how do you break up with some one?

[W_L]

I know it is a cliche, two people date and think it is something meaningful, but one starts to feel like it is not working out. The guy breaking up first is usually villainized and the other partner is pitied.

 

I have a problem with a guy that is sweet and nice, but we really can't speak to one another too well. He's Brazilian and it is so hard to understand him or even hold meaningful conversations. In addition to that, we have vastly different outlooks on life, i am a workaholic, who prefers quiet and peace outside of work. He's a fun loving guy, who likes dancing and clubs.

 

The stereotype would lead you to think he'd break up with me for a hot twink, but he is completely loyal. I just don't think we work as a couple, but I lack the courage to just dump him. He has done nothing wrong to me, nor do I want to cheat on him.

 

Inlike past loves, he is not emotionally needy, nor is my life interfering with us. 

 

I have talked to him about it, but he doesn't think we have an issue and thinks it will go away with time and a few cocktails. 

 

He's a good guy, but he's not right for me. 

 

Can any of you guya give me ideas on breaking up friendly.

[Bill W]

W_L, there seems to be some cultural differences here, if you see a problem and he doesn't.  Maybe you have to show him, but do it nicely.  What I mean by this is start asking him to do things you want to do, even though it may not be his cup of tea.  If he refuses and suggests something he likes instead, then you state firmly that you're not interested in doing that.  After a few times of wanting to move in different directions, he'll probably get the hint that this isn't going to work out.  When he does, you can both agree to break it off amicably.  I hope that helps. 

[Never Surrender]

Im sure other older and wiser people will have better advice, but as a commitment phobe ive done the whole breakup thing.. quite a few times. That said, im probably not the best person to take relationship advice from either!!

 

Honestly id just be firm but fair with him, its not fair on either of you to be flogging a dead horse with this whole thing. Just sit him down, make it all pretty friendly, and tell him that it isnt working out and that you think you should both go your separate ways. Dont budge on this issue, the more you bring it up and do half a job, the less seriously he will take you the next time (in my limited experience). If this isnt enough, tell him that your feelings have changed, and you no longer want to continue this relationship. If he still tries to convince you its all fine, its time to be blunt. Tell him that you arent compatible, that youre ending the relationship, etc. and make no compromises, dont have a discussion about it, dont respond to him if he cries or rages or pleads, if you want to end it then it needs to end. 

 

On the other hand, is it just that you have different interests? You dont have to be under each others feet 24/7, is there no reason that you both cant pursue different hobbies and lifestyles in your own time? Why cant he go out clubbing with friends whilst you unwind on your own? Sure its good to share interests, but relationships are about compromise and no two people are identical. Personal space is great Even if you went clubbing or to a cocktail bar or a pub one evening a week and he chilled out with you one evening a week, and the rest of the time you didnt see each other much except for at dinner and bedtime or whatever? might be viable option if you want to go down that route?

[JamesSavik]

Really depends on the situation.

 

 

Scenario 1:  Babe- I'm just not comfortable with your cosplay as a Gestapo officer.

 

 

Scenario 2: It's not me, it's you. You are worthless and weak and the sex is bad.

 

Scenario 3: I think anyone that gave me the clap because they are sleeping around should understand... GTFO!

 

 

Scenario 4: I know you are sleeping with my friends because you called me BRAD in your sleep. GTFO!

 

 

I could go on but...

 

Edited August 6, 2014 by jamessavik

[Irritable1]

 

 

Can any of you guya give me ideas on breaking up friendly.

 

I'm afraid there's really no way to break up with someone that leaves them feeling too great. You'll need to accept that he may feel sad and that you may feel guilty. Doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do, just that there's a strong likelihood that it'll be uncomfortable.

[Percy]

I usually opt for the "it's not you, it's me" line.  I'm an introvert, I need a lot of alone time in my life right now.  Whatever.  Be truthful but keep it simple.  The important thing is to give your reason and then repeat it as many times as you have to. Sort of like when someone calls asking for a donation.  They'll keep coming at you from different ways, badgering or offering compromises and seeking a future change of heart.  Be firm.  Be kind.  But be firm.

[Aditus]

You explained it well. I totally understand why you want to break up with him. Maybe he will too, together with the 'it's not you, it's me' line.

 

Usually you can't break up with someone without hurting them. You just have to live with being villainized by some. And there are people out there who like villains, just saying...

[Kitt]

Bottom line here is you have to do what is right for YOU. It is nice to be considerate of his feelings etc, but don't compromise your own happiness to do it!

[TetRefine]

Be straight up. Don't bullshit him and be honest with the why's, what's, and how's questions he will surely ask. Breaking up isn't that hard figuring out what to do, but actually doing it is extremely hard. I went through it once before and thats how I did it. 

[methodwriter85]

Be straight up. Don't bullshit him and be honest with the why's, what's, and how's questions he will surely ask. Breaking up isn't that hard figuring out what to do, but actually doing it is extremely hard. I went through it once before and thats how I did it. 

 

   I honestly thought Cia has been your only boyfriend. Interesting.

[zaf89]

Don't draw the process out. Don't become cold and distant with no explanation to him. Don't let it go on so long that you start resenting him. Don't lie, even for the sake of his feelings. Tell him what you've told us here. If you have no hard feelings toward him, just wish him the best, and get it over with. It will be awkward, yes, and probably painful for him (and maybe even for you). But it's necessary if you know in your heart that it's over, because the longer you lead him on, the worse it will be in the end.

 

And, from personal experience, do it in person, face-to-face. No breakups via text, phone call, facetime, etc. etc. That's just tacky and bad form, not to mention prickish (not that you had planned to do this....just something I always feel the need to reiterate when discussing breakups).

[TetRefine]

   I honestly thought Cia has been your only boyfriend. Interesting.

 

I didn't know Cia was a dude?

 

But if you mean Camilo, then yes he has been. But we went through a breakup that seemed very permanent at the time and essentially was. Although we eventually got back together, it lasted long enough for me to know what the whole process feels like.

[methodwriter85]

Yeah, I meant Cam. Oops.

[Rockette]

Just be honest but firm in your resolve to break up.  If you're really through with trying to make the relationship work, that's the best solution.  There's no need to lie about whose fault it is or paint it up in pretty colors, just tell them the truth.