Twist of Fate - 12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

How do you explain to someone what you have been thinking or even feeling? How can you articulate into words to explain the feelings? Feelings are complex, confusing, a total mind fuck, if you will. I’m beginning to think that people in general have no idea how to express their feelings, except maybe in anger. Because in all honesty as I’m walking towards my class, my final class for today I couldn’t get Sasha out of my head.

At lunch today, I couldn’t bring myself to interact with my “friends”. All because I didn’t want the pity party. On the other hand though, Courtney only had to look at me to know what I was feeling, she knew, because I trusted her with a secret. My other so called friends, didn’t even stop long enough to wonder. I love my friends. They are the only ones that have been here for me since I started at this school.

I really have to think about, if they are really my friends or not. I have to sit down long enough to contemplate if I want them to continue to be. It’s kind of funny, I started this year off thinking that I could do this, I could be someone that everyone likes, I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about what others thought. However, as you can tell that didn’t go so well. Jason came back into my life, Courtney took on a bigger role of a friend, I was raped, and beaten. Yea, this year has been one for the books.

“Hey, whatcha thinking about mister?” Courtney strolled up to me, smiling

“Nothing… Nothing really.” I smile back at her

“Aiden, please. I know you too damn well.” She huffs

“Fine,” I look to her, and look forward. “I’m thinking about our friends. And how not once did they ask me where I was. Not once did they stop long enough to wonder. I’m thinking about how this year was supposed to be different. Actually, come to think of it, it is different. Last year, I didn’t have to worry about my friends knowing I am gay. I didn’t go to parties, and I certainly wouldn’t have been… you know.”

“Whoa! A lot of stuff is going through your head right now. Aiden, babe. You can’t let that get to you. As for our friends. They just choose not to see what’s going on around them. They choose to just exist in this world. Until they are shoved out into the real world, they will continue to be oblivious to everything around them.” Court says as she wraps her arm around my side. And I throw my arm over her shoulders.

“Thanks Court. Want to maybe get some ice cream? I don’t want to go home just yet.”

“Yea, that sounds good, I haven’t had blondies in forever.”

I open my car door for her, and let her get settled before going around to my side. That’s what a proper gentleman is supposed to do after all. Once the car is started, my radio blares out some pop song; I reach out and mute the fucker. Shaking my head, I look to Courtney to see her trying her hardest not to laugh.

“So you’re listening to pop now? What happened to heavy metal?” She asks

“I listen to almost everything; heavy metal is my favorite though. You should look through my phone; about seventy five percent of my songs on there are of that genera.”

“I would believe you too. Not trying to change the subject, but changing the subject. How are you holding up? Is everything alright at home?” She asks, while she fiddles with her fingers.

“Things are as they should be. Dad isn’t talking to me, mom doesn’t know what to say. My siblings don’t know about what happened. The rents wanted to keep that way. Court, I just don’t know. Before… Before this all happened, our family was already beginning to spend less time together. Now, with this happening, ah! My parents don’t want to even talk about it.” I sighed

“Damn, what a fucked up thing to do. Your parents should want to talk about it. IF they don’t, then they should suggest a therapist,” I look at her like she’s lost her mind, “OH don’t give me that look, it might be good for you.”

“A therapist? Really? No, no, fucking way am I going to spilling my secrets to a nut job in a white coat. They will most likely give me drugs to help me cope with it. I’m sorry, I think I’m doing just fine. I have you and Jason. You guys are my people. That’s all I really need.”

“If that’s what you want. So be it!” She huffs. Taking out her phone and doing whatever.

“Don’t be like that. If I really need one I will go see one, even if I don’t really want to.” I say as I pull up to the ice cream place.

“That’s all I’m asking hun. I love you, and I will support you through anything, but I don’t know how good I will be at helping you with this.” She says, as she opens the door for me.

“Thanks. And by the way, you are helping me… You’re distracting me from thinking about it. I can’t really remember most of what happened anyway, isn’t that a good thing?”

“No, honestly, because one day out of the blue, you’re going to flip the fuck out, and I wouldn’t know how to handle that. Do you really want to put me through that, or yourself for that matter?”

“I guess you have a point. I’ll bring it up with the rents and suggest I start to see one. Only temporarily though.”

“That’s all I’m asking…”

*****

After dropping off Courtney, I made my way home. It wasn’t surprising really to find both my parents cars in the driveway and my brothers car parked along the curb. I parked behind him and went up to the door. With a shaky breath I opened the door to find the house quiet. Too quiet, especially when there is four other people in the house. Rounding the corner, I find them all in the living room talking quietly. It looked like a intervention type thing was about to go down. Slowly backing away before anyone saw me, “Hold it, mister. We have to talk.” My mother says. Dammit, I thought I was going to get away with it.

“I don’t want to talk. I’m all talked out for today. Can we make it for a different day?” I pleaded

“No, because we will never get a chance again to discuss this as a family.” My mother says

“Fine. But I don’t like being ganged up on.” That brought back a strange feeling. Holding onto the wall. I breathed through the strange feeling. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t have to be scared to say what I want. But those bastards stole that from me. Usually I wouldn’t have freaked out when I say something like that.

“Aiden? Are you okay?” Nodding my head, but truly I wasn’t. The feeling was getting stronger. My body started to shake, and a cold sweat broke out on my skin. Everything seemed to be going slow and the room started to tilt alittle.

“Samuel!” My mothers voice broke through, but my vision is blurred

“I got you son.” My father says

He must have caught me before I hit the floor. Because I awoke with a blanket thrown over me and a very cold cloth on my forehead. Struggling into a sitting position, I take the cloth and look around the room. My room, how did I get here?

“I don’t know what to do Sam, we haven’t had to deal with this when growing up, I didn’t know anyone that suffered like Aiden is. I just don’t know what to do to help him…”

“Mary, we will get through this, if Aiden wants to see someone than he can but I don’t want it to get out that we are having family issues.” You see my dad is always going on and on about family. And how perfect we should be. The all American family. The image is what he doesn’t want destroyed. I say fuck it! Fuck the family image. They don’t know what’s going through my head, how I wish that I could do something that makes it go away. Just for a little bit.

“Oh, you’re awake. You has us all worried sick.” My mother says, when she spotted me awake.

“I heard you…” I said just above a whisper

“You heard what dear?”

“That you don’t know how to help me, and how dad doesn’t want the family image destroyed by this….” I paused, I didn’t want my parents to find out like this, I never would have imagined that I would be telling them this, I wanted to wait until I had all my ducks in a row. Just in case something didn’t go as planned. “I’m sorry Dad, but I’m gay. I’ve been gay all my life. I know you’ll think this is a way for me to get back at you, but it’s not.” Tears were dripping down my face as I spoke.

“How can you know what you are so early, son? You’re only 16… You cannot possibly know.” He starts out, “And furthermore, I don’t want you to tell anyone. Not a soul! Do you hear me, Aiden? No one is to find out about this, this abomination.” He finishes by almost yelling at me from across the room.

“Now hold on there Sam. It’s not Aiden’s fault. It’s no one fault. Let’s take a breather and come back to this when we have all settled down.” My mother tries to calm him down but the angry look upon his face didn’t leave.

“No, I’ve worked way too hard for him to mess up it now. He is not allowed to act upon his desires or see what’s his name anymore.” He angrily spat.

“You can’t be serious? I love Jason..”

“You do not get to say those words about another guy Aiden. Not in this house!” My father punches a wall. Breaking the plaster and dry wall. Leaving a big hole there. After he done that, he looked at my mother, and then at me. He leaves my room, in a somewhat somber mood.

“Don’t listen to him, Aiden. He will come around…” She spoke as if she didn’t believe the words either. What am I supposed to do now that they know?

“Am I safe in this house?” I asked

“How can you say that? Of course you’re safe in this house Aiden. This is your home!”

“It might be my home mother, but it doesn’t feel like it most times. Just a place that I lived in for the past four years.”

“I’m telling you this, if your father cannot accept that you are what you are then, we will all have some difficult times ahead of us.” She kisses my head and walks out the room.

What does she mean by difficult times ahead if my father doesn’t accept me? Does that mean they will get a divorce? That my family will be divided because I chose to tell them about me?