A Different Love - 19. Chapter 19

PART 2 - NATHAN

Chapter 19

A long time had passed by since Connor had left and I was still looking for that illusive long term relationship. Some would say that it was a massive mistake to let him go, that I should have worked harder to make something of it, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t deny my real feelings. I knew that Connor adored me and I really liked him too, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't love him. There was definitely a spark of something there, but it didn't reach the dizzy heights of what I imagined real love would feel like, and now I was beginning to wonder if it even existed! We'd enjoyed each other’s company immensely and the one night of sex we'd shared together had been awesome. But was I looking for something that only existed in slushy romance books or fake on screen performances?

Nothing much had changed in my life since then and although I wasn't unhappy, I certainly didn't feel as alive and fulfilled as I longed to be. I still lived at home in Dryford with mum and dad, still worked in the same computer store in the city and more importantly, was still wedged firmly in the closet. I figured if there was no boyfriend, there was no point upsetting the status quo. Thankfully, Dad's health had been relatively stable since then and I was eternally grateful for small mercies.

After being intimate with Connor, I found it incredibly hard to go without sex during this period and I have to admit to having several one night stands. They didn't mean anything though and for some reason I always felt dirty and used after each one, even though they were always initiated by me.

It was a Wednesday night in early December, just before my 21st birthday, when I first met Nathan. Although I didn't know it at the time, the ramifications of that first meeting would change my life forever, even though it started off as nothing more than a chance encounter.

November had rapidly turned into the worst December I could remember and a thick blanket of snow covered everything in sight. My train from the city had just arrived in Hamborough and I still had to catch a bus home to Dryford. It was a bitterly cold evening as I reluctantly left the railway station, trudging carefully down the hill towards the row of bus shelters at the bottom that were grandly known as the ‘bus station’. The recently gritted road crackled underfoot as I avoided the snow covered footpath, determined to avoid falling over again. Heavy falls of snow interspersed with freezing temperatures had ensured that many footpaths were lethal to walk on and the danger of slipping was ever present. The previous day had proved this only too well! My work in the city involved a twenty minute train journey to the town of Hamborough and then an eight mile bus ride to my home village of Dryford. Yesterday my train had been fifteen minutes late arriving and as I foolishly rushed down the hill to catch the bus, my feet had slid from underneath me before I knew what was happening. Landing on the hard, snow packed footpath was no fun at all and a resultant bruise the size of a dinner plate now covered most of my left thigh and buttock. To add insult to injury by the time I reached the bottom of the hill, the bus was rapidly disappearing around the corner.

Tonight the train was on time and I was dreading the 15 minute wait in the freezing cold, before the bus finally decided to put in an appearance. At this time of year it was invariably late and the combination of cold weather and dark nights made the wait seem endless. There was no one else waiting at the bus shelter tonight and I heaved a grateful sigh of relief. Talking about how bad the weather was seemed to be the only topic of conversation at the moment and tonight I much preferred to be left alone to my own thoughts. Unless it was some unbelievably hot guy of course, but there was as much chance of that happening as the bus turning up on time twice in a row.

Dreaming of a hot cup of tea and a roaring fire, I began to stamp my feet in a vain attempt to keep them warm. The half open bus shelter afforded little respite from the howling wind and freezing cold shivers constantly ran up and down my back. Still in a world of my own, I failed to hear the approaching footsteps crunching through the snow and jumped slightly as a disjointed head suddenly appeared around the side of the shelter.

“Excuse me, is this where the bus to Cranfield leaves from?”

“Erm yes, yes it is” I stammered nervously, immediately beginning to blush “Before I get off though” I added, as if he needed to know that.

He smiled at me and I relaxed a little, for some reason feeling slightly less embarrassed than usual. I suppose he must have been about my age, but I could have been wrong about that. After all, I didn’t realise that Connor was a good few years older than me, but this time I was fairly sure his age was similar to mine.

It was only when he came around the side of the bus shelter, hands thrust deep in his pockets, that I began to appreciate how extremely handsome he was. His cheeks were tinged with pink and his deep blue eyes glistened in the cold wintry weather. He was tall and lean, with tousled blonde hair and a wide smile that lit up his whole face. I couldn’t believe there was a real life Adonis here in Hamborough and I had sudden visions of a lithe well-toned body concealed beneath the tight black jeans and thick padded bomber jacket that clung to his slim body. My interest was immediately aroused as I looked him up and down, inwardly gasping with admiration as his striking good looks took my breath away. I’d always found the combination of blond hair and blue eyes in a guy to be a real turn on and this time was certainly no exception. This must be my lucky night!

“Freezing tonight!” he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together and shivering.

“Yeah, it is” I mumbled, looking away and desperately hoping the bus would turn up soon.

Why did I always want to run a mile when some hot guy spoke to me, when in reality I was longing to get to know him better? It didn’t stop me from stealing another quick glance at him though. He was leaning against the shelter, opening a packet of cigarettes, whilst the back of his jeans cleared an icy patch on the glass. If only my hand could replace that pane of glass, I thought to myself wistfully. I was trying not to make my stare appear too obvious and was just about to turn away again when he moved slightly closer.

“Would you like one” he asked politely, offering me his open cigarette packet.

“No, no you’re ok. I’ve got some”

“Go on, take one!” he insisted “Please”

He clearly wasn’t going to take no for an answer and I reluctantly agreed. “Well only if you’re sure”

“Course I’m sure” he replied, smiling broadly.

I immediately liked him. There was just something about his whole demeanour that instantly attracted me towards him. It wasn’t just the way that his physical attributes set my pulse racing madly. There was more to it than that, much more. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but just standing next to him sent butterflies dancing around crazily in my stomach. Even though I was longing to know more about him, stringing together a decent sentence without feeling completely stupid just didn’t seem possible tonight. Instead, we finished our cigarettes in silence just as the bus came squealing around the corner. I desperately hoped there was a chance he would sit down somewhere near me, so I stood back to let him get on before me.

“No!” he urged, waving me on with a smile “You were here first”

I smiled my thanks between gritted teeth and reluctantly boarded the bus before him. Fumbling in my pocket for loose coins, I purchased a ticket and pretending to put my change away, hung back to hear his conversation with the driver. He purchased a one way ticket to Cranfield and asked him how long the journey would take. Luckily, the driver was one of the more helpful ones and promised to let him know when we were almost there. He followed me down the aisle a moment later and smiling at me again, sank down in a seat on the opposite side of the bus.

“Somewhere warm at last” he remarked, blowing warm air into his cupped hands.

My weak smile of acknowledgement didn’t seem to put him off at all and a second or two later he leant over towards me.

“Have you any idea how long it takes to get to Cranfield?” he asked “I’ve never done this journey by bus before”

It was obvious he was only making polite conversation as he’d just asked the driver the very same question. There was no harm in pretending not to know I’d heard their conversation though and I answered him eagerly.

“About 10 minutes I think”

“Oh thanks. The bus driver said he’d let me know when we get there”

There was an awkward pause and I presumed he was expecting me to carry on the conversation. Unfortunately, another bout of embarrassing shyness had overcome me and I was completely tongue tied and unsure what to say. I was grateful when he came to my rescue with another question.

“Where do you live? he enquired after a moments silence “You said it was after I get off”

“Oh yeah….erm…Dryford. It’s a small village, about 8 miles away”

I didn’t know what else to say and this time he didn’t ask any more questions. He must have decided I was extremely hard work to talk to and we lapsed into silence for the rest of the journey. Every so often I glanced at the darkened window beside me and his reflection from the other side of the bus stared back at me. I took several surreptitious glances in his direction, but the look of mischievous amusement on his face only added to my feelings of self conscious discomfort and each time I quickly looked away, embarrassed to be found staring at him again.

Finally, I fell into a silent reverie and a jumble of thoughts and feelings rushed through my head. I absentmindedly wondered if it was the stranger sitting opposite, reminding me of past events, gone but most definitely not forgotten.

I couldn’t help thinking about the night that Connor and I had made love together. The unbelievably mind blowing experience had constantly filled my thoughts ever since and nothing I’d ever done in my life before could even come close to the way I felt that night. Connor had been such a considerate and caring lover, guiding me gently through the unknown territory of sex with another man. There was no doubt about it, I had an awful lot to thank him for but the problem was that now he was gone, I didn’t have a clue how to fill the massive void he’d left behind. I was desperate to find someone else to share my life with, but even after all I’d gone through, the thought of coming out still filled me with fear and dread.

I knew by then that casual encounters were not for me, so there was nothing for it but to continue as before, forever hoping to meet that special someone.

For some reason my mind began to wander back in time and a jumble of faces from the past suddenly began to appear before me. My school friend Jake with his affectionate smile, Ben sitting opposite me in the woods, grinning as he removed his trousers. Shy Liam at secondary school, cowering from the bullies that constantly haunted him. And then there was Aiden, apologising as usual for his odd behaviour towards me. Then Connor was before me on his knees, frantically tugging at the buttons on the front of my jeans. Within seconds his smiling face had morphed into the strangers sitting opposite me and I smiled with pleasure as it disappeared slowly towards my crotch.

The squeal of brakes and sudden jolt brought me abruptly back to reality as the bus juddered to a halt. Peering out of the darkened window, I was surprised to discover we were already in Cranfield and as if to confirm it, the driver twisted around and shouted down the bus.

“THIS IS CRANFIELD MATE. THE STOP YOU ASKED FOR”

The stranger nodded his acknowledgment and swung himself upwards using the pole that was attached to the seat beside him. He turned towards me with a wide smile on his face and this time, encouraged by his friendly demeanour and easy manner, I actually managed to speak first.

“Thanks again for the cigarette”

He stood facing me for a couple of seconds before winking and nodding his head.

“No problem, see you again”

For a brief second my heart fluttered at his words, before realizing it was just a farewell phrase and it was highly unlikely I would ever see him again. In reality I knew he didn’t mean it literally, but I couldn’t help myself from desperately wishing there was some way I could make it come true.

As he walked towards the door at the front, habit quickly took over and I instinctively lowered my eyes to check out his rear. They immediately became transfixed on one of the most perfect backsides I’d ever seen and my eyes widened in sheer delight. The softly rounded curves of his cheeks pushed firmly against the tight fitting material of his jeans and I longed to gently squeeze and caress them. The well defined outline of his briefs hidden underneath could clearly be seen and I felt the blood rush quickly to my head. My heart ached with desire as I gasped in awe at the breathtakingly beautiful sight that was rapidly disappearing down the aisle. Taking a deep breath, I released the air slowly through my lips, unable to believe that someone I didn’t know could make me feel this way. Despite my initial shyness, meeting him had lifted my spirits to dizzy heights and I couldn’t stop the all too familiar stirring in my loins. As the bus slowly began to pull away, I saw him wave from the side of the road and I quickly waved back, craning my neck to watch him until he finally disappeared from sight.

Meeting him created one of those recurring images in my mind that I couldn’t forget. He made a huge impression on me because he was so striking, but I never actually expected to see him again. He would definitely feature strongly in my thoughts and sexual activities for as long as I could picture his handsome face, before it slowly faded into obscurity.

This time, however, it was different. The very next day, our paths crossed once again and this time they were destined to stay together.