[David McLeod] The Paladin

[David McLeod]

The first chapter of a new story which will probably find its way into the world of Book of Heroes: George of Sedona,

In the Prince's Secret Service, The Translator, and Knight Templar in Training, has been posted in eFiction to

The Paladin. I hope that you will enjoy the story, and look forward to your comments.

Edited December 30, 2008 by David McLeod

[Fishwings]

Just read your first chapter of The Paladin, and I quite like it! Overall, it is quite sophisticated and the characters Jon and Tyler are intriguing. Parts of the passage seemed a bit broken when you were speeding up the pace, but that may be just me.

 

"Tyler," Jon asked. "You ever play Truth or Dare?"

 

The boy was disconcerted by the question, but sputtered out a "Yes, sir."

 

"Good. Here's a new game. It's called Truth. There's no dare to it. I ask a question, and you answer truthfully. Then you ask me a question. I will answer truthfully. I go first. First question: Are you gay?"

I like that.

 

Good work, keep posting!

[David McLeod]

Just read your first chapter of The Paladin, and I quite like it! Overall, it is quite sophisticated and the characters Jon and Tyler are intriguing. Parts of the passage seemed a bit broken when you were speeding up the pace, but that may be just me.

 

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Transitions from scene to scene, and showing the passage of time are still troublesome for me. I don't know how much they detract from the story unless someone tells me, however, so special thanks for that.

 

Playing "Truth or Dare" is such a cliche, but it's also an important event in so many of our lives. I wanted to include it, but with a twist. I'm glad it worked for you.

 

Thanks, again for your observations and support.

[TalonRider]

I liked this version of the game.

 

I can understand the issue of not looking your age. In my much younger days, when someone would ask me age, I'd ask them how old they thought I looked to them. They would guess usually 8 to 10 years younger. Imagine the looks on their face when I would thank them and then tell them my age.

[David McLeod]

I liked this version of the game.

 

I can understand the issue of not looking your age. In my much younger days, when someone would ask me age, I'd ask them how old they thought I looked to them. They would guess usually 8 to 10 years younger. Imagine the looks on their face when I would thank them and then tell them my age.

 

 

I suspect one's disposition has an inordinate effect on one's appearance. In fact, I'm pretty sure it does. I was buying liquor at 16. You can imagine what a sourpuss I was.

[David McLeod]

Chapter 2 of The Paladin has been posted. Tyler and Jon's relationship changes, perhaps for the better. What do you think?

[Verm]

I find the 2nd chapter really enjoyable, I'm starting to see some dynamic between the two main characters. The improvement in character development is noticed as well, yay for my constant nagging! (Sorry for it though.) A little tweaking here and there and you're all set

 

I'll be waiting for a few more chapters to comment again. Keep up the great work, I enjoy your stories.

[TalonRider]

Good chapter indeed. That was a wise move on Jon's part to wait until all of the other relationships were over to being a more personal, intimate relationship. Tyler sure has his share of problems, then again, don't we all?

 

It will be interesting to see comes with the lightening that has appeared. Knowing how some of the other stories are going, I don't think the problem is the MRI.

[David McLeod]

...yay for my constant nagging! (Sorry for it though.) A little tweaking here and there and you're all set

 

Thank you for your thoughts, comments, and support now and earlier. If you have any more "nagging," bring it on! If you think it would be too blunt for a forum post, please send it by PM...I'm counting on feedback.

 

...That was a wise move on Jon's part to wait until all of the other relationships were over to being a more personal, intimate relationship.

 

Thanks for catching that and bringing it out. It's a theme that I think important. Intimate relationships between someone in power, and someone over whom they have power, strike me as problematic on several layers. I guess it's the author's POV coming out in the story.

[TalonRider]

Thank you for your thoughts, comments, and support now and earlier. If you have any more "nagging," bring it on! If you think it would be too blunt for a forum post, please send it by PM...I'm counting on feedback.

 

 

 

Thanks for catching that and bringing it out. It's a theme that I think important. Intimate relationships between someone in power, and someone over whom they have power, strike me as problematic on several layers. I guess it's the author's POV coming out in the story.

It's an issue for employers as well. Being in management myself, I don't normally socialize with my staff after hours. All staff have to attend "Sexual Harassment Training" here also.

[David McLeod]

All staff have to attend "Sexual Harassment Training" here also.

 

Actually, I taught EEO stuff including sexual harassment (or rather, how not) for several years. It's no better on the other side of the lecturn.

[David McLeod]

Chapter 3, "Among the Ancient Stones," of The Paladin has been posted. Thanks for all the feedback to date; Happy Holidays to all.

[Verm]

I like the approach you're going with, by using characters with scientific/medical backgrounds. It's a slightly different feel from the other series of the World. It gives the readers a new way to view and experience the World. It could give insight on how the World works using words of the real world, something George of BoH:GoS couldn't give because he might not/doesn't have the knowledge how to.

 

I hope you continue with the characters' assessments of their journey with this POV.

 

More insight is always good. It helps me immerse myself in your World

[TalonRider]

I think besides his Scientific/Medical background, Jon's Military background will be helpful as well.

 

It's possible that Tyler may not be able to use magic, then again, he may be low on boy magic at the moment. Which could also explain why Jon couldn't dry Tyler's clothes.

[David McLeod]

I like the approach you're going with, by using characters with scientific/medical backgrounds. It's a slightly different feel from the other series of the World. It gives the readers a new way to view and experience the World. It could give insight on how the World works using words of the real world, something George of BoH:GoS couldn't give because he might not/doesn't have the knowledge how to.

 

I hope you continue with the characters' assessments of their journey with this POV.

 

More insight is always good. It helps me immerse myself in your World

 

 

I think besides his Scientific/Medical background, Jon's Military background will be helpful as well.

 

It's possible that Tyler may not be able to use magic, then again, he may be low on boy magic at the moment. Which could also explain why Jon couldn't dry Tyler's clothes.

 

 

Wow, you guys read quickly! And, as usual, the both of you have keen insights (beyond that which the author intended). If I could write to your expectations, I'd consider myself a pro. It's a real kick to hear from you...

[David McLeod]

Chapter 4, "Being of Light," has been posted, here. I appreciate all the comments, and look forward to hearing from you all.

[TalonRider]

It would appear that Tyler is somewhat like George. While George can hear magic, Tyler can see it. Then again, maybe keeping his eyes closed had something to do with him not receiving boy magic. It will be interesting to see what else he will begin to see as they spend more time in this world.

[hh5]

It would appear that Tyler is somewhat like George. While George can hear magic, Tyler can see it. Then again, maybe keeping his eyes closed had something to do with him not receiving boy magic. It will be interesting to see what else he will begin to see as they spend more time in this world.

 

Can the pair do boy magic with out knowing the did it?

[David McLeod]

Can the pair do boy magic with out knowing [they] did it?

 

That, my friend, is something you'll just have to wait to find out.

[David McLeod]

It would appear that Tyler is somewhat like George. While George can hear magic, Tyler can see it. Then again, maybe keeping his eyes closed had something to do with him not receiving boy magic. It will be interesting to see what else he will begin to see as they spend more time in this world.

 

 

Eyes opened; eyes closed. Metaphors for what? Hmmm. Hadn't thought of that. Thanks!

[Linxe Termoil]

Definitely enjoying this story. Can't wait to see things progress a bit more. The ending scene was hot. I'm kinda glad their isn't no detailed sex scenes in they story cause it leaves it up to our imagination.

Can't wait to see them exploring this world and saving what/whom needs to be saved, it'll be interesting watching them learn their abilities and becoming a force for the light that they are so obviously their to serve.

 

 

Regards,

Jon

[David McLeod]

I'm kinda glad...no detailed sex scenes...it leaves it up to our imagination.

 

 

Regards,

Jon

 

Jon,

 

Thanks for your thoughts here and in your review. I read somewhere that one of the hottest sex scenes in modern literature was in "Gone with the Wind," and that it was so pure that it could be read in Sunday School. And yes, I suspect that most readers' imagination is much more vivid than anything I could write!

[David McLeod]

Chapter 5, "Ways of (the) World" has been posted to The Paladin. It includes a story-within-a-story, and I would appreciate your thoughts on that technique (and this particular instance). Thank you!

[Dolores Esteban]

I wrote down my review before reading your question in the forum. You see your story-within-a-story and that technique got my attention.

 

 

I was entirely absorbed into the beautiful and sad tale. My mind was truly shaken when abruptly the tale broke off and the story turned to the tragic accident. A brilliant contrast.

 

Towards the end of the story Jon and Tyler have to deal with an injured person in World. Thus we are reminded who they are and where they from. A good connection between World and Earth.

 

Mistress Alice in chapter 5. I instantly remembered the quote in chapter 3: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. A connection also? Allusion?

 

[Linxe Termoil]

Chapter 5, "Ways of (the) World" has been posted to The Paladin. It includes a story-within-a-story, and I would appreciate your thoughts on that technique (and this particular instance). Thank you!

 

 

It worked just fine.

Finish the story! I wanna hear about the violet eyed silver haired tween and the boy who saved him

 

Good Chapter as always

 

Jon