Category 5 by C James

[Ieshwar]

A really nice story. You seem to be really aware of the surfing stuff. The Hawaiian background was very present too. I lost myself a little amongst a few words but it's okay! It was nice reading about something I didn't know.

 

I ommitted leashes, sex wax, bullfrog, and a plethora of terms and context regarding the waves. I also "interpreted" rather than quoted the surf report; a real one would be a little harder to understand.

 

THANKS! Or else, it would have been very difficult for me. I managed to understand the Green room (Great description btw ) and some technical stuff flew by me. I know only one stuff about surf - surfers! But don't worry, I was able to read the story quite comfortably and really enjoyed it.

 

I would have loved to know more about Drake. As readers, we didn't learn much about him. But I understand that the accent was rather on the enigmatic Cody.

 

Great Story and Happy First Anniversary of On-Line writing!

 

Expecting more stories from you!

Ieshwar

[C James]

Sex wax??? And you left it out??? Now I'm pissed!

 

I'm not sure you're being fair to yourself in posing the question "did I put in too many surfer terms". Given the process you described for using surfer terms, I cannot fault you at all. If you had cut it back more than you did, you'd be faced with the opposing question - did I use enough. So I think you might be just chasing your tail on this one....and we goats have rather short tails. It's a very dizzying experience....even for people watching.

 

As for Drake's character development, yes, I believe more would have been better. Crush or not, this dude risked his life to save another human being. There aren't many of us in that category...well except for sexy firemen and RCMP officers.

 

So, tell me about sex wax?

Conner

Hi Conner!

Thanks! And you're right, I do sometimes chase my tail, but I beleive in playing to my strenths, and I'm good at chasing my tail.

As for the sex wax; thats explained in my summer, 200g anthology entry, "No Shirt? No Problem!"

Zog's Sex Wax Surfer's Essentials

Be warned sex wax is used to ensure you can grip the board

And I might mention that another term for your board is your stick.

Check out his first anthology story: No Shirt? No Problem! which does include sex wax.

 

On the subject of jargon, I think CJ picked a good balance. You want to have enough to set the flavour and make the story/characters realistic, but not so much that the readers get lost. Most of the terms can be understood in context, even if all the nuances aren't appreciated. I've read stories than include quotes in foreign languages, but even though I didn't understand that language, it was clear from the context what was being said. This is the equivalent situation. What terms I may not have known, I grasped through the context.

 

A short story can be a challenge when it comes to character development. If you go too far, you can detract from the story itself. I always like to know more about characters, but I certainly don't think that Drake's character has been short-changed.

Thanks Graeme!!

 

I'm thinking now that I might have been able to open the story with Drake at school for a few paragraphs, and use them to develop him more. I don't think I could do it anywhere else; it would have altered the pace of the plot.

 

A real winner!!

 

As for your questions.....I think you used the perfect amount of lingo. Something like 'green room' was good to explain, and the way you did it added lot to the story....great description! Other terms like 'bottom turn' were fairly logical, at least in my opinion....besides describing that might have slown the flow down a bit.

 

As for character development more might have been nice but you are a bit restricted in a short story, and you had a good pace going. For me I think I identified enough with the character (probably mostly in my head) and thus everything he did made sense to me, at least from my perspective. Maybe by not developing his character more it allows the reader to use their imagination and bend his personality more to their own view point. I would have liked more but I don't expect that from a short like this.

 

I really enjoyed this one.....THANKS!!!!!

Greg

 

Hi Greg!! Thanks for reading!!! What I had in mind was for Drake's actions to define him, but I think a paragraph or two at the beginning might have helped.

 

I haven't read the other comments, but I really liked the story. The images were vivid, the emotions real.

 

Although I do feel I have to say, it's spelled "haole".

 

Awesome story.

 

Oops. Well, I could always, at this point, claim that I went with a phonetic spelling for clarity. I think that's a good reason, and a convincing thing to say. I'd also be lying my ass off. LoL.

 

Here's what happened; I wasn't sure how to spell "Haole", so I spelled it "howlie" and checked by googlig. Sure enough I got a few hit and they wer in context, so I figured I was ok. Nope, it just means I'm not the only one who can't spell it.

 

Thanks for reading, Matthew! I really tried hard on the imagery, glad you liked it.

 

I first had the opportunity to read a version of this some time ago. The hurricane in that version wasn't named Steve either, (Sorry Rabble Rouser, I don't know why they must be so insensitive). I also got to read a few other polished drafts as well.

 

The technical Jargon, for me, fit perfectly, but I do have a minimal working knowledge of surfing even though I mostly an inland guy myself. Going on that I didn't find it to oppressive, or lacking in enough "atmosphere" to tackle the story. Characterization, again as had been stated I would have liked to see Drake's character a little more, but I understand that size limits and choreography of Character interactions made that a hard hurdle to tackle.

 

Cody, I find Cody fascinating, even sort of enigmatic. I'll be the first to admit his entrance into the story staring stoically into the churning pacific did not give me a good feeling. His entrance into the story was almost ethereal in its prose. I honestly thought there would be no saving Cody from the first time I met him in the narration. I had a feeling he was one of those famous Hawaiian Phantom's that are said to stalk about the Islands.

 

As the story moved on my initial fears of the enigmatic surfer turned into something closer to restrained terror as it appeared Cody was more then a Phantom or possible siren luring Drake into a suicidal attempt of rescue.

See how my imagination gets away from me??

 

CJ's trademark action pace was there and drove the story as if a storm pushing inland, driving both the protagonists of the story and the reader into an endearing outcome.

 

I love it CJ, and I'll say it again I think it is the best thing you have written yet! A mighty fitting story for your anniversary of On line writing!

 

And the twist... , even though I kinda guessed it from the beginning, which only nurtured the initial feelings I had about Cody.

 

Awesome dude, just Awesome!

Steve

 

Thanks Steve!!

 

Cody's slightly spooky impression at first was intentional. I dropped a few hints to his suicidal intent but worded them so they could be read that way too. His stoic stance was intended to be enigmatic, but also true to form; he was looking death in the eye. I did indeed hint that the rescue wouldn't succeed when Drake arrived, "almost in time", and they found themselves trapped by the waves. Then came Apu-hau's advice, which Drake had thought meant to stay put in the house; "Ride it out".

 

Thanks Steve!!

 

I had exactly the same fear and just wondered how CJ would get around killing his characters in the 1st person.

 

As for the character development issue, CJ seems to want to tell more about his characters through what they do. It works for me.

 

I do indeed try and develop my character based on what they do; it's really the only way I know how. I've always, in real life, gotten a far better "read" on a person by what they do rather than what they say, so to me it's more natural to show the character via actions. However, a an extra quirk or mannerism might have helped. I couldn't get into his background, as that needed to be veiled until later in the story and brief at that point due to plot pacing.

 

Thanks Bondwriter!!!

Hey CJ

Its the best story I ever red on GA .

As Shadowgod says :

 

BTW, tell us more about "Apu-hau". Anything to read about her ?

Wow... Thanks Bob, that rendered me speechless (a very difficult task indeed.)

 

All I know of apu-hau is that Apu-hau is the Hawaiian god of Storms and hurricanes, and one of the eleven cloud-children of Tawhiri.

I couldn;t fina any actual legends online, so I took a few enormous liberties. The biggest is that Apu-hau is usually refered to as male, but in my story, female. I figured that gender was rather meingingless to a god, when they can appear in any form whatsoever.

A really nice story. You seem to be really aware of the surfing stuff. The Hawaiian background was very present too. I lost myself a little amongst a few words but it's okay! It was nice reading about something I didn't know.

THANKS! Or else, it would have been very difficult for me. I managed to understand the Green room (Great description btw ) and some technical stuff flew by me. I know only one stuff about surf - surfers! But don't worry, I was able to read the story quite comfortably and really enjoyed it.

 

I would have loved to know more about Drake. As readers, we didn't learn much about him. But I understand that the accent was rather on the enigmatic Cody.

 

Great Story and Happy First Anniversary of On-Line writing!

Expecting more stories from you!

Ieshwar

Thanks Ieshwar!!!

 

Yep, Cody was more the focus. The surfing background and Hawaii was easy for me; I used to surf, and I've been to Hawaii quite a few times. (including on surf safari).

 

Thanks especially about the green room. It's darn hard to put it into words; it's an incredible feeling to be in one.

Thanks!!

CJ

[SonoLuminus]

Just wanted to say, I thought of this story again today when I saw a guy at the gym wearing a Sex Wax shirt.

[Camy]

Brilliant mate, brilliant!

 

Camy

[C James]

Just wanted to say, I thought of this story again today when I saw a guy at the gym wearing a Sex Wax shirt.

 

Thanks Sonoluminus!

I've seen those before; they always make me smile; especially the double-takes I see them get.

 

Brilliant mate, brilliant!

Camy

Thanks Camy!!

 

I was a fun one to write. I was wondering what would work for a rainy day story, and it occurred to me that a hurricane would suffice. moments late, I had the plot to Cat5. It was a fun one to write in another way, it bought back a lot of memories of surfing. Dang it, the next time I'm near a decent beach, I'm hitting the waves again. My one remaining board has been gathering dust for nearly five years, so it's high time I went out again. I'm probably so rusty that I'll get nothing but face plants and sand facials, but I gotta try. LoL

[Marty]

Absolutely brilliant, CJ!

 

I'm not a surfer; never have been and, sadly, never will be at my time of life. The closest I have ever come to anything remotely similar has been riding small waves in a kayak off the northwest coast of England (over 35 years ago now)

 

But I was completely drawn in. Your descriptions were so vivid, that I could almost imagine that I was actually on the board with Drake.

 

You are one with the sea, part of it, the deep roar and the sensation of speed combining, reminding you that all visits to the Green Room are, by their very nature, brief.

Just one of the many descriptions that caught my imagination as I was reading.

 

Its the best story I ever read on GA

I have to agree. It's probably the best short story I've read on here, anyway.

 

Marty

[C James]

Absolutely brilliant, CJ!

 

I'm not a surfer; never have been and, sadly, never will be at my time of life. The closest I have ever come to anything remotely similar has been riding small waves in a kayak off the northwest coast of England (over 35 years ago now)

 

But I was completely drawn in. Your descriptions were so vivid, that I could almost imagine that I was actually on the board with Drake.

 

You are one with the sea, part of it, the deep roar and the sensation of speed combining, reminding you that all visits to the Green Room are, by their very nature, brief.

Just one of the many descriptions that caught my imagination as I was reading.

I have to agree. It's probably the best short story I've read on here, anyway.

 

Marty

 

Thanks Marty!!

 

Using descriptions is something I've been trying to work on, and Shadowgod has been trying to teach me... I'm glad you liked it, and thanks very much for reading and commenting!

 

It was a fun story to write; it just sort of popped into my head, fully formed (thus proving the old adage that nature abhors a vacuum).

CJ

[old bob]

It was a fun story to write; it just sort of popped into my head, fully formed (thus proving the old adage that nature abhors a vacuum).

Don't be silly .We know that you have no brain in your head and you cann't be the real writer of your stories :wacko: .

I want to know !!!

Who is behind you ?

Who is the real writer ?

From where come your stories ?

[Graeme]

Surely you know by now -- shadowgod is to blame for everything! CJ even admitted as much above:

 

Using descriptions is something I've been trying to work on, and Shadowgod has been trying to teach me...

 

This is how shadowgod gets around the restriction on only having one entry per anthology -- he uses CJ to submit another story for him

[Bondwriter]

So Shadowgod is the one who's interested in shirtless blond surfer boys? I should have known!

[BeaStKid]

So Shadowgod is the one who's interested in shirtless blond surfer boys? I should have known!

That clear things a lot...hmmm...I mentioned in my praise that goats know how to write stories....I better rethink it....roflmao!!

[C James]

Don't be silly .We know that you have no brain in your head and you cann't be the real writer of your stories :wacko: .

I want to know !!!

Who is behind you ?

Who is the real writer ?

From where come your stories ?

 

Hrmmmm, well, you know the old saying, something to do with letting a monkey flail away at a keyboard and, given infinite time, eventually he'll write King Lear? Well, put a goat in front of a keyboard for long enough and...

 

Surely you know by now -- shadowgod is to blame for everything! CJ even admitted as much above:

This is how shadowgod gets around the restriction on only having one entry per anthology -- he uses CJ to submit another story for him

 

Grumble grumble grumble...

 

I'm sorry, but Shadowgod is only to blame for bad things, and as you have already said you liked the story, you can't now say it's bad.

 

So Shadowgod is the one who's interested in shirtless blond surfer boys? I should have known!

 

Hrmmmm... I shall have to remember this "blame shadowgod" angle for the next time I write a story that flops...

 

That clear things a lot...hmmm...I mentioned in my praise that goats know how to write stories....I better rethink it....roflmao!!

 

Awwww... It's not easy being a goat who writes... usually, when critics decide to decide to roast an author, they mean it figuratively; with me, they start firing up the grill!

[shadowgod]

Hrmmmm, well, you know the old saying, something to do with letting a monkey flail away at a keyboard and, given infinite time, eventually he'll write King Lear? Well, put a goat in front of a keyboard for long enough and...

Grumble grumble grumble...

 

I'm sorry, but Shadowgod is only to blame for bad things, and as you have already said you liked the story, you can't now say it's bad.

Hrmmmm... I shall have to remember this "blame shadowgod" angle for the next time I write a story that flops...

Awwww... It's not easy being a goat who writes... usually, when critics decide to decide to roast an author, they mean it figuratively; with me, they start firing up the grill!

 

Grill??? Honestly.... grills are for suburban Dads with aprons that either read kiss the cook or have the visage of an abnomally large breasted woman from the neck down. Round these parts we use a spit

[wildone]

Grill??? Honestly.... grills are for suburban Dads with aprons that either read kiss the cook or have the visage of an abnomally large breasted woman from the neck down. Round these parts we use a spit

 

 

Or, in keeping with the Hawaii theme, may I suggest a Luau. Serving goat instead of pig

 

Maybe we can tie in a pool party with it too!!

[BeaStKid]

or a tandoor...lol

 

A tandoor is a cylindrical clay oven used in Punjab region, northern India and Pakistan in which food is cooked over a hot charcoal fire. Temperatures in a tandoor can approach 480

[C James]

Grill??? Honestly.... grills are for suburban Dads with aprons that either read kiss the cook or have the visage of an abnomally large breasted woman from the neck down. Round these parts we use a spit

ACK!!! Now, now, you wouldn't want to do that to poor, innocent me, now would ya, old pal, old, buddy? (or is that just plain old old, given that today is your birthday? )

Or, in keeping with the Hawaii theme, may I suggest a Luau. Serving goat instead of pig

 

Maybe we can tie in a pool party with it too!!

 

A luau sounds good, provided I'm not on the menu! I'm allergic to hot rocks, ya know...

 

or a tandoor...lol

 

ACK! Talk about turning up the heat! :fire:

[BeaStKid]

ACK! Talk about turning up the heat! :fire:

Food cooked in the tandoor tastes awesome...but then, you Western people wouldn't enjoy it too much...for it's too spicy. But us Punjabis devour spicy food...lol

 

The BeaStKid

[Bondwriter]

Food cooked in the tandoor tastes awesome...but then, you Western people wouldn't enjoy it too much...for it's too spicy. But us Punjabis devour spicy food...lol

 

The BeaStKid

In the American South West, they love hot peppers. So do I. And we have evolved in the West, we tend to like spicier foods. Now what spices would you use for goat/ lamb? There's a cookbook dedicated to this in Dom Luka's forum. (Yes, I know we're getting off topic!)

[yaalc]

CJ! This was truly a masterful short story. I think you did almost everything just right.

 

I appreciated not knowing a lot about the characters. With no background info, it feels like you are meeting the characters as they would have met in the story itself. It also let me decide or envision what they looked like in a way that was perfect for me.

 

I loved how you let us in on Cody. Your description didn't say a lot but I still got the feeling that something was wrong.

 

The description of Drakes jump into the ocean was bril! I could see myself there. Stomach in knots. Knowing I was doing something stupid but not able to not do it as well.

 

The surfer jargon was fine. It was enough to show you knew what you were talking about but not enough to be overwhelming.

 

Great job!

[C James]

Food cooked in the tandoor tastes awesome...but then, you Western people wouldn't enjoy it too much...for it's too spicy. But us Punjabis devour spicy food...lol

 

The BeaStKid

 

Lol! I love Tandori! I also love Indian food; I spend a lot of time in the UK, and the Indian food there is superb. Hrmmm, I'm craving a good curry, some Naan bread, and a side of Samosas right about now...

 

In the American South West, they love hot peppers. So do I. And we have evolved in the West, we tend to like spicier foods. Now what spices would you use for goat/ lamb? There's a cookbook dedicated to this in Dom Luka's forum. (Yes, I know we're getting off topic!)

 

Indeed; I couldn't exist without New Mexico chili powder, or Arbol salsa.

 

And why oh why have recipies for goat become so popular around here?

 

 

CJ! This was truly a masterful short story. I think you did almost everything just right.

 

I appreciated not knowing a lot about the characters. With no background info, it feels like you are meeting the characters as they would have met in the story itself. It also let me decide or envision what they looked like in a way that was perfect for me.

 

I loved how you let us in on Cody. Your description didn't say a lot but I still got the feeling that something was wrong.

 

The description of Drakes jump into the ocean was bril! I could see myself there. Stomach in knots. Knowing I was doing something stupid but not able to not do it as well.

 

The surfer jargon was fine. It was enough to show you knew what you were talking about but not enough to be overwhelming.

 

Great job!

 

Thanks!!!

 

You're right, I did write Cody as he'd appear through Drake's eyes. I kept the descriptions of Cody to a minimum, wording it so that the reader would pick up that something was amiss, but not quite what.

 

The jump into the ocean was based on seeing surfers do just that off a rocky point; timing the waves so the backreflection pulls them clear once they jump in from a height. It wasn't that much of a height and no hurricane, though, but I think it's at lease marginally possible, at least that was my hope.

[jfalkon]

Great story! As always I love your characters. The way you introduced Cody was briliant. The amount of surfing terms was perfect. It was just enough to make the characters believable but not enough to confuse non-surfers.

[BeaStKid]

Now what spices would you use for goat/ lamb?

 

There is a special Masala called the Garam Masala used for making mutton delicious here in India---

 

Garam masala is a blend of ground spices common in the Indian cuisine, whose literal meaning is 'hot (or warm) spice'. There are many variants: most traditional mixes use just cinnamon, roasted cumin, cloves, nutmeg (and/or mace) and green cardamom seed or black cardamom pods. Many commercial mixtures may include more of other less expensive spices and may contain dried red chili peppers, dried garlic, ginger powder, sesame, mustard seeds, turmeric, coriander, bay leaves, cumin, and fennel. While commercial garam masala preparations can be bought ready ground, it does not keep well, and soon loses its aroma. Whole spices, which keep fresh much longer, can be ground when needed using a mortar and pestle or electric coffee grinder.

 

We also use turmeric powder for colour and garlic, ginger, cumin, cayenne pepper, coriander & tamarind chutney for flavours....

 

The BeaStKid

[C James]

There is a special Masala called the Garam Masala used for making mutton delicious here in India---

We also use turmeric powder for colour and garlic, ginger, cumin, cayenne pepper, coriander & tamarind chutney for flavours....

 

The BeaStKid

Garam Masala has lots of uses, I'm fond of it in a lot of things. It makes one heck of a good BBQ marinade when combined with italian dressing.

 

One thing I can't get over here; Ghee butter.

 

Great story! As always I love your characters. The way you introduced Cody was briliant. The amount of surfing terms was perfect. It was just enough to make the characters believable but not enough to confuse non-surfers.

 

Thanks!

 

I had to keep Cody a little mysterious; I wanted the reader to pick up that something was wrong there, but not what.

[BeaStKid]

Garam Masala has lots of uses, I'm fond of it in a lot of things. It makes one heck of a good BBQ marinade when combined with italian dressing.

 

One thing I can't get over here; Ghee butter.

That can always be made at home with fresh milk...but I guess bottled milk would be more popular at your side??

[C James]

That can always be made at home with fresh milk...but I guess bottled milk would be more popular at your side??

 

Yep, no way that I know of to get fresh milk here, though maybe a health store would carry it.

 

I'd like to thank everyone who has participated in this thread; I've had a lot of fun, and I'm glad you liked Category 5.

Thanks!!!!

CJ