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Stories that change you.

Jeff Burton

Entry posted by Jeff Burton in General Ramblings

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Have you ever read anything that just totally tore you apart?

I mean something that just took apart your psyche down to the foundation, then rebuilt it from the ground up leaving you naked and confused at how you view yourself, how you view the world, because it touched those old wounds years have buried and shook up the core of your being?

I recently came back to GayAuthors because back in the day, me and another author who by the way is now listed as a 'Classic Author' by the name shadowgod, used to hang out on IRC and talk about life, read each others writing and so forth.  I went and reread everything he had written still seeing all those edits on certain paragraphs  that I did because he said I had a flair for making things sound right when he couldn't.  I've always been critical of my own writing, and Steve always tried to rattle my head because he saw more worth in my writing then I ever could.

Life then, as it always does got in the way and we lost contact and I never wrote again from that point forth.  I was too busy wrapped up in family affairs, too busy trying to unravel some of the trauma I suffered in my 20's and I just didn't write.

I'm a data pack rat.  I've got everything I ever tried to write on backups and I came across these backups in a moment of loneliness and despair because I had lost a piece of my self in the late 2000's that I needed to get back.  And I realize that the person I was living as for the last 10 years wasn't actually me.  It was just a version of me that was always cautious,  didn't take chances and more importantly just didn't live.

I recently lost a 3 year relationship with someone I really did love because I wasn't me.  I couldn't communicate I couldn't aspire to be something better, I just didn't have any real joy.  And when he left I wasn't surprised and was partially relieved, and thinking back on that I am ashamed from what I turned into.

The last month I've been reading old stories I hadn't touched in years. I found the stories that gave me strength as a teenager in the late 90's, I found stories that gave me courage in the 2000's during my 20's and my darkness days.

Now to the point of the question at the beginning of this post.

There was one story I had been following for a really long time until life got in the way and I totally forgot it existed until I was going through my written works that I had wrote and sent something to DeweyWriter who at the time was writing "The Power Within" which is part of the "For the Love of Pete" series, what I wrote was titled, "The Power Within - When Angels Weep."  When I found this thing I had written I had no idea what it was from, what it was about, and why I had written it.  I had to totally go into investigative mode until I found it several hours later.

DeweyWriters website went down somewhere in 2016, thank god the wayback machine exists otherwise most of it would have been totally lost.  The nifty archives has most of the completed work but was still missing some chapters.

But I went back and reread all of it, as best I could, even with missing content the wayback machine didn't save.

This is the story that functionally ripped passed all my walls, all my shields. I think part of the reason why was because it was set in the late 90's all the characters are my age, or where my age.

I cannot tell you what the last week has been for me.  I simply don't understand it myself.  One thing I did do was make me realize I have wasted a lot of time, practically my youth on stuff simply did not matter and for that I am most shamed for. 

I feel reconnected with that 16 year old me who was coming to terms with being gay and what it actually meant the year my dad died, and all the mistakes I made those few years after. 

I feel reconnected with the 18 year old me who was so lost and tried to end it all.

I feel reconnected with the 25 year old me who wished he was dead, to end the feeling of being trapped because he couldn't shake his abuser, and the abusive relationship that stole everything that made him, who he was and reducing him to an empty complaint shell of what he used to be.

One story blew me apart so I could hopefully rebuild and regain what was lost.

I am trying to write again, to feel again and to love again.  Writing was my outlet to express the things I could not say or talk about.  And I warn you now my stuff may be a little darker then what most enjoy. 

I've got a lot of demons that stalk me in the shadows that need to be dealt with and all of it will be posted here, in the hope that something I write has the same effect on someone that 'For the Love of Pete' had on me, and maybe I can reach at least one person before it's too late to help.

One thing I am glad to see is this community and this website.  Just being able to be here and share some of this stuff does help make me feel better.

Don't be afraid to write, don't be afraid to feel, and more importantly don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it the most.  That's the best advise I can give, and wish it hadn't taken me this long to realize it.

 

-- Jeff

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Mikiesboy

Mikiesboy 143,937

Posted

It's hard to see ourselves and it can take a very long time to approach that mirror. Don't waste too much time looking backwards. Take what's worth taking and then run the other way.

Just be happy that you are here now.

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Jeff Burton

Jeff Burton 3,983

Posted

3 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

It's hard to see ourselves and it can take a very long time to approach that mirror. Don't waste too much time looking backwards. Take what's worth taking and then run the other way.

Just be happy that you are here now.

It took me a long time to realize this.  These days I'm looking at the past to remember the best parts of me to bring forward.

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Mikiesboy

Mikiesboy 143,937

Posted

i can understand that .. my past is mostly in a box in my head, but it never completely stays there.. likely it never will.  We just have to learn to stuff it back in and keep going forward.

Thanks for posting what you did .. it came at a time when I've not written for over a year ... but i think i can again.

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Jeff Burton

Jeff Burton 3,983

Posted

Thank you for reading my post and commenting.

I've seen your profile, and read some of your work, what you have done is something I aspire to do.

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Mikiesboy

Mikiesboy 143,937

Posted

i'm glad, and i'll look forward to reading something from you.  All the best.

tim

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lawfulneutralmage

lawfulneutralmage 6,607

Posted (edited)

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Wow, that is hard stuff. Life is full of experiences and I am grateful that I have been allowed a lot of experiences, most of them positive.

While I did not have an abusive relationship, my first real one was very unhealthy, and it is true - love makes blind.

I am a software developer, and I think very much in rules. I have problems when the situations do not match my expectations. A friend has suggested that I might be ever so slightly on the autistic spectrum. So, analyzing past decisions (apart from teenage times, I just shudder), gives me usually the same answer: with the information and experience available at the given time, I would most likely make the same decision again.

Of course, I have done things whose memories are haunting, I am sure everyone has that. I found talking about those every helpful, so, I can understand that writing it down and sharing it i.e. owning is liberating.

I can only agree with  @Mikiesboy that the constant questioning of the past is not helpful. It cannot be changed. We can only decide on what is ahead of us.

But now to answer the actual question: no. I have read stories that gave me an insight into how other people might "tick", but that is it.

All the best!

Edited by lawfulneutralmage
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kbois

kbois 120,422

Posted

Welcome back. 

Yes, life does have a way of slinging crap at us for the sole purpose of tearing us down. 

Climbing back up is what makes us who we are. Sometimes it's a viscious cycle. But it's important to keep climbing. 

Writing can be such a cathartic balm. Battling demons with a pen (or rather keyboard nowadays) helps keep them at bay.  It's good that you're writing again, especially if it touches someone who really needs it. 

 

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Headstall

Headstall 306,677

Posted

Thanks for sharing, Jeff, and welcome back to GA, and welcome back to the person you once were, or the person you want to be. I know all about difficult... truly difficult... journeys, and what an abusive relationship can steal from you. I know about feeling exposed and raw and vulnerable, all while pretending to yourself and others you are all right. I know all about being numb, and not knowing who you are... about losing yourself and floundering alone.

What I'm trying to say is your story is relatable, probably to more people than you might think. That first step is honesty with yourself, and facing up to the whole damn thing. When thoughts enter of wanting to end it all, they are terrifying, and I hope you are never in that place again. In many ways, I see now that writing saved me, awakening a side of me I had lost. Creating something good, whether is a story, a song, a painting, a piece of furniture, or maybe a blanket, is a great way to balance out the turmoil and the regrets. Creating is always positive, and it sounds like you have come a long way. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. Cheers... Gary.... 

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Jeff Burton

Jeff Burton 3,983

Posted

14 minutes ago, Headstall said:

Thanks for sharing, Jeff, and welcome back to GA, and welcome back to the person you once were, or the person you want to be. I know all about difficult... truly difficult... journeys, and what an abusive relationship can steal from you. I know about feeling exposed and raw and vulnerable, all while pretending to yourself and others you are all right. I know all about being numb, and not knowing who you are... about losing yourself and floundering alone.

What I'm trying to say is your story is relatable, probably to more people than you might think. That first step is honesty with yourself, and facing up to the whole damn thing. When thoughts enter of wanting to end it all, they are terrifying, and I hope you are never in that place again. In many ways, I see now that writing saved me, awakening a side of me I had lost. Creating something good, whether is a story, a song, a painting, a piece of furniture, or maybe a blanket, is a great way to balance out the turmoil and the regrets. Creating is always positive, and it sounds like you have come a long way. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. Cheers... Gary.... 

I really appreciate the reply Gary, it means a lot. And you pretty much hit the nail on the head, creating is positive and it's a great way to find that balance.  It's also a great way to vent fustrations lol  But I think so far you've given me the insight I was hoping to find and that means a alot.

-- Jeff

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Gary L

Gary L 13,850

Posted

On 4/16/2023 at 7:10 PM, Headstall said:

Thanks for sharing, Jeff, and welcome back to GA, and welcome back to the person you once were, or the person you want to be. I know all about difficult... truly difficult... journeys, and what an abusive relationship can steal from you. I know about feeling exposed and raw and vulnerable, all while pretending to yourself and others you are all right. I know all about being numb, and not knowing who you are... about losing yourself and floundering alone.

What I'm trying to say is your story is relatable, probably to more people than you might think. That first step is honesty with yourself, and facing up to the whole damn thing. When thoughts enter of wanting to end it all, they are terrifying, and I hope you are never in that place again. In many ways, I see now that writing saved me, awakening a side of me I had lost. Creating something good, whether is a story, a song, a painting, a piece of furniture, or maybe a blanket, is a great way to balance out the turmoil and the regrets. Creating is always positive, and it sounds like you have come a long way. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. Cheers... Gary.... 

A deeply moving and beautifully-written expression of so much of my reaction on reading Jeff’s entry.  We are not alone.  That is the truth that saved many of us in the past, keeps us safe in the present and gives us hope for whatever the future might throw at us.  

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Hero

Hero 420

Posted

Today you are not the person you were all those years ago. There is a connection, sure, but we change. Who you were, who you are, that's just your history, neither good nor bad. You made choices, we all do. Influenced by family, friends, and brief encounters, or longer ones. Life, you gotta love it, there's nothing else!

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Comicality

Comicality 34,940

Posted

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It takes time. It really does. You've got to dig, and peel back a bunch of layers...but in time, you'll get to be who you want to be. Who you need to be. But it's a process, you know? Just know that we're with you. K?

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Jeff Burton

Jeff Burton 3,983

Posted

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1 minute ago, Comicality said:

It takes time. It really does. You've got to dig, and peel back a bunch of layers...but in time, you'll get to be who you want to be. Who you need to be. But it's a process, you know? Just know that we're with you. K?

I appreciate that, and it helps to know it.

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John Henry

John Henry 9,400

Posted

Catharsis comes in many shapes and forms.  You've been through a trial by fire for sure, and I'm glad that you're finding your way out of the darkness.  Not all of us have the strength to do that.

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