A Different Love - 32. Chapter 32

The train home that evening was half an hour late and I sat on the cold platform, wondering if Nathan would still be waiting for me in Hamborough. There was no doubt that after a bad day at work it would make a world of difference to see his handsome, smiling face and I desperately hoped he would still be there.

At last my train slowly rumbled in and I felt the platform vibrate slightly as it shuddered to a halt. It was usually quiet at this time of day and there were only a handful of people in the carriage. I sat down at a table several seats away from anyone else and laid my head back, relaxing against the comfortable padded headrest. As the city lights gave way to darkness my eyes began to close and a picture of Nathan appeared in my mind, his smiling face willing my mounting problems to disappear. As soon as I thought of him things didn’t seem quite so bad and I tried desperately to think of a way to alleviate the increasingly difficult situation. The episode with Aiden had left me hurt and angry and I found it hard to understand how someone could be so nasty and vindictive. There was no doubt that hitting him had been a huge mistake and now he obviously intended to make me pay for it dearly. I wondered for a fleeting moment if the solution was to come out to my colleagues. It would certainly put paid to Aiden’s threats to out me and probably wouldn’t make much difference to most of them anyway. I realized just as quickly, however, that the timing was all wrong. I had far too much to lose and I definitely couldn’t run the risk of Nathan finding out from someone else. When I did reveal the truth, it would be on my own terms, and not at the whim of someone like Aiden. I decided to put a brave face on it when I met Nathan so he wouldn’t guess that anything was wrong. I'd come to value his friendship immensely and the last thing I wanted to do was burden him with any of my problems at this early stage in our relationship.

I must have briefly nodded off because the next thing I knew the train was pulling into Hamborough and the screeching of brakes and jerking carriages awoke me with a sudden jolt. After a hard day at work, traveling home by train on dark winter evenings was extremely conducive to sleep and I often had to fight the overwhelming urge to succumb. The rhythmic clattering of wheels upon track was like a spell of hypnosis and I was always afraid of missing my stop. There had only been one occasion when this had happened, and it had taken me over two hours to get back home. I didn’t want a repeat performance, so stretching and yawning, I struggled to my feet and walked quickly towards the carriage doors.

Nathan was nowhere to be seen when I alighted and I lingered near the station exit doors, wondering whether to get the bus. A young girl in a short red skirt was getting into a waiting car across the road and as it drove away, I noticed with relief that Nathan’s car had being hidden from view and was parked behind it. Suddenly feeling a light tap on my shoulder, I turned around to find him standing there, an infectious grin spreading across his face.

“Eyeing up the local talent I see” he enquired, stifling a laugh.

I raised my eyebrows but thought it best not to answer, so I just smiled back and greeted him warmly.

“Hiya Naith”

“Hiya Jase. Good day at work?”

I sighed deeply and tried not to let him see how upset the question made me. "Oh, you know, not too bad" I answered, turning away slightly.

It was hard to hide anything from Nathan though and he immediately picked up on my negative body language

"You don't seem too sure Jase?"

"No, it’s ok, honest!"

He gazed at me doubtfully and I swiftly changed the subject before he had a chance to ask me anything more. “I didn’t know if you’d still be here”

His eyes opened wide and a look of surprise crossed his face. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just thought with the train being late and everything, you might not have wanted to wait”

“Course I’ll wait!” he exclaimed, as though the mere thought was ridiculous. “I said I'd pick you up and I will”

His enthusiastic response was just what I needed to hear, and a warm contented feeling of satisfaction surged through me at the obvious sincerity in his words. He put his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it, leading me out of the station towards his waiting car. As soon as he touched me, I felt a desperate urge to take him in my arms and hold him tightly against me, instinctively knowing that being so close to him would help me cope with the growing problems at work. Unfortunately, I had to be satisfied with sitting near him in the relatively close confines of the car, the subtle aroma of his aftershave infinitely superior to the overpowering smell of Nicole’s perfume. A second later all my hopes and aspirations were dashed. This was how my relationship with Nathan was. One moment I felt incredibly close to him, as though we were lovers almost, then the next moment he would bring me crashing back to reality with some innocent comment.

"So, what did you think of that girl then?" he asked, nudging my arm suggestively "Did you see how short her skirt was?"

This was when things became particularly difficult for me. I had to make sure my reply was convincing enough to make him think I was interested. It almost seemed as if someone else was answering his question as I listened to myself respond.

"Yeah, she was pretty hot!"

"I'd certainly ask her out. What about you Jase?"

"Yeah, definitely"

There was a brief silence as I stared out of the darkened window and considered how ridiculous my words sounded. The only person I'd like to ask out was sitting right beside me, but I wasn't about to spoil our friendship by doing that. Nathan cut through my thoughts as he brought the silence to an end.

“Do you want to come back to the flat for a drink Jase?” he asked, as we drove off down the hill "It'll be nice to have your company”

“Yeah, I’d love to”

“That’s great!” he responded enthusiastically “I haven’t shown you the rest of the flat yet”

I put my hand on the edge of the seat in the vain hope that his leg might brush against it, but a moment later was forced to remove it.

“How’s your wrist anyway?” he was saying, as we stood waiting at the traffic lights in town.

I tentatively lifted my hand up from the seat and slowly drew back my sleeve. The red glow from the traffic lights made the jagged scar appear even worse than it really was, and my arm shook slightly as I rested it on the dashboard. Nathan whistled as he grasped my arm and drew it closer towards him.

“Maybe you should get it looked at” he suggested “It still looks pretty sore to me”

“No don’t worry, it should be ok in a couple of days” I said breezily, secretly thrilled that he cared so much.

“Well, if you’re sure” he said doubtfully “You don’t want it to become infected”

“I keep putting antiseptic cream on it every day” I reassured him “But I’ll go see the doctor if it doesn’t heal properly”

“What have you done to your knuckles anyway” he said, suddenly focusing on my latest injury. “I don’t remember seeing them like that before”

I stared at the reddened skin across the back of my hand and an image of Aiden lying on the floor outside the shop immediately floated before my eyes. I said the first thing that came into my mind and thought with satisfaction how apt it was.

“Oh, I knocked some rubbish over this morning”

“Are you always this accident prone?” he asked, smiling broadly.

I sighed, trying to keep my face straight. “Yeah, I am unfortunately. I’ve had two broken legs, a broken arm and a cracked pelvis” I explained solemnly.

He turned towards me with a look of horror on his face and exclaimed in a shocked voice. “You’re joking!”

“Yeah, I am actually” I said, bursting into laughter.

Quickly joining in, he slapped me on the leg and shook his head “Jason! I believed you for a minute there!”

“Ah well, you shouldn’t believe everything you’re told”

“If I wasn’t driving I’d………..

I interrupted him quickly. “You’d what, break every bone in my body!”

“Don’t tempt me” he replied jokingly.

We burst out laughing and I suddenly realised that just being with him had already released all the pressure and stress caused by Aiden.

“I didn’t see you when I got off the train” I remarked, when the laughter had subsided.

“No, I was studying the timetables”

I gazed at him in alarm and struggled to keep the panic out of my voice. “Are you going somewhere?”

“If only I was!”

I held my breath and frowned with puzzlement. “What do you mean?"

There was nothing worse I could imagine than Nathan disappearing somewhere before I’d even had a real chance to get to know him. All sorts of dismal thoughts sprang to mind, spurred on by the complete change in his demeanour. He suddenly seemed to be totally fed up and depressed and I gazed at him anxiously.

“Don't look so worried Jase, I'm not going anywhere. But I am flattered that you don't want me too" he added with a flash of his old smile.

My reaction had obviously given away much more than I’d intended it to, but I was too interested in what was bothering him to care.

"So what is it Naith, what's the problem?" I asked eagerly

“Oh, you’ll probably think I'm been way too hard on him, but I got a call from dad last night” he explained, shaking his head despairingly “He’s coming to stay for a few days next week and he’s not sure whether to drive or catch the train”

I heaved an inner sigh of relief; glad that that was all there was to it. “That’ll be nice, seeing your dad again” I remarked tentatively

“If you say so” he grimaced, leaving me in no doubt whatsoever that nice was the last thing he thought it was.

“Where will he stay?”

“At the flat with me” he replied glumly “That’s why I want to go somewhere else! It does belong to him after all though, so I suppose I’ve got no choice”

“Oh yeah, course it does. I'd forgotten. Why is he coming anyway?” I asked cautiously, realising it was an extremely touchy subject to broach.

"Mum and dad are going abroad on Christmas Eve so he’ll want to make sure everything’s ok at the factory before it closes for Christmas”

“Oh right, so he’s not just coming to see you then”

He stared at me in amazement “You must be joking! It’s more likely he’s coming to check up on me”

I fell silent, longing to know why there was so much animosity between them but afraid to ask. As though he’d read my mind he carried on in a shaky voice.

“Let’s just say he doesn’t approve of me Jason”

It was a statement that could mean anything, and I couldn't help probing further “Why, what have you done?”

“I don’t consider that I’ve done anything wrong” he responded.

I gave him a look of puzzlement, struggling to understand. "What doesn’t he approve of then?”

I wanted to know everything I could about him and I waited eagerly for his reply. When he finally answered his voice was filled with emotion and he spoke in barely a whisper

“Oh I don’t know” he said, sighing wearily “I’ve tried my hardest to please him….. but ……Look, let’s just forget about him!"

His voice broke off and he fell silent. Taking his hand off the steering wheel for a moment he brushed it against his eyes, unsuccessfully trying to hide how upset he’d become. When I realized he wasn’t going to say anymore, I tentatively put my hand on his arm and gently rubbed it up and down, instinctively wanting to comfort him. He’d almost confided in me and all I could do was encourage him further.

“It’s ok Nathan, if you don’t want to talk about, I understand. But like I said, if you ever need to or want to, I'm here”

He smiled at me gratefully and I quickly removed my hand, painfully aware that I’d held it there too long. I hated to see him so upset but it was moments like these that made my heart surge and my longing to be even closer to him unbelievably strong. He regained his composure almost immediately and the cheerful smile returned to his face.

“Here we are” he announced “Home sweet home!”

As we stepped inside the flat, Nathan switched on the lights, instantly flooding the hallway with brightness. After the cold night air it felt warm and welcoming and we took off our coats and shoes, placing them out of sight in a cupboard. My feet sank into the luxurious pile carpet as we made our way to the lounge and Nathan indicated for me to sit down on the sofa whilst he put the kettle on.

"Tea or Coffee Jase?"

"Oh erm Coffee please"

"Milk and two sugars, right?"

"Yeah, thanks" I answered, please that he'd remembered.

I flopped down on the comfortable leather sofa and began reading one of Nathan's classic car magazines. In the kitchen the automatic kettle switched itself off with a click and a moment later Nathan came through to the lounge with two steaming mugs and placed them carefully on the glass coffee table. He turned towards me with a look of concern.

“So what’s the problem at work?” he suddenly asked, catching me unawares

The mention of work immediately reminded me what a crap day it had been, and he couldn't fail to notice my troubled expression.

"Jase?"

His voice was full of concern as he pressed me for an explanation "What's the matter?"

I gave a deep sigh and shook my head in despair. "Oh, you know, things aren't going too well at the moment"

"Why, what do you mean?" he asked insistently What things?"

I gave a deep sigh and began to explain what had happened, careful to leave out any mention of Aiden.

"Remember when I told you I was about thirty minutes late for work yesterday but managed to get away with it?

“Yeah”

“Well today it was even worse! All the trains were cancelled and I had to catch a bus into the city. By the time I got there, I was an hour and a half late!"

"It wasn't your fault though" Nathan reasoned "Surely they could see that"

"I think it probably would have been ok." I continued, dejectedly "My manager’s off and the supervisor said as long as I made the time up, she'd forget all about it"

"But?……." Nathan urged me, knowing there was more to follow.

I looked at him sheepishly, suddenly feeling extremely stupid. "But then I went and dropped an expensive computer, didn't I?”

"What did I say earlier about you being accident prone" he said, beginning to laugh.

I tried to keep my face serious but couldn't stop myself from joining in with his laughter. "It's not funny" I protested half heartedly

"Sorry. I shouldn't laugh"

He gave me a pretend look of remorse and I punched him playfully on the shoulder, unable to resist him "No, you shouldn't!"

"So what's going to happen now?"

"I've got to have an interview with Mr. Buchan, the manager, when he gets back tomorrow"

Nathan raised his eyebrows, and his expression became serious "What do you think he'll say?"

In reality my stomach was churning, but I tried to make light of it, grateful that he wasn't aware of the full story.

"I really don’t know to be honest"

If Aiden spilled the beans as he'd threatened to do, there was every chance that by tomorrow, I wouldn't even have a job. Nathan wasn't to know that however, and for now, that's the way I wanted to keep it. Nevertheless, the worry must have been evident in my expression and I think he may have suspected there was more to it. He attempted to ease my anxiety, resting his hand briefly on my shoulder.

"It'll be ok, you'll see" he reassured me "Don't worry"

I gave him a weak smile and sighed heavily, grateful for his support. "Oh well, I'll find out tomorrow, that's for sure"

We finished our coffee and I followed him to the kitchen and leant against the breakfast bar as he placed the empty cups in the dishwasher

"Is there anything this flat hasn't got" I remarked, nodding towards the cupboard door that concealed it.

"Yeah, a cleaner" he remarked "I've got to do it all by myself"

"Aww what a shame" I said in mock concern "I feel really sorry for you"

"Yeah, I bet you do" said Nathan laughing.

Suddenly a wet cloth came flying over the breakfast bar towards me and I just managed to duck out of the way in time. It sailed over my head and landed with a splat on the carpet behind me. Quick as a flash, I retrieved the dripping cloth, ignoring the thin stream of water that ran down my arm. Pausing only to take careful aim, I launched it back towards him in a low arc, catching him squarely on the forehead with a perfect shot. Streams of water ran down his face and I creased up with laughter at his expression of shock.

Too late I realized it was the snowball fight all over again and that was exactly what he wanted. He shouted out with a determined grin.

"Right, you'll pay for that!"

He quickly soaked the cloth under running water, and I ran away from him down the hallway, suddenly realizing that unless I could get out of the flat, there was nowhere else to go. I was there in no time and grasped the door handle firmly. When it refused to open, I remembered that Nathan had locked it when we came in and in a last-ditch attempt, tussled awkwardly with the key. It stubbornly refused to turn and finally accepting defeat, I turned around with my back to the door and found Nathan standing there with a triumphant grin plastered across his face.

"Going somewhere Jason?" he taunted, advancing a step closer. The cloth in his hand dripped a steady stream of water onto the carpet as he slowly lifted his hand.

"Don't you dare throw that Nathan!" I warned him "I'll be absolutely soaked"

"Nonsense" he laughed, advancing a step closer "A bit of water never hurt anyone"

"NATHAN!!......No!"

The cloth came flying towards me as he completely ignored my plea and I instinctively raised my hands to protect my face. It hit me in the stomach with a loud splat and momentarily took my breath away. The sound of Nathan's laughter filled the hallway, as rivulets of cold water began running down the front of my shirt, immediately soaking through to my stomach. Not sure whether to laugh or cry, I tentatively held the shirt away from my stomach and quickly pulled it free of my trousers.

"Aww Nathan! My shirt's wet through"

He creased up with laughter and shook his head "Take it off then. I'll put it in the tumble dryer, you'll be able to wear it again in no time"

I hesitated slightly, suddenly embarrassed to take it off in front of him. He put his hand out towards me to take it from me.

"C'mon Jase, there's no need to be shy" he said in a matter-of-fact voice "I’ve seen it all before, remember?"

I immediately turned bright red "That was different, I was drunk then. I didn't know anything about it"

"Jason! It’s not as if you're stripping naked or anything. It's only your shirt for Christ’s sake. And besides" he added as an afterthought "I can't think why you're embarrassed with a body like yours!”

He watched me as I reluctantly unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it off my shoulders.

"There! That wasn't too hard, was it?"

I desperately attempted to push the word hard from my mind, trying unsuccessfully to discourage what was happening below. My discomfort was rapidly turning into paranoia as I continued in a worried voice.

"What if someone knocks on the door Nathan, what are they going to think?" I asked him in an alarmed voice.

"Don't worry about it Jason" he laughed "I'll just tell them I ripped your shirt off in a fit of passion!"

My eyes opened wide and I stared at him in astonishment. He returned my stare with a shake of his head.

"I'm joking, you idiot. Who's going to knock on the door? And why does it matter anyway"

I couldn't believe some of the things that Nathan came out with, even when he was joking.

"Don't look so worried Jason" he continued with a puzzled look on his face. "Do you honestly think I'd say that?"

After what he'd just said I didn't dare to guess. "I really don't know" was the only answer I could muster.

There was a twinkle in his eyes as he answered his own question "I'd just say you wet your shirt and I'm drying it for you" he said simply, wandering down the hallway towards the kitchen.

The tumble dryer suddenly sprung into life with a whirring sound, invading my most intimate thoughts. Nathan reappeared shortly afterwards to solve my other immediate problem.

"Come on into the bathroom and I'll get you a towel to dry yourself with"

He opened a doorway opposite, and I followed him inside. The room was about four times the size of our bathroom at home and it looked like something out of a glossy magazine. The walls were covered from floor to ceiling with marble effect tiles that reflected the numerous gold fittings. The far wall housed double sinks and the entire space above them was one enormous mirror. A huge roll top bath stood in the centre of the room and I had a sudden vision of the two of us relaxing together in hot steamy water. As if the bath wasn’t enough, a double sized walk-in shower stood in one corner and I could see numerous water jets built into the walls.

“Wow, this is some bathroom” I remarked in admiration.

"Yeah" he replied nonchalantly "I suppose so"

I turned towards him in amazement "You suppose so!"

He smiled and handed me a towel. "I'm joking Jase. I know I'm pretty lucky to be able to stay in a place like this"

I self-consciously rubbed the towel up and down my bare stomach whilst he watched, making sure I handed it back to him as soon as possible.

“All dry now?”

“Yeah, thanks. But don't worry, I'll get you back" I warned, trying to hide a sly smile “That’s twice you’ve wet me now”

“When?” he exclaimed innocently, pretending not to know what I was talking about.

“You know very well” I chided him

I was beginning to recognise the look of devilment that signified he was about to do something to me and I backed away sub consciously, standing in front of the open shower door. Unfortunately, that was just what he wanted and he pushed me half inside, pretending to reach for the controls

“Tell you what Jase" he laughed "Might as well make it three times”

“No chance” I laughed, quickly pulling away from his grasp.

“Aww, spoilsport!”

He grimaced in mock disappointment and I wondered for a second if he really would have done it.

“Anyway, come and see the bedroom" he continued "I said I’d show you the rest of the flat”

For a fleeting moment an image of us taking a shower together flashed before my eyes and I shivered with desire before following him out of the bathroom. He opened a door further along the hallway and stood aside to let me enter.

“This is the master bedroom!” he announced, as if we were on some grand tour around a stately home

The large room was equally as impressive as the rest of the flat. Mirrored floor to ceiling wardrobes ran alongside the whole of one wall and the plush, beige coloured carpet matched the muted shades of magnolia paintwork. A huge wooden bed faced the door, and I imagined the neat and orderly bedclothes rumpled and creased as a result of Nathan’s lovemaking with some girl he barely knew.

“Just let me know if you ever need somewhere to erm, well you know………bring someone back to”

My eyes opened wide with alarm until I realised what he was talking about, but it still didn't stop me from asking “What do you mean?”

He rolled his eyes and tutted. “You know, someone you want to be alone with!" He explained patiently “I can soon make myself scarce”

“Oh, oh right. Yeah, I’ll let you know”

All I could muster was a weak smile and a brief nod of acknowledgement. If only he knew what was going through my mind right now, he would never have made such an offer. I was aching to tell him that the only person I would ever want to be alone with already lived here.

“You’re bound to meet someone before long you know” he went on.

I shook my head, unable to stop myself feeling slightly annoyed. “You’re beginning to sound like mum and dad”

“Sorry Jase, I didn’t mean to. I just thought if you ever needed anywhere to erm…...” He gazed at me pensively, unsure how to go on "Well, you know, the offers there"

I realised he was only trying to help and knew that my earlier response had been a bit offhand. This time I tried to sound a little more grateful

“Thanks Nathan. That’s great. I really appreciate it”

Most of the time I was loath to mention anything about girls to Nathan, yet at other times I found it hard not to, carefully analysing his reactions in the hope that I could find the tiniest bit of evidence that he might have developed some feelings for me that stretched beyond friendship.

“I met someone today actually” I remarked casually, watching him closely.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth his interest was aroused and I immediately regretted mentioning it. By then, however, it was far too late. Was it just my imagination, or had the merest hint of jealousy crept into his voice as he quickly pressed me for more details? I can't deny the thought gave me a tiny wave of hope in the vast ocean of cruel uncertainty that had lately become my life.

“Oh, right! So what was her name?”

“Nicole” I answered, in a disparaging tone.

“You don't sound very keen Jason! What was she like?”

I saw her shapely figure walking down the bus in my mind’s eye and knew that Nathan would have been more than impressed.

“Bit of a stunner actually” I mused, staring into space.

As an afterthought, I quickly made what I hoped was a convincing attempt to sound interested “She was pretty hot though!”

“Where did you meet her?”

“She sat next to me on the bus going to work” I explained

“So when are you meeting her again?” he asked

I still couldn’t decide if it was a figment of my imagination or if he was just a little bit jealous. After a brief moment of deliberation though, I wondered if it was just a case of him feeling the same way that I did. After all, he appeared to have about as many friends as I did. A big fat zero! As much as I desperately wanted him to be gay, I was pretty sure that Nathan was as straight as they come. Was he just a little afraid that I wouldn't be able to spend so much time with him if I had a girlfriend? If only he knew the truth!

“So when are you meeting her again?” he was asking, all traces of his ambiguity gone.

“I’m not”

“What do you mean, you’re not” he said in a surprised voice “This is your perfect chance!”

“I don’t think so” I answered decidedly “You didn’t meet her!”

“I wish I had by the sound of it” he said, winking at me. “A stunner…..hot! You said so yourself. What more do you want?”

“Jesus Christ Nathan, she was way too full on!!” I explained, relieved to have some kind of excuse to offer.

“Way too full on” he repeated. “How do you mean?”

I tried to impress upon him what she was like, but it didn’t seem to make any difference at all.

“She absolutely stunk of perfume for a start” I went on, turning my nose up. “And then she said my name sounded sexy. How ridiculous is that?”

“You're joking!!” he remarked, raising his eyebrows in amazement

“Sounds to me as if she was pretty interested in you though!”

I shivered at the thought and remembered how I’d cringed with embarrassment

“Oh, and this is the best bit. Next she started talking about her ex” I continued “She made some derogatory comment about the size of his….well you know….equipment” I exclaimed, nodding towards the front of his trousers “I couldn’t believe it!”

“Urgh, too much information”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed, feeling as though I’d justified my excuse for not wanting to go out with her.

Nathan chuckled to himself as he digested this latest bit of the story.

“What?” I asked him, suddenly wary of what he was about to say.

“I was just thinking...." he began, trying to stifle a grin "At least you wouldn't have disappointed her in that department” he remarked, laughing out loud. “She’d certainly have been impressed by the size of your equipment!”

I smiled at him aghast, to shocked by his remarks to respond properly “Nathan!!”

“It’s true” he laughed, slapping me on the bare stomach with the back of his hand "It is pretty impressive”

This was way beyond embarrassing and I gave him a sharp dig in the ribs.

“Ow! That hurt” he complained, unable to resist joining in with his laughter. It didn’t, however, stop him quizzing me further.

“So, she was quite some girl then?”

“You could say that” I agreed. “If the bus had been empty, I think she’d have jumped on me, no doubt about it.”

“Sex on the back seat of a bus eh!” he replied, laughing “Sounds good to me!”

“I even got a big sloppy kiss when she got off”

“Sounds like she was definitely smitten with you Jase”

“Yeah well, the feeling wasn’t mutual, I can tell you”

“So you won’t be going on a date with her then?” he asked, as if he didn't already know the answer.

“No way!” I said, shuddering “She did give me her phone number though. I should have kept it for you really, she was just you’re type!”

“Oh, and how do you know what my type is?” he asked with a wide grin.

I raised my eyebrows slightly and laughed at his expression of innocence. “Well, she was female and breathing for a start!”

A fleeting look of anguish crossed his face and I immediately regretted making the remark. I could hear the tone of hurt in his voice as he answered me.

“I’m not that bad, am I?”

“No, of course not. I was only joking” I said hurriedly.

He gazed at me with a frown, and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to apologise.

“I’m really sorry Naith, I shouldn’t have said that. It was just a light hearted comment, that’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it”

“Oh, you’re probably right anyway” he replied, sighing wistfully. “But I'm sure you know that finding the right person and falling in love isn’t that easy. At the end of the day all I want is to find someone special. Just like you”

Something about the melancholy way he spoke tugged at my heart strings and made me realise that ultimately, we were both looking for the same thing. Nathan was probably just experimenting before he found a girl to settle down with and start a family. I, on the other hand, was simply trying to find a meaningful relationship with someone of the same sex. I laughed at my use of the word simply. Most of the time it seemed like an impossible dream! Terrified to reveal my secret, the small-town mentality and abhorrent behaviour of people like Aiden and Craig made it seem all the more impossible. On the face of it, Nathan seemed to have the easier task. He was good looking, confident and full of fun. It should have been a breeze for him, yet here he was at almost 21, the steady girlfriend he secretly craved, nowhere in sight.

I was momentarily taken aback by the overwhelming sense of longing and sincerity in his voice, and I could hardly stop myself from reaching out to hug him. Nathan was baring his soul to me and his innermost feelings had come to the fore. Normally he was outwardly confident, and nothing seemed to faze him, but there was obviously a side to him that I hadn't often seen before and to be privy to such personal feelings made me feel incredibly close to him.

“That’s why our friendship means so much to me” he continued “When I’m with you, I don’t feel lonely anymore”

My heart raced at his unexpected words and I felt choked, as simultaneous feelings of elation and disappointment surged through me. The situation couldn’t have been more ironic. Here I was, standing in my best friend’s bedroom with no shirt on, listening to him say how much he needed me. On the other hand, I couldn't kiss him, or hold him close as I longed to do, and it tore me up inside. If only he wasn’t straight, I would have been in absolute heaven.

I faced a constant inner struggle to justify my reasons. Although he may well understand my sexuality, if I spilled my heart, Nathan was the only light in an increasingly dark place, and if there was even the slightest chance of extinguishing that light, right now it was a risk I wasn’t prepared to take. I may be stupid, I may be a wuss, but if you haven’t been in my position it’s hard to comprehend. I’d been without any good friends for virtually my whole life now and I wasn’t about to jeopardise the best thing that had ever happened to me, even if the risk turned out to be minimal. I instinctively knew that Nathan would help me through the dark times, even if he wasn’t fully aware what they were. His smile lifted my spirits to unimaginable heights, his laugh wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket and his raw sexuality oozed from every pore of his perfect body, flooding me with lust and desire. On top of all that, there was this sad vulnerability about him that made me want to constantly protect and nurture him. The way I almost seemed to feel his pain as if it were my own. To lose all that would be impossible to bare. The simple truth was, I needed him more than anything. Even if it was sometimes incredibly painful and nigh on impossible to keep my secret from him, I intended to remain Nathan's friend for as long as he wanted me to, fully aware that it was the next best thing to being his lover.

I quickly pushed such philosophical thoughts from my mind to respond with equal gusto.

“Thanks Nathan. You don’t know how much that means to me”

“I’m just so glad we met” he exclaimed

“Yeah, me too”

We both fell silent, suddenly embarrassed by our impromptu display of mutual openness. It was one of those awkward moments when neither one of us knew what to say or do and I gave a nervous laugh, quickly changing the subject before I blurted out something I might live to regret.

“Do you think my shirt might be dry yet? I asked him “I ought to be getting home”

The spell of awkwardness between us was instantly broken and Nathan's cheerful demeanour quickly returned.

“Finish your coffee and I’ll go see” he smiled, heading out of the room.

I followed him down the hallway to the lounge and sat on the sofa. By now the coffee was lukewarm and as I quickly gulped it down, the clock on the wall caught my eye. Surprised that the time had passed by so quickly, I gathered up the cups and took them into the kitchen. Nathan was standing near the sink, holding the shirt up by the collar and running his hand over the material.

“Yeah, should be ok now” he said, handing it to me.

“Thanks Nathan”

The material was lovely and warm against my skin and for a few seconds I savoured the feeling, before smiling my appreciation at him.

“Right, I’d better drive you home then” he said

“Thanks. I don't know where the times gone tonight”

"It's the sparkling company you keep Jase"

"Oh! And I thought I'd spent the time with you!"

"Very funny!"

He shook his head in mock dismay, but I knew that he'd enjoyed showing me around the flat. For my part, it was amazing how much better I felt since meeting him earlier. A truly awful day at work had turned into a relaxing evening spent with someone I'd come to care about a great deal. We left the flat a few minutes later for the journey home to Dryford.

The bungalow was in darkness when we got there, and I was reluctant to get out of the warm car.

“Mum and dad gone to bed?” enquired Nathan.

“Yeah, they usually go pretty early. Dad needs his rest”

He nodded his understanding and I turned towards him and smiled, wishing more than anything we could share a goodnight kiss. Unfortunately, there was no chance and an unwelcome rush of cold air blew into the car as I reluctantly opened the door

“I’d better go in, but thanks for tonight”

“You’re welcome Jase, I really enjoyed it too. I’ll see you tomorrow night at the station” he said, returning my smile.

“Ok Naith, see you then. And thanks again for bringing me home”

“No problem Jase. See you tomorrow.”

I leant on the gate and watched him turn the car around, matching his wave as he crawled slowly past the bungalow and disappeared from sight.