lughs prompts Creative Prompt 43

[Lugh]

Write a story with the first line:

 

Her laugh broke the silence.

[Mark92]

Her laugh broke the silence.

 

How could she sit there laughing? What I said wasn’t funny, what I said wasn’t funny at all.

 

I had battled with the thought for week’s even months, and she sits there and laughs!

 

I sat back, and folded my arms giving her an angry glare.

 

“I’m so sorry baby, but you can’t be, you only had a girlfriend last week. Are you sure it’s not something else, do you need attention or love?”

 

I shook my head and leaned forward, hoping not to be over heard.

 

“Mum you promised you wouldn’t laugh,” I growled softly.

 

“I know, but baby you’re just a little confused. You really can’t be that, that would be just silly; look at that man there, do you like him? She smiled sympathetically.

 

“It isn’t like that mum stop drawing attention to yourself, you’re embarrassing me,” I leaned back again.

 

“What will your father say? You know how he feels about men being men,” this time her smile was sad.

 

“I am a man! Mum I’m 26, I’ve been a man for some time now,” The chair fell over as I stood up.

 

Mum jumped, and looked round the small waiting room of the doctor’s surgery.

 

“Mark! Sit down at once! Do you want everyone to know?” she tried to pull me down, “The doctor will fix you baby, you just need some hormones or something,” she smiled.

 

“Mum I’m not Ill I’m gay!” I looked round at everyone sat there.

 

“Yeah, you all heard right, I’m totally gay, I like being gay, I’m proud to be gay, and no damn doctor can fix that,” I waited for a minute to let it all sink into their tiny minds.

 

“And do you all know something else? I’m coming out officially in church on Sunday, so stick that up your narrow minded little jacksies,” I grinned round at them all, then gave them the finger, as I then walked to the door. I turned around to my mum, stood there her mouth wide in shock,

 

“Tell dad I won’t be following in his footsteps, one priest per family is enough,” and with that I slammed out of the door.

 

If anyone needed hormones she did, let’s just hope this HRT will work.

 

 

[Cia]

Good Mark. Your storytelling skills are getting better. Remember though, you don't have to have an action or a speech tag with every bit of dialogue. Mix it up a little. You can have the action be before the speech and/or use a tag.

[Nephylim]

Her laugh broke the silence. No, it didn't break it; it shattered it. Silence cascaded down around me in a thousand diamond shards that slashed through the night and through my heart. Cruel laugh. Cold laugh. Laugh that rips out my heart and spits it back at me with bite marks.

 

How did I ever think she was beautiful? Why haven't I looked into those deep green eyes and seen, instead of stars, the coldness of deep space that is all that lies beyond. How could I have looked at that icy beauty and think she could every be warm? Why didn't I listen to the voices that warned, that predicted my demise.

 

"You must be crazy."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Why don't you start scooping your heart out with a spoon, it would hurt less?"

 

I wish i'd listened to the last one, they were right.

 

Well, there's not much I can do now, but walk away. I can't bear to be in the same space as her. It's strange but, if she had said 'no' then I would have been heartbroken but now... I think, in the end, that laugh did me a favour because, after the pain; after the regret and metaphorical self beating, it's left behind an emptiness which is rapidly filling with righteous anger. How dare she? How dare she... LAUGH!

[Cia]

Her laugh broke the silence.

 

"Daddy, look at me!"

 

I watched my daughter play on the playground and have fun. She was only four and had no idea what the day was. I knew and it was a day that broke my heart. She slid down the slide and came running over to me in her cute little shorts and tank top, her cheeks bright red.

 

"It's hot honey, drink some water." I handed over her purple water bottle and made sure she took several big drinks. Water dripped off her chin when she gave it back.

 

"Five more minutes, okay?" She pouted, sticking her lip out. "No whining, now. It's all we have left."

 

She scrunched up her nose and then looked up at me, "Will you push me?" At my nod she was off and running for the swings.

 

Her giggles and screams for me to push her higher tore at me. Safe behind her back I let the tears fall silently. I hated this!

 

**

 

"You're late!"

 

"We were at the playground," I said quietly. Bethany was buckling herself into her flower booster in the backseat. I wouldn't argue in front of her, I refused to do that to her.

 

"Whatever. Just get back here, we have somewhere to be."

 

The drive back to my ex-wife's was full of Bethany's chatter about starting school next week and her friend Mara from next door being in her class and if I was going to be there to pick her up from school on her visit days.

 

"I promised, didn't I? Right in front of the school."

 

She nodded happily. I got out of the car and opened her door, helping her out and putting her little backpack of clothes on her back. She clutched her bear Rupert in her arms. I tried not to but I couldn't help the tears in my eyes when she wrapped her little arms around my neck.

 

"Don't be sad Daddy! It's okay, it's okay," she said as she patted my back.

 

I took a deep breath and nodded my head. "Sorry honey. You're right. It's going to be okay."

 

Suddenly she shoved Rupert in my arms. "Here Daddy, you keep Rupert this week. He'll keep you from being sad, he's good for hugging."

 

I gave her a small smile and held the bear. "Thank you baby."

 

The front door opened and Cindy stood there, glaring at me. I gave Bethany one last hug.

 

"Time for you to go."

 

**

 

I waited in a line of other cars as the classes came out of the front of the school. I stood next to my car watching as the kids came out in lines. When I saw Mara come through the door I waved. She waved back. Watching, I looked for Bethany's small red head but she wasn't in the line. Maybe she was in another class? When the bigger kids started coming out I realized that she wasn't coming. I rushed inside the school and up to the office window.

 

"I'm looking for my daughter. I was supposed to pick her up today."

 

An older woman smiled at me. "First time?"

 

I nodded.

 

"Let's see where she could be. What's her name?"

 

"Bethany Spanders."

 

The woman typed Bethany's name into her computer and then frowned. She looked up at me and then got on the phone.

 

When the principal came out I began to panic. I couldn't control my panting. "What's going on?" My voice was strangled.

 

"You're Bethany's father? Can I see some ID please?"

 

I nodded and handed over my license. My fingers shook so hard I could barely get it out of my wallet. "Where is she?" I asked desperately.

 

"She never came to school. We tried calling your wife and the contact numbers in the file but the numbers were disconnected."

 

I stared at her numbly. "Ex-wife," I mumbled. I concentrated on just breathing. "She didn't come to school this morning?"

 

She looked at me with pity in her eyes. I didn't like it. This couldn't be happening. "No. She didn't come at all this week. Look, the police are on their way, why don't you come sit down in my office."

 

I followed her and somehow kept from falling to my knees and screaming during the interview with the police and even managed to drive myself home. I put my keys down and walked into my bedroom. I looked around the room, trying to figure out what I was doing when my eyes fell on Rupert the bear sitting on the nightstand next to a picture of Bethany and me. I lost it. My knees hit the floor as I collapsed and I shouted and cried, my fists pounding the tan carpet until blood began to soak in and stain the fibers.

 

Sometime later I finally stopped, my entire world shrunk down to the pain that filled my chest and took away my breath. I crawled onto the bed and reached for Rupert the bear. I cradled him to me and sobbed. She was gone. The police would try to find them but they had several days head start. I would have to be patient. Their words rang in my head but I didn't know what to do, I could still hear her laughing on the playground but my baby girl was gone and she took my whole world with her.

 

 

 

 

 

[Cia]

Ooh, I like that Nephy. I like the transition you have with the main character's emotions.

[Nephylim]

Oh CIa, that was heartbreaking. Awesome job

[Marzipan]

Jinnie in the Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

Her laughter broke the silence.

 

I looked at her and the short guy next to her in wonder. They looked back at me. A million questions ran through my mind. ‘How did THIS happen? When did I turn lesbian? Or bi, or whatever? How did I know? Did I suddenly get a gaydar or something? Was this a date? Oh gosh, why did I think she was irresistible?’

 

“I’m going back to my partner now, have a nice evening ladies.” Johannes, the shorty, winked at us and walked gracefully to meet his companion in the dance floor.

 

Jenni looked at me in silence, a smile on her face – a Mona Lisa smile.

 

“So…” I started. “You’re lesbian?” ‘Go me, go me! What a great way to approach a subject…’

 

“Actually if I have to label myself, I’d probably say I’m bi, but I hate labels.” She threw her blonde hair back and raised her drink to her reddened lips.

 

“Ungh… I didn’t know you knew Johannes. He went to university with me.”

 

“Yeah, we were in the same LGBT group for teens and young adults as me.”

 

“I see.” I had known that Johannes was gay. Getting bits and pieces from their talk had made me wonder about Jenni’s sexuality too.

 

Jenni finished her drink. “So, wanna change place now?”

 

We had been watching live Spanish flamingo music.

 

“Sure.” ‘How had I gotten here?’ I kept asking myself. She was ten years younger than me and super attractive, for god’s sake. She could not have had an ulterior motive to ask me to accompany her to the musical event. And she was my employee. We never had anything to do with each other outside work place before.

 

“Where do you want to go?” She asked and smiled at me innocently. “I would like to go somewhere we can talk, what about you?”

 

“I know a nice place nearby.” It was January and freezing cold, so I though quick walk and hot drinks would be a great idea.

 

“Ok, let’s go then.”

 

We walked hand in hand to the bar, me wearing comfortable winter coat and trousers; she was freezing in micro shorts and a short jacket. I wanted to make her warm again as soon as possible and I had to fight against the urge to hug her to warm her up or even give her my own coat – never mind if I had frozen that night!

 

Few minutes later we were sitting in a dimly lighted bar far from the windows, sipping our hot chocolate drinks. I enjoyed seeing the red vanish from her cute nose to her cheeks. I was really curious about her and she didn’t seem to mind me asking the questions. I wondered if it was because of her youth and easy going attitude towards life. I wish some of that would rub onto me too – little did I know then.

 

“So you and your guy are happy?” Apparently she decided she had a right to ask a loaded question from me too after I had bombarded her with mine.

 

“Yeah. No.” I wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“Well, which is it?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I feel something is missing. But hey, we have been together for almost ten years now, so that might explain this.”

 

“It shouldn’t.” Her eyes were like liquid silver in the darkness of the bar.

 

“I know.” ‘When had we started to whisper? When had we moved closer to each other?’ “We need a refill.” ‘Nice change of subject,’ I thought.

 

“I’ll buy.”

 

She came back with Frozen Margaritas. ‘Oh lord –youth.’ After our hot drinks the Margaritas were like a slap on the face. ‘She will learn,’ I mused to myself.

 

Our new drinks didn’t down well. Just as I had suspected, they would have been better suitable for a hot summer night than arctic cold winter. But we sat and drank them, talked more and got to know each other.

 

I think I fell in love with her that night. The way she carried herself, the way she talked and expressed her opinions, they all created a new kind of thrill to me. Physically she was like a delicate flower, far from my ‘usual type’. Then again, my type had been male before her.

 

Jenni seemed to admire my experience combined with youthfulness as she put it. I remember giggling with joy after hearing that. She made me feel young. Before her I was simply ageing, she turned my clock backwards. She brought life back into me during that one night and many days and nights to come.

 

I think she owned me from that moment without her even knowing that.

 

I wanted to tell her about my dream. But I didn’t.

 

***

 

I waited until six months later when she was tens of thousands miles away from me. I wrote everything down on one single email.

 

I had dreamed about her the night before her invitation. In the dream I had kissed her madly right out of the blue. The dream had left me with a feeling of sudden self realization. ‘Could this be in me? How could I have known this before now? Am I not too old for this?’

 

I wrote to her how I felt about her. How I was attracted to her. How I was going to miss her.

 

How I felt like a new person because of her, even If I would never see her again.

 

She brought me to life. She set me in the path I follow today.

 

Four years later, she is still my Jinnie.

 

 

[Mark92]

Very coolz Marzipan I enjoyed the read

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jinnie in the Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

Her laughter broke the silence.

 

I looked at her and the short guy next to her in wonder. They looked back at me. A million questions ran through my mind. ‘How did THIS happen? When did I turn lesbian? Or bi, or whatever? How did I know? Did I suddenly get a gaydar or something? Was this a date? Oh gosh, why did I think she was irresistible?’

 

“I’m going back to my partner now, have a nice evening ladies.” Johannes, the shorty, winked at us and walked gracefully to meet his companion in the dance floor.

 

Jenni looked at me in silence, a smile on her face – a Mona Lisa smile.

 

“So…” I started. “You’re lesbian?” ‘Go me, go me! What a great way to approach a subject…’

 

“Actually if I have to label myself, I’d probably say I’m bi, but I hate labels.” She threw her blonde hair back and raised her drink to her reddened lips.

 

“Ungh… I didn’t know you knew Johannes. He went to university with me.”

 

“Yeah, we were in the same LGBT group for teens and young adults as me.”

 

“I see.” I had known that Johannes was gay. Getting bits and pieces from their talk had made me wonder about Jenni’s sexuality too.

 

Jenni finished her drink. “So, wanna change place now?”

 

We had been watching live Spanish flamingo music.

 

“Sure.” ‘How had I gotten here?’ I kept asking myself. She was ten years younger than me and super attractive, for god’s sake. She could not have had an ulterior motive to ask me to accompany her to the musical event. And she was my employee. We never had anything to do with each other outside work place before.

 

“Where do you want to go?” She asked and smiled at me innocently. “I would like to go somewhere we can talk, what about you?”

 

“I know a nice place nearby.” It was January and freezing cold, so I though quick walk and hot drinks would be a great idea.

 

“Ok, let’s go then.”

 

We walked hand in hand to the bar, me wearing comfortable winter coat and trousers; she was freezing in micro shorts and a short jacket. I wanted to make her warm again as soon as possible and I had to fight against the urge to hug her to warm her up or even give her my own coat – never mind if I had frozen that night!

 

Few minutes later we were sitting in a dimly lighted bar far from the windows, sipping our hot chocolate drinks. I enjoyed seeing the red vanish from her cute nose to her cheeks. I was really curious about her and she didn’t seem to mind me asking the questions. I wondered if it was because of her youth and easy going attitude towards life. I wish some of that would rub onto me too – little did I know then.

 

“So you and your guy are happy?” Apparently she decided she had a right to ask a loaded question from me too after I had bombarded her with mine.

 

“Yeah. No.” I wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“Well, which is it?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I feel something is missing. But hey, we have been together for almost ten years now, so that might explain this.”

 

“It shouldn’t.” Her eyes were like liquid silver in the darkness of the bar.

 

“I know.” ‘When had we started to whisper? When had we moved closer to each other?’ “We need a refill.” ‘Nice change of subject,’ I thought.

 

“I’ll buy.”

 

She came back with Frozen Margaritas. ‘Oh lord –youth.’ After our hot drinks the Margaritas were like a slap on the face. ‘She will learn,’ I mused to myself.

 

Our new drinks didn’t down well. Just as I had suspected, they would have been better suitable for a hot summer night than arctic cold winter. But we sat and drank them, talked more and got to know each other.

 

I think I fell in love with her that night. The way she carried herself, the way she talked and expressed her opinions, they all created a new kind of thrill to me. Physically she was like a delicate flower, far from my ‘usual type’. Then again, my type had been male before her.

 

Jenni seemed to admire my experience combined with youthfulness as she put it. I remember giggling with joy after hearing that. She made me feel young. Before her I was simply ageing, she turned my clock backwards. She brought life back into me during that one night and many days and nights to come.

 

I think she owned me from that moment without her even knowing that.

 

I wanted to tell her about my dream. But I didn’t.

 

***

 

I waited until six months later when she was tens of thousands miles away from me. I wrote everything down on one single email.

 

I had dreamed about her the night before her invitation. In the dream I had kissed her madly right out of the blue. The dream had left me with a feeling of sudden self realization. ‘Could this be in me? How could I have known this before now? Am I not too old for this?’

 

I wrote to her how I felt about her. How I was attracted to her. How I was going to miss her.

 

How I felt like a new person because of her, even If I would never see her again.

 

She brought me to life. She set me in the path I follow today.

 

Four years later, she is still my Jinnie.

 

 

 

[Dolores Esteban]

I gave that a try, too.

--------------------------------------------

 

 

Her laugh broke the silence. Time started ticking again. Gratefully, Uncle Timothy offered more wine. Gratefully, everybody accepted. The conversation was resumed. Everybody engaged cheerfully.

 

Cynthia winked at Jeremy. Jeremy lowered his eyes for a moment. Then he smiled at his cousin who had saved him with her laugh from any embarrassing explanations. Cynthia turned to her mother. Her mother nodded vividly at Cynthia’s remark. They were talking about the new shopping center. Everybody seemed eager to learn more about it.

 

Jeremy looked from one to the other. Apparently, everybody had chosen to quickly forget Jeremy’s revelations at his grandfather’s birthday dinner. Not that Jeremy had planned to reveal his secret at that particular event. Jeremy had not planned anything. His remark had been entirely casual.

 

His cousin Samantha had told them excitedly that she and her fiancé would marry in September. They had already fixed the date: 15th of September.

 

"That’s exactly the date we have fixed, too," Jeremy had said without giving his response a prior thought.

 

Everybody had turned their eyes to Jeremy. Their eyes had shown surprise and confusion.

 

"Date?" Jeremy’s mother had asked.

 

Jeremy had looked from one to the other. Everybody gazed at him. Their eyes showed curiosity. Jeremy’s face turned pale. He swallowed hard. He hesitated.

 

"A date for what?" his father asked.

 

"My wedding," Jeremy said under his breath. He felt the urge to lower his eyes, but he didn’t.

 

They exchanged brief looks. Their eyes showed confusion. Only Cynthia had smiled a small smile.

 

Finally, Jeremy’s grandmother had given him a warm look and smile.

 

"I had no clue at all, Jeremy," she said warmly. "Why didn’t you bring your fiancée with you? What’s her name?"

 

Jeremy looked from one to the other. Their eyes were fixed on him. It felt like a public execution. Jeremy swallowed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cynthia’s impish smile. Cynthia knew. Jeremy’s heart beat fast, but he sat motionless and just gazed at them.

 

"Won’t you answer your grandmother’s question?" Jeremy’s father had finally asked. His voice sounded angry.

 

Jeremy shifted slightly in his chair.

 

"Derek," he said finally. He gazed at them and they just gazed back.

 

Silence fell. The seconds passed. Jeremy heard a clock ticking. The sound was overly loud. Jeremy suddenly felt dizzy. The sound of the clock faded away. His vision blurred slightly. Jeremy realized that tears had come to his eyes.

 

Suddenly, he heard a merry laugh. Jeremy saw that everybody turned their eyes away from him. Jeremy also looked into the direction. Cynthia squeezed her little daughter who had sat down on her lap. Cynthia wiped ice-cream from the girl’s face and gave another laugh.

 

"Little brat," she said cheerfully. Everybody smiled at the girl.

 

The silence was broken and time started ticking again. Gratefully, Uncle Timothy offered more wine. Gratefully, everybody accepted. The conversation was resumed. Everybody engaged cheerfully. Cynthia winked at Jeremy. Jeremy lowered his eyes for a moment. Then he smiled at his cousin. He was safe for the time being.

 

[Cia]

Oooh, I liked that Dolores! I could almost feel the discomfort and relief when Jeremy wasn't mauled by family for his revelation. I also like the timeline shift you did, starting at the end and then looking back and coming back and explaining the laugh.

[Nephylim]

Maria and Dolores... YES. I really loved the detail and the emotion. It's almost as if they really happened.

[Lugh]

Excellent Jobs! I'm guessing you like the first lines?

[Dannsar]

Her laugh broke the silence. Its sneering quality made the atmosphere all the more loudly frigid and devoid of sound. No one dared to speak. Their total immobility removed all impediment to the sharpness of her guttural expression bouncing off the hard walls in a skittering echo which chased expression from their realm. And with it went the sonority of their own thoughts. Thoughts which reinforced the internal apprehension each of them had of themselves. Their own personal serenities. Unjustified. Without the touchstone of event to cling to, they were left adrift in a space of nothingness, where any connection they had to anything tangible was tenuous at best, and absent in fact. Yes, her absence broke the silence. But it also reified it for ever and a day.

[Tomas]

Her laugh broke the silence. I hadn't heard her enter the room and was slightly startled when I heard her laugh. Turning around there she was in the doorway not more than ten feet from where I stood.

 

She started to slowly move toward me like a cat stalking her prey. I was trapped. I could see that wicked little smile starting to appear on her face and knew that there would be no escape without giving in to her demands.

 

I knew what she wanted. It was always the same. She had made a game of it. She had it all figured out and would watch when I went in to the room. Of course, it was partly my fault for giving in the first time, but it was hard to resist that smile.

 

She moved closer and finally stopped and looked up at me. Holding her hand out, she laughed again. Well... it was more like a giggle and with that smile I knew I was lost. To not delay the inevitable any longer than necessary, I pulled my hand from behind me, broke my cookie in half and handed half to her. She leaned forward and hugged me around my waist and said, "thank you" and ran from the room. Little sisters can be dangerous.

[Cia]

LOL Tomas!! I was just waiting for your twist, you had so much suspense building. Who was 'she'? What was she going to do? What would the narrator do? I love the cookie bit, as soon as I read it I broke out in a smile. Little sisters can be dangerous indeed!

[Lugh]

good job for both Danny and Tomas! Very effective use of the first line.

[jian_sierra]

I wrote a little something for this. Here's the link. Thanks

[comicfan]

Okay, I'll take a stab at this as well. Can't say how well it goes over but here goes.

 

Her laugh broke the silence. It had been so long since Jacob had heard the sound in the house he barely recognized it. The happy sound seemed odd in the silent house. He watched as his grandson stopped making funny faces at the little blonde angel whose happy giggles burst forth in high pitched joy. “Sh, Grace, we’ll go outside and play. You don’t want to bother everyone,” Bobby said to his little sister. She continued to giggle and followed him to the door while their father watched over them. Jacob watched as Christopher hugged his kids and then shooed them toward the front door.

 

The sound of children is what has been missing from my life for years now. How long has it been since a child entered this house and laughed? How long has it been since my children were happy?

 

Jacob stared at his daughter’s children as they hurried outside where they could play. It reminded him of how his own children couldn’t wait to get out of the house as well. There were so many things he missed due to his wife’s illness.

 

“Dad, are you alright?”

 

A sad smile played on his lips. Am I alright? My wife died and for the first time in years my children happily return home to see me. Who knew that one person’s illness could ruin so much for so many.

 

“I will be, Margie. I’m so glad you came and brought the kids,” Jacob said as he looked across the kitchen table at his youngest daughter. She was young, pretty, and reminded of him of Mollie when she was young woman.

 

“I’m sorry you couldn’t have been in their lives, Dad. You know we would have been happy to have you but,” Margie broke off unable to look her father in the face.

 

“Our bitch of a mother would have made our lives as miserable as possible,” finished Trip angrily as he walked up and placed his hand on his sister’s arm. She looked up at him and smiled. They still were close and looked out for each other Jacob noted with pride.

 

Jacob could easily understand his children’s dislike of their mother. His main mistake had been working such long hours. He had thought the extra money would help them all but he wasn’t around when his wife’s illness began really to show itself. He wasn’t there to witness when she started to attack their children. By the time he realized that something was wrong with Mollie it was too late for their kids. He had discovered how she had belittled and beaten the kids so much that the moment they could leave home they did.

 

Funny, for most families the death of a mother brings tears of regret and loss. For my family, they cry in relief and happiness. I failed them all. Jacob shook his head sadly.

 

“The limo just pulled up, Trip. I guess it is time to head out to the cemetery,” Brock announced. He walked over and lovingly put his arms around Trip. Trip seemed to melt into his husband’s embrace. Jacob noted how Trip and Brock complimented one another, making him very content with everything that was happening in his children’s lives.

 

Christopher gathered up the kid’s jackets and kissed Margie on the cheek. She gently reached up and patted his arm. The look of love they shared warmed Jacob’s heart.

 

“I’ll wait outside and watch the kids,” stated Christopher as he walked outside to keep an eye on his children.

 

Jacob shook his head and slowly stood up. He had missed Margarita’s wedding and hadn’t been able to walk her down the aisle as he had always hoped to do. That was now seven years of constant regret for lost time with his daughter and her family. When Brock and Trip had gotten married in Boston two years ago, he had only found out because of a postcard they sent while on their honeymoon. His oldest daughter, Jeanette had refused to even travel home from Colorado for the funeral. She had barely managed to leave Jacob the short message he found on the answering machine.

 

“I love you, Dad. I really do, but I can’t do this. I can’t ever forgive her. I’m sorry.”

 

The sound of Grace’s laughter brought Jacob out of his memories. Margie walked over and put her arm in his and began to lead him toward the door. Trip walked over and gave his father’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as Brock checked to make sure the door was locked and the spare key was on his keychain.

 

Heading outside, Jacob spotted Grace and Bobby playing near their father which caused his face light up with a brilliant smile. It took the loss of my wife to bring my family back together. I am going to do anything I can to hold onto them and love them.

 

Grace spotted the group coming out of the house. She ran towards her mother and then paused. She slowly walked over to her grandfather and put up her little hands.

 

“Carry me, Grandpa.”

 

“Anything for you, Angel. Anything for you.”

 

 

[Menace]

Well this is my first time writing so please give feed backs!

 

Her laugh broker the silence as we walked together holding hands.I blushed feverishly.I can't believe I'm 16 and I'm still holding my mothers hand! We walked down the aisles apples slowly picking them to buy for the visit of my father.

 

"Mom can you stop hold my hand, it's embarrassing!" said me

 

"But honey, you know that you'll get lost in this huge supermarket." said mom

 

I looked at her dumbfounded with wide open eyes.I can't believe she said just said that I'm 16 for gods sake! Why did I followed her inside this place anyways! I should've stayed in the car.

 

Suddenly I looked in horror. As we walked down the aisle, on the other end was the guy in the football team who I have a crush on. I tried to let go of my mothers hand, but she hold on tight. I screamed in agony as I tried to let go, but every strength was futile. As if he could sense me, he looked up. With a surprise on his face he smiled and said:

 

"Hi Jason!"

 

And then I fainted.

[Cia]

I like your story. It is funny to imagine a 16 year old guy and his mom not being willing to let him go. Add in the humiliation of a crush seeing him like that? Yeah, embarrassing. I don't think fainting would be much better though, lol.

 

Take a look at some of the writing topics in the writer's corner. Your story is funny but you definitely need to work on using speech tags and proper puncutation for them. A good plot is only as good as the skills you develop to tell it. Try looking at stories to see how other people use first person and the types of tags they use. Often when I'm writing a scene I will try to find out how other people did it, just as a benchmark and then put my own spin on it to fit my characters.

[Menace]

<br />I like your story. It is funny to imagine a 16 year old guy and his mom not being willing to let him go. Add in the humiliation of a crush seeing him like that? <img src='https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> Yeah, embarrassing. I don't think fainting would be much better though, lol. <br /><br />Take a look at some of the writing topics in the writer's corner.  Your story is funny but you definitely need to work on using speech tags and proper puncutation for them. A good plot is only as good as the skills you develop to tell it. Try looking at stories to see how other people use first person and the types of tags they use.  Often when I'm writing a scene I will try to find out how other people did it, just as a benchmark and then put my own spin on it to fit my characters.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

 

 

Alright! Thnx for the advices and review!

[Dannsar]

Well this is my first time writing so please give feed backs!

 

Her laugh broker the silence as we walked together holding hands.I blushed feverishly.I can't believe I'm 16 and I'm still holding my mothers hand! We walked down the aisles apples slowly picking them to buy for the visit of my father.

 

"Mom can you stop hold my hand, it's embarrassing!" said me

 

"But honey, you know that you'll get lost in this huge supermarket." said mom

 

I looked at her dumbfounded with wide open eyes.I can't believe she said just said that I'm 16 for gods sake! Why did I followed her inside this place anyways! I should've stayed in the car.

 

Suddenly I looked in horror. As we walked down the aisle, on the other end was the guy in the football team who I have a crush on. I tried to let go of my mothers hand, but she hold on tight. I screamed in agony as I tried to let go, but every strength was futile. As if he could sense me, he looked up. With a surprise on his face he smiled and said:

 

"Hi Jason!"

 

And then I fainted.

 

Hey, charming, embarrasing and chuckle making. The first part of writing is always about ideas, and it's clear you have those. It's a really nice story, which will speak to everyone.

 

But ... there's always a but lol ... but, if you want communicate wifh people, you need to do it in a way that they can understand. Writing is not like speech where there is voice tone, and visual cues to make otherwise bizarre connections work. In writing it is very important to work within some of the conventions. For instance, using speech marks to indicate speech. Using commas to show where slight pauses happen. Putting gaps between sentences. Getting the words in the right order. Putting in words you've missed. Taking out words that are unnecessary. Making sure you have used the right spellings to get the right idea across. And once you have all that and more sorted, you then need to learn to check that you've done it all by an irritating little process called editing. If you like writing, you'll hate editing. If you like ideas to write, you'll wish editing in a very deep, dark, and hot place

 

But ... oh yes, there's another but ... but, you clearly have the ability to make all of the second part worthwhile by virtue of your ideas.

 

So keep on doin it, boy. Eventually, by the time you're my age, you'll have learned to ignore all that BS, even though you'll have to admit it's right

[Frostina]

And then I fainted.

 

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... (and i can see that stretching for miles!!)

that was just too cute!

 

but i agree with Cia if he was a 12 year old, i would see him fainting.. 16 is more like.. mortified stage!

enjoyed it nonetheless.

[Frostina]

Posted mine.

 

Trying to Pretend.