A Different Love - 6. Chapter 6

I’d been at the store for just over a year now and the routine of work had become the norm. I still really enjoyed working there and the majority of staff were friendly and easy to get on with.

Tom, the good looking guy that had first made me feel so welcome when I came for my interview, had become a really good friend. If ever I needed any support or just to talk he was always there, and I really valued his friendship. Unfortunately, he was totally straight and also married - Although most of the time, I tried to forget that!

Craig was still his usual obnoxious self and I totally ignored him whenever I could. He’d become even better friends with Aiden of late and together they could be a real pain in the arse. I managed to stay out of their way most of the time and found it best to ignore their many verbal jibes and put downs.

The relationship between Aiden and I had become increasingly strained and awkward. We traded the necessary pleasantries for the sake of work but there was no way I wanted to be anything more than colleagues. As always, his strange behaviour towards me was a major factor and he still tried to be nice to me if we happened to be alone together. I couldn’t work out why he even bothered, but Tom said he was an extremely complex character and was convinced that we never actually got to see the real Aiden. I’d come to fervently believe in my original assessment that he hadn’t really changed at all since school and he still had some major issues to deal with.

Little did I know at the time how right I would prove to be!

My personal life remained much the same, still no boyfriend and consequently no sex! I would wake up early some mornings, waiting for the shrill sound of the alarm clock to herald the arrival of a new day. In the half light of dawn a great wave of sadness would descend from nowhere, as I contemplated the life that lay ahead of me and all the normal things I would never experience. Tears often dripped onto the pillow as I mentally ticked them off in my mind. There would never be a girlfriend, a wife, kids or proud parents, the list seemed endless!

Then suddenly the sadness would lift and I realized that it was still possible to have some of those things. Hopefully, I would soon find a boyfriend and fall in love. Nowadays it was even possible for same sex couples to get married and adopt children. Who knows, the impossible may happen, one day my parents might even be proud to have a gay son!

Whatever happened, at least there was still the pleasure of looking. Whenever a hot guy passed by me in the street or walked into the store, I would take secret glances of admiration and if a closer inspection was required, as it often was, I had to try and make sure that no one was watching me, watching them. It wasn’t always easy and once or twice someone would catch me out and a look of disgust and disbelief would cross their face. I was so jealous of normal couples, holding hands together and kissing, being able to openly show their affection in public.

Normal! There was that word again, reverberating around in my head. I wanted so desperately to be normal like everyone else. I even looked up the meaning in the dictionary.

Definition: Usual, typical, expected, conforming to a standard.

The words leapt out at me from the page. But was anyone really normal, I asked myself? People were so diverse, so different. I still felt normal; I wasn’t an axe murderer or a paedophile. I didn’t feel the urge to rob or mug people at the drop of a hat. So I craved a relationship with someone of the same gender. So what! I considered normal far too strong a word, I was just different from most other people and would have to get on with my life and learn to accept myself for who I was. Despite all the difficulties, I began to feel more optimistic about finding someone to share my life with, another person that was different in the same way that I was. The only problem was that so far the person I craved had never come along, but I lived in constant hope, refusing to compromise my increasingly strong feelings, just to appear 'normal'.

Little did I realise back then how very ‘different’ my future relationship would turn out to be!

As far as I knew there was only one gay bar in Hamborough. It was called Samson’s but as yet I’d never been able to pluck up the courage to go in. There was a pub directly opposite and I discovered that by sitting in a certain seat near the window it was easy to watch the kind of people that went in and out. I didn’t really know what I was expecting to see, but I was fascinated by the place and it seemed to draw me towards it like a bee circling around a honey pot. Unfortunately, because I’d gone to school in Hamborough, I knew quite a few people of my own age from the town and this made it even more difficult to take the final plunge. As well as being frightened and anxious of what might happen inside, there was also the added fear that someone I knew might see me going in. One day, I would definitely pluck up the courage to actually go in though, but for now all I could bring myself to do was furtively watch the comings and goings from the safety of the pub across the road.

The day that everything changed is indelibly printed on my mind. Until the evening it was indistinguishable from any other normal day and I fully intended to go straight home. My shift at work had ended at 6:45pm and now here I was in Hamborough, a little after 7:45, waiting for the bus to Dryford.

It was November 5th, bonfire night, and the air was heavy with the smell of burning wood and smoke. Fireworks whizzed high into the sky from all directions, banging loudly and spewing out trails of coloured sparks as they fell back to the ground. The bus had been late every night so far this week and tonight was no exception. It was already 20 minutes behind schedule and I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to sit beside a roaring fire, slowly drinking a pint of beer. I knew exactly where such a seat existed and within 10 minutes, I’d given in to the urge and I was there in the pub, relaxing in my favourite seat by the window.

There didn’t seem to be many people going in and out of the gay bar tonight and I absent mindedly wondered if it was quiet because of bonfire night. The clink of glasses nearby made me jump slightly and I instinctively wrapped my fingers tightly around mine, foolishly thinking it would be taken away. Before I could object, the barmaid rested the empty glasses she’d collected on my table and sat down opposite me. She’d obviously been studying me for quite some time because the expression on her face was full of concern as she smiled at me and enquired how I was.

“Ok love?”

My heart lurched in surprise and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. It was the first time I’d ever spoken to her apart from ordering a drink and I didn’t quite know what to say.

“Oh erm yes thanks” came my stuttered reply and for some reason the feeling of uneasiness in my stomach increased.

“You look as though you want to be somewhere else” she observed, with a wry smile.

Another guy entered the bar across the road and I couldn’t stop my eyes from closely following his movements as I gazed over her shoulder.

“You should go in you know!” she said quietly

I gave a sharp intake of breath and quickly drained my pint “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

As I grabbed my coat and stood up to leave she grasped my arm tightly and I slowly sank back down into the seat. My heart was pounding and the beer I’d drunk threatened to re-appear at any moment as my shoulders sagged in defeat.

“Is it that obvious?”

She shook her head and looked at me with an expression that cried out, what do you think?

“Once you’ve decided, you’re half way there!” she continued, rubbing my arm.

“But what if I….”

“Never mind what ifs” she urged, interrupting me “You’ll never know unless you do it, will you?”

I looked across the road apprehensively, beginning to think she was right and it was now or never. She was watching me closely, somehow following my train of thought without even having to ask what was going through my mind.

“Come on love, it’s now or never!” she implored “Might as well be now”

She looked directly at me demanding my agreement and I had to admit that what she said made sense. Suddenly, all the years of longing and the desire to embrace my sexuality overflowed and a heady feeling of exhilaration, swiftly followed by nervous excitement, surged through my body. Electric shocks shot to the ends of my fingers and toes as the realisation of what I was about to do hit home with the impact of a head on collision. My hand found hers on the table and I squeezed it lightly before mouthing the words ‘Thank you’

This time when I stood up, she didn’t hold me back and I left the pub in a daze, hardly able to believe what I was about to do. A furtive glance up and down the street revealed there was no one about and I hurried across the road. Within seconds I was standing in the doorway of the bar, my heart thudding uncontrollably. My impulsive behaviour had left me feeling sick with anticipation but it was too late to back out now, I’d finally made up my mind. I could do this!

I gave one last glance across the road and was surprised to see the barmaid gazing out of the window, urging me on with a wave of her hand. It was the final push I needed and I grasped the door handle firmly.

The rush of warm air mixed with the smell of tobacco smoke wafted past my face as I tentatively pushed open the door. The room I walked into was deceptively larger on the inside, like some kind of weird tardis. Six booths with seats in semi circles lined the far wall and in one of them I could see two guys holding hands across the table. Suddenly, one of them leant forwards and kissed the other guy full on the lips. I was excited and terrified at the same time, but the simple act of open affection they’d shown each other immediately told me that I’d made the right decision.

Several guys laughed and joked with each other as they played a game of pool in the far corner and I watched with acute interest as one of them bent over the table to take a shot. My eyes became fixed on his rear and I jumped a mile as an unexpected voice whispered in my ear.

“Nice arse eh?”

When I spun around, a guy was standing behind me with a stack of glasses resting in the crook of his arm. His comment threw me completely off guard and as I stood there, red faced with my mouth open, he winked and shocked me even more.

“Not quite as nice as yours though”

With a mischievous smile he disappeared behind the bar and I could hear the clink of glasses as he bent down and filled the dishwasher. When he stood up again I was leaning on the bar, studying the row of beer pumps in front of me and he gazed at me enquiringly.

“What can I get you?”

“Oh erm..a pint of beer please” I answered, indicating the middle one.

“Sorry about just now” he apologized, placing a glass under the pump “I couldn’t resist”

“It’s ok, I probably deserved it. Should learn not to stare”

“Nonsense!” he answered with a grin “If you can’t look it’s time to give up”

His candid response made me relax somewhat and I gradually began to feel more at home. He was right of course and I gazed with renewed interest at his smiling face. He was stocky and muscular with hazel coloured eyes and a face full of freckles. He had ginger hair and matching eyebrows and I couldn’t help myself from wondering if his pubic hair was the same colour. I was surprised that my thoughts had sunk lower than a snake’s belly and could only put it down to the nature of my surroundings.

The beer overflowed slightly and ran down the glass as he placed it on the bar and I took a small mouthful, careful to avoid spilling anymore.

“Thanks”

Shaking his wet fingers and drying them on a bar towel he flashed me a wide smile before tentatively continuing the conversation. “Haven’t seen you in here before”

“No, I erm …”

“First time eh?” he interrupted, raising his eyebrows

“Well yeah…it is actually”

“Thought it must be! No need to feel nervous you know” he smiled reassuringly “You’re more than welcome in here”

I gave him a grateful smile back, wondering why on earth I’d waited so long to come in.

“Thanks, that means a lot”

“No problem” he said, offering me his hand over the bar “I’m Connor by the way”

His hand was still slightly damp from the beer and as I shook it firmly he seemed reluctant to let go. His familiarity unnerved me slightly and it was several seconds before I could return the introduction.

“Oh it’s erm Jason”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Jason” he said eagerly “and I’d love to see more of you”

My eyes widened at the ambiguity of his comment and obviously realizing that I’d misinterpreted it, he rushed in to make his meaning clear.

“Sorry Jason! I didn’t mean it to sound as if I wanted to see more of you as in…erm….you know” he stuttered, as his eyes swept up and down my body “Not that I wouldn’t like to that is…..but I meant in here….I’d love to see more of you in here”

Even before he explained, I realised what he’d meant, but my heightened sense of nervousness had failed to allow me to think rationally. His own confusion and embarrassment proved to be a real ice breaker though and we both began laughing with each other. I gazed at him with renewed interest and butterflies began racing around my stomach as I suddenly realised that this was for real. It was obvious he was attracted to me and my fingers and toes tingled excitedly and I had to admit, the feeling was mutual. He wasn’t the usual blonde haired, blue eyed type that instantly attracted me, but all the same he was cute and unbelievably fit.

Meanwhile, one of the guys that had been playing pool had approached the bar without me noticing and had obviously heard the latter part of our conversation. He ordered a beer and began to fish about in his pocket for change.

“Are you on the pull again Connor?” he laughed.

Turning towards me, he shook his head and purposefully whispered out loud so that Connor could hear him. “Watch him mate, you’re the third tonight!”

He laughed out loud as he saw my shocked expression. Connor’s face was like thunder and he quickly realised that he’d gone too far.

“Sorry mate, only joking”

My face began to redden and Connor immediately stepped in to ease my embarrassment. I caught his warning glance out of the corner of my eye as he firmly reprimanded the guy.

“Leave him alone Rob, he’s new”

The guy called Rob put his hand on my shoulder and with an expression of regret immediately apologized again

“Oh sorry mate, I didn’t realize it was your first time. I was only joking” he explained hastily “Connor’s strictly a one man guy. Hope I haven’t put you off?”

I smiled at Connor in appreciation, before hastily answering Rob.

“No no it’s ok, don’t worry about it”

Clearly anxious to escape, Rob glanced at me apologetically, lifted his pint off the bar and quickly rejoined his mates at the pool table.

“Take no notice of him Jason” said Connor, shaking his head in exasperation “He’s an idiot”

“It’s ok, honest. I realize he was only joking”

“I’m not in the habit of hitting on every guy that comes in here” he went on, as though I hadn’t spoken.

I tried again to reassure him and this time I was relieved when it worked. “Don’t worry about it Connor! It’s ok, really”.

After a few seconds his good humour returned and gazing directly at me he added jokingly.

“Well I only hit on the really good looking ones anyway!”

I blushed and looked away shyly, unable to believe that all my hopes and dreams were finally coming true. At last I'd found somewhere I could actually be myself and after all the anguish and loneliness that I’d suffered, here was someone who was actually coming on to me!

After that first tentative visit to the bar, the longing to return became too strong to ignore. Samson’s was a fascinating place for someone like me to experience, drawing me in like a magnet after my teenage years of forced abstinence. From that day onwards I became a regular visitor, always hoping it was only a matter of time before I met someone special and all my pent up emotions could finally be released. Guys were constantly chatting me up but I quickly discovered the majority of them merely wanted nothing more than casual sex. Although it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, for me it was a case of look but don’t touch. I wasn’t interested in casual sex with no strings attached. I wanted to meet someone special, someone who I could fall in love with and share a lasting relationship.

As weekends approached I couldn’t wait to visit the bar, always hoping that Connor would be at work. More often than not he was and we continually flirted with each other until before long it inevitably led to the beginning of my first relationship.