The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 6. Campfire Songs

I couldn’t help but be quiet as I drove Blake and my Dad home. I just kept working Ryder out in my mind. The way he just sat there after that show, empty and emotionless…just burnt out. Is it healthy for him to be doing that? I mean, sure I leave it all out there for lacrosse, but I don’t think I’ve ever been that empty. It was as though he gave that crowd his own soul. As though he was sacrificing parts of himself just to keep the crowd going.

“Everything alright Teddy?” My Dad poked as Blake walked up the path to his house.

I lightly shrugged my shoulders and began to pull away “Is the way Ryder acted normal for musicians after a concert?”

“It depends.” My Dad lightly laughed “They’re going to be exhausted no matter what, but he definitely showed a different side of performing that people don’t like to talk about. It takes a special type of bravery to let your emotions out the way he did, to open up about mental illness.” My Dad forced a smile as he saw concern grow on my face “The good news is he needed to get that all out. It’s like therapy to him; you could see the relief in his eyes, even if he was exhausted.”

“But…but what if there comes a day he can’t get it out?” I forced, nervously biting on my lip.

“That’s why he has you and Blake” My Dad comforted as we pulled up the driveway and into the garage “There will come times where music doesn’t fix it all, especially if he was talking about himself with mental illness…but you’re a smart kid, when the time comes you’ll know what to do.”

I nodded my head and let out a deep breath “I’m worried Uncle Martin is going to push him too hard.” I confessed “What if he does become famous and loses control of himself? What if he starts doing drugs and overdoses? What if…”

“Teddy…” My dad reached out, wrapping his arm around me “You can say what ifs until your face turns blue, the rock and roll life style can be dangerous, especially when you’re living in a van on tours…but if he has you with him, if he knows all he has to do is shoot you a text and you’ll be there…trust me, there’s no drug in the world that compares to love.”

“Dad I already said I don’t like him like that.” I blushed with a nervous shrug.

“What we say and what we feel are two different things sometimes.” My dad laughed, climbing out of the car “I had the same problem with your mother. She refused to date me at first. She insisted I was headed nowhere, she said I was going to wind up dead in a ditch…but over time she realized that if you let fear rule your life, if you’re too scared to go after what you really want…then you’ll never be truly happy.” I nodded, and headed upstairs eager to learn more.

“Mom” I let out, walking into their bedroom “Are you happy with Dad?”

She let out a sudden laughed, before pulling me over and fixing me hair “He drives me absolutely crazy 99% of the day. He almost never stops yelling. He’s constantly trying to get you to break rules. He lets you drink beer when I’m not home. He likes music a little too much for it to be healthy.” She shook as she rattled off different things about him “It’s like having 2 kids in the house…but at the end of the day I wouldn’t want it any other way. Whenever I’m stressed I know he can calm me down. I know that when I need him he’s always there for me to rest on.” She rested her hand against my face “We’re not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and early on we fought a lot…hell we still do…but they’re fights worth having…they’re fights to keep our love burning. Even on our worst nights, there’s no one I’d rather spend my life with.”

“Do you think I’ll find that?” I gently poked, looking into her dark eyes.

“I truly hope so” She nodded “All I can say is that the love you put into the world is the love you’ll get back. It might not always seem like it, but one day it’ll all make sense to you.” A smile crossed her face as she saw one begin to grow on mine “Why’d you ask?”

I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a hug “I was just wondering. Love you mom.”

“Love you too honey” she dismissed, as I began to head towards the door.

I can’t say it enough…I’m beyond lucky to have them as parents. They’re crazy, embarrassing and loud…but they’ve never hesitated to support me. A lot of parents think they need to push their kids for them to succeed, but mine have shown that as long as you fuel your kid with enough love and support…well…they’ll find their way. Then again my Mom is pretty hard on me about grades, but it’s only because she sees the potential I have…that my gifts are in the classroom and not on a stage.

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Sunday couldn’t seem to come fast enough. I really didn’t know what I was more excited for. To get to see my uncles, aunts and cousins, or to get to spend the day with Ryder. I mean it’s not like these things ever get too crazy. All my cousins are in their mid to late 20s by now, hell, some are even close to my dad’s age! I guess that’s the price he pays for being the youngest in his family. However there’s one thing that runs through all of them…they love music! There’s no doubt that at some point my dad will run in and grab one of his guitars, guaranteeing a huge singing circle…I just hope it’s not too much for Ryder!

As my family began to show up my nerves began to calm. It was nice to see all of them; I mean they don’t really live far or anything, but everyone gets so damn busy…we just don’t spend as much time together as we used to. There was some goofing around and catching up before a nervous figure showed up in the gate opening.

“Excuse me” I interrupted one of my cousins, as I stood up and wandered towards the figure “Look who actually showed up.”

“Yeah” he nervously nodded “I ugh…I didn’t know what to bring, so I brought some chips.” He let out holding up a small bag.

“You didn’t have to bring anything but yourself” I teased “But thanks” I smiled looking him over. It was clear he had tried to dress nicely, but had no idea how. His skinny jeans turned to distressed ones, as his normal band shirts turned into a light grey sweater with thin black stripes. He swapped out the normal black circles he wore in his pierced ears to white ones. They were the type that looked like gauges without actually being gauges. His hair was styled as it typically was. Having a green streak across the front would look weird in most people’s hair, but Ryder’s has always had a nice style about it. His hair was actually the nicest looking thing about him. “Someone’s all dressed up.” I couldn’t help but giggle.

“This is the best I could do” he nervously confessed “It’s better than you Friday night.”

“What?” I laughed as our eyes connected “I borrowed clothes from Blake!”

“Okay but you still managed to fit a rainbow into it.” He recalled, applying some playful pressure to me.

“Hey Blake said it was cool. He brought it to support the pulse victims, and it was a black shirt…it just had the pride flag over a band logo in the middle.” I argued with a proud smile “It was like Sharkteeth or something.”

“Beartooth” he corrected in a deep sigh “I have the same shirt somewhere in my room…but…just…I want to see you try and dress in dark clothes at least once.”

“Why’s that?” I pressured with a growing smile. He nervously shrugged refusing to give me the answer “Alright then one day I want to see you dressed preppy, and not wearing earrings.” I decided, as I saw a few family members peer over to us.

“Never happening” he quickly shut down “This is the closest you’ll get to light colors from me, and as for my earrings…you’re never going to see me without them.”

“Alright then no dark colors from me” I teased, nudging him with my elbow. “Come on…” I instructed “You have people to meet” I led him closer to the house by the small portable fire pit we set up whenever we have “mature” company over “Hey guys this is my friend Ryder…Ryder this is, well…everyone.” I laughed at the small group of people sitting around.

A few of them waived as my Dad stood up to give him a proper hello “I didn’t know if you were going to show.” My Dad laughed, giving him a friendly pat on the back “Well make yourself at home, there’s food on the table over there, beer in the cooler…Just don’t let my wife catch you or Teddy with it.” He teased, looking over to her “Hey Martin!” My Dad called out, jumping from moment to moment “You’ve gotta talk to this kid when you get this chance. He will be a big signing for a label one day.”

“Oh yeah?” one of my cousins called out “What type of music?”

“Anything Rock.” Ryder answered, trying his best to not seem as nervous as he actually was.

“You really had to ask?” One of my other cousins teased, as Ryder braced, expecting to be made fun of.

“He could’ve just been a hipster” the first cousin responded “You used to dress like that and you hate rock.”

“That’s true.” He shrugged, taking a closer look at Ryder “What brand are those jeans?”

“Drop dead” Ryder nervously spoke up, trying to figure out if he was being mocked or not.

“Dude don’t even think about ordering a pair for yourself, this kid has the style to rock them but you would just look…” One of my other cousins jumped in as they droned on.

I nudged Ryder with my elbow and smiled “They’re not making fun of you, don’t worry.” He quickly nodded his head, listening as they fought about what they could and couldn’t wear.

“Let me ask you kid…” My uncle began, as we took seats in two open lawn chairs “Why are you getting into music?”

“I just need to.” Ryder shrugged, too shy to answer the question.

“Define need to.” My uncle pushed, giving Ryder a skeptical look.

“My brain just won’t let me stop.” Ryder shook “It just…it won’t stop…” Ryder looked to me not sure if he should say more. I gave him an encouraging nod, knowing he was giving the right answers “It’s always obsessing over what my next song should be…or uhm…what I need to sound like next…there are always like lyrics popping in my head so I have to keep this on me…” he explained pulling a small notebook out of his pocket “to write them down before I forget them.” He shrugged his shoulders not sure what to say next “I’m just obsessed with it. It feels like if I didn’t write or sing in some way…my brain would just explode.” He shook, sliding the notebook back into his pocket.

“So you write everything yourself?” My Uncle pressured, giving him an interested look.

“Yeah” he quickly nodded “I write all the lyrics for my band, and uhm most of the guitar work…I’m not all that good at drumming so our drummer always improves it but I ugh…yeah if my band is playing original songs they’re usually by me.” He nervously scratched his head, worried he was coming off as cocky “It’s not that they’re bad musicians…I just don’t like to let people in on my writing process, it just feels too…personal.”

My uncle softly nodded his head, and took a good look at the kid in front of him “So aside from the drums, you’d fight with them if they tried to change lyrics or other pieces you wrote?”

“I mean fight’s a strong word” Ryder swayed “I…I don’t really fight with people on much, but…yeah I guess so…no one touches the lyrics I write.” He decided with a confident nod.

My uncle let out a big laugh causing Ryder’s face to turn a bright shade of red “Well Harry, he’s got the attitude of a strong writer, that’s for damn sure!” My uncle laughed a bit more before turning to Ryder “Don’t be embarrassed kid. The Beatles fought so much when writing Let It be and Abbey Road that they kept breaking up. James and Lars of Metallica nearly murder one another whenever they sit down to write an album! There’s a lot missing in today’s music, and a large party of that is because no one wants to fight for their lyrics anymore.” My Uncle explained with a smile “We’ll get our guitars and all that later, but I can tell you right now I have a band that needs a singer. I just need you to show me what you got.” My uncle nodded, getting up to go hangout with my Dad.

“Are you okay with leaving Society?” I poked, looking back to a quiet Ryder.

“Yeah” he exhaled in a low voice “They’re just not guys I’d want to be around if I got big.” He shrugged, calming down now that it was just me and him “Has your uncle worked with any big bands?”

“I think so” I let out thinking about it “No one really huge, but I’m pretty sure he worked with My Chemical Romance when they were around, and some newer bands I wouldn’t know the names of.” Ryder did his best to hide the excitement he was starting to feel but every now and again I could see it flash in his eyes “So where were you yesterday?” I teased, changing to subject to keep him from getting overexcited or nervous “I was trying to text you all day. Are you too cool for me?” I laughed, bucking shoulders with him.

“I slept all day” he shook, meeting my shoulder with his own “I just…after shows like Friday…I need time to recover.”

I softly nodded and looked to him, desperately looking for the courage to ask him the question that had been on my mind since that night “So like…” I began with a gulp “When you spoke about mental illness…do you…” I trailed off not even knowing if it was okay to ask. He grew silent, thinking over his next few words. I could tell he was debating whether he could trust me enough to tell me or not “You don’t have to answer if you…”

“I have persistent depressive disorder” he quietly exhaled “It’s not that big of a deal…it’s just something I have to battle every now and then.”

“Oh…” I let out, not knowing what to say “I…can…can I help you?”

He looked at me, not sure if I was being serious or joking. I could see the gears start to turn in his mind “No” he softly laughed “Sometimes I just need to work through it…well…I don’t know…you help without knowing it.”

“How’s that?” I poked, giving him a curious look.

“Just…when…you know” he shrugged too shy to actually tell me the answer, but I shook my head not really understanding “Like…even just seeing that you or Blake texted me, even if I’m too depressed to answer…it’s just nice to know people are thinking about me.” He sheepishly laughed “That probably sounds really stupid…I…”

“No it doesn’t” I interrupted with a calm smile “I thought you weren’t answering because I was annoying you” I shrugged, forcing eye contact with him “I…I’ll keep texting you then.” He nodded his head but quickly looked back to the ground, embarrassed by how much he had shared. I had to take a breath and pretend to stretch in order to resist the urge to hug him…baby steps Teddy…baby steps.

As we ate a few more of my cousins began to help Ryder feel at home. At first he was shaky, but before I knew it he was able to ease into it. One of them even had a few bands in common with him. When we finally finished eating and sat around the fire my Dad ran inside and grabbed his guitar. At first he was just messing around playing stupid songs to the group, until finally he got one of my cousins to sing. My Dad’s not a great guitar player by any means, but when I was little… well I couldn’t sleep without at least one song before bed.

“Ryder” My Dad offered holding the guitar over to him.

“Oh I don’t know maybe in a little…”

“Come on” I encouraged as he shyly shrugged.

“Alright Teddy will play something, then you.” My Dad decided with a quick nod of his head.

“Dad!” I exclaimed as the guitar was forced onto my lap.

“Teddy plays guitar?” Ryder gasped, as his eyes began to grow wide.

“No, I don’t I just…”

“I taught him myself.” My Dad proudly smiled “Nearly everyone here can” he explained as my cousins all nodded “Me and my brothers grew up in a very musical family.”

“I don’t know if ‘plays guitar’ is true. I only know like 3 songs” I exhaled, putting the guitar onto my knee. I took a deep breath and looked over to my oldest cousin “If I’m playing than Jordan is singing.” I decided, dragging someone into it with me.

“I don’t even know what song you’re going to play.” He argued, trying to weasel his way out of it

“Oh you will” I nodded as I began to lightly strum Blackbird by the Beatles “I know you know this.”

He rolled his eyes but began to sing along anyway. Every now and again I would mess up or have to restart a part of the song, but no one cared…it was a family barbeque…we were all just happy to be together.

“Alright” I nodded, as I finished up “Now it’s time for the real musician to play” I encouraged handing it to Ryder.

He nervously took the pick from my hand, but as our eyes connected I flashed him a smile, reassuring him it would be okay “I…uhm…what should I play?”

“Play something that means a lot to you.” My Dad encouraged “Those are always the best songs.”

“Okay” he nervously exhaled, starting to strum a familiar melody. It sounded like something I heard a long time ago…I just don’t remember where.

“So this is…ugh...Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd” he shakily announced. It’s funny he seemed more nervous singing to this small group of people than he did singing to the big crowd on Friday night. As his singing filled the air I couldn’t help but smile. His voice really was something special, and him singing acoustic…well it really showed off everything it held. Every now and again he would show off his range or some of the pure power he could generate if he really wanted to. For a second during one of the guitar parts he grew a bit misty eyed but quickly pushed it away, and acted like it didn’t happen. A few times during the song my Dad glanced to my Uncle and raised his eyebrows as if to say Is this kid something or what?

“Alright” he exhaled, playing the last few chords “So yeah…”

“Do you have something else you can play?” My Uncle pressured “I just need to hear a little more.”

“Ugh yeah…okay” Ryder nodded, thinking on what else he wanted to play “So uhm here’s something from another favorite band of mine…they’re not as big as Pink Floyd…but I think you’ll like it.” He explained beginning to strum a new song “This is Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon.” This time I saw Ryder escape into that place he goes when he plays concerts. His eyes switched from nervous to passionate as the stronger side of his voice began to break through the music. Slowly but surely his pain began to radiate through the lyrics and make their way through the family. I could tell they were taken back by the emotion that filled the air…it really was something special when Ryder sang. It’s as though you can’t ignore him…it’s like he pulls you into his world…he pulls you into his pain. My heart began to slowly sink in my chest as I paid attention to one of the lines he kept repeating. It was so dark, and lonely, almost as though he was close to giving up. When he finally made it to the next part of the song my head couldn’t help but play that on loop. If there were any lyrics to describe Ryder…well those are them. It’s no wonder he loves the music he does…they must reflect how much pain he’s in…they must.

“Well alright” then my Uncle shook “Alright then….uhm…woh” My Uncle stuttered, not actually expecting Ryder to leave him breathless “I haven’t heart a singer like this in a while…I uhm…where do you perform?”

“Shortways” he nodded, slowing returning to earth “I closeout on Fridays”

“I’ll bring by the band that needs a singer.” He shook once more “Just sing like you did…just damn…they’ll be shocked.”

He softly nodded and caught his breath “It’s retro night though, so I’ll be playing mostly stuff from the 80’s and 90’s…but I’ll manage to fit in something original tough.”

“Please do” My Uncle encouraged “But covers will still be a good way for them to understand your voice…I think you should definitely include Wish You Were Here…that was a song that really complimented your voice.”

“I don’t know” he exhaled as his nerves returned to him “That’s ugh…it’s a song I only play in small settings…my Dad used to sing it to me every night before bed.” He explained with some pain in his breath.

“I’m sure he’s very proud of the singer you’ve become” My Dad smiled before his brother could push Ryder any further.

“Yeah” Ryder let out, trying to mask the agony behind his last few words.

The rest of the night was spent goofing around the fire. Playing music, chasing one another, singing, screaming, howling into the night. I’ll give it to Ryder, it does feel good just to cut loose and play some music every now and then! When it was finally time for Ryder to leave my uncle slid him a business card, making sure to remind him he’d see him on Friday.

“Good night Hon” My Mom reached out, giving him a light hug. I could tell those lyrics from his second song stuck out to her just as much as they did to me “You’re always welcome here.”

“Thank you Mrs. Haner” he shyly let out forcing a smile.

“Oh please it’s Jill and Harry to you” My Dad corrected with a pat on his back “If you need help figuring out that retro lineup my door is always open.”

“Oh please!” My oldest Uncle called out “He’d be better off calling Martin, you were born in ’82 Harrison, the rest of us lived it!”

“Exactly! So my memory is a lot clearer” he argued with a proud grin “I’ve been listening to heavy metal and rock since the second I was born, you two had to wait for Dad to convince Mom it wouldn’t turn you into Satanists.”

“Okay! Okay!” I let out, ushering Ryder towards the gate “Let’s keep it together until he gets out of the gate please!”

“Aww we’re embarrassing Teddy” one of my cousins laughed “Hey Ryder want to hear about the time Teddy thought he was old enough to…”

“Nope!” I shouted, cutting him off as we finally reached the gate “Sorry about them, they’re a bit…”

“Don’t be” Ryder interrupted “I…it’s been a long time since I’ve been around a family like that…it was nice.”

“Oh yeah?” I gently poked “Your family doesn’t get together much?”

“It’s just me and my grandma” he confessed with a quick shake of his head “but that’s fine.” He lied covering up the paint that returned to his words.

I let it go, knowing I wanted to push him on something else tonight “So that second song you sang…the part that you kept repeating…is that…” I nervously began “How you feel?”

Ryder let his eyes fall as he opened his driver’s side door, and kept silent for a few seconds “Some people have to go through a lot of pain before they can know what it’s like to be happy” he exhaled, still not looking up “I…I’m learning to not be scared…but…I…”

“You’re doing a good job of it” I smiled, sparing him the pain of talking “2 weeks ago you wouldn’t even look at me without calling me names, but now look at us.”

He nodded his head and finally looked up “I didn’t think I’d ever be hanging out with Teddy Haner.”

“Well I’m glad you are” I blushed. As our eyes locked we both smiled, and bashfully looked away. “Alright so….goodnight, drive safe. I’ll see you Friday, or maybe sooner if you decide to come over. Oh and I have a lacrosse game Wednesday if you want to come to…” I began to ramble as I got distracted by his eyes

“Good night” he interrupted with a laugh “I’m glad I came too” he let out, before pulling away.

I stood in the street for a little bit longer, watching his car pull away. Brick by brick I’m dismantling that hard exterior of his…one of these days I’ll get him to open up. One of these days I’ll work my way into his heart…somehow, someway.