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Just a thought

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If I were gone...

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Kitt

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Recent events started me thinking. I have made many good friends online, both here at GA and elsewhere. I would worry if one of them went missing with no warning or explanation.

 

When SkinnyDragon found about his prognosis, he took the time, something he had precious little of, to fill us in.

 

I am one of those super organized people. After having to make the arrangements for both my parents, then my father in law, I decided that was something I didn't want my loved ones to have to deal with. When I got a diagnosis of cancer, one of the things I did was a visit to our families choice of funeral directors. We discussed what I wanted and put it all in a file "just in case".

 

My family is well aware of my membership here, but some would prefer to keep GA a more private part of their life. While speaking with Hugh, (yes we are on a first name basis, we have known each other since highschool) he asked what I thought at the time an odd question, if there were anyone my family might not know about that I would want notified in the event of my death. After discussing it, I gave him the info he needed to get to GA and one of the things he will do when the time comes is post a notice here.

 

Please friends, consider including info on contacting us in your "when I am gone" stuff. If you are in a position where you would prefer your family not know, reach out to someone you trust. It gives me peace of mind knowing I will not just go poof. 

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Ron

Posted (edited)

This idea has been running around in my thoughts for quite a long time, at least since my first year of writing for, and otherwise participating in GA. Unfortunately, in practice, the idea has been on my 'to do' list just as long. I've mentioned to my sister, who is also a GA member (supportive, though mostly inactive), about letting people here know if I suddenly dropped dead, but that was in passing conversation. I may have to make an effort to stress the point.

Edited by Ron
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Just now, Puppilull said:

That is actually one of the things I fear most. Not that I'll disappear, but that someone of my friends in here will simply be gone one day and I won't know why. Hmm... I should perhaps do something about this myself. 

 

Yes, indeed. One of my thoughts following the news about Skinny was "would I ever know what had happened" if, like you say, suddenly somebody's there one day and not the next, and never resurfaces. :(  

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I used to participate on a Gay porn website’s Forum. We actually experienced that several times, one guy died and it took several months before someone decided to look up obituaries in the guy’s town. Another guy is paraplegic and prone to medical problems, so each time he’s hospitalized, he disappears. A third buy had a heart attack and was incommunicado for several months as he recovered at his sister’s place – since he lives in Los Angeles and has a fairly common name, no one was able to find anything before he returned to inform us of his whereabouts.

 

Due to all that, I arranged with my ex to give him access to one of my email addresses/address books on gmail. He has instructions to send out an email when I die. My brothers are ‘disinterested’ in my personal life and I expect that they will disregard my wishes and have a religious memorial service for me, complete with hymns, prayers, and solemn, dark clothes.

 

My friends will likely have a memorial for me more in tune with my preferences. I want everybody to wear bright-colored clothes. I want there to be happy, secular songs and no hints of religion. My younger brother might force himself to attend both memorials, but it’s unlikely any other family member will join him.

 

There is one GA member who I have had email conversations with. I’ve given my email address to two others, but they’ve never used it (Timmy!).  ;-)

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This was something which up until a few weeks ago I had never even considered because I was indestructible and way too young to worry about anything like that. I will admit that when I was ill, I didn't give a lot of thought to my friends at GA, but if it were to happen again (I hope, of course, that I never have to go through that again), then I probably would. I have had a lot of really cool messages of support from members of this site, most of whom I don't know and have had little or no contact with before. It's a good idea to have some kind of plan in place just in case, and I've made arrangements. So if I should I pop my clogs any time soon, you'll all know about it. Oh, and in case anyone's wondering the story--although unedited--will continue to be posted until the end.      

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If I don't show up .. then it's like something is very wrong.  If i dont show up for a long time .. i'm likely dead.  And if that's the case.. remember i love you all ... 

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I have read all the comments and their situations. I have struggled myself to know something about SkinnyD, after the blog entry, but I failed everytime. He just shut us all off. But I can understand his situation and feelings. And as well as, we deserve something. At least about his passing. For being his friends. And for caring about him. Like that our friends deserve to know when we disappear too. 

 

Up until now, I don't have anyone to share about GA and my family didn't know anything about me. Even if they know, I don't expect them to be with me and consider my request to post something here, about my disappearance,  behalf of me. I hope I'll find someone in my life to do that for me. I know I am still young, but we never know what will happen. 

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Hugs, Emi ... I think Skinny just had so much to deal with.. our pain would have been too much to bear. Easier just to cut the ties to this place and to all of us .. he knew how we felt ... i'm sure you know that already. I've been thinking about having a letter prepared.. so it will be mailed in 'the event of my death' . have to find someone i trust enough not to read it first though. 

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My ex’s instructions are just to send out an email (using my gmail address book) explaining my death and possibly the circumstances. He might mention a memorial. He isn’t expected to post info here.

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8 minutes ago, droughtquake said:

My ex’s instructions are just to send out an email (using my gmail address book) explaining my death and possibly the circumstances. He might mention a memorial. He isn’t expected to post info here.

But if even one of us are in your Gmail address book we would eventually get the message.

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2 hours ago, Kitt said:

But if even one of us are in your Gmail address book we would eventually get the message.

That’s the goal.

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5 hours ago, Emi GS said:

Up until now, I don't have anyone to share about GA and my family didn't know anything about me. Even if they know, I don't expect them to be with me and consider my request to post something here, about my disappearance,  behalf of me. I hope I'll find someone in my life to do that for me. I know I am still young, but we never know what will happen. 

 

Emi, you're younger than I am, you've got plenty of time to find someone special in your life, and for better reasons than just to let us know if you bite the dust.

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I've actually thought about this over the years. It all started a few years ago when one of the members here posted something about not being around as her young daughter grows up. She had received very bad news from her doctor. So I hadn't seen anything from her -- posting, reviews, etc., for quite a while, and I wasn't sure what to think. When her birthday came up on the main forum page (on the old site), I wished her a happy birthday and just kept my fingers crossed. You don't know how much I cried when she responded! I wrote back but didn't hear anything else. And I haven't seen anything from her since. :(

 

So yeah, I think having something in place 'just in case' is a wonderful idea. I would hate the idea of any of you just disappearing and never knowing why.

 

Thank you, Kitt, for bringing this sad but important subject up. =)

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On the site I mentioned earlier, there were fewer of us who posted multiple times in a single evening in usually about half a dozen topics. We got to know each other very well. Eventually several of us exchanged real names. And I met three of the guys IRL when they visited the Bay Area (separately) over the years. One of the three had also met the other two guys I’d met as well as several others (he lives outside London and visited Australia as well as California).

 

Even though I know several writers live in the Bay Area, I have no plans to meet them IRL – even though my therapist made that suggestion (so you’re safe AC).  ;-)

Edited by droughtquake
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I think the key for anyone who isn’t Out as either LGBTQ or, as with at least one person, as a writer on GA, is just to ask someone to contact a list of addresses.They don’t need to know who the people are or how you met them. Generally, explaining away most addresses as former classmates or coworkers is sufficient.

 

Gmail will alert a person you choose if you do not use your gmail address after a specified period of time and will give them access to that account. (Other providers might offer similar services.) Gmail will allow you to open multiple free accounts. I use one account mainly to email authors on non-GA sites to comment on their stories.

 

Just make sure the address book associated with that account has the people you want contacted. You might want to minimize the info for those addresses to prevent hints about what you’re trying to hide. Avoid mailing addresses for international friends if you don’t have a way to explain them, for example. Even if you don’t expect anyone to get access to the info prematurely, you never know…

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i'm not an author here on GA, but the people i've "met" here i've enjoyed "talking with" in some forums. i love all the stories i read (and re-read) and i wonder when people stop updating, but worse is when the stories/authors are just gone. wiped off the site. i have no idea if they were hit by a bus, the update bug got them or they left. it makes me sad.its happened 3 times in the last couple of months. the people here had made my life better in knowing you all. every night i thank the Master of the universe and i say a prayer to keep you safe through the day.

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