey,” Noah yells as I smack him with a snowball. “That hurt!”

If you have lots of snow, might as well use it, right? This is going to be fun!

*** NOAH ***

This will be good. A weekend away in the wilderness with my boyfriend and our best friends, Jenn and Aiden. For the past two years, I’ve been coming here with Jenn during the winter. It’s sort of tradition. This year though we thought we would expand our social circle. I figured after such a stressful week, it would be nice to relax, go skiing, or sit around all day and get drunk. Plus, this weekend happens to be Aiden’s birthday! I told Jordan to invite him as well because I thought it would be rude to leave him alone in the city. Plus, I’d like to say I’m also Aiden’s friend now. We’ve spent a fair bit of time together these past few weeks. He really is a great guy; he’s down to earth, doesn’t get angry and has a great sense of humour.

Now, our trip didn’t really get off to a strong start. I think both Aiden and Jordan thought we would never make it here alive. I was also worried, but also prepared. Jenn is the only one who has a car, so we all piled into her death trap. The reason I call it a death trap is because Jenn is the craziest driver in the world. She becomes a demon on the road, speeding, cursing, weaving through traffic. Every time I get into a car with her, I pray I’ll make it out alive. Now, given that it’s winter one would think she would drive slower. Nope. She has winter tires so she felt that means she can still drive like a maniac. Every so often Jordan looked at me eyes wide. He’s never had the privilege before of being a passenger in Jenn’s car. Much to everyone’s relief we made it to our destination in one piece.

While Aiden and Jenn were settling in, Jordan and I decided to go for a walk. I wanted to show him the area. The timing was perfect. The sun was starting to go down. It looked beautiful. But then, I was reminded about the ugly side of this world. I didn’t want to let go of Jordan’s hand. But the moment I saw the man across the street look at us, I went back to what happened last week. I could hear the hatred in their voices. Their condemnation of our love. I know some people are bigoted and stupid. I know not everyone will accept us. But it was just such a sharp reminder of how awful this world can be. But beyond all of that, I was scared. Not that they would physically hurt us, though that was a possibility, but that Jordan would run after them. That he would get into a fight, and he would get hurt, or seriously hurt them. I just wanted that moment to end. I just wanted to be back in our own home. I hate to admit it, but I’m weak. I shy away from confrontation. My first reaction is to deescalate. I’m not as strong or determined as Jordan. And that makes me feel awful inside.

After we got back to the cottage, Jordan and Aiden went into town to buy a pair of gloves; Aiden forgot his at home. In the meantime, I’m getting started on dinner. I made a bunch of stuff at home, so mainly I just need to pop it in the oven. Jenn says she'll help. Of course, that means she is sitting down having a glass of wine and not helping at all.

“So,” she says to me, “what did you get Aiden for his birthday?”

“A dress shirt and a tie. I figured he could wear them to work,” I reply. “Jordan said he would buy something, but he couldn’t decide on what he wanted to get. And we ran out of time. I quickly went to the mall and bought the first thing I could think of.”

“You’re usually more creative with gifts,” she says.

“I know. If I had more time I would have gotten something better. But you know how last-minute Jordan can be with everything.”

“That’s true. Luckily for you, I’m here to save the day. I have the perfect idea.”

“And what would that be?” I ask as I chop vegetables for a salad.

“The gift of a three-way.”

“What!?” I say looking up suddenly.

“You know, you, Jordan, and Aiden. I’m sure you would LOVE that, and probably Jordan would too.”

I frown at her. “It’s not even five in the afternoon yet and you’re already drunk.”

“Interesting. That wasn’t a no,” she points out.

“Yeah, I’ll pass.”

“Oh, come on, are you telling me you don’t want to see what’s under Aiden’s shirt?”

“No, I’m not saying that he’s not attractive …”

“See, I knew —”

“But that said,” I say cutting her off, “that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with him. I’m already taken. Besides, I’m surprised you haven’t jumped on that opportunity yet. I know you like him.”

“Hmm, I’m taking a break from men,” she says.

“Finally decided to join the awesome side?” I jokingly ask her.

“I’d make a fantastic lesbian, thank you very much. But no, just a break. Besides he’s friends with Jordan, who is my ex, and my best friend’s boyfriend. And Aiden is eventually going back to Australia, so I think it’s already complicated enough without me hooking up with him.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right, darling,” she says trying to be posh, but failing miserably.

“So, you’re saying, if Aiden showed up at your bedroom door tonight, without a shirt, and was all flirtatious, and wanted to spend the night with you, you’d say no?”

“I’m not a saint! Obviously, I would say yes. I’m only human, Noah!”

I laugh. “I thought so.”

“But knowing my luck, he’s probably secretly gay too. Why are all the good guys gay?”

“Better for me,” I say with a smile.

“You already have a man, you don’t need another!”

“There are plenty of hot straight men,” I remind her.

“Where? They’re all hiding.”

“Just hiding from you. Now are you going to help me prep dinner or are you just going to sit there and act like a spectator?” Typical Jenn!

“I’ll think about it as you pour me another glass of wine,” she says sliding her glass forward.

Does she help in the end? Not really. I prepare dinner all on my own. She just sits there giving instructions like an annoying backseat driver. Jordan and Aiden return just as I’m taking everything out of the oven. At least Aiden offers to set the table! Stupid lazy Jenn!

Once we finish eating and cleaning up, we move into the living room to sit by the fire. I sit down next to Jordan, leaning against him. We don’t act like a couple any other time, but I know this is a safe space. We should be able to be ourselves at least in front of our own friends.

“Aw, look at the love birds,” Jenn teases us. “So cute.”

“I know, aren’t we?” Jordan says putting his arm around my shoulder.

“Jeez, get a room already!” Jenn laughs.

“We have one,” Jordan says with a smile.

“Just remember to keep it quiet tonight. I don’t need to be woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of that one,” she says pointing to me, “moaning your name out loud as you go at it like rabbits."

Oh, Jenn. I just shake my head. Normally I would be embarrassed. But I'm used to this now from Jenn. Only problem is usually we’re alone, and Aiden isn’t there trying to suppress a laugh.

“Why are you assuming that he’ll be the one moaning my name tonight?” Jordan asks.

Oh God, this is getting out of hand. Jenn is clearly amused. Aiden jaw drops.

“My bad, I’m truly sorry for assuming,” Jenn says.

“Apology accepted,” Jordan replies.

“I really am sorry for both of them,” I say to Aiden.

“No, no, this is all fascinating and very revealing at the same time,” he says. “I'm just learning a lot more than I ever wanted to know, that’s all. But it’s all good.”

“Wait, you’re saying you don’t want to know more about our sex life?” Jordan asks Aiden. “And how I make this one squirm?”

I smack him in the arm. “Jordan!”

“I do!” Jenn yells.

“You know what, I think I'm good for now. But thanks for the offer,” Aiden says laughing.

“Can we please talk about something else now, anything really,” I say.

“Oh, that’s fine, we have the entire weekend to discuss your sex life,” Jenn says with a smile.

“I really do hate you,” I say to her.

“I know.”

From there, thankfully, the conversation turns and no one brings up our sex life again. It's not a topic I want to discuss openly in front of anyone except my boyfriend. He though doesn't seem to care. He kind of enjoys it, I think. I know it’s all in good fun. One day I'll find a way to get back at him and Jenn. One day.

“Alright, I'm exhausted,” Jenn says an hour later. “I think I'm going to go stuff my ears with cotton and go to bed. Noah, you should go over my suggestion with Jordan,” Jenn says referring to our earlier conversation. “Night guys.”

Aiden decides to call it a night as well.

“What suggestion?” Jordan asks after we walk into our room.

“Oh, nothing, Jenn just had a birthday present suggestion for Aiden, but it’s just her being crazy like usual,” I say brushing off the topic. “Nothing serious.”

“I want to know, what did she suggest?”

“Jenn is just being crazy,” I say.

“Just tell me. Now I’m curious.”

“It’s really inappropriate.”

“Obviously. Come on, now you have to tell me.”

“Fine. She suggested we have a three-way,” I say.

“With her?” Jordan asks with a serious face. “She knows we’re gay, right?”

“Ha. I think so! I mean with Aiden.”

Jordan smiles. “Oh. You know, that’s not the worst idea she’s ever had …”

“Wait, what!?” He can’t be serious.

“It could be fun. Aiden and me —”

“If I were you, I would choose my next words very carefully,” I say cutting him off.

He laughs. “I’m joking, relax. Aiden’s a great guy, but I’m not interested in him. He’s my best friend; that would just be weird. I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way again. Besides, you’re more than I can handle in bed. I’m good … for now,” he says teasing me with a wink.

“Watch it or you won’t be smiling when you’re sleeping on the couch. Alone.” I know he’s just messing with me. He better be!

*** JORDAN ***

Even after all this time Noah still finds ways to surprise me. I would have bet money that once we turned off the lights, we would fall asleep. There was no way Noah would have sex tonight, not with Jenn and Aiden just a few doors down. Granted, even though I joke, I don’t really want Aiden to hear what Noah and I do in bed. Not that I’m embarrassed! But for some odd reason, the conversation turned Noah on. And he wants me. He doesn’t want any of the foreplay, no kissing or caressing. He just wants me inside of him right now.

He gets on all fours sticking his ass in the air, as I line up behind him. It doesn’t take me long to open him up, and enter his warm hole. To be safe Noah bites down on one of his shirts to try and muffle any moans. Even I have to go slow. The bed is old and creaks a lot! As soon as I enter him, Noah’s head drops. Even after all this time that first push is electric, that first push fires me up. There is something about being inside of him that never gets old. It is always exciting. Slowly I start to pull out, and then go back in. My thrusts are long. Noah clearly is struggling to stay quiet. His knuckles are white. I can hear his muffled voice, though he is quieter than usual. I have to control myself not to make any noise either, or to pick up speed. Every fibre inside of me wants to move into him faster, harder. Even Noah wants more. He starts to meet my thrusts, pushing into me. But then the bed starts to creak and I slow down.

And then Noah does something that surprises me even more. He spits out his shirt, leans up such that his back is pressed against my torso, my dick still in his ass, and says: “Fuck it. Unleash your inner animal. Make me yours.”

“As you wish,” I say wrapping my arms around him.

I start to pick up speed, slamming my body into his. He moans, louder, but still not too loud. I push him down onto the bed, his face in the sheets, his ass in the air, and I go for it. I lose all of my inhibitions and pound the man who is craving me tonight. The bed creaks. Noah moans. I struggle to catch my breath. We change positions. I flip him over onto his back, press his knees against his chest and enter him again. As I hit his prostate, Noah throws his head back, and closes his eyes. Each time I hit that spot I can see the pleasure wash over his face. He's really trying hard not to make a sound. But it’s not easy. I’m not making it easy. We're young. We’re horny. We’re in love. Who cares if he we make a bit of noise?

——— 

We have a plan. We’re just going to pretend like nothing happened. Aiden won't say anything even if he heard Noah and I going to town on each other. Jenn probably will even if she didn't hear anything. Noah and I both were clearly caught up in the moment. But the moment Noah's orgasm subsided he realized he may have gotten a bit carried away. He is still very embarrassed by all of this. But honestly, what’s there to be embarrassed about? We’re young and horny. Everyone knows we’re having sex. It’s not a big deal. Though, I know not everyone wants to hear us having sex. That part I understand.

Noah falls asleep soon after we’re done. I get up to take a quick shower. When I’m done, I realize I’m kind of hungry. I did just have a pretty aggressive workout! I make my way over to the kitchen to grab something to eat from the fridge. I want something sweet, but I know that’s a bad idea at this hour. Maybe I’ll just have an apple or a banana. Much to my surprise I notice Aiden is sitting there also having a snack.

“You’re still up?” I ask as I enter the kitchen.

“Yeah. I couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d eat something,” he says.

“We didn’t wake you, did we?” Crap I hope we didn’t.

“No, no … but it didn’t help …”

Shit. He could hear. “Sorry, man,” I say sitting down beside him. Sex has never been a taboo topic between us. We’ve always been very open with one another about everything. We used to talk about girls we were dating, but in a respectful manner. But I’ve never been as forthcoming with details about Noah. Even though Aiden is cool with all of this, I don’t think he wants to know that much. Plus, I don’t think Noah wants others to know what goes on inside our bedroom.

“It’s okay. It’s perfectly normal,” he says. “And besides, at least someone is getting laid.”

“We’ll try to be better the rest of the weekend,” I say. “And even earlier the joke about making Noah squirm, I’ll stop that too. I know it probably makes you uncomfortable.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. People have sex. It’s natural. Though I don’t think Noah likes it too much, which is why I don’t engage in that conversation.”

“He knows we’re only joking. But yeah, he’s not as open as we are.”

“Yeah, I figured. But, honestly, it doesn’t bother me. Actually, to be honest, hearing you two tonight … um ... I’m kind of curious how it feels … uh … you know, to get … fucked. Have you ever?”

I laugh. Aiden is always very easy going. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen him a bit nervous about asking me a question.

“Yeah, I have. And fuck, it hurt like hell at first. It was brutal! I thought I was going to cry. But after a while it actually feels really, really good! You should try it one day!”

“Interesting. Good to know.”

“There are things you can buy to help you. No one here will judge you,” I laugh.

“Yes, I know. And I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Or, we could always do what Jenn suggested for your birthday.” I really shouldn’t say this, but it’s Aiden, and he knows I’m joking.

“And what would that be?”

“Have a threesome with you,” I say.

He laughs. “That sounds like something she would suggest. And what does Noah think?”

“Um, he’s you know, not really on board. But I could convince him. You heard us tonight. I’m pretty awesome in the sack.”

Aiden starts to laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure you are. But you’re also forgetting that unfortunately I’ve seen you naked in the past, and trust me buddy, there is nothing worth bragging about,” he says.

“Wow! Way to take a shot at my manhood!” I say laughing.

“You know me, I’m all about the truth. But yeah, that will be a hard pass from me. I’m going to stick with women. But thank you!”

“Whatever. Not like I was actually inviting you to join us! I don’t sleep with losers.”

“Uh-huh, sure, buddy,” Aiden says. “Whatever you need to say to heal your bruised ego.”

“Ass. Whatever, save your tiny dick from some unlucky woman,” I say. “And on that topic, dude, honestly, if you like Jenn make a move already! You two are SO obvious!”

“She’s just a friend,” he says.

“Whatever. It’s obvious she likes you. And I think you like her too!”

“She’s your ex dude, and Noah’s best friend. I don’t know. It could be weird.”

“It’s Jenn, it will be weird no matter what. But if you’re worried about what I think or what Noah thinks, don’t be. You have our blessing.”

“Good to know,” he says.

We talk a bit more about dating and sex. He asks me a few more questions about what it’s like to be with a guy. I know he’s just curious, but not that kind of curious. He’s straight. He’s not into dudes. I’m positive! And just to be certain, I make sure I didn’t offend him with my joke about the three-way. Obviously, he wasn’t offended. He knows it was a joke. He also reminds me that he knows I’m crazy.

“This really is a nice cottage!” Aiden says as we wrap up our sex talk. “Do you remember the summer weekend we spent at Jack’s cottage? Oh man, that was a good weekend ...”

Aiden and I have been to several cottages throughout the years. My family was too poor to own one. Aiden’s family is middle, working class, but they couldn’t afford one either. A couple of ours friends though, their families did have their own. So, we were often invited to spend a weekend.

For the next while, we talk about some of those adventures. I don’t know how he remembers everything in so much detail! I had totally forgotten about some of those trips! It could be because on some I had a bit too much to drink. I’ve actually cut down on how much alcohol I consume. One, it’s not good for me, and two, I just can’t afford it! Going out and drinking is expensive!

“One day we’ll be the hosts as opposed to the guests at a cottage,” Aiden says to me.

“Ha! I doubt that. Maybe you. I still have to find a way to pay for med school, that is, if I get in. Just so you know, I’m banking on you creating some hugely popular app, and becoming crazy rich overnight. So, don’t let me down.”

“And what do I get in return?” he asks.

“When I’m a doctor I’ll give you free healthcare, obviously.”

“Healthcare is already free in this country, dumbass,” he points out. “Basically, I get nothing.”

“Pretty much,” I say.

“Speaking of money, I’m surprised you ended up coming here in the end. What made you change your mind?”

So, money continues to be a bit of an issue, though it’s a lot better than before. That’s mainly because I’ve been working more. But also, because I can tell Noah is starting to cut down on expenses too. He no longer goes to the expensive grocery store. And because we’ve been busy, we haven’t been going out as much. I know Noah is a homebody, and prefers generally to stay in. But sometimes he wants to go out and have fun. We went last week to the theatre. He bought me tickets to see a musical for Christmas. He mentioned there is a play he wants to see as well. I would love to take him, but I can’t afford the tickets. They’re 100 bucks each. That’s 200 bucks in one night. Plus, you end up going for dinner, or a drink, and you easily spend much more. Noah offered to pay. Sometimes he does, sometimes I do. And that’s okay. But I just can’t always rely on him to cover the bill. That’s not fair to him. Then there is this trip. When Noah suggested it, my first thought was how much is this going to cost. We are splitting the bill four ways, and are only here for two nights, so it’s not too bad, but it’s still an unnecessary expense.

“Well, we’ve both been so busy the last few weeks. We barely saw each other because of midterms. I just figured it would be nice to get away. Plus, I don’t want Noah to feel like I’m always holding him back from having fun.”

“He’s not going to think that, Jordan.”

“I know. He may not now, but over time, he might. I just figured I’ll work a couple of more shifts, and I’ll be okay,” I say.

“Dude, you’re already working so much! Between school, work, and volleyball, you barely have any time. You can’t keep this up. You’re going to crash and burn.”

“What else can I do?” I ask him. “I need the money.”

“Talk to Noah,” he says. “He cares for you. It’s not fair to him if you hide your concerns. And there is nothing wrong with accepting his help.”

“I know. And he’s been really good. I know he’s trying to spend less.”

“See! That’s my point. You should talk to him. You know I love being your best friend, and I always will be. You can talk to me about anything, you know that. But in the same way Noah is your best friend too, and you can talk to him as well. If you feel like you can’t, then that’s not a good sign.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I know I can. And I will. I will. I just wish I could give him more, buy him expensive things. But I can’t. And I won’t be able to for a long time.”

“I can’t say I know Noah like you do, but I think I’ve gotten a good read on him over these past few weeks,” Aiden says. “And what I can tell is that he doesn’t seem like a materialistic guy. Objects won’t make him happy. Being with you is what makes him happy. I don’t think he cares that you can’t buy him something fancy. As long as you are there for him, and are honest with him, I think that will be enough.”

“How did you become so wise?” Honestly, this guy is so smart.

“I’ve always been this wise. You’re just so slow that you never realized it until now! Anyway, I’m tired. I’m off to bed.”

“Yeah, we should get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you, buddy.”

“Oh, shit, it is tomorrow already! Happy Birthday!” I didn’t realize it’s past midnight.

“Thanks, Jordan.”

——— 

I figured because we had a late night, Noah would still be in bed when I got up. Nope. It appears he’s long gone. I begrudgingly get up and make my way into the kitchen. There I find Jenn eating breakfast alone. She also appears to have just gotten up.

“Morning,” I say with a yawn. Man, I’m tired. Aiden and I were up late.

“Morning.”

“Where's Noah?” I ask.

“Dunno. Aiden’s gone as well. I think they went out together somewhere. You guys sleep okay?”

I grab a box of cereal, a bowl and milk and join Jenn at the table. “Yeah. You?”

“Yep. I fell asleep right away. Though, I’m not used to it being this quiet. Usually you hear traffic, the streetcar or something when you’re downtown.”

Good. It doesn't sound like she heard anything. “Yeah, there’s no noise to drown out the thoughts in your head.”

“Or to drown out your boyfriend’s moans.”

I choke on the food in my mouth, coughing out some milk. So, she heard. “Ah, yeah, sorry about that. I hope we weren’t too loud.”

A big smile comes across her face. “I didn’t hear anything! I was just assuming, but now I know.”

I just shake my head. “I have nothing to hide.”

“You know I only tease you guys because I love you both, right? Plus, it’s so much fun to see Noah blush. It’s way too easy. But I can stop if it bothers you.”

I smile. “I find it funny, and I know this is awful, but I like seeing Noah blush too.”

“You really have changed him, you know that, right?”

“He’s still the same guy,” I say.

“No, he’s not. I've known Noah for three years now and he really has changed a lot these past few months, and I think credit for that goes to you. He’s not as removed as he used to be,” she says. “He’s not as reserved, or shy. He’s starting to open up.”

“We’ve both come a long way. He’s changed me too.”

“I know! He got you hooked on dick,” she says with a laugh.

And there goes that serious conversation. “That he did. I just …” I don't know if I should say anything to her.

“Just what?” she says putting her spoon down.

“I know he’s not as reserved, but do you think he’ll ever be comfortable telling more people? I thought we were making progress … but then there was that night after the gay bar … and I want to give him time and space, and I'm happy the way we are, but I wonder sometimes if we’ll ever cross that barrier.”

She takes a deep breath before answering. “It’s hard to say. That night really shook Noah. He knows it was just two morons being idiotic. But it reminded him that not everyone is going to be okay and accept you guys as a couple.”

“I know. I know it’s not going to be easy or entirely smooth coming out.”

“Unfortunately, it might not be. Plus, Noah is generally a private person. He doesn’t normally share much about himself. And you know how much he worries about his family.”

“I do.”

“They’re crazy, I've met them. I know.”

“Crazier than you?” I ask.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but yes, they are.”

“I believe you,” I say.

“And are you even ready to come out?” she asks. “Noah mentioned you’re worried about your teammates.”

“That was a concern, and to a degree, it still is … but honestly, I think I would be okay. It’s not that I want to tell everyone in the world, it’s just that … I want to be able to go to a gay bar with Noah, and not have to take you as well. No offence to you, I love your company, but you know what I mean.”

“I know,” she says. “And I understand. I’m sorry.”

“You have no reason to apologize, and neither does Noah. In the end, as his boyfriend, my ultimate job is to be there for him, to support him. And I get that his family is a legitimate concern. I made him a promise I wouldn’t rush him. That I would give him time. And I intend to keep that. I’ll give him all the time he needs.”

“You’re a good guy, Jordan. And don’t worry, I won’t mention to Noah we had this talk. But I will tell him that he is really lucky to have you,” she says.

“And I’m lucky to have him.”

“Going back to what I was saying earlier,” she says, “Noah really has changed a lot this year. He’s really surprised me with just how much he’s grown. Who knows he may surprise both of us again.”

“You’re right.”

“And even if he doesn't,” she continues, “it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you. He really does.”

“I know. And I also care for him.”

“From the sounds you two were making last night, yeah, we all know,” she says with a smile.

“I thought you didn’t hear anything?” I ask.

“I think everyone in a twenty kilometre radius heard you two last night. All the wildlife in the area is scarred for life!”

Oh, Jenn.

*** NOAH ***

A fresh new layer of snow has blanketed the ground. It continues to fall lightly as we walk back to the car. It is surprisingly not too cold for the beginning of March.

I didn’t expect to find Aiden sitting at the kitchen table when I got up this morning. My plan was to leave quietly so that I could go and buy his birthday cake. It was supposed to be a surprise. But Aiden said he would join me. So there went that surprise. Though, I have to say I was surprised he wanted to come. I’ve spent a fair bit of time with Aiden, and I think we are friends, but really, he is my boyfriend’s friend. We’ve never really spent any time alone together.

As we drive back, we make small talk. I ask him about his job, he asks me about school. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it feels like we are supposed to be talking about something else. That he wants to ask me something. But he doesn’t. Maybe I should take this opportunity to ask him something that has been on my mind these past few days.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Aiden says.

“If it puts you in an awkward spot you don’t have to answer,” I add. “Do you think I’m holding Jordan back?”

He looks at me puzzled. “I honestly have no idea what you mean.”

“I mean … I know he wants to take our relationship to the next level … but I … I feel like I’m holding him back … that I’m not letting him achieve everything he wants … that he deserves a better boyfriend ...”

“Noah, you’re an amazing boyfriend. And I think you know Jordan is crazy about you,” he says.

“I know. It’s just … he probably told you what happened after we left the gay bar the other week.”

“He did.”

“I know you all probably think I’m being stupid and cowardly —”

“Hey, neither are you stupid, nor are you a coward,” Aiden says cutting me off. “Honestly, no one thinks that. I know this is not easy, and that there are a lot of assholes out there.”

“There are … but I just wonder sometimes if I’m being fair to Jordan. He’s such an amazing guy, and deserves so much better than me and my stupid insecurities.”

It was my guilt for taking my hand away as we walked outside, that fueled my desire to sleep with Jordan last night. I wanted him to know that I do care about him, that I’m not ashamed to be seen with him in public. That I’m not always a prude. That I can take risks.

“Your insecurities are not stupid, Noah. You shouldn’t belittle yourself or how you feel,” Aiden says. “Jordan told me about your family. I understand. I know this can’t be easy. On my mom’s side, I have this one aunt who is obsessively religious. I once heard her talking about homosexuality. I get it. I know this can’t be easy for you.”

“It’s not,” I say.

“And as for Jordan, I don’t think you’re holding him back. He’s only gotten this far because of you. Otherwise, he might still be locked away in the closet, denying who he truly is.”

That’s true. I never thought about that.

“Look, I don’t want to speak for Jordan and how he feels, because that’s not right, but I will say this,” Aiden continues. “I’ve known him practically my entire life. And I’ve seen him at his best and at his worst. And these past few weeks, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy. He is absolutely crazy about you. There is not a doubt in my mind that he loves you with all his heart. It’s painfully obvious. Now, as to whether you are being fair to him, that’s only a question Jordan can answer. It’s something the two of you need to talk about. Now, that’s not to say I won’t be there for you guys, I will, every step of the way. But this is a conversation you need to have with Jordan.”

“You’re right. And we have. He always says he is okay, he’s happy, and that he’ll give me as much space as I need.”

“Do you not believe him?” Aiden asks.

“No, no, of course I do!” I say. “I know he’s telling the truth. I just don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage of his patience, that I’m being selfish, you know?”

“I get that.”

“That’s why I thought I would ask what you think.”

“In the end, it doesn’t matter what I think,” he says.

“But I trust your opinion.”

“That means a lot, honestly, it does, but I’m nobody. All that matters is how you and Jordan both feel. That’s it. And look, if you feel like you’re holding him back, but not ready to come out, then maybe think of other ways you can show him your appreciation. But, again, I think the best thing you can do, is you can talk to him.”

“You’re right. I will. And I will make sure he knows just how much I love and appreciate him,” I say. “You’re a really good friend, Aiden. Jordan is lucky to have you.”

“And you’re not?” he asks. “I thought by now you would consider me a friend as well.”

“Oh, of course I do!” I say. “That’s not at all what I meant.”

“I know. I’m just bugging you.”

*** JORDAN ***

There really is no better feeling than wrapping yourself up in a blanket, next to the guy you love, after having sex. This is our sanctuary. Our bed, in our home. There really is nowhere else I’d rather be than here with Noah.

I still find it hard to believe that we’ve been living together for more than two and a half months. It’s almost the end of March! How times flies. Just two or so weeks ago we were spending the weekend at the cottage. The trip was great. We went skiing on Aiden’s birthday, and then stayed up playing games by the fire at night. Both Jenn and Noah are really competitive when it comes to board games! And I thought I was competitive! It truly was a perfect weekend. I was surrounded by people I love the most in this world. Yes, I include Jenn in that group. I’ve really grown fond of her these past few weeks. Though, I’m never getting into a car with her again. She’s fucking crazy! Oh, and it was so obvious there was a spark between Aiden and Jenn. Noah mentioned it too. But for now, at least, the two are just friends. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Once we got back to the city, Noah and I had a long conversation about our finances. He knew that I was taking on more work so that I could pay the bills. And he told me how it pained him to see me struggle, instead of asking for help. It made it seem like I don’t trust him. I told him that is far from the truth. I trust him with my life. And I told him how I appreciate that he has been trying to cut our expenses. Living with Noah, and speaking to Aiden, I’ve realized it’s not wrong to ask for those you love for help. That’s what they’re there for. And so, we figured out a new formula to split our expenses. It actually helps a lot. I don’t have to work as much, and right now that’s a good thing, because school is busy!

Now, as for our relationship, our fire is still burning strong. I think going away for the weekend really helped. When we came back, Noah seemed like he had regained some of his confidence. He’s been a lot more affectionate, albeit that affection is mostly confined to when we are at home. And that’s okay. He did mention he had a long conversation with Aiden. I don’t know what Aiden told Noah, but whatever he said, helped. We did also briefly talk about the status of our relationship. Noah said he would try harder, and that he appreciates all of my support. I in turn told him I will always be there for him. And that was it. That was all that needed to be said. I didn’t want him to feel pressured, or that he had to explain himself. I just wanted him to know that I’ll always support him.

Now, even if Noah was ready to do more, it’s not like we’ve had much time! The past two weeks have been hell. I don’t know how else to describe them! We both have been utterly swamped with schoolwork. Most of our essays and assignments were due. Noah was also tutoring; I was working and playing volleyball. Honestly, there were days we didn’t even cross paths. Noah would be asleep before I even got home. He’d be out the door before I even woke up. It really was awful. I hate the days when we don’t even get five minutes together. Thankfully, those days are mostly behind us. We just have a little over two more weeks of school, and then exams!

Now, unfortunately, our crazy schedule did lead to some fights. When I get stressed, I tend to get messy. I wasn’t doing laundry regularly, so the hamper was overflowing and falling over. I was leaving dirty dishes in the sink. I missed my turn to clean the bathroom. I did eventually do it all, just a few days later. And normally Noah is okay. He gives me time and space, but because he was stressed too it led to some fights. It was nothing serious. We made up like an hour or so later. But, yeah, we had some not so fun days.

Not to say it’s all been awful. I did surprise him the night before our five month anniversary. I decided to cook a fancy dinner! Now, I should clarify, when I say I cooked, I really mean I helped Jenn cook a fancy meal. I didn’t want to give the guy food poisoning! That would have been really bad. I have made dinner in the past. But normally I’ll make something easy, like pasta, or burgers. But for this dinner I (or I should say Jenn), went all out and actually cooked a meal! I did tell Noah the truth, that I got some help from Jenn. Though, he pretty much had already figured that out on his own. Still, he was really happy.

So, some high points and some low points these past few weeks, but overall, I have to say it’s been great. We’ve been together, and really, that’s all that matters. As long as we are together, we can face whatever the world throws our way.

*** NOAH ***

Sometimes it’s the simplest things in life that bring you joy. I’m lying in bed, next to the most amazing man in the world, reading a book. He’s on his phone lost in a game. Even though we’re both doing our own thing, Jordan’s foot is gently rubbing against my leg. Even now, after dating for five months, I love the feeling of his skin against mine. He always makes me feel wanted.

Our perfect, yet simple moment, is broken by the intrusive sound of my phone. It’s my mom. That’s odd.

“Hey, Mom,” I say picking up the phone. My mom usually calls me once or twice a week, but generally not this late. “Yeah Easter is this weekend ... yeah I know …” She is just reminding me again how nice it would have been if I came home for Easter. But, like I told her before a dozen times, exams are coming up so I can’t. Besides, Jenn has invited us over to her place for dinner on Sunday. She invited Aiden too.

“So, I figured I’d visit you instead,” she says to me.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I arrive this Thursday at two in the afternoon! Can you pick me up from the airport?” she asks.

“Of course. That’s great news mom …”

Oh, fuck.

That’s not great. It’s terrible. Why the heck is she visiting!? Thursday afternoon, as in less than two days from now, my mom will be here. Here in this house. Here where Jordan, my gay lover, the guy who just fucked her son, is now practically lying naked in bed.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.