How do I.... GET HIM?

[walkofftheearth]

I've been gay since I was 13 (at least I figured it then). I am madly in love with my childhood friend and we have been so close.

 

He's had a girlfriend many years back, was "wooing" a few after (including my sister, ouch) - but he shows some gay vibes - which puzzles me, A LOT.

 

We do showers, sleepovers, everything. I actually touched his dick in his sleep before and he didn't wake. I dont know how heavy a sleeper he can be (or anyone for that matter). I couldn't take it and I stopped. We always like to "play gay", touching each other here and there, somehow my gaydar beeps when we do that. Like we've something special. And I know it's not wishful thinking because he's been showing interest for quite a while.

 

Just hope that the girls he show me are literally for show, because I really want to be more than just friends with him. It's killing me - the girls, the showers, the so-close-yet-so-far-ness... I just hope he feels the same way I do about him. 

 

He gives off the vibe and the very next second it's not there. Somehow I can feel it, but I just wanna be sure that it's not my high hopes getting the better of me. 

 

What should I do? What should I say?

[Arpeggio]

I would suggest asking him, and not touching him without his permission. Lol. 

[Cia]

Life isn't a gay romance. All the 'signs' in the world can be nothing more than your hope and desires. Yet, for every 'we didn't tell each other but we were both wanting it' there is a grain of truth. For some people, it CAN work out like that. The flip side is that for every one of those stories you can find a 'I told him I want/love him and he flipped and we're no longer friends' story. Again, grain of truth. Sometimes events do lead to that.

 

For ANY relationship, communication is key. Friends, lovers, committed couples... honesty and being able to talk about things between you is the only way things really work. You have that choice though. Communicate and ask him flat out and risk losing him as a friend, or have him shoot you down but stay friends (probably after an awkward period) or he may not be comfortable being friends with you at all knowing you're attracted to him. Or you can say nothing and not expect anything to change.

 

Oh, and the touching a person while they're sleeping and cannot/have not given consent? That's assault. Probably should avoid doing that in the future, beyond just the creepiness factor.

[Ieshwar]

 

He gives off the vibe and the very next second it's not there. Somehow I can feel it, but I just wanna be sure that it's not my high hopes getting the better of me. 

 

What should I do? What should I say?

 

I've been in this situation before (the part about receiving mixed signals from a friend). And for me, it was simply my hopes and desires which were seeing things that were inexistent.

 

It's not necessarily your case too. But what I want to say is that it's very hard to be objective and see what's real in these kind of situations.

 

I won't jump on the "I like you. I want you right now." wagon immediately. If he turns out to be straight, it would make things very uncomfortable. 

 

My advice would be, first to 'test the waters'. See how he reacts to gays, homosexuality in general. If he's accepting (and you're ready), come out to him. Tell him that you're gay. Then, wait for some while. It's one thing when a friend comes out and another when a friend comes out and say that they have feelings for you. If there's still nothing from his part and if you want to express your feelings, you can say that you have feelings for him. 

 

Anyway, that's what I did. It took me one and a half year to trust him enough to come out and another whole year to confess my feelings. It turned out fine in the end. No boyfriend but a best friend.

 

Hope it helps. Best of luck.  

 

Cheers,

Ieshwar

[TetRefine]

Sounds like the beginning of every Nifty "teen romance" story every written.  

[methodwriter85]

Sounds like the beginning of every Nifty "teen romance" story every written.

 

Not quite- they didn't bump into each other on the campus quad.

[crazyfish]

Yeah so ... I'm assuming that he knows you're gay already. 

 

You know already what you need to do. Man up. That simple.  Decide if the sharp sting of rejection is worse than months and months of impotent angst. Come clean or remove yourself from the situation. 

 

If your friendship is as deep as you say it is, it will recover. If not, then you have one less troublesome person in your life.

 

The fact is when you come clean,  the world won't end.  Your heart won't stop beating. You won't crumble and die. I guarantee you that you'll feel a lot, lot better. 

 

And oh, don't touch people in their sleep. That's fucking assault. 

[rustle]

I would suggest asking him, and not touching him without his permission. Lol. 

 

Lacey, that's far too simple. And also sums up just about everything else said in this thread.

 

Walkofftheearth, you know your options. You know the risks/rewards. The nexus is, you have to decide to risk what you have, or suffer in silence. Flip a coin. If that's too flippant, you probably already made your choice.

[W_L]

Sounds like the beginning of every Nifty "teen romance" story every written.

 

Hmm...He hasn't shown his yet

 

I think everyone has said their piece, go talk to him.

 

I do sympathize with guys, who have unrequited loves. I freely admit to being tempted by guys in college, but I never took it. When I came out to them, they all said, "You're not gay, you didn't even try to...". I just have good willpower to keep my distance and an understanding that what I would fantasize like a drunken gay orgy with several roommates would never happen, nor should I try to force it. There were opportunities, I've bailed a couple of them out after a long night of drinking and hits of "stuff", but they're my friends first.

 

One of my favorite Nifty writers once wrote: "Liking this stuff isn't wrong, trying to do it is."

[Cia]

 

 

I do sympathize with guys, who have unrequited loves.

 

Are you saying only guys have unrequited crushes, or gay people? Or that's just who you can personally empathize with? LOL

 

So many of us face these situations. Okay, I was a 'kid' in the following situation, but then again, I met my hubby at 16 so that's the only age I have to pull from. I had the biggest crush on this guy I was really good friends with. We hung out, studied together, he was always loaning me his jacket, invading my personal space to sit close/give me those arm over the shoulder walk down the hall hugs. All those gave me mixed messages... until the day he said he didn't want to go to the dance with me and by the way, was my sister dating anyone? Talk about an embarrassing crash and burn.

 

Then again, I got over it, and we stayed friends all through high school. Yes, it is even harder when you also have to decipher the sexuality of the crush, but we've all been there. I'm bi, I can remember a time or two wondering if a girl would be receptive but not being willing to risk it growing up in the homophobic environment I lived in. I think in many ways this type of situation is part of growing up. How we deal with it determines the type of person we are and the type of relationship we want to have with the other person.

 

One element I don't think anyone covered is make sure you're safe when you talk to the other person. No matter what age you are, you can't always predict other's reactions. If you have any inkling that the person you're telling might react violently, you should be careful about when/where and especially how you mention your sexuality and/or your crush.

[AceKebabs]

Does he know you're gay? Like did you come out to him? Because if you did and he's cool with it..im sure he will understand at least I hope so..best of luck to you but if things doesnt work out..just remember that there are lots of opportunities to come be brave

[walkofftheearth]

Thanks loads guys! Much love.

 

I am still extremely scared to come out to him, or any one, in fact. This is probably because I go to church and serve actively, plus he's my church mate, and we all know how anti-homo most churches are. If I were to come out to anyone in church, there practically goes my life. I am scared of being judged for who I am + the fact that I'm Christian. Plus, I come from an Asian country, and Asians are usually more reserved about all these gay rights and stuff - which I am so not proud of. 

 

I will keep trying, guys, thank you so much for your help! I wish you all the best in love too  <3

 

P.S. Keep trying = drop hints and bring up the topic to him once in a while?? And any christians who may offer good advice on this?

[Thorn Wilde]

I know how scary coming out can be, but... It seems to me that if you guys have been friends your whole life, and you 'play gay' a lot, if there's anyone who will accept you, surely it's him? In the end, only you can gauge that, but look at it this way: If something is ever to happen between you guys, he'll have to find out about it anyway. 

 

Without at all turning this into a religious discussion, can I ask what sort of church you belong to? Because I know out gay people who belong to a lot of different denominations, and they all face different trials, and some have it easier than others. 

Edited November 4, 2013 by Thorn Wilde

[JamesSavik]

 

GET HIM?

 

You must first GET YOURSELF.

[TetRefine]

You must first GET YOURSELF.

 

Words of pure truth right there. 

[Y_B]

I actually touched his dick in his sleep before and he didn't wake

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

that awkward moment when you touch your friend thinking he's passed out and he wakes up going "umm.."

 

I had a friend kiss me after I "passed out" on his couch in my drunken stupor but he was not aware I was WELL aware of what was happening. I didn't say anything but that was awkward.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Y_B