[Andrew_Q_Gordon] Second Shot

[Andrew Q Gordon]

................... Hmmmm, hurricane Barbara turned out to be a category 2 Royce is better then FEMA, and is going to be the clean-up man on this storm, meanwhile the trash left over by Jordan and Rebecca Colmar will leave a stink for awhile.

Hopefully he will do a better job than 'Brownie,' but i have a feeling it might overwhelm even him.

 

Round 2 coming up, 'Coach & Team' .... let's just say I think things will work out better then Jason expects it to on that. Minimal fallout, because the team has too much to lose.

Not if Meyers and friend are around. Just saying - Tellerfag ISN'T a term of endearment.

 

So what does one do with whiny homophobes that become unglued?? The ones that throw religious tantrums and go so red in the face they risk aneurysms? I mean how stupid was Jordan for even trying to hit Peter (Duh! an obvious black belt)! I think the louder they yell, the more ostracized the will become, this is no longer high school.

 

We haven't seen the last of him or his ilk - sadly money is a powerful tool - especially when it is a total tool who is using it .

 

As always thanks for the comments

 

Andy

[Benji]

Hopefully he will do a better job than 'Brownie,' but i have a feeling it might overwhelm even him.

 

 

Well now, it may be problematic for Royce, but I'm sure that another influential party (hint) that comes in to play ($$$) after all the Church is political...

 

Not if Meyers and friend are around. Just saying - Tellerfag ISN'T a term of endearment.

 

....'cough' 'cough' ...and support of 'supposed' friends is not an acknowledgment of shared feelings!

Edited September 20, 2010 by Benji

[Benji]

We haven't seen the last of him or his ilk - sadly money is a powerful tool - especially when it is a total tool who is using it .

 

As always thanks for the comments

 

Andy

 

...........Yes, money can do powerful things!! I have already hinted at the rescuers!!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

...........Yes, money can do powerful things!! I have already hinted at the rescuers!!

 

 

The rescuers as you so aptly named them - will not be intervening - sorry, they don't know Jason's dirty little secret - they aren't are Rebeca Colmar's Christmas card list.

[Benji]

The rescuers as you so aptly named them - will not be intervening - sorry, they don't know Jason's dirty little secret - they aren't are Rebeca Colmar's Christmas card list.

 

............ His detractors are not whom I have in mind, it is more leaning to his powerful grandparents!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

............ His detractors are not whom I have in mind, it is more leaning to his powerful grandparents!

 

I knew that - that who is NOT on Jordan's or his mother's Roladex. They don't know about Jason, because no one is going to tell them. Thus they can't help. Just let me get it all out, it will make sense - I hope

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Chapter 15 is up, this ought to be the second to last chapter of the first half. The rest is mostly written, but there are things I have already started to change. Any questions, comments or suggestions are welcome. I keep going back and forth on how to take this. There next several chapters are set - then there are a few things to add, then I am not sure - [nice an specific I know.] I have both ideas set - its all about making a choice. There are also a few scenes that explore more of Jason's family, and some new faces - oh yeah all that is wrapped around what really happens to these two.

 

Read, comment, trash me, whatever -

 

Andy

[Benji]

Chapter 15 is up, this ought to be the second to last chapter of the first half. The rest is mostly written, but there are things I have already started to change. Any questions, comments or suggestions are welcome. I keep going back and forth on how to take this. There next several chapters are set - then there are a few things to add, then I am not sure - [nice an specific I know.] I have both ideas set - its all about making a choice. There are also a few scenes that explore more of Jason's family, and some new faces - oh yeah all that is wrapped around what really happens to these two.

 

Read, comment, trash me, whatever -

 

Andy

 

.............Hmm, the aftermath has really hit Jason hard! Good thing Peter didn't pay attention to the 'Unforgiven', tomorrow has to be nerve wracking for Jason! Coach will be cool and tell him he is not the first gay player he has coached. Honestly, I think the majority of the team won't care, like Jason mentioned earlier,

[Andrew Q Gordon]

.............Hmm, the aftermath has really hit Jason hard! Good thing Peter didn't pay attention to the 'Unforgiven', tomorrow has to be nerve wracking for Jason! Coach will be cool and tell him he is not the first gay player he has coached. Honestly, I think the majority of the team won't care, like Jason mentioned earlier, "Geez, Wendy," he groaned, "I'm gay, not Tinker Bell." The only loss to the team will be from the malcontents, only a few I can see at that. As far as where this story goes? I do see the end of part one, it climaxes with the families and school and the acceptance. Part 2 will be trials and tribulations or after the real fallout!

 

Don't know about trials but there will be a few tribulations. Coming out will be easy compared to what is in store next. But I don't want to say too much. Just don't expect a happy ending - [i am channeling my inner Nyphlim here - tone down expectations only to - hmm will I or won't I ]

 

Thanks for the predictions Great Carnac . . . er Seer of Vegas . . . Benji

 

Andy

[Agaith]

(Sort of saying what I said on the review )

I am really enjoying this story, I can relate to certain aspects of both Jason and Peter.

The coming out scene was stressful and shows how unsupportive some parents can become.

Reading about the insecurities of both whilst trying to do things right by each other is touching to read about and makes my stomach flutter during those moments.

I love it keep it up, hope to see more after the change

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Chapter 16 is up and it is what I would consider the end of the first part - part two is going to be decidedly different so if anyone has any thoughts or comments on this half, let me know. Most of the the second half is written, and I actually have two different endings written, not sure which way I want to go. I have a few details to add to the second half and a few decisions on what to add/not add. That and a lot of editing. When I started posting I thought I had this sh!t down but 16 chapters later, I read the stuff I wrote before with a rather critical eye.

 

SO that said, comments on the first half?

 

Thanks

 

Andy

[Benji]

 

I think that Jordan my find himself a bit ostracized, and the grandparents inviting Peter and Jason to their home. Surprisingly, I have this bit of a feeling that Jason's mom will eventually support her son if only to hold her head back up in her social circle.

Chapter 16 is up and it is what I would consider the end of the first part - part two is going to be decidedly different so if anyone has any thoughts or comments on this half, let me know. Most of the the second half is written, and I actually have two different endings written, not sure which way I want to go. I have a few details to add to the second half and a few decisions on what to add/not add. That and a lot of editing. When I started posting I thought I had this sh!t down but 16 chapters later, I read the stuff I wrote before with a rather critical eye.

 

SO that said, comments on the first half?

 

Thanks

 

Andy

 

.............. Hmmm, first half analysis? Jason decides to come out of his closet in full disguise, ever so mindful of family name. Meets Peter and continues the charade, every so the circumstances he get presented with on that fateful night winds up outing him to an ex-friend, and a few others. Of course the downfall of the action was far from over, escalating from the girl that didn't have a chance to the mother that didn't have a clue. Burned bridges can be rebuilt, and the fallout still remained. Jason's last act in the first portion of the story was to settle his sexuality with the coach and team, and see where he stood. That accomplished, I can see a part two evolving from this story.

I think that Jordan my find himself a bit ostracized, and the grandparents inviting Peter and Jason to their home. Surprisingly, I have this bit of a feeling that Jason's mom will eventually support her son if only to hold her head back up in her social circle.

Haha!

Edited October 2, 2010 by Benji

[Andrew Q Gordon]

 

I think that Jordan my find himself a bit ostracized, and the grandparents inviting Peter and Jason to their home. Surprisingly, I have this bit of a feeling that Jason's mom will eventually support her son if only to hold her head back up in her social circle.

 

 

.............. Hmmm, first half analysis? Jason decides to come out of his closet in full disguise, ever so mindful of family name. Meets Peter and continues the charade, every so the circumstances he get presented with on that fateful night winds up outing him to an ex-friend, and a few others. Of course the downfall of the action was far from over, escalating from the girl that didn't have a chance to the mother that didn't have a clue. Burned bridges can be rebuilt, and the fallout still remained. Jason's last act in the first portion of the story was to settle his sexuality with the coach and team, and see where he stood. That accomplished, I can see a part two evolving from this story.

I think that Jordan my find himself a bit ostracized, and the grandparents inviting Peter and Jason to their home. Surprisingly, I have this bit of a feeling that Jason's mom will eventually support her son if only to hold her head back up in her social circle.

Haha!

 

 

Wow Benji, that spoiler was interesting - completely wrong but interesting Part two will be very different from One. Just leave it at that. But that won't be evident until the 4th or 5th chapter. But thanks for reading and commenting, I hope you still like it after all the changes in the second half.

 

Andy

[Benji]

Wow Benji, that spoiler was interesting - completely wrong but interesting Part two will be very different from One. Just leave it at that. But that won't be evident until the 4th or 5th chapter. But thanks for reading and commenting, I hope you still like it after all the changes in the second half.

 

Andy

 

..................Which part?? I'm sure the grandparents are going to be accepting, Mom may not accept, but crap she needs to hold her society head up! As far as Jordan, how many students are going to stand with him?

[Andrew Q Gordon]

..................Which part?? I'm sure the grandparents are going to be accepting, Mom may not accept, but crap she needs to hold her society head up! As far as Jordan, how many students are going to stand with him?

 

Well frankly all of it wasn't spot on - though when you ask if the G-parents are accepting I will say that is true prediction - Grandma is a hippie chick at heart despite her wealth. But as for the rest - one should always keep one's cards close to the vest [figured the gambling metaphor was apt for a Vegas man]. Once I get the next set of chapters up you will see your answers to most of those questions. I suspect you will be able to divine much of the rest at chapter 5 or so but then again who knows? My brain isn't wired the same as most I am told LOL.

 

Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Going to cheat a bit and response to a review(s) here instead of on the eFiction site - I figure this is where we are going to do them going forward so get in the habit here.

 

Cia wrote:I like this chapter. You have laid the groundwork for a lot of interesting plot interactions to come. Jason's family seem very 'money' and of course that makes this a rich kid story in some ways, obvious by the cars However, you've written Jason and Darryl in ways that they don't seem to be the rich, BMOC jerks that they could be. People think they have it all but sometimes the more you have the more you risk losing. I can understand Jason's hesitation to risk being outted. My only criticism is having the parents named by mom, dad, their first names and other times their last names. It made it more difficult to keep track of who was who in this initial chapter. Otherwise, great work!

 

I know it is bad form to answer a question with a question but I need some clarification. when you say the names are confusing, are you talking about the speech tags or in the dialogue. If by the speech tags, I agree, it is something I am working on going forward. In working on this, I read and had explained to me by a friend who is helping me that I need to use one name with speech tags or one title for example, dad or father, I need to learn to keep things like that to a minimum. i,e. don't do Coach Slewman, his coach, the coach, jacob - I need to find one tag and keep to it the vast majority of the time. If by use in dialogue, I was trying to use names to introduce folks, so i am fairly sure you were referring to speech tags, if not, let me know.

 

You wrote: Jason is in a bit over his head it seems. He kept his composure pretty well with Darryl though. I really like who you wrote that scene, it was really believable. Jason wants to be with Peter and he's trying to be subtle but how well he's managing is iffy. Maybe if its in real life it is but on paper it's like, wow... not really. He's willing to ride on the back of a motorcycle of a guy he doesn't really know very well when it's against team rules. Do straight guys do that? Hmm... Great chapter.

 

 

Again, a question -

 

1) By 'iffy' and 'wow not really' I get you are referring to how subtle he is being, but what parts? The asking to dinner? the inviting him in? The motorcycle riding - which you reference, all the above or just the motorcycle?

 

Well as for the motorcycle ride, I didn't know my law school room mate to well when he suggested we go for a ride on his bike to get food the first week we were there. He was definitely straight, and I was not out or anything and did NOT have the hots for my roommate. SO I guess it does happen. As for not knowing him too well, I tried to get across they talked - albeit briefly - exchanged numbers, send each other texts, had dinner in the student union, I didn't want to go into every detail while conveying they had contact over the intervening weeks. So in my mind, he was not that unknown, but your point was one I never thought about so I can't say it was a conscious decision. It sounded cool - at least to me, I have this fascination with motorcycles, I want one but was given a choice by Mike, I could have a kid or a Ducati. I thing I chose wisely opting for a kid. Also when I originally wrote this, the motorcycle ride home occurred the first night they had dinner at the student union. At that point, Jason was tired and was like what the heck, I don't want to walk, it is a short distance and this is my dream man.

 

Keeping the ride in might have been too much as you hint but there it is. Nice pick up, I hadn't thought of that - obviously, esp the part about - do supposed straight guys do this, even though as I mentioned above, I think the answer is, yes some do.

 

Thanks for the comments, I always seem to learn something new from your comments so thank you very much.

 

Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Gonna cheat a bit more and respond to Louis' comments - partly because he is putting me to shame with responding to each chapter when I just gave him one big review

 

Chapter 12: Grumble grumble...excellent scene tho. Jordan's a real meat ball. Had my ears and eyes rivetted to the screen. Couls actually hear the fight. Writing rocks bro

 

Jordan is more of a meat head than a meat ball - I tend to like meatballs so he can't be that

 

The thing I worried about most with this, was could i pull off Jordan the jerk without being too comical, trite or one dimensional. Hopefully that worked.

 

Chapter 13:lump lump in the throat. tearjerker hell this is. can't even find the tissues right now. I am devouring this and loving it. man o man...

 

Here again, the hardest part for me was getting the characters to stay in character and act the way they would react. I had some help keeping this on track, so it is better than it was when I first wrote it. Hopefully his reaction was in keeping with what we expected from him.

 

Chapter 14: Barbara has to deal with her insecurities in her own social environment. Royce is a dad and a half. what a dad. He's logical and sympathetic. Almost as if he understands. Nice chapter Andy. very nice. You got the emotions right. My emotions. Way cool.

 

Thanks Louis, the only issue I have with this chapter, is Dad's reaction might cause problems for the plot later on. The person who is beta reading is concerned his reaction here is not in character with Royce's character later on. That was not artfully stated but the idea is, how I portray his character here, might be in conflict with how he is portrayed coming soon. Hopefully it will all work out.

 

Thanks for taking the time and effort to give me so much feed back. I am trying to assimilate all the comments into my coming chapters, I think all the help has improved the story.

 

Andy

[Nephylim]

One of the things that has impressed me about this story is that the characters are very consistent and extremely well rounded. I feel that I know Peter and Jason as well as the world they live in and the people who people it. The information has been provided slowly and naturallly just as you would get to know someone in reality.

 

As far as Royce changing is concerned... no one is consitent all of the time. Everyone acts out of character sometimes and some of the best books I've written have had the main character set up in one way only to have them act completey out of character at times. Look how many shy, mild mannered geeks become heroes and there is no reason why it shouldn't wok the other way around. We all act like saints or jerks on occasion.

 

I think sometimes that people get too hung up on 'rules' and lose sight of the creative flow as well as applying the rules to life. People change, people act out of character, people grow and develop and change their views. People are people and you are a master at creating believable people so relax and don't worry so much. I do have an impending sense of doom though as things can't keep going as well as they are.

 

Looking forward to seeing where you take it.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I think sometimes that people get too hung up on 'rules' and lose sight of the creative flow as well as applying the rules to life. People change, people act out of character, people grow and develop and change their views. People are people and you are a master at creating believable people so relax and don't worry so much. I do have an impending sense of doom though as things can't keep going as well as they are.

 

Looking forward to seeing where you take it.

 

The concept that 'rules' are meant to be bent when necessary is so you - I love it. Now that you say it, I can see where you employ the above advice in your work, but it worked so well I can't say I noticed at the time - add this piece of advice to my advice bank

 

Sadly life is never easy all the time and these two are not going to escape their share of hardship.

 

Thanks for chiming in - always my pleasure.

 

Andy

[Cia]

Oh Nephy and I share a love of torturing characters. A good bit of angst and agony just makes the happy endings, when they occur, more gratifying. Plus it just makes for some good reading! As for your questions posed to me.By names I meant sort of a mix of both. You use Royce, Dad, and Mr. Tellerman in reference to him and adding in 3 other adult couples at the same time, with similar switching of names made it a bit difficult to apply the correct names to the characters at first. Not a major deal but just a small drop from the flow of reading for me.

 

What I meant to say was that Jason's interest in Peter did not seem that subtle to me. Not being a gay guy in the closet and understanding that this is a story so they most likely would end up together might have skewed my perceptions a bit. He really didn't want to hide his interest for too long anyway. I definitely think it is a non-issue really. Josh has always wanted a Ducati and I've seen a lot of people use motorcycles to add a bit of excitement. They are dangerous to a certain extent and that definitely gives riders of them a 'bad boy' feel. Even when you are talking a 15-20 grand sport bike The kid might end up being more dangerous to your mental health though Little buggers will drive you straight to the nut farm!

 

Something I noticed, and bear in mind this is only me commenting having read the first 6 chapters, is the lack of specific martial arts action in the story. Maybe you've written it in and I just haven't seen it yet? It's great you are writing something you know but I was a little surprised it wasn't more prominently written into the story, other than being a central part of Peter's life. I always like to read stories that contain something the writer is passionate about as well. That often comes through in their writing and makes it more special.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Something I noticed, and bear in mind this is only me commenting having read the first 6 chapters, is the lack of specific martial arts action in the story. Maybe you've written it in and I just haven't seen it yet? It's great you are writing something you know but I was a little surprised it wasn't more prominently written into the story, other than being a central part of Peter's life. I always like to read stories that contain something the writer is passionate about as well. That often comes through in their writing and makes it more special.

 

 

Yes, I know this and frankly there is not going too much MA action in this for several reasons - 1) Soccer is my real passion - hence the soccer sequence of which there will be more, 2) this is wrtten from Jason's perspective not Peter's so unless Jason is there, I am not sure I want to tackle the whole issue of writing from Peter's perspective, especially not for something as intense as Martial Art action, 3) I couldn't begin to really get too far into a martial arts action sequence with Peter given my own experience is somewhat limited AND I take what is a relatively new and hard to find discipline - Krav Maga. It would be highly unlikely that he would take Krav Maga given he is not centered around a big city or big university campus, but even so, there are not many Krav Maga tournamens/competitions so there wouldn't be a state championship kind of thing.

 

There will be a few scenes involving this but again, I don't know enough yet to really write about it with any degree of comptence.

 

God you are good with this stuff - you hit all the weaknesses - this is so love/hate you know

 

Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I know I said I was going to wait for the new eFiction to be up and running before I post the other half of the story, but I am thinking I can manage to transfer over the entire story if i get that far before the new site is up.

 

Question, I have the next three chapters edited and ready. The two after that are written but need some self editing - as well as being sent to the person who is beta reading/editing. Then I am still working on the next chapter or two [not sure if it will be one long chapter or two shorter ones,] After that I have the bulk of the story written except for a few final chapters.

 

So if I start posting, I can probably go one a week for 5 weeks and hope i get the rest of that in between chapter written OR I can wait to start posting until I get that last part written. If I start now there is a chance - a good chance - that I might take an extra week or two to get that part out, but if I wait a week or so, I should have it done and I can go right through.

 

Thoughts???

[Caedus]

Either way works for me, though I think you should go with the latter option to get it out of the way and keeps up the continuity of the weekly posts.

 

Your worth the wait so I wouldn't have any problems waiting a week or two. Go with what you feel most comfortable with.

[AnytaSunday]

I know I said I was going to wait for the new eFiction to be up and running before I post the other half of the story, but I am thinking I can manage to transfer over the entire story if i get that far before the new site is up.

 

Question, I have the next three chapters edited and ready. The two after that are written but need some self editing - as well as being sent to the person who is beta reading/editing. Then I am still working on the next chapter or two [not sure if it will be one long chapter or two shorter ones,] After that I have the bulk of the story written except for a few final chapters.

 

So if I start posting, I can probably go one a week for 5 weeks and hope i get the rest of that in between chapter written OR I can wait to start posting until I get that last part written. If I start now there is a chance - a good chance - that I might take an extra week or two to get that part out, but if I wait a week or so, I should have it done and I can go right through.

 

Thoughts???

My vote is put it up right away. Reason: your fans want to read what happens to Jason and Peter! And I'm so excited about this. (the kiwi way to say YAY!) hehehehe

 

The one/two chapters you're working on--well, I'm sure you'll get them dressed up quickly--then it sounds like you're almost done. My opinion is that in the five weeks of posting you can touch up the rest that directly follows so that there won't be much gap (if any).

 

But mainly this is a selfish request that I hope others agree wtih: post! post!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Either way works for me, though I think you should go with the latter option to get it out of the way and keeps up the continuity of the weekly posts.

 

Your worth the wait so I wouldn't have any problems waiting a week or two. Go with what you feel most comfortable with.

 

 

My vote is put it up right away. Reason: your fans want to read what happens to Jason and Peter! And I'm so excited about this. (the kiwi way to say YAY!) hehehehe

 

The one/two chapters you're working on--well, I'm sure you'll get them dressed up quickly--then it sounds like you're almost done. My opinion is that in the five weeks of posting you can touch up the rest that directly follows so that there won't be much gap (if any).

 

But mainly this is a selfish request that I hope others agree wtih: post! post!

 

Okay, so given the underwhelming response, I will just wait at this point. Sorry Anyta, but as the lack of responses shows, there are not too many 'fans' who want to find out what happens next. Aside from you - who as my Beta reader/confident has already read the next few chapters - only Caedus, responded and he would prefer I finish the few scenes I have left to write first before I start posting.

 

So with that in mind, I shall finish what I was working through, then start again so as to avoid even the potential for a break.

 

Thanks to you both, always appreciate the feed back and support.

 

 

Andy