Ian's Heart - 18. Chapter 18 - Adam

I anxiously looked both directions, up and down the path in front of the cafe. Ian had sent me a text to meet him here. My palms are sweating, my leg restless, I can’t stand still. I’m excited to see Ian and reluctant at the same time. I’m scared he’ll walk away. I need to calm down, I just know I’m gonna say something stupid. The past couple of months have been hell without Ian. Payne’s noticed how grumpy and irritable I’ve been. I told her Ian and I had a fight, but she doesn’t know the extent of it. So I guess I haven’t been dealing so well. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone before. I’m angry, but I’m angry at Anna, not Ian. I know he didn’t know who I was, any more than I knew who he was.

Looking down the path again I catch a glimpse of Ian, my knees go weak, my chest tightens, and my stomach did it’s usual happy dance when Ian is nearby. I nervously stuff my hands in my pockets as he approaches. All I want to do is reach out and pull him to me. The closer he gets to me the more nervous I am. He is walking with his head down, and his arms crossed over his chest. When he lifts his head, I can see the apprehension on his face. He did not want to be here. My heart sinks and I immediately feel nauseous.

“Hey,” he said sullenly. Fuck!

“Hi, I thought we could take a walk. Did you want to get a coffee first?”

Ian looked inside the café, “Uh… No, I’m fine, but you go right ahead.”

“No, we can just walk if you want,” I pointed up the path, and we headed away from the direction he had arrived. I didn’t want him to walk past his car for fear he’d just jump in and take off. We walked together in silence for a while. Our shoulders occasionally touching, my heart surges every single time. I miss him so much.

We reached a fork in the path, one way crawled further along the street, the other into a small empty park. It had a picnic table and a swing. I directed Ian into the park so we could sit. Ian sat on the other side of the table from me, it felt like he was purposely keeping distance between us. “How’s Paddy?” I asked

Ian clasped his hands together resting them on the table in front of him. He shrugged a shoulder, “Sad, upset, angry, confused, pretty much the same as I feel I guess. I haven’t been a very good father lately.”

“I’m sorry Ian,” my hand reached out for his, and he pulled back out of the way. A lump formed in my throat from holding back my emotions as I withdrew my hand and put it on my lap.

“So why did you want to see me, Adam?” Ian asked curtly.

“To tell you I’m sorry,” I croaked out, the lump in my throat making it hard to talk. I swallowed trying to find my composure to continue.

Ian tilted his head and squinted his eyes from the sun, he shrugged his shoulder again,“I don’t know what you want me to say, Adam.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Anna and the baby. I realize that if I had, there’s every chance we’d still be together,” I felt my eyes sting, fuck this is hard.

Ian leaned over his hands slightly, “You’re right Adam, yes, and we probably would have found a way to be together, even if you were married to my sister. You should have told me, if you had we may have figured out sooner that your Anna, was my sister and I could have helped you, would have helped you. She’s always been a narcissistic nightmare.”

I picked at a paint chip on the table, “I know, I regret how I handled the entire thing. The only reason I never told you about Anna is that I was ashamed. We’d had an argument about money, I came home from work the next day, and she was gone, my baby was gone.” I paused for a second to stop my emotions from coming to the surface, “I realize now that if I had have told you in the beginning, you would have understood, you had to deal with her your entire life.

“Why do you think me and her didn’t have any real contact, she’s a god damn narcissistic sociopath Adam.”

“I didn’t know that; she kept your family away. I’d only met your parents when it came to organizing the wedding. After that, we rarely ever saw your parents, and she never spoke about you. It was like you didn’t exist. In fact I don’t even remember seeing you at the wedding.”

“I don’t really remember much of your wedding to be honest,” Ian mumbled and looked at his hands, “we’ve never really liked each other. Me and Anna, not even growing up,” Ian’s gaze met my eyes, “That has nothing to do with why you didn’t tell me about her though, Adam.”

“It was like I had failed, we hadn’t been married very long. I did everything I could to make Anna happy. Nothing was ever enough,” I could feel myself getting angry, “Ian, she blew all our savings, my savings I guess. Every week she would waste my entire paycheck, I’m not really even sure what she did with the money. I had to go to my parents so I could pay the bills. Do you have any idea how pathetic that felt?” I ran my fingers through my hair angrily. “When I met you I was infatuated with this beautiful man I’d met. You seemed like you had it all together, you’d been through this awful tragedy, you have this amazing son, with whom you have a great relationship. You were full of life and happy with yourself. Can’t you see how intimidating that would be to me?”

Ian's gaze narrowed on me, “And you thought I would judge you. You think that little of me? I’m nothing like Anna,” his voice rose in anger at the end.

“It wasn’t about you,” I barked, “I never gave any thought to how you would take it. It was about me,” I thumped my fist against my chest, “I’m ashamed of what Anna did to me, I felt like a failure. Payne doesn’t even know about Anna, Ian. I didn’t want anyone to know. The only people that do are my parents, and now you,” I growled, “There is also the baby, I was so excited I was going to be a Dad. It was all ripped away; my entire life was turned upside down when she disappeared. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, sorrier than you’ll ever know,” I took a deep breath, I could hear myself getting angrier the more I spoke, I shook my head and looked back at a spot on the table. I couldn’t stomach the expression on his face. Ian didn’t say anything, and we sat in silence for what felt like forever.

“When I saw Anna in your house in Connecticut, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe I’d found her. The only reason I was looking for her Ian, was because of the baby. It had absolutely nothing to do with Anna. I was stunned when I saw her, furious, at the same time it’s hard having everything that had happened play out again, the reality floored me. I felt all the same feelings again, the hurt, the shame, and embarrassment. But at least I found my baby, I want my baby. That’s the only reason I’ve been trying to find her since she left, Ian, but then she was her usual spiteful self… After everything she said to me that day, I was no longer just ashamed, I was fucking humiliated, and you had witnessed the things she had said. That killed me, you got to see first hand how pathetic I really am. I felt less than a man, everything I managed to regain since I moved to Kentucky, my confidence and self-worth, disappeared in the blink of an eye. She played me for a fool, and I lashed out at you,” I quickly wiped my eyes before they started leaking.

“Why… why did you lash out at me? That really hurt Adam,” Ian stuttered, I looked at him and saw his eyes filled with tears.

“I don’t know, I didn’t even feel that way, I didn’t blame you at all, but you’d witnessed my shame, Ian,” I looked away, it is so hard to look at him, everything I felt from that day at his parents came slamming back into me. “I have no idea why I even said that crap. Better to self-sabotage I guess… than to lose you because I’m not enough… I don’t know.” I flicked my hand like I could swat away the hurtful words I’d spewed. “It was like I couldn’t hurt her no matter what I said so I lashed out and took it out on you, I didn’t want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you, ever.” I quickly wiped my eyes again, hoping Ian wouldn’t notice.

“Yeah well, it hurt Adam, a lot.” Ian looked down at his hands, “I couldn’t believe the things Anna said to you, my heart broke for you listening to her spew on about how she used you. I mean she was always a bitch and spiteful growing up, but that day, it was the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Then you accused me of knowing and playing you. I would never do that.” A tear fell from Ian’s eye, “You broke my heart.” His voice strangled fighting his feelings.

“I know, I wish I could take it all back. I’d do anything to be able to take it all back. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry Ian, the second the words came out of my mouth…” I shook my head and looked away, then back at Ian. His face had softened a little, and his eyes were no longer on fire with anger they just portrayed… something… hurt… resignation, I don’t know.

My chest tightened, my eyes stung, “Do you really…” my emotions all came to the surface, tears ran from my eyes, a sob lurched from deep within me to relieve the weight on my chest, “do you really wish you never met me?” I looked Ian in the eye, I needed to know what he was really feeling.

Ian stood from his seat. Unfortunately, everything I was taught on the playground as a kid about a man not showing his emotions went out the window. He was going to walk away, Ian really did wish he never met me. My head bent down into my hands as I sobbed my heart out. I didn’t dare watch Ian walk away from me, I’m not sure I could take that. A pair of arms wrapped around me, it warmed my entire body with love. Ian’s lips kissed the side of my head as I crumbled into him. He rested his forehead against the side of my head and whispered in my ear, “No, I don’t. I love you, and I miss you terribly.”

I held on to Ian as tight as I possibly could, “I love you. I’m so sorry, so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” he mumbled quietly in my ear.

We stayed wrapped up together at the picnic table until Ian received a text from Patrick.

“Paddy is going to Sasha’s for dinner, did you want to get something to eat with me?” Ian said as he ran his hand through my hair.

“I’d love to,” I took his hand and kissed the palm, then held it in both of mine, “where did you want to go?”

“Let’s go to that bar where we went on our first date, I could go for some hot wings and potato skins.” Ian chortled.

“Me too,” I said standing up, pulling Ian up with me, “can we split a chicken quesadilla as well.”

“Sounds good,” Ian smiled and wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked out of the park on cloud nine.

<>-<>-<>

“Here you go Babe,” I put Ian’s beer down in front of him while sipping on my own. He sat on a stool at a high top table. I stood next to him, he closed his eyes, and his head dropped down.

“I’ve missed that,” Ian whispered almost inaudibly.

“Me too,” I pulled the other stool around the table so I could sit next to him. The big screen at the bar had the end of the race on. We sat in silence, sipping our drinks while we waited for the food I’d ordered when I bought our drinks. The longer the silence went, the more nervous I became.

Ian put his hand on my thigh to stop it from bouncing; I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

“Please stop being anxious,” he leaned his elbow on the table, giving me his undivided attention.

“Sorry, I can’t help it. It doesn’t feel real to me yet. I guess I’m just worried you’ll change your mind,” I chewed nervously on my bottom lip.

He shook his head, “I love you, Adam, that’s not going to happen.”

I relaxed a little and took a shaky breath, “I love you too,” I put my hand over his that was resting on my thigh. “I guess I’m just… I want to know, where do we stand now? Where do we go from here? What do you want?”

Ian smiled warmly and squeezed my hand, “To answer your last question first, I want everything. I don’t want to pussyfoot around Adam, I want everything with you. I want us to build a life together I guess. I want to know everything there is to know about you so we can make sure that no-one can come between us again.”

My heart swelled, and my stomach flurried with excitement. Taking a deep breath, I nodded, “I want that too, more than you know,” I sipped on my beer. “I…I have some things to work through, are you going to be okay with that?” I felt him stiffen next to me and he took his hand from mine, sitting up straight.

“Are you not sure?” he asked brusquely.

I took his hand, putting it back on my leg, holding it in place as it was before, “Of course I am, I just mean, Anna and the baby. You and I are the one thing I know I want… I need. But there is going to be plenty for me to deal with when it comes to Anna and the baby.”

Ian relaxed, “Oh, we’ll deal with it together. You’re not in this alone, so to answer another question you had is that we are a couple. We are going to deal with everything that comes our way together.”

I couldn’t help but grin at him, he tittered as our food arrived, “Here you go, gentlemen, hot wings, potato skins – extra ranch dressing, and a chicken quesadilla. Can I get you anything else?” the young lady whose name badge bore the name Emily, smiled at us.

“We’re fine, this looks good, thank you, Emily,” Ian smiled warmly at her.

She leaned in and spoke quietly, “Can I just say you two are a beautiful couple. I just wish my brother could find someone and be as much in love as you two look. He’s a police officer, so it’s not easy for him. He has this on again, off again thing with a real douchebag,” she rolled her eyes.

“Really? I’m a detective,” I put my hand out and shook her hand, “Detective Adam Price, this is my boyfriend Ian,” I chuckled.

She ripped her hand from mine and clapped, “Oh, my God, my brother talks about you all the time,” she smiled from ear-to-ear, “it’s so lovely to meet you. Wade will be here shortly to pick me up.”

“Oh, isn’t he the officer that was with you at the diner that day?” Ian said pointing to me.

“Ah, yeah it was, Officer Potts,” I answered Ian, “I like your brother he’s a good guy and officer.”

“He is,” she gushed, “I love him to death,” Emily smiled, “well I better get my side work finished so I can end my shift, it was so nice meeting you.”

Emily moved on, Ian smiled as he reached for a potato skin. I put a ramekin of ranch dressing in front of him.

“You’ve been trained well,” he gave me a sly smile while I chuckled. I leaned in and quickly pecked him on the lips.

“I haven’t told Paddy anything yet, he thinks I’m getting coffee with a teacher from work,” I frowned at Ian, that hurt, he saw my face and quickly followed it up, “he assumed, so I let him.”

“He’ll be fine with us,” I said confidently.

“I know he will, I’m just nervous. I’ve been such a crappy father to him lately,” he said sadly, “I don’t want him thinking he’s going to lose you again.”

“He knows he didn’t lose me in the first place… Can I show you something, and you promise not to be mad?” I asked worriedly.

Ian shrugged his shoulder, while he piled chicken wings on his plate. I pulled my phone out and opened my messages and gave it over to Ian. He read a few as his eyes got bigger and bigger, I started to worry.

“We’ve still been talking since everything happened, those are texts are from earlier today. Pat already knew we were meeting. I hope you don’t mind we’ve been in contact.”

“I don’t mind at all, I think you should have your own relationship with Paddy,” Ian scrolled down to the latest text and guffawed, “and you should also tell him to watch his language.”

I took my phone back confused, not knowing what he was talking about. The last message he’d sent was after Ian met with me, and my phone was on silent. I didn’t want to be interrupted while I was talking to Ian.

Paddy: Don’t fuck this up, Detective.

“God, I love that kid,” I said laughing.

Ian smiled, “He loves you back,” Ian said seriously, reaching for my shoulder.

“I know,” turning to face Ian, I cupped his face with my hand, “I want us to be a family Babe, you, me, Paddy and the baby. That is what I want,” I smiled affectionately at Ian, “For us to raise Pat and the baby together.”

Ian turned his head kissing my palm, “We’ll find a way, let’s make it happen.”

“We’ll have to talk to Pat. First, he might not want that,” I piled the empty plates on top of each other, then took my last mouthful of beer.

“I’m sure it will be fine, but you’re right he should be included. How about you come for dinner tomorrow night, and we’ll talk to him then. Once he goes to bed, we’ll figure out where we go from here and what to do about Anna?” Ian asked as I walked him to his car.

“I’ll be there, seven-ish?”

Ian turned and leaned against his car, “Perfect,” he said gazing into my eyes.

I cupped his face with both hands, leaning into him as I kissed him good night, “Thank you for meeting me today and for giving us a second chance.”

“Don’t call it that,” he said wrapping his arms around my waist, “we both let someone come between us. We were both angry, it’s just a little bump, and when everything is squared away, we won’t even remember it happened. I believe in you… in us… in our connection, we were meant to be together.”

I leaned against him bringing my mouth to his, “I love you so much…” then closed the distance and kissed him passionately.

Thanks for reading, I hope enjoyed it. There's still more to come. What are they going to do about Anna? I think you folks have covered all the @Dahawk solutions and I'll pass them on.  
 
Huge thank you to Rick, for the time and effort he put in, as well as Rob, naturally, the constant devil on my shoulder, who is a great sounding board. Glenn and Jay my guinea pigs for this chapter; you guys are awesome.