A Different Love - 7. Chapter 7

There was one major surprise in Samson’s that even now I struggled to get my head around. It came as a huge shock one Saturday night to bump into Marc Harris coming out of the toilet, and if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed it possible. At first I just stepped back and gaped at him with my mouth open, completely unsure what to do or say. He looked like a scared rabbit caught in the headlights of a car and clearly didn’t have a clue how to respond either. I was absolutely stunned to see him standing in front of me in a gay bar. Of all the people in my class at school, he was the very last one I would have expected to see. He’d had a string of different girlfriends all the way through school and he was the confident, archetypal kind of straight guy that everyone aspired to be like. He didn’t seem to have much confidence at the moment though and after a few seconds of silence he gave a nervous laugh and his voice shook as he stuttered a greeting.

“Oh…erm….Jason! How…how are you doing?”

“Hi Marc! I didn’t expect to see you in here?”

“No” he answered, anxiously looking around “It’s not really my kind of place. It’s the girlfriend you see…she insisted”

“Ah, the girlfriend, I see. That explains it”

It could have been true as girls did occasionally manage to drag their boyfriends in here, but I didn’t believe a word of what he was saying and from the look on his face neither did he. If what I suspected was true however, I did know how he felt and the last thing I wanted to do was cause him any further embarrassment.

“Anyway, better go” he went on “She’s waiting outside”

He looked over his shoulder uneasily and was just about to leave when a guy came out of the toilet and draped his arm around Marc’s shoulder. He leant in towards him and kissed his cheek, before gently grasping his chin and turning his face towards him. There was only marginal resistance from Marc who had obviously decided the game was up and they both began to kiss each other passionately on the lips in front of me. Eventually they pulled apart and Marc turned towards me with an expression of resignation and embarrassment on his face.

“This is Graham” he said simply “My boyfriend”

It took me a second or two to respond and all I could do was nod my head and reach for Graham’s outstretched hand. After a few more seconds the power of speech returned and I struggled to accept what Marc had said, still reeling from their totally unexpected display of affection.

“Oh, ok...erm...pleased to meet you Graham. I’m Jason. Marc and I are old school....erm”

I was just about to use the word friends but thought better of it. Marc and I couldn’t really be described as friends, more like classmates. Unlike certain others though, he’d always been perfectly pleasant towards me and I’d never had a reason to dislike him. Even when all the problems with Liam kicked off, he never treated either of us badly and now I knew the reason why.

“We used to go to school together” I said instead

“Why don’t you join us for a drink Jason?” Marc suddenly asked.

A surprised look crossed my face and I smiled at him in devilment “Oh, I thought you were going Marc”

“No, we’re not going” laughed Graham, with a puzzled look on his face “We’ve only just got here, haven’t we Marc?”

Marc looked slightly uncomfortable as he was about to answer and feeling a bit guilty, I jumped in to save him any further embarrassment.

“Oh sorry Marc, I’m getting you mixed up with someone else I was talking to. I’d love to join you for a drink”

We sat down in one of the booths and Graham went off to buy our drinks.

“Thanks for not mentioning the girlfriend thing Jason, I panicked back there. I’m still trying to get my head around all of this”

He gestured with his arms to take in all of the room, but I knew that he meant the whole gay thing and not just this place.

“I couldn’t believe it when I first saw you Marc! How long have you known that you were…..erm......you know…?

“Gay?”

“Well yeah”

“I suppose I’ve always known really Jason, but I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it. I tried so hard to make it go away”

He gave a deep sigh and shook his head sadly “Bet you think I’m a right hypocrite now don’t you? Dating all those girls at school”

“Don’t be daft Marc, of course not! I’m just surprised that’s all. I think we were all a bit confused back then. I know I was!”

At that moment Graham came back with a tray of drinks and set them down on the table. He sat down and immediately rested his hand on Marc’s knee, gently stroking it. I smiled and glanced at them enviously, wishing that I had someone too.

“You’re not as surprised as some people were” answered Graham, leaning across to kiss his boyfriend affectionately on the cheek.

They held hands and I could see their knuckles turn white as they squeezed them tightly together. Marc’s expression had changed to one of sadness, and the disappointment and frustration in his voice was evident to hear.

“Yeah, my dad wasn’t too pleased!”

“You can say that again!” confirmed Graham, turning towards Marc “He threw you out, didn’t he?”

My mouth dropped open in shock and I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so bigoted. To throw your own son out, just because he’s gay! A shiver ran up and down my back as I wondered how my own parents would react.

“He threw you out!!” I exclaimed “That’s so harsh?”

“Dad couldn’t deal with it” Marc began to explain dejectedly “He just told me to pack my things and go”

His voice began to tremble and Graham quickly took up the story, putting his arm around Marc’s shoulder.

“We’ve known each other for quite a while now, you know, just as friends. Both our dad’s work together, so that’s how we first met”

“About a year ago wasn’t it? he said, looking to Marc for confirmation.

He nodded his agreement and Graham carried on talking “We were always at each other’s houses and sometimes I stopped over at Marc’s. I used to sleep on an airbed in his room”

He gazed at Marc affectionately “I’d fancied him for ages, but I didn’t want to do anything about it in case it ruined our friendship”

At this point Graham paused and Marc once again took up the story. They glanced at each other and smiled, knowing what was coming next.

“One night my dad was out and we’d had a bit too much to drink. Graham was staying over and when it was time for bed we started having a pillow fight and he suddenly fell backwards onto the airbed. It burst with a bang and we both collapsed into a heap laughing”

Marc paused to take a drink before continuing “Graham said he’d sleep on the floor but there was no way I was going to let him do that. I’d secretly fancied him for ages as well and this was the answer to all my prayers. I wasn’t about to let such a perfect opportunity slip by, so I insisted he slept in the bed beside me”

“It was like a dream come true” broke in Graham, smiling at Marc. “Every time we touched it was like fireworks exploding. To be quite honest, I don’t know how we’d managed to keep our hands off each other for so long”

“It’s a pretty small bed” chuckled Marc, carrying on with the story “You can’t hide much, so when I realized that Graham had an erection the size of a cucumber that he couldn’t seem to get rid of….well, the rest’s history”

“I think you might be exaggerating a bit there Marc” Graham laughed, reddening slightly. “Perhaps three quarters of a cucumber!”

He gazed at me directly and with a concerned tone in his voice suddenly asked “We’re not embarrassing you, are we Jason?”

“No, course not! I just wish that I could meet someone to make me as happy as you two obviously are”

“It all kicked off the following morning” Marc went on “We were erm…well I won’t go into details, but you know what I mean”

“We were making love” interrupted Graham, firmly “Two people, head over heels in love with each other, making love. You’d think we were about to blow up the house!”

“Dad came in and caught us” explained Marc “He went absolutely ballistic!”

Graham sighed and shook his head “He went bright red with shock. I thought he was going to have a heart attack”

I could tell that Marc was deeply regretful about what had happened. “I just wanted to tell him about our relationship myself, try and explain what it meant to me” he exclaimed bitterly “But he wouldn’t even give me a chance”

“I suppose it was a lot to take in all at once” added Graham, sighing loudly “It’s pretty unusual to walk in on your only son having sex with another guy”

“Yeah, but he won’t even listen now that he’s had time to cool off” Marc exclaimed

“What about your mum? Does she understand the situation any better?”

The sadness was etched across his face as he struggled to answer and Graham gazed at him with anxiety and concern. All he could manage to say were two short words before a single tear ran down his face. “She’s dead”

There was a hushed silence and I suddenly remembered that she’d died just before we left school. I felt incredibly sorry for him and realized that his pain was twofold. Not only had he lost his mum and didn’t have her to talk to anymore, but his dad wouldn’t talk to him either. Unfortunately, it was often the case that a mother was much more supportive about such things and would often talk her husband round and help him to understand. Marc didn’t have the luxury of that, but at least he had Graham and they clearly loved each other a great deal.

“We’ve got a flat together now” Marc went on, cheering up considerably as he looked at Graham.

“And you don’t see your dad anymore?”

“No” he sighed “But who knows, he might come around one day”

They leant in and kissed each other again and Graham gave Marc a supportive hug.

“So what about you Jason?” he asked as a smile crossed his face “I take it you’re not here to read the electricity meter”

“No, I’ve had far too many shocks in here already” I chuckled.

For a split second I considered denying it, but sitting in a gay bar was definitely a slight give away. It was the first time I’d spoken the words out loud, but it slipped off my tongue remarkably easily.

“I’ve always known I was gay Marc. Ever since I knew what it meant”

“Same here” added Graham “I don’t ever remember feeling any different”

There was a slight frown on Marc’s face as he struggled to remember the past “Now you come to mention it I don’t ever recall you having a girlfriend at school” he remarked “Now I know why”

“We do have one thing in common from those days though”

“Yeah?” he said with a puzzled expression “What’s that?”

“We both had a date with Lucy Collins”

“Oh yeah” he laughed “I’d forgotten all about that”

I could immediately tell by the way he looked at me that he was fully aware of what had happened.

“I didn’t even know you knew about it” I exclaimed, not even bothering to ask him “They were supposed to keep quiet about it!”

“Did you really think that a bunch of teenage girls could keep quiet about something like that?”

I shook my head, wondering why I ever thought they would in the first place “Mmm, probably not”

There was a pause as both Marc and I recalled the incident from our school days. It was quite funny now, but back then I’d suffered so many mixed feelings of anger, relief and embarrassment.

“Don’t keep me in suspense guys” said Graham impatiently “what happened?”

“Basically, the hottest girl in class asked me out on a date just to find out if I was gay or not”

Graham’s eyebrows shot upwards in surprise and his voice rose in disbelief “You’re joking!”

“No joke!” I sighed, glancing at Marc “It’s true”

“I’m afraid it is" he confirmed, trying to keep a straight face.

“What happened?” asked Graham

“Jason passed the straight test with flying colours, didn’t you?” explained Marc, unable to stifle a laugh

“Yeah, but don’t ask me how!”

“So how did you know the date was fake?” enquired Graham

“I heard Lucy telling her friends all about it the following day”

Graham’s voice rose again as he struggled to comprehend how someone could do that and his eyes opened wide in astonishment. “Unbelievable!”

Talking about the incident with Lucy Collins had made the long-forgotten feelings from my schooldays come flooding back and I frowned slightly.

“Then they told the rest of the class” exclaimed Marc

“I didn’t know that!” I exclaimed “Why did no one tell me?”

“Jason, you weren’t exactly the easiest person to talk to back then!” he remarked “Probably no one dared, you seemed to be in a bad mood for most of the time and you had an even worse temper”

I sighed and nodded my head in agreement. It was a period in my life when I hadn’t been particularly happy. What had happened with Liam affected me really badly and most of the time I’d withdrawn into a world of my own.

“I guess that was mainly to do with Liam?” Marc said quietly, clearly reading my thoughts.

I couldn’t help giving him an accusing glance, but at least he had the good grace to redden slightly.

“I couldn’t handle the way that people treated him because I knew exactly how he felt” I admitted “No one deserves to be treated like that”

“You’re right Jason, and I’m really sorry I did nothing to help you. I feel so bad about that right now”

“It’s all right Marc, don’t worry about it. I know the reason why and it’s all in the past now anyway”

There was an awkward silence and Graham quickly jumped in to clear the slight air of tension that had built up between us.

“So what about you Jason?” he enquired, smiling at me “Have you met anyone yet?”

“If only!” I exclaimed wistfully “It took me long enough to pluck up the courage to even come in here in the first place. Never mind asking anyone out”

I glanced at them both with a sheepish grin on my face. “I know that sounds stupid and pathetic”

“Of course it doesn’t” stressed Marc “It’s difficult for all of us. But you’ve taken a huge step just coming in here. You don’t need to rush things”

“Do your parents know?” asked Graham in a sympathetic tone

I chewed nervously on my fingernail before responding “You’re the first people I’ve ever actually told.....” My voice trailed off as the enormity of what I’d just admitted overwhelmed me.

“Oh wow! That’s awesome Jason” Graham exclaimed, as his eyes lit up “See, another big step forward”

I smiled at Graham and Marc’s concerted efforts to reassure me.

“Don’t worry Jason, you’re bound to find someone soon” cut in Marc “You weren’t exactly at the back of the queue when they gave out looks, you know”

“Give over Marc” I answered, colouring up with embarrassment

“It’s true” stressed Graham, beginning to smile at me mischievously. He indicated with a nod of his head that he was about to wind Marc up and I had a pretty good idea what was coming next.

“You’re so good looking, I even fancy you myself!”

Marc’s mouth dropped open and Graham and I couldn’t help collapsing with laughter at the expression of shocked surprise that appeared on his face. He punched his boyfriend playfully in the arm as soon as he realized it was a wind up and we eventually managed to stop laughing.

“As if I ever could” Graham said, hugging his boyfriend and kissing him on the lips

“Anyway Jason, talking about boyfriends, you’ve definitely got an admirer” observed Marc, glancing over my shoulder. “That barman is definitely interested. He hasn’t taken his eyes off you ever since we sat down”

I was just about to turn around when I saw Connor approaching, carefully balancing a tray of empty glasses in his hands. As he passed by, my eyes instinctively dropped to check out his rear and I reddened with embarrassment as he turned around and winked at me, knowing exactly where my eyes would be. He stopped and carefully placing the tray on the next table, began wiping it, even though it was already clean.

He greeted me enthusiastically “Hi Jason. How are you?”

“I’m great Connor, thanks”

“You two know each other already?” hissed Graham in my ear “He’s absolutely gorgeous!”

“Ssh!” I warned him, hoping he hadn’t heard Graham’s comments.

Connor was the barman who’d made some cheeky remark about how nice my arse was on the first night I’d visited Samson’s. There had been an almost instant attraction between us and from the way he responded to my clumsy attempts at chatting him up, it was obvious that he felt it too. So far the only thing that had taken place between us was harmless flirting, but I think we both knew there was a distinct possibility that it could develop into something more serious.

“I need to talk to you Jason” he said, looking slightly embarrassed at the interest he was attracting from Marc and Graham.

I swallowed nervously and my heart skipped a beat. The nervous excitement in Connor’s voice immediately set alarm bells ringing.

“Look, I’ve got a break in about half an hour. Will you meet me outside at the back door?”

“Yeah ok. But what do you…..”

He was gone before I could finish asking the question and I turned back towards Marc and Graham who were grinning at me like a pair of Cheshire cats. I turned as red as beetroot and stared at their amused faces.

“What?”

Graham immediately grabbed Marc’s shoulder and whispered to him in a ridiculously exaggerated voice “Meet me at the back door in half an hour” he pleaded “Something big has come up!”

“I don’t think you’ll be alone in bed tonight” Marc added, rubbing my shoulder playfully.

“Get lost” I smiled back at them, shaking my head at their gentle ribbing.

“Seriously Jason, what do you think he wants?” asked Marc

I shrugged my shoulders in puzzlement, asking myself the same question. Normally Connor was always laughing and joking. I’d never seen him as serious as this before.

“I suppose I’ll find out in half an hour” I answered, raising my eyebrows.

We carried on talking but my continued glances at the clock made the time drag by. I found myself concentrating less and less on what Marc and Graham were saying as I became increasingly apprehensive about Connor’s request. What did he want to talk to me about that couldn’t be said in front of anyone else? I think at the bottom of me, I already knew, but I daren’t admit it to myself, just in case I was wrong.

The half hour was finally over and my legs seemed to have turned to jelly as I struggled to stand up. By now my stomach was churning with anticipation and I smiled weakly at Marc and Graham.

“It was really good to see you again Marc” I said, shaking hands with them both “And nice to meet you Graham”

“Yeah you too” they both chorused at the same time.

“I hope it works out for you Jason” Marc added “You deserve to find someone”

“Let us know what happens” exclaimed Graham excitedly “but whatever he wants, make sure you say yes! He’s absolutely gorgeous”

I shook my head and smiled back at him, secretly thrilled to find out what he wanted.

Connor was already standing at the back door smoking a cigarette when I went outside, and his face lit up when he saw me approaching

“Cigarette?” he said, offering me the packet.

My hand began shaking as I reached out for one “Thanks Connor”

He offered me a light and as I cupped my hand around the cigarette to protect it from the breeze he leant forward and gently placed his hands over mine to stop them shaking. He left them there for a second or two longer than was necessary, but the simple act of affection finally made me admit to myself that he wasn’t here to talk about the weather.

“Look Jason, I’ll come straight to the point” he said, staring at me apprehensively “I’m not very good at this sort of thing, but well….I just wanted you to know that.......I like you!”

He fell silent and took a deep drag on his cigarette, anxiously waiting for my response. I was well aware he wasn’t talking about friendship and my heart skipped a beat as I nervously answered him.

“I like you too Connor”

It was obviously what he wanted to hear because he smiled broadly and relaxed slightly before continuing.

“A lot” he added, releasing a long plume of smoke into the night air “I like you a lot”

Butterflies began racing around in my stomach as I realized that this was what I’d been hoping would happen and for a second or two my inexperience made me unsure how to respond. I took a long drag on my own cigarette, holding the smoke in the back of my throat until it began to sting. This was a first for me and every muscle in my body was tensed with fear and apprehension. The smoke came rushing out and I swallowed anxiously before replying, knowing that my answer would send me spinning into a world of uncertainty with no way back. My breathing came in short gasps and my heart thudded uncontrollably as I finally managed a coherent reply.

“I feel the same way about you Connor”

He seemed surprised and his eyes widened in delight “You do?”

“Of course. I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages”

He visibly relaxed and a huge smile broke out on his face “I’d like to take you out for a drink, if that’s ok?” he asked, before tentatively continuing “Will you come with me?”

“You mean…like a date or something?”

“Yeah, exactly that!”

His earnest expression made my heart thump and the blood rushed to my head as I enthusiastically agreed “Yeah, of course I will! I’d love to”

He immediately threw his half smoked cigarette to the ground and clamping his hands around my waist, drew me in towards him. As our lips pushed together in a passionate kiss, my eyes momentarily closed and for the next few seconds I drifted skywards to heaven. When we finally pulled apart, his left hand had slid into the back pocket of my jeans and he began firmly caressing my cheek through the rough denim material.

“I’ve been plucking up the courage to ask you for ages” he admitted “but I thought you might not want to”

His voice tailed off as he saw the incredulous expression cross my face.

“Course I do!” I quickly reassured him “I’m so glad you asked me”

“That’s fantastic Jason. I’ve always wanted to get to know you better since the first day we met” he exclaimed “I think you’re amazing!”

My heart raced and it was hard to describe the feeling of exhilaration and excitement that surged through my body. Before I could respond he dived in for another kiss and I gasped as we pulled apart to take in air. My whispered reply could only just be heard as I hugged him close.

“You’re not so bad yourself!”

By this time I had a huge erection and Connor had buried both his hands deep in my back pockets, pulling me in towards him. He must have felt my hardness urgently pushing against his own but he carried on gently massaging the soft flesh of my buttocks. Suddenly one of his hands slipped between us and began gently exploring the front of my jeans. I immediately pulled away, frightened by the more intimate contact.

“Connor! I can’t…..I mean…not here!”

The urgency in my voice made him look at me with an expression of alarm on his face and his eyes opened wide. “Oh god, sorry Jason, I was getting carried away. That was far too much, far too soon”

“No no it’s ok Connor” I gasped breathlessly, quickly interrupting “There’s no need to apologise. It’s not your fault”

“What then Jason? he asked, as his face creased in puzzlement

“It’s just that…oh god this is so embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m actually saying it…..”

I mentally kicked myself for being so stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Here was someone that I’d fancied for ages and seconds ago had been passionately kissing, yet I wouldn’t let him take things that little bit further, even though I was dying to. The only problem was that now it had come down to admitting it, I found that saying the actual words was incredibly difficult. Willing myself to do it, I took a deep breath and forged ahead, knowing that I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.

“The thing is Connor..…I’ve never done anything like this before”

There was a brief pause and I glanced at him sheepishly, expecting to see a look of ridicule and disbelief on his face. Instead, he gazed at me with genuine concern and quickly rushed in to reassure me.

“Jason, it’s no problem at all!” he said, placing a soft kiss on my cheek “We’ll just take things really slowly from now on, ok?”

I let out a huge sigh of relief and it felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I whispered a reply “Thanks Connor, I really appreciate that”

He looked at me and smiled, before brushing his hand lightly through my hair “I happen to think you’re worth it Jason.

I leant in and kissed him gratefully, smiling back at him mischievously “I think I am too!”

He playfully twisted the knuckles of his hands into my sides and I shouted out in mock pain.

“Ow, Connor! That hurt”

Instead of replying Connor placed his hands on the back of my jeans again, gently kneading the soft flesh beneath. I winced with delight and pulled him towards me, urgently pushing my tongue into his mouth. When we finally pulled apart his eyes widened in surprise and he stood so close to me that I could feel his warm breath on my cheek.

“Wow! What was that for?”

“To thank you” I answered “For finally bringing us together”

“Look Jason” he began urgently, as though he suddenly feared I would change my mind “About this drink. We never get a chance to talk when I’m at work and I want to get to know you properly”

“Yeah, me too!”

“We could meet in the pub across the road, if you like?”

His enthusiasm was infectious and I smiled and eagerly agreed “Yeah ok. That sounds great!”

“I don’t know what it’s like though. Have you ever been in there before?”

I smiled to myself before replying, thinking of all the times I’d spent sitting at the table next to the window, watching the comings and goings across the road.

“Yeah, a few times” I answered, trying to sound as casual as possible “It’s ok in there”

“Good! That’s where we’ll go then”

A few seconds later he glanced at his watch and frowned with annoyance. The time had gone by incredibly quickly and his half hour break was almost over. His voice was tinged with disappointment as he reluctantly accepted the inevitable and sighed loudly in resignation

“Look Jason, I have to get back now, but how does Tuesday sound? he asked eagerly “I’ve got the night off so we can meet then, if that’s ok?”

He studied my face in an attempt to discover what I was thinking and it was obvious he was holding his breath in anticipation of my answer.

“Tuesday sounds fine” I laughed, kissing him one last time.

His shoulders sagged slightly as he heaved a sigh of relief and I tapped him gently on the bottom with the palm of my hand “Go! You’d better go”

As he reluctantly took a couple of steps backwards he smiled and blew me a kiss. “See you Tuesday……..gorgeous!”

My face immediately began to turn a deep shade of crimson and I smiled at him bashfully. Hearing a guy call me gorgeous was totally unexpected and the sudden rush of blood to my head made me feel momentarily dizzy and weak at the knees. As he turned and walked away I suddenly realized that we hadn’t set a time for our date and I quickly called after him.

“Connor! You didn’t say what time you want us to meet”

He smiled sheepishly and it was obvious that he’d completely forgotten the small but important detail.

”Oh yeah” he said, tutting loudly at his own forgetfulness “It would be a good idea! About 7:30 ok?”

“Yeah that’s fine” I called out to him “See you Tuesday then…………..gorgeous!”

He gave me a wry smile and shook his head. For several minutes after he’d gone back inside, I stood with the back of my head gently resting against the wall with my eyes shut, unable to believe that it had finally happened. My first date with another guy at long last! I could hardly contain my excitement and the urge to shout it from the rooftops welled up inside me, threatening to overflow like a volcano about to erupt. Unfortunately it was time to go home, so I wandered to the bus stop on the other side of town in a complete daze, bursting to reveal my good news. The bus journey home gave me the chance to relive the experience again and again inside my mind, until finally I stood at the front gate outside my home, hoping my parents had already gone to bed.