' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[Mikiesboy]

Poems inspired by two wonderful poets ... End of Days  and  i posted Our Father ? there too.. 

[Emi GS]

leaf litter – I think I want to write

a poem about leaf litter pressing

down the 'old,'

compacting it

making it dense and heavy,

but do the sorrows

accumulating on top

give a care about the ones being

buried?

press

press

press

new on old, endlessly.

You always seem to present every normal and the unusual things in different ways. Such a clear cut thought, the poem.

[oboi83]

Hi,

I am new to this community and only recently embark on the journey of creative writing.

I'd like to hear from your comments and critiques.

Thanks in advance

 

Sun sets at the moment when the moon timidly rises from the distant horizons.

The exchange of a momentary glimpse reticently kindles their love day after day.

The moon waxes and wanes.

A star hangs and falls.

The tide swells and recedes.

But, eternity is my promise for you.

Your "yes" marks the beginning of our happiness.

No longer will we feel lonely in this desert called world.

Because an oasis has sprung up from the fountain called love.

Edited December 11, 2016 by oboi83

[Mikiesboy]

Hi,

I am new to this community and only recently embark on the journey of creative writing.

I'd like to hear from your comments and critiques.

Thanks in advance

 

Sun sets at the moment when the moon timidly rises from the distant horizons.

The exchange of a momentary glimpse reticently kindles their love day after day.

The moon waxes and weans.

A star hangs and falls.

The tide swells and recedes.

But, eternity is my promise for you.

Your "yes" marks the beginning of our happiness.

No longer will we feel lonely in this desert called world.

Because an oasis has sprung up from the fountain called love.

I like the images here, though the moon wanes ... maybe that's autocorrect...

And quotation marks are ok, but I find them pull the eye away too much ... consider using italics instead.

I'm not sure about: desert called world ... and you have the word called twice in two lines.

 

I think you're off to a good start. If you are serious about writing poetry there are a whole series of prompts that can guide you. Hope to see you around. There are some good poets here. You should read their work...

 

tim

[oboi83]

Thanks so much Tim. Sorry for the spelling error though. I really appreciate your advice and I'll definitely start working on my craft and reading other people's work.

 

I mistakenly posted the following poem in another forum so I'll repost it here for critique.

 

Title: Would you

 

Would you go, if I invite you to travel with me to the ends of the world?

 

Would you listen, if I recite you poems from the words traversing the flowing stream of time?

 

Would you be my perfect audience, if I play love ballads on the string chords resonating with those of your heart?

 

Would you let me take care of you, if I ask you to move across an ocean to be with me?

 

Would you walk with me, along this lonely and tortuous path called love?

 

Would you stand defiantly with me, when our love is ridiculed and attacked?

 

Would you stay with me, after leaves have fallen and flowers withered?

 

None of those words can conquer a simple I Love You, from deep within my heart.

 

And would you let me take your hand, if I ask you to?

[Mikiesboy]

Thanks so much Tim. Sorry for the spelling error though. I really appreciate your advice and I'll definitely start working on my craft and reading other people's work.

 

I mistakenly posted the following poem in another forum so I'll repost it here for critique.

 

Title: Would you

 

 

 

 

Would you go, if I invite you to travel with me to the ends of the world?

 

Would you listen, if I recite you poems from the words traversing the flowing stream of time?

 

Would you be my perfect audience, if I play love ballads on the string chords resonating with those of your heart?

 

Would you let me take care of you, if I ask you to move across an ocean to be with me?

 

Would you walk with me, along this lonely and tortuous path called love?

 

Would you stand defiantly with me, when our love is ridiculed and attacked?

 

Would you stay with me, after leaves have fallen and flowers withered?

 

None of those words can conquer a simple I Love You, from deep within my heart.

 

And would you let me take your hand, if I ask you to?

 

Too many, would you's, for my personal taste, I'm very much a, less is more, writer. I'd rewrite this using would you, sparingly and there would a lot I'd remove, for me this is too much. But it's not mine, it's yours. Do you like it as it is?

[oboi83]

Thanks so much.

I wanted to create a lyrical kind of taste to this but I can see your point.

Do you have any suggestions as to how to take out some of the would you but still offer the tone of asking the person these questions?

Cheers!

[Valkyrie]

I agree with tim's comments, although I don't mind the 'would you's as much since they establish a pattern and could be used as a rhythmic element.  I would recommend keeping alternating sentences similar syllable lengths. The sentences are written as full sentences, and one of the fun things about poetry is playing with form.  I'm a 'less is more' type of person when I write.  With poetry even more so.  Make sure every word you use has a purpose.  Here's an example of a revision with less words, but making the same point (at least as I interpreted it):

 

Would you follow?

 

If I traveled the world.  

 

Would you listen?

 

If I recited ageless poems.  

 

 

I hope this makes sense and I didn't offend you with my suggestion.  It's ultimately your work, but my suggestion would be to see how you could convey the same thoughts with less words.   

[Mikiesboy]

Thanks so much.

I wanted to create a lyrical kind of taste to this but I can see your point.

Do you have any suggestions as to how to take out some of the would you but still offer the tone of asking the person these questions?

Cheers!

My take on your words:

 

Would you go, if I travel to the ends of the world?

 

If I recite you poems—words traversing the stream of time?

 

Would you let me take care of you, if you move across an ocean?

 

Walk with me, along this lonely and tortuous path

 

Would you stand with me, if our love is attacked?

 

And stay with me, after leaves have fallen and flowers withered?

 

No words can conquer a simple I Love You.

 

And if I ask, would you take my hand?

[Mikiesboy]

My take on your words:

 

Would you go, if I travel to the ends of the world?

 

If I recite you poems—words traversing the stream of time?

 

Would you let me take care of you, if you move across an ocean?

 

Walk with me, along this lonely and tortuous path

 

Would you stand with me, if our love is attacked?

 

And stay with me, after leaves have fallen and flowers withered?

 

No words can conquer a simple I Love You.

 

And if I ask, would you take my hand?

Hmmm, I'd have to change the 2nd line somewhat i think... Listen, if I recite you poems—words traversing the stream of time?   Better? Maybe...

[dughlas]

And this is why I come to this forum. A person asks advice and two respond with gentle though diverse suggestions and explanation.

[Emi GS]

And this is why I come to this forum. A person asks advice and two respond with gentle though diverse suggestions and explanation.

You got me before myself...

[Mikiesboy]

 

Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

 

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

 

This came to mind this morning ... so i thought i'd share it.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Mikiesboy

[Valkyrie]

Thank you for sharing, tim.  Dylan Thomas is one of my all-time favorite poets.  One of my most treasured books is a copy of his "Deaths and Entrances".  The first time I encountered this poem was in twelfth grade English.  I had the option of several different tracks, and one of them was poetry.  My teacher had a poster on the wall with this poem, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I try to keep in mind every so often, and this is a perfect time to share it.      

[Parker Owens]

 

 

Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

 

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

 

This came to mind this morning ... so i thought i'd share it.

 

 

 I appear to be utterly out of likes until sometime in the next millennium. But I enjoyed this conversation immensely, and then tim added one of my favorite poems to the mix. How am I supposed to go back to work now? 

[Mikiesboy]

 I appear to be utterly out of likes until sometime in the next millennium. But I enjoyed this conversation immensely, and then tim added one of my favorite poems to the mix. How am I supposed to go back to work now? 

Don't .. just go home LOL

[AC Benus]

We should all check out Doctor Oger's witty poem here. It's a treat!     

[Valkyrie]

More poetry in today's Advent Calendar.  

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/aditus/anadventcalendar/14

[Mikiesboy]

From a  friend and fellow poet... Words From The Heart

[dughlas]

Thank you tim, I might have missed the pleasure of them had you not pointed them out.

[Mikiesboy]

Thank you tim, I might have missed the pleasure of them had you not pointed them out.

they're good.. he was 26 when he wrote them...

[William King]

tim, thank you for posting the link. You really are a kind person to say they "are good". Perhaps, I don't know, I guess what's important is that you feel the emotion and the love, then you like a poem because it resonates, touches a chord in your soul. It's raw, unrefined, immature even, you can hit me with the rules, comments and thoughts, I know everyone here cares about everyone else... and that really is quite something

[Mikiesboy]

tim, thank you for posting the link. You really are a kind person to say they "are good". Perhaps, I don't know, I guess what's important is that you feel the emotion and the love, then you like a poem because it resonates, touches a chord in your soul. It's raw, unrefined, immature even, you can hit me with the rules, comments and thoughts, I know everyone here cares about everyone else... and that really is quite something

well, they're good, because they touched me. And I like the different forms of poetry and the rules, but to me, there is something very special about poems like these, because they came from that need to get them out!

 

You could fix them up, correct the meter, the rhyme, but that would change the soul of the poem, in my opinion.

[Emi GS]

From a  friend and fellow poet... Words From The Heart

 

 

Read and reviewed. Thanks for posting the link. Or otherwise I would have missed them in the queue.

 

tim, thank you for posting the link. You really are a kind person to say they "are good". Perhaps, I don't know, I guess what's important is that you feel the emotion and the love, then you like a poem because it resonates, touches a chord in your soul. It's raw, unrefined, immature even, you can hit me with the rules, comments and thoughts, I know everyone here cares about everyone else... and that really is quite something

Don't be rude. We just don't go that hard on newbies...

[Emi GS]

More poetry in today's Advent Calendar.  

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/aditus/anadventcalendar/14

Read, Reviewed and I think Guessed too...