Liam's story - 7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The last few weeks of school passed by torturously slow. I operated on auto pilot, thankfully sports were done for the year and I didn’t have to try and fake it through them. My parents seemed worried about me, my dad especially. He was often trying to get me to talk to him, he was never pushy but he did make sure I knew he was available, it made me feel worse. He had enough to deal with and didn’t need all of my problems on top of everything else.

Graduation was only a few days away, mom was upset that I had decided not to go to either my graduation ceremony or dance. As far as I was concerned they could mail me my diploma and I didn’t much feel like dancing or being social. I hadn’t really been social since the barbeque, I had tried and it had come back to bite me, or at least that’s what I told myself. Truthfully, looking back I’m sure I was in a little bit of a depression. I had little interest in anything, its a miracle I kept my grades up. I spent a lot of time alone in my room. I listened to sad music, angry music, and a lot of silence. I spent much of my time being sad, and feeling lonely. When I wasn’t doing that I would often lay in bed and stare blankly at the ceiling.

I probably wouldn’t have eaten much if Mom didn’t insist on me coming downstairs every night at supper and sitting at the table with her and Dad. It was actually at one of those suppers that my parents ambushed me. At least that’s what if felt like. They were quieter than usual, the last couple weeks they had been trying their best to talk to me and get more than one or two word answers from me, but tonight they didn’t even seem to try conversing with me through supper. Until it was finished.

“May I be excused?” I asked as grabbed my plate and stood to leave.

“No, honey. Could you sit back down please? Your father and I want to talk to you about something,” My mom replied. I sat down but didn’t speak.

“Your mom and I have been talking and we’re worried about you. You haven’t been yourself lately. At first we thought it was the stress from Josh’s death. We know you two were close, but even then you just seemed sad, but were working through it. Lately it seems as though you’ve given up, and that scares us. We would like you to go and see someone. We understand that you might not want to talk to us, but we think you should talk to someone.”

I kept my head down to avoid making any eye contact. “I’m not crazy. I don’t need to see a shrink.”

“Liam, look at me please.” Dad asked. I slowly lifted my head to meet his eyes, they were teary as he spoke. “I’m not saying that you’re crazy, Just that you might need a little help. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help every now and then. We lost Josh to depression, the thought of anything happening to you as well kills me.”

“I’m not suicidal.”

“I never said you were, but you definitely seem depressed. We can’t force you to go but we would really like you to think about it.”

“I’ll think about it, may I be excused now please?” Mom rested her hand on mine and looked at me for a minute before allowing me to leave the table.

I took myself back up to my room a laid down on my bed. My parents were right, something had to change. I didn’t think I needed therapy, but I did need to do something. I Decided I would stop feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow. For tonight I was content to lay on my bed and be miserable, I eventually fell into a less than restful sleep. I awoke early the next day. This was the day I was going to stop being miserable. I was going to go back and be the old Liam.

I went downstairs for a quick coffee before heading out the door for a run. Running always cleared my head. I was on the track and field team in the long distance races. I also usually ran at least one marathon a year, something I had been doing since age 13. I ran about 3 miles before I turned around and headed home. By the time I got there my parents were up and having breakfast. I made myself a smoothie and went to join them. They seemed surprised by my appearance at the breakfast table.

“Morning sweetie, you’re up early this morning.” My mom, likes to point out the obvious.

“Yeah, thought I’d go for a run. I feel so out of shape, I only did 6 miles and I’m feeling it.”

My dad chuckled, “Only 6 miles? I’d have a heart attack if I tried to walk half of that.”

“Well, we should work on your endurance then. You should start running with me in the mornings.”

“Oh, you know I would son, but I’m going back to work on Monday. So unfortunately I just won’t be able to.” Dad replied smiling, grateful to be off the hook, I’m sure. Both Mom and Dad had been off work since Josh died, Mom was a kindergarten teacher so I assumed she would go back to work in September when the school year started up again, but I hadn’t thought about dad. He was the service manager at the local car dealership here in town.

“Hmm, well thats awesome dad.” I replied genuinely meaning it. I excused myself and headed upstairs for a shower. I also sent Toby a text. I decided I would just talk to him. Have an awkward conversation with him, try to tell him how I feel. Let him reject me, then use the summer to move on. Hopefully he didn’t plan on spending much time at his parents house this summer since I wound be there babysitting his little brother. Realistically it shouldn’t be a problem, I’m watching Carter 8:30-4:30 Tuesday through Thursday and the occasional Monday or Friday when Mrs. Bennett wanted to run errands, meet her friends, or head to Branston. Toby works long days through out the week so I probably wouldn’t run in him. That, and I think he’s planning on spending most of his summer staying in his apartment in Branston. Probably with that Brunette, who ever she is.

Me: Hey Toby, can we meet sometime today or tomorrow. Its important.

By the time I go out the shower there was a response.

Toby: Yeah, sure. What do you have in mind?

Me: um, if you’re free today, meet at devils pasture at noon.

Toby: sure, want me to pick you up?

Me: No, I’ll use my moms car and meet you there.

Toby: ok see ya

There was no way I was going to let Toby drive me there, then be stuck in a car with him for an awkward ride home. Now I just had to kill 3 hours before leaving to meet Toby. I cleaned my room, washed my sheets and remade my bed. I even alphabetized my DVD’s before it was time to leave. I was a nervous wreck the whole drive down to devils pasture, I seriously considered turning around and texting Toby to cancel more than once. But I didn’t. I manned up and kept on course.

I arrived about 5 minutes before Toby did, he pulled up next to my car and got out to meet me. He looked amazing as always. To be honest I was kind of surprised that he came, he had seemed so focused on avoiding me the last little while. We exchanged usual pleasantries for a few minutes before Toby asked what was up.

“So, whats going on man? Why did you wanna meet?” Toby asked.

“Well, I’m just gonna be honest here, its a lot and you might not like what I have to say and thats okay, but I’d appreciate it if you could just hear me out and listen before you respond.” I rambled back. I’m doing this. I’m really freaking doing this. Fuck.

“Okay, man. I’m listening.”

I still can’t believe I didn’t chicken out. I wanted to run back to my car and drive away as fast as I could and pretend this never happened. This was a bad Idea, but I’m in too deep now. I was collecting my thoughts, steeling my self up for this, I must have been taking too long. Toby looked a little concerned at me.

“You okay Liam? You look a little pale.” Toby commented. It was now or never.

“No, I’m not okay. I have to tell you something, and I don’t think you will like it and I’m really fucking scared and nervous right now.” He looked directly into my eyes before replying.

“It will be okay. What ever it is.”

“Yeah, sure. Well here goes, I guess. I have been having a really hard time lately. At first it was all about Josh’s death, and I’m still kind of shook up about that, but it more than that. When he died you were there. You were there for me in ways no one else was and I am so grateful for that. But somewhere along the way I started to get feelings for you. Okay that’s not 100% true. I’ve liked you for a long time. But recently its felt like more. I even started thinking that maybe you liked me too. We were getting so close and I don’t know, I misread your friendship. Then you started avoiding me and that hurt but I was dealing with it.”

Toby opened his mouth to speak but I stopped him. “No, please let me finish. Please?” He just nodded.

“You started avoiding me after I spent the night at you house. Like I said, it sucked but I was dealing with it, but then you showed up to your parents barbeque with that brunette. And that really got to me, which is stupid because we were never anything, You were just a stupid crush, and I’m telling you this now because I need to move on. And I need to stop torturing myself with thoughts that maybe you do like me the same way I like you. And to do that I need to not be around you. I feel pretty stupid right now, but whatever. Thats what I had to say.”

I could no longer look at Toby, I looked at my foot twisting in the grass, willing myself to keep my composure just a little bit longer.

“Liam, can you look at me please?” Toby asked softly.

I couldn’t speak. So I just shook my head, no. I heard him moving, and saw his feet walking closer to me. He stopped right in front of me. I still couldn’t look up at him. “Liam?” he gently prodded. I still couldn’t respond to him. He softy sighed before lifting my chin up to look at him.

I had expected to see disgust, hate, or anger when I saw his face. Instead his face was unreadable. He held my face up and just looked at me for a while before slightly leaning down and pressing his lips against mine.