The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 13. Friendly Fire

When Monday’s rehearsal started, it soon became clear something wasn’t right. To begin with, even after one hour of our official start, there was no sign of Dmitri, Siggi, Karen or Gísli anywhere. Gummi seemed more distracted and anxious than usual, stopping us every couple of minutes because he had made a mistake. After those one and a half hours of rehearsing without four key players, he finally gave up and called a break, though he asked to speak to us before we left the stage.

“As you have noticed, we are missing some people today,” he said, sounding really tense and distraught. “I was going to tell you about it after rehearsal, but I can see some of you are very anxious already, so I might as well get this over and done with.” Beside me Santa bit his lip and some people took deep breaths. Their reactions made me even more afraid that something really bad had happened to them. “On Friday evening Siggi was involved in an accident. He was released from the hospital yesterday and Dmitri asked me to let all his housemates be with him today to make sure he is ok. We are not expecting Siggi back until at least next Monday, but the others should be here tomorrow.”

“What accident was it?” Santa asked, his normally soothing eyes filled with water. It was almost as if he knew the answer to his question already.

“I can’t discuss details with you yet, I’m sorry.” Gummi answered in a grave tone that gave me goose-bumps. Santa lowered his head, like Gummi had just confirmed his suspicions. I wanted to ask what was going on, but I was afraid of what his answer might be. I couldn’t imagine what was so horrible about this accident that Gummi had to be so secretive. It could only be something really awful. My chest hurt when I started to understand what this all meant. Siggi had been so badly hurt he wouldn’t be able to return for a week. He was probably in pain, suffering at home with Dmitri and his friends.

And suddenly I was fantasising about being there with him, helping him get through the pain and taking care of him until he healed. I gave him water and food and changed his bandages and gave him medicine and he hugged me and thanked me and we were happy and smiling together. My imagination didn’t carry on for long though, because we still had more than three hours of rehearsal ahead of us. All I could hope for was that Siggi would be ok soon.

(...)

I had a nightmare that night. Siggi lay in a pool of blood and his hands and fingers were twisted at odd angles. I tried to call him, but the more I screamed the more he seemed to sink down into the blood, until all I could see was his scared face trying to shout for help, but only managing to swallow more and more blood. He was obviously in pain, but there was nothing I could do. When I thought I had finally reached him, all I actually did was hold onto a few strands of hair as he disappeared under the bright red pool.

I tried to act normally during breakfast, but Jó probably noticed something was wrong. I didn’t eat and didn’t talk much; the scenes from the dream seemed to follow me everywhere I went. I couldn’t get rid of them even as I entered the rehearsal room and prepared my violin.

“Hi, Gunni,” Dmitri called, kneeling in front of me so that our eyes were on the same level. He seemed more tired than usual, though he was still smiling pleasantly. “How are you doing?”

“How’s Siggi?” I asked more bluntly than I wanted to. Dmitri’s face didn’t change, like he was expecting me to ask about Siggi before anything else. “What happened last week? Will he be ok?”

“Too many questions, Gunni, too many questions,” Dmitri answered, shaking his head and waving his hand dismissively in front of his face. “You need to go a bit slower if you want proper answers.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, embarrassed by my attitude. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down a little before I spoke again. “How is Siggi?”

“He’ll be fine. Arnar is with him now, so you don’t have to worry,” Dmitri answered, sounding less enthusiastic than his wide smile suggested. He was probably very tired.

“What happened to him? Gummi said he couldn’t tell us any details, but I can’t think of anything that…” I tried to ask, but Dmitri interrupted me with his hand. He sighed and stopped smiling.

“We can’t say anything yet. I don’t want to scare you, but it was some really deep shit that Siggi got himself into, so it’s up to him when and if he wants to talk about it.”

“Oh, I see… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I apologised, turning away from Dmitri. As much as I was worried about Siggi, it would not be fair to keep asking questions when Dmitri seemed so uncomfortable with the situation. He and Siggi were friends; it was obvious that whatever had happened would’ve affected him too.

“Nah, it’s fine. I would be curious if I was in your place too. Maybe I’ll tell you some other day when the whole thing dies down and Siggi is back with us,” Dmitri said, becoming cheerful again.

“I hope he gets better soon.”

“Don’t we all? Don’t worry, things will be back to normal soon.” Dmitri got up and I turned to face him just as he was leaving for his own seat. “See you later!” He waved and was gone before I could reply. I watched him walk away and realised he had not touched my hands, face or hair like he usually did. He had not tried to flirt with me or to do anything that would make me embarrassed. It was probably because he had been affected by whatever had happened to Siggi, but it felt weirdly out of place for him. Over the weekend I had grown used to the idea of having a flirtatious colleague who seemed like a nice guy just looking for harmless fun. This short interaction had been enough to make me realise that not only I liked that part of him, but I kind of missed it too.

(...)

For the rest of the week rehearsals carried on as normal. I saw Santa, Kjartan and some others talking to Karen and Gísli in secluded corners during breaks, but for some reason no one approached Dmitri with questions. Part of me wanted to go to the oboist and ask why this was so, but I remembered his discomfort when I tried to talk about it, so I gave up. For the whole week Dmitri talked to me frequently, but always from a safe distance and never in a flirtatious tone. By the time the next Monday came around, I was kind of freaking out, worried that what had happened to Siggi was more serious than I thought, and that Dmitri had been seriously affected too.

“Gunni, I need to talk to you.” Dmitri rushed to my side on Monday. I had arrived especially early because I was feeling anxious about Siggi. Jó had noticed the change in my emotional state, but I promised him we would talk about it when the rehearsal was over and he let me go for the time being. I felt bad for worrying him, but considering how much he liked Siggi, he would probably make me feel worse if I tried to talk now. “Can we go somewhere else?” Dmitri asked, frantically looking over his shoulders like he was expecting someone to come and stop him.

“Yeah, sure, I…” Dmitri didn’t wait for me to finish before walking away to one of the back rooms. Once we were there, he closed the door and didn’t turn the lights on. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything bad to you,” he said, sounding cheerful again. In the dark room I could barely make out the contours of his body. “It’s just that Siggi wanted me to tell you some things, but I don’t want to do it in front of him because I don’t like the way he said I should do it.”

“What?” Why would Siggi want to talk to me of all people? Had something changed in him because of the accident? The way Dmitri spoke made me think that this was probably not the case, though.

“Siggi said I could tell you what happened to him,” Dmitri said, taking a deep breath. His hand came up to my shoulder, making my entire body heat up in some kind of weird longing. Why did I miss his touch so much?

“Oh, I…”

“But he wanted me to do it in a way that will seem like it’s your fault,” Dmitri interrupted me, squeezing my shoulder and putting his other hand on my hip. I tried to say something, but his hand moved to stroke my cheek, indicating I should listen until the end. “I don’t think it’s your fault, no one else thinks it’s your fault, so please don’t ever believe him if he says so, ok?”

“Ok,” I promised him. A cold, agonising feeling spread through my body as I dreaded what Dmitri was going to say next. Thankfully, he felt my discomfort and asked if he could hug me. Like the first time we did it, his embrace was very comforting and warm; it made me feel safe enough to hear the full story.

“Arnar phoned Siggi on Friday. You probably don’t know this, but Siggi has always looked up to Arnar as a kind of adoptive father. Arnar means a lot to him and is probably the single most important person in his life.” Dmitri took a deep breath. “That’s probably why he hates you so much, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, the thing is: Siggi had always believed that Arnar would somehow recover from his accident and refused to give up hope that he would come back to the ISO. But then Arnar told him it would never happen and Siggi… well, saying he didn’t take it well would be an understatement…”

Dmitri didn’t speak for a while. His hands tightened their grip on my back and hair and I felt his chest moving slowly as he took deeper and deeper breaths. In the back of my mind I was beginning to have an idea of where this was leading, but the majority of my brain refused to acknowledge this possibility. I hugged Dmitri back with all the strength I had.

“He tried to kill himself,” Dmitri whispered hurriedly, like he needed to get those words out as soon as possible before they became too hurtful. “He made me do some crazy shit to him, but we managed to call for help on time. Arnar has been with him every day since, and Siggi was put on suicide watch and ordered to see a counsellor every other day and it’s been a total nightmare, but I think we’re getting better now.”

The obscure part of my mind screamed I knew it, I knew it, making the rest of my brain hide in a dark corner. The only reason I kept standing was because Dmitri was holding me. His hands felt strong against me, the heat from his body was like a safety barrier to contain my shock. I had never known anyone who tried to kill themselves before. It was a scary idea and I had no clue of what to do now. Did it mean I had to act differently around Siggi? Should I even be near him?

“I’m sorry,” I said in the end. One of Dmitri’s hands started to play with my hair.

“You don’t have to be sorry. Siggi had been going through some deep shit ever since Arnar’s accident. If anything, we should be saying sorry to him for not seeing it coming,” Dmitri answered. “We didn’t think he would go that far, but things are looking up now. I think this whole mess has taught him a thing or two.”

“You think he’ll do it again?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“I don’t think so. I know I was wrong the first time, but now he’s getting the proper help to deal with his issues.” Dmitri let out a short laugh. He suddenly sounded a lot more cheerful. “And boy, he has issues. Probably more than you and me put together. And considering what I am like, this is no small feat!”

I didn’t think it was right to laugh about this kind of thing, but I didn’t say anything. Dmitri and I hugged for a while longer before we realised we were missing the rehearsal. Part of me wanted to ask what Dmitri’s issues were, since he hinted at having quite a few of them, but I decided not to. Dmitri seemed like such a nice person it was hard to believe he could have any kind of serious problem, and the last thing I needed right now was to have my perceptions of yet another colleague shattered.

“Now, Gunni, when you see Siggi again, act like nothing has changed,” Dmitri warned me when we were about to enter the rehearsal room. “He’s probably going to act like a bitch around you as usual, but don’t do anything you normally wouldn’t do. Gummi and I will call him out on his behaviour if he passes acceptable limits with his bitchiness, so don’t worry. Ok?”

“Yes, I guess…” I agreed. Dmitri’s hand, which had been resting on my hip for the whole walk to the rehearsal room, sunk a bit and squeezed my butt. His gesture was oddly reassuring, even if a bit inappropriate. If anything, it meant he was back to the flirtatious self I had come to like.

(...)

Gummi didn’t say anything when Dmitri and I took our seats while everyone else was already playing. Siggi ignored me for the whole day, though it seemed everyone else was kind of ignoring him too. I wonder how many people knew what he had tried to do and what they thought about it. I wasn’t even sure about what I thought about it, apart from the dreadful feeling in my chest every time Siggi popped up in my mind with Dmitri’s voice saying I should never think it was my fault.

I phoned mum as soon as I got home. She would know how to help me sort my feelings out. I called the house number and got no reply, and her mobile was turned off. She was at work, and I had no idea when she would be back.

“Did something happen, Gunni?” Jó asked upon seeing me return the phone to its cradle. “Do you want to talk?” I wasn’t sure Jó would be the best person to help me with Siggi-related problems, but seeing as mum wasn’t going to be around for a while, he was my only option.

“I guess…” We sat on the living room couch in the same way we did when I was talking to Jó about my feelings for Dmitri and Siggi. The way he played with my hair was very similar to the way Dmitri had done earlier in the dark room, which made me feel oddly safer and calmer than I would otherwise have been.

“What is the matter? Is Siggi being mean to you again?” Jó asked, going for what he thought was probably the most obvious reason for any problems at work.

“No, not really,” I half-lied. Technically, Siggi himself hadn’t done anything to me, he just asked Dmitri to do it. “Though this is about him.”

“Oh, really?” Jó didn’t seem very surprised. “What did he do, then?”

“He tried to kill himself,” I answered mechanically. Afterwards I was surprised I had managed to say it so easily.

“What? How?” Jó almost shouted, not expecting to hear such a thing. His hands left my hair as he jumped in his seat.

“I don’t know the details, but he missed a whole week of rehearsal and a concert while recovering. He came back today.”

“So this is why he wasn’t at the concert last week! I thought it was weird you didn’t mention anything…” Despite his words, Jó didn’t sound like he was blaming me for keeping it a secret for so long.

“We had been told he had an accident, but I only heard more details about it today,” I explained, feeling bad that I had not talked about it sooner. Now that I was on Jó’s lap feeling his warmth and his relaxing scalp massage, I felt silly for having avoided him before. “I feel sorry for him. I didn’t know he was feeling so bad before and…”

“Sometimes it’s hard to spot this kind of thing,” Jó interrupted me, shifting his position a little on the couch. “When I was depressed for three years it was pretty obvious what was going on, because it had a very obvious starting point and also my personality changed drastically from one day to the next. But sometimes the signals are more subtle and sometimes they’re not there at all.”

I nodded. “Dmitri said no one saw it coming.” After listening to Jó’s story I felt even sillier for not wanting to talk to him; I had forgotten he had experienced this kind of thing before.

“There you go. So I guess rehearsal today was not that great, was it?” Jó smiled lightly, moving some loose bangs away from my eyes.

“Yes, a bit. Everyone was tense and no one talked to Siggi, though I don’t know if it was because he asked them not to, or because they were all scared of him.”

“How come you don’t know? Weren’t you there?” Jó asked, raising an eyebrow. I felt my face heat up as soon as I opened my mouth to reply.

“No, I was with Dmitri in another room when rehearsal started…” I confessed, avoiding Jó’s gaze as soon as I noticed he was smiling widely. “It’s… it’s not like that!” I protested, and Jó laughed. My whole body burned. “He wanted to tell me what had happened to Siggi. We didn’t do anything… we just hugged and…”

“It’s ok, Gunni. I promise I won’t say anything embarrassing.” Jó was still laughing. I wanted to tell him to stop, but the change of topic was not entirely unwelcome. Hearing his laughter made me feel better, if only because the rest of the day had been so tense and serious.

“Thank you, Jó,” I smiled at him too.

“No problems. I’m here anytime,” Jó winked. We didn’t talk anymore, but stayed on the couch for a while longer. I fell asleep because of the scalp massage and only woke up when Eiri called us for dinner.

(...)

For the rest of the week Siggi avoided everyone during rehearsals, including Dmitri, who used the opportunity to spend more time with me. Every day during breaks Dmitri would call me to the backroom and we would hug or sit very close together. He told me he liked to play with my hair, and I confessed that I liked when his arms embraced me completely. We stayed mostly silent during those moments, lost in our own thoughts. He would ask for a kiss on the mouth right before we left the room, and I never had the heart to say ‘no’.

“Siggi and I had sex last night,” Dmitri told me three weeks after Siggi’s return to rehearsals. We were sitting on the ground in the dark backroom; he had his back to the wall and I was comfortably laying on him while he played with my hair.

“Oh, ok…” I didn’t know what to say to that. On the rare occasions he spoke during our moments together it was always something to do with the week’s concert or some embarrassing story from his first year at the ISO, before Siggi joined.

“He wanted to try it again; said it had been too long,” Dmitri carried on. I had no idea why he was telling me this. It was so unexpected that I didn’t realise he was implying he and Siggi were having sex even while he flirted with me and kissed me. “He knew I would never say no. I mean, I couldn’t stop him before…” His hands stopped toying with my hair and he was silent and completely still for a while. I didn’t say anything, waiting to see what he was going to do. When he spoke again, his voice was a lot more cheerful. “Ah, well, it only served as more proof that Siggi sucks as a top. If you two ever hit it off, you should never bottom. It’s not worth it.”

“What?” I turned to face Dmitri, feeling my body burn like it had been thrown into a lava pit. What was up with the sudden change of topic? Did he know about my crush? “What do you mean?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“Ah, you know, if a miracle happens and you get the man of yours dreams…” Dmitri grinned, messing with my hair and then holding my cheek. “He knows you like him already. It’s just a matter of making him like you back.”

“You say it like it’s very easy,” I sighed, letting my face rest against his hand. His touch was warm and gentle, so good I didn’t really watch my words.

“I can help you think of something if you want,” Dmitri suggested, bringing me closer to his body so that he could rest his head on top of mine. “Siggi’s my best friend, I should know by now what works with him and what doesn’t.”

“Why would you do that?” I asked, feeling suspicious because this whole situation was too convenient to be true. I had given up any chance of ever doing anything about my crush within days of meeting Siggi; it would be useless to keep trying.

“Because you’re cute and Siggi needs more happy things in his life,” Dmitri beamed, squishing my body in a tight embrace.

“You think I would make him happy?” I half-asked-half-mused, wondering what could’ve given him that idea.

“Potentially, yeah. You have lots of things in common, more than either of you realise,” he spoke in a mysterious, creepy tone that gave me goose-bumps. “You just need an opportunity to talk like civilised human beings so you can figure it out by yourselves.” Dmitri’s voice changed to his usual happy cheerfulness. “And it just so happens that I know the perfect opportunity for you to do that.”

“What? When?” I asked with some hesitation. Things were falling into place too quickly and too smoothly; there must had been something else going on.

“We’re organising an under-26 early Christmas party on Saturday so we can all be in proper Christmassy spirits for the Christmas concert next week,” Dmitri explained, sounding very enthusiastic. “You’re obviously eligible to come, and so is Siggi, so there’s your golden opportunity! What do you think?”

“Well…” I tried to think of something else to say; to consider what could happen if I agreed to Dmitri’s plan and what would happen if I didn’t. I tried to imagine myself and Siggi at a party and what would certainly become my pathetic attempts at conversation, then realised it would most likely be my most embarrassing moment since joining the ISO and that it would probably be a bad idea to go along with it. But even in the dark I could tell that Dmitri was looking straight into my eyes, smiling happily and confidently and holding my hands as if to say it would be all right and I couldn’t refuse. “I guess it might be worth trying something…”

“Oh, it will be great!” Dmitri beamed, hugging me tightly and messing with my hair. “I’ll let Karen know you’re coming and I’ll make sure you’ll have a great time. Trust me!”

“Ok, then…” I nodded, still not completely convinced.

“Shall we close the deal with a kiss, then?” Dmitri asked, grinning broadly. One of his hands found its way to my neck.

“But isn’t it like cheating? If you and Siggi are having sex and all…”

“We’re not in a relationship,” Dmitri winked, still grinning in a rather sinister way. “I’ve done more than kissing with plenty of guys since we started fucking and he never cared.” He took my face in both his hands, making me look at him straight in the eye. “Do you care?”

“I… I’m not sure…” I answered, biting my lip in fear he would be disappointed with me. I didn’t want to make him sad after he had been so nice to me all this time.

“Well, I’m not asking for anything we haven’t done already,” Dmitri argued, caressing my cheek in that way that always made my body heat up and cause a tingling feeling to spread all the way from my face to my lower abdomen.

“Then… then I suppose it’s ok…” I answered, moving my body forward as I spoke. Dmitri’s mouth met mine halfway, and we kissed until my lungs were empty of any oxygen.

“You’re really cute!” Dmitri beamed, making me blush. We left the backroom soon afterwards, and as usual his hand rested on my hip all the way to the door of the rehearsal room. With one last squeeze of my butt he let me go and we took our places.

Life carried on as normal, at least until Saturday.