A Different Love - 36. Chapter 36

As I approached the store, a strange sense of fear and excitement washed over me. All the feelings of confusion and insecurity resulting from my confrontation with Aiden returned with a vengeance, and my heart was pumping as I punched in the security code and entered the side door. Uppermost in my mind was the kiss he'd initially forced upon me and the confusion it had caused following my willing reciprocation. The prospect of seeing him again coupled with his blanket denial of what had occurred filled me with uncertainty and dread, and I realised that to pursue the situation would almost certainly have serious ramifications for both of us. I weighed up the situation in my mind. On the one hand I dreaded seeing him again and knew that it was probably best to leave well alone. If he wanted to deny his real feelings and remain in the closet for the rest of his life, then that was his affair. Until a while ago the same could have been said of me, but at least I'd enjoyed an intimate relationship with Connor. I kept coming back to the same line of thought, however. The kiss had been initiated by him! Did that mean I should try and help him come to terms with who he really was, or should I just mind my own business? I foolishly decided on the former and as much as it filled me with trepidation at the thought, decided it was best done as soon as possible.

The staff room was empty when I entered and a cursory glance across the room confirmed that the replacement locker Julie had found for me was still secure. There was just time for a cup of coffee before starting work and as I busied myself making one, thoughts of Aiden still clouded my mind. It was an unbelievably difficult situation and the realisation that I was well and truly stuck between a rock and a hard place was uppermost in my mind. Now that Aiden knew the truth it felt as if my life was spinning out of control and my thoughts were in complete turmoil. The fact that Aiden probably felt a hundred times worse gave me no pleasure whatsoever and I realised to antagonise him would only serve to inflame the situation. I suspected he would simply rely on the fact that people would think it ridiculously impossible he was gay and assume that I was only trying to shield myself from further speculation.

The door opened and closed as I sat hunched over the table with my hands wrapped around the half empty cup of coffee. Lost in a world of my own, I was desperately trying to think of a way to resolve the situation with Aiden before it could be left to fester and become even worse. If that were possible! Tom made me jump slightly as he sat down at the table and gazed at me with a concerned expression on his face.

“Coffee’ll get cold” he pointed out, nodding at the cup.

“Oh right, course” I answered, sipping at the already lukewarm liquid.

“You were miles away Jason”

I nodded at him absent-mindedly and glanced at the clock on the far wall.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, I’m ok… honest” I muttered firmly, pushing the chair back and half standing up “I'm due in the shop, that’s all”

He reached out and put his hand on my arm, insisting I sit down again. “Not yet you don’t”

“Tom! I’ve got to go!”

“Let me guess” he went on, ignoring my protest “Aiden?”

My silence gave him the answer he expected, and his face flushed angrily “What has he done now?”

“Oh, it’s just this gay thing that’s all, he won’t let it go”

“Look, I’m worried about you Jason”

“Don’t be Tom, I’m fine”

He stared at me and I looked away, unable to meet his gaze.

“Jason! It's obvious you're not”

There was no way I could tell him about the kiss, but Tom was no fool and wasn’t going to be put off so easily.

“I still can’t understand why he keeps going on about it” he said, creasing his forehead. “It’s not as if you’ve given him any reason to”

He paused for a second and looked at me intently “You haven't, have you?”

“No, of course not! Well apart from hitting him, that his” I added as an afterthought.

“Mmm, that wasn’t the wisest move you could’ve made” Tom admitted. “Why did you hit him by the way? What did he say to you?

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat before colouring up slightly and looking away to hide my embarrassment.

“He was winding me up about the friend he’d seen me with at the cinema. Saying he was my boyfriend”

I sighed with exasperation and felt the anger rise again “I could’ve put up with that. It made me angry, but not enough to hit him”

“So what did he say to push you too far?" he pressed "It must’ve been pretty bad”

By this time my cheeks were burning, and I could feel my heart beginning to race. It wasn’t really something I wanted anyone else to know, but I was sure that Tom would keep it to himself. I hesitated slightly and stared at the table, before finally deciding to tell him.

“He asked me if I’d sucked his cock yet”

Tom shook his head in disgust before responding angrily “I’m not surprised you hit him! He deserved it for that remark”

I nodded in agreement, but still wished at the back of my mind that it hadn’t happened. “Now he won’t stop going on about it”

His face was full of concern and apprehension as he stared at me, clearly embarrassed by what he was about to say. “Look Jason, I’m really sorry to ask you this again and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way, but….well are you? Gay I mean”

I exploded in anger and my chair scraped on the floor as I quickly stood up. “Fucking hell Tom!! I thought you were on my side”

“Hey, come on Jason!" he exclaimed, urging me to calm down "I am on your side, you know that. Sit down again” he begged “Please”

My anger gradually began to dissipate, and I reluctantly sat down in my seat again. There was a deafening silence as neither of us knew what to say next and Tom put his hand back on my arm.

“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of you know” he urged in a low voice “It’d be a boring old world if we were all the same”

The pressure to admit my true feelings was overwhelming and there was a split second of hesitation, as a burning urge to reveal the truth rushed to the surface. I was just about to finally admit it to him when I remembered that Nathan was picking me up and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There was a very real possibility that tonight, Nathan may meet some of my colleagues and I definitely didn’t want him to hear about it. An expression of disbelief spread across Tom’s face as he noticed my slight hesitation. Shaking his head, he looked resigned to the fact that he wasn’t going to get any further.

“Look, why you don’t tell Mr. Buchan?” he suggested, desperately trying to think of a way to help “He’ll soon put a stop to it”

“I don’t want to cause any trouble”

He exploded with indignation and a look of utter disbelief crossed his face. “Trouble! He spluttered incredulously “It's Aiden that's causing you all the trouble for god’s sake. Look at the state of you”

I gave an involuntary sigh of despair. Unfortunately, since the kiss, I was now dealing with a whole different ball game, but I couldn't bring myself to enlighten him. Instead, I tried unsuccessfully to reassure him

“I’m ok Tom, honest”

“No Jason, you’re not ok” he hissed angrily “It’s time you did something about it.”

“I can’t.....it’s....it's...complicated.....look you don’t understand Tom, leave it alone...... please”

I stared at him helplessly, desperately trying to stop the onset of tears. The frustration and anguish inside me threatened to overflow at any moment and I silently prayed he would let the subject drop. He appeared to change tack when he sensed how upset I was becoming, and I gave an involuntary sigh of relief.

“I never told you about my kid brother, did I?” he said in a low voice.

“No, you didn’t” I answered warily, wondering what on earth was coming next.

A warm smile broke out on his face as he began to describe him “Chris was a great guy. Full of fun, always laughing and joking”

He sounded a lot like Nathan I thought to myself, as he carried on. The feeling of uneasiness was still there however, and I wondered why he was telling me this now.

"He had a really friendly and outgoing nature, loads of mates at school and everything”

He must have thought I was going to get up again as his grip on my arm tightened slightly, letting me know he was determined to finish. Had it been my other arm I would have yelped with pain but as it was, I remained seated, resigned to the fact I would have to listen to him until he finished his story.

“When he was about sixteen, he gradually became more and more depressed. We couldn’t seem to do anything to help him. My parents took him to the doctors, but they were still none the wiser. He wouldn’t go out and then he even stopped eating. We were all really worried about him”

By this time, I’d become intrigued by his story. The feeling of uneasiness was still there as the possible reason for his narrative slowly began to dawn on me. Torn between wanting to know how the story ended and a fear of the consequences that could follow, I couldn’t help myself from urging him to continue. “So what happened next?”

He smiled at me in triumph, knowing he had my undivided attention. “One weekend mum and dad had an important appointment in London that they couldn’t get out of. It meant they had to stay overnight and the last thing they wanted to do was leave him alone in the house. He flatly refused to go with them, so they asked me to keep an eye on him. At the time I was living with my girlfriend in Hamborough but I thought the best thing to do would be to move back home for the weekend.”

He rolled his eyes and let out a huge sigh of relief before continuing. "I’ll always be grateful I made that decision.”

My heart was pumping with fear and anticipation as I urged him to go on. “Why, what happened?”

A frown crossed his face as he recalled the events in his mind. “We were watching a boring film on television and I must have fallen asleep. One minute he was locked in a world of his own sitting beside me......"

He became visibly upset at this point and guessing what the rest of his sentence would be, I finished it for him.

“……and when you woke up, he was gone”

“Yeah, that’s right!”

“I started to panic, desperate to find him. All sorts of things were going through my mind. With the state he was in who knows what might have happened to him”

I held my breath, hoping the story had a better outcome than the tragedy that had happened to Nathan's sister.

“The next few minutes were a blur as I rushed through the house searching every room. By this time blind panic was setting in and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d somehow let everyone down”

As he paused and took a deep breath, I began to appreciate how much the experience had affected him.

“You must have felt awful” I said sympathetically

“I did! But then I suddenly had an idea.” he continued excitedly “Whenever he’d been naughty as a youngster or upset about something, we’d always find him hiding in the walk-in wardrobe in mum and dad’s bedroom. It was one of his favourite places and if he ever went missing that’s where he would be, sitting in the dark on his own”

For some reason my heart began to race and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

“I rushed up the stairs two at a time and flung open the door!”

He paused before continuing and a look of sadness crept over his face. “And there he was!”

By this time I was desperate to know if he was alright or not and my voice dropped to a whisper. “He was ok though? I mean…he wasn’t.....…” I asked apprehensively, afraid to finish the question

“Yeah, he was ok! If you can call it ok” he answered, shaking his head in despair. “He was sitting against the wall with his knees pressed up against his chin, clutching a bottle of pills. The skin on his hand had gone white from holding them so tightly. I had to prise the bottle away”

I let out a sigh of relief to find out he was ok, and my heartbeat slowed to its normal speed “Had he taken any?”

“No thank god. But I’m sure I got there just in time. I can tell you Jason, I’ve never been so frightened in all of my life”

“Jesus Tom! What did you do?”

The corners of his mouth turned upwards into a half smile as he thought about what happened next. “You’re not going to believe what I said to him”

"What?”

He tutted and shook his head as if he couldn’t believe it. “Looking back, it seems quite funny now but it certainly wasn’t at the time. He hesitated at this point and the smile turned into an expression of incredulity. I said to him……Chris, why don't you come out?”

My heart sank as the point of telling his story hit home and I took a sharp intake of breath.

“It was a perfectly innocent remark” he continued “I never even thought about the double meaning until he gave me a look of horror and burst into tears. Of course then it dawned on me what was wrong with him. What had been wrong all along”

“He was gay”

“Yes Jason, he was gay” he said pointedly

The words ‘just like you’ hung in the air but we both knew that they might as well have been spoken out loud. By this time my heart was beating madly again, and my forehead was damp with perspiration.

“I put my arm around his shoulder and pulled him towards me. He sobbed his heart out for ages and when he finally lifted his head up, the front of my shirt was soaking wet. I felt so sorry for him, it was heart breaking. I couldn’t believe what he must have gone through. The upset and the misery, all for something he had no control over”

“Did you manage to get him to open up?

“Yeah, eventually I did. He said later on that the feeling of relief when he’d finally told someone was unbelievable. Until then he thought his life was over, so he might as well end it”

I could feel the colour draining out of my face as Tom shot a meaningful look in my direction. “Anyway, we had a long talk about it and in the end agreed to tell mum and dad together. They were really understanding, just glad to know what was wrong with him at long last.”

I heaved a sigh of relief, glad that the story had a happy ending.

“He gradually returned to his old self and he’s never looked back since”

“Where is he now?”

“Oh, he lives with his boyfriend in Hamborough. They’re really happy together”

He paused for a while and looked at me with a worried expression on his face, clearly unsure if he should go on or not. “The thing is Jason…… I don’t want you to have to go through even a small part of what he went through”

I bowed my head in silence and the threat of tears returned with a vengeance.

“Come on mate, things are never as bad as they seem” he said, rubbing my shoulder encouragingly “Just talk to me!”

It was the same thing I’d urged Nathan to do more than once, so how could I ignore my own advice.

My confused feelings rushed to the surface once again and with the emotional turmoil of Tom’s story still overwhelming me, I couldn’t help them finally spilling over. I lifted my head and took a deep breath before staring at him intently. In a barely audible voice that shook with emotion, I finally responded to his prompting.

“Ok Tom, you’re right......... I am gay!”

The sound of the words echoed inside my head and I couldn’t believe that at long last I’d actually told someone else. A huge sigh of relief escaped my lips as the magnitude of what I’d done hit home. There was no going back now, and I knew that this would be a major turning point in my life. I swirled the cold cup of coffee around and stared at him with acute embarrassment, mentally praying that I hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of my life. I gazed at him with a desperate expression etched across my face

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“No, of course not!” he answered indignantly “Who you tell and when has got to be your decision Jason. But you know you can always count on my support if you need it”

The sense of relief was enormous, and I felt as if a huge load had been lifted off my shoulders “Thanks Tom, I really appreciate that. At least I don’t feel like such a freak, now that someone else understands”

“You’re not a freak Jason! Don’t ever think that” he said, smiling at me encouragingly “You’re just different that’s all. But different in a good way! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise”

Different! There was that word again, reverberating inside my head.

“The question is, what are you going to do about Aiden? he asked worriedly “Do you want me to have another word with him?”

A shiver ran up my back at the thought of having to face him, but I was determined to try and resolve the situation on my own. Even for all my honesty, I couldn't bring myself to mention Aiden's kiss.

“I don’t think it’ll do much good to be honest Tom”

“It’s worth a try though” he said eagerly “I don’t want you to hit him again”

“Don’t worry; I won’t be doing that” I answered with certainty “That’s how it all started in the first place”

“Yeah, well just remember who started it!” Tom said firmly “He shouldn’t have said what he did”

Although he only wanted to help me, I was desperate for Tom to agree and I stared at him beseechingly. “Look, just let me have one more try at talking to him Tom”

He gazed at me reluctantly before finally agreeing “Ok Jason, whatever you think. But if it doesn’t work out, we’ll deal with it together. Right?”

“Thanks Tom”

I gave him a grateful smile, eternally thankful that he was being so understanding.

“So, this guy then” he was saying, with a smile on his face “The one that Aiden saw you with at the cinema. Is he by any chance....erm.....someone special?”

“No, no it’s nothing like that” I answered, colouring up slightly.

“I’ll believe you Jason” he laughed “Thousands wouldn’t”

I tried as hard as I could to sound convincing “Tom, it’s true!”

He shook his head and gave me a final look of disbelief before changing the subject.

“Anyway, I hear you’re not coming to the Christmas party tomorrow night” he said, sounding genuinely disappointed.

“Yeah, it’s my birthday. I’m going out for a meal instead”

“Oh, I see!" he answered, stressing his words "And can I ask who with?”

“Oh......you know, just a friend” I answered vaguely.

My head dropped to study the table and he lifted my chin to face his amused stare. “That wouldn’t be the same one you were with at the cinema, by any chance would it?” he asked with a grin.

“Well yeah, as a matter of fact it is" I answered coyly....but he’s erm.......”

“Yeah, I know Jason” he interrupted, grinning broadly “He’s just a friend!”

A smile crept over my face at Tom’s gentle ribbing. If that was all I ever had to contend with for being gay, life would be heaven. But if my experiences with Aiden were anything to go by, major problems lay ahead.

Just at that moment the door burst open and in walked the supervisor with a frown on her face. “Ah, so this is where you're hiding out, is it Jason?” she said in an annoyed voice “You should have been in the shop ten minutes ago, it’s really busy out there”

“Sorry Julie, that’s my fault" Tom quickly volunteered "I kept him talking”

She was clearly stressed, and I jumped to my feet and quickly followed her out of the door.

“I haven’t got time to come looking for you Jason” she called out over her shoulder “We’re short staffed today as it is”

"Sorry Julie. Who’s not here?”

She stopped at the end of the corridor and her brow creased in annoyance. “Aiden of course! He's gone off sick......yet again”

My brow creased in puzzlement. Aiden seemed to be off an awful lot lately, yet when he came back there didn't appear to have been anything wrong with him. What's more he never seemed to get into trouble for it and I couldn't help feeling there was more to the situation than met the eye. Julie immediately seemed to regret her outburst and rushed to lessen its impact.

"Oh well, I'm sure he has a good reason"

My eyebrows shot upwards in surprise. Now I really did know there was something amiss and her change of attitude only confirmed my suspicions. The possibility that Aiden could be under some kind of pressure meant I would have to tread even more carefully and may even be adding to his irrationality.

We entered the store, and I could see what Julie meant. It was thronged with people and I was soon immersed in work, immediately surrounded by customers requiring attention.