Ian's Heart - 17. Chapter 17 - Ian

“Nope,” click, next channel. UGH!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Geez!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Hell no! My phone rang, it was Adam again, I rejected the call.

“Nope,” click , next channel. UGH! More drama.

“Nope,” click, next channel. What the…????? I tilted my head, my god it’s almost porn!

“Nope,” click, next channel. UGH! Another ridiculous cop show.

“Nope,” click, next channel. Gross! Nope moving on. My phone pinged a message from Adam, I deleted it without even reading any of it.

“Nope,” click, next channel. How can we have like 400 channels and nothing on!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Blagh! Comedy that’s not funny.

“Nope,” click, next channel. Paddy huffed and clucked his tongue from the other couch, staring daggers at me with his arms crossed.

“Nope,” click, next channel. UGH! Cooking Show

“No…” Paddy snatched the remote from my hand. I looked up at his angry face, he was standing over me with the remote in his hand.

“Six weeks Dad, six weeks. That’s how long we’ve been playing this game, every night the same thing. You ignore Adam’s texts and phone calls, you hog the remote and won’t settle for anything, and you’re always pissed off. Let’s go out to the movies, at least there you can’t change the freakin’ channel,” Paddy turned off the television putting the remote in his pocket and stormed around the couch to go to his room, “get dressed, this is ridiculous with you moping and channel surfing. They have ice-cream at the Cineplex, I’m going to call Grandpa and tell him to come out here.”

Reality slammed right into me, damn it! “Isn’t parenting supposed to go the other way? God, I’m a shit, poor Pat.” I mumbled sheepishly. I felt my eyes sting and fill with tears, my chest was so tight. I went into my room to get changed and sat on the bed to collect myself and calm down. I let the tears fall, I’ve been holding them in for so long. My folks had been checking in just about every day, they're worried I’m going to slip back into a depression again.

I slipped my phone out and called his Dad, “Hey Dad,”

“Is everything okay Ian?”

“No, Why does this have to be this way?”

Dad was quiet for a moment, “What do you mean, why does what have to be this way?”

“If Adam had told me the truth from the beginning, we’d probably still be together. If I’d have known who he was, I could have helped him with Anna, this would not have to hurt so much. I feel so betrayed.” I sobbed.

“Ian, I think I should come down there,” Dad insisted.

“NO!” I shuddered, “I’ll be fine Dad, honest.”

“I’ll give you a little more leeway Ian, but you need to talk to somebody… and soon,” Dad was lost for words.

“I have to go, Dad, Paddy is waiting on me.”

“Okay, bye Son.”

Adam lied to me. Well, he didn’t exactly lie, but he lied by omission. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have affected our relationship back then, but there’s every chance we could have worked past it if we had wanted. Now? I don’t think so. The hurt on my parents face when as they watched us all fight will haunt me forever. The fact that this all happened in front of Paddy kills me every time I think about it. The fact that my Mom had to get him out of there is unbelievable, it’s what I should have done the second it all blew up. I could have dealt with Adam later.

And my… Anna I don’t even want to call her my sister. I can’t believe we came from the same gene pool. The things that come out of her mouth were unbelievable. I’m so angry, no matter what I do the anger won’t go away. The way she purposely tore Adam down, got delight out of seeing him hurt. The second my Mom had taken Paddy away from the situation, she went to tears and swept past Adam and into Dad’s arms crying. I can still see the ridiculous performance in my head.

Mom gasped, Anna’s eyes were as big as saucers with that busted look in them. Then my Mom took Patrick out of the house, and they disappeared. Adam and I were stunned into silence, then Anna pushed past Adam with a fake sob and into my Dad’s arms, knocking the groceries onto the floor.

“Oh, Daddy, do you see what it was like for me. He yells and screams,” she wrapped herself around my Dad. I’ve no idea what was going through his head because he kept looking at Adam and me. His arms stayed stiffly by his side, there was no attempt to comfort his daughter. “He’s abusive, and he’s been having an affair with my own brother the whole time,” sob, sniffle, sob, “Please Daddy make him go away, he wants to take the baby.”

Dad stepped away from Anna, then he picked up the groceries and walked into the kitchen. I heard the bags land heavily in what I assume was the sink. Then I listened to the fridge and cupboards being slammed closed and opened roughly.

I stood up, shaking my head, “You’ll stop at nothing will you,” a laugh jumped from my body, I’ve no idea where it came from. “Who are you? You just stood there with a smart ass attitude spurting a load of spiteful crap about only marrying Adam because you were pregnant and not wanting the baby.”

“Don’t turn this on me, Ian, you’re the one having an affair with my husband behind my back,” Anna spat angrily. Adam stood still with no reaction, he just stood there.

“It’s hardly an affair Anna,” I felt exhausted and emotionally drained, “If I’d have known Adam was your husband, do you really think we’d all be standing here right now having this conversation? I didn’t meet Adam until he moved to Kentucky, Anna.”

Anna crossed her arms, “I don’t believe you, Ian, it’s just like you to do something like this. You’ve always been jealous of me, and when I got pregnant, you went out and adopted an orphan kid. You’re so pathetic. That kid isn’t your son and never will be no matter how much you pretend he is.”

“That’s it I’m done,” I threw my hands up in the air. “You,” I pointed at Anna, “Stay the fuck away from me and don’t you even dare to speak to Patrick,” I looked at Adam again - nothing, “You can all go to hell.”

I stormed out of the house, slamming the door, of course forgetting my jacket. I rounded the front of the house trying to catch my breath and calm down. I don’t ever remember being this angry in my life. Although, I could hear my Dad giving Anna an earful. I couldn’t really make it all out from the ringing in my ears, my vision had flickering spots, and my breathing had become short gasps. Most likely from the anger and rage seeping through my body. Adam had plenty to yell about once I was out of the house, between Adam, Dad, and Anna I couldn’t make sense of it all. By the end, Dad politely asked Adam to leave, and he would get in touch with him. I heard the front door close, and Adam passed by me, I couldn’t leave well enough alone.

I followed him, “Why?”

I must have startled him because his whole body jumped as he spun around. He just glared at me.

“Tell me why you didn’t tell me about Anna?” my voice was croaky and it was hard talking around the lump in my throat.

He swiped his hand over his face and then stood with his arms defensively crossed over his chest, “Why would I tell you, I was embarrassed, Ian. And this, this is fucking humiliating.”

“I don’t get it, do you really think I would judge you over something like that? Is that how little you think of me? You know every single thing about me, I never lied about anything.”

Adam looked away for a moment, then stared at the ground.

“You realize if you had have told me, all of this could have been avoided, Adam? Anna is a god damn sociopath and gets off from seeing others hurt and upset. We could have figured it all out. Found a way so she couldn’t hurt either of us. But now we’re left with nothing, not even a friendship.”

Adam wouldn’t even look at me, he put his hands in his pocket and shuffled from foot to foot, looking at the ground. My heart broke in two.

“I wish I never met you,” I mumbled and turned away and started walking to the house.

“NO WAIT!” Adam leaped forward and grabbed my shoulder spinning me around to face him.

I shrugged him off, and when he saw my angry face, he took a step back from me.

“Why would I? You can’t even be honest with me. I loved you, and you betrayed me. You broke my heart, Adam. How could you do that? You made me fall in love with you, and now…” my eyes filled with tears, like hell I was going to let them fall.

“Ian please,” Adam gasped.

“You should go,” I said turning from him again and all but ran into the house. Thankfully the living room was empty. I let the tears finally fall while I watched through the window as Adam debated with himself before leaving. Well, that’s that I guess. What do I do now?

There’s only one answer – Go Home!

<>-<>-<>

“Nope,” click, next channel. Another week gone. Here I am again!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Bitchy housewives! Ugh!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Blah!

“Nope,” click, next channel. UGH! Cop Show, hell no.

“Nope,” click, next channel. Teen soap!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Another freakin’ cop show.

“Nope,” click, next channel. Another Teen soap!

“Nope,” click, next channel. News!

“Nope,” click, next channel. Another damn cop show, how many are there?

Knock! Knock! On the front door. I looked at my watch, who the hell could that be? I reluctantly got up from the couch to answer the door. I had a quick peek through the peephole. Shit! I put a smile on my face and swung the door open.

“Dad! What are you doing here?” I asked brightly. Fake! Fake! Fake!

“Don’t play dumb with me Ian, I’ve had that sweet boy on the phone crazy with worry. Your Mother sent me down here, just be thankful it’s me and not her,” Oh I am! Dad barged his way into the house with his luggage. I closed the door and followed him down the hallway to the living room.

“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but it wasn’t necessary to come all the way here,”

Dad stared at me for a moment, “Yes, it was Ian. Pat says your angry all of the time, and you do nothing but channel surf. Last week he had to hide the remote and force you out of the house,” he sighed taking a moment before he continued, “Look, Son, after James passed away it took you so long to get over it. You were so deep in depression we were worried for you. I don’t want it happening again. I know your hurt and you're angry, but you have Patrick to consider. You're not alone anymore, that boy depends on you, he needs you to be his father, Ian.”

“It’s not the same…” I stared a spot on the floor gathering my thoughts, “I’m not depressed Dad, I’m angry. It’s not the same with Adam,” I mumbled quickly wiping my eyes.

“No it’s not, but this is different isn’t it? With James it was the end, nothing more could be done. But with Adam, he’s still here.”

I crossed my arms, the anger welling toward the surface, “That’s finished, and you know that,” I said curtly.

Dad chortled, “Don’t kid yourself, my boy, it’s far from done. If it were, you would have gotten over it by now,”

I picked up Dad’s luggage and put it in my room, then started stripping my bed. After changing the sheets I put the removed sheets into the washer, taking my time so I didn’t have to face my Dad. I don’t want to talk about this. It’s done, over with. Adam lied, even still, how could we be together; he was, no is, married to my sister. Dad is now in my kitchen, I can hear him put the kettle on. Please, Pat, come home and entertain your Grandpa. Taking a deep breath, I steeled my nerves and went back out to talk to my Dad.

“Are you hungry? Pat will be home soon I can make us something, he won’t eat after training.”

“Um… Pat’s not coming home tonight, he’s staying with his friends, Will and Liam. He said you’d be okay with him staying over there,” stab to the heart, I’ve made my own son so uncomfortable he doesn’t want to come home. Damn it!

“Okay,” I answered sullenly, I sat at the table my head in my hands. “Paddy must hate me, he deserves better,” I mumbled.

Dad came in from the kitchen and sat down at the table and handed me a coffee, “He doesn’t hate you, he’s worried like the rest of us. And yes he does deserve better from you.”

“Thanks,” I picked up my coffee and blew the top of the mug, then sat it down staring at it like it held the answers. Dad and I sat in silence, his eyes observing my every move.

He leaned forward holding his coffee, “Tell me why you’ve been ignoring Adam’s calls?”

“Really Dad?” I said dryly. Dad didn’t answer nor did the expression on his face change. I sat back a little defeated, “He lied…”

“What did he lie about?”

“He never told me he was married or had a baby on the way, then tried to say that I knew and was hiding the information,” I could feel myself getting angry just at the thought.

Dad sat up straight in his chair, not saying a word. I moped at while drinking my coffee. I wish this were all different.

“I honestly wish I’d never met him, I could just be happy again with the way things were.”

My Dad thumped the table with his hand, “That’s a load of bullshit, and you know it,” he barked pointing at me. I was taken back by his outburst. I’m sure the surprise showed on my face, my Dad rarely ever shows emotion, and never gets angry. He used to leave it to Mom; Dad would stay silent. “How can you say that? I have eyes, I saw it.”

“S..saw what?”

“You two, that’s what I saw, you two. When Adam looked at Anna it was white rage, he couldn’t speak. Every time he looked at you, there was love overshadowed with hurt. If you don’t think he loves you, you’re a damn fool.” Dad fidgeted in his chair angrily, he took a sip of his coffee and put the mug slowly on the table. I looked at a spot on the floor hoping Dad couldn’t see the tears pooling in my eyes.

“S..say we get past this, how..how do we get past the f..fact he is or was m..married to Anna?” I couldn’t help but stutter, the way my lip was quivering I’m lucky I’m able to talk at all. My chest hurts again, I hate this. Unable to hold the tears in anymore I let them fall silently.

“I honestly can’t answer that for you Son,” Dad’s voice was quiet and soft, “all I know is, if you both love each other the way I think you do, you’ll find a way. You never know, due to the circumstances of the marriage, with a good lawyer he may be able to get it annulled.”

“It hurts Dad, everything was so good, and now it’s gone,” I sobbed collapsing into myself.

“Oh Ian,” Dad came around the table and wrapped himself around me, letting me sob into his chest. “Come on now, I’m sure you boys will work it out. It’s not all hopeless, he’s been contacting you, maybe pick up one of his phone calls and actually talk,” Dad said into my head as he rubbed my back. I clung to his shirt sobbing.

“I’m so angry Dad, I’m mad at Adam, I’m angry at me, most of all, I’m angry at her. You’ve no idea the things she said to Adam. She’s so spiteful, and on purpose,” I pulled away from Dad, “and what she said about Paddy…” I shook my head I couldn’t even repeat it.

Dad stood up his hand still on my shoulder and keeping eye contact, “Your Mother and I heard just about all of it. I hate to say this about my own daughter, but right now the only reason the girl is still in my house is that she is pregnant and has nowhere to go,” he said vehemently.

“Paddy is my son, I don’t care what anyone says. I know I haven’t been a good father lately but he’s my son, he belongs with me.”

“Yes, he is, Ian. Anna was trying to hurt you. Patrick is your son, mine and your Mothers Grandson. He’s our family and nothing is going to change that. Pat loves you, he loves our family and from what your Mother tells me he was excited about Adam being part your family. So try and talk to Adam, see if you can sort this all out. Yeah?” Dad sat down at the table again and nudged my phone toward me. It had been sitting on the table with my keys since I got home.

“I think I’ll ring Pat first, then I’ll have a shower if that’s okay. We’ll go and grab something to eat since it’s just the two of us,” I suggested.

“Well you ring Pat, and I’ll grab a shower and wash away this grimy plane air,” Dad smiled standing up, then walking toward my room where I’d put his luggage.

“Dad?”

“Yeah,”

“Thank you,”

He shrugged a shoulder, “It’s my job, I love you Son.”

I flicked through the recent calls on my phone, pressed Paddy, then waited for him to answer.

“Are you mad,” the first thing the poor boy said.

“No, Paddy, I’m not mad. I’m ringing to apologize to you. I love you, Son.”

“I love you too Dad,” Paddy said, and I could hear the smile when he spoke. My entire body relaxed just from hearing his voice. I couldn’t apologize enough to my son. By the end of the call, we’d both had a cry – yes, imagine that I cried. Great now I'm sarcastic to me. We ended the call with I love you and goodnight.

<>-<>-<>

“Don’t ever tell your Mother I ate that burger,” Dad burped and lightly punched his chest, “Or the loaded fries, she’ll string both of us up alive.”

At least Dad was in a lighter mood now, less unhappy with me anyway.

“Going down is the easy part, wait for it!” I chortled rolling my eyes.

“Now if I turn the television on, I will have sole control of the remote. Paddy and I have decided your punishment shall be no remote for two weeks. That means my stay and then Pat gets a week when I go home,” Dad chuckled.

“Is that right, seems harsh, but I still have ice-cream, so I’ll live.”

“About that… Pat and his friend Liam, came by and cleaned you out,” Dad laughed.

“Noooo…” I got up from the couch moving quickly to the freezer, “son of a… Are you kidding me?”

Dad laughed again, “Nope,” then turned on the television.

I text Liam to express my outrage.

Ian: Where is all my ice-cream?

Liam: It was delicious, that was very generous of you Uncle Ian.

Ian: No not generous, it was cruel taking an old mans dessert.

Liam: Sorry orders from above!

Ian: Paddy?

Liam: No, higher.

Ian: My Dad?

Liam: Uh-Uh, your Mom.

Ian: Crap, enjoy the ice-cream.

Crafty bastards, I was looking forward to that. I put my phone on the table, and it rang knowing it would be Paddy I picked it up.

“Hello, you owe me a half gallon of rocky road and a gallon of chocolate-chocolate chip,” I laughed.

“I’ll give you ten gallons if you don’t hang up,” Adam’s deep timber wafted through the phone, my stomach rolled, and my chest tightened.

“Er… Adam,” I gasped.

“Please don’t hang up,”

My Dad mouthed “talk to him” and gave me the chatterbox gesture with his hand. I walked to my room, shutting the door behind me, and sat on my bed.

“Are you still there?”

“Uh-huh, yep, I’m still here. Why are you calling Adam?” I asked nervously pulling a thread on my bed cover.

“I…I…” he sighed, “I miss you, Ian, can we please meet for coffee and talk. Maybe we can sort through this mess.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I said stiffly.

“Please, Ian, it’s one coffee. It’s all I’m asking for. I realize…”

“Fine one coffee, it’s too late tonight. Are you free tomorrow after work?”

Adam sighed, “No, I have to go to Quantico for the next three days. I was ringing to leave a message in case you changed your mind about talking with me.”

“I’m leaving on Friday for a cruise for a week with Bill, John, and Kitt. I’ll be back the following Saturday.”

“What about sometime on the Sunday, after your back?” Adam asked timidly, very unlike him. This whole thing breaks my heart into a million pieces. I can’t believe this is where we are, I’m not sure what having coffee is going to do. It won’t fix it, it won’t change it, the facts remain the same.

“Ian?”

“Yeah fine, I’ll text you after family brunch on Sunday,” I blew out a frustrated breath. It’s ridiculous how you can dread something and be excited about it at the same time.

“Thank you… I really miss you,” he said sadly. I miss you too.