Boy Story: The Road Taken - 30. Matt's Rant -- What Does That Make Me?

Matt's Rant –– What Does That Make Me?

Women have no idea what it’s like to have a penis. OK, duh. Take it on faith that all guys love their penis. It is the main driving force in an obsession that becomes the focal point of our lives as soon as we hit puberty. If you ever have a son, you’ll know he’s hit puberty when he loses interest in Legos and replaces it with another activity behind closed doors.

No matter what sport, activity, or hobby a male takes an interest in during his school years or anytime thereafter, masturbation is the one constant hobby that lasts over his lifetime. By the time a man is say 40 years old, he has probably logged more hours massaging the bishop than hours spent in all other hobbies combined. Why? He can do it by himself at any time he chooses for as long as he chooses, he doesn’t need any special equipment, it’s free, and it helps relieve stress and boredom. Oh right…and orgasms feel so good.

We guys can’t help it. We’re not trying to be disgusting. We’re not trying to replace significant others with masturbation. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything. It’s just the way we’re wired. The testosterone courses through our bodies, it builds up, and we need to release. Once we’re done, we feel relieved and able to think clearly again. It’s like when you get an itch and you scratch it. You don’t think about it, you just do it.

Guys need to get off. It’s been that way since the dawn of man. Of course, it’s much more enjoyable to experience sexual pleasure with another person. If we have a partner in our sexual exploits, we guys don’t need to fantasize or look at porn. We are experiencing it firsthand. A woman may not realize that the compulsion for sex in a male is a need that surfaces every day or every other day for probably 90% of the men out there. And if you’re a woman who thinks you’ve got a guy in that 10%, you’re probably wrong. For teenage boys, a two- to three-time per day habit is not unusual. And yes, you’re reading it right: per day.

Men are visually motivated. It’s not a choice, we just come out of the box that way. We see something sexy and we get turned on. When we get turned on, we get hard, and then a compulsion arises to get off. In order to get off, we need to have sex…whether it’s solo or with a partner involved. That’s why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry; for folks flying solo, it feeds into that need. A woman who can turn a man on, holds a lot of sway over him. Remember the fable of how John the Baptist met his untimely end?

I know a fairly newlywed couple, Kim and Jim. Kim wanted to get a dog so bad, but Jim was not a dog lover. That’s probably because he was never allowed to have any pets when he was growing up. His mom was allergic to most animals with fur. When they got married and moved into their own place, Kim tried in vain to convince Jim to adopt a puppy. At first they were at an impasse. Two blowjobs and two bangs later, Jim was entertaining the idea of owning a dog. There’s a lot of power in that.

Remember, guys are visually motivated. Men may stray if their pretty wives pack on the pounds or kilos or stones (whatever you use to measure weight). If a woman goes from being a hot number to a fat ass, the guy will lose interest faster than an investment portfolio. If a woman works in maintaining her looks and figure, the man will often follow suit to maintain her interest…it’s a win-win.

For women, being in a relationship with a man comes with the equivalent of a maintenance plan. As I said, the need to get off is a need that surfaces every day or every other day for probably 90% of the healthy men out there. Most women can’t keep up with that level of dedication. A guy may become weary of begging for it every time or perhaps his partner isn’t interested in helping her man out (if this is the case, she shouldn’t be with any man to begin with). Enter the oldest profession in the world. Guys aren’t looking for love elsewhere, they’re simply looking for someone to execute the maintenance plan. Many guys will stay away from prostitutes (because it’s illegal in most places and there's also STDs to worry about), so it's easier and cheaper to simply take matters into their own hands like they always have.

Over the years, a number of punk bands have recorded songs detailing the plight of young men the world over, like “Goo Goo Muck” by the Cramps, “Orgasm Addict” by The Buzzcocks, or “Slave To My Dick” by the Subhumans.

I remember one of my college friends—Chris, from my dorm (who I’ve mentioned before)—having a really honest conversation with me once when we were alone. He seemed kind of down one day, and I asked him what was up. I could tell there was something troubling him, but he was really embarrassed to talk about it. I told him maybe talking about it would help it seem less stressful, and I promised to keep it between us. At first I thought that maybe he realized he was gay and wanted to come out to someone. But that wasn’t the case. Chris was as straight as a guy could be.

“This is so uncomfortable,” he began.

“It’s OK, get it off your chest. No one here is judging you. We'll keep it just between us,” I said looking around the empty room.

He let out a long sigh and then said, “I think there’s something wrong with me!”

I expected to hear, “I think I might be gay.” But instead, he said, “I think I may have like an abnormally high libido. I think I need to see a doctor or something.”

“High libido? Well, what makes you think that?” I asked.

“This is so gross, but I can’t help it. I have a multiple times a day habit of…uh…you know, pleasuring myself.”

“Oh, you mean jacking off?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’ve tried to stop, but it only lasts for a day or two at most. Sometimes I overdo it so much, I end up with scabs on my cock. I don’t know, maybe I should see a psychiatrist.”

“That’s it? You’re worried because you think you wank too much?”

“Well, yeah,” he confirmed.

“Well, my friend, if you think you need to see a doctor because of that, then I need to see a doctor too.”

“What? You too? Like two- or three-times a day?”

“Sometimes. And so does he and so does he and so does he,” I said pointing in all different directions.

“Are you serious?” he blurted out.

“Yup. It’s all part of being a guy. Attending college and living on your own for the first time can be an extremely stressful time for a young man. Now, what's the quickest way to relieve stress and improve your mood? It’s all part of being a guy,” I explained. “I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re normal.”

“Really? I had no idea,” he said relieved.

“Well, how would you? We guys never have heart to heart chats about wanking…and maybe we should since we do it so much,” I joked.

I looked over and he seemed more at ease. “A load off your mind? No pun intended.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel so desperate now.”

“Just remember, the more activities you have to occupy your time productively, the less time you’ll spend… abusing yourself. Get involved with some clubs here on campus or even get a part-time job to help fill up some time.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” he agreed.

“And get yourself some personal lubricant. It’s an extra step, but it will prevent injury and scabs due to overuse.”

In the coming weeks, Chris had volunteered at the campus radio station and was training for air time. He also obtained a part-time job 15 hours a week at a photo shop helping customers order reprints and photo retouching, and he’d develop photos with the big machine they had. (This was before digital photography when everyone had to get film developed.) There was also a photo studio in the back room, but Chris worked mostly nights after the photo studio was closed for the day.

He told me stories about some of the photos he would develop. He said he would generally set up the processor and make sure the first couple of pics came out OK. Then he would let the machine run out the rest. If the first couple of pics had nude body parts, he’d check all of the pics. If there were nude chicks or nude chicks having sex, he would make extra copies for his personal collection.

I also wondered if on those slow nights Chris was messing about in the photo studio taking x-rated pictures of himself and his huge cock. I mean, it had to have at least crossed his mind. He had access to the equipment, the film, and could process it for free in the privacy of his own shop. And there had to be slow nights when he had no customers. Here’s a fairly good-looking guy in the prime of his sexual life and I've heard from sources that he's got a huge member. You can’t tell me taking photos of himself in his birthday suit never crossed his mind. If I was in his shoes, I’d probably try it. It’s every guy’s fantasy to be a porn star, and Chris had the goods…and the equipment at his disposal. But I've digressed...

If a woman is really interested in keeping her man happy, be prepared, there’s some work involved. A blowjob every morning before work and a banging every night at bed time until further notice goes a long way in holding a guy’s interest. If this regimen could be adhered to, the divorce rate would plummet. Guys wouldn’t go looking for it elsewhere, which is what happens all too often. Guys with an active sex life rarely leave their partners and rarely stray.

But just a warning for women: if your man is not getting it at home, he can always get it on the down low. Down low is a term that originated in the Black community, but has now spread to other communities as well. Down low is defined as: Men who identify as heterosexual, but discreetly have sex with other men while in relationships with women...not because they are gay, but because they are horny and need relief.

You have to consider that most gay guys love to suck dick long, hard, and often. Most women do not like to suck dick at all or do it as a “special treat” like a reward for being so understanding or some shit. Let me emphasize: Most gay guys love to suck dick and often. Most straight guys love to have their dicks sucked and often. That’s what every woman is up against.

The question is how straight is straight? Guys getting it on the DL consider themselves straight guys. If a straight guy is getting serviced by a gay guy, does that make them both gay? It depends on who you ask. As mentioned earlier, from the time he hits puberty until his dying day, a guy develops a close personal relationship with his penis. A male has a lifetime to become comfortable with and enjoy ownership of his penis. It’s like every mother who thinks her children are the most beautiful children. Guys tend to think of their dicks similarly. Sure, many guys would like a little more length or thickness, but they get pretty comfortable with penis ownership regardless.

Therefore when a guy is dating a woman, he expects her to be impressed with his manhood when it is presented to her. A woman’s first encounter with a man’s penis may be less than enthusiastic. To a guy it’s like, “This is my best friend and I want him to be your best friend too.” To a woman, it’s like this guy has presented a large earthworm and is encouraging her to put it in her mouth. That’s why if she goes through with it, she’s convinced it’s not going to be a regular thing. That’s the problem. Let’s say it again: straight guys love to have their dicks sucked and often. So many women will actually move along to other acts to avoid sucking dick. Meanwhile you have gay guys around who would love to suck a little straight dick.

Oral sex is like a salad. It is fine on its own (when time constraints or location dictate) or it can be more like an appetizer for the rest of the meal to come. But when gay guys hook up, dick almost always gets sucked by one or both (or more) partners. Glory holes really do exist in men’s restrooms on college campuses, gyms, shopping malls, rest stops, you name it. What makes them work is that there is usually a willing mouth on the other side...and who can resist a free BJ with no strings attached? Time to execute the maintenance plan.

The whole point of this rambling narrative is that my relationship with Parker pitted horny boy with horny boy. It was a perfect storm. Guys need to have sex. Gay guys have a lot of sex. With two guys involved, they understand each other’s needs. You get into bed naked and you have sex. Then you go to sleep. There is no begging, no wheeling and dealing, and no excuses (“I have a headache” or “I’m on my period”). It is quite liberating. And a good round of sex at bedtime induces the best sleep I've ever had.

I went from the straight community to the gay community through my relationship, although I do not align myself with “gay culture.” I am just a guy who likes guys. I’m not interested in drag, drag queens, sissyfication, show tunes, Judy Garland, gay bars, limp wrists, whining, anonymous sex, or men’s fashion and trying to be fabulous. If that’s gay, that’s not me. If I’m into guys, why would I be into guys who act like women? That’s a huge turnoff.

I’m more into going out and catching a good ball game, attending a rock concert, going on a hike, going to the beach, fishing, or playing some tennis.

What do I consider myself? I guess it all depends on how you define “gay.” Parker always liked to poke fun at my situation, by referring to me as his straight boyfriend, which I kind of was in a way. Everything about me was straight, except that I was in love with someone of the same sex. Is there such a thing as a straight guy who likes guys? Taking my past history into account, the closest term I could think of was “bi.” But I didn’t plan to ever go back to dating girls again. So what does that make me? I guess it all depends on who you talk to.

Parker considers himself gay, but also distances himself from “gay culture.” So what makes him “gay” and me not? I finally figured it out. It’s because I had been attracted to a few girls enough to want to have sex with them…and I’ve had sex with a member of the opposite sex more than once and enjoyed it. Parker would lose his boner if a hot, naked girl threw herself at him. He is gay.

I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I’d never met him. I could have dated a girl, got married, had kids, and been perfectly content. I never would have had sex with a boy and known what I was missing. I would have been content spending my life with a woman and building a family. But with Parker, I experienced a level of passion and just pure lust that I never had before. The question now becomes what makes a man content and for how long?

One day I came home from work, he slapped handcuffs on me, led me to the bedroom, and raped me. OK, maybe rape is too strong a word because you can’t rape the willing. But fuck, in what other universe would this happen? When faced with a choice, I’d rather be raped by a hot boy for 90 minutes than plant myself in front of the TV watching reruns for 90 minutes. By the time he was done, I had come twice and then we watched reruns after anyway.

The difference is that Parker wanted me in a way that a woman never had. And when someone truly wants you with every molecule in his (or her) body, it is so much easier to want him (or her) back.

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