Raped Love

[Ieshwar]

Raped Love

 

You promised me stars

And I gave you my heart

You vowed to even die

To keep me away from harm

And I fell in your arms

 

You led me to your bedroom

I told you to wait

You said sex is great

Sex, I wasn

[Hylas]

umm... just being honest, okay?! lol. don't hit me! hehe

 

anyway, the words used are too vulgar, methinks.

[Menzoberranzen]

I tend to agree with Hylas on this one, the words are a bit crude. I think I understand the effect you were going for, but for me I winced as soon after I got to the fourth stanza.

 

My other criticism is a bit more general. The topic you've written about is a very specific one, and one that relies hugely on personal experience to tell properly. I don't know if this ever happened to you (and if it did, I offer my sympathy) but to me, the poem looks like it was written by someone who has no sense of what the experience is really like. Rape is a subject that is difficult enough to depict in prose, let alone poetry, and it comes across as a bit melodramatic because I get the sense that this is not a poem written from personal experience.

 

On the bright side, the mechanics of the poem are quite good.

 

Menzo

[Ieshwar]

Hey, thanks! I really don't mind the criticism!

 

I never wanted to write about rape! I think that I went a bit too strong with the title. Yeah, it does have a bit of rape but not exactly... Oh, I'm confused now!

 

Anyway, thanks for reading it and postng your comments!

 

Ieshwar

[AFriendlyFace]

umm... just being honest, okay?! lol. don't hit me! hehe

 

anyway, the words used are too vulgar, methinks.

I tend to agree with Hylas on this one, the words are a bit crude. I think I understand the effect you were going for, but for me I winced as soon after I got to the fourth stanza.

I was definitely thrown off by the fourth stanza as well. However, unlike Menzo and Hylas I thought the bluntness ended up adding to the poem. It made me sit up and take notice. Besides the experience being described is crude, why not describe it crudely?

 

because I get the sense that this is not a poem written from personal experience.

It better not be from personal experience, otherwise it looks like I've got some ass to kick

 

Anyway, personally I thought it was really good, Ieshwar

Thanks for sharing it with us,

Kevin

Edited October 16, 2007 by AFriendlyFace

[Ieshwar]

Nope, not from personal experience! Be assured!

 

Thanks Kev!

 

Ieshwar

[Jason Rimbaud]

I think those above me said everything I would have said, but I want to say, I likes. Good job.

 

Jason R.

[FrenchCanadian]

well, I'll dissagree with Hylas and menzo,,, yes there's some kinda straight fowards words going on to crude. Is there some words that coulda been used instead of those,, other wordings,, possibly, but that would change the feeling/effect of the poem.

 

Rape is a subject that is difficult enough to depict in prose, let alone poetry, and it comes across as a bit melodramatic because I get the sense that this is not a poem written from personal experience.

 

I won't try an go and over analyse things, but the way I understood it it was more in the feeling like someone pressuring into having sex when the other wasn't ready,,, I didn't see it as "pure" rape. Therefore it didn't come across as too melodramatic.

 

bottom line, I think it's a good one

[Marty]

well, I'll dissagree with Hylas and menzo,,, yes there's some kinda straight fowards words going on to crude. Is there some words that coulda been used instead of those,, other wordings,, possibly, but that would change the feeling/effect of the poem.

I'm in agreement with frenchcanadian here.

 

I think the adult language was necessary to bring out the use, abuse, destroyed trust, and feeling of worthlessness that I assume Ieshwar was trying to convey in the poem.

 

bottom line, I think it's a good one

And I must say that I thought it was very good.

 

Marty

[Ieshwar]

Thanks a lot, guys!

 

Take care,

Ieshwar