The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 63. 61 - Hard Truth

What was Siggi thinking? How was it worth for him to hurt his best friend just to make me look bad? I had been so careful not to say anything that would upset Dmitri, only for Siggi to come and use my own words against me, the words I told him because I believed I could trust his wish to help his best friend.

Siggi betrayed me. He hated me that much, didn’t he? Hated me so much he didn’t care who else he hurt in his need to express it. Didn’t he see how Dmitri looked like his world had collapsed under him? His face lost all colour, his eyes swelled in the same kind of hurt and betrayal that took over me. But while I let my anger finally show in front of Siggi, Dmitri shrank in his chair, backed away from me.

Dmitri will think I’m a liar. I lost his trust. And it will be all Siggi’s fault. He got what he wanted in the end.

The anger didn’t go away, no matter how many deep breaths I took. I leaned towards the restroom’s sink, avoiding the mirror because I couldn’t recognise the face staring back at me: teeth barred like a rabid dog, a frown so deep as to make even my nose wrinkle, a red hue over my cheeks that for once didn’t come from embarrassment. My arms shook with the effort of holding my body weight, but even when I stepped away they wouldn’t stop. I closed my hands into fists and wondered what it would be like to throw them at Siggi’s face.

No. I couldn’t let my anger take over like this. I should know better than to wish to hurt someone. Even if Siggi deserved it.

Why did I ever have a crush on him? How could I like someone so horrible? I tried to be patient, tried to understand he had a difficult life. I tried not to show how much his hatred hurt me. I tried to be the better man, the mature one when he resorted to childish insults. I gave him all the chances I could. I didn’t want to give up. I thought I would’ve done anything to not give up on Siggi. I clung to the belief that there was a good person hiding behind the immature façade. I hoped I would get to see that side of him one day for real.

And for what?

For him to reveal my most intimate worries to my boyfriend before I was ready to talk to him about it. For him to shatter in a thousand pieces the little trust I placed in him. For him to not hesitate to use his best friend to hurt me where I would feel it the most. How could I keep on loving someone like that? I was a fool to believe in his good side. I wasted my time hoping he would ever turn into something he clearly wasn’t.

Was it over, then? The feelings, the hope I’d been nurturing for half a year… all for nothing.

My eyes stung. Siggi, the beautiful cellist of heart-melting melodies, refused to leave my mind. He fought to remind me of his presence, playing tug of war with my heart and screaming, even now, that my feelings deserved another chance.

No, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stay in this restaurant and continue whatever talk Dmitri wanted to have. What would be the point now, anyway? He was probably hurting as much as I was. I betrayed his trust just like Siggi betrayed mine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to see me anymore. Like how I was trying to convince myself I didn’t want to see Siggi either.

My vision was blurry by the time I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I blinked, but it only made things worse. I wanted to call Jó and let him know I would be coming home soon, but I couldn’t even see the keypad to type my PIN code.

Tchaikovsky’s Pathetic symphony blasted from my phone then, and I almost dropped it in surprise. This was Dmitri’s ring tone. What could he want? He wouldn’t break up with me over the phone, would he?

“Hi, Gunni. It’s me.” His voice was too steady, like when he told me about the parts of his past he didn’t want to remember. “I just want to say I’m sorry I can’t be with you now. I know you must be really upset.”

“Why would you want to be with me? Didn’t you hear what Siggi said?”

“Yes, and we’ll talk about it later. But more importantly, Siggi took your anger really badly. I’ve been trying to calm him down, but it isn’t working.”

“Serves him right!”

“What? How can you say that?”

“How can he say that? He should’ve thought about his words before they left his mouth!”

“He really hurt you this time, didn’t he?”

“He hurt you! He didn’t have the right to tell you those things! I’d been trying so hard to express my feelings without making you sound like a horrible person, and I told him as much, and he still didn’t care! How do you expect me to feel after that? How do you expect me to care about Siggi getting hurt when all he did since we got here was hurt both of us?”

“Look, Gunni, I… Whether your words hurt me or not, your feelings are still true. We’ll have to talk about this later. And we’ll talk like two adults who like each other and care for each other and it’ll be fine in the end. But right now Siggi is freaking out, rejecting my attempts to reassure him you won’t hurt him, and I need to make sure he’ll be ok.”

“I can’t understand how you still care. How can you stay friends after everything he’s done?”

“That’s between the two of us. We have our reasons. But I would rather not have to choose between you or him.”

“Fine, do whatever. I’m going to stay here for a while. Or maybe I should go home. Whatever you planned to do is definitely not going to happen now, is it?”

Dmitri sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to let it end like this, but…”

“I don’t want to see Siggi’s face even in passing.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this angry before.”

“I don’t remember the last time I felt like this. I think I just… I’ve had enough. I should’ve realised sooner how strong Siggi’s hatred is. I can’t hope to change his mind. We’ll never get on any better and whatever I try will be a waste. I can’t… I can’t continue like this. I can’t love someone who’ll step on me at every opportunity.”

“I know. Loving people who don’t deserve me is the story of my life. I’ll be there for you if you want, please don’t think you’re alone. But I have to go now, Siggi is really pale and I think he might do something bad if I don’t bring him back. Take some time to process things, come out when it doesn’t hurt so much. I’ll be here.”

“Thanks. I’ll try.”

“I love you, Gunni.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, so I ended the call instead. As soon as the restroom fell quiet again, the surge of tears I had barely managed to hold back came out with the force of a broken dam. I hid in one of the stalls because I knew it wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

I hadn’t cried so much since Mum said goodbye the last time we saw each other. I tried my best to keep quiet in case someone else came in, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. I ran out of breath, out of tissue paper, and eventually out of anger.

The calm after the storm still hurt. I still couldn’t forgive Siggi’s betrayal and couldn’t understand Dmitri’s insistence to be with him. But I didn’t feel like I would scream at Siggi’s face or have to restrain myself from punching him if we laid eyes on each other again. Whatever feelings I had for Siggi were buried deep enough to be hard to reach. How long did it take me to get to this point? Would Dmitri have calmed Siggi down by now? I was almost ready to face them again… as soon as my face recovered from the puffy cheeks and red blotches.

‘I’m almost ready to come out. How is Siggi?’ I texted Dmitri. The answer came too quickly.

‘He’ll be fine to have you around. The food is already here too. Come before it gets too cold. <3’

I took a few deep breaths. This was for Dmitri. I was going to walk in there and be polite to Siggi for Dmitri’s sake. He needed me to get through this. Whether Siggi was going to do the same was anyone’s guess, but I would be prepared anyway. Dmitri didn’t deserve to see us fighting anymore.

“Welcome back!” Dmitri smiled at me as I approached the table. I made a point of not looking at Siggi, though he was making my job easier by crouching over his food as if he was trying to make himself small. He didn’t look towards me as I sat down and Dmitri reached for my hand. “Let’s enjoy the food. It’s been here for a while, so we should get rid of it before it becomes too cold.”

We ate quickly, in silence. Siggi ate his food in big mouthfuls, not even waiting until he was done chewing a portion to add the next. I couldn’t be sure if he was doing this to get away from me faster or because his bland-looking steak with unseasoned baked potatoes and plain assorted vegetables tasted so horrible that this was the only way to make them edible. He didn’t look up from his plate, and if he noticed me staring, he didn’t let it show.

Dmitri, on the other hand, spent the whole dinner glancing at us. He smiled at me every time our eyes met, but frowned as soon as he thought I couldn’t see him anymore. He tried to smile at Siggi too, but Siggi didn’t even acknowledge him.

Siggi still didn’t look up even after the waitress took our plates. Should I feel guilty that I felt better when he was intimidated by me than when he was making an effort to say the first hurtful things that came to mind? My anger had receded enough that it opened space for remorse. All I did was shout at Siggi, but that was enough for him fear me. Surely I was some sort of monster in his eyes now, like all the others who made his life a living hell when he was younger. As horrible a person as Siggi was, I didn’t want to be a monster. I should’ve thought this through better.

“Siggi, I –”

“I’m sorry, Gunnar.”

Dmitri’s face had the same shocked expression I knew to be stamped in mine. Siggi still stared at the table, but his hands clenched to fists and his body became so still I feared he had stopped breathing.

“You are… sorry?” I couldn’t believe my words even as they left my mouth.

“Everything you said about me is true. I’m a horrible person, I fuck up everything I do and I don’t deserve your boyfriend’s attention. I’m just broken like that and I’ll keep breaking no matter how many times you try to patch me up.”

“That’s not true!” Dmitri tried to touch Siggi’s shoulder, but he swatted the hand away.

“Then you’re fucking blind. Or a saint of infinite patience. Either way you’re not someone I deserve to call a friend.”

“I don’t think so!”

“Then ask your dear boyfriend. I’m sure he agrees that I shouldn’t torment you with my presence anymore. You keep giving me chances and I keep screwing up and I don’t even know why. Words come out of my mouth before I can stop them. I don’t think. I can’t think. So the longer you stay, the higher the chances I’ll say something we’ll all regret. Like now.” Siggi finally glanced at me, but lowered his eyes as soon as he realised I was looking at him. “Tell him, Gunnar. Make your dear boyfriend see sense. You’re the only one who can.”

Dmitri shook his head. Siggi was right, I couldn’t understand how someone could put up with him, and I was still angry enough to think that he didn’t really deserve the friends he had. I could’ve done as Siggi wanted and let out the harsh words that had been building up in my throat. Dmitri would’ve listened to me too. It would’ve been the end of their friendship.

“No. I’m not going to do that.”

“Why? Aren’t you angry? Why won’t you…?”

Hurt me. The words were never voiced, but his body screamed them at me.

“I am. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never been this angry at someone before. I’ve never hated someone like I hated you then.” I made a point of looking at Siggi, but he recoiled against his chair and remained still. Small. Unthreatening. “And I don’t trust your apology. You give me no reason to believe you are as sorry as you say, or that if I try to warm up to you, you won’t try to bite me again.” Dmitri’s eyes widened. I made an effort to not look directly at him. “But what is between you and Dmitri is between you and Dmitri. It’s not up to me to decide what you’ll do.”

“Thanks, Gunni.” Dmitri smiled. His shoulders sagged and he leaned towards Siggi. “I want to be your friend, Siggi. Despite all your shortcomings and all the fuck-ups. You mean a lot to me, believe it or not.”

Siggi still didn’t say anything, but he let Dmitri rub his shoulder. He looked at me, straightening his posture slightly, and I met his gaze. His body froze for a second. Did I scare him still? He leaned closer to Dmitri and the tiniest smirk escaped his lips. “You deserve each other.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Is that meant as an insult?”

“It’s meant whatever way you want to take it.” He shrugged. “Whether you believe me or not, I was trying to not screw up. I don’t know what happened, why I said those things. I have the emotional maturity of a toddler. Not that it excuses anything.”

“Are you scared of me?”

“Seeing you angry once was enough. I would rather not repeat the experience, even though I know it’s bound to happen sooner or later.”

I took some time to think through my next words. My feelings for Siggi had changed so much in the last hour that I couldn’t decide if I was angry still or if some part of me had already decided to forgive him. I couldn’t give in to false hopes, but if there was a chance Siggi really meant his words, I shouldn’t be so harsh on him.

“I don’t think I hate you enough to be happy that I scare you now. But I can’t bring myself to believe you’ll really do your best to not make me angry again. I don’t think I can trust you with anything anymore.”

“You’re right. I don’t trust myself with anything either.”

Dmitri turned away from us. I was worried until I noticed his shoulders shaking. He was trying not to laugh at our faces, though I couldn’t imagine why this would be. “I’m sorry, guys, but I can’t believe this is the thing you end up agreeing on.” He smiled and shook his head. “Here I was, hoping we would come up with a plan for our relationship, only for you to turn on each other and instead decide Siggi is a horrible person who shouldn’t be trusted.”

“I don’t see what is funny about this.” Siggi raised an eyebrow. Would he like to know that I agreed with him on this too?

“Yeah, I know. It’s just…” Dmitri reached for my hand over the table and took Siggi’s too despite his protest. “It hurts me too when you’re at each other’s throats. To be honest, ever since Gunni stormed out I’ve been feeling like a child whose parents are getting divorced. I didn’t mean for our dinner to turn into a custody battle. But then, when all seems lost… it turns out you’re actually on the same page about what is going on. You bicker, you fight, you sort of hate each other on principle now, but at least you’re sure it’s Siggi’s fault. Maybe I’m laughing so I don’t have to cry?”

I hugged Dmitri. He didn’t deserve this. He was too nice. If only Siggi had more self-control…

Siggi leaned towards Dmitri too. It wasn’t an outright hug like what I was doing, but their shoulders touched and Siggi rested his head on Dmitri’s. He didn’t say anything, but Dmitri seemed to understand it anyway.

“I love you both, you know? In different ways, but I love you both.”

“I’m sorry we’re causing you so much trouble.”

Siggi was the first to break the sort-of-group-hug. “Then let’s take the chance to finish this thing before I say something else we’ll regret. You wanted a time management plan for us to see each other, right?”

“Yes, we should do something so that neither you nor Gunni feel ignored.” Dmitri didn’t let go of me, so I didn’t try to break the hug. “Something like… half the week here, half the week there?”

“You better destroy my arse at every opportunity when we are together, because I’ll need it if all I get to go by the rest of the time is Gísli’s cock or my fake ones.”

Did Siggi say this on purpose to embarrass me? And not even a minute after he said he would try not to do that… But Siggi wasn’t even looking at me or Dmitri. Could it be that he was just expressing his true feelings, and didn’t really care what I thought of them?

“It’ll be my pleasure. You’re ok with it, right, Gunni?”

“Yes. Yes… of course.”

Maybe Siggi wasn’t trying to get to me after all. Maybe I could trust him just a tiny little bit?

“Then how about I go home with Siggi after the week’s concert, stay with him Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and then after Monday’s rehearsal we either go to Gunni’s place or he comes to mine and Siggi goes to Arnar’s?”

Siggi and I considered the proposal in silence, with Dmitri smiling and daydreaming while he waited.

“It would work well for me,” I spoke first. “This means I would be able to spend time with my cousins when Eiri is not at work. I would be happy to go to either place as well, or even half the time in each.”

“I’ll stay with Arnar whenever you’re together, so I don’t care or need to know where you take your cuddles.”

That jab had to be on purpose, if the tiny smirk on Siggi’s face was anything to go by. But it didn’t feel like an insult. Siggi sounded almost playful, teasing us not to hurt me, but to make his friend laugh. Dmitri probably noticed it too, because he laughed and rolled his eyes and finally seemed like he was truly happy to be surrounded by the people he loved most.

“Then it’s sorted! Well done, us! We got there in the end!”

“We’ll see how it works out.” Siggi gave Dmitri a look much like a parent preventing their child from running to the sweet shelf in a shop. “It sounds ok in theory, but if you go back to being blinded by love and cause trouble again, we’ll have to do something else. And Gunnar and I will keep to the bare minimum of communication, unless we have a concern around you.”

I nodded. I tried not to look intimidating while looking at Siggi, but he still seemed to tense up the moment I laid eyes on him. “But from our experience so far, I think it’s going to be more likely that you’ll be the one feeling left out. So I just want you to know that you can trust me to talk about it. Please don’t be intimidated or scared if Dmitri doesn’t listen to you. I’ll put whatever personal differences we have aside if it comes to that.”

“You spoke like an adult.” Siggi rolled his eyes. His words seemed to be praising me, but their tone implied the opposite. “I guess I’ll do my best to be the same if you feel suffocated again. So it’s the same for you.”

“Thank you.” I smiled, but Siggi turned away.

“I really am a child of divorced parents…” Dmitri sighed. “But I’m glad you’re doing all this for me. I couldn’t ask for a best boyfriend or fuck buddy.”

“Then how about we don’t push our luck and get out of here as soon as possible?”

I wouldn’t have said it this way, but I agreed with Siggi. The more time we spent together in the restaurant, the more I feared Siggi would say something that would make me lose control and change my feelings for the worse again. I didn’t even want to eat dessert.

“Let’s get the bill. Each pays for their own food?” Dmitri looked expectantly to us. Siggi and I nodded in an embarrassing synchrony. “And I know we just agreed that I would spend the weekdays with Gunni, but I think it’ll be better for me to go home with Siggi today.” He turned to Siggi as he spoke. “I want to make sure you’ll be ok after being triggered like that and then being forced to go on despite your new feelings for Gunni. And I want to show you that I’m really not about to ignore your needs.”

Siggi took some time to answer. I thought he wasn’t going to. “We’ll fuck until I can’t remember any of this shit.”

“Sounds good to me!”

Seeing Dmitri smile to Siggi reassured me that I made the right decision in letting them go on their own. Siggi needed Dmitri. But the thought that I would be left alone still left a bad taste in my mouth and an unpleasant feeling on my chest. I didn’t want to think too much about it, at least not while Dmitri was close enough to potentially realise something was going on, so I gave them enough cash to cover my part of the bill and a tip for the waitress and left as soon as I could. I hadn’t called Jó and I didn’t plan to get a taxi or bus. I needed the walk home to organise my thoughts.

(...) 

The night air blowing against my face was freezing. I couldn’t feel my nose after a few minutes, and the fingers holding on to my violin case hurt from the friction of the straps against cold skin. But, as horrible an experience as it could’ve been, the cold and the pain helped me keep focused on the turmoil of feelings from that dinner and what they meant for my relationship with Siggi. By the time I found Jó and Eiri cuddling on the living room couch watching TV, I had a good idea of what was going on with me, but I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to accept the situation.

“Is something wrong, Gunni? How was dinner?” Jó asked as soon as he saw me come in. Eiri let go of him so that he could comfort me even before I had the chance to say anything.

“We did what we were meant to do, but…”

Jó caressed my hair and I instinctively hugged him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

My answer was to bury my face in Jó’s chest as the first sob made its way out. The tears followed, and I clang on to Jó’s shirt unable to say how sorry I was that I was making it completely soaked. I heard Eiri get up too, and a few seconds later his hand patted my back. They waited next to me, comforting me, until I was ready to speak.

“My crush on Siggi… it’s over.”

“What? How?”

“I can’t keep hoping to see the nice side of someone who’ll never want to show it to me. I think I finally understand how much of a jerk Siggi really is. I can’t love someone who will do anything to hurt me. I can’t love him. Not anymore.”

“Gunni…” My cousins hugged me. I couldn’t say much else, couldn’t bring myself to relive the moment I realised my most enduring crush wasn’t meant to be. “I’m sorry he broke your heart like that.”

“Do you need me to go teach that jerk a lesson?”

I shook my head while still buried in Jó’s shirt. The last thing Siggi needed was my strong, muscular cousin threatening him.

“Violence won’t bring the pieces of Gunni’s heart back together.” Jó sounded like he was speaking to a misbehaving teenager. “What he needs now are shoulders and shirts to cry on, hugs, and maybe ice cream.”

“Sorry.” Eiri squeezed me until I couldn’t breathe. “We don’t have ice cream at home, though. Should I run to the shop and get some?”

I felt Jó’s exasperation even without looking at him. I didn’t think I would’ve been in the mood to laugh, but Eiri’s cluelessness ended up being a welcome distraction. I managed to speak without choking up. “Actually, I could have ice cream. Chocolate. Strawberry. And whatever weird flavour you see. Thanks.”

Jó raised an eyebrow, looking from me to Eiri like he was trying to understand what was going on. He put a hand on his temple and sighed. “You heard him. I guess it’ll be easier if you take care of his material needs and leave the emotional to me.”

“I’ll be back with your material happiness, then.” With one pat on my back and a wink, Eiri was gone.

“I’m sorry about Eiri. He was trying to help.”

“I know. It sort of worked, for a bit…”

“Do you want to talk about what happened between you and Siggi today? I’m all ears whenever you need.”

I ended up lying with my head on Jó’s lap, telling him everything I could about our dinner while he caressed my hair and handed me tissues whenever he felt I was about to need one. I heard the front door open after a while, but Eiri didn’t come into the living room. His footsteps faded away to the kitchen instead, and I continued my story as if nothing had happened.

“So I can’t… I can’t keep hoping Siggi will ever show me that part of him I fell in love with. I loved him for his music, for how enchanting he is when he plays. And if I didn’t see him every day at rehearsal I wouldn’t believe he had anything to him other than childish hatred. I used to think that if I gave him time to get to know me, he would realise I’m not his enemy and we could build our relationship from there. But if hates me so much that he will trod on his best friend’s feelings to express that hatred, he’s never going to let me get close. He’s never going to show me that wonderful side of his. All I’ll ever get is that immature, bratty teenager who lives to make my life hell and won’t rest until he’s done it. How can I love someone like that? I can’t keep hoping for a miracle and letting my heart open to be hurt every time we speak.”

“You’ve had enough, haven’t you?”

“I don’t want to see his face anymore. I don’t want to go back to rehearsal and see him sitting in front of me, playing that wonderful music of his as if nothing happened. If it wasn’t for Dmitri, I would never speak to him again.”

“It’ll be difficult to face him, but you have rehearsal tomorrow and a concert the day after tomorrow. As the orchestra’s Leader you can’t let your personal feelings take over.”

“I know that, but it makes everything worse. Maybe I should call in sick tomorrow? Though then Dmitri will worry. What should I do?”

Jó caressed my hair more, taking his time to find an answer. “You’ll have to be grow-up about it. Focus on the music, ignore Siggi. Be the bigger man like you said you wanted to be.”

“What if I can’t, though? What if seeing Siggi in front of me and hearing him play so beautifully like he always does makes me feel so bad I can’t concentrate? I feel like crying just thinking about it. What if I actually cry in the middle of rehearsal? What will everyone think?”

“They’ll worry about you.”

“Yes, and then they’ll think I’m just being a teenager with love troubles, like all people my age, and they’ll realise it was a mistake hiring someone so young.”

“Ok, calm down. That was a big logic leap to make.”

Even if Jó was right, I was already crying my eyes out again.

“Dmitri was laughing about how we agreed everything was Siggi’s fault, but what if he’s right after all? What if I am too young for this? I’m seventeen. How can I be ready to deal with this?”

“It’s not just seventeen year-olds who struggle with those things. Anyone would be having a hard time trying to keep their feelings in check if they went from loving a co-worker to hating them. You’ll just have to do your best to deal with it, like everybody does.”

“Siggi is going to make me lose my job. He’ll get what he wants in the end. The ISO will see I’m not fit to be their Leader and will send me packing.”

“I know it feels like you got an impossible task ahead of you, but I promise it’s not as bad as it seems. You won’t lose your job because of Siggi. If anything, he’ll be the one at risk because of his harassment of you.” Jó wiped the last few tears from my cheek. “So by all means cry your heartbreak out, have some ice cream, and try to keep a level head for tomorrow. But don’t worry about your job and about doing the things you like most. Isn’t music your favourite thing in the world?”

“Yes.”

“Then focus on that when the time comes. Let the music cheer you up. And until then…” Jó smiled. “Until then, let’s have some ice cream.”