Thicker Than Water - 12. Chapter 12

Monday came way too soon. Bryan and Caleb got up and made their way to the table. Diego was already awake making breakfast. Steve had already left for work, leaving Diego to drop the boys off on his way to the restaurant. Nobody spoke. Though Caleb was a morning person, he didn't want to get caught in the crossfire of his brother and father.

“Am I still grounded?” Bryan asked, putting his bowl in the sink.

“No,” Diego said, pouring himself a second cup of coffee. “Why?”

“I was wondering if I could go to Kenny's after school.”

Diego gave his son an appraising look. “I don't know, Chico. I'm assuming you want to talk to Kenny about you two falling out, correct?”

“Yeah,” Bryan said sheepishly.

“It isn't that I don't trust you, but I don't want either of you to get hurt again. Are you going to be able to tell him how you feel this time?”

“I think so,” he said, though he could feel his resolve weakening by the minute.

“I thought you wanted me to be there for moral support.”

“I do...I mean, I did. I don't know, Dad. This is just awkward enough without having other people around, you know?”

“I do, Chico, but if you can't be open and honest with Kenny this time, you could lose him forever. Is that something you think you can risk and handle if things fall apart again? Because, I'm not sure either of you can. Don't get me wrong, though. I think you wanting to handle this on your own is very brave and mature, but we both know you don't like these kinds of situations. With that said, I'll support whatever decision you make, so you have my permission to go to Kenny's; however, if you change your mind and want to talk here instead, send me a text, and I'll make sure to be here.”

“What about work?”

“I'm leaving early to meet with a lawyer. With Calvin showing his face, I don't want to take any chances.”

“Yeah,” Bryan replied, still questioning if he should tell Diego about Calvin's message. Choosing not to mention it at that time, he finished getting ready for school.

As they pulled up to the school, Kenny was nowhere to be seen. Bryan's heart sank as he got out of the car and walked towards Terra, who was sitting on the steps.

“Have you seen him?” Bryan asked.

“Not yet,” she replied, linking her arm with Bryan's. “I'm sure you'll see him, though. He told me what happened, and I can't say that I blame him for being upset, but this is just very sudden and new, right?”

“Yeah,” Bryan said, “it just happened, and I haven't really had a lot of time to think about it.”

Terra scoffed a little and said, “I know you don't give a shit about your mom dying, so you've had an entire weekend to think about it.”

“Yeah, I don't care that she's dead, but then at the funeral, Calvin showed up.”

“And you're just now saying something?! Bryan Anthony Padilla—!”

“—That's not my middle name—“

“I get you're having problems with Kenny, but you don't just casually throw out there that the bastard who abandoned you showed up at your mother's funeral!”

“You know, the way you put that makes it all sound like a lame YA novel you can only find online.”

“Shut up!” She said and playfully slapped his arm.

“Either way, it happened, but I'm far more concerned about Kenny right now.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Um, no, that's why I'm looking for him,” Bryan said in a slightly condescending tone.

“Not Kenny, dumbass! Your birth father! You can't drop a bombshell like that without telling me all about it!”

Bryan sighed heavily. Bryan ran down what happened at the service and Calvin contacting him. Though it was good to talk to someone about it, he still felt that couldn't quite tell Diego just yet.

“I wish I could talk to my birth father,” Terra said sadly. “It sucks he died in the war.”

“Yeah,” Bryan said. “Wish mine died, though. It's not like it would've made a difference for me and Caleb.”

“True, but it would've made a huge difference for me, I think. I'd at least have another parent to live with.”

Bryan wrapped his arm around Terra's shoulders and gave her a side hug. If there was one relationship Bryan had that wasn't ever going to be complicated, it was his and Terra's.

Bryan made his way through the halls looking for Kenny, but wasn't able to find him. His luck wasn't any better at lunch, either, so Bryan decided to ambush Kenny during 6^th period.

“Hey,” he said, coming up behind the boy in the locker room. Kenny jumped, having been lost in his own thoughts. Kenny looked scared and uncertain, which hurt Bryan's heart. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Kenny said, quickly looking away towards the floor. He began to fidget with his gym shorts.

“Doing anything after school?” Bryan asked.

“Not really.”

Bryan wanted to pull Kenny into a hug and hold him, to tell his friend everything he felt, to tell the entire class that he was in love with Kenny, but after the way Kenny reacted with a simple handhold, Bryan fought his urges with immense strength of will. “Can I come over and talk?”

Kenny finally lifted his face and locked eyes with Bryan. He loved Bryan's dark brown eyes. There was a natural smile about them that made Kenny feel safe and welcomed. That smile was still there, but Kenny's feelings were not. He averted his gaze once more and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

Bryan's mouth went dry. He looked around to see if anyone was watching them. Luckily, most of the boys had left for class already, while the rest were having their own conversations. “I want to talk about what we talked about the last time we talked.” His head hurt very much from that sentence and hoped it made sense, since he wasn't sure even he understood it.

“Why?” Kenny asked. “You made it pretty clear last time.”

“I don't think I did, though. I just want to talk to you, to make things the way they used to be, before I got stupid—“

“You mean before you kissed me, right?” Kenny whispered, cautiously looking around.

“What? No! I don't regret ever doing that...do you?”

“I don't know,” Kenny replied. “Sometimes I wish you hadn't, you know....”

“Again, you—you knowed—me,” Bryan said, hoping to rekindle the joke, but he overestimated Kenny's willingness to joke around, as his friend started to tear up. “Shit! Kenny, please don't! Fuck! Why does this have to be so hard?”

Kenny sat on a bench and buried his face in his shorts. A few classmates walked by looking concerned, and Bryan said, “He stubbed his toe; he'll be fine.” Bryan didn't care if his story was believable, but it was enough for the other boys to walk away. “Please, Kenny, please can we talk after school? I miss you, and I don't want to lose you, please!”

Kenny wiped his face clean and looked at Bryan once more. He saw the urgency on his friend's face and agreed. He missed Bryan, too, but he also didn't want to hurt anymore. Kenny wasn't in the mood to go to class, not that he ever really was, but he was tired and emotionally drained. “How about we go to my house now?”

Bryan couldn't help but grin. “Are you suggesting we skip class?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kenny said, unable to stop himself from giggling. “Mom won't be home for a while, and I doubt she'll get pissed.”

“Dad might get a little angry, but I'll send him a text explaining things.” Bryan stood and watched Kenny put his regular clothes back on. He couldn't stop himself from checking out his friend. They had never had a problem undressing in front of each other before, and even had seen each other naked on a couple of occasions, but this was different. Before they might as well have been brothers, and there was definitely nothing sexual about it. However, as hormones kicked in and sexual awareness moved to the forefront of his mind, Bryan couldn't help but see Kenny in a different light.

Kenny was on the short side and just a little over average weight, so he had enough baby fat on him to not look skeletal. He had silver-gray eyes and dirty blonde hair that his mother cut to save money. Kenny's glasses were oversized with thick rims, which added to the boy's dorky look, but Bryan thought they made him look cute, as he had a thing for nerdy boys.

“Ready?” Kenny asked, aware that Bryan was staring at him.

“Uh, yeah, I'm ready.”

Kenny stopped, looked intently at Bryan and said very seriously, “You've got something on your face.”

“Really? What is it?” Bryan asked, wondering if it was some mustard from his hot dog.

Kenny reached up, gently rubbed his thumb over Bryan's bottom lips and said, “You have a little bit of drool on your lip.” Kenny stuck his thumb in his mouth and walked away just in time to hide his impish smile.

Bryan's heart beat heavily against his chest, his face turned red, and his body reacted as you'd expect from a flustered 14-year-old boy, as Bryan followed his friend from the locker room.

Kenny lived a couple blocks from the school in the opposite direction from Bryan. They walked in silence, as tensions rose. Bryan didn't know what to make of Kenny's actions in the locker room. It was playful, sure, and definitely flirtatious, but they went back to not talking the second they stepped outside. He just didn't get it.

As they walked, Bryan sent his dad a text explaining what they were doing. It didn't take very long for Diego to reply, and he wasn't happy with his son, as Bryan had missed a chunk of the school year thus far, and it was still September. Diego said that he would pick Bryan up from Kenny's once he was done talking to a lawyer, and then they'd have a very serious conversation about skipping school without permission. Bryan was certain that he was going to be grounded again.

Kenny lived in a low-income apartment complex. His mother did odd jobs to make extra cash, while collecting social security. She wasn't the most emotionally stable person Bryan had met, but unlike his own mother, Kenny's didn't turn to drugs to run away from her mental health issues. Kenny once told Bryan that his dad couldn't take his mother's mood swings, which is why he left. Kenny still spoke to the man who lived in Franklin, but due to lack of money for gas, wasn't able to visit very much. Kenny was out to both his parents, who took the news better than expected.

The complex itself looked nice enough. There were 8 stand alone buildings, each with 12 sets of apartments; six upstairs and six down stairs. In the middle of the complex was a small playground. Unlike what most people thought of such places, this complex was kept clean and everyone was respectful of each other. There was no trash, junk cars, strung out people, loud music, or little kids running around without diapers. If he hadn't already known, Bryan could've easily assumed it was a middle class apartment complex. Kenny didn't have many friends there, and Bryan only knew one other kid who lived in the complex but they didn't socialize.

“Want something to drink?” Kenny asked once they got settled.

“Water, please,” Bryan replied, guessing that Kenny probably didn't have much of anything else.

They went to Kenny's room after getting their drinks. Kenny didn't keep a tidy living space. Clothes and garbage littered the floor, while the bed wasn't made. Diego would lose his shit, Bryan thought, knowing that this dad was a clean freak. Kenny clearly wasn't raised with much structure.

“So,” both boys said, causing them to blush. “I—“ they echoed once more, causing them to break out in giggles.

Bryan took a deep, settling breath and said, “I'm sorry for hurting you. I really am.” Kenny lost his smile and nodded solemnly. “I'm broken,” Bryan continued. “I know I am. I didn't spend years in therapy to not think I'm okay, because I'm not. We both know I'm not...but that doesn't mean I don't love you.” Kenny perked up a bit. “When you left my house...it hurt so much. I don't think I have ever hurt that bad before.”

“Not even when your bio dad left?”

Bryan honestly didn't remember a lot from back then, and most of what he knew came from Diego. “Probably. I can't remember ever feeling like I did. You're my best friend, Kenny. You've always been. I want us to be friends again.”

Kenny didn't know how to feel at the moment. A part of him wanted to lash out and make Bryan hurt the way he himself had hurt. Another part wanted to forget everything and try to move on. Another part, he tried desperately to ignore, wanted to pull Bryan into another kiss...and maybe more....

“We can't go back, Bryan. It's too late for that.”

“Why not?” Bryan felt his anxiety start to rise.

“I've told you that I'm in love with you. I can't and won't take that back. I know how I feel about you, and I can't hide it anymore. I've known I've been in love with you since our first kiss. In order for us to go back, I'd have to pretend that I don't like you like that. I'd have to pretend those kisses didn't happen. I'd have to pretend that my feelings for you aren't real. That's something I can't do.”

“But I said I love you,” Bryan said, feeling the walls slowly moving towards him in the already small and cluttered bedroom.

“But you didn't say you're in love with me. You still haven't said it.”

“What's the difference? Me loving you isn't any different than me being in love with you.”

“There's a huge difference! I love my mom, and you love your dad, but we're not in love with them. I love you the way my parents once loved each other, and I want us to love each other the way your dad loves Steve. I want that for us, but we can't have that until you tell me that you're in love with me.”

“Why can't you wait until I'm able to say it? It's not that I don't feel like you do. I'm scared, Kenny. I'm scared that, if I say that phrase, you're going to leave me.”

“I'm not your bio dad, and neither are you.”

“We don't know if I'm like him or not! I barely remember the bastard and what little I do remember isn't very good. I know I loved him and he left. I'm sure I loved my mom, too, and she abandoned me, as well. I have no doubt that I loved my whole biological family, and not one of them was willing to take me and Caleb in! Diego has been the only person, aside from Caleb, that I've loved that hasn't left me.”

“I haven't left you,” Kenny said in a small voice, feeling wounded, “so are you saying that you don't love me?”

Bryan was feeling extremely frustrated. He felt that Kenny was twisting his words, being unreasonable and just trying to be difficult. “That's not what I said or meant. I feel about you the way you feel about me. I just can't say it out loud yet. It scares the shit out of me, Kenny. Why can't you see and accept that? Why won't you give me the benefit of the doubt and give me the time to say it? Why does it have to be now?”

“Because, I want to hear you say it, so I know it's real.”

“Saying the words doesn't make it anymore real for me, though.”

“It does for me. You can tell me all day long that you want to tell me you're in love with me, but if you really want to tell me that, then you should just say it. It's like saying, 'I really want to tell you that I want ice cream.' And I say, 'then tell me you want ice cream, and I'll get us some.' But then, you're like, 'I can't tell you for some reason, but I really want to.' It makes no sense to me, Bryan. I have told you everything about me, trusted you more than anyone else, but you can't trust me enough to open up and say that you're in love with me. Why?”

Bryan felt like the conversation was just moving in a circle. Kenny just couldn't understand how afraid he was about turning out like Calvin. Yes, if they were talking about ice cream, Kenny's statement would definitely make sense; however, they were talking about Kenny's feelings and their friendship, which was nothing close to ice cream.

“Kenny,” Bryan said, in a calm but tense voice, “I don't know how else to explain it to you.” Bryan stood, grabbed his backpack and walked towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Kenny asked, his own panic setting in.

“Home. You clearly need more than I can give right now, and you're unwilling to give me the time to give it to you. We're still friends, Kenny, but maybe we should just be friends.” Bryan turned away quickly and left the apartment so Kenny wouldn't see him cry.