A Different Love - 46. Chapter 46

I answered my mobile phone eagerly, thankful just to hear his voice again. "Nathan!!! How are you?"

His sad, melancholy voice shook slightly as he quietly replied "Look, I need to talk to you Jason. Tonight if possible, face to face"

My heart sank like a stone and I desperately tried to ignore the inevitable meaning behind his words. From the tone of his voice, it was glaringly obvious what was about to happen and my blood ran cold, as a shiver of fear coursed through my body.

"Can I come over now?" he continued

"There's no need. I was on my way to see you anyway. I'm at the bus stop near the flat. I'll come there if you like"

I waited for him to fly into a panic and sure enough it came instantly.

"NO! Don't do that Jase, I'll come and meet you. Stay where you are!"

Within a couple of minutes I watched him close the front door, struggling to put his coat on in his haste to leave.

As he looked towards the bus shelter I waved, and he began walking slowly towards me. I could almost feel his misery from where I was standing, and as he approached my heart went out to him. His cheeks were flushed pink and as I gazed at his tear-stained face, it looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He grasped my arm and nervously steered me away from the flat.

"Look Jase, let’s go for a drink, dad doesn't even know I've come out"

I gazed at him in puzzlement, unsure what he meant. It sounded as if he was frightened of his father finding out he’d left. Did that mean he was definitely going to follow his demands? Before I could question him any further, he quickly continued.

"I just wanted to spend some time with you"

My heart soared with joy. Just to be with him again made everything right with the world and I knew that together we could beat anything, whatever his father said. We set off walking in the direction of town and I couldn’t help the huge grin that lit up my face.

"It's great to see you again Naith. I know it's only been a few days, but I've really missed spending time with you"

I expected him to immediately agree with me but instead he frowned and looked away. My heart sank as I wondered if this was the moment I'd been dreading all along, the moment he ended our friendship. When he looked at me directly again his face was clouded with anxiety and I could almost see the inner conflict tormenting him. Determined to reiterate how strongly I felt about him, I tried desperately to convince him.

"Nathan, you’re my best friend and I love you so much!! And I know you love me too. Whatever you say!"

He realised by the intensity of my reaction just how much I meant it and stumbled hesitantly over his reply.

"Jason, I'm sorry, I can't....."

"And you're my only friend" I added simply, deciding at that moment to bare my soul.

He stood there with a haunted look on his face as I silently begged him to reconsider what I knew he was struggling to say.

"Don't you want to be friends with me anymore?" I added finally, trying to hide the bitter disappointment in my voice "I know you had to lie for me and I'm really, really sorry, but it won't happen again, I promise"

"Jason, it's not that! I just can't......"

His voice tailed away as he found it impossible to say what his father had demanded and the answer he gave me was worth more to me than all the money in the world.

"Of course I want to be friends with you!" he exclaimed fiercely "Don't ever think that I don't"

"You're not still mad at me then?" I asked meekly, raising my arm "Having to lie about this"

"Of course not" he exclaimed "Come here"

Before I knew what was happening, he'd wrapped his arms around me, holding me close in a huge bear hug. The smell of whisky immediately invaded my nostrils, and it was obvious he must have been drinking. His muffled voice buried deep in the crook of my shoulder was filled with an intensity I hadn't heard before and it wavered with emotion.

"Jason, it's impossible to stay mad at you for long anyway. You don't know how much you mean to me!"

By this time my heart was beating frantically, and I was sure that Nathan must be able to feel it pounding against his chest. It was the nearest I'd ever come to kissing him, but I held back, afraid to spoil the spontaneous moment of closeness. Shortly afterwards we pulled apart and he gazed at me sheepishly, more than a little embarrassed by his excessive show of affection. I realised at that moment there could be a hundred Aiden’s out there, but no one would ever make me feel the way that Nathan did. As far as I was concerned, sex alone could never be more important than true love and friendship.

"So how come you didn't want to see me these last few days?" I blurted out.

It was hard to keep the tone of hurt out of my voice, but I needed to know what he'd say. He hesitated, as if struggling with a decision, but before he had a chance to answer, I couldn't help pushing him further.

"Is it to do with your father?"

His whole demeanour changed in an instant and he stiffened noticeably "What makes you say that?" he responded sharply.

I sighed to myself, involuntarily revealing something that I hadn't intended to "Look Nathan, I might as well tell you. I hadn't just arrived when you rang me. I'd already been to your flat. I was just about to knock on the door when I heard you and your father arguing"

His face flushed with embarrassment and he gave a deep sigh as he realised there was no point in denying it.

"Why does he think you might corrupt me?" I asked him directly. And why does it matter so much to him if you do?"

His hesitant, stilted response immediately told me he was covering up at least part of the truth.

"Look, I d-don't know ok? It must be something to do with his friendship with your father. I've got no idea what he's talking about!"

I opened my mouth to protest and immediately closed it again. The situation was hard for me to understand. How was it alright for him to argue violently with his father about our relationship and then refuse to tell me the reason why? Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hiding a secret! An image of Aiden, lying naked and aroused on my bed, immediately flashed before my eyes and I quickly looked away, sure that Nathan would discover the guilt in my flushed face. Although my relationship with Aiden wasn’t serious, fooling around with him made me feel almost as if I was cheating on Nathan, even though he wouldn’t admit to loving me. To make things worse, he seemed eager to know all about the days we’d spent apart, introducing the subject immediately.

“So what have you been up to since Saturday Jase?”

My heart sank and I answered him hesitantly “Oh erm, nothing much really. Just moping around most of the time. I can’t exactly do a lot with this”

I lifted my hand up to emphasise my meaning. At least it was partially true, but I was only delaying the inevitable. I wasn’t looking forward to telling him about visiting Aiden, and even less so about his visit to me, but I knew in the end there would be no choice. There was a good chance that Mum would mention it at some point when Nathan was around, and it would certainly be prudent to get in first. It would have to be later on though. I didn’t want to upset him anymore at the moment than he already was.

“So how is your hand Jase?” he was saying, glancing down at the offending appendage.

"Oh, not too bad. At least the tablets have managed to dull the pain"

We continued chatting to each other and before I knew it, we were in the old part of town. I was suddenly grasped by a feeling of nervous apprehension as the crooked frontage of the Rose and Crown public house came into view, and even before we got there, I had a horrible feeling what was about to happen next. This was the pub where I'd spent countless nights gazing through the window at the gay bar across the street, far too terrified to go in. Liz, the barmaid that worked there had become a good friend, eventually convincing me to take the plunge and enter the dragon’s den. It was also the place where my first boyfriend Connor had told me he was leaving for Ireland. Let's hope that fate hadn't taken a hand and the same thing was about to happen tonight with Nathan. I still wasn’t convinced he would stay, but could only hope I was wrong. My heart beat slightly faster as I waited with baited breath, somehow knowing what was about to happen. Sure enough, Nathan stopped outside and nodded towards the building

"What about this place Jase? Ever been in before?

My mouth had gone dry and I could barely croak a reply "Oh erm....yeah, once or twice I think"

It was a stupid lie, and I couldn't for the life of me think why I'd said it. Nathan knew I was gay, so there was nothing to hide from anymore. Was it maybe because the place was associated with a time when I was scared to face my sexuality? A time when keeping the biggest secret I’d ever had was the most important thing in my life. I didn't know, but so what, it didn't matter anymore. His face held a slight smile and I vaguely wondered why he was looking at me the way he was.

"Might as well go in here then" he suggested airily.

"Yeah, I suppose"

He must have picked up on the slight tone of reluctance in my voice and was quick to react. "What? You don't want to?"

"No, no it's ok! I do. Really"

He smiled at me as I held the door open and followed him in and I couldn't help thinking how nice it would be to see Liz again. It was surprisingly busy for a weeknight and as I hoped, Liz was behind the bar serving customers. I grasped Nathan's shoulders, steering him firmly towards the seating area.

"Go find us a table Naith, I'll get these"

He turned around to protest, but my face was set with such a look of determination that he immediately backed down. When I reached the bar, Liz was overjoyed to see me and her whole face lit up with a wide smile

"Hello stranger!"

"Hi Liz"

"How are you Jason? It's great to see you again!'"

"I'm good Liz. How are you?"

Instead of answering she leant over the bar to whisper "Please don't tell me that gorgeous creature you just walked in with is gay!"

There was no point whispering amid the noise of babbling voices, but I still couldn't help leaning over the bar surreptitiously. When I answered my face was set in a sad grimace.

"Don't worry Liz, he isn't"

Understanding immediately registered on her face and she gave me a knowing smile.

"Ah, I get it! But you wish he was"

I didn't need to answer that one and she shook her head knowingly.

"So what can I get you Jason?

"Two pints please Liz"

She smiled and reached for the glasses "Do you ever hear anything from Connor these days" she enquired "I always thought you two were good together"

"No, I haven’t seen him since he left. We don’t really keep in touch”

She tutted and her face became creased in sympathy “Aww, that’s a shame. I know you thought a lot about him”

She tilted her head towards Nathan and her eyes widened in admiration "So who's this blond-haired Adonis you've brought with you tonight then?"

I gently scolded her and she laughed back at me "Liz! You make it sound as if there's someone different every night"

I gazed across at him, unable to keep the smile off my face "His name is Nathan. He isn't gay though, just a friend"

She rolled her eyes and smiled seductively "He doesn't want another friend by any chance, does he?"

I turned around to look at Nathan and laughed at Liz's joke. She was at least twenty years my senior, old enough to be my mother. She placed the two pints of beer on the bar, and I fished about in my pocket for change.

“You do know that being in love with a straight boy will only bring you grief in the end, don’t you?" she observed wisely.

I stared at her incredulously and my face noticeably reddened "Who said I was in love?"

"Jason, it's written all over your face! You can't keep your eyes off him"

I sighed with dismay. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yeah, it is to me"

I paid her for the drinks and was just about to lift them off the bar when she stopped me.

"So what have you been doing to your hand anyway?” she exclaimed, noticing it for the first time as I passed her the money. Our eyes met and I quickly turned away to avoid her enquiring glance

"Oh, I erm hurt it on a wall"

She raised her eyebrows slightly, indicating scepticism, and sighed with resignation. "Tell you what Jason, I won't even ask"

I heaved a sigh of relief, grateful I didn’t have to explain my crazy behaviour "Probably best Liz"

I smiled at her gratefully and was about to lift both pint glasses off the bar when Nathan suddenly appeared at my side.

"Watch your hand Jase!" he warned "I'll take one of those"

Once again, an accident had been avoided and I was just about to follow him when Liz leant over the bar and touched my arm. She smiled at me sweetly and remarked in a ridiculously soppy voice.

"Aww Jason, you've got a guardian angel"

I tried to frown at her and shook my head in mock annoyance, failing miserably to keep the smile off my face.

Unbelievably, Nathan had chosen the exact same table where my hand had lingered on Connor's crotch, causing him to knock over his pint of beer and smash his glass all over the table. Somehow though, I had the feeling that it wouldn't be happening again tonight.

"You obviously don't recognise the place then" he commented, as I carefully placed the beer on the table and sat down.

My nervousness instantly returned, and I wondered what he was getting at. Surely there was no way he could know about my history with the place. Within seconds I knew that he meant something entirely different as he grinned and started to explain.

"This is the place I found you when you were off your head the other night!" he revealed.

Cold shivers immediately ran up and down my back and all I could manage was a shocked expletive.

“Oh!!”

I wasn't in a hurry to remember that night, nor did I want a repeat performance, but at least there was one good thing. Liz couldn't possibly have been working that night as she clearly knew nothing about it.

"I just wanted to see if you remembered" he went on, with a bemused expression on his face "But clearly you don't"

I heaved an inner sigh of relief. So that was why he'd wanted to come in here. Merely to see if I remembered being in the place he'd found me drunk. As I relaxed slightly my knee rested firmly against his and I held it there for as long as I dared, feeling the gentle warmth from his leg seep through my trousers. I glanced downwards surreptitiously and the urge to rub my hand along his inner thigh, as I had done to Connor, almost drove me insane. For a second or two I stared ahead unseeingly, fighting the urge to leave it where it was. The spell, however, was instantly broken when Nathan suddenly shifted and leant across to clink his glass against mine.

"Cheers Jason. Am I ready for this?"

He took a long swig of the amber liquid and wiped away the white moustache with the back of his hand. An air of nervous tension seemed to have descended over him and my stomach was churning as I realised he was about to tell me something I didn't want to hear.

He took another long swig of beer and when he put his glass down it was already more than half empty.

"Look Jason” he began “We need to talk about some…."

Desperate to avoid hearing it, I quickly interrupted him "Won't be a minute Naith, just got to go to the toilet!"

Within seconds I jumped up from the table and virtually ran to the toilets without giving him the chance to say another word. Anything to avoid the inevitable for even a few minutes longer was worth it! I took my time in the toilet and when I eventually returned to the main room and gazed at the table where Nathan was sitting, my heart sank, and a strong sense of déjà vu enveloped me. I was instantly reminded of the night that Connor had told me he was leaving for Ireland; only this time there would be no request to accompany the departing person. Even though I'd only just started drinking my first pint, Nathan had obviously been to the bar and bought two more pints of beer. By this time, he'd already drunk his first one and was halfway through his second. By the time I returned to the table, I could feel the nervous tension had increased tenfold.

I shook my head and tutted loudly "Nathan!! Why are you drinking so quickly? And why have you bought me another pint? I've hardly started this one yet!"

"Fine!" he replied snappily "I'll have it!"

With a shake of his head, he downed the rest of his second pint and reached across the table for mine.

At that moment I knew without a doubt that Nathan had decided to leave. Not only were we sitting at the same table as Connor and I had been, but Nathan was behaving in exactly the same way. Drinking himself silly so he could pluck up the courage to break the news to me. With a feeling of devastation, I decided to save him the time.

As I began to speak his glass was halfway to his mouth when it stopped in mid-air. He slowly placed it back on the table and swallowed deeply, before turning towards me. My eyes met his with a look of devastation.

"You've decided to do as your father demanded and leave, haven't you Nathan?"

The expression on his face told me all I needed to know, and my eyes filled with tears and I gasped with despair. I could only manage one word and it left my lips accompanied by a deep sob.

“Why?”

His face was filled with an expression of abject misery as he forced a reply “I’m so sorry Jase, but I have to. You heard him! He’s a cruel and vindictive man and he means every word. I’ve got no choice!”

I shook my head in desperation “There’s always a choice Nathan”

Suddenly his face became blurred with my tears and a sudden desperate urge to leave the pub became paramount. I felt completely torn apart, as if some powerful inner force had ripped my heart to shreds and left it irreparable. I quickly struggled into my coat and stood up to leave.

“I’ve got to go Nathan”

“Wait, I’ll come with you!” he cried urgently, grasping my arm.

By this time my feelings had changed to anger and I pulled my arm sharply away “Just stay where you are and get drunk Nathan. That way, you don’t need a backbone!”

The look on his face was heartbreaking and it took every ounce of courage I had to turn around and walk away.

The cold air immediately hit me as I left the pub and headed for the nearest bus shelter. According to the time on my mobile phone there should be a bus home to Dryford pretty soon, but if I missed it there was a two hour wait for the next one. The shelter opposite the taxi rank was the nearest one I could find, and it was only when I was sat huddled on the cold wooden bench that I realised how unfair I’d been to Nathan. What would I do if someone was threatening me the way his father was threatening him? How could I possibly know what it meant to be faced with the prospect of not being able to see your own daughter for the foreseeable future? Did I really have a right to expect him to choose me over her? I knew in my heart he had feelings for me, but how deep did they actually run? That I didn’t know, because he wouldn’t even admit to having them. My anger spilled over once again, but this time it was directed towards Nathan’s father. At the first opportunity I was going to see him and demand the answers that Nathan wouldn’t give me. If dad thought it was a good idea that Nathan and I were friends, then why didn’t Mr Brown?

There was the sudden noise of approaching footsteps and my heart soared as Nathan suddenly appeared at the bus shelter. He gazed at me with an uncertain smile on his face and I couldn’t help returning his smile with an apology.

“Look Naith, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry!”

“I know Jase, forget it. You’re probably right, but it’s just so difficult”

I could tell by the unsteady way he walked towards me that he was well on his way to been drunk. He seemed to have become inebriated pretty quickly and I thought again that he musthave been drinking before he left the flat. He sank down heavily in the corner, almost landing on top of me and I grasped his arms to steady him, easing him down into the seat beside me. He grinned and gave a huge sigh of satisfaction, before unexpectedly putting his arm around my shoulder. My eyes widened in surprise and I stiffened slightly as his left hand slowly snaked upwards along my leg. When it finally stopped near my inner thigh, I could feel myself beginning to harden. I tentatively brushed his warm cheek with my finger and briefly closed my eyes, trying to imagine how awesome it would be to feel his naked body against mine. The erotic thoughts left me as hard as a rock and even though Nathan’s hand wasn't too far away, I hoped he remained completely oblivious to what was happening. I was happy to let him stay exactly where he was though, mesmerised by the closeness of his body. I'd never seen him this drunk before and I had to make sure he got home alright.

“There’s a bus due to Dryford at any time Naith. You need to get on it too. You’re far too drunk to walk home alone”

His words were noticeably slurred as he lifted his head to face me, completely ignoring what I’d said.

"D'you know what Jase, I fucking love you! What am I going to do without you?”

For a second or two my heart raced until I realised it was just a drunken ramble. Even so, I couldn't help wondering if he was subconsciously revealing his true feelings towards me. All I could do was hope. There was no way I was taking advantage of his present condition though, but when he suddenly squeezed my leg and moved his hand even further towards my crotch, my heart lurched violently. His face was flushed a deep shade of pink as he gazed at me and when his warm breath gently touched my cheek, it seemed as if my heart would stop beating.

"Jason. I......"

A sudden fear gripped me out of nowhere and his father's words came rushing back to haunt me. My stomach was twisted into a tight knot and every nerve end in my body tingled with desire. I was desperate to make sure that he didn't do something he'd later regret and rushed to interrupt him before he could continue.

"Nathan, I don't think your father would approve!"

He smiled and nodding his head in agreement, leant in towards me "I don't think he'd approve of this either"

My heart almost stopped beating as he closed his eyes and gently kissed me on the lips. In the stunned silence that followed, fireworks exploded in my head and a raft of emotions surged through my body like a raging torrent of water. At the same time his hand moved slowly upwards to caress the tightly packed mound between my legs, gently kneading my erection with the palm of his hand. His soft touch was so unexpected it made me jump with shock, unable to believe what was happening. The spell was instantly broken, and Nathan recoiled in horror, quickly withdrawing his hand as if he'd been stung. At that moment, to add insult to injury, the Dryford bus swept by the shelter in a cloud of diesel fumes and noise.

"Oh Fuck Jason!!! I am sooo sorry!! That wasn't supposed to happen!!"

It was clear he wasn't apologising for the fact that we'd missed the bus, but I was so shocked by what had just happened that my brain refused to make sense of it. Why on earth did Nathan just kiss and caress me? He was supposed to be straight for god's sake! Was it some kind of weird joke or had his drunken state suddenly made his true feelings rush to the surface?

Meanwhile he'd jumped up from the seat and pulled me into a standing position in front of him. His inebriated state appeared to have momentarily disappeared and he called my name urgently.

"Jason come on, we've missed the bus! I need to get you home!!"

I was speechless with shock as he grasped my arm and without saying another word, virtually dragged me over the road to the taxi rank. I tried to shake off his hand, but he held me in a firm grip until we reached a vacant taxi.

"Nathan!!" I cried out desperately "What the fuck's going on? Talk to me!!"

I tried my best to reason with him but all he could do was offer more apologies.

"Look Jase, I'm really sorry ok, just forget it ever happened"

"How the fuck can I forget!! Nathan, you just......"

The taxi drivers standing about in the rank were beginning to stare and I paused before continuing, deciding it would be better to talk in the car. Nathan seemed to have sobered up all at once and his voice was laced with urgency as I heard him addressing the driver.

"Can you take him to Dryford mate, he's just missed the bus"

It wasn't until it was too late that I realised he'd used the word 'him' instead of us! He quickly opened his wallet and shoving a couple of notes into the driver’s hand, bundled me inside the car and shut the door. By the time I realised he wasn't getting in the other side it was too late and I struggled desperately to wind down the window. Finally managing to open it slightly, I cried out in despair.

"Nathan, why aren't you coming with me, we need to talk!"

"Look, we will Jason ok? Just not now!"

As the taxi pulled away, a look of utter shock and horror was etched across his face and a crushing sense of hopelessness filled the pit of my stomach.

The taxi ride home was horrendous. I was as close to tears in public as I’d ever been before,

and I couldn’t help ringing Nathan’s mobile several times. Finally, I shouted angrily at the phone.

‘NATHAN, ANSWER ME DAMMIT. I LOVE YOU!!!’

The taxi driver’s eyebrows shot up as he glanced at me through his mirror, but thankfully he didn’t say anything. Needless to say, Nathan never answered, and I finally had no option but to leave a heartfelt voicemail.

‘Nathan, where are you? Please talk to me. I love you more than life itself!! Jason xxxxxx’

I barely managed a muttered thank you when the taxi driver dropped me off at home and when I crept quietly into the house, mum and dad had thankfully gone to bed. I collapsed, fully clothed, onto my bed and hugged the pillow close to my body, subconsciously regaining my closeness to Nathan. When he'd kissed me, I thought all my dreams and fantasies had come true at long last. To feel his lips on mine was so awesome that my heart soared, and my toes curled up with pleasure. His wandering hand must have felt my erection bursting to be released, but it was at that moment when things had gone disastrously awry. The way that he'd so quickly got rid of me after what he'd done hurt more than I cared to admit. My head throbbed with unanswered questions as I struggled to work things out. How could he just toy with my feelings like that and then cast me aside like something he couldn't wait to get rid of. Why couldn't he just talk to me like the friend he was supposed to be? Even if it was just a drunken moment of foolishness that went too far, nothing was so bad that it couldn't be discussed.

Finally, my thoughts began to fade, thankfully shutting out the disastrous events of the evening. Almost lost in oblivion, my phone abruptly brought me back to reality as it vibrated in my pocket. I knew without even looking that the message would be from Nathan. Who else would text me at this time of night? An overwhelming feeling of dread gripped my stomach and for a split second I considered ignoring it. In reality that wasn't an option and as I pulled it from my pocket Nathan’s name was just disappearing off the screen. The message was short and to the point and I couldn't stop the loud sob that escaped from my lips as I stared at the screen in abject misery.

‘Had to get away – Need time to think! So sorry!! Love Nathan xxx’

The words ‘Love Nathan’ stared back at me mockingly and it felt as if he was confirming what I’d suspected was true all along. But why couldn’t he just say it out loud instead of running away and leaving me? I knew it would sound pathetic and needy, but I couldn’t help typing the words.

‘Please come back Nathan, can’t stand it without you. Love you so much. Jason xxxxxxx’

I waited in vain for a reply and the feeling of abandonment and loneliness that eventually enshrouded me was incredibly hard to bear. A sudden burst of anger caused me to toss the phone away angrily and it skidded across the floor, banging against the skirting board. How the fuck could he treat me this way? I couldn't help feeling as if my heart had been ripped open, leaving my feelings and emotions bare and exposed. The fact that he couldn't even acknowledge what he'd done, especially when it was something I wanted so badly, cut through my heart like a dagger, as surely as if he'd stabbed me. I tried to think about it rationally, attempting to push the negative thoughts aside. Surely Nathan must be gay and was hiding his true feelings from me? What other explanation could there be if that wasn't the case? I was determined to find some answers, but a devastating thought suddenly crossed my mind. What if he never returned? What if he thought he'd blown our friendship apart? After all, he'd said it himself some time ago. I was the only thing keeping him here. I pushed the thought aside, refusing point blank to believe he would never come back. A bout of anger quickly returned; this time directed firmly at myself. I couldn’t believe that even though he’d treated me the way he had, I still loved him with all my heart. How incredibly sad was that?

Gradually, the overriding feeling of anger slowly turned into sorrow and before long the pillow was wet with my tears. Eventually, my silent weeping changed into a restless sleep, thankfully shutting out the look of horror on Nathan’s face as the taxi sped away from him.