Chapter Forty-Seven – That Guy

The door to his bedroom opened. It had to be August again, coming to check on him. For another hour, he could pretend he was still asleep. As much as he insisted on remaining on the sofa downstairs, August had insisted back that he needed to rest and being here inside his old room gave him at least a semblance of safety.

The bed dipped by his side and a hand landed on his shoulder. It wasn’t August, so he forced himself to shake off the fragmented slumber he had battled with for the last several hours since coming back home from the hospital.

“Dad,” he said and hid his face in the crook of his elbow.

His parent’s rough and warm hand moved to the back of his neck and squeezed gently. “I came as soon as I could. I dropped by the hospital first. Your neighbor, Mrs. Kingsley, told me where to go.”

In the end, it had been Florence who called his dad, as his stubbornness about contacting Roy had only increased over the painful hours of waiting.

“Any change?” he asked without removing his head from the illusory shelter of his arms.

“No, not yet. But I’ve talked to the doctors treating her. It seems she must have been taking medication by the handful. She will need proper supervision. Even after she wakes up from her coma. She’s a danger to herself, and she needs to be institutionalized.”

“That will cost a lot. That means I--”

“That means I will take care of everything,” Roy interrupted him. “Rusty, there’s no job you can get that would enable you to cover such expenses.”

Of course, he wasn’t even good enough to care for his mom. He knew that. But that didn’t mean it diminished the revolt he felt growing inside him.

“You see about your school, your friends,” his dad continued. “This isn’t for you to bear, do you understand?”

Roy began caressing his head. Rusty wanted to howl and cry at the same time. Was a family drama of such proportions really necessary for his dad to show him a bit of understanding?

“I fought with her,” he said, speaking with his face hidden from view. “I should have just… let her have the last word and all. It was the least I could do. And are you sure your present wife is okay with you paying for the care of your ex-wife?” His words were so bitter he couldn’t hold them in.

Roy sighed and shifted his position. The presence of his dad made him feel oddly calm, as if he hadn’t endured such a storm of emotions until he had walked into the room.

“You never call her by her name.”

“Why should I?” Rusty hated that he was being unfair toward a stranger – which Roy’s current wife had always remained to him – but he felt better talking.

“Of course.”

“That’s all you have to say? Aren’t you going to put me in my place?”

“Under these conditions? No, Rusty. Anger is not going to help you, either.”

“Anger? Do you think I’m angry?” The way he raised his voice only made it obvious that he was overwhelmed by blind fury. “I shouldn’t have talked to her like that, I shouldn’t have let her think that I’m just like you, I--”

“Rusty.” His dad didn’t say his name louder than usual, but there was a firmness in it that made him stop. “Don’t feel guilty.”

He straightened up and looked at his dad. “I was responsible for her, wasn’t I? How can you tell me not to feel guilty?”

“Just listen to me for a moment.” Roy met his eyes, and it was maybe the first time Rusty realized that his dad was growing old. His hair was thinning, and there were more wrinkles on his face than ever before. That simple understanding landed like a rock in his stomach. He felt like crying again, but tears had never been the right choice when dealing with Roy Parker. No matter the circumstances.

“You’re not responsible for your mother,” his dad continued. “The only one who should pay for it all, and I’m certainly not exclusively talking about money here, is me.”

“Are you saying that you should have never left her?” And me?

Roy shook his head. “When we’re young, we think we know everything. Your mom and I, we kept on refusing to see that we weren’t good for each other. We were so different. That’s why we didn’t work out.”

“You two must have had something in common,” Rusty shot back.

“Yes, of course. There was attraction. But that’s not enough to build a home and a life, my son. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t ruin someone else’s life just because you think she’s perfect for you.”

“A little too late to dole out life advice, don’t you think?”

“Be mad at me if you want, Rusty. You have a right to be.”

“Seriously?” Rusty felt his outrage from earlier being replaced by confusion.

“Yes. The only reason you feel like this right now, why you think you’re responsible for your mom is because I put you in charge.”

Rusty searched his mind. Had his dad ever said words like ‘take care of your mom’ or other things like that? But maybe he hadn’t needed to say them; Rusty had thought them all anyway.

“I left you with her because I couldn’t stand leaving her all alone.”

“What?” Rusty blinked a few times, ignoring the wetness of his eyelashes. “What do you mean by that?”

Roy sighed and ran one hand over his face. “I treated her emotional instability merely as a sign of an artistic personality. But then the truth hit me in the face. She was sick, and that meant I could never be happy with her.”

“So you ran away,” Rusty said and the accusatory words fell between them like a rock into a deep pond.

“I loved your mom, Rusty,” Roy said instead of offering a proper reply. “And because I didn’t want her to continue to face the world alone, I decided to leave you with her.”

“Wait, what are you saying? You could have taken me with you?” Rusty couldn’t believe his ears.

Roy offered him a look that combined pity with embarrassment. “Her condition didn’t prevent her from continuing to be a mom to you, but it was all a grey area, according to the lawyers at least. If I had fought to get full custody, the chances were I could have obtained it.”

“And you just chose to… you didn’t choose me,” Rusty whispered. His ears were ringing and he rolled onto his back so that he could look away from his parent. “Just because you didn’t want to leave her alone? Is that the lie you tell yourself?”

“Rusty,” his dad said in a reproachful yet ineffective tone.

“No, I get it,” Rusty said as he continued to stare stubbornly at the ceiling. “I was a burden you didn’t care about.”

“Are you saying that you would have preferred to leave your mom behind, too?”

The words hit home. This was exactly the same thing his mom had said, right? He was blaming his dad for running away, but he was his father’s son, as all his actions showed.

“You could’ve, at least, dropped by more often than once every several months,” he said through his teeth. “But you were busy being happy, weren’t you?”

“I guess I deserve your anger.”

“You do. And don’t expect me to be grateful that you’re paying for mom’s care.”

“I don’t. I only told you about it so that you don’t take a bigger burden on your shoulders than you can carry. That is all.”

Rusty moved his arm away when his dad tried to touch him. “Why didn’t you come more often, dad?”

“You’re not a child anymore. Do you really want us to rehash old history?”

“I do. So tell me why you chose to forget all about me. You felt guilty, didn’t you? Each time you visited here.”

“Yes, I did,” Roy said, his voice louder and filled with exasperation. “When you finally grow up, you’ll realize that life is not easy, and we don’t always make the right choices.”

“Make that never.”

Roy slammed his knees and got to his feet. “Your mom would have continued to be unhappy even if I had stayed, Rusty. But maybe she would have blamed me more than she did you. That’s my debt to you.”

A debt that money wouldn’t cover, ever, Rusty wanted to throw that in his dad’s face. And this was what he was doing now, by coming in and paying for the medical expenses, like usual. Nothing had changed and, as Roy walked out of the room with a soft goodbye, he came to the frightening realization that the empty space he had always thought his dad could fill was going to remain void.

***

“What did you and your dad talk about?” August began needling him as they were driving back to Sunny Hill.

“Basically, about what an asshole he’s been to me my whole life,” Rusty replied.

“Oh, wow, heavy stuff.”

He couldn’t blame August for trying to lighten the mood, but he was sick of everything, himself in particular. His dad had said a lot of things, but he had left out the obvious. That he had preferred to have a whole new family instead of bringing with him the kid that would remind him of his ex-wife, emotionally unstable and who only wanted to make him unhappy. He didn’t need to hear the words spoken aloud. The truth was stark and obvious.

Maybe he should be happy that his dad hadn’t forgotten him altogether. Right. Was partial abandonment any better than total abandonment? At least, with the latter, you’d know where you stood, right? But the morsels of attention thrown his way, that whole pretense that he still cared, had only continued to give him hope that would never come to anything.

“You’re so silent,” August said. “This isn’t like you.”

“Well,” he said and gripped the wheel harder, “maybe this is the real me.”

“Come on. Would you like some cheese with that whine?”

“Screw you, August. My mom’s in the hospital, still unconscious. My dad just told me that he chose to be free and get a new family, kids included, instead of fighting to get full custody of me. So, yeah, I’m very comfortable in this pity party of one, thank you very much.”

“And none of the shit you’ve just told me has anything to do with you.” August turned toward him, as much as the seatbelt allowed her. “Hey, they’re fucking grownups, pardon my French. I know you’re in no mood to hear some hard little truths, but here they are. Your mom shouldn’t have taken so many pills and neglected you all her life because a man walked out on her. And your dad should have been at least ten percent less of a coward and worked at least a little harder for you. The problem isn’t you. It’s them.” With that, she straightened back up in her seat, pulling at the lapels of her leather jacket, her lips pursed in a grim line.

She could run her mouth all she wanted. But that didn’t change the facts. His mom was lying in a coma because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. All her yelling that he was his father’s son? Yeah, it had the ring of truth in it. But, then again, he was also hers, and what did that mean?

He knew exactly why his dad hadn’t wanted to take him along when he left. He was too much like his mom, yes, artistic, but also reckless, irresponsible, immature, and all that. By the time they had started fighting before the divorce, Rusty had been old enough to understand all of those words.

And they all described him oh-so-perfectly.

***

He had barely made it one step into the house when Maddox pulled him into a hard hug. For a moment, he let his bestie do his thing and then patted him on the back to make him let go. He looked around at everyone there. His pity party didn’t need guests.

“Come on, guys,” he said in a casual tone, “don’t be like this. She’s going to be fine. The doctors say so.”

Jonathan walked closer and hugged him, too, which was a big thing because Hamilton wasn’t usually a touchy-feely guy.

“All right, all right,” he continued. “Who’s next?”

Kane hugged him so hard that a few joints popped. “We’re with you, buddy.”

“I know, I know.” Getting out of that tight grip wasn’t easy, but he managed. The knot of coiled snakes in his gut was starting to get restless at all of the displays of affection from his friends.

Dex grabbed him by the back of the neck and looked him in the eyes. “Rusty,” he said, “did you lose your phone or something?”

Of course. His phone had blown up with calls and messages, and he had ignored them all, unfit to deal with responding to everyone. Even now, being surrounded by so many people made him feel like the sooner he could get away, the better.

“Nope. It’s right here,” he replied and showed them by pulling his phone out of his pocket.

Dex smiled and slapped him lightly upside the head. “Good. Do you need a crash course on how to use one of these new and wonderful devices?”

Rusty couldn’t fight a grin. Dex was one intelligent mofo. He knew too much affection made him feel icky. “Maybe later. You guys, don’t mind if I go crash in my room, right? I’m beat.”

“No, of course not.” That was Jonathan, always the caring one. “I’m going to bring you some chocolate chip cookies later. We didn’t know when you’d arrive, so I postponed getting started on them.”

Who needed parents when he had such a great group of friends to lean on? That was one lame joke. He was bone-tired but something more than that. He wanted to be alone, which was new for him, because as long as he’d known himself he had preferred to be surrounded by people, especially so he didn’t have to deal with that frightening feeling of isolation.

***

Matty almost knocked the phone on the floor in his haste to grab it when it began ringing. Waiting for Rusty’s return had made him particularly anxious, and it was only because of his good reflexes that his phone didn’t hit the floor, face first.

“Yes?”

“Hey, Matty,” Maddox’s voice came through. “Rusty just arrived. He went to crash in his bed, but feel free to drop by as soon as you want. When he wakes up, I bet he’s going to be happy to see you. Also, Jonathan’s making chocolate chip cookies. I hope this offer is enough to bribe you to come here and cheer Rusty up.”

“How is he?” Matty asked, his heart in his throat.

“As you might expect. But the good news is that the doctors say that his mom is going to be fine. We haven’t talked to him a lot because he wasn’t in the mood to chat. We know most of the details from my mom, anyway.”

“Okay, I’ll come by,” Matty said. “And thank you, Maddox.”

“No sweat. I told you we’d call as soon as he got here. See you soon, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

Matty took a deep breath after the conversation ended and then ran his fingers through his hair. Rusty needed him now more than ever. How silly he had been to agonize so much over his confession when there were so many bigger things in play.

That confession could wait. Now, Rusty needed a friend, and Matty intended to be that friend, even if there were all the others already at the house, supporting him. He was the closest to Rusty, right? Jonathan had said so and he’d known Rusty for some time.

***

He waited awkwardly, his bag still on his shoulder, debating whether he should spend some time with the guys downstairs or just go up to see Rusty. Maddox was the one who saved him from that dilemma. “You can go up and try to see if our sleeping beauty is awake, Matty. Since he can be a beast when he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, none of us is brave enough to risk his skin. Consider yourself our human sacrifice.”

Matty felt a bit better when Maddox smiled reassuringly. “Okay, I’ll do that.”

“Remind him that Jonathan has decided to make cookies in the middle of the week only for him.”

Everything seemed all right at the house. That meant that Rusty felt a bit better, Matty concluded. Since he had tried his phone number several times since learning from Maddox and Jonathan about what had happened with his mom, the silence that met all his attempts had served only to convince him that Rusty wasn’t ready to talk.

That must have changed if all his old friends were in such a good mood. Matty climbed the stairs, feeling energized and in the best comforting mood he could be. No one had to tell him that.

Once on the landing, he waited for a moment before walking toward Rusty’s bedroom. To think that he had become so familiar with this place that it felt as if he was walking through his own home. It all had to do with the guy behind the door in front of which he now stood.

He knocked lightly. If Rusty was still asleep, Matty would like to let him rest a bit more. However, the raspy ‘come in’ convinced him that wasn’t the case.

The first thing he noticed when he walked in was how bloodshot Rusty’s eyes were. He looked like someone who’d been crying, and that was understandable, only it was a shock to see the carefree king of Sunny Hill in a state like that. Rusty was sitting on the edge of the still made bed, which meant that he hadn’t slept at all yet.

“Hi Rusty. I heard about your mom.” Matty made a move toward the bed, wondering if it were all right to offer a hug. Something about the way Rusty held his body, rigid and unyielding, made him think that he might have to wrench one out of him.

“Yeah.” A wan smile and tired eyes welcomed him. “Sorry I didn’t answer the phone. All those boys downstairs are making a big deal over it.”

Matty hesitated for just one more moment, and then he finally took it upon himself to sit on the bed by Rusty’s side. They were very close, but they weren’t touching. That was something that had to be corrected.

Matty put a hand on Rusty’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry about everything. And I get why you didn’t answer your phone. This whole thing must have been difficult for you.”

Something in Rusty’s eyes hardened. “Not as difficult as for my mom, I can tell you that.”

This was more than pain. Matty didn’t know what it was. “It was an accident, right?”

“Yeah, an accident.” Rusty looked away, breaking eye contact. “So, did the guys send you to check on me? You can go back down and tell them that I’m not hungry yet.”

“I’d rather stay here with you,” Matty said bravely.

“Why?”

The question took him by surprise. There was something very odd about their whole interaction but he couldn’t put his finger on what. “Because I’m your friend, and I want to be here for you.”

“Yeah, okay. But I have to warn you, I’m not the most pleasant company right now.”

“And I don’t expect you to be.” Matty put one arm around Rusty’s shoulders.

To his surprise, Rusty shook off his touch and got to his feet. Matty took in the turned back, the hunched shoulders.

“Look, Matty, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like sunshine and rainbows right now.”

“That’s understandable. And I’m not here for that,” Matty hurried to say.

Rusty’s clenched fists betrayed a different state of emotion than what Matty had expected to see. It made his chest hurt, and he wanted to hear all about it, so that he could know what to do to make it go away or at least less of a burden.

“Well, that’s too bad,” Rusty murmured.

“What’s going on? Why are you mad?” Matty asked. Rusty was mad. He was sure of it.

“Besides the obvious?” Rusty asked louder, and snorted, a sound that seemed an expression of self-deprecation. “You see, Matty, I’m basically a piece of shit whose last words to his mom while she was still conscious were enough to make her so upset that she fell down the stairs and ended up in a coma. Do you need me to tell you more?”

Rusty turned his head but didn’t look at him, only offering his profile, his lips set, his eyebrows drawn into a tight frown, his entire face, usually all a smile, now a genuine mask of pain.

Matty jumped to his feet. He grabbed Rusty by the arms and shook him. “That is not true, Rusty! I know you’re upset about what happened to her, but don’t say things like that about yourself.”

The green eyes seemed blank as they rested on him. “Why? They are the truth, Matty.”

He shook his head vehemently. “No, no, that’s not true. You’re wonderful, you’re this great person, you’re--”

“The king of Sunny Hill? The best party planner on campus? The star of the basketball team? The guy who can joke about anything and anyone?”

Matty didn’t like the way Rusty was saying those words, as if he was listing bad things about himself. “You’re much more than that. I’m not talking about those things.”

“But I am, and I want you to listen to all of this, because it’s the truth. I’m just a superficial asshole--”

“You’re not!”

The force of his words seemed to take Rusty aback. His eyes seemed to clear for a moment. “Why do you say that? Can’t you see who I am? Why do you keep telling me these things? Because you want to comfort me? Make me feel better?”

“No, Rusty.”

“Then why?”

“Because I love you, dammit!”

The stunned silence that followed made them both hold their breath. Matty knew it cost him everything to keep staring into Rusty’s eyes. There were no more masks between them now.

“Okay, Matty, you can see yourself out,” Rusty said suddenly and moved away. “I’m not in the mood for jokes. I know you want to make me feel better, but stuff like this isn’t funny.”

“I’m not joking.” Matty felt like every word was a wrong step but he didn’t want to deny it anymore. “I’m in love with you, and I have been for a long time.”

Rusty walked to the door and opened it wide. Then, he gestured at it with his chin, without saying another word.

Matty shook his head, feeling pain and anger blending inside him like an explosive. Rusty was just hurt and upset because of his mom, he told himself as he moved slowly toward the door.

A strong arm barred the way at the last moment. “For real, Matty?” Rusty whispered. “I thought you were smart.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” Matty felt his bottom lip quivering and didn’t want to let Rusty see that.

“I can take a joke, even a lie… but you’re serious, aren’t you?”

He didn’t reply and looked away this time.

“Do you remember when you said I should tell you if you ever went too far?” The words were thrown at him like shotgun bullets. “This is too far, Matty.”

“Okay,” he murmured. “It was the wrong time and… We’ll talk later.”

“Better not,” Rusty said. “For your sake, our little arrangement is off. Fine by you?”

Matty struggled to look up. “Yeah, of course. When have I ever told you ‘no’?”

With wooden hands, he searched in his bag. He handed the key to Rusty and then walked out, without throwing one look back.

***

“What’s going on? Are you leaving so soon?” Maddox asked as soon as he was downstairs.

Matty could hardly breathe and needed to get out of there and fast. This had always been a possibility, right? And he had rushed in, without even thinking, and caused only hurt for both of them.

“Yeah, there’s somewhere I need to be, and it’s important, and I just realized it,” he spoke quickly, his eyes darting sideways.

“Oh, okay. Nice seeing you. Will you come back later? We’ll save some cookies for you.”

Matty shook his head. “I don’t think so. You guys enjoy your dinner. Bye.”

He could tell all of Rusty’s buddies were staring at him with questions in their eyes. But he had no answers, only the raw pain and fury at himself for having messed up such an important thing. He had just blurted everything out without thinking.

And that wasn’t like him. Lesson for the future, always use your head. His heart was no good at making good decisions.

***

Rusty stared at the key in his palm, feeling nauseous. That look in Matty’s eyes was bound to haunt him. Fuck, that was bad. He shouldn’t have acted like that, throwing him out as if he didn’t care at all. But Matty needed to know that it was a mistake to think himself in love with him. He was in love with that sunshine and rainbows guy, not the real him.

He’d see it, in due time. Because Rusty didn’t believe he could play that game anymore. It was exhausting just to think about it. All his life, chasing after something that wasn’t there, imagining himself being someone else, someone fun, who people would like without thinking twice. The illusion had stayed safely out of reach, taunting him with the knowledge that he wasn’t the Rusty Parker everyone knew and thought they liked. The way he saw it, that was the problem. When they liked him, they didn’t like the real him; they just liked the image he had so carefully crafted over time.

That kind of thing never worked in the long run. All it took was a real cut to get through, like what had just happened between him and his mom, and the whole thing came unraveled.

Yeah, Matty would be better off without him. If he’d known the real him, he wouldn’t have imagined himself in love with that guy.

And that fucking hurt, because if Matty had said that to that guy, that would have made him pretty freaking happy.

***

Rusty sauntered downstairs, trying to mimic as carefree an attitude as he could, under the circumstances.

“Finally, we thought you fell asleep again.” Maddox grabbed him and placed him in his chair.

They were all there, ready to dig in. However, as ravenous as Dex and Kane usually were, they didn’t seem keen on starting to shovel food into their mouths. No, everyone was just staring at him.

“Yeah, what?” he asked, a bit roughly.

“Matty left in a hurry. What happened?” Maddox asked him directly.

Rusty shrugged. “I told him the truth. He deserved it.”

“What truth?”

He really didn’t want to have this conversation. He moved and grabbed a cookie from the bowl Jonathan had placed on the side. “You know what? I’m not really hungry. But you go ahead. Excellent stuff, Johnny boy,” he tried to laugh it off as he took a bite out of the chocolate chip masterpiece.

“Rusty,” Maddox said, and the reproach in that single word was visible from Mars.

They’d leave him alone. Not for long, but maybe long enough to make some order out of the mess in his head and come up with some answers that made sense and would maybe lessen the hurt he felt inside right now.

TBC