The Hidden Ones: Resurrection - 12. A Craving

---Ryder---

As I bowed my head once more I couldn’t help but be amazed at the support Teddy was showing me. He stood their quietly and let me pray as much and as long as I needed. All these years, well, I’ve kept it so hidden for a reason. When I was a child I just wanted to avoid the question ‘How could you still be religious?’. But once I became a musician it wasn’t about the question anymore. It was about the appearance. Kids didn’t want a metal singer to pray, they didn’t want to hear that he believed in a God. Maybe I should’ve made a stand and shown that side of me anyway, but at this point that’s just another thing to add to the list.

When I had finally finished I got back up to my feet and nodded to him. I really shouldn’t be so surprised. He’s always been like this. No matter what it was, he always supported me. “You can come pray whenever you want,” he began. “But you have to ask Cait first, understood?”

“Yeah.” I forced out as we turned the corner and picked up Mike. We made short eye contact then broke it immediately. Every now and then he’s tried to talk to me but I, I always stay quiet. I just haven’t been ready I guess.

“Sully!” Cait yelped as the elevator dinged open. “I should kill you!”

“I’m sorry.” I apologized with a shake of my head. “I just wanted to go see the chapel.”

“That’s fine.” She nodded. “Just make sure you ask permission so I know where you are. I don’t like losing patients, especially not you.”

She lightly hit me on the side with her clipboard as we made our way back into my room. I watched carefully as Mike resumed his spot in front of my door. I was convinced he would wind up nothing. That he was just too stupid and arrogant. Yet look at him, he’s been a damn good cop. Not one fan or member of the press has gotten past him. And trust me, I’ve heard them try a couple of times!

“Ryder, it’s time for group.” Dr. Pierre poked his head in as I finally laid back down. I nodded my head and slowly stood back up.

“You almost missed group!” Teddy scolded, giving me a friendly push towards the door. “Ryder I’m serious about giving this,”

“I know, I know,” I interrupted in a quick breath. “I was checking the time, trust me.” Teddy nodded his head and squeezed my arm as we were forced to go our separate ways for now. If only he could know how much he’s grown to mean to me, even after all those years.

*************************************************************************************

As we formed the far too familiar circle I found myself growing quiet. I’ll talk in therapy, but this, it’s a little too public. I’ve never liked people seeing my weak side, showing them all my problems and doubts, it just never appealed to me.

“What about you Mr. Sullivan?” Dr. Pierre asked as the circle reached me. “Have anything to share today?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“You haven’t shared since you first got here.” Dr. Pierre began, starting to stare me down. “It doesn’t just benefit you, but everyone else here. And I know for a fact it’s not stage fright, I mean what’s talking in front of eight people when you’ve sung in front of eighty-thousand.”

I let out a deep sigh seeing that I wasn’t worming my way out of this. “I’m tired all day.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to get up or try anything. I don’t even want to eat. I just exist and go to therapy all day, then at night withdrawal hits and its, its hell. It’s like the worst comedown in the world without even having the benefit of getting high.” I confessed with a shake of my head. “I miss it. I miss being able to just take a pill or inject something and not having to worry about anything else for the rest of the day. I miss not having to be conscious.”

“Are there any moments in the day where you’re happy to be conscious?” Dr. Pierre asked as the group watched me closely.

“When Te, when my friends visit.” I shook my head, trying my hardest not to throw Teddy’s name out there. “That’s it. The short two hours I get to spend with him at the middle and end of each day. It feels like that’s all I live for.” I let out a sarcastic laugh as my eyes fell to the floor. “But even then I don’t know what to say. “

“You don’t need to.” Dr. Pierre comforted. “And you’re not the only one who feels that way about visitors. Most visits it feels like you’re out of words, maybe most of you are even scared to speak. But that’s okay. You’re family members just want to spend time with you, and even if it’s quiet the whole time, well it still means something to them.” He explained, turning back to me. “Can you think of instances when, even though your quiet, your friends still want to keep visiting?”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t help but confess as I thought of Teddy’s words this morning. I’m moving in with him, he, his family, they’re taking me in. “But I’m failing him. I’m not better yet.”

Dr. Pierre nodded his head, not needing to be told who that him was. “He doesn’t expect you to be better yet. None of us do. Everyone takes their own time getting back on their feet. Take as much time as you’d like Ryder. We’re always here for you.”

I reflected back his nod, but felt a breath of relief escape my lips as the person next to me began to speak. Maybe it does help talking in group, but either way it doesn’t mean I’m going to keep doing it. I just, I want to keep to myself. In my own world, with my own people.

What felt like hours finally began to pass as group went on and on until finally Dr. Pierre dismissed us. “Theodore really doesn’t expect you to be better in two and a half weeks.” He advised, walking me and Mike back to my room. “As long as you keep trying he’ll give you all the time in the world. He’s a good man like that.” I nodded my head but stayed quiet. “And by the look of it, you have a new visitor today.”

As I turned the corner and saw who he was talking about I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Ryder,” The large man let out, quickly following me into the room. Really Mike? You’re not even going to check his pass! “Ryder! Hey!” He let out as I still didn’t look to him.

“I’ll let this play itself out.” Dr. Pierre hesitantly decided, walking towards the door and whispering something to Mike.

“What Brandon?” I exhaled, climbing back into bed.

“Nothing, I just, I wanted to see you.” He forced out, pulling his chair next to my bed.

I rolled my eyes as his words hit me. “Well you’re about a week and a half late.”

“I know, I know.” He quickly let out. “I didn’t want to make things worse.” He confessed, knowing how much anger I still held towards him.

“Then don’t.” I shrugged, turning away from him.

I heard him stand back up in hesitation before he finally sat right back down. “No.” He denied. “I don’t care how things ended, or how much you hate me. You’re my little brother. I’m not failing you anymore.”

“You’re years too late on that one.” I grumbled, taking a shot at him.

“Fine. Blame me.” Brandon shrugged. “Throw it all on me. I’m the one who told you to cheat on Teddy. I’m the one who got you hooked on pills. I’m the one who gave you needles of heroin.” He began in an angry rant. “Because this is what I wanted when we first started. I wanted to see you on your death bed.”

I let out a guilty sigh as his words hit me. Out of all the band members Brandon was always the one I could trust the most. He was the one who always tried to stop the drug use, who tried to pull me out of my hole. But at the end of the day we both knew he didn’t stand a chance. Yet here he is, trying to take responsibility just to help me.

“We were at the top of the world kid.” Brandon let out in a broken breath. “We had stadiums all across the world chanting our names. But I, if I knew it would come at this price, I would give it all back.”

“No you wouldn’t.” I groaned, thinking back to him and the rest of the band. “If you would you would’ve understood when I ended the band, but not even one of you did.”

“That-that’s not the same.” He rejected as I turned back over. “This was our livelihood. We’re not you. We can’t just create another Messiah if we want to. That was the biggest we’ll ever be in our lives, and you just pulled the plug without talking to us. We could’ve kept going while you got clean. We could’ve had a new singer take over for a while, or we could’ve went on hiatus until you cleaned up.”

I let out a laugh and shook my head. “A new singer? A hiatus?” I asked as our eyes locked. “You just don’t get it do you? You’ve always been so fucking blind to it all. A new singer would’ve been a god damn joke. You would’ve ruined the band I built. And a hiatus? The music’s done. The story’s complete. If you can’t create another band as big as Messiah that your fault not mine. Don’t blame me because I’m done letting you ride my success.”

“You could never share the spotlight could you?” Brandon asked, standing up in anger. “You could never give us any credit. Sure, you wrote a lot of our music, but we wrote a good amount too, and we played the fucking hell out of it every night. But most of all, we put up with you when no one else would.” He let out, pushing the chair towards the door. “We were the only family you had, and you still threw us to the curb like we were fucking nothing.”

“Brandon Seward!” I heard a familiar young voice yell out as the sound of a backpack bouncing filled the room.

“No.” I shook my head, staring down Oliver. “He’s not who you think he is.”

“Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.” He muttered walking past the kid and towards the door. “Good luck Teddy.” He nodded to the man in the doorway. “You’ve always deserved better than him.”

“Is that why you guys broke up?” Oliver eagerly let out, standing a little too close to the bed for comfort.

“Something like that.” I shook my head, not looking to answer the question.

Teddy shrugged his shoulders as our eyes connected. “Both my parents are busy so I had to pick him up, and he can’t stay home alone.” Teddy sighed. “Plus you should get used to how loud he is. You’re about to share a house.”

“Isn’t that awesome!” Oliver let out, much more excited than the first time we met. “You-you can teach me music!”

“I, maybe.” I forced out, not in the talking mood.

Teddy let out a deep sigh before walking over and grabbing his younger brother by the backpack. “Ryder needs time to rest. I think you need to leave him alone for a while.”

“It’s okay.” I quickly interrupted, motioning for Oliver to stay.

“Are you sure?” He asked with a cautious stare. I took a second to think it over before nodding my head. He’s going to be loud and maybe even annoying, but right now I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. Besides Teddy’s right. I need to get used to him being around. “Okay cool, if he gets to be too much just have Mike throw him into the waiting room. But he should be doing his homework anyway.” Teddy warned, staring down his younger brother. “And our mom should be here soon to pick him up.”

I nodded my head once more but didn’t say anything. It’s funny, Oli has a completely different aesthetic than his older brother did, yet their faces are almost perfect copies of one another. The only big difference was the length of their hair. “He should be doing his homework.” Oli mimicked in a high pitch voice.

“You should be.” I shrugged, looking over to him.

“Fine!” He let out in an overdramatic breath before finally taking a seat and digging into his bag. “So are you really moving in?”

“Yeah.” I nodded my head. “If your parents will let you.”

“They will.” He quickly responded. “Well, my mom will anyway. She completely freaked out over it last night and made my dad agree to it.”

“Oh.” I exhaled, getting the full truth Teddy wouldn’t give me.

“He’s cool with it though, he just won’t admit it.” He explained, looking down at his notebook.

I went to say something but quickly shut my mouth as I realized who I was talking to. Wait a minute, how the hell am I supposed to talk to a thirteen year old? “How was school?” I forced out, not knowing what else to say.

“Uck.” He let out. “Are you really a boring adult like Teddy?” He asked, looking right back up at me. As his piercing eyes fell on me I couldn’t help but think back to the past. Just like the rest of his face, he’s got his brother’s eyes. Always searching, looking, guessing at something more. “You stare like him too.”

“You have your brother’s eyes.” I explained as his head fell back down to his work.

“Maybe I should’ve just sat in the waiting room.” He shook his head. “That was mean.”

“What?” I asked, trying to get him to look back up. “You look just like he did when he was your age. That-that’s a good thing.”

“No it’s not.” He quickly rejected. “Teddy’s ugly.”

“I, I think he’s the best looking person I’ve ever seen.” I let out, drawing a weirded-out look from Oli.

“Drugs really do mess with your head.” He concluded, going right back to his work. “Can you teach me how to play guitar when you move in?”

“I, sure, you don’t know?” I asked, shocked by the question.

“No.” He shook his head. “My dad made me pick between the drums and the guitar, and said I could only learn one.”

“Oh.” I exhaled. “But even Teddy knows how to play the guitar.”

“No he doesn’t.” Oli dismissed, giving me another weird look.

“Sure he does.” I nodded my head. “Does he not play at family camp fires anymore?”

“Family campfires?” Oli repeated in a laugh. “I don’t know what Teddy told you about me, but I’m not that gullible.”

“I-I went to one before I started dating your brother.” I quickly explained. “That’s where I met your uncle Martin.”

“Yeah well we don’t see him much anymore.” Oliver shrugged trying to focus on both his work and talking. “I don’t really know any of my cousins or uncles.”

“Oh.” I exhaled once again. I can’t help but wonder if I’m the cause of that problem. Did they keep talking to Martin after Teddy and I broke up? I mean, it’s not like I stayed working with him that long anyway. Not that he was bad or anything, I just needed to move onto bigger labels. Onto bigger opportunities.

As I looked back at the kid next to me I couldn’t help but smile as he bit down on his lip. Once more flashbacks of young Teddy swarmed my brain. “Need help?” I asked, looking over at the math problem he was stuck on.

“No!” He quickly rejected. “I can do it.” He insisted, but as a few more moments of silence passed he finally looked back up at me. “Just on this problem.” He let out, handing me his notebook.

It was hard at first, but before I knew it I was helping him with most of his math homework. I have no idea if it was right or wrong, but it felt good to sit with him and help. Sure, a large part of it is because he’s Teddy’s younger brother, but even that aside, the two of us just connect. I doubt he’s had the life I’ve had, but he still understands where I’m coming from. And maybe, I can be that for him too.

“Oliver.” I heard the call of his mother cry out as my door opened.

“I have one more problem!” He replied, quickly trying to run through it.

“Well don’t rush it.” She shook her head. “Just pack up, and I’ll help you when you get home.”

“No, come on, it’ll take like a minute.” He argued, ignoring her words. “If I pack up I’ll just forget what I was doing.”

“Fine.” She groaned, taking a step in but freezing as our eyes connected. “Hello Ryder.” She forced out.

“Hi.” I let out. I went to say something else, but froze as I over thought every little thing.

“Thank you for helping Oliver.” She finally began, breaking the silence “I know he’s not easy to handle.”

“He was fine.” I shrugged. “Did his homework the whole time.”

“You don’t have to lie for him.” She explained but as she finally stepped closer she saw that he actually had been working for the hour he was here. “Oh, um, thank you. I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.”

“He did it all on his own.” I shook my head. “Teddy told him to do it, and he did it.”

“No, Teddy told me to do it, and then you made me do it.” Oli insisted, refusing to let Teddy have any credit.

I shrugged once more but could tell Mrs. Haner understood the situation. “Thank you,” I began, not knowing where I was taking it. “For letting me move in. I-it means a lot.”

“It’s the least we could do.” She nodded as Oliver finally began packing up his bag.

Silence filled the air as I tried to understand what she meant. Least they can do? Do they think they owe me something? Do they think I’m mad at them? “I’ll see you in a week Ryder.” She let out, grabbing onto her son and forcing him out.

“Bye Ryder!” He shouted taking one last look at me. “I’ll see you later!”

“See you later.” I nodded, letting myself fall back into bed as I finally got some quiet.

“You did a good job.” Mike’s voice filled the air as the door reopened and shut. “My shift’s about to end,” He began, running through his daily spiel. “See you tomorrow.” He let out as I tuned back into his words.

“Thank you.” I finally spoke, looking over at him. “For finding me in the cemetery.” I explained as confusion filled his face. “I never really thanked you for that.”

“It’s no problem.” He let out, shocked by my words. “Just part of the job.”

“It’s not part of your job to wait on me hand and food.” I shrugged as our eyes met. “So just, thank you, for it all.”

“It’s really not a big deal.” He shrugged, growing uncomfortable by my sudden gratitude.

“It is.” I nodded, refusing to let him have an easy out. “I hear the other cop complain about what a boring shift this is.”

“Guess I just like being a cop more.” Mike shrugged, finally reopening the door. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I nodded my head as I finally got my much awaited silence. Okay, maybe Mike and I won’t wind up ever being friends, but he’s looking out for me. I know he is. If he’s proven he can change, than I know I can too.

************************************************************************************

As time slowly faded away I could tell it would be another quiet day without Teddy. As hard as these days are for me, I get it. He’s busy and he has other patients. I just need to be grateful he’s given me another chance.

“You were a popular one today weren’t you?” Nate asked, stepping into the room. I rolled my eyes and turned to my side. Of all people, him? Seriously? At this time of day? Isn’t it bad enough that my withdrawal symptoms start to act up, but now on top of that I have to listen to his stupid voice. “I know, surprise, surprise, I’m back already.” He let out. Back already? What did he go somewhere? “But they called me in because they were short staffed. Suspended or not I guess this hospital needs me.”

Suspended? So that’s what Cait was talking about a day ago! “So if you need anything just hit the buzzer.” I noticed him linger a little bit longer than usual this time as he watched over me. “I know we may not have gotten off on the right foot, so I’m sorry.” He exhaled. “I guess I’m not fully over Dr. Haner dumping me. What can I say? He’s a man who takes risks. Dating doctors, nurses, patients, but it is what it is.” I couldn’t help but look back at him, desperate to see if it was one of his tricks. There’s no way Teddy actually dated him. There’s just, there’s no way. He wouldn’t have been that desperate, would he have been?

“I know, you don’t believe my apology is real.” He let out, pulling something out of his pocket “So how about some relief for your withdrawal to prove my intentions are good.” I was left speechless as he held a small black vaporizer near my face. “Well go ahead.”

“I-I can’t.” I finally spoke noticing the cannabis oil it held. But the small churning inside me began to grow more serious at the sight of it. I haven’t smoked weed since I was in my early twenties, but it’d do just fine.

“Come on, it’s not like it’s addictive.” He shrugged. “We even use it as a pain reliever with some of our patients. It’s just medicine. And if you’re worried about being caught, it doesn’t smell and Theodore and Dr. Pierre already went home. I’m the only one you have to answer to.” I gulped hard but shook my head no anyway. “Alright fine, but don’t say I didn’t’ try to help you.”

As he grew closer to the door I felt my want for it grow deeper and deeper. Soon enough the want turned into an all-out need as I reached out my hand. I could feel chills begin to line my skin as my hand shook. It doesn’t matter what the substance is, if it alters my mind, well my body calls out for it all the same. “Fine.” I forced out.

“There’s no shame in wanting a hit or two.” He smiled, handing me the pen. “You just hold down the button and,”

“I know how to use a vape.” I bit, taking a hit quickly followed by another two or three.

“You’re welcome.” He teased, taking it from me and slipping it into his pocket.

I’m sorry Teddy. I tried, I really did, but the need, the want, my addiction, it’s all just way too strong for me. No matter what I do I don’t think I can beat this. I don’t think I can do this. Brandon was right. You do deserve a better man than me.