The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 57. Devotion

When Dmitri finally lifted his head from my lap, the clock on the bedside table showed it was past three in the morning. He had stopped crying a while ago, but his face was still red and puffy.

“Thank you for being here, Gunni. I… Thank you.”

“Thank you for trusting me with your story.” I caressed Dmitri’s hair and he tilted his head towards my hand. “You always said you weren’t ready to share it, but I’m glad that you were. I mean… Not because I liked to hear it, but because now I feel like I know you so much better.”

“I know. I’m glad I got this off my chest too. It made me realise that I can really… That I’m ready to give you everything I have. I feel that my heart is yours now, and as much as I know I shouldn’t say this… so is my life.”

“What?”

Dmitri managed a weak grin. “I gave up my life for Þorsteinn before, and that was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. But with you…” His sat up facing me. His grin became a full-fledged smile as he put a loose strand of hair behind my ear and caressed the dry tear trail on my cheek. “With you sitting here, crying your eyes out out of empathy for me while doing your best to comfort me… You’ve proven that you deserve all that love and much more. I can trust you. I can love you because you accept and respect my feelings even if you don’t feel the same way. I can give you everything I have and believe it’s going to be fine.”

I tried, but I couldn’t smile back. “That’s…”

“That’s how much I love you. I just realised I don’t need to be afraid of it. It’s going to be fine. We are going to be fine!” Dmitri’s smile was the biggest and brightest I’d ever seen on him. His eyes filled with water again, and he jumped on me without warning. My back crashed against the headboard, but Dmitri kept hugging me as tightly as he could.

He needed me. He needed that comfort. How could I tell him I was making twice the effort to breathe because of his crushing hug and because of the pain in my back? He eventually let go, and I tried not to show how relieved it made me.

Dmitri held my hand. “Would you mind going downstairs to let the others know I’m ok now? I don’t feel like I’m ready to interact with other people yet, but I’m sure they’re worried about us.”

“Sure, if you’re ok with me leaving you here.”

Dmitri’s hand squeezed mine so intensely my knuckles felt out of place for a second. “I want you to go, but I don’t want to be away from you.” He turned away from me and crossed his arms over his chest. His voice came out as a childish whine, and I couldn’t tell if was intentional or not. “Go before I change my mind and make us cuddle until sunrise instead!”

Dmitri kept his back to me as I rushed out. Closing the bedroom door gave an unexpected (and unwelcomed) sense of relief. I knew Dmitri was emotionally affected by reliving the worst months of his life, and I understood his need for comfort, but… he couldn’t be serious about this whole giving his life to me thing, could he? It had to be just a spur of the moment overreaction…

I was three steps away from the bottom of the stairs when Siggi came out of the music room. He stared at me with such venom that I climbed back a step. “Are you hurrying home now that you know the fucking mess Dmitri is trying to pull you into?” Siggi’s body rested against the doorframe, with his arms crossed over his chest and his right leg sticking out towards the corridor, blocking the path to the living room. Even in this kind of semi-bent posture, Siggi was almost as tall as the door. “Run now. It’s your best chance. And do us all a favour by never coming back.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here because Dmitri asked me to tell his friends that everything is fine now.” I slowly climbed down the remaining steps, feeling Siggi’s gaze burning me the whole time. I avoided staring back at him because I didn’t want this to escalate into an argument. I was too tired to deal with his aggression.

“Did he tell you everything?” Siggi’s leg blocked half the narrow corridor towards the rest of the house. He wouldn’t let me pass even if I tried to climb over it.

I stared at his foot, at the fluffy slipper with a cute bunny face that clashed so much with his personality, and hoped he would let me go before I had to try to force my way past him. “Yes. I know about Þorsteinn, and I know how you two became friends because of your pasts.”

“He told you about me?” Siggi’s leg shook and retreated, only for full-height Siggi to loom over me. “What did he say?”

I pressed my body against the rails. Siggi got so close to me his heavy breath blew some of my hair away. I had always imagined that the first time we got into this kind of position, he would be leaning down for a kiss, not trying to rip my body to shreds with his eyes.

“He only said that you both had horrible pasts, and that you became friends because of them. He didn’t say anything specific about you!”

Siggi raised an eyebrow. “He didn’t? I guess there’s still an atom of sense in that deranged mind of his. That said…” Siggi banged his hand against the rail above my head. His face contorted in pain, and he leaned forward until our faces were only a few centimetres apart. “Maybe he should’ve told you more. He must’ve left out the worst details if Mr Perfect-Fairy-tale-Life here is still sticking around. Maybe I should enlighten you…”

He pulled back, and the sense of relief washing over me was so strong that my legs felt shaky and barely able to support my weight. But Siggi was far from done. He grinned as he watched me struggle to recover my balance, like this was the best thing he had ever seen.

“My biological father is in prison right now,” Siggi said while he pulled his hairband slowly down his long ponytail. “He’s paying for making the life of his only child a living hell for fifteen years. For poisoning me on purpose so he could leave me stuck in a hospital while he enjoyed his holiday abroad. For beating me up whenever he felt like it because he knew I was too weak to fight back. For leaving scars that can’t be seen, but that make me really, really, really messed up.” Siggi grinned again, and lifted his hair out of the way to show me the faint remains of a scar on the back of his head. “He banged my head against the wall until I bled, all the while shouting that I should die already because it would make everyone’s life easier. That was the last thing he said to me before I ran out of his house, by the way. That’s fatherly love for you.” He turned to face me again. His grin was still there, twisted by hatred and sorrow and by those invisible scars that were all over him. Siggi showed me the back of his left hand next, with his fingers stretched upwards. They bent slightly in different directions and appeared somewhat swollen at the knuckles. “He dislocated them. One by one, until I lost my voice screaming. He made sure I understood how much he hated my cello playing, and how much I sucked at it.”

Siggi’s gaze faltered for a moment. His grin collapsed. Did the memories get the better of him? Was the pain of his scars flaring up all at once inside him? Siggi tried to look intimidating again, but couldn’t. Not when he looked like he was as afraid of me as he wanted me to be of him.

I lunged forward. My arms reached under his ribcage, enveloping his body with twice the force I planned. Our first hug shouldn’t have come out of despair and sorrow, of me trying to console him the only way I knew. Siggi’s body was even thinner than I imagined. He froze at the unexpected body contact. Did I break him? He wasn’t breathing. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into his shirt. My eyes stung. “I’m sorry for all the things you went through. I’m sorry I can’t change any of it. I’m sorry you hate me even though I don’t know why.”

This finally snapped Siggi out of his shock. He dug his hands into my arms and tried to pry me away, but I barely felt the pressure to move. I stepped away though, because Siggi made it clear he didn’t want to be hugged. We stood like that, looking away from each other without daring to say a word, for longer than it should’ve been possible. I rubbed my arms where Siggi had held on to me, not because his desperate grip hurt, but because I barely felt it.

I couldn’t stand the silence. “Why do you hate me?”

“No reason. I hate your entire existence.”

“How can that be? What did I ever do to you?”

“Like I said: you exist.”

I looked at Siggi. He still had his back to me, with his hair now gently flowing down his body and reaching a certain area under his waist I dared not look at too closely. As far as I could tell, he was staring at the kitchen door at the end of the corridor. His body was rigid, standing fully upright with his hands closed into fists.

“But why does my existence bother you so much?” Was he saying this just to hurt me because I stepped over his boundaries with the hug? If so, his strategy was working.

“Because I’m the only person who still seems to have some common sense left in this world. Which is ridiculous because… me?” He laughed humourlessly. I thought it wasn’t going to last, but Siggi kept laughing, getting louder the longer it went. It was filled with such self-hatred and self-deprecation that it hurt to hear it. Did my hug break him? What should I do?

Thankfully, Siggi’s laughter eventually got loud enough to grab the attention of the people in the living room. Karen, Gísli, and Jó wandered into the corridor, looking as shocked as I was from seeing Siggi’s state.

“What’s going on here?” Jó asked. Karen and Gísli didn’t hesitate to run straight to Siggi to try calming him down, though Siggi ignored them.

“Where’s Eiri?”

Jó squeezed himself against the wall to reach my end of the corridor. We watched as Gísli got on his tiptoes to whisper in Siggi’s ear until his empty, icy laughter changed to sharp intakes of breath. Neither of us could take our eyes off the scene, so Jó only answered when the situation seemed more under control, with Karen and Gísli asking a shaky and pale, but otherwise responsive, Siggi what had happened.

Jó whispered his answer to me, trying not to get in the way of Karen’s one-sided attempt at conversation with Siggi. “Eiri went home around midnight, leaving you behind because of his work tomorrow morning. But I couldn’t bear not knowing what was happening with you and Dmitri, so I left him sleeping and came to see if you would need anything when you were done.”

“Thanks, Jó.” I whispered too. “Dmitri is ok now. He asked me to come so I could─”

“That kid has no idea what he’s doing!” Siggi turned his attention to me again. He took a step towards me, and Jó immediately shielded me with his body. “He seems to think he can cope with having Dmitri for a boyfriend! He heard the fucked up shit Dmitri got himself into, and the fucked up shit he’s going to get himself into if their relationship continues the way it is, but he refuses to do the right thing and leave us alone!” Siggi stared at Jó, taller than me but still much shorter than him, and shook his head dismissively. “What now? Are you going to play his bodyguard? No wonder he’s still such a kid if people flock to his defence like he’s made of cheap glass. If you won’t let him defend himself, you’re just proving my point that he’s not ready for the responsibilities you insist on giving him.”

“How do you know I’m not ready?” I stepped out of Jó’s shadow, if only to show Siggi that I could take care of the situation on my own. Gísli grabbed Siggi’s sleeve, but Siggi swatted it away. Karen looked on with narrowed eyes and pursed lips. This conversation should’ve been between Siggi and me, but now that everybody else was involved… “Dmitri told me he was glad I was there comforting him. He’s feeling better already. He was happy to have me with him. He said I was being a good boyfriend.”

“Yeah, because we all know how good Dmitri’s judgement is!”

“You talk like yours is much better.”

Where did that come from? What was I saying? Siggi’s face went purple. He roared in rage and flung himself at me. Karen and Gísli were too stunned to stop him. The next thing I knew, Jó was between us again, this time with his finger right at Siggi’s face and with all the rage of a sleeping volcano returning to life.

“Back off now, or I’ll make you regret it!” Jó snarled between his teeth. Even I felt like hiding under the stairs. “I’ve had enough of you mistreating Gunni! Who do you think you are? You’ve done nothing but insult him since the first time you met!” Jó stepped forward, but Siggi didn’t move. His eyes had changed, like he was no longer seeing Jó despite staring straight at him. “What is wrong with you? What kind of psycho are you that you can’t learn even the most basic manners? If I ever hear of you hurting Gunni again, I’ll─”

“Stop it!”

All our eyes turned to see Dmitri running down the staircase two steps at a time. Nobody moved as he approached Siggi, signalling that Jó should back away. My cousin did so, if only because he seemed too stunned to do anything else. Siggi’s only reaction to Dmitri’s approach was that his legs began to shake. Moments later his body fell limply on my boyfriend, though his eyes never left Jó. Karen and Gísli approached too, though they didn’t touch Siggi.

“Jónas, please leave. Go to the music room. Take Gunni with you.” Dmitri had no trouble shifting Siggi’s body in a way that made it easier to carry him despite their difference in height. “We’ll talk soon.”

Dmitri took Siggi into the living room, with Karen and Gísli at his heels. Jó turned to me. “What just happened?”

“I think I know…” I motioned for us to go into the music room. There, Siggi’s cello rested sideways on the floor next to his chair, with his bow balanced on top of it. Siggi usually left his cello like this when we took small breaks during rehearsals. The bow seemed to be fully tensed too, instead of properly loosened up as it should be at the end of practice.

“What just happened?” Jó asked again. “Why was your boyfriend being such a knight in shining armour to the guy who was a sadistic monster to you?”

“I think… I think it was something you did. I think you brought some of Siggi’s bad memories back.” Like that time when Arnar was being our conductor and Siggi reacted in a similar way to Gummi shouting at him.

“He was hurting you. What else could I do?” Jó shrugged. He didn’t seem worried about Siggi at all. “I’m not going to sit by and watch my family get hurt. I don’t care if it’s your crush, your boyfriend, or the president! I won’t let anyone get away with that!”

As much as I wanted to feel grateful for Jó’s heartfelt (if a little overbearing) commitment, I couldn’t get Siggi’s haunted eyes out of my mind. He looked like he was gazing into another world, at something evil and scary manifesting in front of him that he was powerless to shoo away.

I couldn’t say anything to my cousin after that. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, or censor his attitude. Jó wasn’t there when Siggi showed me his scars and made my heart bleed from the abuse of a man who shouldn’t have been his father. I wasn’t angry at Siggi. I couldn’t be. Siggi needed love, not hatred. If anything, I felt like I wanted to give Siggi all the love he didn’t get while he was growing up.

We didn’t have to wait long for Dmitri to come into the music room and crush me into another hug. “How are you? Was Siggi nasty to you?”

Jó answered before I could unbury my face from Dmitri’s shirt. “Yes. He insulted both of you, actually. How can you be so quick to jump to his defence like that?”

Dmitri ignored Jó’s question. His attention was focused only on me, in tidying every loose strand of my hair, in making sure my shirt looked right, and in staring at my face like the answer to his question could be spelled by the shape of my freckles. He stared at me until I was too uncomfortable to keep quiet. “How’s Siggi?”

“He’ll recover. Jónas put him in a very bad place mentally, but he’s getting out of it now. Actually, come here…” Dmitri took my hand and pulled me back to the corridor. The door to the living room was open enough to let me see Siggi sitting on the couch next to Gísli, while Karen crouched in front of him with a mug. “I think it isn’t safe for him if you and your cousin stick around.” Dmitri hugged me again, though he twisted his body just so I could continue to look at Siggi in the living room. He had taken Karen’s mug, but didn’t seem inclined to drink from it.

“I understand. It’s getting late anyway, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”

Siggi probably heard my voice, because he lifted his head and tried to make the same angry face as before. But he couldn’t muster the same intensity of emotions. His eyes were tired, downcast, and the rest of his face didn’t change at all.

“About that…” Dmitri caressed my hair. I was still looking at Siggi, so I couldn’t tell if he was aware that Siggi was staring at us. “Do you think I could spend the night with you? I don’t feel like I can be away from you yet.”

For the first time, I saw my own emotions reflected in Siggi’s expression. Even his weariness couldn’t downplay his shock. And his attempt to get up from the couch, only to fall straight back on it, mirrored my weariness and hesitation too.

“But what about Siggi? You came to help him get away from Jó, and now you’ll leave him here? That’s not like you.”

“I…” Dmitri bit his lip. He turned towards Siggi too, and his face hardened. “You’re right. Siggi needs me. I can survive without you, even if that loud voice in my head is screaming that I shouldn’t let you go ever again. But Siggi is going to have a rough night. He’s going to need his best friend watching over him.”

“He will. Please stay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Dmitri nodded and pulled my body close to his again. He didn’t let go for a long time, holding me with the urgency and desperation of someone who is giving a final goodbye. It was so intense that I felt suffocated during most of it. It didn’t help that I could see Siggi and the way his face changed from shock to disgust the longer his best friend kept holding me.

Dmitri took Jó and me to the front door. He sent Jó a vague goodbye and gave me another desperately long hug, followed by a kiss that seemed to beg me to stay. He didn’t say anything else, but a solitary tear escaped his eye as he closed the door on us.