U-N-I - 9. Chapter 9

Rob must have been really tired because he quickly drifted off to sleep in my arms. I squirmed out of his grip and as I did so, he rolled over onto his stomach. I lay on my side next to him and just watched him sleep for a moment. It was something I always enjoyed doing, that alone time with him after sex, when I would just watch him and caress him. I knew he did the same sometimes.

I ran my fingers along his strong arm before raising myself up to rest my head on his back. For a moment, my hand travelled up and down the small of his back, to his ass cheek and his tigh. I loved his body and I knew it so well, nearly all of his extra-sensitive spots. I knew where I could just slightly tickle him, I knew the location of the scar that he'd acquired when he had fallen off his roof at eleven years old. I loved him, every inch of him, and admiring his body was a way to remind myself of who I was, a gay man.

After a while, I kissed his lower back and pulled the bed cover over him a little.

It was only 8pm and I didn't feel like spending the evening alone so I got dressed and went back to Jordan's.

I rang the doorbell because the front door required a key to open it from the outside, and I didn't have it with me.

"Hey mate," he said as he opened the door to me.

"Hey, where's everyone?" I asked him as I peered into the living room.

"They went to Rachel's to have dinner."

"Why didn't you?" I asked.

"I wanna catch up on Game of Thrones since you've all watched the last episode without me," he complained jokingly.

"Les absents ont toujours tort," I retorted in French, as I knew he could understand that expression, which basically meant 'Those who are absent are always wrong'. We would always watch that show together but he was out on a date that night.

"And I'm not that hungry. I'll join them later. What's Rob doing?"

"He fell asleep."

He looked at me with a grin,

"You wore him out!"

I laughed,

"I guess I did!"

"Seriously? You just had sex?" he asked amused, as he sat back down on the couch.

"Yeah."

He must have seen a bit of a blissful expression on my face because he asked with a laugh,

"That good?"

I just let out a small chuckle as I sat down next to him,

"Oh you have no idea, fucking amazing!"

He shook his head,

"So unfair, how many times d'you have sex a day anyway?"

I laughed,

"Well, at least once! Can't resist him!" I grinned slightly.

Jordan frowned at me.

"How come?" he asked me with an inquiring tone.

I thought about it for a brief moment,

"I dunno, honestly I've stopped asking myself that a long time ago." I answered.

"C'mon, what is it about him? I bet that even though you're out, girls are still gonna go crazy over him!"

I shrugged with a smile,

"Are you jealous?" I teased him.

"A little." he confirmed jokingly and added, "Just trying to understand his secret."

"Oh come on, you get your fair share of attention!"

"Yeah sure, but, it's like, if he's around, it's like we don't exist anymore."

"Yeah, well, I don't care. I'd rather stay out of the spotlight as much as possible."

"Hey, I don't mind it!" he said as he continued to wonder why Rob was so popular,

"Yeah, everyone's attracted to him. Even I have to admit that he's hot!" he said. "Why is everyone so attracted to him? Why are you?"

"Why am I into him?" I repeated, thinking about my answer. "...Well, just because - he's perfect and gorgeous and intelligent and interesting and fun and loving and charming - l I could go on and on," I grinned.

"Well, so am I!" he exclaimed.

I let out a laugh,

"Alright, you wanna know, there's just an intensity to it with him, there's just something about him I can't get enough of."

"Yeah, that's it! Even on stage, there's an intensity to him. I have to work on that!" he pondered for a few seconds.

"Just be who you are!"

"Yeah, but with a bit more intensity though!" he nodded.

"Damn, I do talk to you about Rob a lot!" I exclaimed, I hadn't realized how much I shared private things about our relationship with him.

"Hey, don't worry about it, I don't mind!"

I smiled.

"Well, not that I don't enjoy your company, but I'm starving. I think I'm gonna go to Rachel's too."

"Yeah, well, me too then," he said, turning off the TV.

We walked out of his place and went to Rachel's. They were all having take out on the coffee table watching TV when we came in, and we immediately noticed there were two boys and a girl that we didn't know, but who looked familiar.

"Hello!" Jordan told them a bit surprised, "Who the hell are you?"

Damon laughed. "Hey, be nice! We found them waiting in the cold when the delivery guy showed up. They moderate the fans forum, we figured we needed them on our side."

"Oh I see, you're the ones who can erase compromising pictures or nasty comments," Jordan joked.

"Yeah, exactly," one of the boys said. "It's so great to meet you, we can't believe we're here," he said, as they stood up to shake our hands.

"Well, nice to meet you!" I told them.

"Likewise," the girl said with a lot of admiration in her voice, as she stared at me.

"You look familiar, have we seen you around here before?" I asked her.

"Yeah, we've come here a few times, and you must have seen us at your gigs, you've signed us autographs once."

"I thought so. How come you know where we live?" I asked with curiosity.

Damon and Dylan looked at them.

"You've already asked them that, haven't you?"

They nodded,

"Ok, never mind."

She answered nonetheless,

"There really aren't that many people who know where you live, but everyone's asking on the forum, but we always answer that they must write to BMG if they want to send you something. I think the few who know where you live don't tell others anymore."

"Let's hope so!" Jordan said.

"Rob's not coming over?" Damon asked me.

"No, he's sleeping."

"Already?" he asked in surprise.

"Yeah, he was knackered."

I could tell the fans were very disappointed, but they didn't say anything, just looked at each other and pouted. Jordan grinned at me and I knew he wanted to make a joke so I pushed his shoulder with my hand as I told him to shut up.

"Was he feeling a bit better about coming out?" Rachel asked me.

"I'm not sure. I think it needs to sink in. He's just stressed out."

"What about you?"

I just shrugged.

"Well if you need a little help, these three are very supportive," Dylan said, pointing at the fans.

I looked at them with a slight smile and asked,

"Did you suspect?"

They looked at each other, shrugging their shoulders slightly.

"A little," the girl replied shyly, "I mean, there was a lot of suspicion going on around Robbie, but the two of you together, I don't think anybody really believed you were a couple."

"Despite the myemers thing!" her friend added.

I just laughed,

"Oh Gosh, you're all having so much fun with that, aren't you?"

"Just the beginning," Rachel joked.

"Yeah, I'm afraid so," I agreed.

I knew there would be even more chemistry between us on stage now.

"How long have you been, like, an item?" she asked shyly again.

I supposed everyone was wondering on the forum and she wanted to be able to tell them.

I hesitated but finally answered,

"For five years."

"Basically since we started gigging with the band," Jordan added.

They looked at each other, as if there had been a bet going on between them. The girl smiled broadly, whereas the boys just looked surprised. She must have been the one who'd had that one right.

We spent the rest of the evening playing board games, laughing a lot, and just enjoying the time spent together.

As Rob wasn't answering his phone, his mum called me to say she'd be at our place around 9am the next morning.

When I went to sleep, Rob had changed position and was lying under the sheets, his head resting on his pillow. I stripped and slowly spooned myself against him. I felt him stir a little and he held my hand. After a few seconds, he sighed heavily,

"Oh fucking hell!"

"What?" I asked in surprise.

He sighed again,

"Uh, fuckin' nightmare! We were stalked down by reporters."

I had to laugh at that,

"Probably gonna become a reality."

"What time is it?" he asked and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Almost one," I said as he turned around to face me.

"Relax," I whispered to him softly as I placed my hand on the side of his face. He nodded and I stroked his bottom lip with my thumb. He was warm and he leaned his face into my touch. We lay in bed silently together, our bodies pressed against each other and our foreheads touching. I caressed his face for a moment, sometimes kissing him softly to soothe him. I knew the exact texture of his skin, the soft wetness inside his mouth, my hand traveled to the curves of his muscles in his arm. I think at that instant, I knew his every emotion, and it was comfortable that way. And I knew he felt the same.

"I know it stresses you out. Just go back to sleep, don't worry so much about it."

He closed his eyes and leaned into me a little more, resting his head on my chest. I held him tight against me as we went to sleep.

--------------

I woke to the sound of my phone's alarm. It was 8am and I wanted to be up for when Rob's mother would show up. I wasn't sure if Rob was still sleeping but I quietly got out of bed and he didn't move much. I got ready and headed downstairs to make breakfast. Fifteen minutes later, she was ringing the doorbell.

"Hey... good morning sweetie," she said softly, embracing me with a motherly warmth.

I hugged her back and we went to the kitchen. She opened her bag and retrieved a bunch of newspapers that she dropped on the kitchen counter. I just laughed.

"I've just bought all the newspapers that published something about you this morning."

"Oh god, I'm scared," I told her as I picked up 'the Sun'. I rapidly found their article and was relieved to see they hadn't used the picture of us kissing that they had. Like the others, they wrote an article about the fact that we had come out on social media, and it was not too bad.

"Alright," I heaved a sigh of relief, "it could've been so much worse!" I said as I picked up the Daily Mail, another bad tabloid I was a little wary of as well.

"Is Robbie still in bed?"

"Yeah, he's been spark out since eight last night! Seriously, I don't know why he's so tired."

"It must've taken a lot out of him. He sounded very tired and worried last night."

"Yeah, he was." I confirmed, then smiled at her. "It's nice that you came."

"Of course, I came!" she said with a smile.

We sat at the table to have breakfast and she asked kindly,

"So? How are you doing Mark?"

"Oh, you know, I'm okay. There are worse things that could be happening," I answered.

She nodded slightly,

"It sort of makes it official."

"Yeah," I smiled, "next thing you know, Rob's gonna ask me to marry him," I joked.

"Wouldn't that be a lovely wedding!" she smiled broadly.

"I was kidding," I laughed

"Maybe one day, you won't be."

"Oh come on! I wouldn't even want to get married if I were straight."

"Well, your parents didn't set a great example to you."

I just snorted. She then asked in a serious tone of voice,

"How do you feel about everyone knowing about the two of you?"

I looked at her with uncertainty, trying to find the right words for it.

"I'm just a bit apprehensive right now." I sighed, I was silent for a moment. "It's just something we had to do. We'll have more freedom, and that can only be a good thing, right?"

She nodded,

"Let's hope so."

I could sense a bit of apprehension in her voice and in her attitude.

"You think we should've waited, don't you?"

"No, no," she reassured me, "I think you did what you thought was right... and I'm sure everything will be fine. It's a big step, that's all."

She looked at me with a motherly expression on her face.

"What?" I asked, chuckling.

She shook her head,

"You're all getting so big. You have changed so much in the past few years, so fast. Sometimes, I wish you were still twelve years old."

"Oh no, you don't really want that," I told her, remembering our childhood. "we were so out of control at that age, we were driving you crazy."

"Oh no, you were good kids," she remembered with a smile, "you know, in my mind, you just ran off without giving me the time to realize you were not little boys anymore."

"Oh, don't worry, Jane, we may be twenty-three, but I assure you, we're still kids."

She laughed slightly,

"I wish you were! But I'm afraid there's not much I can do now to protect you from the outside world. But then again, you don't seem to need it. I'm very proud of you," she smiled, "of everything you've achieved already. I'm amazed every day at what you're doing, and how well you're handling everything."

I smiled,

"We have come pretty far, haven't we? I can hardly believe it sometimes."

"Yes, you have. It's pretty amazing."

"I know, it really is. I love it so much, everything we do. It's brilliant! You know, to be a band, to play music all the time. And God, having a crowd of people in front of you just going off is the most amazing feeling ever. And you know what the best part is?" I smiled wickedly.

"What is that?" she asked.

"No one ever asks us to turn it down!" I exclaimed as I remembered how she always used to tell us to turn the music down in the evening.

She laughed,

"Ah, if I had known, I would have let you."

"Yeah, sure!" I smiled.

"I'm glad you're all making your dreams come true. You should be proud of yourself, you know ... because it has a lot to do with you that you're all so successful."

This was a nice compliment, but of course it was bound to make me a bit uncomfortable,

"Aw, don't," I begged.

"No Mark, really," she told me. "You know, Robbie was always pretty special as a kid. And now, he still is... But you, I think you were even more special. There's always been something more to you. Something I think your parents could never quite understand. There was more to you than any other kid. You're a jewel, Mark. I can see why Robbie loves you so much."

I could feel my cheeks reddening here, I had never been really at ease with people saying nice things about me. I looked down, suddenly fascinated by my nails, and I guess the expression on my face was betraying me.

"Just because your parents didn't make you feel special doesn't mean that you're not," she said kindly as she placed her hand on mine and squeezed it tight, "you're gonna have to start believing in yourself."

I looked up at her and looked down again,

"I'm trying."

"Maybe you should try a little harder," she said in a whisper. "listen to what Robbie tells you."

"Oh I listen, but I'm not sure I can really trust his judgment." I joked.

"Why can't you?"

"Because, I dunno, he's hardly objective. He seems to think that everything I do is perfect."

"Maybe it is," she said.

I looked at her and chuckled,

"You know, he's hardly objective, and you're hardly neutral."

She smiled at me,

"So, do you think that love just makes him blind?"

I shrugged my shoulders as if to say that it was a possible explanation.

"I don't think he's blind at all," she said.

We grew silent for a moment.

"But you know," I started saying, "sometimes I wish he wouldn't put me on a pedestal like this. I can't help but feel... maybe this is a little too perfect. It's like we have the kind of relationship some people spend their lives trying to find."

"Yes. You're lucky. The only advice I can give is to never take each other for granted," she said.

"I agree. But the thing is ...we've always been there for each other, so I guess, we tend to think it'll always be that way."

"It could be, as long as you communicate with each other, and don't let the little things get in the way."

I nodded and she added,

"Whatever will happen in the next few weeks, it'll make your relationship stronger. Try to be there for Robbie," she added, "because he'll need your support more than ever. It may seem like he can handle the pressure and the critics, but he cares a great deal about what people think of him."

"I know. He doesn't fool me. Don't worry. The thing is that he feels like he needs to protect me, and be the stronger one like he's always been."

"Oh, he's insecure too, you know. He leans on you as hard as you lean on him."

"Yeah, but since we were kids, with my parents and all, he's always...been there for me. He's always given me more than I've given him."

"I don't see it that way. You did give him something. You gave him your friendship. So he wasn't sneaking to your house to escape. He had no obvious reason why he needed you, but he did need you, so much, Mark. I think back then, he already needed you to show him he wasn't different." she told me, I smiled and she continued, "You know, he's always loved you. Not like he does now, but he's always wanted to be there for you. He's always tried to help you .... I've always seen it, you know. I didn't think it would turn out this way. I didn't think you would become lovers... but I've always seen the special love he had for you."

Well, it sure felt good to hear that.

"He made the whole situation with my parents a lot more bearable. You all did!" I said.

"Well, someone had to be there for you," she sighed.

We grew silent for a moment, but I think we both knew where the conversation was headed ; she was the first one to bring it up.

"Your parents know. Your mother came to see me last night. Your brother had told her."

My brows furrowed and I hissed, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what her reaction was.

"Has she told you I was gonna burn in hell?" I sniggered, pretty sure she had to be thinking it.

"No. But she blamed me for it," she said, slightly raising her eyebrows with a baffled expression on her face.

"Why?" I asked, just as puzzled.

"I let you sleep with my son all these years," she snorted.

I just shook my head in exasperation,

"That's ridiculous! Like that's what made us gay!"

"Yes, that's what I told her. I kind of had a row with her. She can be so ignorant."

I agreed and added with anger in my voice,

"You wouldn't have had to do that if she'd been there for me in the first place," I sighed. "You know, you were a better mother to me than she ever was."

"I know. I feel like I've practically raised you."

"You have." I confirmed, making sure she could hear gratitude in my voice, "I don't know what I would've done without you. You taught me so much more than they ever did. I don't think I'd be the person I am today if you hadn't been there for me."

"Oh, don't make me cry," she said sincerely, "I hope someday, you can find the strength to forgive her and talk to her again."

"I don't think I will. I'm done with them," I said, sounding assertive.

"She's your mother," she said softly, trying to convince me to take the first step.

"Yeah, not much of a mother!" I said with resentment.

"She tried to do what was best for you, believe me, she did," she explained, sounding sincere, but I couldn't possibly believe that.

"What was best for me?" I asked her a bit aggravated, "Staying with you all the time was what was best for me? It wasn't right. You can't possibly think that what you had to do was right? How could I ever forgive her? She left me alone, she never cared for me. Oh sure, she fed me, she bought me clothes. Everything a parent is supposed to do. But, barely. Christ, I remember how you had to take me to the doctor once because she wouldn't. I never felt that she loved me. I was never good enough, nothing I did was ever good enough for them."

"Mark," she said softly trying to make me stop, but I wasn't done.

"But... I never felt loved by her. She's always kept a huge distance, and that's not right. I mean, I've always felt so much more love from you than her. She made me feel like I wasn't worthy of love."

"I know," she said, saddened.

"When she let him hit me or talk to me the way he did, and when she let me slip out of the house, she had to know how much she was hurting me. I don't feel like she's ever been there for me, ever. You were. You were there for me. You've made me feel like I was your son too."

"I just tried to give you what she couldn't."

"Couldn't?" I asked, unable to understand.

"Yes, I guess she couldn't," she said sadly.

"How come?"

"Mark, there are things you don't know..."

I waited, but she didn't say more.

"What things?" I finally asked.

"I don't think I should be the one to tell you. It's something your mother should tell you. But I just want you to know that whatever has happened, she does love you. But she's never been able to show it to you."

I was suddenly overwhelmed with unanswered questions,

"Why not? What are you talking about? And why just me? They never treated Thomas or Amy the way they treated me. They were a lot nicer to them. They were all taking it out on me for some reason."

"Yes, I know. And there's an explanation for this. I hope someday, she'll be able to tell you, but I just think you should know that you need to talk to her again."

"I don't wanna talk to her again. Whatever it is, just tell me."

"You've got so much going on right now, don't make me add this, it's not..."

"Jane, you've said too much already. What is it that she should tell me?"

"Mark, I can't be the one to tell you!" she said, shaking her head, she looked worried that I would want to insist on more.

And I did.

"Well, you are gonna be the one to tell me. What is the big secret here? What? Did they adopt me or something?" I said as a joke.

"No... not exactly..." she answered softly.

"Not exactly? What's that supposed to mean?" she was being so cryptic, I needed to know what she was keeping from me.

I could see a few tears forming in her eyes.

"I don't wanna be the one to tell you this. You mother's gonna hate me for good if I tell you."

"I thought she already did. You made me gay, remember! ... Whatever it is, I need to know, and dammit, I have the right to know!"

"You do. You do deserve to know," she sighed.

"Then tell me... cause she won't!" I insisted until she caved.

"Oh god," she took a deep breath and hesitated for a long time.

I just watched her and waited, she looked at me and finally spoke,

"You know how you would always go to France for the summer?"

I nodded.

"When Thomas was two, they used to fight a lot. They had been married for five years, and they kinda hit a rough patch."

I just listened to her, she was not looking at me.

"And during that summer, she got pregnant with you... But..." she stopped talking, for too long...

'But what?"

She looked up at me and took a deep breath,

"She wasn't ... with James... they weren't... having sex."

I just stared at her and she looked down. We didn't say anything. I knew what that meant. I knew what she was telling me. I could see tears forming in her eyes.

"What?" I asked.

There was evident shock in my voice,

"So, you mean, he's not my father?"

She shook her head, no.

"Oh my god!" I just uttered, fully realizing what she was telling me.

"I was her best friend," she continued, "when she found out she was pregnant, I was the first person she told. She couldn't have an abortion in Ireland so I told her to go to England but she wouldn't do it, she couldn't. She was too religious to ever do that. And she was married."

"But your father," I looked up at her when she said this, he was not my father.

She stopped and said,

"James, he knew you weren't his. Their relationship unraveled even more after this but they wouldn't get a divorce. So they just raised you as if you were his son."

She stopped talking again and shook her head as he added,

"But James never accepted this. I don't know how many times I heard him tell her, 'he's your son, you take care of it' when you were a baby."

She was crying as she told me this and the sincerity in her voice almost brought tears to my eyes.

"And then, things got better and she had Amy. But, she had the little girl she had always wanted, and she started being really hard on you. She stopped caring for you even more," she told me with so much emotion in her voice that tears started to fill my eyes.

"You were such a sweet child, and they treated you so bad, I couldn't just watch and do nothing. He was so mean to you, and she'd just let him, because she felt so guilty. I think she never allowed herself to love you."

"Are you alright?" she asked me after a few seconds of silence, as she saw that I was crying.

"I... I don't know. It's quite a bombshell you've just dropped on me."

"I'm sorry. I really wish I hadn't been the one to tell you this. But they've been keeping this from you for so long, and it's been so hard on you. So many times, I told her to tell you the truth. She'd always say she'd tell you when you're old enough to understand. But now, when I see what it's done to your relationship, I just know that she's never going to tell you. But you're an adult now and you need to know this ...and you're right, you have the right to know this."

For a few minutes, I didn't say anything. This was a lot to take in. My eyes were filled with tears, but I wasn't sad or mad, I was shocked. They had lied to me all these years. They had treated me like a non-person because of a mistake she had made. It was not my fault if she had cheated on him, why should I have had to pay for her mistakes? I remained silent.

I was trying to get over this and Jane said,

"I don't think your mother's ever been able to forgive herself for cheating on James, and so she's never been able to treat you as she should 've. I know seeing you every day reminded her of what she'd done. And she used to tell me that you looked a lot like him, which made it worse."

It suddenly hit me that I had a biological father somewhere,

"Do you know who he is?"

"No, I have no idea. And I don't think your mother kept in touch with him at all or even told him. He was just a summer fling."

"My god," I sighed "I'm kind of glad that he's not my father."

"I can understand that," she told me.

I recalled my childhood for a moment and added sadly and dazed,

"This makes so much sense. I was just a bastard child that he had to put up with. That's why he wasn't as hard on Thomas and Amy. How could they make me pay for something I had nothing to do with? Just lies!"

My mind was a bundle of emotions. There had been so many lies, so much deceit. I didn't feel it coming, but I started crying. She hugged me to her and let me cry, caring for me like only a mother could.

At some point, she whispered soothingly,

"You were not a mistake. Your mother's right about something, everything happens for a reason," she took my face in her hands, "alright? It was just meant to be."

I didn't know how much time had passed but when I finally let go of her, I got myself a tissue and a glass of water.

"It's about time you woke up!" She told Rob as he walked into the kitchen.

"What's going on?" he asked worriedly as he gave her a good morning hug and saw that we had been crying.

"Nothing to do with the coming out thing," she reassured him right away.

"Then what is it? Have you been crying?" he asked me with concern, although it was pretty obvious.

"I'm fine", I told him, trying to regain my composure."We were just talking."

"You don't look fine."

Rob wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug, and a few tears kept rolling down my cheeks as he did so. He rubbed my back as his mother started telling him the brief version of what she had just revealed to me, he was completely stunned, I think even more than I was.

"Holy shit, this makes so much sense!" he exclaimed.

"I know right!" I said to him, "Can you believe this? All this time, I had to put up with a stupid abusive asshole who wasn't even my father!"

"Oh this is so fucked up. Are we living in some kind of soap-opera all of a sudden?"

"That's why you don't even look like him, or Thomas! I've always thought that was weird. That's insane. How long have you known about this?" he asked his mother.

"Since.... before you were even born," she answered.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"It was not my place."

"But mum, if you knew that was the reason why they treated him so bad, why didn't you do something?"

"I did do something," she said, raising her voice. "I took him in whenever he needed it. I tried to care for him as much as I could and to make things better with her. What more could I have done? There was nothing more I could do and it was none of my business."

"I know, I'm sorry, I know you did all that. But jesus mum, you should've told us!"

"I couldn't. I didn't even want to tell him today. It's a lot to process!"

We talked about it with her for a while. When there was nothing left to say, we went to the living room and I plopped down on the couch. Rob lay behind me and hugged me tight for a long moment as we talked about it some more.

"I wish there was something I could do," he said after a few minutes of silence.

"Just hold me. You're the only thing that can fix me right now." I said softly.

And he did just that.

We had planned on having lunch all together with Rob's mother so when the guys came over, we told them about it.

"Oh my god," Jordan sighed, "this shit with your parents is never gonna stop, is it?"

"Well, they're gonna die someday!" Damon said.

"Yeah... And then we'll meet again in hell!" I exclaimed with anger.

Rob looked at me with a frown, as if to say, you don't go to hell for being gay'

"Sorry" I quickly apologized, letting him know I didn't really mean that. I didn't even believe in hell or heaven. Our parents were Catholics or Protestants, not all practicing though, but none of us were really that into religion. I wouldn't have said that we were atheists, but quite close to it.

"Then who's your real father?" Dylan asked.

"I dunno. Just some guy," I sighed dramatically, not caring about it that much anymore.

"Maybe she knows more about him than what she told Jane," Jordan added.

"You know what? Can we just stop talking about it? Let's just leave it alone, ok?" I asked them as I stood up and walked away.

"Mark," Rachel called as she followed me. I entered the room where Rob and I kept a few instruments and slumped onto the couch.

"Rach, I'm fine, I just don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Oh come on, don't lie to me! I know you, you're not fine," she said as she sat next to me.

"Rach, don't! It just answers a lot of my questions as to why they always treated me so bad."

"I know how hard it must be for you to take this in. And you probably need Rob more than you need me right now, but if you need to talk, you know I'm here."

"I know."

"No, I mean it Mark. I want you to talk to me. I want to know that you're okay and I want to help you if you're not."

"I know," I told her again, thankful to still have her in my life.

"Yeah you do, but instead of talking to me, or anyone else, you're gonna keep it all inside."

"I won't!" I insisted, trying to make her drop the subject.

"Yes you will!".

She knew she was right, and I knew that she was, but I couldn't really do things any differently.

"You need to talk to your parents about this!" she told me in an assertive tone.

"I don't want to!" I said, shaking my head, there was no way I was going to talk to them again any time soon.

"How can you not want to?" she asked, bewildered.

"What's the point? Jane wasn't even supposed to have told me!"

"But, how can you not want to throw that you know about this in their faces?"

"Well, I don't. I was raised to keep quiet, you know!"

"Well, maybe it's time you stopped!"

"Fine, maybe I will. Can we drop it now? Can we do that?" I insisted.

"Fine." she sighed, finally giving up, she knew there was no point insisting when I had decided not to do something, "You know I love you, right?"

I smiled,

"I know."

There was nothing romantic about that anymore. It was just feelings of friendship but at the same time it was love, just not romantic love. We hadn't said that to each other a lot since we had broken up yet I was completely comfortable saying it to her.

"Ok, so please don't be your usual 'I'll deal with this by myself' alright, don't keep it all inside, you don't need to."

"When am I ever like that?" I joked because I was all the time, I would always try to fix things on my own before asking for help.

We were silent for a moment until she said with a sigh,

"Now, I bet she thinks you being gay is God's punishment," she rolled her eyes and I chuckled.

"And my father will most likely be the first one to comfort her in that thought."

"They are so fucked up!" she exclaimed.

I wrapped an arm around her and hugged her to me for a moment.

"Thanks for always being here for me," I told her as I kissed her forehead.

"You're welcome," she said as she snuggled up to me.

We hung out all together all afternoon and all evening. We couldn't exactly leave the building anyway. I didn't even check social media, I wanted to keep the positive comments I had read the previous night in mind.

With our help, Rob's mum cooked a great dinner for all of us. Soon after we had finished our meal, Rob stood up and went to the room where Rachel and I had talked. He stayed in there for a long time and after half an hour of waiting for him to come back into the living room, I decided to join him. I wanted to be alone with him. I felt like I needed it.

When I opened the door, I blinked once or twice to get my eyes used to the dim light. He was sitting on the couch, cross-legged, and strumming a guitar lazily.

It was resting in his lap and his fingers were sliding along the neck of it with a lover's touch. He had removed his sweat-shirt and was just wearing a white tank top. I could see the muscles in his tanned arms moving as he strummed.

I rested my body against the closed door and just watched him, focusing on the sound of his voice and of his guitar.

He cleared his throat and hummed a few notes. He moved his fingers into an E chord and strummed and hummed louder. He picked out a simple rhythm, but as he opened his mouth to sing, the words must have died. His hand fell into his lap and he slumped over his guitar.

"Christ, Mark!" he complained to me eventually.

I glanced up at him sympathetically. I had been in this sort of rut often enough to know how annoying and frustrating it was. Something in you that's trying to get out, something beautiful, but you can't let it out. Something's holding it back. But if only you could just stop being so afraid, the beautiful thing would come out and everything would be all right. I kept quiet, not knowing what to say. I just watched him. Slowly he raised his head and eyed me suspiciously.

He rested his chin on the curve of his guitar's body,

"I know I've got a new song here but it doesn't seem like it wants to come out."

I walked over to the couch. I took a deep breath and took the guitar from his hands. I placed it on the floor and straddled him. I decided to let my emotions get the best of me, and reached for the back of his neck with both of my hands. I pulled his face against mine, my lips enveloping his own. I felt his hands reaching behind my back as a small laugh moved through his lips and he embraced me.

I didn't care about what anybody thought, my parents, my siblings, my family, our fans, the media, I didn't give a shit about any of them anymore. I loved him and as I kissed him, I knew I would never hunger for another person this much. I would never have this passion with someone else, I was so sure of that.

We kissed lovingly for a couple of minutes until he lay on the couch and I quickly crawled on top of him, my lips hardly ever leaving his own. I didn't know what he thought this meant, and I guess I didn't either, but I knew I wanted him. His arms moved up and down my back as I continued kissing him.

"You taste so good," I said to him, kissing his cheek, letting my tongue slip out a little, them moving to his chin.

He sighed as I started kissing his neck, moving down to his collarbone. I sat back for a moment and Rob sat up as I pulled his tank top over his head and then fell back on top of him, letting our bodies press against each other.

"Oh, God," he sighed in between my kisses.

I looked into his eyes. They were so full of love and I wondered if mine contained the same. I didn't even know how far I was planning on going, I just wanted to feel close to him, to love him, but when I found myself kissing his stomach and untying his jogger pants, I began to get a vague idea. Rob let out a loud moan as my hand slid against his cock, forcing me to remind him that everyone was hanging out in the living room, on the other side of the door.

"Sorry," he whispered. I yanked his pants down and took his gorgeous cock in my hand, staring at it admiringly before taking it into my mouth.

I heard him inhale deeply from above as I moved his legs further apart. I didn't know how much time was passing. I felt like I had been temporarily brought to another plane of existence as I licked his balls and then his cock like it was a lollipop, sucked on the head. I savoured the precum that was easing out of the slit, took him down to the base, smelling his manly scent that was driving me wild.

I was brought back to reality only when I heard him telling me that he was about to cum. I could have decided to move onto another activity, but I just couldn't. I wanted all of him. I couldn't get enough of his taste and smell. I shifted my eyes upward to see his hand reaching up to grab the armrest of the couch as he began to cum in my mouth. Thick loads pumped out of him and I knew he was doing everything in his power to stay quiet.

I swallowed his seed greedily, eventually taking my mouth off of his wet, spent cock. At that moment, I felt content and hard as hell.

Rob sat up to press his mouth against mine, slowly lowering me onto my back as he took my place. He pulled my own pants down and licked the inside of my thighs. He pushed his face into my ball sack, licking anything he came into contact with. Then I felt him grab my hard member and guide it into his mouth. His tongue felt like a velvet rope as I felt it gliding up and down the underside of my cock. His lips formed a tight seal around my cock, creating a small cavern where his tongue had free reign. The sensations were all so familiar.

Rob being highly skilled in every activity he enjoyed, especially when my body was involved, after a few minutes of him licking, sucking and deepthroating my cock, I couldn't take it anymore, and I came in his mouth, my mind briefly thinking that this is how I wanted it to be forever.

After, we lay next to each other, spent. It was just familiar and right. We stayed quiet, contentedly gazing into each other's eyes.

"I didn't expect this," he said, eventually. "I thought you had other things on your mind tonight."

It had been a very long and intense couple of days, and I realized that I hadn't expected any of the things that had happened to happen, including having sex with him.

"You're on my mind," I told him sincerely, "I just wanted you. I don't care what anybody thinks about why we should or shouldn't be together... certainly not what my mother thinks. Even more so now that I know she's been lying to me my whole life. I don't give a shit anymore!" I said resolutely.

"You're absolutely right, I guess I shouldn't give a shit either."

"No you shouldn't." I agreed and after a moment added. "You know what? I just love you. And you're the only person I'll ever be this attracted to in my life, I know that... I could never understand that part," I laughed, "But I've never wanted to fight it. We're just meant to be together, simple as that. I know we can take anything they throw at us as long as we've got each other," I said, nuzzling closer to him.

"I don't know what I've done to deserve you."

"Nothing, you're just yourself. I know you're the only person who will love me no matter what. It's just chemistry, go figure!" I smiled.

"I will." he promised.

"I know."

"For what it's worth, you're the best mistake she's ever made. Whoever that guy is, I'm glad he fucked her," he laughed and I did too.

"Fuck, that's so weird, I can't even imagine her having sex with anyone."

"Must've been quite a stud! Good for her," he joked, " maybe he was the lifeguard in the swimming pool," he added dreamily.

"Come on, stop!" I begged.

We laughed way too hard at this, as he imagined all sort of scenarios. It was a good way to play down the whole thing.

We eventually stopped laughing and I asked him,

"So, tell me about that song you were trying to write when I interrupted you."

"Oh, I don't know. Do you remember what you told me before? When you said you needed me to fix you?"

I nodded.

"I think that's a song right there."

"Yeah? What do you have in mind?"

"I'm not sure. Do you wanna help me?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's do that!" I agreed impatiently.

He told me about the first lyrics he had come up with and I tried to find a good melody. We worked on the lyrics and the melody for about half an hour, until we decided to ask the guys for help.

When we went back into the living room, I noticed there were a few champagne flutes on the table, as well as a beer bottle.

"Hey! We were about to come and get you!" Dylan exclaimed.

Damon added,

"But no one was bold enough to walk in on you, not even Jord!" he laughed as he looked at him with a smile.

"I would've!" Jordan joked.

I laughed,

"We were just working on a song!"

Damon let out a chuckle,

"We're supposed to believe that?"

"We were!" I confirmed with a laugh, "And we actually need your help!"

"Alright," Dylan said, unconvinced, "but we're gonna celebrate first!"

"Are you serious!" Rob said.

"Yeah, very!" Jordan said as he popped open the cold beer bottle and handed it over to Rob, who knew what he had to do. We took part in an old tradition that we had practiced since... well, nearly since the first drink we shared together. Rob took a long drink, then handed it to me. I took a swig from it, then passed it to Dylan, who followed my suit, then Damon, and Jordan was last. He finally gave the bottle back to Rob, who finished what was left. When he slapped the empty beer bottle back on the table, somehow, we just felt more relaxed, ready to just laugh and talk together easily, with no tension in the air, if there'd been any.

We all knelt beside the coffee table and Rachel and Jane joined us.

"Oh, now I'm worried," Jane said, as she saw the bottles of alcohol.

Jordan had placed a few more on the table. "Is this what you boys do when I'm not here?"

"Oh no, no, no, Jane, don't worry," Jordan said in a reassuring tone, "we're being good boys, we only get hammered when you're here so you can supervise," he joked.

She rolled her eyes as Damon picked up the bottle of champagne and proceeded to open it. He removed the foil wrap, placed one hand on the neck of the bottle and maintained pressure with his thumb. Then he removed the wire cage, but he didn't hold the cork firmly. Instead he pushed on it a little, on purpose I'd say. The bottle's pressure popped the cork, and the funniest thing happened. It hit Jordan right on the forehead. If he had wanted to do it on purpose, it wouldn't have succeeded.

"For fucks sake!!!" Jordan yelled and fell onto his back as he rubbed his forehead vigorously to make the pain go away.

Damon poured champagne into the glasses as it was quickly coming out of the bottle,

"Are you okay?" he asked with a laugh.

"No, I'm not. Are you trying to kill me?" Jord complained.

"Let me see," Rachel asked Jordan as she leaned down.

He removed his hand. There was indeed a small red spot on his forehead, but it was nothing to worry about.

"You're fine, you'll survive," she told him, amused, and rubbed the spot. We were all concerned for a second but we quickly cracked up laughing at the unlikeliness of the situation.

"I'm such a good shot," Damon laughed.

"Fuck you, dude!! You're lucky now is not the time to get back at you!"

We seriously had the best fit of laughter. There had been so much tension for the last couple of days that we all needed this, especially me.

We finally all had a sip of champagne and Rob spoke as he moved closer to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Alright! There's something I'd like to say! First, Damon, thank you for that. He had it coming!" he joked, Jordan being the one who had pressured us to come out the most.

"No problem. I'll do it again anytime!"

"You are so ungrateful!" Jordan complained jokingly, "I only have your best interests at heart, and that's how you repay me!"

We laughed and Rob continued,

"Uh, well, I'd like to thank you all for being so supportive. You all know how much that means to us. I mean, I realise that this will have an impact on all of you, not just Mark and me, so, thank you for being such great friends. I'm glad that you're here to help us go through this. It really means the world to us."

"Amen to that!" Dylan said, raising his glass.

They looked at me, waiting for me to say something too,

"You know what, Rob's said it perfectly. I don't have anything else to add."

"Well, I do," Jordan announced.

"It's nice of you to thank us and all," he started, "but seriously, how could we not be supportive? Because, for me, as far as our friendship goes, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I'm not even drunk yet, so rest assured, I'm totally honest! Unless maybe I've got a concussion!" he joked as he rubbed his forehead again. "I think I speak for all of us when I say that we love you and that we're very proud of you. You're our best friends, god dammit, and we just want you to be happy... Actually, what I think, is that we need you to be happy."

"Why is that?" I asked him with a smirk.

" 'Cause, when everyone says that U-N-I's got chemistry! Well, I think that most of that chemistry comes from you and what you've got together. Things wouldn't be the same if you guys weren't together anymore."

We smiled. We knew he was right about that. I didn't even want to think about what would happen to the band if for some reason Rob and I ever broke up. I didn't see any reason why we would, but I could only hope we'd be able to stay friends and still make the band a priority.

"I know it's difficult and scary for you right now but I'm sure than in a few weeks, you won't even remember what it was like to not be out. I know everyone will support you, but even if they don't, it's fine! 'Cause we don't need everyone to be on our side. A little bit of controversy's never killed anyone. Plus I bet you'll have a lot of fun with that, won't you, Rob!"

"I think I will!" he chuckled.

"I know you didn't want to shout it to everyone by making a big announcement, but at least now, you got it out of the way!"

"Yeah," Rachel said, "and can I just say, while we're doing this! I'm so proud of you too cause, well, you're not afraid to let the world see who you are, and everyone will admire you for that, 'cause the more honest and open you are with people, the more they respect you. I'm sure you're gonna be an example to a lot of guys."

"Absolutely!" Jordan agreed. "Hey, if I were gay, I'd be in love with you!" he joked.

Rob chuckled and looked at him lustfully, until Jordan rolled his eyes and exclaimed,

"IF!"

Rob laughed. Lately, we were constantly flirting with Jordan to piss him off because it worked so well. Jordan had always been a pretty boy, but now that he was older, he was fucking hot! He really was attractive, and he knew it too. When it came to his looks, having gay guys as his best friends definitely had its perks and he knew how to take advantage of it. He'd often work out with us or ask for fashion tips. For instance, he'd always ask us,

"Would you snog me?" before leaving for a date to know if he looked good enough.

He knew that if we found him attractive, then he was good to go!

Rachel continued. "I think there's a lot of straight guys who'd love to be in your shoes, and have your looks and your talent," Rachel said, "so maybe that'll force some of 'em to be a bit more open minded."

"Oh yeah, that's true..." Damon started saying, as he seemed to remember an anecdote. "Look at me here, for instance. I tried to look like you guys once. Remember, Rach? And then you had to ground me because I was taking clothes from your wardrobe," he joked.

"See, what did I tell you!" she said with a laugh.

"Are you saying I dress like a girl?" Rob said, pretending to be mad.

"Well I don't own half as many tight t-shirts as you do."

Rob grabbed a pillow and threw it at Damon.

"Yeah, you guys are awesome!" Dylan concluded, "Let's drink!"

We clinked glasses again and drank to a bright future.

We hung out together for a while. It was fun, familiar and comfortable. We eventually told them about the song Rob had in mind. They were immediately enthusiastic about it and Dylan suggested the song should slowly start on the keyboard, with the sound of an organ.

We worked on it until we could barely keep our eyes open. This time, I was tired before Rob was and I was the first one to go to bed, with a frustrating feeling of unfinished work, but the song was off to a good start.

For the next few days, we worked on it. Again, we tried to write lyrics that everyone would be able to relate to in a way or another, and soon it felt finished. It started as a beautiful, intimate, sad and sentimental song, and then we found ways to build suspense while progressing toward an inevitable crashing climax.

We couldn't wait to record it in the studio and to play it live, which was the reason why we knew it was going to be a number one single and one of the fans' favourite. There was no doubt in my mind about this. It was a hit song. It was the first one we completed for the new album, and it made us want to begin to seriously write new material. I already had many ideas in mind. I knew there would be a song about coming out, but it was all too fresh for now.

I'd also had a break up song almost completely written in my mind for a long time, inspired by Rachel, but I'd never wanted to go as far as to record it or play it to to them. I didn't want to hurt anyone, or maybe I couldn't make Rob sing a song about me breaking up with her.

But I knew I had something really good there, and that eventually, I would have to show it to them and that they'd want to record it.

Moreover, we still entertained the idea of working with Bono and Rihanna on this new album, which was exhilarating.

But for now, we were off to a good start with "Fix you". The main lyrics were,

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.