Aria Graice - 13. Chapter 13

Giving a little cry of distress, Amara pushed past Drew and sat next to Aria. He didn’t touch him or say anything, just sat next to him shoulder-to-shoulder, drawing up his legs in the same way.

“It might have been nice to give me some warning. Just so I could not have hot coffee in my mouth when I heard.”

The tiniest ghost of a smile crossed Aria’s face. “Sorry.”

Amara shrugged. “Meh. It was terrible coffee. Drew made it.”

Aria raised his gaze and gave Drew a faint smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey.” Drew crouched in front of the boys, trying to stay far enough away that it wouldn’t feel threatening. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing. You did a brave thing.”

“Stupid thing,” he mumbled.

“Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll have to see. The main thing is that you were honest and brave. You put it out there and you can be yourself now.”

Aria’s head jerked up and he stared at Drew, a deep frown creasing his forehead. He didn’t say anything, but he was clearly thinking about something so Drew let him ponder in silence. “Do you…do you really think I can? Be myself, I mean? Who I want to be? Just me?”

Amara threw an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. “Idiot. You could always have been just you. You’re the best person I know. Who wouldn’t want to be you?”

Aria turned his head to stare at Amara as if he were speaking Chinese. He stared so hard and so long Amara started to squirm. “What?”

“You don’t have to whore for me anymore. You don’t ever have to let anyone touch you again if you don’t want them to. That’s why I did it.”

Drew watched Amara cycle through some strong emotions, accompanied by interesting colour changes. Eventually, he swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “You think I’m a whore?” His voice almost broke Drew’s heart.

Aria shook his head and kept on shaking it. “No. Oh, no. No. But I was so scared and so… hurt that I had to make you act like one. For me.”

“I was never a whore,” Amara rasped, and turned away from his brother.

“That’s not what I meant, Mara. You know that. You know what I meant.”

“I know what they say about me. I’ve been called a whore plenty of times by plenty of people – behind my back and in front of my face. People think it gives them the right to do whatever they want. I never….” His voice cracked, and he had to take a deep breath before he could go on. “I never thought I’d hear it from you.”

“Oh, Mara, don’t say that. Please. I’m not saying you’re a whore. I never said you were a whore. Oh hell, Mara, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’ve felt so bad for so long that you would let those people do things to you just because of me. I’ve had nightmares about it. I’m just glad you don’t have to do that anymore.”

“I never had to do it, Aria.” Amara’s voice was soft, and it hurt Drew’s heart.

“I know. I know you didn’t. I know. But you did it for me. I know that, too. I hated it every time we did it, and every time I promised myself I would never ask you to do it again. But then I’d see things in the papers and on social media, and Mother would call and “tell me off” but I’d know she was never really telling me off because she was always so happy about it, happy that her girls were making a stir. She never called unless…. I just wanted…. Oh Mara, I’m so sorry. I’ve been beyond horrible to you. I should never have let you even suggest it. I should have been brave like you.”

Amara snorted. “Brave? I don’t think so.”

“But you are brave. You stand up to her. You make her see you. You don’t care about what she thinks?”

“Is that what you think?” Amara huffed. “She hurts me plenty, but it makes me angry, and I’m too stubborn to admit it.”

“Not even to me?”

“Especially not to you.”

“Since when do we keep secrets?”

Amara chuckled mirthlessly. “Oh Ari, are you really that naïve? Have you never kept secrets from me?”

Aria looked dumbfounded. He slowly shook his head, his mouth hanging open.

Amara frowned, uncertainty marring his features. “Not one? Ever?”

“No. Not that I can think of. Not anything important. You know that. I tell you everything, even the hard things.” His eyes widened. “Have you? Have you kept secrets from me? Big ones?”

“Everyone has secrets.”

Drew watched the subtle body language with interest, as Amara withdrew from his brother. What secrets was he keeping?

“Not us. Not from each other. We promised. You promised.”

“We were kids. We grew up.”

“No.” Aria’s eyes, glassy to begin with, now shone with almost inhuman brilliance as tears welled, caught the reflection of light from the window and fell. “You promised,” he whispered.

“For God’s sake Aria, you don’t get it, do you? Everything I’ve done was for you. Everything I’ve hidden, everything I’ve been through – it’s all been for you. Well, except the music. That was all for me. Tell me, what would have been the point in any of it, if I’d told you and hurt you even more?”

Aria gaped at him, and to be honest Drew didn’t blame him.

“I…. I never wanted….”

“I know you didn’t want it, but I wanted…I needed to protect you, to make you happy. Don’t you understand? You’re better than me, so much better. You’re so…. light and sweet and pure, but God you’re naïve. I had to protect you. I have to protect you.”

Aria shook his head. “You’re wrong. You’re so wrong. I don’t need protecting. All I need it for you to be happy. If you’re happy nothing else matters. It kills me to be away from you so often. That’s when I hurt, when the world gets too big and too heavy. That’s when she hurts me most. When I’m with you, I’m strong.”

Amara stared at his hands.

“Don’t be angry with me, Mara, please.”

The silence stretched, and Drew’s stomach tightened. He knew they’d arrived at a defining point in their relationship and he felt like an intruder in their most intimate thoughts. Yet, he was afraid that if he moved he’d break the tentative thread that stopped one or both breaking.

“I’m not angry with you,” Amara said, at last. “I suppose, I’m angry with myself.”

“Why?”

He sighed. “I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn’t going to work forever. We should have talked it through properly. I should have made you go to a therapist to talk about what happened, about what Mother does to you, about everything. I should have been stronger.”

Drew didn’t miss Aria’s winces, or how even more colour drained from his pale face. Neither did he miss Amara lacing their fingers together between them, although neither made a move to get closer.

“You were strong.”

Amara shook his head decisively. “If I’d truly been strong I wouldn’t have helped you run away. I would have made you face what was happening and deal with it. And I should have listened when you talked about what went on with that damn therapist.”

Drew heard air quotes and wondered what the hell the therapist had done.

Silence fell like a velvet curtain. Drew became acutely aware of the little sounds coming from the equipment, soft beeps and clicks and the steady hum of processers. He wondered if he should say something.

Finally, Aria gave a huge sigh. “I know he was wrong, Mara. I know it now. At least I think so. He just got me so confused, and when he told mother, and she….” Aria’s whole body jerked with a sob.

“I hate her for that,” Amara hissed. “I hate her. You are not a freak and you are not sick. You’ll see. Now it’s out in the open you’ll see. No one is going to call you a freak.”

Aria huffed. “Of course, they will. There’ll always be trolls. Look how much hate we’ve had just for being gay. Half the world thinks we’re sleeping together.”

Amara finally looked him in the eye. “That’s because we do,” he said with a grin.

Aria gave a small, watery smile and punched him in the arm, then rested his cheek on his brother’s shoulder. “Let them figure that one out now.”

“Seriously though,” Amara said. “You will see. There’ll be support. A lot of support. You’re not the only one. There are a lot of ace people out there. You can be a champion, an ambassador for all those kids who are so afraid because they think they’re freaks and there’s no one out there, no one who understands.”

“Like I felt.” Aria said in a small voice.

“Exactly.” Amara laid his cheek on Aria’s head. “Just think of the reach you have, and you can get more now. Word spreads. If you talk about it, maybe do some interviews. Meet with people who respond to your video. You could do some real good.”

“Do you think?”

“He’s right.”

Both boys started and stared at Drew with their uncannily similar expressions. Drew was used to it now and it didn’t spook him like it used to. He’d filed that, along with all the other little things, like the almost telepathic glances and extreme empathy, under “twin stuff”, that he just accepted without too much thought.

“You should watch videos of pride marches over the last couple of years. There are more and more people marching under the ace/aro flag.”

“There’s a flag?”

Drew chuckled. “You haven’t done much research, have you?”

Aria shook his head. “I didn’t even know there was a name for it until a while ago. I just thought I was weird, or maybe ill, damaged.”

Amara growled.

“Look, tell me if I’m overstepping. I really won’t be offended if you tell me to mind my own business, but can I take it that after the attempted kidnapping, your mother arranged therapy for you where you discussed your asexuality and the therapist made you feel somehow… abnormal, then reported back to your mother, who wasn’t happy?”

Amara snorted. “That’s a pretty good summary, except the therapist did a lot more than that and to say Mother wasn’t happy was to say Pompeii got a bit ashy. She blew her lid. She gave Aria an ultimatum – go out and get laid, be normal, or….”

“She’d get the doctor to sign me into a psychiatric hospital.”

Drew almost laughed, but managed to hold it back. That would have been entirely inappropriate. “It would have been better if you’d let her do that.”

Both boys glared at him and this time he couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “God, you’re so alike. I can understand people having trouble telling you apart, especially when you’re not together.”

“It’s not funny,” Amara snapped. “How dare you say my brother should have been put away for something that isn’t….”

“Whoa.” Drew held up his hand and cut Amara off. “I didn’t mean that at all. What I meant is that if Amara went to a hospital and told them he was there because he’s asexual, they’d have explained all the reasons why he didn’t belong there. Do you honestly think that any reputable doctor would try to treat you to cure asexuality?”

Aria scowled. “They do it for homosexuality. That is, they try.”

Drew was pulled up short. He’d honestly thought it ludicrous that anyone could believe a reputable doctor would so much as sniff at the suggestion asexuality was a mental illness. He still believed that, but he could now see why the boys might have a very different perspective, especially given their vulnerability to their mother and what the therapist had already told them. Damn, he wished he could get that quack on their own in a room for a couple of hours.

Taking a breath, he gave what he hoped was an encouraging smile. “Trust me, whoever that therapist was, was an utter quack. Asexuality is not an illness, mental or otherwise and no one would try to cure you.”

Aria sighed. “I know. I guess I always did, deep down. The thing is, I’d never heard of asexuality back then, and ever since, whenever it comes up I hide. Maybe I should look into it a bit more.”

“Uh, yeah,” Drew said, grinning at him. Aria smiled back.

The moment was broken by a burst of music that wiped the smile off Aria’s face and replaced it with an expression of pure terror, that Amara mirrored.

“Don’t answer it,” Amara said.

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. You know what she’s going to say, so don’t put yourself through it? She’s not what you need right now. Turn your phone off and come look at the comments on the video. I haven’t even seen the video yet. Show me.”

The phone went silent, then started to sing again. Amara rose gracefully to his feet, bringing Aria with him, although Aria seemed to be having trouble standing. Amara steered him to the chair, then uncovered the phone from under a pile of papers. Aria reached for it, but before his fingers could touch it, Amara twisted away, turned off the phone and threw it at the far wall.

“Amara, no. Oh no. She’ll be so angry.”

“Let her be. You know she’ll be angry anyway. She’ll tie you in knots and you mustn’t speak to her until you’ve read the comments.”

“Why not.”

“Because she’ll try to make you think you’re sick again, and you need to see you’re not before she starts spitting poison on you.”

“Mara, don’t speak about her like that.”

Amara huffed, but said nothing. He stood behind his brother and draped his arms around his neck.

Drew figured it was about time to leave the brothers to their privacy. The worst seemed to be over and he was pretty sure Aria was going to get way more out of the comments on his video than he would from anything Drew had to say.

“I’m going to make some sandwiches and coffee,” he said, then held up his hand. “I’ll put the shit in the percolator and you can pour the damn stuff yourself seeing as you think I’m so bad at it.”

Amara grinned. “Thanks, Drew. We’ll be down in a bit.” His voice and expression were so warm Drew had to turn away before he lost control of that part of himself that was starting to notice.

The first thing Drew did when he went downstairs, after setting up the percolator, was sit and watch the video. As always, Aria was eloquent and straight to the point. He spoke with passion and pride and was nothing like the devastated child Drew had found in the studio, although his voice did crack at the end. Drew was shocked to see there were already tens of thousands of views and most of them had liked the video. He scrolled quickly through the dozens of comments and relaxed. It seemed Aria had underestimated his friends and the strength of his fanbase. The outpouring of love and support had started immediately, and although there were some who spat vitriol or just didn’t understand, the vast majority were positive, including many from ace/aro people describing their own experiences and either offering support or thanking Aria for validating their own quests.

He set the phone down on the table, with a satisfied sigh and burrowed into the fridge for sandwich ingredients. He was buttering bread when he heard someone in the living room. Thinking it was the boys, he ignored it, and was surprised when Alicia burst into the room.

“What the hell’s going on?”

“Sorry?” Drew was taken aback by her angry tone.

“I’ve had Mother Bear on the phone freaking out. Apparently, Aria’s gone mad and disappeared. Do you know anything about this? She’s frantic. I figure that, as you’re here, Aria isn’t out there alone and breaking down at the mercy of the pimps and freaks like his mother thinks he is.”

Drew snorted. “She knows nothing of the sort. Aria posted a video about being asexual and he’s not taking his mother’s calls because he knows what she’s going to say, and he isn’t really up to her bullshit right now. He and Amara are in the studio reading the comments on the video. Which are almost all positive,” he added, just in case there was any doubt.

Alicia poured herself a black coffee and sat at the table with a thud. “Those two are going to be the death of me. A little warning would have been nice. I could have planned some damage limitation if I’d known what the hell was going on when Mother Bear called.”

“I don’t think it was something he’d planned.”

“It was his mother’s visit, I expect. I should have warned you. The boys are always emotional after seeing their mother.”

“I’m not surprised. Is she always so vicious with them?”

Alicia scowled. “She’s wicked. That woman is… She’s a… a…. She’s a cunt.” As the words slipped out, Alicia’s eyes widened and she clamped her hand over her mouth.

Drew grinned. “It’s okay. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Alicia shook her head, adopting a defiant expression. “Don’t. She deserved it. It’s just that I don’t normally… you know. Swear.”

“I’d noticed. Mrs Graice is enough to drive anyone to cursing.”

“Yes, well, you should know she’s blaming you and demanding you be fired.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. She’s already demanded that.”

Alicia raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Yet still, here you are.”

“Aria told her he was paying my wages, so it was for him to decide if I was fired or not.”

“Ah,” she said, as if that explained everything. Drew supposed it did.