The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 25. Why Should You?

Finally an actual new chapter! Thanks Lisa for the editing!
This is a very short chapter, even more so when compared to the previous one. It's all about Gunni and Dmitri being cute/intimate together. 
Enjoy!

“Do you want to borrow some pyjamas?” Dmitri asked. “You and Gísli are about the same size, so I could get him to lend you some.” It was nearly two in the morning, and we were alone in his room. As he spoke about getting clothes for me, he quickly got rid of his own. “Unless you like baggy shirts, then you can wear one of mine, or even Siggi’s. He probably wouldn’t like it, though. Ah, well, it’s up to you.” My boyfriend stood completely naked in front of me, and I suddenly forgot everything he was saying. I didn’t like where this was going. My heart beat faster and a voice inside my head told me to run. Fast.

Dmitri stepped towards me, seemingly concerned. “Are you ok?” I probably looked as panicky as I felt, and without meaning to I took a step back. My boyfriend was surprised, or maybe hurt for a moment, then looked down at his own body and grinned in understanding.

“Sorry, should I put my underwear back on? Is it bothering you? I usually sleep like this, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then I’ll get some pyjamas too. Maybe we can wear a matching set?”

I didn’t know what to answer. I was definitely uncomfortable looking at him and certain parts of his body that seemed far too big to not be dangerous. His offer calmed me somewhat, but I didn’t want him having to change his habits because of me. I wasn’t even sure why I was panicking so much. Rationally, I knew Dmitri wouldn’t do anything tonight unless I wanted him to. He had made it very clear he just wanted to cuddle in bed and nothing more. Yet, something inside me didn’t trust him. It seemed to think that he was tricking me to get me alone with him in his room. I tried not to think about what he could do to me in this situation.

But then Dmitri put his loose boxers back on, and fished two old t-shirts from the wardrobe. He threw one to me and put on the other.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m going to sit on the bed and you can come whenever you’re ready. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want to.” Dmitri didn’t seem particularly sad or hurt, but it made me feel like I was the most awful person in the world and that I had the best boyfriend ever, all at the same time. His words and gestures reassured me he was not trying to trick me, which made me feel horrible because I hadn’t trusted him to begin with, and because my reactions had been so over the top and so ridiculous.

“No, I’m… I’m sorry,” I finally said, gripping the shirt he handed me tightly. “I don’t know what happened; I don’t know why I was so scared. You’re nice and…”

“It’s ok, Gunni. You probably reacted that way for a reason,” Dmitri reassured me again, though it only made me feel more pathetic. I was suddenly aware of all my insecurities about sex and my very sexual boyfriend, and how I would surely disappoint him once he found out about them. “We can’t always control things like that; I won’t take it personally. Actually, to tell you the truth I think it’s quite cute.”

“If you say so…” I blushed again, and willed my legs to move so I could join Dmitri on the bed. “I still don’t know why it happened, though.”

“Maybe it was my dick. I’ve scared a few people with it already.” Dmitri laughed, but I didn’t join in.

“So it gets even bigger when, you know…?” My face became even hotter, like it was being slowly cooked from the inside. Part of me didn’t really want to know the answer, and another part of me was amazed that I was asking my boyfriend about his private parts.

“Pretty big. I don’t think I’ve been with anyone bigger than me. It’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, though. Some of my partners loved it, and others would never let me top them.” Dmitri smiled, probably trying to make me feel better. Hearing him admitting to have a porn-size penis didn’t really help easy my anxieties, though; it only made me think of the videos I had seen with Fríða, of how intimidating those big penises had seemed.

But if I kept thinking about it that way, I would never be able to do anything sexual with my own boyfriend. It wasn’t fair. Dmitri should be able to do the things he liked with the people he liked, and it was my duty as his boyfriend to make him happy. I tried to smile. “You can take your clothes off again, I think. I don’t want to feel like I’m preventing you from doing things you like.”

“Aww…” Dmitri smiled too, but he looked more concerned than happy. “As much as I like the thought of cuddling naked with you, I’m afraid I’ll have to reject your offer. You’re definitely not comfortable with it, and I won’t let you force yourself to do things you’re not ok with.”

“But…”

“Do you want a hug? Come here.” Dmitri opened his arms, inviting me to approach. He was still smiling, and my body finally relaxed a little. I tried to concentrate on how much I liked his hugs and cuddles, and how safe I felt in his arms, and soon I was sitting on the bed by his side. His arms enveloped me and he kissed the top of my head. “I see what you’re trying to do and I think it’s very noble of you, but this kind of thing never ends well. You’ll just hurt yourself, and I won’t forgive myself if I let that happen. I’ve already hurt Siggi far too much; I can’t bear to do the same to you. You two are the people I care about the most, you know?”

Dmitri tightened his grip and the weight of his words hit me full-on. Dmitri still carried the guilt from Siggi’s suicide attempt, even though he had been the victim. I felt the fear and the desperation in his embrace; he was holding on to me as if to run from his worst nightmare, so I held him close too, and tried to make him feel better. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you either; I want to make you happy.”

“I know that. I appreciate the feeling, but I don’t think either of us can be really happy while the other is suffering.” He kissed the top of my head again, his fears dissolving for the moment, and I leaned against his chest. “Martyrdom sounds romantic and all, but in reality it sucks.”

“You speak like you know what you’re talking about.” Dmitri pulled away slightly, and I realised I may be walking into dangerous territory. He spoke before I could apologise, though.

“It’s a long story, and not one I’m ready to share just yet. Sorry, you’ll have to trust me on that.”

“I do.” Now that I was safely resting in his arms, all my fears about being alone with him in the room disappeared. I felt like a fool for thinking he would try to hurt me when he was going to such great lengths to prove the opposite. “Thank you.”

“Nah, thank you, Gunni. I really like to be around you, it’s quite… refreshing.” Dmitri pulled me closer again, and kissed my forehead. I blushed.

“Yeah, I feel good too.”

“See, this is so nice we don’t need to think about sex to have a great time. We have a great thing going on here, I don’t need anything else.” Dmitri spoke in a sweet, charming tone that made me melt inside. It was reassuring and liberating. I felt happy butterflies fluttering in my stomach, and before I could think about it properly, I raised my head to kiss Dmitri on the cheek. He smiled, and it made me feel like kissing him more. I playfully attacked his cheeks until he fell backwards on the bed, with me on top of him. I kissed his mouth.

“Heh, that was fun!” Dmitri beamed once we broke the kiss. I felt like laughing out loud too, or just tickling his belly until he couldn’t breath. “Can I kiss you again? No strings attached.” He winked, and I laughed. We kissed somewhat more passionately than before. He wiggled under me and I felt strangely delighted. We stayed like this for a while, until Dmitri gently pulled me off him.

“Is something wrong?” I asked him, wondering why he wanted to stop when we were having so much fun.

“No, not really. I just don’t want things to escalate too much. I’ve already freaked you out once today, it’s not happening a second time.”

“Oh.” I blushed when I realised what Dmitri meant, and made an effort to not look towards his crotch as my face began to resemble a tomato once again. I was grateful for his self-control, and some of my insecurities melted away.

“Don’t worry, we can still safely cuddle. Let’s get under the covers; I’m looking forward to falling asleep with you in my arms.” Dmitri’s words made me blush even more. The thought of sleeping under his comforting embrace made me warm and fuzzy inside, and I rushed under the covers. We laid side by side, he half-hugged me with one arm and played with my hair with the other. We soon turned the lights off; there was a fluorescent lamp right above the bed, and it was shining in our eyes and making us uncomfortable.

In the pleasant darkness of the room, enveloped in the comfort of my boyfriend, it didn’t take long for me to drift off to the first confusing thoughts of new dreams. When I woke up later that morning, I felt Dmitri’s warm chest against my back, and his arm loosely wrapped around my waist. He was still sleeping, so I closed my eyes again, grateful that I could enjoy this moment for a while longer.

Thanks for reading!
We're now getting to see a bit more of Dmitri's personality that is not related to sex. It's not necessarily a good or a bad thing, but it's very different from what Siggi seems to think of him... 
And speaking of Siggi, he'll be back for the next chapter! It feels like years since he had an actual point of view. I almost miss him.
Don't you?